I started calling for insurance quotes today, turned over the 4th floor room, tried to get my new lease signed (which is still not happening for no logical reason), bought a new computer saddlebag and custom pens (to replace the stolen ones), set up a dentist appointment, made arrangements to stay with Chip while in Lafayette, got batteries to fix up a bunch of dying stuff (weak remote controls, weak car alarm fob, dead clock batteries, etc.), got the rattling noise solved in my car (two loose heat shields on the exhaust system, as expected), got new Journals for class notes at school, got a haircut, got more paint for the ceiling, reorganized my files to make things less confusing, washed laundry, bought food, got a new parking pass for the Arts Center, bought a CD I had wanted and picked up a computer game that I wanted as soon as I read the review (the game is called 'Alice', a twisted version of Alice in Wonderland, ... yes, it's ironic that I won't probably be able to play it for a month or two at least ...), and mailed off a few bill payments and a renewal for my health insurance through BGSU. In short, I did a little bit of everything.

Surprisingly, even with all of these things done, I still have loads to do. And to top it all off, I'm still very full of anxiety about the delays in finishing the new room. I just want these things done, damnit.

Posted Written at 12:45 AM

July 30, 2001

All of life is pain and suffering, disappointment and failure ... constantly and forever.

Today I got up early to put up the final full coats of paint on the ceiling and walls only to fins that the ceiling paint had cracked everywhere that I had applied a second coat. It would appear that the high temperatures and excessive humidity caused the new paint to dry oddly, such that it cracked and flaked. Painting over the cracking is not an option. I grabbed a scraper and watched as the paint simply fell right of the wall as I lightly moved the scraper across the paint. I spent an hour or so doing this, and when Shannon arrived we decided there was no point in doing anything with painting today since it was hotter and more humid than yesterday and we would just see the same problem. The problem was that it is supposed to be hot and humid all week, so I'm stuck. I can't paint, but I can't do anything else until the painting is done.

Once Shannon arrived, I had refocused my thoughts on how to use my time. I decided that I would run all of the errands I needed to do before school, buy all of the little things I needed before school, and try to go to Lafayette to visit Chip and see my dentist, all this week so that I could get back to the room this weekend (when it would hopefully be less hot and humid). Shannon and I spent the day moving all of the furniture and stuff from my 4th floor room into my current 3rd floor room. That room is now overstuffed and frustrating to try to move around in, and this is all I have until the new room is completed. With the 4th floor room emptied, we cleaned it and locked it up. Tomorrow I can turn it over so that I won't be charged for two rooms (B409 and the new room) at the same time.

After Shannon left, I scraped more loose paint and worked on putting a new screen into one of the screen frames for the new room. Nathan stopped by and helped me with this, and it was almost 11 PM by the time we were done.

This new room is just cursed, I tell you. Cursed.

Posted Written at 12:09 AM

July 29, 2001

I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I spent all day painting today and still have more to go. The ceiling has the start of the second and final coat, the window panes have two coats, and the walls have but one coat with another full coat needed. It is possible to see what the room will look like now that all of the surfaces are evenly painted in the appropriate colors, but I just want it to get done.

I expect that finishing the painting (the second coats noted above as well as silver paint on the radiator and heating pipes) will happen tomorrow, and hopefully I can get the floor uncovered, remove the spots of paint and stuff from the floor, and mop the floor a few times until it is clean. That still leaves a fair amount to do in small tasks to complete the remodel of the room, but I have only until 5:00 PM on Tuesday to empty out my 4th floor room and turn it over to the people in the office if I am to avoid paying any more for that room. If I can whip through a lot tomorrow and early Tuesday, I should be able to empty everything into the new room temporarily so that I can get rid of the old 4th floor room. Then I get to progress onto reworking my older room on 3rd floor ...

I am quite ready to see this done and just have some time to relax and do something fun and simple before school resumes. It seems like I'm running out of time to finish off all of the tasks I need to take care of before school, and I do want to relax a good deal before then.

'Calgon Baths, take me away!'

Posted Written at 10:59 PM

July 28, 2001

The room project goes on ... and on ... and on ...

Today, with some help from Shannon, I had planned to put a full first coat of paint on the room (ceiling, walls, and window panes). It didn't turn out that way, of course.

It started with me getting going by finishing the taping off/masking of things. I had finished the room itself yesterday so that I could spray paint the primer coat and finish coat of the chalkboard paint onto the chalkboards to restore them. I had run out of time and light for the closet, though, so I left it until this morning. That took a little while. By the time I go to the point of covering the closet floor, I had stomped around all sorts of green dust. Yes, I said green dust. You see, the spray paint for the chalk boards (green) set out huge clouds of paint dust - everywhere. Fortunately, the closet had been masked off from the outside, but the dust clung to my shoes and moved in with me. So I had to clean up the floor and cover it. After that, I started wiping down pretty much everything to clean up the green dust. Shannon arrived while I was doing this and, using a dust mop I had her buy on her way over, we managed to clean up most of the green. There is still a fair amount of the dust on the floor, so it clings to the bottom of your shoes or to your knees if you bend down, but the mass of it is gone.

After that clean up, we had to cover the chalkboards so the other paint wouldn't get on them, then paint a primer coat on the exposed plaster and the conduit from the new electrical lines, and then we had a quick lunch. By the time we actually started painting it was 2:30. Needless to say, the first coat on painting isn't quite done. At 8:30 Shannon went home and I made a quick dash to buy more paint (the plaster sucked up all of the paint I had bought for the ceiling in just one coat and was sucking up the wall paint pretty well. The ceiling coat is done (but needs a second coat to be perfect) and the edging of the walls is more than halfway finished.

Tomorrow we won't have to do the cleanup or prep-work that took so long today, but we still have a lot to do to finish the first coat and put up all of the second coat. Hopefully we can get that much done. Even at that hectic pace, we will still barely be able to get things finished enough to turn over my 4th floor room on Tuesday, the end of the month. Damn this is tiring.

At least it is starting to look more complete as the paint goes up. Even so, I just wish it were all done.

Posted Written at 10:32 PM

July 27, 2001

This past week saw the MacWorld Expo in New York. This is usually a big rollout area for new Apple products, and it was greatly anticipated this year with expectations of the new flat-screen iMac, the next generation G4 Tower, and possibly a Powerbook G4 update even though the new Powerbook model just came out in January. Also expected were a formal rollout of OS X, the all-new, all-powerful Mac operating system, as well as all sorts of new software being released now or soon that is optimized for the faster speed and better stability of OS X. Although the software announcements went as planned, the hardware was simply an updated iMac (faster, different color choice) and an updated G4 Tower (faster, "Quicksilver" color style as opposed to the clear & blue mode of the predecessor). A large number of substantiated rumors from the Expo claim that Apple employees (including iCEO Steve Jobs) were heard to say, "We should gave been ready," or "It should have been done."

Apple is well-known for only releasing products when they are ready to start selling them that day, thoroughly tested and bug-free. It sounds to everyone like Apple simply ran out of time, and will work hard to release the new hardware soon. The next opportunities are Seybold San Francisco in the beginning of September and the Paris Expo at the middle of September. The next-generation iMac and the next-generation G4 Tower are considered definite announcements, and the updated Powerbook G4, code-named Onyx, is largely expected to be announced as well. The "Onyx" Powerbook is expected to include a possible speed bump and almost certainly will include one of the updated graphics cards that have been hoped for as an improvement. It is also largely believed that the new Powerbook will have a DVD/CD-R combo drive like the iMac and G4 Tower already have (the ones for the Powerbook had to be reengineered to be thinner and run cooler).

All of these additions to the Powerbook would be great. In fact, even any single one of the improvements would be great. It tempts me greatly to wait on ordering the new Powerbook now that I have the cash from the settlement, but I am concerned about the fact that these are still simply rumors. I would hate to wait until mid-September only to find that there was still no change in the Powerbook. If I order now, I can have the new Powerbook just in time to set it up and use it as the new semester of college starts. If I wait for the possible upgrade, I wouldn't get the new laptop until the end of September at the very earliest, considering shipping (and it would probably be more like mid-October). By that time, I would be in midterms and have no time to set up the new machine until at least Thanksgiving (at least it's unlikely that my work load will be light enough to accommodate it).

It's a tough decision because living without the computer would be hell, particularly with the writing I would have to be producing for my classes. I'm really tempted to wait, but I'm not as comfortable with that decision as I would like to be.

Posted Written at 10:17 PM

July 26, 2001

Well, the additional settlement check arrived this morning, I spent most of the day stripping and restripping (two full applications were needed), and then scrubbed the stripped wood and stained it after everything had dried out. I also had to buy more supplies for the remodel, and the pricetag is definitely making me wonder of this new room can ever live up to its expense.

As much as I look forward to the things this room will offer, the financial crunch of the higher-than-expected rent and the remodeling costs are going to cause a distinct impact. I've juggled some numbers in my head, but considering there's still expenses to cover with the computer theft that I didn't get from the insurance settlement, I'm not sure if I can make ends meet for another year without something drastic being done (get rid of insurance to save money, sell lots of possessions, or <gasp!> get a job!). For the moment I'm sort of avoiding making some hard decisions because I have so much work to do on the new room in so little time, but I'll have to face it all soon.

Even with the things that happened today, I was incredibly moody. I took a break in the evening to grab dinner with Christiana and Joné at Joné's place, and I got so depressed while I was there that I just about lost it. I hate being like this. I hate it. I know that part of it is because I am so tired, but I hate it anyhow.

Posted Written at 12:57 AM

July 25, 2001

Today has sucked. No check from the adjuster (although I suspect it simply was too late to get it out overnight), a long way to go in the remodeling process and time is ticking away to the end of the month, and a final decision from Lee in the office that my rent will be $145 per month, $20 more per month than what I had anticipated. It all sucks.

And on top of all of that, I'm super tired. I started using that Citristrip crap to strip the paint off of the wood trim on the chalkboards in the new room. It smells good, particularly considering what normal stripping agent smells like, but it creates this sticky toxic goo that stuck to everything - the drop cloth, the floor, my shoes, the woodwork, the stripping tools, me ...

And I'm still left with a bunch of stripping to still get done.

I met briefly with Steve tonight, too, to try to help him revise his resume to give him a better chance at getting a new job. Steve invited Wallace and Jerry to help with the revisions as well, but they treated it as beneath them and talked about important things - namely the current Dungeons & Dragons game. You know, I like D&D, too, but when a friend needs your help ... you help. Maybe it's no surprise that I have trouble seeing these people as my friends anymore.

Posted Written at 12:45 AM

July 24, 2001

This morning I received a FedEx package from the insurance adjuster. She had finished my claim and sent the report and the check without having called to discuss and explain everything (which she had said she would do). Most of the settlement was acceptable. They denied my claim on the car stereo face plate, saying that it wasn't covered un less it was stolen from in the car.

The real problem with the claim <Shock!> is the settlement for the computer. The adjuster claimed she had found a new Powerbook G3 laptop on the web at Bizrate.com for $1902. Well, the G3 Powerbooks stopped being manufactured early in January, so it wasn't likely that it was new. It may have been "unopened," but that to me suggests that it's either stolen or has been sitting in a dark musty corner and was just discovered. The big problem with the G3 she found was that it wasn't on the website today when I used the computer in the office. In fact, the same site she had quoted from, Bizrate.com, had a USED Powerbook G3 for $1954, even more than the supposedly new one.

I managed to get through to my adjuster by going through about four other people in her offices first, and she was very inflexible and unconcerned about the fact that I considered the G3 she saw might have been used and, at a minimum, was no longer available. Her response was that it said it was new and that her job was simply to find a suitable cost of replacement for the item and then deliver a check for that amount. I stayed patient for a while but then, among a variety of choice words and terse demands, I told her that she was essentially telling me that if she saw some guy on the street corner selling unopened boxes of G3 Powerbooks for $50 each, then my settlement would be for $50, even if the guy wasn't there again once I got there. She didn't seem amused by this, nor did she have any response except that her hands were tied and that only her supervisor could offer more, and he had reviewed the claim so she found it unlikely that he had seen anything wrong with it either.

Well, since I was getting nowhere fast with her, I got her supervisor's name and called back to try to reach him. He of course wasn't available, but I left a very lengthy message about how my adjuster was unwilling to work with me and was trying to force me into accepting a used replacement. After that call, I called Shannon's boss, Stu - the lawyer. I had thought that Stu would be my ace in the hole, but he made it quite clear that it would cost too much for me to have him represent me. He also isn't seem to sympathetic to my situation. In the end, he suggested I simply cash the check for their settlement amount, buy the computer, and file in small claims court for the difference. Great.

By this time I had lost almost the whole day in running around to get information and to make calls. By the time I got to work on the new room, it was well after 5 PM. I had finally started to get into the work again when I got a phone call (ay 5:58 PM). It was my adjuster.

She immediately offered another $740, exactly the amount necessary to increase the earlier settlement and cover the costs for a low-end Powerbook G4, the current model. I have my suspicions that her supervisor got my message and told her to fix the situation she had caused, but I kept my mouth shut and simply agreed. She said she would send out the check overnight, so hopefully tomorrow will see an end to this fiasco.

After all of that, I worked on the new room for quite a while, and even though I wasted most of the day, I got a bit accomplished by the time I crashed.

Posted Written at 1:37 AM

July 23, 2001

Having heard nothing still from the insurance adjuster (who claimed on Wednesday that the claim was finished and simply being reviewed by her supervisor), even though I left messages again on Friday and this morning. I think I'll go out of my mind soon if I can't get this settlement over. I need a computer, and I need it before school starts.

The computer aside, the room situation is driving me further insane. As if I'm not far enough behind now with the remodel, I keep losing hours with Lee in the building office when I try to quickly look for an odd item from the storage rooms in the basement to help in the remodeling or when I ask her about the lease for the room. Oh yes ... I still don't have a signed lease. In fact, I can't get a solid confirmation on a monthly rent cost. I'm probably insane to do all of this remodeling with no idea how much IO will have to pay and without a legitimate claim to the room.

I'm very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I don't trust people pretty much at all anymore, and relying on somebody's good will to get my insurance claim finished or my room locked in is making me very anxious. Some of this shit has to stop soon because it's burning me out. I'm tired from the work on the room, but the emotional and mental drain of juggling all of these dilemmas at once is taking its toll. I only hope that everything is resolved by the beginning of next month.

Posted Written at 11:52 PM

July 22, 2001

Nathan stopped by today and hung out while I worked on the room. I am falling way behind the schedule I had set in my mind to get the remodeling done, and this has been proving incredibly frustrating. Having Nathan to chat with was a nice break, though. I t made things more bearable.

I still find Nathan very interesting, but I find myself feeling more and more distant from him, as if we have absolutely nothing in common. It's upsetting, but I have had this happen before. Other than talk about Christiana, our mutual acquaintance, all of our conversations fizzle out fairly quickly. Maybe it's just that I'm so burnt out right now with the stresses of the insurance claim and the room, but it seems like this distance from Nathan has been building for the last few months.

Other than the visit from Nathan, the day was a bust. I am taking incredibly wrong to restore the woodwork around the room, and time just keeps getting shorter and shorter.

Posted Written at 10:52 PM

July 21, 2001

I've been extremely depressed the last few days, and working on the new room has not helped. What I really need (and have needed for the last three days) is to rest, relax, think, and soothe my emotions. Instead, the work just pushes off relaxing or thinking and tends to stress me out regarding the timetable of getting all of this done. Today, like each of the last few days, I have been on the verge of tears at various points for various reasons but have had no time to deal with my emotions. The depression in turn makes me not really give a damn about anything, and that includes working on the room. It's only the fact that I have no extra time that has kept me working, and it makes things worse to not have time to collect myself.

Loneliness accounts for a lot of this, I know. Seeing beautiful boys everywhere I turn is practically killing me. I doubt that you can imagine how much it hurts to see someone ... and ... just want to watch them forever ... or talk to them, or share time with them ... and know that you simply don't exist for them.

I wish I didn't think or feel - life would be easier then.

Posted Written at 12:02 AM

July 20, 2001

After taking most of the day yesterday working with Steve, all of this morning working myself on getting parts of the project done, and all afternoon today, Steve and I finished the electrical work in the new room. I now have a cool ceiling light, a whole bunch of outlets, grounded power supply, and reliable work. I also managed to get all of the plaster work done and stripped paint off of some of the window fixtures.

The amount of work yet to be accomplished and the plodding rate of progress is really disappointing, but it's great to see progress at all. I'm concerned about getting everything done with all of the rooms by the end of the month, but I'll just have to keep working hard and deal with delays as I must. I'm sure my Journal entries about this remodeling process are somewhat boring, but working on the room has pretty much been filling my days solid. I very much look forward to a break in another week or so, and the final reward of the finished rooms is something well worth working for.

I just wish I could get one day of sleep.

Posted Written at 11:54 PM

July 19, 2001

I keep having this weird memory flash. I remember a time during a terrible night one winter when the temperatures were set to go below zero. My dog, Oscar, was outside in his house in the dog run (because my parents wouldn't even think about having a dog in the house), and I was outside trying to get him and take him into the garage and set him up with a warmer bed. Oscar was an English Setter, a good-sized dog but not huge, and once he was in his house, it was pretty much up to him to come out. Well, with the cold temperatures, loads of snow, and bitter blowing wind, he had no intention of coming out of his house, no matter how much I begged him. Eventually, my patience wearing thin and my body going numb in the cold, I tried reaching in to grab Oscar's collar. When I dig this, Oscar growled fiercely and I, without a moment's thought, said "How dare you growl at me!" and lightly slapped him on his snout. He made no more noise after that, came out of his house, and I carried him into the garage for the night.

Oscar was a very docile dog, even timid. In fact, he aggravated my father to no end since, even though he was a bird dog, he didn't like hunting or even running in anything taller than long grass. He was a wonderful dog, but not at all what my father expected from a dog. With this in mind, it was amazing that Oscar growled at me. That was actually the only time he ever growled at me or anyone, and I'm sure it was simply because he was cold and scared. I have always been somewhat mystified at the growling, but I have moreso been thoughtful about my reaction. I have always had a good effect on animals, and I never seem to bother even the most easily agitated animals, and I suppose I was completely taken by surprise that I would get a negative reaction from my own dog when I was trying to help him. What really bothers me is the ease with which I reacted like my father would - in a violent, superior manner.

I always fear that I will not escape my father's anger, his violence, his abuses to his family and children, his bullheadedness, and his blind determination that he is always right. The incident with Oscar was over 20 years ago, but it still haunts me because it shows I can hurt something I love if I'm caught in the passion of the moment.

What is particularly odd right now is that I don't understand why this particular memory keeps recurring. I just don't see the connection that my subconscious is trying to make, and it is driving me crazy. I still fear becoming like my father, but I don't see why that should be any more of a concern now than at any other time.

Posted Written at 11:42 PM

July 18, 2001

Last night I lay in bed looking forward to today because all sorts of great things were set up to happen. Steve was going to come over to help me set up all of the electrical work for the new room, the adjuster was going to call with my settlement amount, the people in the office here at the Arts Center were supposed to have my paperwork finished for the new room, the keynote speech of the MacWorld Expo in New York was likely to announce a bunch of cool new products (with a special interest on my part in possible suggested improvements for the new Powerbook), and the Lottery drawing was for $6 million (and while I had virtually no chance of winning, at least there was a possibility).

Well, even with so many things that could have happened and two that were guaranteed, none of these things happened. And that sucks.

Steve claims that he will arrive at 9 AM tomorrow morning to dig in on the project and work until we're finished (but he also promised to help early today and then said, when I talked to him later, that he would be over at 7 PM but then changed his mind after I'd waited an hour for him in the parking lot). I left yet another message for the adjuster, but she never answers them, so I'll have to call continuously all day tomorrow in the vain hope that I might reach her. Lee, in the office, assures me that Jim, the Treasurer, will be in tomorrow and we can resolve the lease. Apple is not likely to make any new product announcements until late September. And while the next Lottery drawing is for $8 million, that is only because I (like everyone else) didn't win.

So am I depressed? Yes, a bit. Am I angry? Yes, a bit. Am I tired? Oh yes, very achy tired. I spent a day scraping all of the woodwork in the new room, prepping it for a solid scrubbing before resealing it. I am sore and tired, and my being tired is only partly due to the physical exertion. I'm just frustrated. I hate it when nothing goes right. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. It never seems fair. It's always frustrating. And it just makes me hate having to even try to do anything. What's the fucking point of trying when nothing ever comes of it?

That, my friends, is the $6 million question.

Posted Written at 12:00 AM

July 17, 2001

I got going early today to find a ceiling light. After a lot of wasted time in the basement of the Arts Center looking for one of the original fixtures (but finding none), I went out to a few stores and found a light I liked almost immediately. It was more expensive than I would have liked, but it should work out quite well.

I had planned to meet with Steve at noon to start the project, but Steve had a few jobs he wanted to pursue during the day (he is between jobs right now), and I told him to obviously put that first.

My next call (after Steve) was to the adjuster. After calling other people in the insurance adjuster's office, I got my call transferred to her and was able to talk to her and not her voice mail. She had received the fax of my documents and the mailed copy of the same papers arrived at the same time. She had been reviewing the claim and assured me that she would have a settlement amount tomorrow and she would call. I hope that she does, and I hope that she is willing to settle for a sufficient amount. I'd like to see an end to this.

I spent the rest of the day working on the windows (which were so soiled with air pollution that I had to repeatedly spray Windex on the windows and scrape firmly with a razor-blade to remove the built-up toxic yellow green sludge from the glass. It took forever, but the windows are sparkling and super-transparent. I also was able to fix both windows so that the sashes move fully top to bottom with ease (one top sash would only move a couple inches and the other wouldn't move at all). Once again, I had intended to get a lot more accomplished, but that just wasn't going to happen.

I spent time moving old fixtures from the room that I didn't want to keep into the basement (the old light, some shelves, some curtain rods). I also had a couple different conversations with the people in the office about finalizing the paperwork for that new room - why this should be dragging on is beyond me... I also helped Christiana with a few small things to set up her new room, and I spent some time moving the incredibly heavy desk that I had sold to Christiana a while ago and she had recently sold to Brian, Joné's roommate. That thing is way too heavy to go up and down flights of stairs like we did, but he's happier now that he has a nice big desk for his new computer.

That was pretty much the day. I'm anxious for the promises of tomorrow. The adjuster claims to be calling me with a settlement amount, and Steve should help me install all of the electrical setup in the new room. If those two things get accomplished, I don't care if I do nothing else all day. I just want both of them done. After those two things, everything else will be pretty easy and even kind of fun.

Posted Written at 12:23 AM

July 16, 2001

I spent a lot of time throughout the day trying to reach the adjuster but to no avail. It really pisses me off, because I have no idea if the claim is moving forward or even if the fax went through alright on Friday. I left messages for the woman on Friday and today, but she made no attempt to even return my call. I hate this whole situation.

I also had to run some errands and decided to check out ceiling lights for the new room. It has been a minor dilemma, but I went to a friend of mine (also named Paul) who works for an electrical supply company. We looked at a lot of options, but costs were outrageously high or the light would take forever to order (or both), so I didn't make any progress with this.

Once I was back at the Arts Center, I spent time trying to look for light fixtures in the basement, led around by one of the board members. I couldn't find anything here either, and a couple of frustrating dramas were playing out all day between a fairly insane tenant and the office staff. Things were pretty ugly all day in that regard.

I spent a few hours working on the room, working further on the windows but focusing on removing loose paint from the sashes and getting the windows ready for new sealing glaze around the edges. I didn't get very far with that before Steve arrived with a truckload of things for Christiana and I. Moving those inside and storing them only took a few minutes, but we spent a bit of time looking at the new room and discussing the planned changes. From there, Steve and I went to his house to pick up a few supplies of the project and then on to Home Depot to get all of the electrical supplies for the full project. We looked at more ceiling lights, but I couldn't find anything that I felt would work. Taking Steve into Home Depot is like taking a kid into a candy store, so we ended up wandering through for quite a while. Eventually we left and unloaded the supplies into the new room. We spent a little time removing the overhead light and checking the wiring and mounting setup. By that time it was past 9 PM, so we decided to start on the project tomorrow and just relax for the evening. Tomorrow will be great, because I'll have all of the new electrical setup.

Posted Written at 10:47 PM

July 15, 2001

I spent the earlier part of the day working on remodeling the room. Today's remodeling revolved around removing paint from the natural wood trim and frames of the windows. It doesn't sound like very much, but it involved a lot of elbow grease, patience, and endurance. I had hoped to complete quite a bit more, but that just wasn't going to happen since I had to get cleaned up for the get-together at Shannon's.

I got to Shannon's at 6:30 PM and had dinner with her and a conversation about a variety of subjects, including my getting advice from her boss, Stu, about my legal options in the insurance claim for the computer. Stu is out of town until Wednesday, but I can meet with him then. Shortly before the show was to begin at 8, Steve and Wallace showed up. Wallace's wife Jeanne and our friend Tammi were supposed to come as well, but they had other things they wanted to do. Things were a bit awkward at first, but Steve and I ended up chatting about a variety of things during the commercials and then afterward, until we both left at 2:30 in the morning. The show, the first of two parts, was okay but cut down tremendously from the story in Zimmer-Bradley's novel. But it was interesting and it got Steve and I talking again.

Steve also agreed to help me with the electrical work in the new room. We made some tentative plans for tomorrow, both to look at the room and the electrical needs as well as for me to get some things that Steve had been storing for both Christiana and me and that he needed to get rid of to unclutter his house. I got back to the Arts Center very exhausted, but it was a good day in many ways.

Posted Written at 3:04 AM

July 14, 2001

Today was the beginning of the remodeling project. I spent a good amount of time, until the end of the afternoon, buying supplies and pricing some other things I will need later. This will end up costing more than I like to spend, but I should still save cash in the long run. I managed to find everything that I needed to find, so at least I know where to go in order to buy things. I'll just have to be cautious about how I budget this.

Once I got back to the Arts Center, and after eating a late lunch, I got to work at pulling out nails and screws and random hardware from the walls and woodwork, scraping off loose paint, removing some unwanted shelving that was put in by a recent tenant, wiping down the walls, sweeping up all of the trash and dust, cleaning the blackboards (this was a classroom while the nuns still owned the building, and the blackboards are still here), and mopping up the floor a few times until the mop water didn't run a solid black any more. There's still much to do, and what I did today took me until 11 PM, but I feel that I got a good start, and the room is already starting to fit into a vision I am forming for what the final product should be expected to look like. I'm tired from the physical labor, but I have a very satisfying feeling for what I have already accomplished.

There is still much to do, so I have more than I can get done tomorrow certainly, but the big unknown remains the electrical work. I have measured things, priced all of the supplies and hardware that would be required, and have a good idea how to lay things out. I even looked at a variety of overhead lights to replace the crappy florescent thing that is currently in place. Now I just need someone experienced to work with me so that I don't accidentally wire something wrong and burn down the building. I'm supposed to see Steve tomorrow at Shannon's for an evening watching The Mists of Avalon on cable, so I will ask him then if he is willing to help. Hopefully so - it would make things much, much easier - but I really don't know what to expect from Steve anymore. But I'll hope for the best. That would be a great boon, and if I can get the electrical work done, everything else will proceed very quickly and allow me to get everything completed on time.

Well, that's all to be seen tomorrow. For now, a good nights rest is in order.

Posted Written at 1:06 AM

July 13, 2001

The odyssey of stupidity continues ...

True to it's reputation, Friday the 13th was full of annoyances and poor luck. There was one bright moment, but it, too, had it's downside. The day began early since I got up with the intention of faxing my insurance documents to the adjuster from the fax at the office here in the Arts Center. Great idea if it had worked. Unfortunately, the fax machine was not willing to cooperate. So after quickly getting cleaned up and driving to the far side of town to my insurance agent's office, I asked them to fax the 27-page document. They were snotty and didn't want to fax it, and treated me as if I was an inconvenience - all of this after I've waited two-and-a-half weeks with no work being done on my case ...

Anyway, after an hour I was able to leave (yes, it took them an hour to fax a document. Makes no sense to me either). I got back to the Arts Center and spent most of the day calling the adjuster about every twenty minutes. Even with my diligent efforts, I still never reached the adjuster. So now I have to wait through another weekend without any progress being made on my case. I spent a little time talking to Shannon later and we may talk to her boss, Stu (who is a lawyer), about whether I should involve a law firm to get my claim resolved and paid out fairly. I may talk to him on Sunday. We'll see.

I also spent a bit of time fixing a power problem in my room that required restarting everything and fixing clocks and stuff. I think I lost some preset stuff, too, but I haven't had time to check yet. Around this, I finished reading Gregory Macguire's Cinderella-twist, Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister. It was another excellent book. Macguire is proving to be quite interesting. I also had dinner with Christiana and a long talk with Shannon.

The good thing of the day was that the room I have been hoping would open up has become available and I now have it as one of my rentals. This is a larger room in the same floor of the same wing as the divided room where I spend most of my time. With this new room and some remodeling and moving of stuff, I can get rid of my bedroom studio and storage room studios that are in different floors and different wings of the building. All of this and I have lower rent, too. So it's just an all-around great deal. Well, except for one thing.

Friday the 13th and my own poor luck conspired to laugh at me by providing only one electrical outlet for this whole new room. That, plus a super-ugly florescent ceiling light are the only real problems with the room - everything else is minor and easily repaired. The electrical work is an issue, however, because I don't feel comfortable running new conduit and wiring. I know how, I just don't trust my luck. When I rewired this room, Steve helped me, but Steve is among the people who seems to have abandoned me, and I'm not sure he'd help even if I was willing to ask. I talked to Shannon about it since we're mutual friends with Steve, and she feels pretty much the same way. I'm going to try to talk to Steve on Sunday anyhow because I don't feel I have anything to lose, but I have no idea what to do if I can't get Steve to help.

I need to jump on getting the room remodeled so that I can move things around and relinquish my other rooms at the beginning of next month so that I can keep my rent expenses down. I don't need to be paying my normal rent plus the new room as well if I can manage not to. Anyhow, I guess I'll find out what I can pull together over the course of the weekend. Now I have so much to keep up with - the insurance claim, the new room, Christiana moving (yes, another development from today. She's moving to a different room in the building as well), raveling to Indiana to see my dentist and visit Chip and Shannon, and getting everything done before school starts ups again. So much to do, so little time.

Posted Written at 11:59 PM

July 12, 2001

On Tuesday I played phone tag with my insurance adjuster, never actually talking to her but getting a message that she still hadn't received the collection of receipts and estimates I had put given to my local insurance agent's office. She claimed that they had told her earlier that day that they would overnight it to her. I called the agent's office after I received the message and said that the adjuster didn't have the documents and asked what was going on. They checked and told me that the documents had been mailed last week. Even if that was true, that still bothered me since they had had the materials since two weeks ago. Besides that, somebody was lying - either the adjuster or the agent's office. I wasn't pleased with this situation at all, but I decided I would wait and see if the adjuster had materials the following day, considering they were supposed to be overnighted to her.

Yesterday, I had a really bad day emotionally, and I just couldn't keep myself together very well. My intention had been to follow up with the adjuster, but I didn't do that. In fact, I didn't leave my room at all, except for bathroom breaks, until nearly midnight, right before I went to watch tv in my bedroom.

Today, I called a few different times, trying to reach the adjuster. At about 5:15, after I had pretty much given up hope of reaching her for the day, I made contact. That was the good news. The bad news was that she still had not received my documents. You can't begin to imagine how angry I was to hear this, but I worked hard to maintain my calm. I explained my call to the agent's office earlier, and I expressed my displeasure at having lost over two weeks already with absolutely nothing accomplished. I made arrangements to fax all of the documents (from my set of originals) to her first thing in the morning (when I could use the fax in the office). As it was nearly 5:30 at this point, it was too late to contact my agent's office, but that will be the first place I call after faxing in the materials to the adjuster. I am incredibly angry and upset about this idiocy, and it bothers me even more that I will simply have to suffer the unnecessary delay and get nothing for my trouble.

As it is, I am concerned that I will be losing out in this settlement and not be given a reasonable amount of money with which to buy a new computer, and I am further concerned about the delays of getting a check and then further waiting for actual shipment. On top of all that, I get screwed over again by my insurance company, and I won't get anything out of it - no extra money to compensate, no compassion in assessing my settlement check, and likely not even an apology for this inept treatment.

I have decided that I am probably going to file a claim for the damage that was inflicted upon the car a while back. The insurance agent won't be happy that I didn't report it right on time, but I'm not happy that they didn't file my claim paperwork on time. So maybe that makes us even. Partly, I guess I'm just bitter, and I'm going to take my vengeance out on them by making them pay. Realistically, the car is insured for this damage, and it needs to be repaired, so the insurance company should pay (minus the deductibles (since it was two incidents)) and provide the money for me to get it all repaired. It's ridiculous to have to spend my summer this way, but it seems like this will be occupying my time probably until I return to college.

Yeah.

Posted Written at 12:11 AM

July 11, 2001

And today's Secret Word is ... 'Fucked!' You all know what to do when someone says the Secret Word. Whenever anyone tells you to 'Get Fucked,' scream real loud!!! Let's practice: 'Hey, you're a nice guy and you try to be good to people and do the right thing, but why don't you GET FUCKED!!!'

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted Written at 11:27 PM

July 10, 2001

I ran Joné and Jordan around town for their practice session for their acting group (both of their cars are unusable) and then we went to dinner. Jordan is so adorable. He's attractive, but not exactly hot; sexy, but sort of geeky and innocent; young, but mature; and funny, intelligent, and full of energy. He also sees himself as a "bisexual heterosexual." His big flaw is that her smokes, drinks, and does various drugs, lots of each by his admission. He was just too much eye-candy today, and I found myself holding back tears a couple of times when I faced the reality that he (or anyone like him) would never be interested in me. It's sad that I should get so wrapped up in ogling him and knowing I can't have him considering I could never be able to accept a relationship with someone who smokes, drinks or does drugs. It's not that I don't think he's really a cool guy, but I just can't be around those things.

Over the course of the evening, among various light conversation, Jordan made a comment that has stuck with me. He had mentioned that he had lost 4" off his waistline after a summer of working with aluminum siding on homes. He is perfect right now, so it was just the right amount. Jordan said, "I think everybody makes sure they look good naked," referring to attaining a weight and shape that a person is comfortable with. For me, I'm not happy with my body. I'm too overweight, and I don't like how I look naked. But I have rarely liked how I look naked. I have only once in my life felt that I have been attractive naked. It bothers me a lot, but my depression just keeps demanding that I eat and drink lots of Pepsi to mollify my anxiety and sadness. I have to stop. I have to fight against this, stop drinking Pepsi, and eat less and better. I have to make the effort, even though I know it's going to be really difficult. I just wish I had some belief that it would be worth anything. I just don't believe that my loneliness will be ended if I get slim and trim. It's never worked that way before, and I don't have any reason to believe that I'll find acceptance and love in the future if I slim down. And if I did, what would that say about the person that was interested in me - how could I feel that it wasn't all just a physical attraction and nothing more.

So I guess I'm going to make the difficult struggle back into the world of diet and fasting. I can tell you right now that this will be very difficult. But I have to make this happen.

Posted Written at 10:38 PM

July 9, 2001

Emotions suck. I don't like them.

Posted Written at 11:12 PM

July 8, 2001

Today I read all of Ethan Hawke's novel The Hottest State and a good start on Paul Redinger's Good Boys. Between these two novels, my overwhelming depression, Christiana blowing me off, and the ugly stress of a confrontational Tenant's Meeting here in the building (and, oh yes, let's not forget being locked out of my room after my shower for ten minutes before I could get my key into the lock and get it to turn), I have been having anxiety attacks and fits of crying throughout the day. It has not at all been a good day.

I've found lately that I can't look at just about anything anymore without it depressing me. I see an attractive boy or man on tv, walking down the street, in the mall, visiting someone in the building - I just find myself wanting to watch them or hold them or just listen to them talk ... and I know that I am nothing to them. I hear about what someone does for a living in a conversation in the office, on tv, or in some interchange with somebody - I realize that I have nothing to show for my life, no career, and an endless pursuit of a college degree with no likely application ... and I realize that I have no real goals or hopes anymore. I notice a family or a child playing in the park or a man tossing a ball to his son - I hurt from never having had a real childhood and having no pleasant memories to draw upon, and I realize how painful it is to know I'll never have any children of my own ... and I see again and again how empty and alone I am and will always be. I hear about people having affairs or being players or having fuck buddies or lying about love to get what they want, often with people that truly are in love with them and who would give everything for that love - I can't understand throwing away love and hurting people like that, and I don't understand how these horrible people manage to find love ... because I have great love to give and have done so, only to be hurt and cast aside every time, and I worry that this will always be the way and I will never have someone to love. I see murder and war and bigotry and corruption and all of the evils of the world - and I know that I am completely helpless to stop any of it from destroying the world ... and I fear living in this horrible world for another minute. I find myself feeling more ugly, more stupid, and more useless as every day passes. I find even the happiest of songs make me sad. I find the world around me seems dull and colorless. I find that I learn nothing new any more.

I find my life to be a horrible, empty, painful thing ... and I can't help but feel like crying every moment of the day. I just want it all to end ... just to stop and be no more. This is a horrible existence, and it must stop.

Posted Written at 11:28 PM

July 7, 2001

I read The Secret Garden for the first time today. Is it only in stories that someone comes out of the blue to help someone else out of deep depression and troubles? Is it only possible to be happy in stories? Is storyland a complete fantasy that can never be realized in life? It just bothers me that I can't break my depression, and even though I know I could break free with help, nobody gives a damn.

I really need someone to make me feel like I'm worth liking. I can't see it on my own, and the fact that nobody seems to care if I'm happy or not just seems to confirm that I'm not likable.

I can't stand not having the normal distractions from my computer. I have way too much time to think, and I don't have contact with the news I used to read on the net, so there's not as much for my mind to mull over. I find that I'm watching more news on tv, but the local news is all about the same stuff and it's mostly fluff. Maybe I should ask Christiana to use her computer more often, but I wouldn't have access to my bookmarks (and of course I can't ask to use her computer all of the time).

Anyhow, tomorrow I think I will try to do some web surfing if Christiana is okay with it. I think I might try to walk for a while somewhere as well - I'm just keeping myself way too cooped up in my room, and I know that isn't doing anything to help my depression. Maybe I'll go to see Kathy at Friedle's Books and try to pick up some more reading materials for the summer. I never seem to remember to stop by her store when she's open and I'm out and about. Well, we'll see what develops as tomorrow comes around.

Posted Written at 12:12 AM

July 6, 2001

After spending most of the day reading again, I went out for dinner and conversation with Nathan. He was interesting to talk with, and it seems like a long time since we have spent time together without having Christiana along with us. Nathan is waiting to see if his application for admittance is accepted by the Approval Board here at the Arts Center so that he could move in and be closer to the many friends he has in the building. I can't deny that I've had a lot of depressing moments today, even while I was with Nathan, but the interaction with Nathan was indeed a help for dealing with things.

I also received the new copy of MacAddict magazine in the mail today. While I enjoyed reading through (as always), I was sort of depressed not to be able to play with the CD ... or even have a computer to try the tips and tricks on. Looking through the advertisements for new Powerbooks was depressing in the sense that: 1) I have to wait for who knows how long to get a new Powerbook, 2) I know that I'll have a lot of work ahead to set up the new computer even after it has finally arrived, and 3) I am really concerned that the insurance adjuster is going to try to screw me out of a fair settlement and try to give me far less than what I will need to replace my Powerbook.

In fact, I have heard nothing from the insurance adjuster, and that bothers me. Even with the holiday on Wednesday, I would have expected that a week would be sufficient to get a good start on my claim, particularly considering all of the legwork I did getting receipts and estimates for everything and also considering that the adjuster said she would try to process the claim quickly since I told her that I needed my computer for use on a daily basis. I guess I should chill out a bit, particularly considering the holiday was sure to have screwed up the work week, but I'm just impatient. I want to have the new computer to get set up and get used to well before classes begin. It would be different if I had something other than reading to keep me busy, like the potential new room, but there is nothing to do which will keep[ me both physically and mentally occupied like that.

I'm hoping the room will become available soon so that I can get to work on it and get me busy this way. Lee has spoken with the current renter, and she seems likely to leave but nothing is certain still. If the room opens up for me to rent, I expect that remodeling, scrubbing, and painting (not to mention moving stuff in) will take a week or two and keep my mind off of the computer. If the room would only come available soon (like early next week), I could get it set up and be occupied while I wait for the insurance settlement. With luck, I could get the settlement, order the computer, and wait only a week or so more after finishing reorganizing the rooms before the computer would arrive and need to be properly set up. But that all sounds way too idealistic, doesn't it? Well, a fella can dream ...

Posted Written at 10:31 PM

July 5, 2001

Christiana and I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse to watch Joné and her production company in their dinner theater murder mystery. The performance was fun, and we stayed afterward to eat dinner with Joné and some of the cast. The chat over dinner was actually even more fun than the show, and I enjoyed the chance to have people to talk to. Joné is proving to be great fun, but I find myself getting sad when she talks about the lasting sexual relationships she has with her steady three men (I know that I'm just jealous and lonely, but it makes me sad anyhow).

My depression has been really hitting me hard lately, and every guy that I see or every couple I hear about is just making me sad that I am by myself. I don't know how long this mood will last, but it's very hard to bear. It hurts even more than normal to be alone, and I am no closer to learning a way to deal with it than I have ever been. I wish I didn't have any feelings at all, because then I wouldn't be suffering like this.

Posted Written at 11:08 PM

July 4, 2001

I spent a large part of the day today helping Shannon set up her new bedroom set and listening to what's going on in her life. I left before 7 PM for the Arts Center, and came back to watch tv. That was my excitement for Independence Day. Woopee.

Posted Written at 11:01 PM

July 3, 2001

Today was a day of basic depression. Everywhere I turned, I not only had to do things I dislike doing, but I was constantly reminded of painful situations from my past that I would prefer not to have spent much time thinking about again. It has also seemed that I have had to support everyone around me even when I myself feel like I'm falling uncontrollably into a dark abyss. The likelihood of being alone tomorrow for yet another holiday has loomed largely as well, combining to make me feel empty and alone again. I wonder if I can ever be happy. Happiness just seems to move further and further from my reach with each passing day, and at some point it seems like I've passed too much of a distance to ever be able to grab hold.

I keep trying to believe ... I really do ... but it's so hard to keep hoping ... so hard ...

I just want to be happy or to be done. If I can't be happy, I don't want to endure any more. It just hurts. Too much pain. Too much emptiness. Too much longing. It's too much to bear, and I need it to end, for good or ill.

Posted Written at 11:11 PM

July 2, 2001

I started today with a few phone calls. The campus library and campus police had no news about my computer, and I have pretty much given up hope that they will find anything at this point. I then called the insurance adjuster. She was disappointing because she told me that my car stereo face would not be covered since it was part of the auto policy but not with the car when it was stolen, and she also was pretty goofy about how she discussed the various costs associated with my computer. I clearly get the idea that she's going to try to screw me out of money and thus out of a reasonable replacement computer, and that really bothers me. I'm going to try to be patient and wait to see what she puts together, but I am not simply going to roll over and accept some crappy offer. If I have to get a lawyer involved to make sure I get a reasonable settlement, I will. I need a decent computer, and since they won't cover the stereo and will cut me short the $250 deductible, I have to be sure that they don't fuck me over. Besides, I know that they'll be raising the costs for my policy because of this, so I might as well make it worth my while. The one good thing the adjuster told me, if she is to be believed, is that she intends to put things together quickly so that I can get a new computer ordered quickly. Maybe she will treat me fairly and I'm just paranoid about her trying to lowball me for the settlement, but I was just really bothered by her attitude and questions regarding the original costs and replacement costs of my computer.

In other potentially good news, Lee talked with the woman who is renting studio C-332 (the room I want so that I can consolidate my rooms into one hall on one floor of one wing of the building). The woman told Lee about two weeks ago that she may be giving up the room, and Lee is following up. The woman should come this week to pay her back-rent, show Lee the room, and hopefully move out the few things she has in the room. If all of that comes together, I could start cleaning and remodeling the room next week (or so) and have time to work on the room (and hopefully finish it) before I would get the new computer and have to set it up before school. Both projects together would definitely keep me busy for the rest of the summer (around reading and a few small projects), but I would roll into fall semester set up somewhat better for finances, for comfort in living space, for computer power, and for simplicity and organization of all of my stuff.

I spent a lot of time today cleaning my car inside and out. It has been quite a while since I've done this, but it was pleasant outside today, and I've wanted to spruce the car up. The various dents and scrapes and other damage that has befallen my car have discouraged me from spending the time to clean it up, but the effort was worthwhile even when I look at the various damage. The car looks and feels much better. Of course it's supposed to rain all of the rest of the week and the cleaning job will be hardly as noticeable, but it still makes a difference. I have noticed that one of my tired seems to have a slow leak. I tried to get it repaired today, but they couldn't fit me in. They assured me I'd be okay tomorrow if I got in early, so I'll have to get a prompt start. I also happened to find a screw embedded in the tire, so I now know what needs to be fixed. With that, hopefully, I will be done with spending money on the car for a while.

So I guess things are coming together a bit. It's a start. I still miss the constant use of the computer, but maybe it's for the best. There seem to be a lot of things to be done outside of the computer, and maybe not having it as a distraction will be beneficial in its own way.

Posted Written at 10:50 PM

July 1, 2001

Hurrah, another fucking month.

I finished reading A Wrinkle in Time, read all of the follow-up novel A Wind in the Door, and have read about a fifth of the next follow-up novel, A Swiftly Tilting Planet. All of this reading was at a fairly leisurely pace, and I probably could have finished this third book and gotten well into the next if I had been so inclined. To some extent, however, I have been getting bored with reading. I'm used to reading off and on around doing other things such as surfing the net, sending e.mails, playing games on the computer, or engaging in some other distraction on my computer.

Tomorrow marks a week since the theft. That's how I have to think of it now. Sure, I'll call the library and campus police, but I have no hope at this point that they'll have found anything. I'll also call the insurance adjuster and get the claim rolling along. Even with the possibility that the adjuster will make things happen quickly, I still know that it will be a while before I get a new computer. I'm dreading the possibility that I'll get the new computer just before school starts again and have little time to get everything properly installed, updated, and cleaned up. Not only will I have to do a normal reinstall as I've done with reformatting, but I'll have to do it all within the new Mac OS X operating system and on a new hardware configuration. That could be problematic enough, but I'll also have to update all of the files since the last backup (which I think was March). That means that for files like my financial records on Quicken, I'll have to reenter all of the transactions that I've had since the last update to my file. That will be quite a pain in the ass, but it has to be done.

My biggest fear is that this possibility of getting the room I want in C-wing will come together but not until some time in August. That would mean I would have to repair and remodel that room, move all of my belongings, fix up the old room and move stuff, and do all of the work to the computer that I mentioned earlier, all within about three weeks to be ready before school. Put simply, that would be pretty much impossible. I don't want to miss the chance to get that room, and I have to spend the time setting up the new computer, but I don't want to be working on those things once school starts because I don't want to get even the slightest bit behind. I guess I'm just paranoid, but I want these things to just have a simple resolution and not be yet another complicated problem to have to work through. Time will tell.

Posted Written at 11:37 PM