The last day of the year, and it has been a busy one. I've been trying to get a lot of things done today so that the next two weeks, the last of my break before school resumes, can be spent relaxing and playing around. Unfortunately, I am still in working on the finishing aspects of a few things, but I'm close - and some things are really in the hands of other people, so I won't know for sure if things work out for a day or two.

Among the things being done (as if you care) are: getting my secondary e.mail account to work from my DSL provider (it connects and authorizes but doesn't download my e.mails), getting the heat turned up so the temperatures in my studios are bearable (I now know that one boiler (of three) had shut down and all of the boiler temperatures were set low), getting Personal Organizer installed (my registration code, which was lost in my e.mail, was re-sent by Chronos, but I can only get the OS 9 version to run, not the OS X version), and finishing up the last aspects of setting up my new computer (everything is ready on the new PowerBook, and I'm setting up backups in a couple of formats, most of which is done). I made a lot of progress today, and with luck I'll finish quickly tomorrow.

A few things were completely accomplished, however - good things. My grades were available online today, and they were A's for all five classes (and a Satisfactory for my zero-hour sixth course). That was nice. I also got my final classlist in the mail today for next semester. All of my classes are set and ready to go. And I started to read the third Harry Potter book today, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It's a fun read, even having just started it. I'm looking forward to just curling up to read it without any responsibilities. That'll be nice. As it was, I was reading pleasantly while files were copying in the backup process onto Zip disks.

The one other thing I accomplished today was setting up and playing with my new MP3 player. It came as part of a package deal with my yearlong subscription to my DSL service. It's not an iPod, sadly, but it's a cool toy. I might actually use this; it's small, easy to use, and has pretty good quality sound. Best freebie gift I've gotten in a long time.

Since it's the time for it, by the way, Happy New Year! Thank you for joining me on my website, and I wish you great happiness in the coming year.

Welcome to 2002.

Posted at 12:09 AM

December 30, 2001

I read a new book yesterday around working on the final aspects of setting up my computer (even as I write, the process is almost but not quite finished). The book is the only book that I hadn't yet read by S.E. Hinton (best known for The Outsiders, which was also made into a movie). Actually, she has two more books that I haven't read, but they're children's books, but this was the only one left that I thought I'd appreciate. This is in fact the last book she wrote/has written (I don't know if she's dead or not, so she might write another book yet for all I know). While this book, Taming the Star Runner, was written in 1988, it has a much more contemporary feeling than her other books (which were written in the '60's and '70's). I never felt that her books lost anything from their setting, but it was sometimes noticeable that they had a sixties feel to them. This latest book, however, felt very much like it could happen right now (except that the main character listens to tapes, and that seems slightly dated ... but it's no biggie). I like this book very much, but the style is subtly different than her older works, having less direct action or noticeable life-altering moments, but it still has a lot of her strength of character development and empathy as well as a perfect capture of the confusion and frustration of what it means to be a teenager. This is what has always attracted me to her novels - she conveys something that defies definition but definitely has a feel to it. I respect her ability to write with that understanding and feeling, and that's one of the things I attempt to accomplish ion my work.

And I read the book in just over a day, finishing the last few pages this morning. Meanwhile, I've been hooking up back-up drives and swapping Zips like a fiend to get everything restored from my back-up files and converted to modern formats. I have the new PowerBook all set up now, and I'm ready to wrap things up tomorrow with backups on a couple of mediums so that I have more recent backups that will (hopefully) speed things up if I have to restore things again. I'm sure you're thrilled to hear about this. The good news is that I'm almost done, I can fully do just about everything I used to be able to do (and in some cases even better), and by New Year's I should be able to just kick back and relax, play games, and read. Ahhhh ... that'll be the life.

But tomorrow I get to be a bitch. I have to complain about the heat, I have to screw around with my DSL provider to get my second e.mail to work right (it won't give me my e.mails), and I have to try to get a registration code for a piece of software from Chronos (they were supposed to e.mail it to me, but my old internet provider discontinued my service (I'm paid through January 15th, but ... what the heck?!) and the e.mail from Chronos seems to have been lost to the ether of the net ...

Warning Will Robinson! Your registration code is lost in space!

Posted at 10:37 PM

December 29, 2001

It's cold. Winter has set in with a vengeance, here in Northwestern Ohio, and the temperatures are quite chilly with a wind that won't let you forget it. Mind you, I realize it could be much worse considering the volumes of snow falling on the other side of Lake Erie and even the amounts that have fallen in Colorado so far this winter. I'm thankful to not have the snow to worry about, but I'm not going out and driving much for another two weeks anyways, so it doesn't bother me too much.

The cold bothers me, however, and I'm not usually the type to complain about the cold. I'm one of those people that just naturally generates a lot of heat. Put me in warm clothes or tuck me under a blanket and my body fills the space between me and the fabric with a very warm barrier. It's helped me out a lot in the past, keeping me warm during snowy marching band performances or during the fifteen minute walk through downtown Chicago to my store when I worked for Kinko's. Usually I don't even wear clothes that are all that warm, wearing sweaters more for fashion than warmth, only wearing gloves to scrape off the car windows, rarely zipping up my coat - I am just naturally warm.

But I'm cold here in the Arts Center. The past two winters have been rough on the nonprofit group that maintains the Arts Center since natural gas prices have increased so much, making heating the building a very serious issue. This is a big, old building. Gas bills in the coldest months of last year were over $12000 for an individual month. It's outrageous. I sympathize with the Arts Center association, and I support issues to lower costs, but freezing the tenants is going too far. In fact, I have a cold because of this (which is a rare thing for me), and I'm concerned about my fish and my plants. I get all bundled up in sweats and heavy socks and keep a quilt over me, and I'm only warm if I keep in my little cocoon. Of course I can't just live my life wrapped in a blanket, so I get cold as I work on the computer or write things or do anything that keeps me from being fully tucked in and bundled up.

I've been making it clear that it's cold, but my pleas seem to fall on deaf ears in the office. Mind you, I am sure they expect some people to just be whiny and want the temperature to be like it was summer out, but I'm getting pissed off that I'm being given the cold shoulder (both literally and figuratively). Here I am stuck all weekend colder than it's been so far, and there's not even a chance to get the heat turned up until late Monday morning at the earliest. And that's only of I can convince somebody to listen and take some action. I've already mentioned to one person in the office that I'm considering calling the Lucas County Housing Authority about this, and now I feel like I should just get mean and threatening and then follow up with getting the Housing Authorities to force the people in charge here to rectify this problem. It just pisses me off that I have to get to the point of threatening and possibly even whistle-blowing for these assholes to do something so simple as turn up the heat. <grrr>

I suppose I should just cool off, but if I get any cooler I'll be a popsicle.

Posted at 11:27 PM

December 28, 2001

Christiana has now left the building.

I got up early today, gathered Christiana and her things together, and took her to the airport. I've been helping her get things ready over the last two weeks, and now she's gone until just before Fall semester next year.

She starts with a trip to Dallas (by way of a layover in Atlanta for three hours). She'll visit with her grandmother and help pack up and move her grandmother from her house, where she has lived for 54 years. Tomorrow, her dad and step-mom fly in from New Zealand to help with the packing. Christiana will be there for three weeks and then fly directly to England. She'll be studying at Brighton College for Spring semester and visiting London and other parts of England for classes and for fun. After school lets out, she will be going to visit her stepbrother in Switzerland for a while after touring through Amsterdam for a week or two. After Switzerland, she is off to Rome (and quick stops at other places in Italy). She'll spend most of the summer in Rome, the fly back to Dallas for one more visit with her grandmother, and then a return trip to Toledo to go back to the University of Toledo for her final semester before graduation.

Quite an itinerary, isn't it? It's par for the course with the way she has traveled in Europe and South America. In fact, she's considering teaching English in China for a little while after she graduates. And her graduation present from her father is a trip to New Zealand and Australia. She's a strange character - she actually is more at home traveling in a strange land where she may never be again than she ever is in Toledo. But she does have lots of interesting stories.

I could write a novel worth of observations about the airport and the overly-visible presence of the Air National Guard. It's like walking into a defeated nation during an occupation. It was just creepy, and the procedures for flying are just way too much. I suppose caution is merited, but the result is that it just isn't really America anymore when you have all of the makings of a police state: armed soldiers at every turn, forced searches, limited free speech, and being guilty until proven innocent among other things. It all just scares the shit out of me.

And as a quick note to yesterday's entry - Shannon left two messages for me while I was seeing Christiana off at the airport. Shannon had been told that I would be making the airport run this morning, yet she left a message as if I had just stepped out to the bathroom and should be able to call her right back. She also told me what she and Steve accomplished in moving and told me to let her know when I could help get the rest, all the while acting as though she had never been so gruff and dismissive to me last night. Once she realized she still could use me, she comes back all sweet as can be. Well, I'm sick of it. It's bad enough that I'm being used, but the fucked up abusive treatment she gives me is unacceptable. Hell, if I wanted that kind of stress, I'd call my parents.

I just want to have a little time to rest and relax before next semester. Why is that so much to ask?

Posted at 10:50 PM

December 27, 2001

I don't know why I even try.

I spent a large part of today driving Christiana around for a bunch of errands she needed to accomplish before I take her to the airport tomorrow morning for her world tour. I have spent a pretty decent amount of time in the last few days helping Christiana out. I have in the meantime been trying to coordinate time with Shannon to help her move things from her mother's old house to her apartment and then set the house and things inside up for sale. I don't expect applause or big thanks - heck, any appreciation at all is usually something. But Shannon got pissed off at me tonight, and it burns me up.

Like I said, I've been trying to coordinate things with Shannon for a while - almost two weeks. I determined early on that we would need someone with a truck to help (Shannon was apparently aware of this but was blaming my limited availability during school as her big problem), and Shannon told me Steve was going to help. I told Shannon to coordinate with me once she knew more from Steve. Well, on Sunday Christiana and Nathan and I had dinner with Shannon and talked about all of the last errands I would help Christiana with before her departure. On Tuesday night, late, Shannon called to say that Steve had said he was ready and he could move things during the small window of time between 2 and 5 PM the following day. The fact that Steve called her Christmas Eve and Shannon called me immediately afterward while I was entertaining company says a lot about both of them in the first place, but Shannon had already been told that I would be running Christiana on errands on Wednesday and maybe a bit more on Thursday. So I reiterated this to Shannon when she called. She got grumpy about it and said that she and Steve would just take care of it themselves. I, maintaining my cool, politely told her I could help later, after Christiana was gone, if she still needed anything. Well, Steve apparently blew her off - never showed and never called on Wednesday. So I told her to work with Steve for a new time and I'd still be willing to help.

Well, tonight at 8:40 PM, Shannon calls and tells me that Steve just called and can move things for a couple of hours. I've been running around doing errands all day in the bitter cold. It's even colder by then, way below freezing, and I already have a cold so I have no desire to go heaving and sweating in frigid temperatures. Pneumonia just isn't my idea of fun. Besides, I had just pulled off a pot of tea for Christiana and myself, and we both need to get up early tomorrow to get her to the airport. So I said 'No' to Shannon. I was diplomatic, explained my situation, my concern about the cold, and Christiana's needs. Shannon was bitchy and essentially told me 'thanks for nothing,' laying a guilt trip on me for not jumping at the last moment for something that shouldn't be so complicated to arrange at a reasonable hour. I'm really pissed off about the whole thing, because I just can't win. I can't help one person and not offend another; I can't be 'a good friend' unless I'm ready to sacrifice my health and all my time to the demands of others; and I'm supposed to be guilty for not helping them when they never help me!

This is why I refer to these people as 'friends.' They think they're friends, but they fail on every level. I try. I really do. And I'll do anything for a friend, anytime. But it's a two-way street. And I'm sick of being forced down someone else's one-way alley.

Posted at 11:26 PM

December 26, 2001

Happy Boxing Day! Be sure to send nice cards to Muhammed Ali and Mike Tyson...

Anyhow, today was a mess of getting burned by people and things and trying to resolve things so that I wasn't stuck. One fight was with the people in the office of the Arts Center to get the heat working in my room. It's been a problem for a while, and I've been asking about getting it fixed for a while, but it hasn't really been a problem until the last few days of extreme cold. Now that it's an issue, I had to become a nagging asshole so that the idiots in the office would get off their asses. <grrr>

I also had to resolve an issue with the phone company. I had disconnected one of my two phone lines a couple days ago and the old line was supposed to direct callers to the other number. Ameritech made the message with the wrong number, listing a phone somewhere in Pittsburgh. So that was fun. <grrr>

In fact, trying to fix things that should never have been a problem was a theme today. I had canceled my old Internet service (that I've had for years) a couple of weeks ago since my DSL line has been working great. My old service automatically billed me every six months in a cost-saving plan, and I called to forestall their billing. Well, guess what? They billed my credit card anyhow. And I didn't realize 'til today when I got the credit card statement. <grrr>

And the list of annoying bullshit goes on, in fact, but the big snafu that had me really worried was my harddrive crashing. I had just finished the last installation from CD (I've installed all of the CD's, gone to the net for updates, downloaded and installed them, and then test-run each program. It has taken some serious time (and I'm still not done setting up the computer), and has gone relatively smoothly except for a glitch a few days ago (see the Journal entries for the 21st and 22nd). Today, however, I switched from OS 9 to OS X and crashed. It took me a while, but I figured out what went wrong. The only way to fix it was to reinstall OS X and re-update that system software. Fortunately, I had my wits about me and moved files around so that all of the installations I'd done for OS X (and OS 9 for that matter) didn't get wiped in the reinstall. It took a few unplanned hours, but I was back in business. And I got a lot further, downloading a lot of new software/freeware from the web that's come out for OS X. The idea of having to go back to the start and reinstall everything had me pretty freaked out, though, I can tell you.

Sometimes it just seems like nothing can ever come easily ...

Posted at 11:21 PM

December 25, 2001

Yo! Ho! Ho! (and a bottle of rum)

Who would have guessed that pirates had the Christmas spirit?

Yule have to forgive me for the bad jokes, but it's one of the ways I deal with feeling lonely at this time of year. Another way is to spend time with people (a novel idea, huh?). Today, after a brief visit to her studios earlier in the day, Christiana joined me at 3 PM and I pulled a bunch of goodies together for a Christmas dinner for us: chicken and noodles in a garlic creme sauce, garlic potatoes, stuffing, and croissants - not the traditional fare, but good nonetheless. Nathan joined us not long after we had started eating (his timing was only slightly off), and we all watched "It's a Wonderful Life." We chatted for a little while after that, then Christiana left, and Nathan stayed and talked for a while beyond that. I even had a couple phone calls wishing Christmas cheer, and that just added to the sense of sharing.

I'll admit that I still feel somewhat lonely after all of that, but it's a bearable thing. The holidays can be a rough time for me (and a lot of people) since I don't get along well with my family, and having people around to eat, relax, and mutually listen to holiday songs was a perfect way not to get all depressed and hopeless.

Once again, there was an imperfect moment to the day: Christiana's departure was due to some weird unresolved compatibility issues between her and Nathan. It's ridiculous, because they spend quite a bit of time together and only seem to exhibit these conflicts in my presence. It's just annoying, and I even got to the point today of being frustrated enough to tell them that they could at least try not to fuck with the Christmas spirit for the few hours they had to be together in my presence. I don't know what their problem is. As far as I see it, it's simple: enjoy the moment with good food, good company, and good fun. Why is that so hard?

Posted at 10:43 PM

December 24, 2001

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Isn't it fun to talk like a pimp?

All jokes aside, let me wish you all a happy holiday season, whatever faith you may be. I once again spent some time updating the computer today, but I put a fair amount of time into socializing with people in the building and trying to enjoy what I like the think is the spirit of the season - brotherhood.

Somewhere in the religious fervor and the consumerist/capitalist nightmare that Christmas (and even Hanukah, to some extent) have become, we have lost the true gift of the season. When did it all fall away from being about showing love and compassion to your fellow man and looking for peace on earth? I have always loved this time of year for what it could be ... what it should be. Unfortunately, this time of year is almost invariably filled with hustling, bustling, surly people who hate their fellow man and only want a piece for themselves rather than piece on earth. In a way, these masses of humanity are getting exactly what they deserve - they give nothing and they get nothing. They look to unimportant, fleeting possessions of vanity and never realize the gifts of friendship and love that could be theirs. It's a sad state that the world has shown, and I don't have a lot of optimism for change.

I hope for a renewed celebration of peace, happiness, and cheer, and that is a large part of what theDreamworld stands for, but my hope is tempered with the cynicism of reality and experience, and I don't see how to change the mindsets of so very many people. But I'll make the best start I can and try to affect at least one person.

Those of you reading this Journal entry - take note. Take a moment; relax while you have a break from the regular duties of your life; think about who you like or love; think about how important it is that they hear that you like or love them and how important it is for you to hear it back; think about how perfect it is to feel loved and see if you can share that feeling; look around you and look past the possessions and the basic things and see the wonder of the world and see all of the things you get from those around you ... just take some time to celebrate what life can be, what you hope it can be, what you need it to be deep inside. Enter theDreamworld, even if just for a moment, and savor the moment.

Life could always be that sweet, if we all would simply try.

Posted at 10:58 PM

December 23, 2001

Today had the makings of a really great day, and it was very much that way until near the very end. I spent the early part of the day doing more setup on the computer, but while things were installing, I made calls to a few of my friends here and there. I talked to Greg, who lives near Detroit. He just bought a new house and got a new dog, and he was just as excited as could be. Then I talked to Tijuan, a friend of mine in Chicago. He moved away from living with his brothers into his own apartment and has been living that way for a few months, and the move has been very satisfying for him. He was cooking things to share with his family later. The I called Jurry, another friend of mine in Chicago. He owns his own hair salon, and he was taking a much-needed day off and relaxing. We hadn't spoken in quite a while, and it was great to talk to him. Jurry is always a motivating voice of reason for me, and he always makes me face reality. Case in point - I told him about my infatuation with Dustin, and he also felt that Dustin was trying to clue me in on his gayness with his comments the last day of class. That upset me a little because it just reinforces the idea that I screwed up and missed a chance to get to know Dustin better, but Jurry insisted I keep a positive outlook and hope to see him again in the future. I talked to Jurry about this and other things for a while longer when there was a knock on my door.

It was Nathan that had come to visit, and we chatted for a while after I said my good-byes to Jurry. I invited Nathan to join Christiana and I for dinner at Shannon's tonight (Shannon had invited Nathan along, but we hadn't seen him since that time), and he accepted. After a quick visit with Christiana by both of us, Nathan left for the afternoon to visit someone else. And not much later, we were gathered together again and on our way to Shannon's.

Shannon had fixed a nice dinner and had presents for each of us. She bought me a Bop-It!, a toy that directs you to make musical sounds with the toy by physically manipulating it (pulling on one end, twisting another end, or 'bopping' the centerpiece). You make the noises as directed until you do the wrong action or don't perform the action quick enough. So we unpackaged that and played with it throughout the night. We also, around various conversations, played Trivial Pursuits and listened to music. It had the makings of a great evening except for a few incidents.

One incident was Nathan babbling about how he wanted to move to someplace that was segregated. Now I understand that Nathan is the only white guy in a factory setting of black men and women, and I know that he not only has completely different interests than him but that they make fun of him and are mean to him. I don't blame him for disliking them, but to ascribe that sort of behavior to all black people is wrong. And I'm sure that Nathan has had other defining experiences, but I just can't accept any excuses for bigotry. So that was unsettling. It's not my place to tell other people how to think, but I always make it clear that any form of bigotry is wrong and I don't accept it. In the few people I know who are somewhat bigoted, they just know to keep their ideas to themselves, and I can enjoy their company. But I also don't usually spend very much time with them once I learn they have solid bigoted beliefs.

Anyhow, the other disturbing incident was of a similar nature. We were playing Trivial Pursuit and were also botching about how little we each know about sports (one of the required categories in the game). Nathan commented that the only sport he knew anything about was the only one he was even good at - 'Smear the Queer.' I was not pleased. It was clear very quickly that I didn't appreciate that name, and Nathan kept on going. I finally had had it and made that clear. Christiana at this point jumps in and, along with Nathan, tries to defend calling 'Dodgeball' by the name 'Smear the Queer,' claiming that when you're kids, calling somebody 'queer' is just a way to define anybody different or disliked. Oh, well that makes it better - not! You know, if the game were nicknamed 'Nuke the Nigger,' 'Kill the Kike,' 'Spike the Spic,' or 'Beat the Bitch,' it would clearly be wrong (or at least seen by a bigoted person as politically incorrect), but when it's about a 'queer,' or a gay person, it's okay. Christiana, Nathan, and countless other people don't seem to understand that prejudice and bigotry and stereotypes are developed at an early age by things just such as this, and the result is that calling someone a 'queer' or seeing them as being different or disliked or even a target - all of that just sets the stage for prejudice in later life. And Christiana and Nathan are oblivious. They just don't see how it's wrong.

This is why I have such a hard time being with my 'friends' in Toledo. They're almost all bigoted and judgmental to some extent and I can't accept that. That's why I spend so little time with my family (other than the larger issues with my father) - they're all very bigoted. And no, that is not the way everybody is. I have plenty of friends in Chicago who don't display such prejudice or disrespect for others. Granted, a lot of those people are gay or part of some minority, so they know discrimination firsthand, but I think their mindset was established before they might have been influenced by experiences with discrimination. I have a number of friends that are gay who won't befriend anybody who's straight because they don't trust them and because they expect them to be bigots. I have always argued against that mindset as reverse bigotry, but there are times like tonight that I honestly wonder how far off base it is to exclude straight people from your life to save yourself some anguish. It's sad that I even have to think things like this.

Posted at 11:09 PM

December 22, 2001

It's strange, but today has played out like a better version of yesterday. I slept in (not intentionally, but what the heck), and I think the extra sleep helped me beat off most of the cold I've had annoying me for the last couple of days. I spent the early afternoon and the evening working on the computer, and in between I had a late lunch with Christiana at Friday's (we had wanted to eat at Outback, but they didn't open 'til 3 PM, and the extra half hour wait was too much since we were quite hungry). So we had the Friday's thing, and we had good food, fun, and some more good conversation. It's crazy that we'll go for weeks without seeing each other sometimes, particularly when we're busy with classes, but we get along so well when we're together. So lunch was really great.

Anyhow, the majority of the day was spent on the computer. I had no idea how to solve my problem from yesterday, so I decided to reformat and start from scratch before I installed anything else. It was a good decision. The installation went much faster, and the end result is not only a fully functional system (without the problem from last night) and even speedier performance than what I had yesterday. It looks like I picked up a few good ideas during the first run-through and got things right on the second try. I didn't get any farther than I was last night, but everything is running so smoothly that I expect tomorrow to move me right along. Besides, the vast majority of tomorrow's installations will be files and applications that won't create any problems. The things I installed today made adjustments to the operating systems and affected the way the system responds to hardware devices. The biggest problems usually stem from messing with the hardware or OS, and that's pretty much settled. It'll be nice to get things all finished, and I'm well on the way.

In other news, I got Heath's e.mail address from Joné yesterday. He and I had met at a party of Joné's in August, and we had both expressed interest in each other to her. Due to various circumstances, we haven't spoken since then, and that's a shame. I e.mailed Heath yesterday morning, and I got an e.mail back today. He will be away from the area to enjoy the holidays for the rest of the year, but maybe we can get together next year. He's an attractive guy, seems intelligent, and seems very stable and mature - all good things. So we'll see; I'd be happy to have another good friend and I'd be even happier to have more, but I'm not going to put too high of expectations on things.

Besides, I still keep thinking of Dustin, and I can't help but think that I missed out there. Why set myself up to feel the same way about Heath? It's just best to let things take their own course ...

Posted at 11:54 PM

December 21, 2001

Today has been strange and fun. It all started with a visit to see Christiana and plans to get dinner and a video in the evening. During the day I got to work on setting up the new computer with a lot of learning going on. Like I said in yesterday's Journal entry, there's been a learning curve for me with the new hardware and OS, and today was no exception. I downloaded and installed this new firmware update that Apple just released today, and thought I was ready to move ahead. Although it didn't cause any serious problems, it left one annoying thing.

You see, one of the new toys I have with the new PowerBook is an AirPort, a wireless networking hub that Apple makes. It allows you to access a computer network or the Internet wirelessly, so that I can use my PowerBook wherever I want in my studios without having to have any attached cables. And it works great - most of the time. I had gotten all of the settings to work fine for the Airport, both in the new OS and in the Classic OS that runs side-by-side in the new Macs to allow use of older programs that aren't yet compatible with the new Operating System. So I was pretty happy. Unfortunately, this Firmware update tweaked something the wrong way and I have a problem. The Airport works in Classic (OS 9), but it doesn't work in OS X. I thought maybe some network settings might have gotten reset in OS X, but that isn't it. In fact, my PowerBook has no problem connecting to the DSL Internet feed directly through the ethernet port, and I know the PowerBook recognizes the Airport, because I can use the software to check that the PowerBook is receiving a signal from the Airport base station. That all works. In fact, the OS X system seems to think that everything is fine, even showing a connection to the Internet and a connect time. Unfortunately, there's something missing because I get no Internet feed and can't pull up a single web page.

So I gave up on that and got Arby's to share with Christiana as we watched 'Moulin Rouge.' It was not remotely what either of us expected, but it was a very fun, enjoyable movie. And the relaxed time with Christiana was good. Unfortunately, I got all stressed up again after she left as I fucked around with my PowerBook and still couldn't solve my problem. So now I don't know what to do. We'll just have to see what insights I have tomorrow.

Posted at 12:31 AM

December 20, 2001

And the semester is over.

I met with most of my professors today to get back my portfolios and final papers. Phil gave me a 95% on my final paper and said he really thought it was good. We talked for quite a while about the classes he is teaching next semester, and I'm a bit sad that I won't have Phil for anything next term. He is such a great teacher. So I got an 'A' in Phil's class, I got an 'A' in my Fiction Writing class (I had a 96.8% for the class), I got back my portfolio for Creative Writing Workshop and it had great comments and gave me an 'A' (I had 104% for the class), I got back my Poetry Writing portfolio (in which I had been a bit cynical and brutally honest in my essay) and got an 'A' for the class. The only class I don't know about is Imaginative Writing, and Christy wasn't in her office like I had expected. I should get an 'A' in there as well, but everything depends on how she grades my portfolio - it's like 60% of the grade and I have no idea what her feelings are on the material. But all in all, even if I don't have all 'A's, it was a good semester (although I really want all 'A's, damnit!).

I managed to get a lot of errands and tasks completed today, so that I was able to start devoting time to getting my PowerBook set up. It's fun, frustrating, and educational. I guess I'm sort of a geek because I really enjoy playing with the computer, but it has been challenging and frustrating because I'm on a slight learning curve for the new hardware and the new OS. As with every new piece of hardware and every OS upgrade, there are new little features to learn, but there are also things to learn about how to tweak things to run faster or what extensions from one piece of hardware might conflict with another piece of hardware. Nothing has been insurmountable or too long-lasting, but I have had a few times where I've had to scratch my head and try to figure things out and, honestly, a few moments where I've thrown about a few curses about "the damn thing." All-in-all, the process is educational. I learn what works with what and how so that I know what to do next time without all of the experimentation. And as tedious as it may be, it's still fun. So I can't really complain. Although I am anxious to start playing games ...

Posted at 11:44 PM

December 19, 2001

It is done. A huge update and expansion of the various parts of theDreamworld website. My apologies that it hasn't come any sooner, but I wanted things to be just right. As it is, I'm still slightly hesitant to say with 100% certainty that everything works exactly right - About half of the changes show up right away when I check the site online, but some stories and links pages don't show (although the stories pull up fine from the notification links on the Updates page. I expect that the server hasn't processed them for some reason and that they will show up by tomorrow, but I have no idea why that would be the case (although I have seen the same thing happen before, on a smaller scale). So hopefully everyone will enjoy all of the new goodies. Drop me a line and let me know. I'd love to get an e.mail from you or at least see you sign the Guestbook.

I bought a new fish today, as well as two new snails. The fish is a Betta, also called a Japanese Fighting Fish. It has colors from all through the rainbow and looks pretty cool. I've called it Nemesis, like the avenger of the Greek gods (in keeping with my theme of fish being named for minor Greek deities). The snails are gold (Aphrodite) and ramshorn/brown (Ares) (named for the goddess of Love and the god of war, following the tradition of snails being named after Greek gods). They're all pretty active right now. That seems like a good sign - they weren't stressed out by the trip here and all. I'm happy to have them; the movement of something alive really adds something to the room, even though the tank is so small.

And lastly, I got a lot of experimenting done today with my new computer. I have a pretty good idea of what to do and what not to do with new aspects from the new operating system, OS X. Tomorrow, after taking care of the last tasks on campus in Bowling Green, I will reformat my new computer and start setting it up from scratch. There is a slight chance that something will go wrong and I will not be able to post a Journal entry tomorrow, but I doubt anything will go wrong. In fact, I expect that, although the installation and adjustments will take way too long, everything should go ahead fairly smoothly. I've probably jinxed myself by saying that, but really, the new system should come together pretty well now that I'll have the chance to really get to it.

I'm looking forward to getting the computer set up. I still want to do some serious relaxing (i.e. vegetating). I want to relax, watch tv, read a few books for fun (not for class), play some computer games, spend time with some friends, watch a few movies, and maybe, just maybe, get a chance to write the second chapter of Hope, Need & Fear. A while ago, before I actually started doing all of the stuff that I've been doing since break began, I had planned to definitely have another chapter done; now I'm not so sure. I very much want to write it, and I have the whole thing laid out in my head in great detail, but I want to be sure that I spend time to really relax before I go back to classes next semester, and no matter how much I enjoy the final product, writing is still very much like work. So hopefully I'll get it written, but I'm no longer promising anything.

And heck, there's all sorts of new stuff for you to read³ Besides, if anybody really gave a damn about seeing a second chapter of Hope, Need & Fear, they'd e.mail me to tell me to get off my butt (hint, hint).

Posted at 10:26 PM

December 18, 2001

Well another day goes by and I still don't have the updates and expansions posted for the website. My apologies, but the good news is that things are well under way. I am still a bit behind, but with what has been completed today, I will almost certainly have everything up tomorrow. There's actually quite a bit under way: updates and expansions to the Bio page and most of the Links pages, revisions of a number of stories and poems, a final resolution for the glitch that has made punctuation display in freaky ways in some poems and stories, a bunch of new poems, a bunch of new stories, and a finalized first chapter for my serial story, Hope, Need & Fear. All-in-all it's a lot of stuff. Good stuff, too. I'm rather pleased with myself. And the hits on the site counter just keep rolling along, too. I'm pleased with that as well.

In other news, I got a much-needed haircut today and look a hell of a lot better as a result. I got all sorts of stuff done today, in fact. The downside is that I didn't have as much time to work on the website (hence the fact that it won't be upgraded until tomorrow). The upside is that I am well on the way to being able to play with my new computer and finally get it all set up! I can't wait!

Along with all of this, I still keep thinking of Dustin. I know I sound like a broken record, but I have honestly never had anyone so completely consume my thoughts. It's a good thing I've been keeping busy, because I can tell during the rare minutes when I sit still to wait for something that Dustin comes to mind and I start to get melancholy thinking about how much I want to be around him but might not ever even see him again. Ugghh! It's just torture, I tell you.

Well, look for the big update tomorrow. I promise that, barring very unforeseen circumstances, everything will be completed and uploaded (and hopefully bug-free). That'd be swell.

Posted at 10:20 PM

December 17, 2001

Hey, guess who's become completely obsessed by thoughts of Dustin? Yes, that would be me. Am I hopeless or what? It's like he's all I can think about now. I've never been so captivated by someone. And I might never even see him again. It's like I'm losing all rationality, but I just long so much for one more chance to see him and talk to him. I think for the first time I might actually be strong enough to tell him how I feel if I could have one more chance. I'm still terrified of being rejected, but I think I'm going to go insane if I don't have take a chance with him.

I can see him in my mind just perfectly, and I still can't believe how beautiful he is, how perfect. I can't imagine that he would be interested in someone like me when he could have pretty much anybody he wants, but I still can't turn away from feeling desperate to be able to try. I think I'm going to lose my mind, because there's just about no chance that I'll see him again. There's a long-shot chance that I might see him on Thursday if he picks up his Poetry Portfolio from Amanda's office, but he'd have to be there around 11 or 12 when I'm there or we'd never even see each other. Part of me even wants to sit in front of Amanda's office all day on the chance that he'll come for his portfolio, but I kick myself for even thinking that because it just makes me feel like I'd be a stalker, and Dustin doesn't deserve anything like that.

Oh, why is this so fucked up? Why can't I either find someone to love who loves me equally? Or why can't I just forget about a relationship with anyone if nobody turns up? I'm caught in this middle-ground with no hope and only hope all, at the same time. Ugh! Damn, this sucks.

Oh, Dustin, if only I had one more chance ...

Posted at 1:10 AM

December 16, 2001

I was up early today to wash laundry and stuff before my mom and grandma came to visit. It was a busy morning, and all too soon they were here. We went to this great Sunday Brunch I like at Cousino's Old Navy Bistro, a somewhat upscale restaurant. The food was wonderful as always, and there was a really cute waiter. I'm not out to my family, so I had to be discreet about gawking, but he was very cute.

Strangely, though, the cute waiter would no sooner be out of my sight than Dustin's smiling face was in my mind. I got to a point where I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my mom and grandma to finish with the restroom, that I kept thinking about Dustin and almost started crying. He's gone. Gone, maybe forever, and I did nothing to stop it. It's really bothering me.

After my mom and grandma left, I spent some time trying to work in my little library (I have run out of room to add more books, and I'm trying to rearrange things, particularly by moving all of my software manuals and computer texts to some other location (which is actually a very big task). But I couldn't keep my mind on it. Dustin was there in my head, and I just couldn't focus on the project at hand. Towards evening I found Christiana since we had planned to see a movie this evening. Nathan was with her, and we all decided to go to see 'Harry Potter.'

'Harry Potter' was good in a lot of ways: fun, very good effects, decent acting (all things considered), and fairly true to the book for the most part. I was annoyed by a few small issues: first, the use of gooey slime for snot and slobber and ectoplasm and whatever was just too Nickoledeon-ish; second, similar to comments I had heard earlier, Hagrid's accent just didn't feel right; and third, while I admire the effort to hold true to the book, the few areas that were changed were efforts to speed the plot but in most cases could have been handled more faithfully to the original and still not have taken up any more time. But I liked it. Plus, there were awesome previews for Star Wars: Episode II, Lord of the Rings, and Scooby Doo. All in all, a decent evening, but I still feel sort of down because of the Dustin thing.

I can't get Dustin out of my head, and I feel like I've made the biggest mistake in my life by not talking to him. I keep coming up with all of these far-fetched hopes of how we might still run into each other during the week and I can tell him how I feel. I even had the hope/fantasy that he might be at the restaurant when I went with my mom and grandma. Is that insane or what? I just feel like I'm losing the last chance I could have at happiness. And if that's the case, it would all be my fault. This is all just driving me insane.

I don't know what to do.

Posted at 12:16 AM

December 15, 2001

I took Christiana out with me today and we did a bit of shopping here and there and then had dinner together. We both had lots to talk about since we've spent so little time together over the last semester. She leaves for England just after Christmas. She'll be spending Spring Semester there and then she'll be spending the summer in Rome (by way of Amsterdam and Switzerland). This girl just travels everywhere, I tell ya. She's excited about going, as you can imagine, so a lot of our conversation was about what she expects to do in Europe and such. It's strange, but even with so much time that we've been apart with only brief conversations here and there over the last few months, we still are pretty much up on what's going on in each other's lives. I think we were both so busy this semester that we had little time to do much else extra, so we both have mostly just school to talk about since we last spent much time together. We're tentatively planning on taking in a movie tomorrow, but we don't know what we want to see. Time will tell.

I talked to Christiana about Dustin and our little conversation yesterday. She thought he must have been trying to feel me out, which is one of the things I wondered. Now I feel even worse about the whole thing to think that I may have screwed up a chance to have gotten to know Dustin better. Now I may never see him again. I feel like such a loser.

Posted at 12:39 AM

December 14, 2001

Well, today has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Today was the last day of classes, and I was able to hand in all of my final projects and get a few other errands run around campus. I did well on my final quiz; had great comments on one of my portfolios; had some great conversations; and found out that I'll have a few different people that I know and like in a bunch of my classes next semester. I also got all sorts of things done here at the Arts Center, getting a lot of cleaning done that I'd put off for months in favor of classwork. I also got a few neat little tasks done that just make me feel better about things.

To top everything off, I had a great Poetry class today. We had fun as a whole class, but I also had great fun talking to Dustin, who once again sat right next to me. We laughed and joked and talked briefly. No big conversation, but it was so much to me. He is just so amazing, and I just love talking to him and oh, that smile - he's just so absolutely wonderful! Anyhow, I knew I was going to be upset after that class was done because my chance to see Dustin every-other day would end, and I might not ever se him again. I so wanted the courage to ask him out for coffee or something, but I'm just so terrified of rejection that I just couldn't do it. I would have felt so horrible if Dustin were to blow me off or, even worse, tell me off.

And that is why things were even worse today than I expected. I was sort of prepared to see Dustin and know that this was the last day. I hadn't expected the joking and laughing together, but that actually was a happy thing, something I'll be able to look back upon as a very pleasant memory. What I didn't expect was a conversation that left me wondering if I missed a real opportunity to connect with Dustin.

Amanda, our prof, had handed out these skin markers (markers that you can use to write on people and lick it off or whatever (not a sex thing, just made so it isn't toxic or permanent)). Anyhow, Amanda wanted us to create poems on each other as our last activity together. Some people were into it; others weren't. Dustin and I were among the group that passed on the idea (although the idea of writing on Dustin had an appeal, but I just didn't trust how I'd deal with it). Anyhow, Dustin and I had passed our markers along to other people. After a while, somebody passed back a marker and Dustin passed it to me and I passed it along to the next person (we were, as always, sitting in a big circle). So a little time passes and some more conversation with Dustin, and then someone passes another marker to Dustin who passes it to me. It's a lavendar-colored marker. I say, "Ooh, lavendar is my favorite color (which it is)." Dustin says, "Oh yeah? I've got a lavendar jumpsuit." I think to myself, "Okay, that's a bit odd as fashion goes ... " but then I say, "Well that must make you popular." (I almost said, "That must make you popular with the guys," but I didn't) But anyhow, Dustin comes right back and says, "Yeah, but only on Tuesdays. I don't know why." He said this without any emotion or inflection, but with a subtle smile, and it seemed like a playful sort of comment. The significance here is that Tuesday night is gay night at Uptown, the main dance club in Bowling Green. It's also the meeting day for VISION, the campus gay, lesbian, etc. club. I know that Dustin was joking about this reference, playing off my "That must make you popular" line. The thing that bugs me was how he meant it. Was it just a joke? Was it directed at me (Dustin has got to know how much I adore him by the amount of times he's caught me looking at him, so he could easily have guessed I'm gay)? Was it a hint about him? And if it was a hint about him, was that an opportunity to really connect with Dustin that I screwed up and missed out on? It's bugging the shit out of me, and I'm kicking the hell out of myself for not taking a chance and trying to do something - ask him out, try to just grab hold of him as a friend ... anything! Just anything! Why didn't I do anything!?!

It's just driving me crazy. I wanted that class to last forever. I wanted to have that fun joking and conversation with Dustin forever. But it ended, and he was gone. And now maybe he's gone forever. I've never felt like this about anyone before. I've really been attracted to people in the past, but I've never been infatuated like this before. And it's not a sexual thing. I can't even thing of Dustin that way. I could, but I won't. It just seems wrong. I just have never had this pure, powerful need to know someone before. And now he's gone.

Am I fucking stupid or what? I just can't believe I didn't do anything. Damnit, not anything.

Posted at 12:23 AM

December 13, 2001

Tee hee! Less than a day left!

Everything is ready for tomorrow and the end to the semester. I have to print out a few things, but my projects are ready. I have to turn things in at every class, but class will only be held as long as it takes to collect those final projects. I have to go back to BG at least on Thursday and maybe one other day as well, but that's simply to collect my final projects and meet with my professors. I've even got a jump on a couple small projects that I'll be working on over the Winter Break.

I'm just so excited! I can't wait to get everything properly finished at school so that I can get on with all of my plans. Oh, and due to a couple fortuitous events, I have a relative certainty that the major update and expansion of the site that I've been claiming is on its way will be completed (I'm almost positive) by the end of the weekend.

It's all so cool.

Posted at 10:05 PM

December 12, 2001

Today was like a weird little flashback to the past. I had to go to Kinko's to make a color print for the cover of one of my portfolios. For those of you who haven't read far enough back in the Journal entries, I used to be a manager for Kinko's for quite a while. I quit because I was majorly stressed and had no future except as a heart-attack victim with no social life and a hatred for living (Life is better for me now because at least I'm not going to be a heart-attack victim).

Anyhow, I got myself set up on a computer for my print and ended up having a long conversation with the Computer Services Manager. She had recently returned to Kinko's, having been a Store Manager herself a few years ago. We chatted about how things were and how things have changed and all sorts of things. Everything she had to say rang true with everything I had heard about what things were like in the company in the years immediately after I had resigned. The company had become an unbearable place to work and turnover was higher than ever before (it was pleasing to know that I got out before it got even worse. Staying for something even worse than what I had haad to put up with would definitely have led to a heart-attack). But she was very much of the opinion that Kinko's was now a great place to work once again.

After I finished my conversation with her and got my printout, I went to cash out. The cashier was the Store Manager, and he was none other than Ted Vraihotes, the original manager of the first Kinko's I had worked at. He had left about two months before I started with Kinko's. Ted had left management to become a partner (Kinko's used to be composed of a bunch of limited partnerships. Just before I quit, the partnerships were rolled up into one company and the who entity transferred to a corporate structure. That was part of the reason things became so much more stressful). So here's Ted, the former partner from Kinko's of Buffalo. After the rollup of the partnerships, Ted had initially been made an Area Manager (he oversaw like two states worth of stores with Regional Managers reporting directly to him). A lot of old partners became Area Managers but just couldn't work in that structure. Ted must have been among those. It was just weird to see him as a Store Manager again, particularly in Bowling Green. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and a super manager, but it was just weird It would be like Seeing Bill Clinton go back to being a governor. It just wouldn't feel right.

And all in all, it was an interesting trip down memory lane. Usually I have really horrible memories of Kinko's that are brought on by some story of bad service or tale of woe from someone I know that still works there. But today was all about the nicer memories and thinking back to what I really loved about working at Kinko's. And there were a lot of things. I really did love my job. It was just the politics and the bullshit that came with playing the game the new corporate bigwigs wanted to fuck around with so they could make themselves feel like big men. I just couldn't stand that shit. And it's a shame, because I loved the job and I was damn good at it.

Posted at 9:55 PM

December 11, 2001

Damn but I hate writing critical papers. It's just so much crap, really, throwing out liberal quotes and paraphrases, having some lame-ass argument that you are forced to support even though you couldn't care less about what it states, and churning out just enough stuff to fill the required number of pages for the class. There's really just something wrong with the whole idea of writing in a contrived format with things you don't have any enthusiasm to discuss. Wouldn't it be much better to inspire people to write something they actual have strong feelings about? Wouldn't it be better to allow them to write in a fluid manner that best suits their style and the subject matter they are discussing than some clinical format that has no application outside of academia?

I'm just tired of this. Of everything I do at college, this is the one thing I hate. I could take tough exams, I could do daily quizzes, I could write creative, imaginative stories and poems, and I could put together presentations (although I must admit, I hate presentations, too) - but the critical papers are a waste of my time and energy. Unfortunately, they are present in every class and invariably count for a large portion of the grade for that class. Some classes have three or more critical papers each (two of my classes this semester had three critical papers). It's just fucked up.

Anyhow, I just needed to vent. I've spent all day working on one last really long paper, and I'll spend all day tomorrow (around attending classes) and some amount of Thursday still working to properly get this paper together. It just blows.

<Sigh> Okay. I feel better now.

Posted at 10:01 PM

December 10, 2001

Okay. So today I'm going to talk about Santa Claus. Not the wonderful mythical figure that some believe in and others don't; not the guy in all of the holiday cartoons and movies; not even the guy in children's stories and songs. No, today I'm going to talk about the crass commercial Santa of the mad, capitalist, consumer society.

I have the utmost derision for department store Santas. Some guy that needed a part-time job for the holiday season puts on a bunch of padding, puts cream on his hemorrhoids, and sits on a big chair for eight hours a day while a long line of kids waits - not because they're sure he's the real deal; not because they think they can convince him they've been much less naughty than nice; and not because they have a thing for sitting on some old, fat guy's lap. No, they wait in line because their parents insist that they go. Heck, the folks don't care what the kids tell Santa - they just want to pay $20 bucks and have some crappy Polaroid photo of the kid for the photo album, just the same as they've done for every Christmas since the kid was born. Heck, those first couple of years you'd think the kid was going to die from crying so hard; Santa scared the shit out of the kid as a baby, but hell, you have to remember that this visit isn't for the kid - it's for the parents to get that damn photo and be able to claim later that they were good parents since they did what everybody else does. These are the same sort of lemmings that believe everything politicians say and follow corrupt religious icons blindly until they get caught for fraud. These are the same people who would jump off a bridge if they could see for themselves that that was what everyone else was doing.

And of course department store Santas are everywhere, so the kids know he's a fake. How can there be not simply a Santa at each mall but also at each major department store in the same mall? Is Santa supposed to be able to be in a myriad of places at the same time? And how is it that he always has all sorts of elves with him to arrange taking the photos? I mean, who's making the toys if the elves are all helping take photos of the damn kids for the parents? And if this is really Santa, who gives away toys and good cheer to every kid every year, then why the hell does he charge for the photos, anyhow? And when did Santa get all of the time to show up in ads to promote some sale or special new toy? Does Santa get sponsorships or commission deals for his support in advertising, like in sports? Is the sleigh covered in sponsor logos and is Santa wearing Nikes and Tommy jeans? If not, then why? It's pretty obvious that he's sold out, so why not just forget about trying to fool anybody.

The Santa I used to want to know as a kid was the guy that symbolized good cheer and holiday spirit. He made me have hope that the holiday would be happy and fun (even after my father managed to make every Christmas upsetting and frightening). Santa was elusive, a guy that was magical because he was seen only rarely and was thus more believable.

I miss that Santa. And (even though I'm not very religious) I miss Jesus, too. At some time long ago, Jesus meant hope and happiness during this season; "Peace on earth and good will toward men." Now, Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. And maybe that's just as well. The last thing I want to see is kids getting their picture taken on Jesus' lap.

Posted at 10:38 PM

December 9, 2001

I was crazy for a while ... but I'm much better now.

After the past couple of days of serious depression and inaction, it came as no great surprise this morning that I couldn't get out of bed and just cried continually until some time after Noon. I was honestly quite a basket case, but maybe I just needed that release so that I could get through everything. I can't say that I feel very great now - I'm still rather sad and stiff, and I have a headache - but I am more stable than I have been for days. And hey, I got a bunch of stuff accomplished for school, even though I was in bed so long.

I am well along on all of the big final projects that are due for all of my classes with one notable exception. I have a 12 page paper for Phil's Contemporary American Lit class that needs to involve two of the novels we recently covered as well as at least one of the theoretical essays we covered, all in a critical assessment through a strong argument. I have already chosen which two novels and the theory I want to use, but I haven't gotten any further. My plan had been to put together a detailed outline over this weekend around working on my other projects, but my recent emotional uselessness pretty much blew that. Fortunately, I have left myself enough of a cushion this week that I should still be okay. I'll be cutting things much more close than I had planned, but it should all work out.

All in all, I should be fine with everything as this week rolls along. Even though my emotions are fairly fucked up, I'm still excited that classes will be done for the semester after this week. I am so anxious for a break from school that it goes beyond any explanation. And soon, my fabulous readers, you will enjoy my break from school as well. There are so many new things to add to the website in the way of poems and stories that you will simply be amazed.

Really.

Posted at 10:12 PM

December 8, 2001

I'm still tired, I'm very depressed again, and I'm not getting any of the stuff done for my classes that I should be tackling. I just want to roll up into a little ball and block everything out, but I know I have to work on things for school and that keeps me guilty enough to have the papers and books spread out but not getting anywhere with them. I just want to quit and forget I'm alive, but I still have a week of big projects to finish, and I can't give up now.

All the same, I so much want to give up. I'm just in a really bad, hopeless, lonely place (pretty much the opposite of theDreamworld). Where's a good bus to jump in front of when you need one?

Posted at 10:12 PM

December 7, 2001

Nnnngggg ... so tired ... this getting up at 6 AM and getting to sleep at 1 AM shit has got to stop. I am so glad that classes will be over in another week. Then I can finally get to sleep in. But I shouldn't complain too much; even though I'm way tired, I am much less depressed. I wish I were a bit more enthusiastic, and I wish that I had gotten more accomplished for school today, but I'm doing alright. And soon (when classes end next Friday) I'm be fantastic!

In the meantime, a few small good things are happening: Pat Robertson resigned as head of the Moral Majority; Connectix released the new version of Virtual PC (an emulator that runs Windows on the Mac as smoothly as if it's the native OS) and the new version is made for OS X, the new, faster Mac OS; my new version of Microsoft Office finally arrived, even though everyone has had delayed shipment of the new Mac version for months; Deimos Rising, an awesome arcade-style game by Ambrosia, was finally released; Apple CEO Steve Jobs slammed Microsoft and Bill Gates for the proposed settlement to the class action suits they are trying to end; and I got to stare at Dustin during class because he sat directly across from me - and all of that was just things that happened today!

So I guess I at least have some signs that some things can go right. I think the stress of the last few really big projects for classes are messing me up emotionally, so I'm still hoping that my remaining depression will disappear after next week (if not sooner). I'm still excited about the semester ending (even if I feel a bit emotionally clouded), and I can't help but make plans for getting to things I've been putting off.

Tops among the things I can't wait to do are: update and expand the website (and it will be a huge update with all sorts of new links, poems, and stories) and finally get my new laptop set up completely and comfortably. There are other things that need to get done as well, but these two things will just make me incredibly happy. I've been dying to get to both things for weeks.

Soon ... soon ...

Posted at 8:50 PM

December 6, 2001

Who would have thought that poems about Barbie and Ken not being able to have sex because they're smooth down there would strike me as depressing? The poetry reading tonight had all sorts of amusing poems by two nationally recognized poets - I know they were amusing, and other people laughed, but they just hit me like dead air - no effect, no value. I don't want to be depressed like this, but it won't go away. I need to do other things, but I can't block it out. I only need another week of emotional sanity; why can't this just wait?

Posted at 10:05 PM

December 5, 2001

About yesterday ... I changed my mind. Thinking about a relationship has just been dragging me further and further down, and I'm losing it. I'm getting so depressed that it's blocking everything else out, and thinking about a relationship is depressing. How could I even believe for a second that anything ... anyone ... it's just hopeless. It never changes. It's never going to change. It hurts so much to be alone. So alone. So alone.

Posted at 11:47 PM

December 4, 2001

Ah, what a busy day of schoolwork: reading two novels, making sure all of the poems and stories are ready for the three workshops I have tomorrow, and getting a few small assignments done so that I'm set. It was a full day. I am finding myself progressively more and more anxious for the semester to be over. I am so hoping to relax and not have to read things I would rather avoid, but I'm also impatient to get a lot of things done that I have had to keep putting off, particularly doing the full and proper setup of my new computer. Ahhh ... that will be so nice.

Yesterday, while I was having "coffee" with Heather and Chris and Beth (I don't drink coffee; I drink tea, but it's just just 'getting together for coffee,' you know?) - anyway, when we were talking about relationships and I told one of my sad tales (the ugly story of Josh from Bowling Green), Heather told me that the new project would be "to get somebody for Paul." It's kind of embarrassing in a way, and I don't expect that it was more than a passing comment, but I have found myself all day having memories of that part of the conversation. They aren't depressed memories; they're hopeful. And I find myself really hoping. 'So what?' you're thinking. Well, I had thought that I'd pretty much given up hope and that the only way I would ever again look at relationships was with a longing depression. Having hope doesn't get me any closer to having a relationship, but it is still significant. It means a lot regarding how I deal with things, and I feel pretty good about the idea that I have hope - the hope that I could still find lasting happiness. Now I have to see if I can make the next step and try dating again.

Posted at 8:24 PM

December 3, 2001

Wow, what a long day. I was up at 6 AM and it will be 4 AM before I get to bed, and I still feel pretty energetic.

There were a lot of projects due today, so I had to get a jump on the day to do final revisions and print things out. The day had its ups and downs, but I made it through. After Phil's Contemporary American Lit class we went out to Big Boy once again for coffee. It was a smaller group this time, me, Heather and Chris getting there first and staying until nearly 3:30 AM, and Beth and Sarah staying for quite a while each. Zach was supposed to join us for a while but never showed, and Phil was just too busy (and Stacey has some weird, bitchy grudge against a few of us in this group and she seems to be shunning us - very strange, but what can you do?). I had a great time. As usual, we ate a bit, talked a lot, and Beth, Heather, and Chris smoked and drank coffee almost continuously. It's funny, but I come back from these evenings smelling so much of smoke that it must surely seem like I spent the night at a bar (not that the smoke bothers me much; I don't even notice the smoky smell on my clothes until I get out of Big Boy and into the closed atmosphere of the car).

Conversation today ranged all over the place. We had a bit of brief controversy over the latest theoretical topic from class, but the whole idea aggravated me today and I wanted to cut that particular conversation short. We spent a while talking about relationships. Chris' and Heather's relationship, Beth's long-distance relationship, and Sarah's new relationship (we even talked about Zach's new girlfriend). Then we got into failed relationship stories; in fact, even I spoke up on this issue, and I usually avoid talking about my pathetic love life because people either laugh at me or don't care to listen. It was actually very comforting that my little circle of friends tonight wanted to hear about me and also that they were sympathetic to the pain of it all. I know that I've mentioned before that I like all of these people I have coffee with and that I respect their intelligence, but I just really can't tell you how good it made me feel to really have that sort of compassion along with the fun and laughter of the rest of the night. I hope I don't lose touch with everybody when the semester ends next week. It would really be disappointing.

We talked about all sorts of topics: art, fashion, classes, stupid people, current events, plans for Winter Break, books, ... just all sorts of stuff. In fact, our longest conversation was about what guys are cute/attractive/hot, whether they're guys in movies, music, TV, history, or wherever. Strangely, this was quite satisfying as well because I learned that Heather and Beth (and even Chris) have similar tastes to me in guys. All of the other people I know (Christiana, Joné, Shannon, Karl, etc.) all have completely different tastes in men from me - they like rugged, manly men that remind me of the Marlboro Man or my dad, and that just really turns me off. I (and apparently Heather and Beth) like healthy but not over-muscled guys with pretty faces (not necessarily feminine or beautiful, but certainly not rugged or what is considered strictly handsome). That doesn't mean we were hot for just Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and Hayden Christianson (although ... well, we all thought they were pretty much the hottest of all) - we actually talked about Sean Connery and Harrison Ford as attractive (although we decided they were losing it recently, finally showing their age). And believe me, we talked about all sorts of guys ... for hours ... so we covered a lot of ground. And once again, this was incredibly satisfying, because nobody would ever have such a superficial conversation with me among any of my old friends (except Christiana, and she and I have completely opposite tastes, so we just can't ever have this kind of conversation).

So all in all, even though I probably shouldn't have stayed so late, it was the best night I've had in as long as I can recall. I hope there are more to come.

Posted at 3:58 AM

December 2, 2001

Fuckers. Damn fuckers. Die a miserable death and rot 'til even maggots won't crawl in you.

I know I've mentioned before that I live in the Collingwood Arts Center and that, furthermore, I live in a secured hall specially for bands (no, I'm not in a band (although I play some musical instruments occasionally)), but have I mentioned before about the absolutely talentless, obnoxious fuckers of Shuttlecock? This band in the room next to mine has been playing for years, but they can't sing and they have this horrible recurring power chord thing going that just drives everyone who hears them to scream out, "You Suck!" Unfortunately, they have their amps turned up so high that they never hear these comments. For that matter, no one hears anything. They are so loud that you simply can't turn up your TV or stereo loud enough to drown them out. They run their amps so loud and fucked that the vibrations from the constant bass send things vibrating off of my shelves onto the floor. The noise has always been a problem with my one room, but it is far enough away down the hall that the vibration hasn't been a problem. The new room, however, has not only the vibration problem but the noise is even louder (if that's physically possible).

So I'm stuck with this shitty band practicing until 10 PM (yes, 10 PM - the Board of Directors felt that 9 PM was too early to enforce the policy of 'no noise that disturbs other tenants.' If I were a neighbor in one of the houses nearby, I'd be pissed, because you can hear this shit for a block or more). Sometimes, they play everynight from Thursday through Sunday from as early as 4 PM until 10 PM. Even on a light week they are usually here both weekend nights. Now in all fairness, they will sometimes be absent for a couple weeks now and again, but that only seems to be when I'm not in school. During the time that I'm in school, I have to constantly suffer their obnoxious crap, and I can get absolutely no schoolwork done whatsoever. I can't focus on reading; I certainly can't focus enough to write; and I even have trouble just watching TV and relaxing.

I am so tempted to fuck with their electricity so that they can't play. You can have no idea. I also hold a pretty strong grudge against them for some shit they pulled when I first moved in here. I've never forgiven them, and I'm still waiting for the right opportunity to get them back. And I will. In time.

Posted at 9:12 PM

December 1, 2001

If I never have to write another critical paper it will be too soon.

Unfortunately, even though I just finished another critical paper, I still have one more ugly, long one to do by the end of the semester (two more weeks). And of course after that I'll have lots of papers next semester. But let me tell you, I am getting so excited about Winter Break that I can hardly wait.

I'm actually dreading having to help Shannon clear out her house (she's selling her house as soon as she can sort things out and sell off everything she's not keeping). I want to help her, don't get me wrong, an in a twisted way it might even be sort of fun, but considering all of the things I need to do for myself (everything I've been putting off all semester or haven't had time to get to during the semester (cleaning, buying supplies, updating the website, setting up the new computer, writing on my stories, etc., etc.)), I feel like I'm not going to have any time left just to relax and do some entertaining stuff (see certain movies, play computer games, watch TV uninterrupted, etc., etc.). I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle the Shannon issue, but I'm sure I'll devote some time - it's just a matter of how much time that will be. Knowing Shannon's house and the fact that probably nobody but me will be helping, I easily expect I could help for two weeks, everyday, and things still wouldn't be complete. But I'm probably worrying for nothing; until I get to the point where I'm actually there, there's no sense in thinking about it.

I'm really anxious to play Starcraft some over break. Blizzard released a new updater patch that makes Starcraft run in the new Mac operating system, OS X, and it should be sweet. Plus, there are a bunch of new maps available on the Blizzard website that I haven't played through yet. Hee, hee, hee. I'm just so excited!

But I still have another big paper to write (among other projects), so I'll have to wait for my fun.

Posted at 12:13 AM