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February 2002

 

February 28, 2002

It's been a long day, and I'm very, very tired (and I have a bit of a headache), but the day has been fairly good overall. I didn't have to attend one of my classes, was able to get a short paper written between classes, got the outline for next week's presentation almost completed (despite the negative energy, problems, and lack of involvement from the other three people in the group), found two solid additional references for my Contemporary Poetry midterm essay, got my Linguistics exam back (and I got the highest grade in the class at 103% ... will wonders never cease?), and I got some of my reading done for next week's classes. After that I went to the poetry reading, and the fiction writer had a pretty decent story (the poet wasn't all that great). Finally, I went to "the Boy" for "coffee." For almost 3 hours it was just Beth and me chatting away, and then Sarah, Heather, Chris, Linda, and finally Manny joined us one pretty much after the other.

Sarah got a letter of acceptance into the PhD program at American University in Washington, D.C. with free tuition and a $10,500 per year stipend for teaching as a grad assistant. It's a sweet deal, and she is deservedly all smiles. It's good to see her getting this opportunity, even though it means she'll be gone after the end of this semester. We've been talking about setting up a listproc (a sort of e.mail that will bulk mail to a select group of people) so that we can all keep in touch regularly even after people drift away as they graduate. And that's good because not only will Sarah graduate after this semester, but Beth will as well. Just when I'm really getting to know them.

Beth found out recently that her boyfriend/fiancé (who is going to school in Pennsylvania) was given control of 140 acres of farmland in Pennsylvania by his father. They have been discussing things and have decided to start an apple grove and "live off the land" on the property. They are making plans to have a little community with Brian's (Beth's fiancé's) brother, Heather, and Chris. She even invited me and Sarah to join into their plans. I don't quite take it seriously, even though I honestly believe that Beth really is serious, but it's nice to have had the offer. It's funny, actually, to see how excited Beth is about growing apples. She is so psyched it's just bizarre. I told her that she has to wear a silver saucepan on her head if she's going to do this (ala Johnny Appleseed). She found that amusing, but Beth wants nothing to do with Johnny Appleseed. (In fact, she wants to sell off 40 acres and rename the whole thing the Hundred Acre Wood (ALA Winnie the Pooh). I have begun to think that they may all be crazy.

Strange as it was at times, the chance to get away and enjoy some intelligent conversation with nothing waiting for me was great. It would make me feel even better if I had more chances to chill out like this, but I'll take the Thursday night "coffee" while I can. It's always interesting, to say the least.

Posted at 2:33 AM

 

February 27, 2002

One. 1. Sounds like "won" (isn't that ironic).

There was a time when I was little that I appreciated being alone. Mostly that was because being alone meant that my father wasn't around to yell at me or abuse me. It also meant my mom wasn't there to make me guilty for breathing or seeing or whatever was the current focus of her torture. And it meant that my sister wasn't around either, the person who seemed to love nothing more than getting me in trouble or embarrassing me (or hurting me, but that pretty much stopped by the time I was about five because I got so violent and out of control once she got me started that she would become afraid that I would actually kill her (and I might have. Back when I was that young I would totally lose control in a berserk fury when I would get too angry, and even my 6'4" father had trouble holding me back when I was like that)). Being alone then was the only break I had from being tortured or upset or afraid or paranoid. It was like heaven, even if it was always short-lived.

That's not to say that I didn't want to be close to friends or want affection. Far from it. I had all sorts of friends when I was really young (like up 'til I was seven or eight), but that sloped off after Pat moved away and I didn't fit into all of the popular groups (I was awkward and clumsy until I was in high school and could never do well at sports, I wore geeky glasses that my mother thought were "darling," and I had geeky clothes (because my parents would spend as little as possible for clothes). I had a few friends (compared to a couple dozen when I was younger) for the next few years in school, and then certain personally painful issues in junior high school left me almost entirely isolated and alone. Those were horrible years, and I contemplated suicide more than I like to admit, and it just seemed worse as every day passed. I gained back a few friends in high school and college, and that made me feel alive for a while. I also had a few different romantic relationships during that time as well, and things were indeed better.

But now I'm back to having just about no one. Most of the people I had thought were my friends have screwed me over in one way or another and they don't want me to be around unless I'm there to entertain them (which means I have to take their snide remarks and bigotry and never have any problems or emotional issues when I'm around them). I tried to live up to that for a while, desperate for the companionship and closeness, but I couldn't keep doing it. And once I stopped maintaining the contact those people were gone. They had no interest in working to maintain the relationship and heaven-forbid they would try to help me work through my troubles (for example, when you are upset and try to tell someone about being sexually abused by your father as a child, having them blow you off and telling you to "get over it" and that they "don't want to deal with it" is a sign that they're not really a friend). My problem was that I figured nobody was perfect and I had to accept the good with the bad. It took being screwed time and time again by people to realize that they really just didn't give a damn about me.

It's not like I've forced my isolation. I am friendly to everyone I meet; I joke around with people in my classes and share notes and stuff; I chat with the people in the Arts Center when I see them and find out how things are going for them. I try to get close to people but nobody seems to want to. I refuse to invite myself into things because I want to know that people genuinely like me, but the end result is that I rarely seem to get invited to join anybody anywhere. There are rare moments, sure, and I cherish them, but they just aren't enough. I have a few good friends, too, like Chris and Christiana. The problem is that they're in Lafayette, Indiana and Brighton, England. Even with e.mail and the phone, that isn't all that close. And I haven't had someone close to really share everything with for a long time. I don't even mean someone in a close romantic relationship, although that would be a great thing to have, but I mean like a roommate or a best friend - someone you spend a great amount of your time with, where both of you share what's been going on in your day-to-day like, and where you both look out for the other person and want to see that they're happy. It's killing me not to have that.

Being alone is really horrible. The only reason I even liked it as a kid was because it was so rare and because it was an escape from a rough life. Now I don't even feel like I have an escape anymore. There are times that I think I'm completely losing control and that I'll go insane with nobody to even realize. That makes me feel even more alone.

I know that I can't expect a white knight to come riding in and save me, to have my soulmate walk by me one day and take me in his arms because he knew love at first sight. It's just never going to happen. But I don't know how much more I can do. I'm terrified to ask somebody out, and I'm not sure that would solve things anyhow. I need a best friend more than a sex partner, and I should be able to grow a friendship into a relationship, not the other way around. Yet even the people I talk to regularly in my classes, even the people I joke around with and have known for a couple of years - none of those people do anything with me away from class. Sure, Heather, Beth, and Sarah have invited me to the 'coffee' nights, but even with them that's all we do. Hell, we haven't ever even gone to the movies together. I know I'm some sort of backward geek to be this shy and ... well ... afraid - I'm very afraid of rejection because it has always hurt so much - but it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard. I'm willing to try, but I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.

I can't stay as just one. It's too close to zero.

Posted at 8:27 PM

 

February 26, 2002

Today was the Harry Potter presentation. I had a bit of running around to do early in the day to get the last of things together, but it all came together. The presentation was fantastic! Almost all of the class was involved, a lot of them had a good time with the way we ran things, and Rona (our professor) was very, very pleased with what we had put together. It feels good to have done so well, but I'm still incredibly happy that it's just simply over.

I also spent time today meeting with the group for the OTHER presentation, the one on Speak. We got a bit more done, but I don't really like the vibe from the girls I'm working with. We just aren't syncing as a group, and that's just going to make this all the more difficult. Fortunately that presentation is next Tuesday, so it will all be over soon.

I could go into detail about all of the other stuff I worked on today as well, but I won't because I'm sure it would bore you stiff. Just to give you an idea, I did a lot of reading, research, graphic design, and typing today to work on five other projects that are coming due within the next week and a half. It's all just busy, busy, busy, and I hate it with a passion, but the good news is that I can sit back and relax a bit after that for Spring Break (if I don't freak out before then...), and things will be pretty smooth when school starts back after Break as well. So I suffer for 10 more days and then get to completely relax for 10 days. That's not bad if I can pull it off.

So anyhow, the day has been pretty boring as far as having any interesting stories to tell you. I did have one interesting tidbit of news. I had been trying to find two of my English professors to see if they could help me find an obscure poem and neither of them were in the building. I decided to stop by Phil's office since I was nearby (Phil is my favorite teacher on all of campus). I chatted with Phil briefly and mentioned to Phil about Christiana being in England at Brighton College. I thought Phil would be interested since he grew up in England and spent like 26 years of his life there, and I was surprised to find out that Phil had actually gotten his undergraduate degree from Brighton College before coming to the states and BGSU for his masters and PhD work. We chatted for a little while about interesting things that were in Brighton, and I actually knew what he was talking about because of pictures that Christiana has been sending to me. So that was pretty cool, actually.

I wish more of my days were like that exchange with Phil, but the presentations and stuff aren't bad as long as they don't come up too often. It was a pretty good day as far as that goes, but I'm looking forward to a nice long break in just 10 more days...

Posted at 10:59 PM

 

February 25, 2002

After fairly long waits there have been new chapters posted for some of my favorite on-line stories of all time. The authors of these stories have every ounce of my respect; they have incredible talent and insight, and I hope that my own writing has at least a portion of their quality.

Tops on my list of the new postings is a much anticipated new chapter for the Storm Front series on Storm Nation. Ty has always impressed me with this story, my absolute favorite on the web. I haven't always agreed with the direction he has taken with the story or with the reactions of certain characters to each other, but Ty has an incredible insight into how people behave and interact, and I have rarely read any story where such a large number of characters have seemed completely real and believable (an I mean that for both stories on the web and in print). Next, I have to give kudos to Josh Aterveros' new addition to the Killian Kendall series of murder mystery/gay coming of age/love stories (with a ghost or two thrown in to spice things up). Each time Josh starts a new series he seems to surpass what he put together in the previous series, and even though the new sequel, The Truth of Yesterday, has just started, it looks to be the best yet of the Bleeding Heart series. Another person whose various connected storylines has never failed to impress me is Driver 9. The current running story, Everyday Love (posted on daBeagle's Doghouse and the Gay Writers' Guild pages), has been the same sort of honest, realistic story with the best way to look at life ... well, his stories are great, and this one doesn't fail to meet my high expectations. I have also been very pleased with the way things have been going with Nick Archer's Thicker than Water story on Archerland. Initially I was confused and not confident about the start of a new sequel to Family Instincts (which was a sequel to Paternal Instincts) because I didn't see a clear end or beginning between the two. But now it makes sense and I'm actually getting really interested in the way things have been changing. Lastly, it's not up yet but is expected any day now - the newest chapter of New Kid in School by Comicality. The number of good gay authors on the net who cite Comicality or that series in particular as the inspiration behind them starting to write is incredible. Not only is this a great, long running story, but it's Comicality's 100th story chapter (for all of his combined stories). I find that simply amazing, to be honest. Look at me with one whole chapter on my series. Sure, I have a few other one-off stories, but I'm just not anywhere near Comicality's league considering how prolific he is.

So what's my point with all of this? Why plug these stories when I already give them hearty endorsements on my Links pages? Well, it's simple. I read new chapters to a variety of stories every night. I probably read 5-15 chapters from various stories each night as they are posted. This, for me, is my one way to truly relax each night and get away from other things. I guess it's like some people that read from a novel for an hour or so each night before going to sleep. It's just a great way for me to unwind, and I often think it's one of the big things that keeps me sane on a daily basis. The best of the best stories sometimes take a lot of patience because new chapters can come slowly from some authors, but the wait is so worth it. That's the big reason for writing all of this right now. The stories listed above are among my very favorites, and they have all added new chapters recently. With the depression I've been feeling lately, these new chapters to read have really helped me relax and just enjoy myself.

It's great to be able to just take simple pleasure in something so readily accessible. I encourage you all to find this same pleasure. These are great stories about people you will really wish you knew.

Posted at 10:43 PM

 

February 24, 2002

What the fuck is wrong with my life that I have to have shitty day after shitty day for weeks on end before it goes back to normal? I might even live with it better if I had days that were actually good to balance out the crap, but no - it just levels out at average or mediocre and then has to crash in a flaming ball of devastation. Hmmm. A little over-dramatic? Maybe. I'm just tired of having shitty days, particularly when I don't do anything at all to deserve it.

I got up at 7 AM today ... ON A SUNDAY ... so that I could use copiers and cutters at Kinko's (on the other side of Toledo since the Kinko's in BG isn't open 24 hours a day) and then get to campus in BG so that I could work in the Cave Lab on the other stuff for the Harry Potter presentation (the other labs on campus don't open 'til after 12:30 on Sundays (except the Union Lab, which is only PC's, no Macs)). I actually got everything done by the time I needed, even though I was running around like mad to get done in time, and went to the library entrance to wait for the other people in my presentation group. We had decided to meet in the library again, but the library doesn't open 'til Noon on Sundays. No problem, I figured; we'd just go to another building and get things finished.

Well after checking to see that they hadn't met somewhere else and waiting until 11:15, I headed back to Toledo. It just figured that my answering machines had messages informing me that the library was closed so they had decided not to go to campus and rather just e.mail some discussion topics to me to add to the required outline I had started. Lucky me. I get to finish the outline. By myself. And I even got to waste my whole morning, too. Yippee.

And believe it or not, I'm not even as bitter as I was this morning. I've gotten over it somewhat, but my anger combined with a few realizations about some aspects of myself that I don't like worked together to get me pretty depressed again. This depression just doesn't want to leave, and it sucks. It colors everything I see, and it fucks with every emotion I have.

It's not worth it. There's absolutely no payoff. What's the point in putting up with this sort of hell when there's no happiness to balance it out? I'm just tired, and I want to get away from all of this, live in complete isolation and try to block out the pain and sadness. I wish it was that easy.

It's not that anybody ever said life would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be nearly this hard.

Posted at 9:00 PM

 

February 23, 2002

Yesterday I read textbook chapters all day. Yuck. It had to be done, but I certainly didn't like it. I also read the anthologized poetry of five poets and started working on getting more things together for my Harry Potter presentation on Tuesday. Today was a continuation of getting everything together for Harry Potter. I also got started on the materials for the presentation on Speak. I had hoped to also get started on my long paper for my Children's Literature class, but I'm losing my will to keep doing classwork.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet the group for Harry Potter and do my final planning. I'll also need to do more work on the other presentation, write my short paper on Speak, and work on the long paper that I'm putting off from today. Ugh! It just seems like it never ends. All sorts of crap due this week and I still have another presentation next week and a really long paper for my Contemporary Poetry class. The week following that is Spring Break, so I'll get a break in a little while, but I'm not very motivated during this barrage of projects and tests due from every class. I can't begin to tell you how much I just want to spend a day vegetating in front of the TV or sleeping in or ... anything. Just anything other than school stuff.

Damn but I need a life.

Posted at 6:59 PM

 

February 22, 2002

Adding to my list of things that went wrong yesterday was learning that Joné had resigned from her position in the office (for the Arts Center, where I live). I learned late in the evening, long after I was already feeling pretty down, and I didn't get very much information, just the news that I've told you. My initial reaction was rather cynical. I thought to myself that even with a major change in the Board of Directors the story remains the same - simply one drama after another, each of them just as predictable as the last, with no forward progression toward any possibility of ever really making the Collingwood Arts Center a better success. I was concerned for Joné, but I quickly decided that she'd be better off away from the Arts Center anyhow: more money, more stability, and less stress, regardless of where she might get a new job.

Today, with no more information than I had yesterday, I feel somewhat differently about the whole issue. I still had the cynicism but now tempered much more with bitterness. The newer of my two studios has been somewhat cold for quite a while now because of air accumulated in my radiator. Robert the handyman had bled the radiator a number of times in the past but the air kept coming back. Until a couple of weeks ago things had been bearable since the outside temperatures have continued to be be so unseasonably warm, but then things got pretty cold. Even for me, who usually stays exceptionally warm even in colder climates, it was just too cold to be comfortable. I had Joné place a work order for Robert to come back to bleed the radiators the Wednesday before last. She claimed he had too much to do that day but she would have him take care of things on Friday. I always try to be accommodating, so even though I was freezing my ass off I said okay. Well, Robert never showed up, and I've been buried in schoolwork 'til today. Knowing that Joné was gone, I decided to remind Lee or Robert about my work order. Guess what? Joné didn't even write up a work order until a few days ago. That had me a bit miffed, but like I said before, I'm accommodating, so I didn't make anything of it. I spoke directly to Robert and he said he'd be up sometime this afternoon to bleed off the air from my radiator. Well afternoon is long past and I'm still here in the cold. In fact, since nobody comes in on the weekends I'll be cold until at least Monday. Sure, I'm accommodating, but now I'm just pissed.

So now I'm pissed off at Joné, Lee, and Robert, not just for this bullshit of blowing me off (and this is easily an issue I could take to the Lucas County Housing Authority and use to make serious problems for the Arts Center), but for every time they've lied to me, blown me off, or screwed me over in some way during my interactions with them in the building. I'm angry and I'm still struggling against some serious depression, and that is a bad combination because my anger just ends up becoming a way to vent all of my built-up emotions. Right now I really want to feel some justice ... but I'm not sure how I'll get that just yet. Give me time, though. Give me time. I'm tired of being walked on, so no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Posted at 9:04 PM

 

February 21, 2002

I suppose I should be thankful that it has been so long since I've had a day like this, but I'm not. From beginning to end this day has just been a string of one problem or snafu after another, generally building upon the earlier problems. I actually was just dealing with it and looking forward to relaxing at the end of the day with an evening of 'coffee' at "the Boy." Well, by the time everything else was done and I was ready to go socialize I was an emotional wreck and pretty much just losing my cool. I decided just to head back to Toledo to pull myself together rather than spend time with a large group of rowdy people. I stopped by "the Boy" to let them know I wasn't up to things tonight, and we planned to get together again next week. The timing was pretty good because I ended up fighting back tears during the whole ride from Bowling Green.

I've been back for about an hour or so now, have eaten a bit and settled myself in. I still feel pretty down but not out of control. Part of me is really angry and disappointed that I can't just live like a normal person rather than have this emotional fuck-job all of the time, but mostly I'm just feeling down. Sure, shit just kept building up all day culminating in my feeling incredibly lonely during the poetry reading (because of this beautiful boy I kept watching and because of the specific poems and story that were read), but it seems to me that a normal person could probably just move on with their life. Not me. Whatever fucked up chemical imbalance I have just waits for me to have bad days so that it can do some damned rain dance in my head.

As a quick recap: I had to try printing the same thing five times in three different labs and still didn't get things to print properly; I read in the newspaper that a 14-year-old boy died at one of those bullshit boot camps because of the abuse and malnourishment that were a part of the boot camp (I have always hated these damn things but this just really upset me more than I can express to you); I made a dumb comment in class discussion that made me look like a fool; I turned in a short paper only to realize afterward that I had used incomplete terminology for a key issue in the paper; I had trouble studying for my Linguistics exam in the library because people were being too loud (... you know ... the library ... where it's supposed to be quiet ...); I realized too late that I had answered one of the questions on my exam wrong, using a correct answer but not properly following the instructions (I immediately knew what I had done when one of my classmates asked me about my answer for that question during our next class) (and the exam ... well, it was better than I expected but even without screwing up that one question completely (like a 10% value of the total) I knew I would lose a few points here and there for not having exactly perfect answers for some questions); I found out that the reporter that had been kidnapped in Pakistan had been executed on videotape (and while this depressed me as would the death of any person, it depressed me more to think what this will lead to in retaliation); and then of course this loneliness issue at the poetry reading. Even typing it all in, it just doesn't seem like enough to make me freak out, but emotionally if kicked my ass.

So I'm sorry to be such a downer today, but that's the way life works sometimes.

Posted at 11:20 PM

 

February 20, 2002

Shoot me; shoot me now.

Actually I've been in a pretty upbeat mood all day, but I can tell you with no hesitation that studying Linguistics solid for a whole day, hour after hour, minute after excruciating minute, is absolutely horrible. I definitely don't recommend it. But I am somewhat more confident about the exam tomorrow than I was last night. I'll still desperately need to study further tomorrow up until the exam (around classes and meeting with my presentation group, anyhow), but I think I'll do okay. Doing better than okay would be great, but I'll be quite content with okay. Really.

During my brief break for an early lunch today I flipped on the TV for something to mindlessly watch while I ate. I happened to turn on "The Other Half." For those of you not in the know, this is a newer show that is meant to compete with "The View" as a show for women about women. The twist on this show is that the hosts are all notable men (Dick Clark, Danny Bonaduce, etc.). Does that sound as stupid to you as it always has to me? Well whether it does or not, the show lives up to my expectations: it's stupid. Sadly, it's the best of all evils that are broadcast at that time, and I figured I'd only be watching briefly while I ate, so I watched. Shortly after I turned on the show they started a segment called "How to Train your Man" (remember, this is supposed to be a show for women). The segment went on to compare men to dogs in how to "train" them or at least get them to do what you want them to do (sometimes through subtle tricks, sometimes through psychological redirection, ... all sorts of things). It was horrible to me. This whole segment was supposed to be for people in relationships, and all I could think about was how little someone deserves to be in a relationship if they will resort to tricking or trying to "train" their partner. How pathetic to think that treating your partner like a dog is preferable to talking to them or just realizing that you might be with the wrong person if you feel that you have to change them in order for them to be acceptable to you. As pathetic as this segment was I was even more surprised and disgusted to learn that the guest on the show was to come back after the commercial break to explain how you could "train" (trick) your kids to do what you want them to do. Fortunately I was finished with my snack, and I turned off the TV before I could even hear any more of that drivel.

I haven't had time to dwell on that stupid segment of a stupid TV show - I had much more important work with studying for my exam - but it still burns me up to think about that sort of attitude where it is acceptable to ever treat anyone like a dog. What the fuck is that all about?

Maybe I'm just stressed from reading Linguistics stuff all day.

Posted at 8:07 PM

 

February 19, 2002

Eee-gads I'm tired.

I got up at 5 AM this morning so that I could write two short papers and then get to campus early to meet with the group for my Adolescent Lit Group Presentation. During my breaks between classes I wrote another short paper, met with the group for my Childhood Lit Group Presentation, researched and wrote a proposal for my midterm essay for my Contemporary Poetry class, and read the anthologized poems of two poets for discussion in class. Then, after classes were over, I went to Meijer to do some much-needed shopping. And here I am now, finally settled in with a nice cup of tea and watching "24," the Keifer Sutherland 'real-time' TV series (which I find to be incredibly well done). I think the only thing saving my sorry ass from serious exhaustion is that I went to bed at 10 PM last night (which made me feel like an old fogey ... I mean, who goes to bed at 10 PM? If I get to sleep by 1 AM it's usually amazing). I'm actually more mentally tired than physically tired. It's just been a seriously tense, rushed day with a lot of firing synapses.

I didn't get very much done this weekend. Emotionally I was feeling pretty shitty, and I forced myself (after my nervous breakdown two years ago) to make sure I relaxed and didn't push myself when I get like that. I know from experience that pushing myself and assuming I can deal with my mental and emotional issues later is just an incredibly bad idea. Unfortunately I had a whole hell of a lot of stuff I needed to do this weekend. The above list is only a portion of all of that. I should also have written one other short paper (which I might be able to put off until next week), get more material put together for both group projects, and (most importantly) study for my Linguistics exam. Tomorrow will be a day of drilling Linguistics stuff into my mind. The exam is Thursday afternoon so I have a little time between classes to study as well, but I'm screwed if I don't have everything memorized and understood by tomorrow night. It might be easier to feel some confidence if I actually gave a damn about Linguistics, but I really don't like it and don't see a practical use for it (at least not for me personally). But it has to be done, so I'll just have to buckle down and do it. At least I'm not all fucking depressed any more (not that I'm exactly cheery, but hell, I'm tired, so give me a break).

As a closing note I wanted to share a funny little thing from my day. During Linguistics class we were learning about various aspects of morphology, where new words are created in the language through one means or another. One of the possible ways to form a new word is through blending, like when 'breakfast' and 'lunch' are blended together to create the word 'brunch.' My group (with me, Brad (who is super hot and really intelligent), and another guy) came up with a blend for 'fried' and 'chicken' to make 'fricken.' So now you can ask for your fricken sandwich or some fricken wings or some fricken nuggets. Sure, it's sort of juvenile humor but we were amused. The really funny thing is that other groups came up with more childish or raunchy new words than us - we just came up with something ... practical. : )

Okay, so maybe I was tired then, too. But it seemed funny at the time.

Posted at 9:48 PM

 

February 18, 2002

Today is President's Day in the United States. This day was set as a national holiday a number of years ago to combine the separate observances of George Washington's Birthday and Abraham Lincoln's Birthday, and while the holiday still emphasizes those two incredible presidents, President's Day has come to be a celebration of all American presidents. In the spirit of the day I had originally intended to cite a speech by Lincoln regarding freedom and equality, but nothing really felt right. Thinking to myself a bit, I decided that John Kennedy's inaugural speech stated what I have been thinking about. This speech inspired America in many ways, but I feel it is important and relevant to the world today considering America's relationships with other countries, wars and tensions with various countries, and just the simple importance of offering freedom to the peoples of the world. On the surface, George Bush often claims to hold these values, but in practice GW Bush doesn't search for peace with our enemies, he doesn't try to help poverty-stricken countries, and he does not support bipartisanism even though he claims to do so. However, this was not meant to be a moment for me to be on my liberal soapbox. Today is meant to celebrate great men, great deeds, and great words. In that spirit I present the text of the inaugural speech for John F. Kennedy.

Vice President Johnson, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, President Truman, reverend clergy, fellow citizens, we observe today not a victory of party, but a celebration of freedom—symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning—signifying renewal, as well as change. For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn oath our forebears prescribed nearly a century and three quarters ago.

The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe—the belief that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the state, but from the hand of God.

We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

This much we pledge—and more.

To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share, we pledge the loyalty of faithful friends. United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative ventures. Divided, there is little we can do—for we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder.

To those new States whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron tyranny. We shall not always expect to find them supporting our view. But we shall always hope to find them strongly supporting their own freedom—and to remember that, in the past, those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside.

To those peoples in the huts and villages across the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves, for whatever period is required—not because the Communists may be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right. If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.

To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge—to convert our good words into good deeds—in a new alliance for progress—to assist free men and free governments in casting off the chains of poverty. But this peaceful revolution of hope cannot become the prey of hostile powers. Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.

To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, our last best hope in an age where the instruments of war have far outpaced the instruments of peace, we renew our pledge of support—to prevent it from becoming merely a forum for invective—to strengthen its shield of the new and the weak—and to enlarge the area in which its writ may run.

Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary, we offer not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for peace, before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all humanity in planned or accidental self-destruction.

We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed.

But neither can two great and powerful groups of nations take comfort from our present course—both sides overburdened by the cost of modern weapons, both rightly alarmed by the steady spread of the deadly atom, yet both racing to alter that uncertain balance of terror that stays the hand of mankind's final war.

So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.

Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.

Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection and control of arms—and bring the absolute power to destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.

Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease, tap the ocean depths, and encourage the arts and commerce.

Let both sides unite to heed in all corners of the earth the command of Isaiah—to "undo the heavy burdens ... and to let the oppressed go free."

And if a beachhead of cooperation may push back the jungle of suspicion, let both sides join in creating a new endeavor, not a new balance of power, but a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the peace preserved.

All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.

In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.

Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation"—a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.

Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort?

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility—I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it—and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own.

Posted at 8:03 PM

 

February 17, 2002

Thursday night, while I was at "the Boy" for coffee, I spent time with Beth, Sarah, and Manny. Beth and Sarah had been in a number of classes with me before, and we had all done the coffee thing a few times last year. Manny was a new addition. I had met him a few times last year when we would all hang out after Phil's American Lit class. He makes some potent, angry poetry, and shared it those few times I saw him last semester and then again Thursday night. I had already gotten the idea that Manny was angry and bitter about some things, but I learned a lot more. Manny grew up in Manhattan, staying tough to stay alive (or so we are led to believe) and selling drugs to have enough money to live. Personally, I have big problems with drug dealers and don't think there's any excuse for dealing. Manny's only saving grace on that was that he hasn't dealt since leaving NYC and Heather and Beth both think quite a lot of him. So I put my dislike aside to give him a chance.

Manny went on to tell us about how he had been beaten by his mother and father as a kid. Not just a slap or a spanking here and there, but knockdown, drag-out assaults that sometimes left Manny unconscious and often left scars. I have a lot of sympathy for people that grow up having been abused. It fucks up the way you think and act for the rest of your life. But Manny then proceeded to say he didn't blame his parents. He still loved them and didn't think they realized what they were doing. Apparently they would say they hadn't meant to hurt him after he awoke from being unconscious and he believed them.

That sort of shit pisses me off. I didn't say anything, and I'm still not sure if that was the best way to go or not. Part of me felt that it was his life to lead and his opinions were his opinions, but part of me was just so pissed off and wanting to tell him how wrong he was that it's still aggravating me now, days later. When parents abuse their kids, there's no excuse. It's never acceptable. It's wrong, plain and simple. If they "didn't know what they were doing" then they should be in a mental institution because they're a danger to other people. If they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol that's no excuse either. If they got drunk and abused their kid then they should know what the booze would do and stop drinking so there's no chance to hurt their child again. I could argue so far as to say that even abusing a kid once because you were drunk is wrong, but even giving them the benefit of the doubt and letting them off the hook for that one first time doesn't leave any room for excuses after that. Manny was abused time and time again. His parents knew exactly what they were doing. It was wrong, and even if Manny can forgive them he has no right to say that they were blameless. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. Damn, it still pisses me off just thinking about the whole thing.

And then the following day I read a book about a kid with ADD that was abused by his family and a book about a girl who was raped and mistreated by her parents while she was suffering alone with her terrible secret. The whole thing has just been festering in my head and getting me pissed off. I can't explain to you how much child abuse upsets me. To me, it's just about the worst thing in the world, and it happens all the time with hardly any acknowledgment from anyone. It just has to stop. It has to stop.

Posted at 7:31 PM

 

February 16, 2002

I read straight through the day yesterday, finishing a bunch of books for various classes with the hopes of writing short papers on each today and getting some work done organizing some study materials for my linguistics exam next week. As you might expect from a lead-in statement like that, I had trouble getting just about anything done today so I still have a lot to do tomorrow and Monday.

The readings on Friday were all very impressive. First, I finished Watership Down, by Richard Adams. It had taken me a while to get into the book, but I wanted to keep going once I was into it. Having finished the book, I understand why Adams did certain things that seem to slow the book down because they have other, beneficial effects, but they were stylistic things that bugged me a lot during the read.

I didn't have a whole lot of that book to finish, so I jumped pretty quickly into Barbara Park's Mick Harte Was Here. I have never read a book/story so quickly in my life, and I have never cried constantly throughout reading an entire book. I'm serious. I had tears rolling down my cheeks constantly as I was reading this book. Granted, I've been pretty moody and depressed lately anyhow, but this book about a 13-year old girl dealing with the death of her 12-year old brother was intense and brought back a lot of memories of people I've loved who are now gone. It was a tough read.

From Mick Harte I moved to Jack Gantos' Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key, about a young boy with serious Attention Deficit Disorder and the way parents teachers and doctors respond to him. It really upset me too, but not in the same moody way. I got angry in this book because nobody seemed willing to even try to help poor Joey. They made everything out to be his fault when the reality was that he needed proper medication. The book ends with what should be a 'happy ending,' but I was still pretty aggravated. He deserves better than the mother, father, grandmother, and teachers and principal that he's stuck with, even if he does finally have his ADD under control with proper meds. Damn, I just don't have patience for people who aren't willing to love a kid and give him everything he needs. But I guess I'm getting too worked up, so let's get off this topic.

That book went rather quickly as well, although not as fast as Joey Pigza. The next book was one I'll be giving through a group presentation, Speak, by Laurie Anderson. This was a moving, personally relevant book about a girl who's raped and then shunned by everyone around her (at home and at school) as she shuts down emotionally and rarely talks to anyone, not knowing who to trust and doing everything she can not to lose her mind with the emotions and pain that swirls around in her mind. The book used a lot of cynical, sarcastic humor about high school and adolescence and parents, but the humor is always delivered on the brink of losing it - using the humor to block out memories of abuse but not always managing to succeed. The book is very well written, even if a bit predictable, and explains more about the effect of rape than most books with cover the direct results and immediate responses to rape.

So, as you can imagine, it was a pretty big downer for reading materials. Granted, I love to read, and all of these books were written quite well, but the constant emotional downer for hour after hour of the day was a bit much. That's pretty much why I think I've been so nonproductive today. I just needed time to recover mentally, sort of. Does that make sense? I just needed a break so that my mind could work through some things. This all actually comes of the heels of a few comments from Thursday night at "the Boy" that bothered me a bit at the time and keep recurring in my mind, but that whole topic is something for another Journal entry. Maybe I'll share that with you tomorrow. I just don't want to get into a rant right now. Sorry.

Posted at 12:47 AM

 

February 15, 2002

Well, I had a few shocks last night. Here I was in this same position, sitting in front of my PowerBook, sort of tired but not willing to go to bed, and surfing the normal sites I read every day. I had already uploaded my Journal entry, and it was about 3:30 AM, but I had recently had an e.mail about site-management updates from my website host, and I decided to check out my online account. I hadn't really spent any time looking at things since setting up my URL with this host, and I had put it out of my mind. I mean, the site runs fine; I have no complaints; so why mess with things? But it occurred to me that my site host kept statistics on my site's activity, and I had never checked things out. Watching the hit counter on the site itself (now well-past 1200 hits) was enough for me. At least it was enough until I checked out further data.

As it turns out, the 1200+ hits to my site were unique hits, meaning any given person to visit the site was only counted once, even if they revisited the site every day for five months. In my head I knew that. I knew it was for unique hits. But maybe I just wasn't thinking that a lot of people would come back after their first visit. Granted, that statement pretty much sums up my total lack of self-confidence in one short line, but I honestly thought that there weren't many people reading what I had to offer. I have had very few Guestbook entries (only 9 in the thirteen months since I launched the original site, 3 of them from friends I asked to look at the site to get their opinions and 2 of them from Gabe) and only a few e.mails (a total of 5 if you don't count people I've known for years, and 3 of those were from the same person, Gabe) and only 3 Instant Messaging sessions (also with Gabe) (have I mentioned how much I appreciate Gabe's contact? Well, I do. He's been great).

So imagine my surprise to learn that the total number of hits, counting repeat visits, is over 9500 since Dreamhost started tracking things at the beginning of October. In fact, the last day of posted totals was the 13th of this month, and there were 288 hits that day. That was a good day (although not the best-ever), but my average per day is a bit lower, like about 80 hits, but that's way more than I ever expected. Imagine, about 80 people surf into this site every day to check out my lame-ass life through my Journals and maybe read a couple poems or a story. I had absolutely no idea that so many people were visiting. Sure, it's not big numbers considering the number of hits on other sites, but I'm nobody special, and I really don't advertise my site to any degree (although I did learn that Nick Archer (Archerland) added theDreamworld to his list of recommended sites, adding to Gabe's recommendation (TH380Y) and the webrings I belong to). It's all incredibly pleasing.

Well that was the surprising and pleasing part. Now for the more bizarre aspects, namely the search requests that led people to come to theDreamworld. As you may know, when you use a search engine on the net it spits out all sorts of potential sites that might meet your requests. If my site pops up on a search list and someone selects my listing, DreamHost makes a note of what the search request had been. While I didn't have a lot of people come as the result of search requests, some of the search phrases are interesting. Some people came to my site after looking for "Phil Dickinson," my favorite teacher at my university. A few people came after looking for daBeagle's website. Someone came after searching for "Pablo Naruda," the Cuban poet that I mentioned in one or two Journal entries. Someone was looking for "Ethan Hawke's novel," which I had read and discussed in another Journal entry. Someone was looking for "Keiran Culkin," who I had mentioned in a couple Journal entries a LONG time ago when his failed sitcom was on TV All of those are maybe sort of obscure connections to my site, but not exactly bizarre. But believe me, there are bizarre search requests. How about "postnasal drip causing tickle in the throat" or "she was drunk short story sex" or "long slender women" or "touchup paint for sinks?" Obviously, the search words don't always have to be together. But even those strange things are pretty sedate. There are others that are more disturbing. Check out "shorter boyfriend growth spurt" and "she was drunk short story sex" and "Barney first season pedophile." Those are actually not just weird but somewhat disturbing. And these are just a sampling. Hmmm... <scratches head> Possibly even stranger are searches based on individual words (as opposed to full phrases). There are a lot of these, but I found it amusing that multiple people came to my site based on a search that chose theDreamworld based simply on the words "in," "the," "of," and the letter "f." Weird.

I also found out that the vast, vast majority of you are viewing using Internet Explorer. I don't suppose that surprises me, but I'm disappointed because the way IE displays theDreamworld has never been as good as on Netscape or Opera. It's okay on IE, but not quite the way I want it. But with about 65% of you using IE, I guess I'll need to spend time over Spring Break doing some work to make things display better in IE than they currently do.

All in all, though, it was very enlightening. I have a hell of a lot better appreciation for my own site, and I now realize that I actually do have an audience out there reading what I have to say. It helps to know that. Really. Once again, thanks to all of you that have stopped by to check things out. I hope you'll keep coming back.

Posted at 10:14 PM

 

February 14, 2002

I wonder what St. Valentine would say if he were alive today to see what the day that is named for him has become.

It's been a pretty horrible day as days go. This wave of depression I've been struggling against for the last few days has come to a head today. It may well be that my mind has been subconsciously responding to the approach of Valentine's Day all along, and the thought of being alone has played against everything I see and do. If that's the case then I should feel less depressed tomorrow or sometimes this weekend. Hopefully that will be the case, but who the fuck knows? It feels very much like it's just beyond my ability to reign in this sort of depression in the least.

The day began with thoughts of Simon. In fact, I was even thinking about Simon a lot last night. Odd really, that Simon should be on my mind since I was never in a relationship with him and he isn't gay. But then again, I loved and still love Simon, and I miss him greatly, and he was one of the very few people I've ever completely loved with all my heart and soul. He just kept popping up in my head and it hurt so much to see him in my mind but not have him here. I got me crying quite a few times today. Yes, I did think of others like Dustin and Ken, but Simon was really in my mind today.

After what had turned out to feel like an even longer day than it was, I debated stopping at "the Boy" (the new name coined for Big Boy by Beth, Heather, and Sarah, the core group of people that met with me for 'coffee' a few times last semester). I had run into Beth on campus on Tuesday and she said that Thursday night was going to be a new 'coffee' night on a regular basis and she invited me to come. Part of me wanted to just pass on going and head straight back to Toledo to just try to block out the loneliness and depression. The other part of me wanted to have company to thwart the loneliness. Seeking company won out so I went. All in all, it was a good decision. Beth, Sarah, and Manny and I talked for about five hours about a bunch of things. Heather was there too, but she had set herself apart on the other side of the restaurant to study and to talk with her boyfriend later in the evening when he finally showed up. I got to talk to Heather a bit also, but not very much. Ironically, that was probably a good thing.

I've mentioned before in a past Journal entry that Heather reminds me very much of Simon. It didn't click in my mind when I was debating whether to stop by Big Boy that I would have a physical reminder of Simon to compound my sadness at missing him, but it was actually tough to deal with. Even as little as I spoke with Heather I saw that pale, perfect skin like fine china, the slightly rosy cheeks, the small features, the large doe-like eyes, the thin ruby-red lips, and the low hairline. Heather once again startled me by the way she moves like Simon as well, moving her lips in a certain way when she speaks, laughing in a certain manner, and just holding her body in certain poses that seem just like Simon. It's odd. I've missed seeing and talking to Heather, but it hurt to be near her and see Simon with every glance. I don't know what I would have done if she had been around the whole evening. I think it just would have been too much for me.

I don't know why Simon was so on my mind today. Hell, I miss him more than I can explain, but it's not like he's ever been more than a friend. On Valentine's Day what I really want should be a boyfriend, but nobody's there to fill that position, and I think what I really needed was one of the people from my life that I've really loved, really trusted, and really respected. There are only a very few people that fit that bill, and as it turns out Simon is the only one left who isn't dead or in Europe. Today what I really needed was just someone I loved that would just hold me tight while I cried out my loneliness and pain. Crying by myself just makes it worse, and I just feel empty. I really needed somebody today ... and I feel lost without anyone to turn to.

I hope I feel different this weekend. I hope I feel less down. But I guess we'll just have to see.

Posted at 2:54 AM

 

February 13, 2002

Christiana called today from England. She was upset that she had just learned she would have to take an extra semester before she could graduate (she would graduate in May of 2003 rather than next December), and she was wondering if I thought she should stay in England for another semester before coming back to finish he last semester. Is it just me, or was that a question with only one expected answer? 'Gee, Christiana, why would you want to spend another semester in Brighton? Why not come back to Toledo, the city you always complain about hating so much?' Of course I didn't say any of that, and actually I was more bemused and befuddled than that typically cynical line of questioning would suggest, but I still don't understand why this would be a rough choice.

Christiana also mentioned that she expects to get a job for 10 hours a week as a computer lab consultant. It would pay 7 pounds an hour, so that's not bad for a limited part-time student job. She figures between that and regular financial aid that she will be able to visit a lot more places in England (and all of Europe) and get a lot more out of her time there. It's all good to me. I know I'd be excited to be doing the same thing, too, but I don't have that opportunity. It's not anything she intends to do, but the excitement she has about England and her easy extension of staying there all makes me sad that I'm not there to share the fun. In fact, it outright depresses me to think that I'll never be able to go to England (or anywhere) and get the chance to see all of the things that so rightfully excite Christiana. That's not to say I don't like Toledo or anyplace I could go in the US, but it just seems like I'm really missing out on some really great stuff.

She didn't mention it this time, but Christiana has told me that Brighton, where she is living and going to college, is considered the 'Gay Capital of Europe,' at least by the locals. I am sure that's up for debate with Amsterdam and Berlin and maybe a few other areas, but it might well be the center of gay culture for Britain. Whether it is or not, it's one other really big aspect of Christiana's experiences that I'm missing out on. And damnit!, she's not even gay, so she won't appreciate anything about it! How fair is that?!

Well, as much as I wish I was there, at least I'm happy for Christiana. She's definitely loving every minute of it, and she certainly deserves it.

Posted at 8:50 PM

 

February 12, 2002

The world is a very disturbing place. Sometimes I don't know how I can bear living in a place so full of hate and pain. I can't really block it out, you know. It all affects me. It's like a knife into me every time I see a report of murder or a reference to a child disappearing. Every word from a bigot or a self-serving fool is a blow to my head. Every junkie or prostitute or runaway is an ulcer through my stomach. All life is sacred. Every suffering, no matter how small, is a suffering I feel for myself. It just never ends. Not a day, not a moment passes that thousands, even millions suffer an irreparable harm. And the world goes on, unfeeling, unnoticing, uncaring, ready in the next moment to serve out still more suffering. It never ends.

It never ends.

Posted at 9:28 PM

 

February 11, 2002

Would you change anything in your life if you had the chance? If you could go back in time, would you do something differently? I've been having a lot of memories of my past lately and a lot of doubts about a lot of things. I don't know that a different choice at one time or another would make things better now - it might make things worse - but I know that things suck now specifically due to a few different things from the past. Even so, I just don't know if I'd do things differently even if I knew what I know now. It's just frustrating to feel like I'm at the end of a string of wrong choices and wrong actions. I don't like my life now, and I really have to consider what's my fault, what's just fate or chance, and what's just the way things are in life. None of those choices is really any better than another. I just don't like it.

I'm sorry. I know that the few of you who actually read this Journal don't likely come here to listen to me be whiny or sad. I'll be the first to tell you that you deserve better and I sure as hell wish I wasn't this way as often as I am. But .. well ... I am this way. So forgive me if I'm feeling a bit depressed and lost. I try to write about other stuff even when I feel like this, but today it's just all I can think about (even though I've been reading all day for classes). I promise to keep these sorts of Journal entries as few as possible. Thanks for bearing with me.

Posted at 8:32 PM

 

February 10, 2002

Hmmm ...

Nathan stopped by this evening. Among other staggered conversations, he mentioned to me that he was now unable to read my Journal on this website when he went to the library. Apparently our public library has put some sort of blocking software on their computers, which in itself doesn't surprise or shock me, but my site has been blocked as a result. That leads me to wonder about what it thinks it's blocking. I mean, I don't have pornography on here or plans for nuclear bombs or even subversive propaganda. Granted, I have the occasional swearword in my poems, stories, and even these Journals, but even those are rare and never simply gratuitous. It's possible that a filter might simply block any site including the word "fuck" anywhere in the texts, but that seems like it would cut out a whole hell of a lot of sites from being accessed.

Honestly I am more concerned that my site is blocked because of the word "gay" and any of the poems, stories, or Journal entries that discuss being gay and issues of equality. Very possibly, the filter the library uses looks blindly for the word gay and blocks any site including it, regardless of whether it is vulgar or informational. I have to admit that my personal exclusion by the filter is aggravating to me, but I am more concerned about the possibility that someone searching for gay information on the library computers is being denied access to answers to questions they are afraid to ask any real person. Some poor kid that doesn't have a computer at home, reveling in the tools available through the public library, would be denied access to even the most straightforward, sterile information about gay people. It bothers me. This is censorship in a public institution that is a formal part of the government - the same government that promises freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom of belief.

But why should I expect that people should have their civil liberties protected? It's not like this is the land of the free ... it SHOULD be ... but freedom is really on a sliding scale based on wealth. If you have lots of money you can get away with all sorts of things and also have the wealth to afford your own computer with which to gain information. If you're poor you get screwed - your access is limited if not denied and you have absolutely no chance of getting away with even things that should be thought of as fair or normal. If you're poor you're screwed by America. As far as I'm concerned it's an economic and social form of slavery. Does that sound hyperbolic? I don't think so.

Whenever any single person's inalienable rights are denied to them they are being chained and enslaved, and their freedom is removed from them at some level. It's never acceptable. Never. I wish everyone could see that. I wish people could see beyond their own situation. We're all connected - sooner or late, everyone will be enslaved by this sort of treatment. It's inevitable.

Posted at 7:54 PM

 

February 9, 2002

The Olympics start today in Salt Lake City. I don't even want to get into the issue of the location (Salt Lake City is hardly the city of universal brotherly love and harmony ... unless everybody that shows up are Mormons), but I do have a few other issues that bug me about the state of these events.

First of all, I want to take a moment to reflect on what the Olympics are supposed to be. When the Olympics were originally held, in ancient Greece, the spirit of the events was to bring all civilizations together to celebrate and find common ground, even to try to understand different civilizations and appreciate them. Yes, there was competition among the various nations, but not much more so than there was competition among every individual athlete, even the ones from the same nation. The event was a celebration of humanity, not a big political thing. In fact Greece made great efforts to include everyone possible and the Olympics were a sort of agreed cease-fire for any warring nations. For the duration of the games, everyone was to have fun and be their best not only as athletes but as human beings. When the Olympics were resurrected for the modern age the spirit behind them was to be the same. They were, in the spirit of the original idea behind the United Nations, supposed to be a way to include all nations in peaceful interaction to celebrate all of humanity and learn to appreciate people from other nations that we often never really understood. Politics quickly came into the mix, making the Olympics a big pissing contest to supposedly prove which nation is better than another, but any nation that sees that as the only use for the Olympics is narrow-minded and shortsighted. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting the athletes from your country to win or feeling proud about their winning, but whether they win or lose doesn't say anything about whether your country is better than another, just like the SuperBowl winner doesn't mean that the people from one US city are better than another or the All-State champs in high school football don't demonstrate that the people in their town are better than the people in any other town in the state. Sure, celebrate if your local or national heroes win, but don't try to make out like you're somehow better than the others, like you have better genetics or your farts have less stink. We're all the same regardless of who wins or loses, and the sad thing is that the winner/loser thing completely obliterates the spirit of the Olympics and even more importantly the real value of the Olympics. If it were just some pissing contest, any individual sport would do. Heck, you could even have a scoreboard for who wins various wars if all you want is some gauge of who is somehow better than another. Or maybe a chart of who has the most population - whoever has the most citizens must be best, right? Am I making my point? Can you see that none of that shit matters? Can you see there's no way to make such comparisons, even if there were a valid reason?

Anyhow, my next issue about the Olympics is the current situation with "security." Granted, I'm not there, but what I can see on the news and learn on the Internet makes it pretty clear that our fearless leader, Emperor Bush, has pretty much declared martial law and stocked the streets with stormtroopers who are arresting and strip-searching every average Joe that walks down the street. Gee, makes you really want to go to the Olympics with the promise of a cavity search, some time in jail while they check out your background, or some recently-made-legal seizure of your personal property without any reason other than the security officer really thought his wife would love it. Way to promote the spirit of brotherly love at the Olympics, George W. ... way to go. It's sick that I can even feel this way, but I'd be able to accept if a terrorist got through and blew up a bomb if it meant that the civil liberties of Americans and foreign visitors weren't being trampled upon under the guise of necessity. I don't want to live in a police state. That's not what America was founded upon, and that's not what I will accept from my government. But if this year it's okay to suspend civil liberties for the Olympics then next year it'll be okay to do it at the SuperBowl and NBA playoffs and, heck, even the PGA Tour. Then the following year it'll be okay wherever a celebrity or public figure shows up. And eventually having a police state will just seem normal. Everybody will get used to having soldiers on every street, pounding on the doors of your home for a spot-search for questionable items and maybe breaking the place up a bit if you don't offer them "proper hospitality." Is this too dramatic? Do you think this could never happen? Has it occurred to you that other nations that have been freed from dictatorships in the last 50 years were peaceful monarchies or democracies at one time until things gradually slipped out of control? What makes us immune to that possibility? Nothing, that's what. Nothing makes us immune to losing our freedom. Nothing except vigilance and the determination to stand up when you see any civil liberties being harmed.

One final issue about the Olympics, and this is sort of a combined issue between the two previous concerns. When Emperor Bush tells Americans that these are "our" Olympics and that America can show the rest of the world what America's all about at the Olympic games, he is turning the entire event into a political propaganda tool that sickens me and should sicken everyone who knows not only what the Olympics stand for but what America stands for. If we truly wanted to show the world what America is about, or at least what is should be about, we should have an event where everyone is welcome, everyone is applauded for their efforts by everyone from every nation, where no one has any loss of their civil liberties, and where the end of each broadcast day is not a summation of how many medals were won by Americans but all winners of all events from all countries are celebrated. Does George Bush actually think that Americans are so selfish and inhuman that they can only appreciate the Olympics as some twisted view of blind patriotism where Americans can't appreciate a great athletic performance unless the athlete is American? I don't know. But the who political spin that he's put on the Olympics sickens me. He should honestly be ashamed. He really should.

Posted at 8:58 PM

 

February 8, 2002

Okay, so I'm a geek.

I'm typing during the ad for "The Weakest Link." It's a rerun (actually, it's a first run on PAX (don't ask why I'm watching PAX), but it was broadcast a while ago on regular TV), and I hadn't seen it before, even though I had wanted to. As a general rule, I don't care for this show, but this particular episode is a special 'Star Trek' episode with stars from each of the various Trek series. Even a special like this wouldn't usually stir me to watch "Weakest Link," but Wil Wheaton is one of the stars on the show, and he had written about it in his blog on his website, making it sound fun and interesting. So far, that is very much the case. There have been a number of amusing comments and plays between each of the stars and Anne, the host.

Wil Wheaton has been regularly impressing me with his insights and humor, and I don't let a day pass without surfing to his website to see if he has a new blog. He posts every couple days, sometimes even multiple times a day, and sometimes he just makes comments about what he's doing for the day while other times he has little rants about the government or Hollywood or something. Sometimes he'll throw in a little anecdote from some childhood memory. It's all good to me, and I'm amazed that in general, he writes about the same things that I do. The difference, of course, is that his blogs are interesting. What can I say? Maybe if I'd been a child star ...

Speaking of sites I read regularly, I read TH380Y on a regular basis, and I'm upset with the very recent web diary entries. It looks like there's a bunch of stress and problems in Gabe's life right now, and it just isn't right. The poor kid's had more than his fair share of trouble in his life, and things look particularly upsetting now. He's a survivor, to be sure, and I know he'll get through it all, but I wish he didn't have to have the bad times at all. I guess I would wish that for everybody, really, but I've chatted a few times with Gabe over IM and I know he's very smart and mature and I have this concern for him. I guess I'll just have to keep my hopes up. I wish there was something I could do for him, but heck, he's in California and I'm not in any position to do much of anything but listen if he needs somebody to talk to. Hopefully that's at least something useful for him.

So anyhow, back to "The Weakest Link," it's getting down to the wire and Wil's still left out of the original eight by the time they're down to three. He's a sharp guy, but I'm surprised. I mean really - lasting as a contestant on this show doesn't have much to do with how smart you are. You just get voted off by other people if they don't like you or think you're goofy or something. In fact a lot of times they vote off the smartest people so that they don't get faced with stiff competition. That's actually why I dislike this show - it has nothing to do with intelligence or even luck, just popularity and the whims of people you don't even know. It's just a stupid name to me. Wil doesn't make it to the final two (it's left to Levar Burton and Robert Piccardo), but it's been a pretty amusing show. Considering I usually find Friday nights to be devoid of any watchable TV (I really don't watch a whole lot of TV - only a few things appeal to me), I just usually don't watch TV on Friday nights at all. So this was a nice break after a day of reading for various classes.

So now I'm off to check up on Gabe and see if there's any good news. Wish me luck (...Gabe may need it).

Posted at 8:57 PM

 

February 7, 2002

Dustin, Dustin, Dustin.

I'll be damned if I could get him off my mind today. I suppose I could have worse things stuck in my head, but constantly thinking about someone you have an infatuation for is frustrating. Add to that the fact that I've been depressed and lonely for the last week, and I'm just not getting much more than heartache.

Damn, but I need a hug.

Posted at 10:56 PM

 

February 6, 2002

So how many of you are Straight Edge? Or better yet, how many of you know what Straight Edge is?

Well let's start by saying that I'm not Straight Edge. I approve. I know a lot of people who are Straight Edge, too. But I'm not. Maybe you've heard the word. Maybe you've seen the big, solid black X symbol (not to be confused with the Malcolm X or Mac OS X symbols) and wondered what it was. Well, Straight Edge is a way of thinking and acting. Straight Edge people don't smoke, don't drink, and don't do drugs. They also listen to the more extreme end of music, generally punk, but Straight Edge has drifted out to include Ska music, Industrial, and some other raucous rock forms. The whole thing centers around the idea that you don't need any outside stimulus to be high on music or high on life. It's a great concept that more people should embrace, but the Straight Edge movement is usually seen as fairly counterculture since it is most regularly embraced by skaters, punks, Goths, and other non-mainstream groups. Yes, for those of you in the know, I've oversimplified things a bit, but I brought all of this up for a reason, so bear with me ...

I'm not here to judge anyone, and I honestly believe that everyone has a right to think and do what they want so long as it doesn't have a negative effect on others. Personally, I abhor tobacco, alcohol, and all drugs (along with gambling, and organized religion) because they prey on people's inner needs for pleasure and comfort and a sense of escape from the harshness of daily reality. My problem isn't with the escape or comfort, it's with the dependence and self-destructiveness that result from them. I detest addiction and the people who foster it. And to me, beer commercials and state lotteries are as bad as drug pushers. I don't blame addicts or drunks, chain smokers or chronic gamblers - they are all victims that society seems more than willing to allow to hurt themselves physically, financially, and emotionally, and I feel very concerned for every one of them. But regardless of my feelings, I support their right to do any and all of these things if that's what they want for their life. They see a need and they have found a way to fulfill that need.

While I wish more people had the Straight Edge attitude, I don't expect that a lot of people will. Even more importantly I don't think those victims need to be preached to by people like me. Yes, I support awareness campaigns, but after a certain point people have been informed and made their own opinion. After that, they don't need to be attacked for their choices.

I cringe every time my parents have asked me to drink some sort of alcohol (yes, they really try to push alcohol on me even though I have made it clear for years that I won't drink). It bothers me that they are that insensitive not to honor my choices (but then again, that's pretty much their style in everything). My point is, I think that that frustration I feel from my parents trying to force me to use an addictive substance is the same as the frustration a smoker, drinker, drug-user, gambler, or religious fanatic have when someone tries to "save them from themselves." Sometimes a bit of perspective change is important for everyone, and this is definitely one of those situations in my mind.

Posted at 8:28 PM

 

February 5, 2002

Hello, you of the faithful few, my small but loyal readership of lurkers. I have no idea who you are since I don't hear from you, but I know you're out there because my hit counter for the site continues to rise on a daily basis. And while I'd like to know who you are, that's okay. I've been a lurker for a long time, and I rarely poke my head out of the shadows even for the story-authors and site-owners I love the most. To be honest, I'm sort of ashamed of myself in a lot of cases because certain authors really deserve my words of praise. Am I lazy or too busy or forget to do it? Well, no, I'm mostly intimidated by the same thing that isolates me most of the time in real life - insecurity and fear of rejection. It's a silly set of fears here on the Internet where nobody knows who you are and lots of people make themselves out to be someone other than who they really are. I can't do that stuff, though.

theDreamworld is a representation of what I want to see in the world, and chief among those things is absolute truth. Just as I don't want to be lied to, I try not to lie, but here in theDreamworld it is imperative to me that I'm always honest and straightforward. That's not to say that I'll always be directly forthcoming with things - certain parts of my life are hard to discuss and will come out in time - but I will never knowingly lie in this website or through my chats or e.mails with anybody who meets me through this site. It's important to me, and I hope it's one of the things you as a reader will appreciate about this site and about me.

All of that said, I understand being a lurker and just watching the site from the sidelines. I can't expect you to be any different than me, can I? Of course, if you feel like signing the Guestbook or sending an e.mail, I certainly will be more than pleased to hear from you, but don't feel any obligation. If you never do contact me, though, or if I somehow manage not to respond immediately to an e.mail you send, let me tell you that I honestly appreciate your dropping by the site, and I hope you get something useful or enjoyable from your visit. Part of me would love to have to spend hours replying to e.mails and keeping up with chat, but that's probably never going to happen. And that's okay. I'm not doing this for fame or to make friends. I'm doing this to at least feel I've made the attempt to bring my dreamworld into some form of reality, however loosely constructed or insubstantial that may be.

So thank you, you faithful few. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for letting me know that somebody's listening to what I have to offer. It helps to think that I might be connecting with someone, somewhere.

Posted at 9:47 PM

 

February 4, 2002

I talked to Christiana this evening. She's enjoying Brighton (and pretty much everything about England), and it helped to hear her this evening. I've still been pretty depressed ... in fact, I almost didn't get out of bed this morning. It took me over two hours, but I got up. I couldn't do nothing, though. My head is just filled with this jumble of memories and ideas of sad things, and whenever I try to get a happy image in there it just backfires and leads to the realization that the person have that happy moment isn't in my life anymore or how that happy moment was just kind of a blindspot before I realized how fucked up things were.

Well, calling Christiana helped. Funny - she's thousands of miles away and yet she's closer to me than anybody else. It's a shame she isn't a guy. But that might even screw things up, so forget I said that. She's having so much fun there, and I'm happy for her. It makes me happy to hear her happy. Sometimes that's all I really need.

Back when I was a sophomore in high school (in the Dark Ages ... back before I accepted being gay ... back when I thought I deserved the abuse I got at home ... ), I dated a girl named Valerie who once came up with a metaphor for our relationship that has always seemed to describe how I am emotionally. She said I was like a fountain. I spread my love and joy and happiness out in a beautiful, warm spray that touched everyone around me and gave them what they needed. But those same people who basked in my glory also fed me with their own love and support and warmth. They gave me what I needed to survive and to give to them. Without what they had to give, I would be like a fountain that had run dry of water. I would have nothing to give out to those around me, and eventually my motor would burn out. Well at the time, it was an analogy that was beautiful because I was a working fountain. Now ... well, I'm not getting what I need and I'm struggling to give anything out. Maybe I'm broken, maybe it's me, but I can't keep going without input and support from around me. I's just made that way. I need that support.

And Christiana is one of the few people who gives me some support. She doesn't always succeed. In fact sometimes she seems like she's scooping buckets out of me at a time, but those moments are fortunately rare. The vast majority of times she is trying desperately to give me some support even though I'm running bone dry. It's moments like that, moments like today, when I can't believe how lucky to have her as one of my few real friends. Some days I feel so empty that nothing she does makes me feel like I'm getting anything, and a lot of the time I just want to give up. But she keeps trying. Even with as little as I sometimes give back. She gets frustrated sometimes, but she always comes back as supportive as ever, and that's what it means to be a real friend.

Thanks, Christiana. I know you don't hear that enough.

Posted at 8:22 PM

 

February 3, 2002

You go, Al Gore!

Yesterday Al Gore held a political dinner during which he criticized George W. Bush for the miserable deterioration he has allowed and fostered in the economy. Gore was careful to assure people that he felt Bush was doing okay with the war, but he slammed Bush on the downturn in the economy, poor spending policies, poor economic forecasts, and the administration's handling of Enron. Gore had last been seen at a Democratic fundraiser in late September where it was believed he was going to criticize Bush for just about these same things, but that was about a week after the September 11th attacks and Gore is always careful to put Americans first, so he spent that press time saying that Bush was doing well in his response to terrorism. I still think that Gore would have handled things differently (maybe even better), but he didn't really have much choice but react the way he did. Any bad faith in Bush would have been politically damaging to him at that time.

The problem now is that, even though he is absolutely right about Bush screwing up the economy and probably being involved in an Enron cover-up, Gore will find few listeners since people seem to think that since GW Bush can spend millions a day on missiles and effectively obliterate all life in Afghanistan, he must be an okay guy. I mean, the government is telling everybody that they're all evil over there, right? So blow them all to hell, right? Well, you know that I don't buy any of that crap, but sadly a hell of a lot of people do. That's why Bush has such high approval polls. My hope is that Al Gore won't give up and will keep hammering at the American public until they realize just how badly Bush is screwing up the one thing that will really affect their daily lives - the economy. It's ironic, really, that Gore can practically use that same old Clinton line to Bush when the 2004 Presidential Elections come around - "It's the economy, stupid!" Hee, hee!! I can hardly wait!

But like I say, Al Gore has a tough road ahead. As boring as he is, I've always been impressed by Gore by his words, his actions, and his voting record. I hope he keeps fighting the good fight, even if he might not stand a chance to win the next Presidential race. Sometimes winning isn't the most important thing.

Posted at 11:16 PM

 

February 2, 2002

Have I mentioned recently that being alone sucks? Okay, so maybe I have, but it still sucks, and it's hard to just block it out of your thoughts. Sometimes I think that nothing else matters but having someone in your life. Inn fact, most of the time I'm actually sure that all that matters is having someone in your life. Money, fame, nice things ... even experience, knowledge, friends, family, and and community ... who the fuck cares about any of those things if they're alone. For some people, family actually helps, maybe even does to the whole thing, but for me (and for most people), family is more harm than help. And I used to think that friends were the best thing in the world, supplementing a loved one if you have one and filling the emptiness you would feel without someone special, but even as much as I'm willing to put into a friendship, nobody else seems to be willing to devote that much of themselves. I think the way I always looked at friends was the way most people look at a loved one - someone you'd do anything for, even die for, and someone you want to be around constantly. That was my big failure. Friends just aren't that way. In fact, even if I would give fully of myself, I would always wind up empty and lonely because my 'friend' would never give me even a small portion of that back. And why should they, I guess. They just think of a friend as someone to spend time with when they're bored. The fault was mine for expecting more. And now all of those "friends" have found a loved one and spend all of their time with that person and couldn't care less about whether I live or die. And still, that's my fault. If I had done the same as them I wouldn't have given so much to them. In fact, I wouldn't have given them any of my time at all if I had known they would give me nothing back. I would have instead used all of my energy to look for someone to love and cherish and give everything I could to.

And the irony is that now those "friends" are out of my life and I should be able to put my energy toward finding my love, but instead I wind up fighting against my depression and loneliness. Maybe if I hadn't wasted all of that time when I was young I wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe I would have found someone to stay with me for a lifetime, but who's to know? All I know is that now that I've figured out where I stand and what a friend is, I'm older and more cynical and jaded and tired. I've lost hope and, heck, I'm not the same hopeful, determined, exuberant guy I was ten or even twenty years ago. And I'll never get that back either.

I just hope I can pull things together and find someone to love. I still have a lot of love to give. It actually hurts to have nobody to give that love, and it seems like a tragedy to know that people are being mistreated all over the world and I would readily hold them and hug them and give myself over to making both of us happy. It's a dangerous road to walk because even if I found someone willing to accept my love I'd still have to find someone who would return my love, and that really leaves me wondering how to get things to come together.

But anymore I just want another chance to try. Maybe I'm a fool to invite the same heartache as the past, but I need to give out my love. It's as important as anything I could ever do in my life.

Posted at 9:53 PM

 

February 1, 2002

The drive to school yesterday was pretty unnerving, and the drive back wasn't too much better. We had this freak ice storm last night that continued into the day, and power lines were getting snapped everywhere in Toledo. Some of the problem was the ice coating the lines themselves, but most of the problem was due to tree branches that got laden with ice and just snapped off, taking power lines with them. The power here at the Arts Center was going on and off all morning as I got ready to go to classes. In fact, by the time I got back to Toledo late in the evening (about 10 PM), there were still areas I drove through that were blacked out. According to the evening news, 70,000 people were still without power last night, and the evening news today even noted that over 35,000 were still without power. They weren't calling this the worst ice storm in seven years for no reason.

This all reminded me of the ice storms that used to hit Lafayette, Indiana. They were an annual thing, and they always put the city in chaos ... every damn year. As I was thinking about this, two things occurred to me. First - how stupid are we as humans that we let the same damn things happen year after year without being prepared and having contingency plans? Secondly (and more importantly) - are human beings greedy and stupid enough to deny their abilities of foresight? I mean, after years of ice storms in the Midwest, you'd think people would do something so that power lines didn't get snapped and leave thousands of people without power. Maybe, just maybe, they could bury the power lines. <GASP!>

Really, it amazes me. Not only would burying power lines solve the ice storm problem, but it would clean up visibility, lessen deforestation by obviating the need for telephone poles (telephone and cable lines could (and should) also be underground, and most phone lines are), and it would remove the dangers of potential cancer-causing magnetic fields which some studies have proven emanate from power lines and utility towers. So if there are all of these benefits (and a bunch of others I haven't mentioned) then why don't humans bury power lines. Simple - greed.

People want everything they can get their hands on right now. Burying power lines would be a large initial expense that nobody wants to face. The fact that studies have proven that those expenses would be balanced out in just two or three years and then have nominal costs thereafter is completely unimportant to people because they don't want to miss out on any cash now.

This is the same logic that allows the world's fossil fuels to be depleted, various species to be made extinct, the rainforests to be destroyed, the ozone layer to be eliminated, people of the world to starve, dictators to be allowed to commit genocide, and corruption to exist at all levels of society. It's all just due to greed and stupidity. Fixing things now might cost a bit - it might even be a bit of trouble - but it will be worth in in the not-too-long run, and may well be so important in the future that no acting now could leave us with a situation in a few years that not only would cost more to solve but that might be too far gone to even be solvable at all.

Break free from the herd. Think for yourself. And think about the future when you do things. Some thing cheap and easy right now is almost sure to have a big pricetag waiting in the future.

Posted at 8:59 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © February 2002