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December 2002

 

December 31, 2002

... Hippetty happetty, New Year's on its way ...

So 2002 is now only a memory. It was an up and down year in many ways, and as much as things have sucked in a vast number of ways, I have been incredibly rewarded with some very good things - notably, some very good, incredible new friends.

Just tonight, only a few minutes after the ball dropped in Times Square and the Walleye dropped in Port Clinton, Ohio (-I kid you not-), Chris called me to wish me a happy new year. Chris will be coming back to Bowling Green sometime tomorrow and will be working in Toledo for the remaining two weeks before school, putting in time at the same professional glass blowing studio he worked at over the summer. During that time, I am hoping that he and I will be able to spend some quality time together, and he seems to feel the same way. I really like Chris and am tremendously impressed with his artistic skill, his intelligence, and his kindness, and I often feel that I'm missing out on really building our friendship since we only seem to have time together when the whole group has been assembled (on Thursdays or for a party or something). So I'm thinking that maybe we'll have a chance to hang out together a little bit in the next couple of weeks.

I also have tentative plans to get together with Sarah and Eric tomorrow for lunch. Sarah will be heading back to grad school in Washington, D.C. soon, and I can't wait to see her again, even if only for a short whi9le over a meal. I miss Sarah a lot, and she is always spread very thin during her return visits between time with her boyfriend (Eric), her family (in Lima), and her various friends. So I'm pleased as can be that we'll see each other tomorrow.

Then Drake will be visiting over the weekend, and I look forward to that immeasurably. I am incredibly hyped to have extended time to talk with Drake and show him around Toledo, and he can't get here soon enough as far as I'm concerned.

And to top it all off, Christiana is back in town and staying here at the Arts Center, so we have (and will be) spending a lot of time together over the coming months. I've missed having Christiana around, and we can share our strange, cynical, irreverent views with each other whenever we want. Tonight was rather subdued for she and I since she had spent most of the day moving a arranging things in her new room (with a fair amount of help from me in various ways), but we still had the chance to ring in the new year together and po0ke fun at Dick Clark (as well as at the aforementioned "Wiley the Walleye", the 27' walleye fish that descends down a huge fishing reel in a countdown to the new year).

I have other friends, most of whom are out of town and that I haven't seen for a while, as well as a few other friends who are in town but I see rarely, but these new friends and the regular things that we do together have honestly made life livable this past year. I'm not overdramatizing the value of these new friends at all, and I find myself looking at this coming new year with a sense of hope that I haven't had for three or four years.

There are still a lot of things that I want out of life to truly be happy, but the friendships that have come to me are beyond value and give me more happiness than I thought I'd be able to feel ever again. So it is indeed, a good year overall.

I hope that the past year has in many ways been good to all of my readers as well. I wish all of you the very best of times in the new year we are entering, and I hope that every one of you has a rewarding, fruitful, and happy year in 2003. I know that I don't say it very much at all, but I heartily thank all of you for reading my Journal, my poems, and my stories, and I thank you for continuing to come back to see what's going on. Happy New Year to all!

Posted at 1:18 AM

December 30, 2002

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Yes, it's definitely a plane ...

Christiana flew back into Toledo today after having been gone for just over a year. Her mother and I waited for her at the airport and then took her to a very yummy lunch at Don Pablos. Strangely enough, Christiana's big food craving is for Taco Bell since there were none available in Europe (and don't ask me why this was what she would crave specifically, but that's it). So we went with the Mexican-style of food - just with quality rather than speed (Taco Bell falls far short of Don Pablos).

It was great to see my old friend after such a long absence, and she looks good. She was quite exhausted, though, after having woken up at 4 AM and having been on a plane for nearly four hours. So after lunch I brought her back to the Arts Center to drop off her luggage and get her the keys for her new room. We poked around in her storage room for a while, but we left after only a very short time and I drove her to her mother's house, where she'll stay for the next few days as she gets settled, rested, and arranges her new room for occupancy.

Between Annie's (Christiana's mom's) domination of the conversation during lunch and Christiana being tired, I didn't get a tremendous amount of conversation out of Christiana, but she did have a number of interesting things to say about her trip back as well as the last few days of her stay.

It was all sort of anticlimactic to drop her off at her mom's place before we'd even spent four hours together. I don't know what I was expecting, really. I should have expected that she'd be tired and that we'd have limited time to talk for a while until she's more settled in, but I was just so excited about having her around again that I just let that overshadow everything else. But I'm patient.

It's good to have my friend back in town.

Posted at 11:59 PM

December 29, 2002

There was a meet-and-greet party today in the formal parlors of the Gerber House (a historic Victorian house that is a part of the Arts Center complex). It was originally supposed to be a welcoming and mingling party for Tom Brooks, the new Executive Director of the Arts Center, to meet the residents. By the time it actually came about today, Tom had reshaped it into a holiday party for the residents rather than leave the focus upon himself.

It was quite a nice party. The parlors themselves are quite impressive; but there was also a small tended bar; a buffet with beef tenderloin, Swedish meatballs, sausage, chicken wings, dips, sauces, vegetables, chips, crackers, cheese, cookies, ... (you get the picture). There was also a jazz trio (upright bass, keyboard, and drums) with an on-and-off singer. All of the members in the group were young, being students at the Toledo School of the Arts, a charter school that was Tom's last project (he put it together from the ground up and is still actively involved even though he is now focusing on his tasks as Executive Director here at the Arts Center. Everything was great: the music, the food (what I had of it, since I don't eat red meat), and the conversation.

I spent a fair amount of time talking with Lee, my friend on the Board of Directors for the Arts Center. Lee arranged all of the buffet, and she was in her element for the whole evening as she simply loves parties. She was fun to talk to, being very much more relaxed than I sometimes find her when I chat with her in the main office. I also spoke with Tom and a number of fellow residents.

Sadly, though, the turnout was somewhat small. There were only probably about two dozen people who showed up (some of whom only stayed very briefly), and there are many more tenants than that in the building. In fact, there were many people in various rooms that I passed in the evening as I went back to my rooms, none of whom attended the party. Certainly there was no obligation on their part, but hey - it was free food, free drinks, good music, and comfortable conversation. I think they just missed out.

The whole thing went for about five hours, from 3 PM 'til after 8 PM, and I was there for most of it. The time passed quite quickly, in fact, and it was enjoyable. I don't have very many parties to attend anymore so this was great. Hopefully there will be more events like this in the future; I see this sort of thing pulling people together more and making people learn about each other and like each other more. The Arts Center could stand to have more connection between the artists and more of a sense of community, and these types of get-togethers are a key part of giving people the opportunity to get to know each other.

And the quality, free food doesn't hurt either ...

Posted at 12:37 AM

December 28, 2002

Well, my delayed plans that fell through yesterday became further delayed. I had been looking forward to a visit from Drake, the writer of various stories that I mention from time to time. We have both been talking by e.mail and phone for months and developing a great friendship, and we were looking forward to finally meeting face to face this weekend. BUT FATE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND <play ominous music in the background>.

Seriously though, Drake and I had planned to get together, but Drake came down with a bad case of the flu late Thursday night, and he was pretty miserable all day yesterday and only started feeling even somewhat human today. We had originally, when Drake first called to tell me he was quite sickly, planned to still meet this weekend with the hopes that it was simply the 24-hour flu. No such luck. Although Drake is feeling somewhat better and can now retain food (to some extent), he still simply wasn't up to a trip (and how fun would that have been for either of us if he was achy, tired, and leaking from every orifice?) So we made new plans and just considered this weekend a bust.

That meant that I had all day today (and tomorrow) to do - something - else. I have some ideas for tomorrow which depend upon how motivated I end up being, but today I just wanted to relax. I also wanted to be occupied because I've been somewhat disturbed by the latest chapter in Drake's latest online story, and it keeps coming back to me in my mind, haunting me with the similarities to similar upsetting incidents in my own life. So I decided to play a new game of Civilization III since that's fun and keeps me very occupied (in fact, my usual problem is that I can't get myself torn away from the damn thing (it's that curse of thinking "oh, I'll just do one more turn and then quit ... well, maybe just one more turn ... well, one more turn after this round ..."). After all, what's more fun than raising a civilization from infancy to world dominance?

Just to make things interesting, I decided to play as France (I figure that France, while always having great potential, invariably fails to succeed as a major power in politics, military might, science, colonization, ... well, they just never really come out on top. So I decided to try my own hand at things. So far (I stopped at about 400 AD), I'm doing pretty well. I've conquered and settled a whole continent and started some serious world exploration. There's more to come later.

I cut out at 8 PM, though, to watch an old favorite on TV, the late-197-s Burt Reynolds movie Hooper. I watched, had some dinner, surfed the net a bit, and even got a call from Roy, who was feeling much better by that time. We spoke for about an hour and a half about the most disconnected things in this bizarre conversation that moved from one topic to another with strange juxtapositions and redirections. It was actually quite enjoyable and interesting, but it was very disjoint. That's okay, though. It was certainly more intellectually stimulating than watching tv or surfing the net (or playing Civilization).

So that was my day. Far from what I had expected, which was to be meeting Drake, eating out, going to the Art Museum or a movie (or both), and having one conversation after another. Sure, I would rather have had the day I had originally planned, but this was good, too. My only complaint is the lack of human companionship, but that's getting to be a pretty regular part of my life, so ...

I'm looking forward to seeing Drake soon, though. By the time he comes to Toledo, he'll be healthy and hearty and ready for a fun visit. And I'm sure that will have been worth the wait for both of us.

Posted at 12:15 AM

December 27, 2002

Certain plans fell through today, so I found myself actually looking for something to do (since I had planned to be out and about). Strangely enough that left me uncertain as to what to do. Sure, I have a couple of books that I've really wanted to read (reading for pleasure simply has no comparison to reading a book for classes, even if its a book you like). I also wanted to revise a story I had written (something that I've been putting off for far too long). I could have made some phone calls or made some lengthy e.mails, too. In fact I even considered starting a new game of Civilization III since I enjoy it so much.

The problem is that all of those things would take a couple days (or more, in some cases) to complete, and I only had the late afternoon and evening since there's a good chance that I'll be able to make good on my original plans during the day tomorrow (but that depends on a lot of things, so that's all left to be seen). Anyhow, I decided to play Spaceward Ho! 5. This is a game made exclusively for the Mac where you conquer the universe world by world with spaceships that you develop (by researching technology, mining for metals, and making money to pay for construction (and metal and money come from new planets, essentially, so it's all needed in sort of a continuous loop of give and take).

I used to play Spaceward Ho! years ago with Simon around. Back then it was just version 3, but I got hooked with the amusing graphics and attitudes within the game, as well as the challenge of it all. And version 5 is now updated and new with certain changes but mostly the same. The big difference now is that it is made specifically for the new OS, so it supplants older versions which had to be run on OS 9.

It was fun. I creamed the computer opponents in the two games I played, although it was indeed a challenge (and I had my concerns at a few points that I was going to see the tables turn on me). It was a nice change of pace and a little trip down memory lane, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that when the memories are good. I don't have enough of these happier reminiscences, so I'll gladly take times like this whenever I can get them.

Posted at 2:10 AM

December 26, 2002

WARNING! Do not eat the yellow snow!

Posted at 11:16 PM

December 25, 2002

It has been a somewhat bizarre but very fulfilling day, and I am very content. Normally at this time of year I would be quite depressed and lonely, but instead I am very at peace. Normally, the crass commercialization of the holiday would destroy the concepts of "peace on earth and goodwill to men" for me ... but not this year.

As usual, my family made no attempt to call me, even though they had promised that they would, and normally that would upset me ... but not this year. This year, I had calls and best wishes from my friends (Chris, Heather, and Sarah, all calling from their family homes), and I made calls to other friends (Christiana, who is now in Dallas with her grandmother, and Steve, who continues to prove his loyalty and good-heartedness as a friend here in Toledo). That sort of close, caring friendship is the best gift I could ever receive.

On a slightly different note, though, I had one of my best laugh-out-loud moments today when reading the special Christmas Page on Gabe's Lonely Ocean site. Here is what it said (I hope you all get a great laugh out of it, too):


This is the Christmas Page . . . .

[Meaningless Happy Cheerful Content About A Shamelessly Exploited Holiday Based Around a Jolly Red Man Who Was Most Likely Created By Coca-Cola. A Company That Used To Include Cocaine In Their Product To Keep Their Customers Coming Back For More.]

Enjoy.

Posted at 12:30 AM

December 24, 2002

'Tis the season to be snowed in, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la ...

So here I was reading at 11 PM, thinking that I had had a nice, relaxing day, and the phone rings. Lo and behold, it's Steve, who I had been trying to reach by phone earlier in the day to no avail. We had hoped to get together for conversation over coffee, but I had also been inquiring after certain furniture Steve might have to help set up Christiana's new studio when she returns next week. Due to time constraints, Steve hoped I could come over yet this evening and even though it was snowing, I had nothing better to do so I went.

Well we didn't end up bringing back anything for Christiana, deciding to wait until the snow wasn't coming down so bad or at least the roads were cleared better. But we looked through things and chatted for a while. And then I left.

The streets had been completely untouched by any road crews, and there was at least two inches of packing snow everywhere. It compacted into nice, slick globs under your wheels, and the drive back here to the Arts Center was all sorts of fun. It's a good thing we didn't try to move things, believe me.

And it's still snowing. This had been predicted to be maybe an inch of snow, and it's already clearly much more. That's not all together a bad thing, now that I'm safely off the roads and inside.

It looks like there'll be a white Christmas after all.

Posted at 2:23 AM

December 23, 2002

Ow!

I sliced open the end of my finger on a can as I was fixing dinner. It's not a huge cut or even a deep one, but it just bled and bled and bled. It was quite amazing. Have you ever noticed that it's nearly impossible to get a Band-Aid to cover a cut at the very end of your finger without falling off because it's on a weird angle? Of course you haven't.

My whole environment here has been getting quite dry, and I only got my humidifier out today, and the dry air has been making my skin really tender and thin. My lips are ready to crack every time my mouth moves; my fingernails have no tensile strength and crack if I touch anything; and my skin (particularly on my fingertips) has been seriously dry and even thin. So the cut was almost waiting to happen. It gets like this every year around here as the humidity drops and the winter air sucks all moisture out of everything. Usually I would have been running a humidifier for weeks by now, but my older unit wouldn't run this year and I had to buy a new one (which I only got around to today). So hopefully this will make things better so that I won't be cracking and cutting myself so easily.

But at least now I have a reason to show someone my middle finger on my left hand and be able to get away with it without a reason.

Posted at 11:24 PM

December 22, 2002

Oh goodie.

I started updating the website late this afternoon and I've just now, after 4 A.M., gotten things all revised and working right (although I still have to write this Journal and upload the revisions of everything).

Most of the changes were simple but time-consuming, but the big nightmare was the Message Board. Whether any of you realized it or not, I made a major change in the Message Board when I rolled out the whole version 2 set of the website. The older board with VoyForums just had some ugly limitations, and it worked out that I could get the better features that I wanted through a beta set-up that VoyForums was running parallel to their regular stuff. So I set that up, used the beta URL on all of my navigation tools, and kept track of the new broad for updates so that I could post my own comments now and again. I was surprised that only the Thursday-night group was using the new board, but I didn't think much about it. I also noted certain access problems at various times where my direct URL to my beta forum would go to Voy's main page, but trying the link on my website again right after that would lead directly to my beta site. Go figure. Well as luck would have it, a bunch of readers (well, maybe not a bunch, but some readers) started posting to my old Message Board (including Drake, notably), and probably wondering why the fuck I didn't ever post a reply, even after months of time had passed.

Well guess what I figured out today as I was going through a lot of corrections to problems that I knew existed in the Message Board (the beta version, not the original)? I stumbled across my old version and saw the new posts and slowly realized what had happened. It's even funnier, though. A few different online authors (including Drake, the Eggman, and CRVBoy) have added links on their own message boards to my Message Board - the old one! So with all of this in mind, I decided the only way to do things was to make serious changes to the old site in an effort to get it to be more acceptable to the appearance and functionality I had gained from the beta version while taking advantage of the people who have linked to or posted on my older (original) Message Board.

And damn, it took about forever. But it's done. Now post to the thing, damn it! I'd hate to think that this was all for nothing.

Posted at 4:10 AM

December 21, 2002

My mother and grandmother visited today, spending a few hours with me before they head off for another week at my sister's for Christmas. We shared gifts, looked at some pictures of my niece's birthday party, went out for lunch, and chatted about the family and about the sad state of affairs in politics in this country. It was actually a decent visit (which is certainly not the norm), and I felt almost comfortable with them this time.

I also spoke with Drake today. We played a bit of phone tag but eventually got connected and proceeded to talk for nearly four hours about all manner of things. It's amazing how easily Drake and I get along and how similar our opinions and interests tend to be. We also have the same bizarre sense of humor, it seems, and we have found a very natural rapport in a very short time.What other conversation would cross the topics of politics, hockey, following directions in a car, reminiscing about old boyfriends, mourning best friends who have been deceased for some time, discussing food and movies, talking about fine art and Adam Sandler, considering the merits of Beat writers, laughing about stories of drunk people, comparing religious and social beliefs, contemplating the meaning of life and the pursuit of the meaning of life, throwing in the wisdom of Monte Python, examining our personal motivations and subconscious responses, and discussing the poor driving skills of Michigan drivers ... among other thing?. Talking with Drake was just a great deal of fun. He's a gas.

Posted at 12:37 AM

December 20, 2002

I have been tired most of the day, having only gotten to sleep around 6 A.M. and getting up at 10 A.M. since I had to go down to Bowling Green to pick up my final portfolio for my editing class. I had hoped to do more things than I did today, but I've been moving pretty slowly so things have just sort of slipped by me.

Regardless of my lethargy, however, a few good things happened today. First was getting my editing portfolio. I received a 200/200 points for that final project, and that left me with a very solid 'A' for that course (that makes two 'A's and two classes unknown for the moment, and that's enough to keep me pretty happy for the most part). I also had a long phone conversation (almost an hour) with my sister. I don't hear from my sister very often and usually only for extremely short talks the few times we chat, so this was a really nice change from the norm. I love my sister, but our relationship has always been pretty distant, so these moments when we really connect, even if it's just by phone, are really great.

Mostly the day just sort of passed me by, honestly, but it was good even so. See - I don't really ask for that much ...

Posted at 11:37 PM

 

December 19, 2002

It was a special Thursday night get-together and a great way to roll into winter break. With most of us having completed the last of our obligations for the fall semester, we got together at Chris and Heather's tonight rather than Big Boy and shared our cheer, conversation, and even some small gifts. It was just me, Chris, Heather, Eric, and Laura, but we seem to be the core of the group now, so we mesh well together. We chatted for a while about the last aspects of classes, plans for the coming days and months, and the cat (who got all sorts of attention once she got over her shyness at having so many guests in her home).

Chris had all sorts of new glasswork and pottery around the apartment for us to appreciate - stuff that he had created in his classes this semester - and he has some simply fabulous stuff. He is just simply damn talented, and there's no doubt about it. Some of our conversation was about Chris' works and some was about the papers he and the rest of us had concluded during the week. Strangely we didn't really discuss politics or news items today, but it would probably have been out of place since this was more of a wind-down from classes and a moment to relax before heading out of BG, some to hometowns and others of us just to do a lot of tasks at the Arts Center.

For dinner we took a gamble and tried the new sandwich shop in town, W.G.Grinders. Chris, Heather and I each had the 'White Pizza Grinder' and it was damn tasty. It was a nice change from Big Boy. Laura had some funky, nasty soup (which we all tried as she insisted "Ugh! This stuff tastes like burnt charcoal. Try this!" ... and of course we all did. Eric had made brownies, I had brought various snacks, and Chris made some tea (and Heather some hot cocoa), so we were good for munching (Eric's brownies were exceptionally good, by the way).

Towards probably about midnight we exchanged gifts, and we all were quite pleased with what the we got from each other. Laura gave me a cool holiday mug full of sugary-goodness (mostly in the form of chocolate); Eric gave me a copy of Michael Moore's Stupid White Men; and Heather and Chris gave me three gifts: a small book of notable brainless quotes by George W. Bush, a Bonsai tree kit (I shit you not - it really is a kit to grow and trim a Bonsai tree), and one of the ceramic bowls that Chris made this semester that is simply beautiful (the glaze he used on the inside surface almost looks like a polished metallic substance, and it is very, very cool). These are all really wonderful gifts, and they are each actually very thoughtful (Laura realized that you can never go wrong with sugar; Eric remembered a conversation I had with him where I told him how much I respected and appreciated Michael Moore; and Chris and Heather paid tribute to my daily satirical views of Emperor Bush, my green thumb, and my appreciation for good art. It was a super pre-Christmas gifting.

After we exchanged gifts we talked for a while more, but Eric and then Laura eventually left to finish revising final papers due tomorrow. I stayed for a while (perhaps overstaying my welcome, in fact, because it was nearly 4 A.M. when I left, but I hadn't really realized the time and we had been chatty and involved all of that time). Heather and I critiqued Chris' paper that is due in the morning, and we discussed a few other issues. I also ended up playing quite a bit with the cat (who just got more and more energetic as the evening progressed).

All told it was a nearly perfect evening. Good friends, good food, good conversation, and good times. How could I possibly go wrong with that?

Posted at 5:23 AM

December 18, 2002

Free at last; free at last; the last paper is done, and I'm free at last.

Poor Martin Luther King is probably rolling over in his grave at that horrible maligning of his great words, but what can I say? I'm finally done with this semester, and it didn't come a moment too soon.

I spent a fair amount of time revising my Beat Lit paper before finally turning the damn thing in. I'm still not happy with it, but it's just a matter of being a weak thesis from the beginning. The writing itself isn't bad, but it just wasn't a very strong paper from the start. That was my big problem with this class all semester; I just never got inspired or intrigued with what we were discussing. In fact, I was disappointed in a number of cases. It wasn't one of Phil's better classes, and he even said so himself on the last day of classes that he wasn't satisfied with how it turned out. It wasn't horrible or anything, but I've gotten very used to all of Phil's classes being incredible, inspiring, and thought-provoking, both in and out of class, and Beat Lit just never matched up to his exceptional standards. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll have a chance to still take another class with Phil before I graduate, but it doesn't seem likely: he doesn't teach any of the few classes I still need, and he's actively looking for a better teaching position (which would take him away from BGSU).

After turning in that final paper and doing a few last errands on campus, I stopped by to visit Chris at his apartment before heading out. I only stayed for a few minutes since he had one last paper to finish (and I had interrupted him), but it helped me out a lot to chat with him, brief as it was. I've been swaying on the emotional roller coaster a bit the last few days, and with the last paper turned in I could feel myself getting depressed since my mind no longer had anything else that would distract it. Visiting Chris just made me feel better, and I've been in a pretty decent mood all day since. Isn't that a great thing?

I did all sorts of grocery shopping and errands and stuff, trying to catch up on all of the things I've been putting off for the last couple of months, but once I finally got settled in and checking e.mails and such, I found an e.mail from my history prof that my grades were ready online. So, being somewhat curious, I pulled things up and got the shock of the week. I got a 51 out of 50! Now keep in mind that just two days ago I was fretting because I knew I had gotten two questions wrong and was uncertain of a few others. It wasn't a big worry since I only needed a 58% score or better to still get an 'A', but I'm a freak about doing well - what can I say? Well anyhow, I checked again with those two questions I thought I had wrong and apparently I was right in the first place - I was mistaken when I thought I had confused the event in those two questions with another event. So I had those two right and I knew that I had three of the four extra credit questions right, so that must mean that I only missed one 2-pt question (all of the questions were two points). What a shock! (But I'm not complaining).

I should also make mention, even if only briefly, that Drake has simply been wonderful during the past week and a half. Every day or two he has sent me a brief e.mail of encouragement to get me through my freaking out about finals. They're just one or two line messages, but the sentiment gave me a lift as I made my way through all of this. So a public thanks goes out to Drake. He's pretty awesome.

Posted at 11:16 PM

December 17, 2002

One more damn project done, one left to go.

I turned in my portfolio today along with a brief presentation. I hate presentations in class which is strange considering I really loved presentations and public exposure even as little as five years ago, but I can't stand it now; it just freaks me out and I become completely anxious, nervous, and brain-dead. It's not pretty. Somehow or another I made it through today's endeavor, and fortunately I don't have to do that sort of thing again for a while.

That leaves my Beat Lit paper to be turned in tomorrow. It's all written and somewhat revised. It sucks, but it's mostly done. If I were smart, I'd write an entirely new paper because this one really is quite horrible, but I'm just too sick of schoolwork right now to care enough, even though this paper is 40% of my grade. I'll put more time in tomorrow to revise it some more before I turn it in, but it can't really be fixed too much without just starting over, so only so much can be done.

At least it will be over soon.

Posted at 12:16 AM

December 16, 2002

Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn.

Okay; so maybe I'm over-reacting here, but I know for a fact that I got two questions on this history exam completely wrong. I confused one event with another, and that cost me. I'm also somewhat uncertain about a couple of other questions. Amusingly, I know for sure that I got three out of the four extra credit questions right, yet I don't know for sure about a number of real questions on the exam. Real smart, huh?

Anyhow, that exam is over, for better or worse. It's still bothering me that I was so stupid about those two that I absolutely know that I got wrong because I knew better than that but I still fucked up. Oh well - it's over now.

On the bright side, I got up early enough today that I was able to get most of my Beat Lit paper written before studying for the history stuff. Sure, in hindsight studying for the history stuff longer might have been for the better, but I sort of doubt it; I was just dumb about what materials I was studying, not how much I was studying them. But like I say, the bright side is that the Beat Lit paper is well on its way. That means that I'm on track to get everything done in time for these last two upcoming projects. There's still a lot to be done on this Beat Lit paper to make it decent, but hopefully that will come together in this remaining time. The important thing is that it will be done (do I have a bad attitude or what?).

Posted at 11:30 PM

December 15, 2002

Funniest. Simpsons. Ever.

Well, maybe not ever, but it was the funniest new episode I've seen in a while. I got a few good laughs from the show, and believe me - I needed a few good laughs today.

I still have a lot of work to do for my last endeavors for my classes, and I haven't been as productive over the weekend as I needed to be. The next three days will be a crunch of writing, studying, and trying not to freak out. Joy oh joy.

At least it'll be over soon.

Posted at 11:50 PM

December 14, 2002

Am I just stupid or does anyone else not understand why the world is such a cold, cruel, unfair place where people don't even have the sense to hold on to love when they have it?

I just don't get it, and it's really bothering me.

Posted at 12:31 AM

December 13, 2002

My Modern Poetry paper came together pretty well, and that is fortunately now out of the way. I also have the satisfaction of having finished my last day of classes today. Now I just have three remaining projects due Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then I'm finally done.

In the meantime I have been able to relax to a small extent tonight around catching up on a few tasks around the studios that I've been putting off. Ironically I'm actually quite stiff and tired now after what has taken hardly any energy from me at all - I think it's just the stress and exertion of the day catching up to me as I let myself relax. That's not exactly a bad thing, I suppose, but I'm getting tired of being tired. Sleeping late is high on my list of priorities for the first few days following my last day of exam week.

For now, though, I need to just persevere through one more paper (long and ugly though it will be), one more exam (long and demanding thought it is sure to be), and the presentation of my editing portfolio (which is actually done and simply waiting for the final due date and the required fanfare). If only it would be done as easily as it was to write that ...

Posted at 11.08 PM

December 12, 2002

It's late. I should be tired, but I'm not (although I'll wager that I'll fall asleep pretty quickly once my head actual;ly touches the pillow).

I got up early today and spent many hours in front of the computer putting together my Modern Poetry paper (which is due tomorrow). I have eleven pages with quotes and paraphrases from eleven different sources. It needs some serious revisions and tweaking, but it's all there: decent thesis, logical progression of ideas, good transitions, and an okay conclusion. I even take on a few critics that I think are full of it (which is one of my favorite things to do in critical papers like this). I'll have time to do some revisions tomorrow before turning it in, so it will be okay. It would be better if I could revise it longer, but oh well - Life goes on.

I also spent the time to get some tabs and stuff copied at Kinko's (where I had to talk the co-worker through how to run tabs on the copier since she'd never run tabs before (and isn't it sad that I, who left Kinko's five years ago, could walk her through everything from memory without even being within fifty feet of the copier?)). Those copies, along with a little assembly work while at Bog Boy, pretty much finished up the assembly and composition of my editing portfolio, and I'll have some time in class to tweak it a bit more still (although it's not technically due until Tuesday).

So after those things and after the fiction reading (by Philana Marie Boles, who didn't really impress me even though she is a published, recognized author), I went to Big Boy for our get-together. It was just me, Heather, Chris, Eric, Laura, and Christina (although Beth wandered in and out throughout the night), and we had a great time chatting and playing around tonight. I think we all really needed to just let off steam and laugh a bit as a break from the serious pressure we've been putting ourselves under, and it was all very rewarding to me. I had entered Big Boy somewhat depressed, but I was incredibly happy while I was there and the happiness has lasted for a while now.

The whole night was really wonderful, but the highlight for me was when we were in the parking lot heading off to our cars. Chris gave me a hug and told me he hoped I was staying upbeat because he knew how hard it could be in this time before Christmas and how easy it is to get depressed. The hug itself would have made me feel great, but Chris' concern and well-wishing gave me a really warm feeling.

I am so lucky to have friends like these.

Posted at 1:29 AM

December 11, 2002

Ugh.

Well,today was the last classroom time for two of my courses. I still have class for two courses on Friday, and I have one major thing due for each of the four classes: a multi-source critical paper due Friday, a fairly demanding history final held Monday, my 100+-page editing portfolio (and presentation of that portfolio) due Tuesday, and a long multi-multi-source paper due Wednesday for Beat Lit. And none of those are done yet!

Fortunately, I am almost done with the portfolio, and I should be able to have it completely composed and assembled by tomorrow night. I have a solid concept, clear outline, shaky thesis, and some quotable source material for the Modern Poetry paper due Friday, but I have some serious assembly and writing to do, and I only pretty much have tomorrow to pull it all together <ACK!!> The history final will be challenging (and the study sheet of events and issues is quite lengthy), but I have done so well in the class so far that I only need better than 58% on the final to maintain an 'A' (although being the anal retentive, neurotic, paranoid overachiever that I am, I will still study as if my life depended on it). And the Beat Lit paper will simply be horrible; it will be rushed, stressful, and probably not be all it could and should be. I have a solid outline and thesis for the Beat Lit paper, and I already have a few arguments put together as well as some quoted sources, but I have to pull a lot more together in what will be fairly little time around studying for the history final.

By this time a week from now I'll be done or I'll be fucked (and not in the enjoyable way). Either way, I'll be a zombie next Wednesday, and I'll be more that ready for a few weeks off. I'd like to say that it can't come too soon, but unfortunately it can - I don't feel like I have enough time for all of the stuff that's still due. I'll struggle to get everything done, as always, but it's going to be a tiring week to be sure.

As a side note, I apologize to the few close friends and readers who have e.mailed me in the last few weeks and haven't gotten a reply. It's coming, but not until classes are over; things have just been too frenzied to sit down and compose a reply of any real length. The same problem has plagued me regarding this website, and while I know that certain links have changed, failed, or weirded out, I haven't had time to fix them. Soon I'll rectify that as well, but not probably for a week and a half or so. The website update (along with a whole list of other things that I've been putting off for weeks or months) will get done once classes are over and I have the time to apply myself to other tasks. Thanks to everyone for their patience with slow e.mail replies and faulty parts of the site.

Damn ... I wish I didn't have to write these two papers ...

Posted at 10:15 PM

December 10, 2002

Damn emotions! All they do is cause me problems ...

Posted at 7:37 PM

 

December 9, 2002

<zzzzzzzzzzz>
... mmmm ... tired ...
<zzzzzzzzzz-ugh-mmrphmph-uh-ahhh-zzzzzzzzz>

Okay, so I fell asleep on the couch reading after a long day of classes. What can I say? I'm really fuckin' tired. I also now have a sore neck, and I'm going to move directly to bed as soon as I save this.

Sleep well, all.

Posted at 1:42 AM

December 8, 2002

I could bore you some more with how I spent the whole day finishing reading Confederates in the Attic and only otherwise was able to spend time working with Heather to make a handout for our Beat Lit. presentation/lead-the-class-for-an-hour-and-a-half deal. But I won't (Ha!).

Instead, I'll share this amusing little story that should be appreciated by all of you who surf the net or receive e.mail. I saw it posted a few days ago at Wil Wheaton's website, but it was originally posted on boinboing. Have a read:

Spam-king drowning in snailmail spam

A spammer whose gleeful interview -- where he revelled in the money pouring in from spamming -- was Slashdotted is now drowning in catalogs and other junkmail. Slashdotters have submitted his name to every direct marketer on earth.

"They've signed me up for every advertising campaign and mailing list there is," he told me. "These people are out of their minds. They're harassing me..."

"Several tons of snail mail spam every day might just annoy him as much as his spam annoys me," wrote one of the anti-spammers.

Posted at 11:53 PM

December 7, 2002

<Yawn>
Well ... I've been reading this book, Confederates in the Attic, for most of the day. It's actually quite interesting and amusing (while at times upsetting for its frank depictions of the ugliness of ignorance and bigotry in America), and I'm only about half way through. I had hoped to make better progress, but it will only read so fast. I am quite pleased to say that this is quite a worthwhile read, unlike some of my required readings which are quite convoluted and unmemorable, but the longer it takes to read this book means the less time I have to work on my Final Project for Beat Lit., which I had hoped would be well underway by the end of the weekend. Oh well - my expectations are dashed again and schoolwork is pushed back to a more tight schedule; you'd think I would think of this as the normal routine by now, but I continue to find myself working hard nearly every minute of the week to keep up. What the heck is it about this semester that makes everything so much more involved and complicated? I don't know.

I do know that I'm tired once again. I want to finish a few more pages in the book to close the chapter I'm reading, and then it's off to sleep again.
<Mmmmm ... sleep>

Posted at 12:19 AM

December 6, 2002

It has been a crazy busy day, but I have managed to get the Final Portfolio for my editing class very close to completion, I have finalized my topics and theses for my final paper for my Modern Poetry class and my final project for my Beat Literature class. I even picked up a couple more books to fill in some gaps I had in my source materials for those two papers. And with the work last night and a bit more this weekend I will have everything all set for leading the Beat Lit class on Monday. All that leaves is a final exam in my Early American History class, and while that will be a lot of studying, I expect to be able to do quite well on that.

That leaves me with my work for this weekend. I have to read Tony Horowitz'z Confederates in the Attic and I have to get the final Beat Lit project just about done - a lot to do but something in the realm of possibility.

Am I excited? Well ... sort of. I dread all of it in a way, but I'm seeing the end in sight, so that makes me nearly giddy (see - I can get excited about little things ... sometimes).

Right now I'm just really tired. I've been going non-stop to get all of this done today, and now I'm just about done and more than ready to drop into bed like a lump (not an attractive image, but I don't have anyone around to impress so I guess that isn't anything to be concerned about).

I am so anxious to have these papers finished ...

Posted at 12:27 AM

December 5, 2002

It's a sad testament to how busy college students are at the end of the semester when Heather, Eric, and I spend a few hours at Big Boy not to do our regular routine of relaxation and conversation but instead work together to formulate a sort of lesson plan and handout for the day that we will, together, do a presentation of Nova Express in our Beat Literature class (giving a bit of a lecture and leading the class in a focused discussion for the entire class session as Phil, our professor, sits in the back and simply watches on (with occasional interjections). The presentation itself will probably turn out alright, but its sad that we are so pressed for time that we sacrificed our sanity break for the week in order to do classwork. It was just disappointing.

We are all feeling pretty tired and overloaded, and I gather that I'm not the only one who is struggling with depression on one level or another, and I firmly believe that the emotional issues are a direct result of the stresses of school as we near the final days of the semester. I'm still sort of wonky overall, but now its more just an issue of not being very excited or happy about anything as opposed to being really down and despondent about everything - a small distinction, perhaps, but important. The important thing is that I'm looking forward to things I'll get to have time to do after the end of the semester; I'm almost excited about the prospects, and that's a happy thought for what will happen in only about two weeks. It's not the same as having happy stuff going on right now, exactly, but it'll do.

Posted at 1:05 AM

December 4, 2002

... You can just call me "Mr. Sunshine" ...

A few years ago, when I was deeply invested in a circle of friends right here in Toledo (a circle of friends which has disintegrated almost completely since then such that I see and hear from almost none of them at all and such that certain members of the group are physically and legally at odds with each other while others have simply disappeared from the presence of everyone else) - back then when I considered that group to be my true family and would have given anything and everything to help them or show them my love - when I would try to help with every problem anyone had or just be a good listener if that was the best I could do ... back then I convinced myself that those friends were enough to keep me happy and sane even if I never found someone that could be a boyfriend. It was easy then; I saw one or more of the Network (as we called ourselves) just about every day (or at least spoke with one or more of them on the phone). We went out to dinner together or fixed each other meals or had barbeques; we went to movies or conventions together or just watched TV at one of our places; and we talked about all sorts of issues from politics to education to books to music to ... whatever. We got to know each others' families (well, some of the families), too. It all seemed good, and even though certain people I cared for greatly slipped away when they moved to a distant place, the core group still remained and kept close, even providing a central link for our old friends to gather with when they visited from their own homes out of town.

At some point that changed, though. Things started disintegrating in hardly noticeable ways, making it so that we saw less and less of each other and did less and less together. I faced some very ugly problems after I got screwed over by my business partner and withdrew from our printing company - I faced some ugly financial, practical, and emotional problems. In the first few days and weeks, even months, everyone was supportive and helpful, and I loved them all for it. I had tried to never make demands on my friendships prior to that, always being there for others when they needed me but being pretty independent and self-sufficient, but things just were too much for me and I needed help. And help they did ... at least for a while. It's not that there was financial help (although in all fairness, Steve had loaned me money for the business that still needed to be repaid after the business failed), and the most I took otherwise was a crash space in a basement for a couple months until I made my move here to the Arts Center. Emotionally, things were hard on me, but I needed to think things through on my own for a little while and come to terms with things, so I didn't seek a friendly face to let me vent or cry about things for quite a while. When I did need some emotional support, though, I was on my own. I was told by certain people that I wasn't to come around if I was going to be depressed. I was told that my worries were stupid or silly. I was told that I was the only person who cared about certain issues (the sad problem of being the only gay person in a group of straight friends).

By the time I had my emotional breakdown I was quite completely isolated and on my own. Christiana, who had remained close to me, had been away in Chile for months (and would be away for many more months to follow), and the rest of the Network were distant and separated while they focused on their own lives. By the time I was actually sane enough to get out of bed again, it was time to be part of a wedding for two members of the Network (to each other), and I played my part. At the time, it was all I could do to hold myself together and not just cry non-stop, and while I was quite composed during the whole event, I was uncharacteristically silent and subdued. Some of the old gang asked how I was during the reception, and I was honest but reserved (let's face it; a wedding is not the place to discuss emotional issues and problems), so I made it clear that I was having a hard, lonely time, and I'd love to get together with them later to talk. The fact that I hadn't heard from any of this 'close circle of friends' for six months (or more in some cases) prior to the wedding didn't clue me in. Even a month or so after the wedding without a call didn't initially discourage me, but after a while I just had to face that things weren't the same any more and probably wouldn't ever be that way - at least not with that group of people. In fact, things actually grew even worse over time to the point where now certain members of this previously close-knit group would not hesitate to beat the life out of one another with baseball bats. I suppose in some ways I should just be thankful that I'm not a part certain aspects of this drama any more, but I still miss what we once had.

Anyhow, the whole point of this trip down amnesia lane was two-fold, and I haven't even gotten to either point yet. First is a comment that Steve made at one point when I first started opening up about my emotional issues following my departure from my business. I had kept things to myself for a little while but then I wanted to talk to someone and work through things, maybe get a little support and a hug or at least a chance to vent some of my steamier issues. Not only did I get blown off and told to 'stay away for a while if I was going to be a downer,' but I apparently became something of a shared joke among these 'friends' of mine who spoke about me behind my back regarding my depression and their (uninformed) opinions about it. Steve, as a part of these discussions, dubbed me with the ironic/sarcastic name "Mr. Sunshine," which he had no hesitation in sharing with me (and while the name bothered me as much as the rest of the whole blow-off, I didn't fault Steve for coining this name because he at least told me to my face what he thought and didn't talk behind my back like others). And I sit here today having reread my Journal entry from yesterday and realize that for good or for bad, I certainly am living up to that silly moniker once more. "Mr. Sunshine" rides again (and as a brief sidenote, regarding that name, I had a girlfriend in high school who called me "Mr. Sunshine" and "Sunbeam" because of how happy I was and how I 'brightened her day.' Also a little-known fact is that my unimaginative nickname from my parents is Sonny (which my parents claim was used because they 'knew I'd be bright' (regardless of the fact that the spelling would be different in that case band the fact that they also called the kitten 'Kitters' even though it's name was Tojo (hence their son became 'Sonny')))).

In any case, this all leads to the main point I intended to make in the first place, some number of hours ago when I started this Journal entry ...

I was pleasantly rewarded this evening when I got a chance to check my e.mail and found comforting e.mails from Drake, Sarah, and from a kind-hearted reader from London named Geoff. All three of these people had read my despairing entry from last night and sent me some kind words of encouragement. Things like that really mean a lot; they really do. It helps me feel less alone just to hear it from someone else. So thank you to you three and to anyone else out there reading my Journal who might be sending a little happy mojo my way. Thank you very much.

With that said, however, I think maybe I should explain a couple things better. Granted, I can view things at extremes when I get seriously depressed, but I am not hanging my happiness upon finding my soulmate (or even a less-than-perfect boyfriend who might not be my soulmate). Sure, I'd love a boyfriend (and I'd simply be in heaven if I found my soulmate), but that's not what I keep saying I need. What I need is regular companionship. I need someone around regularly. That's what I wrote about yesterday; I mentioned that I love my close friends and I enjoy myself when I'm with them, but they're not enough because I see them in very limited amounts. Seeing Heather, Beth, and Eric in class twice a week is nice, and the Thursday night get-togethers are great, but that's maybe six or seven hours out of the whole week, and that's it. Most people go home to a family or a spouse or a child or a roommate or even a pet, or at least they have a best friend or somebody close that maybe they don't live with but that they see or call just about every day. I was fine when I had that; I could cope. But I haven't had that for a long, long time, and the lack of regular contact with my close friends just makes things really hard on me.

I want somebody to watch TV with or talk to about stupid things like why the last commercial I watched was hilarious or whatever. I take great pleasure in sharing time with others; I like seeing things through the eyes of others. I see that as a positive thing, but I miss it when I don't have it, and eventually anything you miss long enough leaves you feeling a little empty. That's where I'm at right now, and it's hard to deal with it most of the time because I don't see any way out of the situation. Hope is a hard thing for me to maintain, and sometimes it all just gets to be too much to bear everything alone - it's just an ugly situation.

Thank you to everyone who really does care. That helps. It's not like you can drop by to watch TV with me (because it's a hell of a commute from north Detroit, Washington, D.C., or London), but sending a short e.mail makes a world of difference. Thanks. Thank you indeed.

Posted at 11:22 PM

December 3, 2002

I can't bear to even look around me any more. All I see on campus, at a store, in the Arts Center, and even on TV are guys that don't even care who I am. They each have their own complete lives and each have people they love dearly. Am I desperate to look at every guy in the world any more and think how much I'd like to get to know them and maybe connect on some higher level? Is it wrong to want some companionship? Does it matter what's wrong or right when they're all just everywhere around me but not with me? No matter how many people are ever around me, I am profoundly alone. In fact, the more people are around, the more alone I do indeed feel - it's just an inescapable reminder that I have no close connection to anyone.

It's crippling me. I have to struggle with myself to get up in the morning; I have to struggle to do anything practical or even do classwork - it all just seems so pointless and hopeless. Why do anything at all if none of this will ever change and I'll still be alone and hurting, waiting for someone that I can hold while I cry - someone to just listen to me tell them some stupid little thing about my day like some goofy thing that happened in one of my classes. Sure, I can write about stuff like that here in the Journal, but who's there to hold me? Hell, who even responds to what I have to say? Nobody, that's who.

I might accept being alone for a while if I knew it would end - if I knew there was some reason to wait or some change coming after a certain amount of time ... if I knew anything ... But I know nothing except that I am alone. That I've been alone. That with rare exception, I've always been alone. I have (and have had in the past) great friends, but I need someone who's really here, really present, really invested in my life and really connected to me; someone who wants and needs me around just as much as I need him. Someone like that doesn't just appear from thin air, I know, but what am I supposed to do - just throw my hands up in the air and say "Oh well" while I'm so miserable that I just want to die, hoping that I'll find someone to change everything when I've spent the last ten years doing that without anything good coming from any of it?

Well I just can't any more. I just don't have the strength to keep it up. It's just not possible to maintain hope when there's nothing there. Nothing.

Posted at 11:25 PM

December 2, 2002

... so empty and alone ...

And so begins another holiday season ...

Posted at 12:27 AM

December 1, 2002

I joined Chris and Heather at Big Boy last night for a while (a long while, as it turned out). Misty and Beth made brief, unscheduled appearances, but it was mostly just the three of us catching up on our Thanksgiving happenings. As usual, each of us had some mildly amusing anecdotes, but I think we found that things were sort of subdued in general - the wave of looming projects, papers, and novels that are due in the upcoming two to three weeks are truly overwhelming all of us, and nothing seems to stem the anxiety.

This whole Thanksgiving break had promise for me as a way to get just the slightest jump on some of my final work, getting a good start on two major research papers and finishing almost the last major readings (save one other novel and a few more shorter selections), but that just simply was a pipe dream. My plans weren't very different from everybody else's, apparently, and Chris, Heather (and Eric, based on our talks on Friday), as well as me, had made very little headway on things over the long weekend. It's depressing in its own way, and I find it hard to look forward to the next three weeks, even with the knowledge that the semester will be over once those are finished.

Unlike what I had expected even for today, I got very little accomplished out of all that I had planned. Today was just to be set aside for reading all of Nova Express which isn't all that long as novels go, even if it is a bit disjoint. The fact that I didn't get back from the get-together in BG until after 2:30 and didn't get to sleep until about 4 A.M. wasn't probably the best start, and even without sleeping for too long the day was sort of screwed. Even so, I had expected to read through the book without much of a problem, but that wasn't the case. I still have quite a bit to read, and I don't have much to show for my efforts during the past week. It's frustrating, really.

On top of all of this, I am getting incredibly frustrated that I have so little free time (read this as meaning no free time). I don't have extra time to write stories or poems, no time to update the website (even though I am aware of a number of things that need to be fixed and updated), and not even time for reading for pleasure or playing a computer game for a day or three straight. I'm just burning out, and I'm tired.

Three weeks just seems far too long.

Posted at 11:16 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2002