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May 2002

 

May 31, 2002

I have been playing Civ III a lot lately, spending hour upon hour trying to Take Over THE WORLD ... Muah-hah-hah-ha!!! Or, um, strategically building a nation peacefully - yeah, that's it! Anyhow, I've been playing a lot, having lots of fun, being completely distracted (which is exactly what I'm looking for right now), and spending my time in my bedroom/office studios (which is down the hall and separate from my living room/kitchen studio, which is where the phone happens to be). It's no big deal one way or the other except that today there was a call <gasp> <shock>, which is indeed unusual since I don't get many calls anymore since I stopped being the one to maintain all of my "friendships" (that means that it was completely one-sided since nobody (except my dear friend Christiana, who is even on a different continent) ever calls me to even say 'Hello'). Now granted, the ubiquitous telemarketers invariably call, but they don't really call that much, and they never leave messages. And today there was actually a message.

So I'm sure you're thinking, "Big deal, you got a phone message. Who gives a fuck?" Well, most of the time I'd agree, and even as pathetic as my life can be at times I wouldn't bore you with any average (even if rare) message. Today the message was from Erik. Also known as Steve. Also known as Serek. Also known as Guthrie. Once my partner in crime, and once my friend and roommate for many year. We were both in various college organizations together. He even worked for me at Kinko's for a while. And he's a major figure in my life just for his mutual involvement in so many significant events in my life. And I loved him very much. In fact the truth is that I still love him, but I hate him as well.

Erik makes me long to have him around so we can spend time together, and he makes me still want to be close to him. Not a sexual thing at all, but a very close bond that might as well be the same thing for the way it makes me feel about him. But Erik is a selfish bastard who both consciously and unconsciously uses people and gives nothing back. I have spent years trying to avoid that part of who Erik is, and I have spent years trying to even just accept him for who and what he is, and the end result is that I end up being left hurt and sad and angry at both him and myself and wishing that I had never met him. The last time he was in town (about a year ago) I was very depressed and alone. He came on a typical (for him) whirlwind weekend visit where I ended up seeing him for only a couple of hours and feeling like shit when it was over. That particular time, I was very upset but hoping that I could really sit down for a long talk with Erik and get some things out and talked about. Instead, Erik told me only shortly after we got together that he didn't want to see me if I was going to be depressed, and he didn't think he'd ever visit me again because it just wasn't worth his while. While this should have made me angry, it instead devastated me to think that I'd never again see someone I loved deeply. I actually cried in front of him in the restaurant, and I rarely lose control so much that I cry in public or in front of people I know. Erik was less than sympathetic but did at least stay a little while longer after I got myself pulled together. When he left, he said that he would be in Detroit in less than a month and would stop by to see me, and if that got canceled he would call.

And of course here I am having not heard from him since that time. I'm actually incredibly surprised that he even called, to be quite honest, but there it is, digitally recorded on my answering machine for posterity (at least until I erase it). He says that he'll be in town on Sunday and wants to get everyone together for dinner. I'm not even sure that I want to see Erik, knowing how it's bound to end up, but I even less want to be a participant in some "planned event" of a dinner or whatever where not only Erik but all of my other "friends" will sit around a table for the requisite two hours, acting as if we have been seeing each other all the time and nothing has ever changed between us, and then disappearing off the face of the earth, never giving a second thought about ever contacting me again. And yes, part of me wants to have that feeling of being back with "the gang," but I just can't get over the fact of knowing that none of that exists anymore and that I'll be miserable for days and days after it's all over.

But then again I'm likely to be miserable if I don't go, wondering just what might have happened. And while I haven't decided just exactly what I'm going to do for certain, one thing's for sure - I'll hate my life and what things have become one way or the other.

Posted at 10:46 PM

 

May 30, 2002

So I'm watching television this morning as I shave (I use an electric razor, and I usually just casually watch something ("The Cosby Show," in this case) while I zip off the bristles), and there is a Special News Report about the removal of the last beam at the site of the former World Trade Centers. Call me insensitive if you like, but it's just shock journalism in my mind to spend 45 minutes in something that could easily be covered in simply a passing mention on the Noon and nightly news programs. I mean it's a steel beam, for goodness sake. I understand the significance of the site and everything, but there's a point where it's just simply insensitive to keep forcing every American to think about the event over and over again with frightening frequency and regularity. After a while the networks just end up making coverage of September 11th seem like coverage of the OJ trial, and I'm sorry but it's just wrong to try to sell viewing time by morbidly reminding people about how, when, and where thousands of people died.

The people of this country have a sick desire to see tragedy and suffering, and the television networks fully play into that. Maybe I should blame the masses for wanting to see such things, but I blame the networks for showing it. After all, if school's taught what their students wanted, all they would teach would be sex. And if libraries filled their shelves with what is most wanted by the public, all we could read would be romance novels and porn. But there is a conscious decision on their part not to bow to the common denominator, to try to lift up the masses and offer what will have broad appeal but still have a moral and rational basis. Network television should have no less lofty goal. Television was once considered the nation's greatest resource, and what is it now? If television is our greatest national resource in this day and age then we are in serious trouble.

SO do what you can. Chose not to watch. Make a stand. The networks should be responsible and ethical of their own volition, but since they aren't, let's nudge them a bit where it hurts them most - their pocketbooks. If you don't watch, the advertisers won't pay as much (or will choose to advertise during other programs), and the networks will make some programming changes. And if they don't, at least you can have some satisfaction that you're standing up for something proper. And maybe you don't care. That's okay, too, but at least recognize that the networks are simply pushing sensationalism - not solid journalism.

Posted at 10:09 PM

 

May 29, 2002

Blarg. Life still sucks.

Posted at 8:18 PM

 

May 28, 2002

Today was a real roller coaster of emotions. I woke up with my fingers still tingling and bothering me, and that just ... bothered me. Then, after a quick shower, I helped Lee in the office here at the Arts Center with a computer problem that was annoyingly time-consuming to find. I finally got that done, but it took forever. Then I had all sorts of fun driving my car around ass I ran errands since the engine is so well-tuned right now, and that got me invigorated and happy. Then I saw a very old acquaintance that I used to work with quite a number of years ago and we spoke for quite a while. That made me nostalgic and comfortably happy. But then I went grocery shopping and saw this really (and I mean really) hot guy ... with his girlfriend ... as if he'd even look twice at me even if he didn't have a girlfriend. And of course that got me down. But then I was really enjoying this ELO CD and some of my old favorites, and that made me content again. But the I saw another really hot guy walking down the street in a tight, white sleeveless T-shirt ... and I again just got sad that I not only don't have anybody close to that, but I probably never will. And then I got back into an ELO song before I got parked in the lot. And then some guy tried the old "my car just down the street has a flat and I need $2 or a ride to get some fix-a-flat" and that just pissed me off because I've played the nice guy on this scam too often and never fail to be burned. This time I just wanted to go inside and put stuff away and eat the Chinese take-out I'd bought at the grocery. So I was a bit miffed already, and running loads of groceries and stuff up three flights of stairs and running back down for more, and Lee (from the office at the Arts Center) drove in and not only wanted to talk my ear off but wanted to draw me into the middle of this big conflict of a number of members of the board of directors. So by the time I got away from Lee I was pretty pissed off and frustrated. So I got the last of my stuff, hauled it all upstairs, put everything away, and got to eat (Yea!). Christiana had left a message to call her back in London while I was away, so I wanted to get back to her but I also wanted to check about an update that I was e.mailed about regarding my financial aid. The info is online only during limited hours, so I looked it up and found out that I'm getting screwed a bit. So that both depressed me and pissed me off. Then I got around to calling Christiana, and she had me sorting through mail and magazines and stuff to decide what I should box up (along with some film and other goodies) to ship to her in England. It was nice to talk to Christiana, and it was okay to sift through things, but it made me miss Christiana when the call ended. Not too long after that I grabbed Heather and brought her back to my room to show her that the PowerPuff Girls were on the WB in Detroit at 4:30 Monday through Friday (we don't have cable, and Heather just loves the PowerPuff Girls). But Heather needed to get her studio cleaned up before Chris got back from work, so she borrowed my vacuum and left me alone again. And that depressed me a bit, even though it shouldn't probably have. And then I watched the PowerPuff Girls for myself, and that made me laugh and relax. And then I went back to my Civ III game, where I have grown to be a sprawling superpower by only 1500 AD, and I had grown my civilization in complete peace for the whole 3500 years - until today. The English, and then later the Zulus, declared war on me after I had been quite nice to them as neighbors for years. So I decided to fight back, but I hadn't been gearing my nation for war, so I had to retool and make some big changes. That all just aggravated me, but then I started beating the shit out of both the English and the Zulus and taking over city after city from each opponent (and that struggle is likely to continue for quite a while because both of those nations are aggressive but also don't know when to cut their losses). And then here I am now, watching reruns, typing up this Journal entry, and feeling just empty and alone and not really liking life much at all.

And that's my day in a nutshell. There was actually more than that interspersed throughout, but even with the highlights you get the picture. I would have been better off just to have stayed locked away in my rooms today, and then I wouldn't have gone through this emotional horror. ... well, maybe not, anyway.

Posted at 9:12 PM

 

May 27, 2002

Last night I spent a short time (only about a half hour) with Chris and Heather. I found out that grades were online, and I figured they would like to check (I, by the way, got all 'A's, which was a real shock to me since I failed to turn in one of my big final projects and expected that to really hurt my final grade even though I had done so well in the class otherwise. But who am I to complain?). Chris and Heater both did very well, a testament to how intelligent they both are. They will both likely graduate with better GPA's than me, in fact. Also, Heather gave me PowerPuff Girl magnets that she had made for me to put on my refrigerator. They rock! Before we went our separate ways for the evening I invited them to a late lunch today as a holiday treat for all of us.

So at about 4 PM we got on our way (in my newly returned car, which runs great thank you very much). I thought they'd enjoy both the food and the view of Cousino's Navy Bistro, a great restaurant in Toledo's International Park, a park and entertainment development created by the city on the bank of the Maumee River directly across the river from downtown Toledo. It's a great view of the skyline, and with open doors, great weather, tasty food, and good conversation, it was an awesome meal. We spent a while on the docks outside of the restaurant for Chris and Heather to smoke and for all of us to enjoy the view and the (finally!) nice Spring weather.

After leaving International Park, I suggested ice cream. I mean, hell, it's Memorial Day - if you don't have a barbecue you at least have to have ice cream! So I drove us to Friendly's and we all slurped up some excellent shakes on a picnic table outside (although I must admit that the term "double-thick" that Friendly's claims for it's milkshakes is highly misleading). With that I think we were all quite full and content, so I drove us back to the Arts Center and we went our separate ways for the rest of the evening.

In all, I only spent 3 hours with Heather and Chris, but it was just the kind of companionship I had been hoping for today. It was just a nice relaxed time, and that's the way things should be. At least in my book.

Posted at 10:21 PM

 

May 26, 2002

Oy! It's cold! Most of the day was great, but it has gotten cold this evening, and the boilers seem to have been turned off for the heat here at the Art Center. Even I, who am usually quite warm just from my own body, am a bit chilly.

And on top of that I have had this weird thing with my fingers since late last night. The ends of my fingers tingle, as if they had fallen asleep and were just waking up - you know, the feeling you have when your blood isn't circulating properly for some reason. Actually this should probably concern me considering the history of cardiovascular problems in my family, but it has really just been occasionally annoying or distracting. And maybe it's the cold or something. The moon's been full, maybe it's the pull of the extra gravity from the full moon (this is actually a real thing (the extra pull of gravity) even if it isn't what's affecting my fingers). Who knows? I just wish it would go away. It bugs me.

But other than that it's been a very relaxed day full of watching political news programs, kicking ass at Civ III, and reading a bunch of new chapters on various web stories I follow. It's a darned good way to spend Memorial Day weekend. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get Chris and Heather to join me for something fun. Maybe lunch or dinner or a movie or ... anything. I just have to get out of here and hopefully have some human contact. I don't have feelings of loneliness like I often do, but I really long for some conversation and closeness. We'll see.

Posted at 10:12 PM

 

May 25, 2002

After the fiasco of getting my car yesterday, I had a few other errands to run, one of which was picking up prescriptions for Christiana. The pharmacist obviously studied at the same efficiency school as the people who serviced my car, and I was waiting forever. While I was patient for a little while, I eventually picked up a few things that caught my eye. It's a curse to be bored and find cheap things that you know a friend will enjoy - and that was the inspiration for the gifts I bought for Heather and Chris. Once I finally got back to the Arts Center, I I gave them their gifts and we chatted for a little while. They ended up inviting me to join them later in the evening on a trip to the Art Museum.

A couple of hours later they found me and off we went. Now for those of you who have never been to the Toledo Museum of Art, it is an amazing collection of acclaimed art by a variety of artists in a variety of fields. The Toledo Art Museum is regularly noted as one of the five best museums of art in the nation, and has been praised by visiting foreign dignitaries (like the President of France and the President of Spain, each of whom have visited Toledo in the last six years and have claimed that the museum is a world-class museum that is amazing for a city of Toledo's size). Having visited all of the Museums in Chicago, Cleveland, Washington DC, Cincinnati, Columbus, Boston, and smaller venues (not to say that there aren't a lot of other great museums in the country), I am always awed by the works we have here available to be seen for free.

Among the better ideas that the Toledo Museum of Art has developed over the last few years, they have a big event every Friday evening and stay open until 10 PM. This "It's Friday" program usually involved some form of musical performance (although that does sometimes vary), anything from a visiting famous musician to a choral sequence to a small group of performers drawn from the Toledo Symphony Orchestra. It is always wonderful. I haven't been to an "It's Friday" event in a long time, and I was sorry I hadn't been. The music was very unusual and erratic, frenzied almost, as it came from the classical quintet, but it was really very wonderful. Chris thought that it was a bit creepy, but Heather and I both enjoyed it thoroughly.

We also got a chance to walk through most of the museum. As has been the case each of the last half dozen times I have gone, everything is changed. The museum has a huge collection, and they rotate exhibit pieces with great frequency, often changing the layout of entire rooms in the process. This time, not only was there a change in what was displayed but a large number of recent acquisitions (donated or purchased within the last three years) that were completely new and interesting. In fact a number of the new pieces were simply fabulous - a new Rembrant, a new Pablo Picasso, and all sorts of new pieces in nearly every major area. It was great.

Chris and Heather are both quite well-informed about art history (far better than me), and that was definitely the case last night, but I had quite an advantage with my familiarity with the stock of exhibit pieces that the museum has displayed over the years. Well, ... maybe at least I was better off than I would have been in another museum anyhow. At least I didn't come off as a total idiot. And it was an enjoyable time at that. Hopefully there will be more of these.

Posted at 9:38 PM

 

May 24, 2002

Well, after just less than two weeks, I finally got my car back from the service department at my dealership. I'm still debating whether this whole episode is an example of just how inept the American workforce can be or if it's an example of how much drama and soap-opera-style my life brings to everything that happens around me.

As some few of you readers may remember (those of you who, for some reason, actually follow what's going on in my life ... pathetic as it is), I had prepared on the 13th to run errands when I found that my car wouldn't start. Apparently the dome light had accidentally been slipped on, and the drain to my battery over three cold days that the car sat idle was enough to suck all of the juice out of my battery and leave me potentially stranded. Not to fear, I thought at the time, I'll just get Robert (the handyman at the building) to help and give me a jump start. It was a great idea in theory, but the car wouldn't turn over, even though it was clear the jump was sending plenty of power through. So I made arrangements to have the car towed to my dealership and had them figure out not only this battery issue but the problem I had been experiencing just a couple weeks earlier where the engine was riding rough (I had held off on taking the car to the shop because I worried I wouldn't get it right back and would miss some of my final classes). Seeing as it was a Monday when all of this happened, I knew that there service department would have already scheduled their day full and would be lucky even to get me in on Tuesday. I explained that I understand they might take a couple of days to get to it, but to try to get me in as soon as possible.

Well, I didn't hear anything that day, Tuesday, or Wednesday. On Thursday, hoping that they hadn't forgotten me, I called in the afternoon to see what was up. Apparently they had pulled it in just that morning and were trying to recharge my battery. As far as I was concerned this was a lost cause and I told them as much, but they still wanted to try even though I explained that I didn't mind buying a new battery. So anyhow, I didn;t hear anything again until I decided to call late Friday, knowing that they weren't open on the weekends and my car would continue to sit unless they figured something out. I was told that they had determined I would need a new battery (duh!) and a new alternator. I wasn't so sure about the alternator because I've had alternators go bad before and they give off warning signs but I'd had none of that this time. But they told me that my extended warranty would cover all but a $50 deductible on the alternator (and would also cover the $60 tow since I had a covered replacement, thus actually saving me money by getting the alternator replaced), and since my extended warranty ends in September I figured getting a new alternator now (for free) wasn't really a bad thing. Then they told me that they didn't have either the battery or alternator in stock and it would take two days to get them in (and why they wouldn't have batteries in stock is beyond me). I then asked what they could tell me about the engine performance issue and was told that they couldn't get an even enough current through the car to check things until the new parts were installed. He also mentioned that since the battery had died completely, all of the service codes that had been recorded in the computer were lost, so they would have to approach it from scratch. So I was stuck. I just okayed it and sat back to wait.

So then the following Tuesday night at 7 PM I got an automated call from the parts department that my parts were in and I should call the service department to make an appointment to bring my car in (?). Of course the service department closes at 6 PM, so I had to wait 'til the following day. Early the next day at 9 AM I called and the service manager told me that they were just pulling my car out of the service bay to send it on a quality run to check performance. The battery and alternator were in (and wipers replaced, which was a separate issue), and everything worked fine. I asked about the issue of the car riding rough and the service manager, who I had been dealing with from the moment I first brought the car in, said "What?" as if he had no idea what I'm talking about. I explained it all once again, and he said that that was likely just a result of the alternator issue. I expressed my doubt since there were no electrical issues before the battery drained, just the engine performance issue. He assured me that if there were any problems they would find them in the test drive, but he was certain I would have my car back by Noon. That was Wednesday morning.

I spent all day Wednesday with the phone at my side. At about 6:30 PM, knowing they ere closed, I put the phone back in it's cradle and noticed I had a message. Apparently the service manager had called just after 5:30 PM when I had run to the bathroom, and left a message that there was indeed a problem with the engine "missing" (firing irregularly in the cylinders), but they hadn't figured it out yet even though they had worked on it all day. The idea that I would have the car back before the weekend was quickly fading away.

So all day Thursday I head nothing. Today at 11 AM, figuring they had had plenty of time to at least have some idea what was going on, I called to get an update. Apparently the tech had replaced my spark plugs, hoping that was it (which it wasn't, but they gave me the new plugs for free anyhow) and had done a few other things. They had eliminated the major problem but were still trying to isolate the "shake" that the car had at highway speeds. Well, I have had suspicions since I bought the car (I got it used three years ago from this same dealership) that it had been in an accident with the first owner. I had always figured the "shake" was a result of a slightly bent frame or a slightly shifted remounting of something - the kind of thing that is common in a car after a significant accident. It's no big deal, really. Heck, it's a sports car so you expect a bit of vibration and road noise anyhow. So I explained my thoughts that it might have been in an accident and he agreed that that might explain it. He added that their only remaining idea was a suspicion that the "shake" might originate from the transmission or the clutch. I explained that they (the dealership) had actually rebuilt the transmission shortly after I got the car (thank you, extended warranty!), and the "shake" had always been there. I did add that the clutch had never been replaced to my knowledge, so that could be it. He then added that the only way to know for sure was to drop the whole transmission and examine everything. I declined, knowing that this would be way expensive and way time consuming (and wasn't even definitely necessary). I added that unless they had any other ideas I could take the car back and wait until the problem arose again (it had been omnipresent but became more pronounced one day before nearly disappearing the next). The service manager suggested that I might as well pick it up if I wasn't worried about the "shake" because everything else was ready. He assured me that he just had to finish the paperwork and it would be done as soon as I could get there. I said I wouldn't even leave here (the Arts Center) before Noon.

So at Noon I got a ride from Cebrina, from the office, out to the dealership. I told her just to go on back and I would join her later (I had promised to help fold newsletters for the Arts Center). I got to the cashier and they couldn't find my paperwork. And my service manager had gone to lunch. So I wait. After a little while the cashier finds out that another girl in the office is working with the contract work on my payments (for the extended warranty) and apparently the numbers aren't matching right. So I wait. And eventually I get my paperwork, pay $304 (which would have been $784 without the extended warranty), and get my car pulled around so I can leave. I drive the car out of the lot with everything off, listening to the engine and seeing how it performs. It seems to run great (and the wipers work well, too), so I pull into the K-mart lot just up the street, figuring I'll readjust my seat and the stereo settings and such. Except the stereo won't turn on. Or the air conditioner. Or the rear defroster. Or the cruise control. Hmmm. So back I go.

I get back and drive right into service. My service manager is still at lunch, but another service manager tries to help. He seems surprised at the situation, but looks up the tech that worked on the car,l figuring he'll be up on what's going on. Except the tech seems to be at lunch, so the service manager asks if I can wait 'til he gets back. Well, where else am I going to go? So I sit in the waiting room watching CNN and reading TIME. After a while (45 minutes), my service manager comes in (back from lunch) and explains that the tech took the day off early and that he (the service manager) had checked things out himself. He had found a blown fuse and got everything to work except he needed my stereo face to check that it worked. We went out, inserted the face, and ... nothing. And we tried again and again. He checked all of the fuses. And still nothing. So then he says that since I had an aftermarket stereo installed by someone other than their dealership that they weren't responsible. I countered with the fact that it worked fine before I brought it in (which he pointed out was actually prior to the battery going dead, but we didn't argue that point). He finally suggested that I take it to the car stereo shop I had used and see what they could tell me. If it was the dealership's fault they would take care of whatever was needed.

So off I went to the car stereo shop. After getting passed from one person to another until I was actually talking to an installer, I got him to come out to the car. He immediately went in after I had explained things, turned on the key, and pressed the button for the dome lights and got ... nothing. And apparently that's where part of the stereo's power is routed. So with many thanks I was back to the dealership. I explained the situation and was back to the waiting room for more storied from TIME. After another wait I was brought back out to a properly performing stereo. Apparently yet another fuse had been blown, this one somehow having eluded the service manager before. But I was good to go. And it only took until 3:30 PM. Not bad overall (just three hours), but certainly not the "just finishing the paperwork" deal I had expected. In fact the whole day was pushed back (and everything else I did seemed to have this same drawn out effect all day). But at least I have the car back.

And hey, I got a mail-in thing so I can get a free tire gauge from Daimler-Chrysler. Not bad for $304, twelve days without a car, and three hours waiting around. Not bad at all. Yeah.

Posted at 11:46 PM

 

May 23, 2002

"There's a time, and the time is now and it's right for me. It's right for me, and the time is now.
There's a word, and the word is love and it's right for me. It's right for me, and the word is love."
- Yes

Posted at 8:46 PM

 

May 22, 2002

Don't ya just hate it when everybody else gangs up against you in a game? Usually when you're doing well but leaving them alone?

I jumped back into playing Civilization III today, needing to feel some sense of success since my car is still in the shop after a week and a half (but hey, they finally got a new battery put into it today, so at least they managed to fix that after only eight business days). I was doing really well. I had been relatively isolated on this one continent, and I was content with that. I was taking real pleasure from researching new scientific discoveries and building up my cities and infrastructure. I was hauling ass for technology and cultivation. I had also met every other civilization on the planet, traded with some, and set up a peace treaty with one. I managed to avoid war for a long time, trying to be nice and set up trade and exchange scientific knowledge. And I was the wealthiest and most developed of the nations, even though I wasn't that far ahead in technology and even though I was less populous (and on a smaller land mass) than just about everybody else. But even with being nice and not seeming big and threatening, the Japanese just kept attacking. They'd hit me; I'd hit back (just at sea; I never took the fight to their continent even though they attacked my lands). After I hit back they'd ask for peace 'cause I slaughtered them. But they kept coming back over and over. At one point, after a long time of peace, they attacked me and brought in almost every other civilization as allies against me (all but the Chinese, who had a peace-treaty agreement with me). I was shocked since I had never attacked or even retaliated against anyone but the Japanese, and I was certainly no threat. But the Japanese kept coming until I was just sick of it and started putting my money and infrastructure to work. I built up such a large, technologically superior navy (technologically and numerically superior to everyone else combined) that I got them held back from landing troops on my continent and had their navies in shambles. I sought out the Japanese to offer peace and they refused. And then the Chinese joined them in war against me. The traitors! Well, better money or not, I was screwed. Me against a whole world of opponents was not pretty. I spent a long time trying to fight, and I eventually got to the point that I had decimated most of the Japanese cities with offshore bombardment (and they simply had no navy since I destroyed everything they launched). I even kept the other nations at bay on the open seas, but I never took the fight to them , hoping that they might still accept peace. No such luck. Eventually they all launched a combined effort of naval and ground assault troops that was amazing. I fought off and destroyed all of the troops that landed, but it became obvious I could never win. After a while, attrition would make me fall.

So, keeping in mind that that game had been a 'practice' run on the new version and it had started as a tutorial, I started a new game. I've only gotten to about 200 AD, but I already have nearly three times the cities I had at the end of the last game. I'm focusing on expansion rather than city improvements, infrastructure, and major projects, and while it may be a gamble that will hurt me in the long run, it's been interesting so far. That's where I'm at now. It's funny, but I've always liked the building part of Civ but disliked the wars. After a while no amount of diplomacy stops the other nations. It's aggravating but sadly true-to-life. And the funniest thing of all is that war makes as little sense in the game as it does in real life.

Posted at 9:36 PM

 

May 21, 2002

For most of the day today, around a little TV, food, and music, I have been playing Civilization III on my PowerBook, the newest version of the ever-popular strategy game. For me, Civilization is more than just the simple fun that computer gamers have enjoyed for a number of years. For me, Civilization hearkens back to the days when computer games were pretty lame and required a lot of imagination and patience. True gaming back then came in a number of forms, but one of the best was the classic Avalon Hill board game Civilization. Much like the original Civilization computer game (and its successors), the board game was the inspiration for Sid Meier's success.

The original game was pretty complex as board games go, asking you to juggle resources, trade resources with other players, figure out how to survive natural disasters like famine and plague, and expand your civilization without pissing off too many other players too much and starting a deadly war. All of the elements of that original game are in the computer game, but Meiers added a bit more to make things move into modern times. After all, the original game ended after the Iron Age; that was a big part of the game. It was more of a race for who could advance fastest through the epochs. And that could often take a session of gaming that could take twelve or more straight hours to complete. By the end of that everyone would be so slap happy that you would have to watch others to make sure they didn't cause an "earthquake" and shake the board up so much to make continuing impossible (hey, when some people want to go to bed, they want to go to bed).

Anyhow, Civilization was a favorite for me in Junior High and High School (that's back in the Stone Age of 1979-1985). Since then I've bought every version of Civilization for the Mac not long after it has come out. I have yet to be disappointed. Now don't get me wrong - I really liked Civ II but a number of things were just screwy in the interface and the way things were set up. You could certainly get by, but it took away some of the fun because things just were rough to manipulate and other things just dragged out the processes of the game.

In this new version I have yet to find anything I really dislike. The new interface is much cleaner, much easier to use, and things flow much more quickly and smoothly. And the new additions of resource gathering and full diplomacy and everything else add a whole new dimension to the game. It's not exactly harder now (of course I've just been playing in the easiest mode following what began as a tutorial game, so maybe I shouldn't say that), but there's a lot more to think about now. Even better than the new and improved things are the removal or limitation of things from the last version that just made things somehow too easy or unfair about how they went. And a whole lot of things have been changed so that they're more realistic and fair.

Now granted, I spent over seven hours at play today, and I proceeded from 4000 BC to just past 1900 AD, but I've still got a lot of playtime even just in this particular game. And to think, this was really just screwing around to get used to the new features and all of the changes.

Just wait 'til I play the real deal!

Posted at 9:51 PM

 

May 20, 2002

Heather and I walked over to the grocery store today. My car doesn't look like it will be out of the shop any time soon, and we both needed groceries. And Heather and Chris didn't know where the grocery stores were, so this took care of a bunch of needs. You have to keep in mind that I live in the inner city, though, and an older neighborhood at that. Luckily, a full-service supermarket was built nearby less than a year ago, but nearby is still about six blocks away. I had never been to this new Farmer Jack before, and it has been about 16 years since I was last in a Farmer Jack (Farmer Jack is based in Detroit and they once had a single location in Toledo when I first came here for college, but it closed soon after and they only started opening new locations in the last couple of years). Although I still like Food Town better (a local chain that has locations in northwest Ohio and southeast Michigan), this Farmer Jack was big, new, and full of all sorts of good stuff. And the people were very helpful in the Deli and Bakery sections. It was a nice experience. We each probably overdid things a bit considering how many bags of groceries we had to carry back, our circulation being stopped in our hands by the heavy drag on the plastic handles of the bags.

Better than getting groceries, though, was having an intelligent conversation with Heather on the way to and from the store. I haven't seen much of Heather in the week since she's been moved in, and this was a nice change. And hell - I needed a break from all of the stuff I've been doing on the computer for days, so this was actually very relaxing. I'm hoping that I'll see more of Heather and Chris now that we're all settled in and finally past all of our school obligations. But at the same time I'm determined to let them both have their space and not impose upon them. I don't like being alone, but I refuse to force myself on anyone. It would just be wrong.

So for now I'll keep myself amused. Tomorrow I am gleefully looking forward to spending the whole day just screwing around and playing computer games. It should be all sorts of joyous, mindless fun. And hey, that's what summer vacation is supposed to be all about.

Posted at 10:10 PM

 

May 19, 2002

Damn but I'm just bitchy about everything lately. Today I played with setting up my Windows emulator on my Mac. The emulator itself actually works incredibly well and has all sorts of new features and tools. I'm actually impressed because reviews hadn't generally been favorable for this new version. With those things said, however, today has been an exceptionally frustrating day.

It's Windows - it just plain sucks. The damn thing has all sorts of flaws, and it's amazing to me how long it takes to do something that would take a few minutes or so on a Mac. This new emulator I have comes with Windows XP, the newest Windows version. New obviously doesn't mean much, though, when you have to consider all of the updates that needed to be downloaded and installed to get it up to speed. And that in itself wouldn't even have been so bad if Windows would just properly install them and be done with it. But instead, the damn Windows update agent just stalls or crashes or acts like it's worked fine only to tell you, after you restart, that you need to download and install what just took a half hour to fuck around with before. And thank all that's good in the universe that I have a DSL line. If I had to run this stuff over a standard modem it would have taken days to complete. As it was, I still have all sorts of applications to install and update to have everything the way I want it. In some ways it's fun, playing with a new version of Windows and all, but mostly it's the same kind of frustrating crap I've come to expect from Microsoft (...you know what Microsoft always says - "It's not a bug; it's a feature!").

Among the amusing points of the day has been laughing at Windows XP - not for how it performs or anything because it's actually pretty decent as Windows versions go. What's funny is how many thing Microsoft did to change the appearance, processes, and features of the whole thing so that they look like what Apple has done with OS X, the newest version of the Mac OS. Microsoft is guilty of copying, though, because OS X was out well before XP, and the Beta version of OS X was in mass release for well over a year (nearly two years) before XP was released (or previewed) by Microsoft. And while part of me is disgusted by Microsoft stealing Apple's ideas once again and passing them off as their own, I'm used to that being the modus operandi of everything Microsoft ever does with anything. So rather than be angry, I just have to laugh since in this case it is just so blatantly obvious how distinctly they stole everything. It's just really silly.

So even though I'm still screwing around with this and still getting frustrated by those "charming" little quirks that Microsoft packs with Windows, I've been amused and interested with every step of it throughout the day (and I've even managed to read about half of a book during the time Windows has been downloading or installing things). So it's been a good day. Just long. But good.

Posted at 8:54 PM

 

May 18, 2002

Today is the third day I've had a migraine. The difference today is that it has lasted all day, not just coming and going, and I don't suppose I should necessarily be surprised. I've been updating all of my computer programs and doing back-ups (after having finished the e.mail and address book migrations to new programs), and I've been reading books during file transfer, downloads, and copying sessions (so much so that I've read four and a half short books in this time). All of this together, along with my normal surfing and reading of the web and various web stories, has really been straining my eyes, and the tension and concentration of it all has brought up this headache.

I'm pleased with the results. Anal and obsessive as I may be to be so thorough about organizing, updating, and backing-up my computer, I am quite happy to know that things are less likely to crash and that I'm covered with back-ups even if something does go wrong. It's just comforting to be safe, particularly considering I have had the misfortune of losing lots of data before where a back-up would have been a godsend. So I don't have a problem with why I got the headache, just that I have to endure it.

Fortunately, tomorrow should see the last of the computer work as I install a new version of Virtual PC, a program that emulates a PC on my Mac, complete with Windows XP. Past versions of the program have worked tremendously, and this new version has the advantage of running in the new Mac OS (OS X) as well as providing Windows XP, the newest Windows incarnation. I'm no fan of windows, but sometimes you just have to use it, and I like being able to just open it up on my Mac whenever I want. So setting up this new version tomorrow may almost be sort of fun.

And after that, I can just play for a while. It's time to start enjoying my summer vacation a bit. After this last week of projects, I think I deserve it.

Posted at 1:32 AM

 

May 17, 2002

"So I says to the guy, I says, 'Who the fuck cares, anyhow?' - You know what I mean?"

Somebody shoot me. Shoot me now.

Posted at 8:37 PM

 

May 16, 2002

Yeah, it's been one of those days. Did you see where I put the hemlock?

Posted at 9:02 PM

 

May 15, 2002

My mother visited today.

All together the visit included my mother, grandmother, and my sister's mother-in-law, none of whom I've seen for a while. I am not a big fan of visits by my mother because she invariably leaves me feeling angry, sad, guilty, or frustrated (and usually a combination of those things). As visits go, this wasn't all that bad. The highlight was that we went to the Toledo Zoo for a few hours of the afternoon.

If you haven't ever been, the Toledo Zoo is well worth the visit. It has consistently been ranked as one of the top five zoos in the nation, and it has been praised time and again for its pioneering design of natural environments for its animals and for its successful breeding of animals that rarely give birth in captivity. I always love going to the zoo because it not only has great facilities, realistic environments, and a wide variety of animals, but it's also just a very pretty place to walk. It has lots of landscaping and flowers and also has an abundance of people and kids who are just happy as can be. It's rare to see people happy, particularly when there are crowds around them, but I rarely see unhappy people at our zoo. All of these things together made today's trip decent. And helping my grandmother around in a wheelchair and getting to chat with her was nice, too.

In all, the day wasn't too bad. I hate my mother's visits because of how she leaves me feeling, but I could accept them more easily if they were more like today. That's not likely to happen, though. In fact, I suspect that my mother was intentionally on her best behavior since Haroldine (my sister's mother-in-law) was along with us, and my mother would be sure to 'make the right impression' (that means she would behave the way she knows she should but doesn't). So the next time my mother returns, it's likely to be annoyance as usual. But I have at least a month before that happens again. My mother, in her retirement, has far too many things to keep her too busy to visit anyhow. And that's just fine by me.

Posted at 10:41 PM

 

May 14, 2002

Ding dong the witch is dead! The e.mail witch is dead!

It only took three days around other things but it's finally done. I finished yesterday migrating my e.mail to the new e.mail program I want to use. Even better than expected, I not only now have all of my e.mail addresses being uploaded into one place, but I also have all of the e.mails I have ever sent or received (from every account and from every program I have ever used) all in one place and all readily accessible.

Better than all of that, I combined my e.mail address book, regular address book, and instant messaging lists into one new, multifunctional program - and the new address book program works in sync with the new e.mail program. So now I have the best tools possible, and they'll soon be getting better.

In about another month Apple is supposed to release a new version of Address Book which will expand on the potentials of what I've just set up, and they will also release iChat, a chat client that has lots of options including various imaging and swapping options. iChat will also work in sync with Address Book, so everything I've set up now will mean that all of the new toys will already be set up. It should be pretty sweet.

I love these new media tools that Apple is producing. They are easy to use, full of features, and take up very little harddrive space. I played around with iPhoto today and got a few thousand photos indexed and set for viewing in very little time. iTunes has been great for sorting and playing MP3's on my system. And I'm looking forward to playing with iDVD (and iMovie) later this summer. It's just so much geek fun!

So now that I've set up all of this stuff what do I do? Well fear not, I still have lots of anal, geeky tasks to go before I settle into more fun things like writing stories and stuff. Part of me (most of me, really) wants to play some games, go out about town, read, and write stories, but I know if I let go now and just start relaxing and enjoying then I'll never get back to these little projects I want and need to do. And besides, there's not all that much more that I want to go through - just a few more little updating and organizing projects.

But I'm still a geek either way. And I can live with that.

Posted at 8:49 PM

 

May 13, 2002

So there I am, ready to drive Chris to his new employer so he can fill out his initial paperwork and get everything settled for starting on Wednesday, followed by a quick trip to the main bus terminal to get Chris a bus schedule so he know what to do to get to work. We're set to go until my car won't turn over. The battery isn't completely dead because I get faint panel lights and stuff, but the car isn't even trying to start. I notice after a moment that my dome light is on, and I realize that somebody must have bumped the switch (which is a recurring problem), and the light was left on the whole time my car had been sitting unused for nearly three days.

I got Robert, the handyman for the Arts Center, to give my car a jump. My panel lights get nice and bright and I have hope, but still the car won't turn over. In fact, weird things start happening. My windshield wipers start running and won't turn off, my cruise control indicator is on and won't go off, and the ignition doesn't even seem to try. When we disconnect the jumper cables and I turn off the ignition, my car alarm goes off and won't shut down. It wails in this freaky warble as it slows down and fades in and out with only faint power keeping it alive. Finally, Robert and I disconnect the battery just so the alarm won't drive us crazy.

Feeling responsible for Chris since I had promised to drive him around, I called the city bus line to get all of the information we needed, and I waited with his at the busstop so that he could ride the bus to the glass studio and get things taken care of. Once Chris was set, I looked to myself.

I was able to get my dealership to send out a tow truck quite quickly and, after detailing everything to check and repair, I was able to take the dealership's shuttle directly back to the Arts Center. Getting there and back was faster service than I've ever has before, and I was pleasantly surprised. The downside is that since it's a Monday they won't get to even looking at my car 'til tomorrow at the earliest and maybe not even until Wednesday. I had expected as much and told them to get to it when they could (being the nice, accommodating customer that I always am), and they assured me that they'd have it back by the end of the week for sure.

Ironically, I have been meaning to take the car in for service for a few weeks. You may recall an earlier Journal entry about the car riding rough and worrying me. At the time, and for the following few days, I worried about what was wrong but felt I couldn't put the car in service because I couldn't chance missing having a way to drive the half-hour to classes during those last three weeks. So I pushed things and just hoped I could get along without the car breaking down. I figured that after exam week I could take it in. Then I figured I'd run Chris around today, call in for an appointment, and take it in later this week. My car obviously had other ideas. It was willing to wait until exams were over (which was last week), and then it died before I could wait any longer to get it serviced. I guess in a twisted way it seems fair. I just hope that the repairs won't cost me an arm and a leg. We'll see.

Posted at 11:28 PM

 

May 12, 2002

On 'This Week,' the show that runs on Sunday mornings with Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts as hosts, they looked from a variety of angles at the indiscretions in the stocks and securities industry, The Enron fiasco brought about an in-depth examination of the entire industry that deals with stocks, brokerage, and investments. This looked at dealings initially with Enron and Arthur Anderson but continued (and still continues) throughout the entire industry. Now Merrill Lynch seems to have been doing a lot of really wrong things as well. Oh my, how shocking.

It never ceases to amaze me that people are surprised when it is uncovered that some successful big business has been doing things that are unethical and illegal. That's how they get their money in almost every case, so why is this so surprising. Look at Microsoft. They'll get away with everything they've done, even though their antitrust case clearly proves them culpable of many wrongs, and even though anyone who knows anything about the industry knows how improperly Microsoft does business. But the general public refuses to believe that it takes breaking the law to make billions every year. After all, Bill Gates is just a good businessman, right? In reality, he's quite corrupt and quite unethical, but until the proof is unequivocally in front of every person in the public they will continue to deny the truth.

So the findings about Merrill Lynch don't surprise me at all. In fact, if the investigation goes on, I have no doubt that over half to three quarters of the industry will be found to have been screwing over their investors and indulging in all sorts of illegal and unethical practices. And why? Well for money, of course! The thing that astounds me is how blind Americans are to the realities of how corrupt this world truly is. And I am surprised that they don't question how big companies can rake in millions or billions of dollars even during fairly slow economic times. I guess people think they're just that good.

Well let me tell you what - people that are surprised by corrupt businesses and businessmen are either stupid or naïve. As far as I'm concerned, particularly regarding adults who invest in the stock market, anyone who says they are surprised at such revelations is just stupid because the evidence is constantly there. Those people deserve to lose a fortune from their stock investments when their brokerage or the company they've invested in completely screws them over. They were asking for it if they were dumb enough to give complete trust to people who time and time again prove that trust is the last thing they deserve.

It bothers me that people can be so gullible and ignorant. It's just plain disturbing.

Posted at 9:37 PM

 

May 11, 2002

No, I'm not done with porting my e.mail to the new program yet, and I don't want to talk about it, thank you very much!

I helped Heather and her mother move Heather's things into her new room here at the Arts Center. Chris and his mother had already moved in his things earlier, and now they both simply have a lot of reorganizing to do so that they can see the floor, find stuff easier, and have a place to sleep. But they're here, and that should make for an interesting aspect to the summer. Both of their mothers seem very nice, and my short time helping them move was comfortable. They all went shopping for various stuff while the moms were still in town, so I didn't see a whole lot of them all together.

On top of everything else I have been feeling more lonely and depressed. I really bothers me because I think if I wasn't staying so involved with my various little projects this week, I might just succumb completely to this sadness and be just miserable. I'm fine with avoiding it, but the problem with avoiding this sort of emotion is that most of the time it just waits until I finish things or slow down and then pounces on me. I'm not looking forward to that. It's bad enough as it is now, and I just don't want it to be worse. All of this depression in my life just sucks.

But for now, I have my e.mail and other things to keep me quite occupied for a while and keep me from taking any time to reflect on things at all. How stupid to appreciate keeping busy as my summer vacation just begins; all I want is just to relax an feel human for once.

Posted at 8:11 PM

 

May 10, 2002

And the horror continues ...

I spent much of the day in my continuing struggle to port over my e.mail to a new program. I found a way to get around the faulty 'Import' feature, but it hasn't worked across-the-board and also has taken quite a lot of time. I am a whole lot closer, though, and if it weren't for the remaining saved e.mails that I want to have archived in the new program, everything would not only be good but would be great. In fact, the benefits already outweigh the old program; I just want the convenience of having all of my e.mails in one place. I may have to give up on that dream, but I'll keep fighting for a while still. It just seems like I can do it if I just keep persevering.

Anyhow, I should be glad that I got so many other things that made me happy today even though the e.mail nightmare isn't yet finished. For one thing, I read two short books around my efforts. They were both books for adolescents, but they were fun and were things I have been wanting to read. I also installed a few new programs, including a couple of new games that I plan to enjoy over the summer. I took a little time to preview them each, and they look like they'll be all sorts of fun. And before I even got to checking those out, I finished the storyline on the game I've been playing throughout the past semester, Baldur's Gate II. I didn't have a whole lot left of the storyline, but it still felt great to wind it up. I - am - a god (or at least I am, now, in the game).

Possibly the best thing about the day was that I bought a new fish, another Betta. As you may recall, my last fish, Nemesis, died during the winter due to a heating problem in my aquarium. That left me with my two snails, Ares and Aphrodite. Ares died about a month and a half ago, but Aphrodite has been going strong. A couple days ago I thoroughly cleaned up the aquarium, and would have gotten a new fish yesterday if they hadn't been sold out of Bettas. So today I went back, had my choice of very colorful Bettas, and chose one that I named Joy, after Cupid's child from Greek mythology. She seems to like her new home, and she adds a lot to the aquarium (I like Aphrodite, but snails just aren't too exciting). So it's nice to have another pet.

And as if that weren't enough, I saw a new business calling itself 'MacCafe' open near the pet store in the building owned by Abacus II, who sells Apple products commercially. Years ago, Abacus II used to have a big retail location where they sold Macs and PCs (but with a focus on Macs). After years of solid service, they moved to a new location and stopped having a retail shop. They sold Macs commercially, did service and repair, ran training courses, and would sell computers to individuals if you asked, just not through a traditional retail store. Well, now that has changed again, and they have a full retail location with all of Apple's hardware and lots of software. It's a great thing because Apple doesn't look likely to put an Apple Store any closer than the one that is currently in Columbus (which is almost four hours away), and the retail partners Apple works with like CompUSA don't have locations anywhere near us either. BestBuy and Circuit City each sold Macs for a while, but Apple took away their contracts because they did such horrible jobs of representing Macs, so we went from bad coverage to no coverage in those stores. But now we have people that know and appreciate Macs selling Macs. It's awesome! Now I can go to play with all of the new cool stuff and even check out software in person if I'm interested in buying it (rather than trust to reviews and buy it through the Internet). So I'm pleased.

And when you put it all together, it was a pretty good day. I realized as I was dozing off last night at about 2 AM that I had forgotten it was Thursday and didn't go to coffee at 'the boy,' and while that frustrated me since I had wanted to go, I feel alright tonight after so many things having been so pleasant. Hey - I'm not too hard to please; I just want a few small things that make me happy, and I'm content.

Posted at 12:07 AM

 

May 9, 2002

Ugh! Why is it that every e.mail program ever created is a worthless piece of crap? Back in the old days of e.mail, things were pretty easy. You just did your thing, and setup and regular use was pretty straightforward. Then came the ill-fated day when you changed e.mail programs, maybe because a new program was out that had new features and stuff or maybe (like me) your e.mail program wasn't being supported any more. So you move to a new program that's nowhere near as easy to set up and sometimes crashes or loses your saved files. And in many cases pulling your saved e.mail from your last program is simply impossible, even though you clearly follow all of the instructions for the 'Import' feature. Eventually you get used to things with the new program, give up on importing things so that all of your e.mail from over the years is in one place, and you just accept the various failings of the program because all of the other e.mail programs you try have similar flaws.

Chances are that you make a change again, moving to yet another e.mail program and experiencing the same sorts of problems and frustrations. Maybe things are even more messed up in some ways, but you learn to live with things. Until one day when something stupid happens to your e.mails and you just can't stand it anymore.

Such has been my history with e.mail programs. A week or so ago, I ran into a problem again and decided that it was time for a change to a new e.mail program. How much worse could things get after all of the stupid things I'd gone through? Well, let me tell you ...

Seriously, some of the process went fairly smoothly. In fact, compared to the last e.mail program I was using, the setup and modification of the new program has been tremendous and everything functions incredibly well. I have a number of different e.mail addresses that I use for different purposes, some through the same mailhost, and the last program just couldn't work with more than one account through the same mailserver. The new program has absolutely no problems. But ... there's always a but, isn't there?

Well, importing old files is once again a nightmare. I'll give credit where credit is due - the 'Import' feature actually works to some extent. It pulls in files ... just not what you want, specifically. As an example, the 'Import' for one e.mail account I was trying to relocate pulled up every message I had ever received on that account, drawing directly from the archives from that mailhost. That might be fine except that it brought in absolutely everything including all of the stuff I had deleted, all of the spam, ... everything. Still, I could live with that since I could just go through and delete things, right? Well, I could. And I will. The problem is, while it Imports all of those files that I received, it won't import the stuff I've sent, even though I have saved all of those files locally.

So I spent many hours this evening screwing around with this, and while I've got a lot set up, I'm not done yet and will still have some effort left to have everything completely switched over to the new program. In the end, I can already see that this will be worth my while and much more convenient both for accessing things and general maintenance. It's just that it's taking g a lot more effort and frustration that I had expected or cared to deal with. But I'm quite involved now, and I'm not going to give up without a fight.

So the moral of the story here is that all of you aspiring programmers out there should keep in mind the opportunities for making an e.mail program that actually works. You'd be sure to not only make a fortune but be incredibly popular. At least with somebody like me.

Posted at 11:25 PM

 

May 8, 2002

Yea! I turned in my final exam/paper for my Linguistics class. That's the last of it! I'm all done 'til Fall semester.

It is such a relief to be done with this semester; I thought I was going to go crazy towards the end there. It will still be a while before grades come back, but I should do alright. I would have expected all 'A's in everything, but I had the snafu with not getting the Picture Book Project turned in for my Children's Literature class, and that's definitely going to bring my grade down, maybe horribly. I'm not going to dwell on that, though. I have been so stressed with classes and projects that I just want to spend a while trying to completely forget about school stuff.

Ironically, I want to prepare to take the GRE this summer. I wouldn't take the actual test until Fall, but I'd run through sample tests and I'd need to read some literature that would be covered. It's important for me to score well so that I can get an extra boost to the applications I send out for graduate school next year, but I've never been very good about preparing for standardized tests. I usually just take them, and they come out okay. I'm told that I should really put in a lot of preparation for this so that I can be prepared, but I heard the same things about the ACT and SAT, and I did great on those without even thinking about it until I sat down and took the tests. I'm not fool enough to think that the GRE's will be as easy as the SATs, but I'm also not anxious to put in a lot of study time for something that's supposed to just be a summation for acquired knowledge from college. The key word there is acquired - not studied or prepared for, this test is supposed to pretty much evaluate what you have retained from all of your college classes. It's not completely as simple as that, but it's supposed to be like that - at least in theory. Heather plans to prepare for the GRE also this summer, and both of us looking things over will prod me along a bit, I'm sure, but I'm still not all that excited about it. Of course, I just finished the semester, so maybe later this summer I'll be a bit more willing to buckle down.

For now, however, I'm more than happy to do my own thing for a while and just let my brain rest a bit. It's not that I'll vegetate or anything (not too much, anyhow), but I need to be away from formal writing and close reading. The only writing I want to do is fun stuff like poems and stories, and the only reading I want to do is fun stuff purely for my entertainment.

I'm looking forward to that, in fact.

Posted at 10:47 PM

 

May 7, 2002

Okay. It's not that I haven't sunk to this low before - in fact, it's the fact that I have sunk to this low before that really embarrasses me - but I'm so disgusted by the fact that the best I could do for a Journal entry yesterday was talk about cleaning and running errands. Hell, even I don't give a fuck about that stuff! Who wants to read this crap? For those of you who actually are reading my Journal, maybe you're willing to scan through for days that have a little more substance. That's great, and I appreciate that of you, but it's not enough. You deserve better, and in fact I deserve better. I'm a writer for crying out loud! And I write about cleaning? How lame is that?

Well here's the deal. I've considered this before and what it has always boiled down to is whether I force myself to write something every night so that I have continuous entries. I like doing daily Journal entries because it gives me a sense of accomplishment, and I know myself well enough to realize that sometimes days and days would pass without any entry at all if I didn't feel the routine of writing daily. I've tried to push myself to keep writing and just try to make each entry worthwhile. Each time I do okay for a while but eventually just slack off and end up ... telling you about cleaning my studios or something equally as stupid.

So here's my plan. I'm still going to make a Journal entry every day. I'm going to attempt to write something interesting or at least creative (which might sometimes seem pretty weird, but hey, this is the Internet, so what's really weird anymore). On days that I'm just purely out of ideas, I'm going to let myself be satisfied with just writing a joke or a quote or some cynical comment from my vast repository of cynical comments. Some of you are probably thinking, "Hey, you already do that when you're really depressed, so how is this any different?" Well, that's a good question. It's not all that different with the exception that I only do that when I'm really depressed. The really crappy, stupid, boring Journal entries come from the days that I'm tired or bored, and I struggle to have any topic at all to write about. Rather than just have that urge to just write something and be done with it like when I'm depressed, I write some mind-numbingly-stupid thing. So no more of that. Well, not very often at least. I mean, I'm still somewhat of a boring person, so I can't really believe that I'll completely escape my own limitations, but at least I think now I'll be more comfortable about just writing something short and sweet.

And hey, maybe it'll even work out so that every Journal entry will be more worth reading. And if not, at least they'll be shorter.

Posted at 8:37 PM

 

May 6, 2002

Damn. I am fucking exhausted, but at least I feel like a sane human being again.

The last few days have been pretty horrible, leaving me feeling like I just want to lie in my bed and wither away until I die. As a credit to my determination, I even made some effort at trying to do exactly that. Even when I finally did get out of bed on each of the last three days, I have gotten pretty much nothing constructive accomplished, and considering all of the things that I need to get done, that's a pretty sad state of affairs.

Today I woke up to my alarm at 6 AM. I got cleaned up and went back to bed until 9 AM. It looked like a pretty bad start to things, really, but once I got up I went straight to work on my final exam/paper for my linguistics class (it's due Wednesday at Noon). By 1 PM, I had the paper about 2/3 done, but I decided to take a quick break. I had a light lunch, checked my mail, and asked the people in the building's office to get a few things together for tomorrow when I bring Heather and Chris to sign their lease for the summer. After that, I went right back to work on the paper and finished the full nine pages by a bit after 3:30 PM. Grabbing things together, I hopped in the car and raced across town to get to the bank. They close at 4 PM. I was there at 4:00 and 30 seconds. But I didn't let that slow me down. I went off to the drug store to pick up Christiana's three prescriptions for her. Then I was off to the grocery for a bunch of goodies, and I even got the quarters I had wanted at the bank and also got some excellent Chinese take-out for dinner. After I got back and put everything away, it was after 5 PM. I hurriedly got together three loads of laundry and got two of them running in the laundry room (we only have two washers and two dryers). While the washer did its thing, I reorganized books on my bookshelves so that everything would fit (you'd think this would be easy, but it gets increasingly harder as I have to ponder longer each time how to magically come up with more shelf space). Around doing the laundry, I did some serious deep-cleaning on both of my studios, including caring for my plants and even turning my mattress (it's almost like I'm really doing Spring cleaning). By the time all of the laundry was done, I was ready to sweep the hall and clean the bathroom. Then I had bag after bag of trash to run to the dumpster, and finally I was able to take a shower. After the shower, as if I wasn't already exhausted and ready to wind down by 11:30 PM, I pulled up the linguistics final/paper again and went through twice for some revisions. And here I am, finally, typing a Journal entry for today. How fun is that?

Lots of little things got done, and certainly lots of tedious, mindless crap, but I have some satisfaction not simply in the fact that I accomplished a great deal of the things I need to do, but also have satisfaction simply with the fact that I was able to get out of bed and do anything at all. It may not seem like much to be thankful for, but it's pretty damn significant considering how hollow and dead I've felt the last few days.

Let's just hope it lasts.

Posted at 12:25 AM

 

May 5, 2002

I don't understand a lot of things.

People tell me that I'm intelligent, and I know that I am. I'm not stupid, but there are far too many things I just don't understand. I don't understand why people hate others. I don't understand why people hurt others. I understand, even though I don't agree, why some people are prejudiced or disgruntled, but I don't understand hate. If you feel uncomfortable with someone or jealous or confused or fearful, then why not just stay away from them? Why not try to compromise, ideally? I certainly don't understand why people will go out of their way to hate others. And I certainly don't understand hurting them. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. And hurting people goes even beyond prejudice or anger; people hurt others whom they sometimes even claim to love. I don't understand trying to hurt someone who rejects you or breaks up with you. I don't understand breaking up with someone you love specifically to hurt them. Above everything else, I don't understand cheating on someone you love and have a relationship with. How can you claim to love them and do something like that? I try and I try, but it just goes beyond my ability to comprehend. How can you hurt someone you claim to love? And how can you take the chance of ruining a loving relationship if you are fortunate enough to have one? It makes me cry to think about things like this, and I cry all the harder because I can't understand why.

Why do these things? Why hate? Why hurt? Why kill? Why fight or cause wars? Why alienate others? Why hurt those you claim to love? It's all insane. It just doesn't make sense.

And I'm not sure that I really even want to understand, anyhow.

Posted at 10:27 PM

 

May 4, 2002

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.

Posted at 9:00 PM

 

May 3, 2002

I have a bit of a headache today. I only got about 6 hours of sleep (after not dozing off until about 4:30 AM); my eyes have been seriously strained from looking up quotes in books and working so many hours on one computer or another putting together papers for classes; and six hours sitting around chain-smokers is getting to be too much for my eyes, even if it is just once per week. Next week is the last Thursday night at 'the Boy' 'til Fall semester, so I suppose I'll survive.

I'm down to just one last big project that's due next week, and while I have a decent amount of time before it's due, I had planned to work on it today. This headache, along with various distractions, has kept me from really getting started, though. I may put a little time into it yet tonight, but the real work will have to come tomorrow and Sunday. I am just so tired of writing papers that it isn't funny. I simply can't wait 'til this is done.

Mostly I've been dragging around all day, seeing everything I do take much longer than it should, and trying to motivate myself to work on this big final paper. The fact that the day is pretty much done without much to show for it is just something I'll have to live with. But hey, after the frenzy I went through with the previous two projects for classes, that were turned in yesterday, I guess I deserve a little break. Heck, I was up at 5 AM and rushing to get every last thing together between my classes yesterday (in fact, I was late to two of my classes yesterday since I was so busy getting things together. I haven't been late for a class all semester, and somehow I managed to be late on my last day of classes). Actually, with all of that in mind, I don't feel quite as guilty about slacking off today as I have been. Hopefully I can get it together tomorrow and get a good start on things.

Posted at 9:04 PM

 

May 2, 2002

The get-together at 'the Boy' was sort of different tonight. I got there early since the Poetry series is over for the semester and I didn't have to attend, so I ordered dinner and had been eating for a while before anyone showed up. Heather came first. She planned to do a lot of studying since she had a German presentation and a paper due tomorrow, and she initially set herself up at a booth quite a distance from me. I got her to join me for a little while and we talked, though. The applications for her and Chris have been approved here at the Arts Center for the summer, but the monthly cost is notably higher than anticipated, and Heather is balking about it. At this point, she and Chris don't have a lot of options open, so they may just be screwed into coming here regardless of whether they want to or not. I feel pretty guilty about it. I mean, I didn't mislead them or anything, but it's not the situation any of use expected. So Heather was a bit frustrated about that, and she hasn't made a solid decision about what she wants to do.

Heather went off to study at about the same time that Manny showed up. He and I chatted for a while before he got a call on his cell phone, and Beth showed up at about that time. Chris, John, Misty, and Sarah all showed up following that, each one wandering in and chatting for a little while before the next arrived. What made the evening odd was that we started in the corner booth that I got, then split into two booths as Heather got one, then spread across two side-by-side booths (in addition to the separate booth where Heather was studying, accompanied by Chris). One person or another wandered off to chat with Heather or leave to go buy cigarettes or leave to make a phone call before coming back. Beth even made two trips back to her apartment, returning after each trip. When some of Misty and John's friends showed up, we were spread across four different four-person booths, plus the two-person booth with Heather and Chris (who had moved across the room to a different two-person booth so Heather would be less distracted in her studies). We all kept switching around with who was seated where, so we all chatted to different people and had different conversations. Usually, we stay in the same seats all night, even when there are enough of us to spread over a few booths. Tonight it was just different.

It was nice in a lot of ways. Sarah invited me to her graduation party; Misty said she planned to see me over the summer as did Beth; and Heather suggested we all go on an excursion to Cedar Point together over the summer. I really felt welcome. It's a great feeling. It's amazing to me that I can have a new group of people that really seem to accept me. And I won't argue with it, even if I don't understand it.

Posted at 2:29 AM

 

May 1, 2002

Well, I didn't get my Picture Book done for my final project in Children's Literature. That's likely to seriously hurt my grade, but even more importantly it just makes me feel crappy that I couldn't pull it together. I had a high 'A' prior to that, but turning in nothing will screw me. And I'm just aggravated that I couldn't get it to work. It bothers me that I couldn't get the creative juices flowing to produce this, but it also bothers me because I feel like I let down my prof, Rona. I've enjoyed these two classes with her so much this semester, and I just feel shitty about this.

On top of that, I'm still working on my Final paper for Contemporary Poetry that is due tomorrow. I think I'll actually get it done on time, but it still needs a lot of time and effort. This paper is pretty much half of my grade for the class, so it has to be decent or (big shock) I'm screwed. I also have to make sure that my group project paper is turned in tomorrow for Linguistics. My part is done, but there have been delays because (again, big shock) some of the other people in the group are fucking around. After that, I still have a take-home final exam for Linguistics which is actually like two long essays of a combined length of about nine pages. I haven't even started to think about that one yet. It's due in a week. I should be able to get that done all right, but it will still take a lot of time. Fortunately, that's all that's left.

I can hardly wait for all of this to be over at this point. It's so close, but there's still so much to do. It just needs to be over so that I can try to do other things and get my head on straight. I just need time to relax, think, and do other things than school projects (including the complete redesign of this site which I now know is going to be incredibly significant considering the new ideas and new tools I have ready to use). Then I'll be better. I can just feel it.

Posted at 8:48 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © May 2002