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August 2003

August 31, 2003

Being depressed sucks my cock.

Well, maybe not ... 'cause I probably wouldn't be quite as depressed if that were the case.

But it still sucks, at least in the general sense.

Posted at 1:47 AM

August 30, 2003

Today I played chauffeur and chef for my grandmother and one of her long-time friends who was in town this weekend. It was no big deal for me, but my grandmother was exceptionally happy with how nice the day went. And Marge, her friend, was thrilled with the meal and had a good time as well.

During a large part of the rest of the day, I played around. I should probably have been making some effort on schoolwork, but I wanted a break(it is a holiday weekend after all), and I decided to just give in. After all, it's not like I'll have much chance once the semester really gets rolling. Hell, I'm already swamped with work - I don't even want to think what it'll be like by mid-semester.

So rather than worry about classes, I played through some game time. Today I dove into the expansion to Warcraft III, the Frozen Throne. So far I've been having a blast. This new storyline, as well as the game-play and the new units and powers, are great fun, well crafted, and tell a well-developed story. Having played this for even just a small part of a day, I am so much more thrilled about it than I was about Dungeon Siege that there's simply no comparison. Dungeon Siege truly was just a series of battles with one creature after another with no storyline and no thought necessary. Warcraft III does indeed require you to think, particularly in the scenarios where you have to build a base camp and work to improve your skills and technology. And I should also make note that some of the cinematic sequences, particularly the intro to the expansion, are phenomenal. I have always been a fan of Blizzard Entertainment, the creators of this game, and their quality and exceptional game experience in everything they produce makes me a staunch supporter. I'm really anxious to play the game for quite a while more, but I don't really know when I've even have a chance.

Oh well, at least I had a fun break today. Tomorrow it's back to work on class projects for next week. There's much to do, in fact, so I'll have to get my shit done and not do anything else until I'm set. Blah! I'd much rather play some more Warcraft.

Posted at 1:09 AM

August 29, 2003

Have I mentioned that Greg and I are barely even talking once every week or two now? Well, that's how it's gotten. After my visit to stay with him for the weekend (about a month ago), he cooled off quite a bit and stopped calling me. I call him, but all of the energy is gone between us, and I almost feel as if Greg has grown tired of me.

I guess we'll always be friends, and I guess I'm not surprised that things aren't going to develop between us to draw us close enough to be boyfriends, but I had thought that we'd be closer friends than just to have this occasional contact. I guess I shouldn't complain since I still really enjoy talking to Greg and being his friend, but I was so happy about us getting so close that it's hard to be content with so much less.

Poor me. I don't know why I'm surprised by this, really. I'm quickly remembering that I hate my life and don't really have anything to live for. Funny that I could set that attitude aside for a while while I let hope brew inside me, but now I just don't have anything to preoccupy my mind and let me forget - and that's just a crying shame.

Is it any wonder that I'm depressed? Seriously ...

Posted at 1:21 AM

August 28, 2003

Depression: 2963
Me: 0

Posted at 11:36 PM

August 27, 2003

Damn, and I almost made it through the whole day before my depression kicked in ...

Posted at 12:12 AM

August 26, 2003

Ugh! This sucks. I've spent the whole day reading, writing, and getting classwork done. I'm almost set for classes tomorrow except for one little thing - I can't come up with a short story for my Fiction Workshop.

It's supposed to be less than 1500 words and about two people interacting during a holiday. Well, I have a few ideas of how people could interact and what settings they'd be in, and even what sort of conflicts there could be between them (or other characters). The problem is that none of these ideas lead anywhere - there's no real plot and certainly no resolution to wrap things up. I have had probably a dozen ideas, but nothing gels together, and now I'm just left holding the bag. The Fiction Workshop doesn't meet until 7:30 tomorrow, but with my various classes and the drive to BG, all I really have left is tomorrow morning, and that's assuming some idea finally comes together.

It's certainly possible that something will come to me after I've had a chance to sleep on it, but I don't have very much confidence in that. I'd much rather that my mind could pull it together for something so that I could write.

Posted at 10:44 PM

August 25, 2003

Today, as the first day of classes, actually turned out to be a pretty decent day - if you don't think about all of the shit that's due by Wednesday that I have to put work through tomorrow.

As it was, I made good time driving to Bowling Green and ran into Laura almost ass soon as I was on campus. She had just finished teaching her first class (she's teaching English composition as part of her duties as a graduate student in Technical Writing). She was as bubbly and happy as ever and had been having a great summer, having moved in with her long-time boyfriend just a month ago. We both went to the Admin. Building to get out loan disbursement checks (this is the earliest I've ever gotten my check - usually it's later in the week). We had only just gotten inside the building and into a line with the Bursar when Manny walked in. He gave me his traditional home-boy hand grip and hug, and we talked for a few minutes before we each had to go our separate ways. I ended up seeing Laura and Manny again, separately, during the day as well, and talked with them a bit more. It was good to see them.

It was also nice to see Phil, who I caught early before the Senior Thesis Workshop he's teaching (and I'm taking). We talked for a while about our summers and also talked about the independent study in Modern Fiction I'll be doing with him. We should actually get that class laid out by the end of the week since we planned it out fairly well last spring, but it will be a bit more loosely structured than any of my other classes by far.

I ran into Stacey, too. Stacey used to be in various English classes with me and Heather and Beth and Sarah, and she hung out with us at Big Boy sometimes in our early days of getting together there. She can be a bit argumentative sometimes, particularly in class discussions, but she's smart and fun. I hadn't seen her for a while since she graduated the year before last. I had seen her twice last year, just by luck when she was on campus for various reasons, but this year I saw her because she's back as a graduate student, working on a PhD in education. So maybe I'll see her around again as well.

The big part of the day, of course, was my classes. It was hot as hell today for some reason, and all but one of my classes were in non-air-conditioned rooms. One of my professors moved the class out of the hot-box classroom and is going to find an air-conditioned classroom, but two of my professors look to be sticking it out in the heat wave of University Hall (why they don't finally get to renovations and remodeling of U. Hall after so many other buildings have been updated and air-conditioned is beyond me, but then again, I don't understand why we get put in these un-air-conditioned rooms when there are plenty of air-conditioned classrooms that are empty in other buildings. Go figure).

Heat issues aside, classes were quite interesting. Phil has a structured timeline for our Senior Thesis Workshop that should keep us working hard from week to week and getting things together well without letting things wait until the end of the semester. There's only ten of us, and we will only meet together once every two weeks (plus a private conference with Phil once during each of the alternating weeks), so there won't be a huge drain from class time itself, just from research and writing, which I can do here in Sandusky around other classwork.

My Online Documentation class, the second to last requirement for my Scientific and Technical Communications (Tech Writing) minor, is actually a class based around learning web content and writing, web layout, and practical design. While there may end up being a fair bit of work involved in this, I should do great since I've already been doing all of this stuff already. The only difference now is that I have to do it in a certain way and in a set amount of time, but it still shouldn't be too hard for me considering my practical experience with this site. Our big project (of three for the semester) is an independent work that sounds like it can be completely of our choosing, so I'm thinking of working up a companion site for theDreamworld, maybe a resource center for the gay community and gay youths specifically; I'd like that.

My other two classes, the Senior Poetry Workshop and the Senior Fiction Workshop, both look better than I had even expected. I know all of the people in both classes from previous workshops and classes; there are only about fourteen people in each workshop; the professors, while new to me, are both published authors with a comfortable, relaxed style; and the projects look interesting. There will clearly be some challenges in getting things done on time, because there is a lot of work being laid out, both in reading and specifically in writing, but it should be okay.

The bad part of the day is what I'll face tomorrow. I have a huge amount of homework due Wednesday since all of my professors want us to get right into things, so I have a bunch of chapters to read, short stories to read and comment upon, poems to read and analyze extensively, a short story to write (complete) and ground-laying work for a proposal for my Senior Thesis and for my first poem to be workshopped and my first story to be workshopped (which is different than the short story that is due, completed, Wednesday). So I have my work cut out for me.

I know that this is going to be a hard semester with a hell of a lot of work, but it seems possible. I'll be pulling my hair out at points, wondering how I can get everything accomplished, but it all seems at least like it's possible now, and that's more than I could say even yesterday.

Posted at 12:34 AM

August 24, 2003

Today was my last day of freedom before what seem certain to be my hardest semester of classes yet. In proper fashion I decided to do nothing practical or involving effort. Ironically, I'm exceptionally tired and achy after doing just that.

I spent the better part of the day playing Dungeon Siege on my computer, fighting my way through the final levels and the hordes of monsters until I was finally done - all the way to the end with a successful conclusion. and it only took me 'til 11:30 PM. Yea. Keeping my attention and being a bit tense as I directed the controls has left me a bit stiff, so I didn't exactly lie around and relax, but I did have a pretty simple, pleasant day with little forced effort. It was nice (even though this game hasn't been at the top of my list for quality or entertainment-value.

The next challenge will be trying my hand at the expansion to Warcraft III, the Frozen Throne. I expect that to be a bit more entertaining than Dungeon Siege, even though what I'm really waiting to play is Neverwinter Nights. But enough about my geeky obsession with fantasy RPG computer games ...

Classes begin tomorrow, and while I have everything together and am ready to go, I'm nervous as hell. There's going to be a lot to do this semester and not likely enough time. Plus the new living situation with my grandma will no doubt make things different and at least a bit more involved that my life of the last couple of years. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it all works out, but I'm still nervous. Hopefully tomorrow will go fairly smoothly.

Posted at 11:42 PM

August 23, 2003

Today was book-buying day. A little trip to Bowling Green, some well-honed skill at finding what books I need for my classes at the bookstore, finding the best-quality used books I can, and getting out of the madhouse that Bowling Green always tends to be as everyone moves into town during these last couple of days.

I'll admit that today was a bit disturbing, too. Shirtless guys abounded in yards up and down the major streets, various parties and get-togethers running pretty much constantly for the three or four days leading up to classes on Monday. It's the same old thing with me every time - I like the initial view ... well, I like the view continuously to be honest ... but then it gets me down when I quickly realize that I'm not young enough, cute enough, or whatever enough to even get one of these guys to look at me, let alone do anything else. It's not like I'm looking at these guys as my soulmates or even as fantasy material, but just seeing someone so wonderfully attractive just seems to emphasize my already overwhelming loneliness.

Being alone sucks, and any reminder of that loneliness sucks even more. I hate it that life is like this, and while I got out of Bowling Green as quickly as I could and tried to put those feelings out of my mind, they aren't so easily put aside.

It looks like it'll be another semester of lonely yearning once again. Somebody shoot me now ...

Posted at 11:50 PM

August 22, 2003

It has been forty years since Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech, and that makes it forty years too long of a wait for the world to put aside the politics of divisiveness and hate that still produce prejudice, intolerance, and inequality. The message is clear and the rights of all people are undeniable - we are all brothers and sisters under the sun, and none of us is any better or worse than another.

'I Have a Dream' anniversary marked

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Four decades after Martin Luther King Jr.'s demand for equality stirred a nation, civil rights activists commemorated his "I Have a Dream" speech Friday by celebrating the inscription of those words on the monument where his call rang out.

His widow, Coretta Scott King, stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as officials uncovered the words chiseled into the granite of a landing. "The inscription adds a sense of wholeness to this spot," she said.

About 1,000 people came in stifling heat to begin two days of observances tied to the coming 40th anniversary of the March on Washington on Aug. 28, 1963. Organizers also put together a prayer vigil and poetry jam on the eve of a rally Saturday.

It was on those granite steps -- on a hot summer day before a crowd of about 250,000 -- that King delivered his historic call for justice.

" I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,"' he said.

" I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

One of those children, Martin Luther King III, now 45, said those words are far from forgotten. "I do think people remember because they resonate so clearly," he said in an interview.

King said the appeal his father made so many years ago has not yet been fully embraced.

" Components of the dream have been realized, but the entire vision of freedom, justice and equality for all humankind has not," he said.

The inscription, over 2 feet wide, reads:

" I have a dream,
Martin Luther King Jr.,
The March on Washington
For jobs and freedom,
August 28, 1963."

Family members will join others at a series of teach-ins Saturday, followed by a rally in the afternoon at the spot where King spoke to the throngs lined up along both sides of the Reflecting Pool.

Diverse interests will be represented in speeches at the rally -- labor, women, gay rights, AIDS and the environment among them.

Speakers will include Julian Bond, chairman of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, who attended the 1963 march; and Rep. John Lewis, D-Ga., who helped organize it.

"Dr. King's words not only freed a people but an entire nation," Lewis said Friday.

Martin Luther King III said a special effort was made this year to reach out to the younger generation of 20 to 30 year old.

"We're very proud to be able to bring the 'sit-in' generation along with the hip hop generation, working together to continue to create change in our nation," he said.

National Park Service officials estimated the crowd Friday at 1,000 and said initial plans projected a turnout of about 10,000 Saturday.

Posted at 11:57 PM

August 21, 2003

I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ck.

I made it to Sandusky this evening, a good bit after 7 PM, after a lengthy, annoying drive through slow-moving traffic. I was up fairly early this morning and cleaned up and ready to go, but Chris didn't wake up until later than expected, so my departure was delayed. No big deal, really, since I wanted today just to be a relaxed drive back, and we enjoyed ourselves talking over a great lunch at Sarge Oaks, now in a new location and atmosphere for the 40+ year old downtown restaurant.

I was reluctant to leave, really, even with all that needs to be done before classes, because I had had such a great visit. But other things awaited, and I got on my way.

My grandma and I had dinner and chatted for a while once I had everything inside, and I've spent the whole evening just getting things put away, set up, and filed away. I'm pretty tired, but things are just about all done here regarding a lot of stuff, and while tomorrow will be a busy day of tasks, I should have Saturday and Sunday fairly free for some last-minute relaxation.

Ahhhh ... relaxation ... what a wonderful thought ...

Posted at 12:07 AM

August 20, 2003

Well, my last full day in Lafayette has been very comfortable and relaxed, and while part of me felt uncomfortable not acutely moving and getting things done, another part of me needed (I think, anyhow) the push to be just laid back and lazy.

I was up rather early this morning and showered and dressed even before Chris and Emily woke up. I had time to sit back, read e.mail and surf the net, read a new story chapter from one of the online stories I follow, and chat back and forth with Chris and Emily as they were checking their own e.mail and general surfing habits while they were getting ready. After a while we even watched Big Trouble a second time so that I could get everything I missed last night from falling asleep. It was pretty damn funny, and it made for a relaxing way to start the day. It's hard to make you understand how amazing this all really was, just this start of the day, but it was all very relaxing and uncomplicated. Usually, even without any urgent need to rush, I get cleaned up in the morning while doing other things, such as shaving with my electric razor while I surf the net and watch tv in the background. But not this morning. Or when I watch a movie on tv, I always surf the net or shuffle through some papers that need sorting or clean or whatever. But not this morning. So it was nice. Almost a forced period of relaxation.

Once we were all ready and the movie was over, we went to lunch at this great Indian restaurant called Khana Khazana Indian Grill. It had this all-you-can-eat buffet just filled with delicious food, and we had quite our share. One of the most amazing things, to me anyhow, was that this restaurant is in a location right next to where the second Kinko's store I managed used to be (it was closed a while after I left due to poor management and bad decisions by the regional management). Back when my store was there, and for probably thirty of forty years earlier, the place that is now the Indian restaurant used to be the dirtiest, nastiest Chinese restaurant on the face of the planet. To eat in this Indian place and see it so clean and airy and nice was really quite amazing and just added to the experience for me.

Unfortunately, Emily had to leave for work after we finished eating. Chris and I were unsure what we wanted to do with the rest of the day, but we went first to Ivy Tech State College, where Chris will be teaching a course in Photoshop in addition to the two courses he'll be teaching in photography at the Art Museum. He needed a new-hire packet for the year, so we grabbed that. THen, after a quick run through a "rainforest-themed" car wash to clean up Chris' dusty car, we headed back to the apartment to take care of a few things and make plans for the rest of the day.

We ended up surfing the web a bit more and then watching the last hour or so of a Freddie Prinz Jr. movie I had never seen where he's and undercover FBI guy. It was as predictable and hokey as all of his stuff, but it was okay, and he's great fun to stare at. We also, amusingly, watched a brief portion of the original Planet of the Apes on tv before heading out for a round pf miniature golf. The course we played wasn't all that easy, and Chris outplayed me by 10 strokes, but we had fun. And then he whipped my ass at pinball, but that was okay, too.

Back at the apartment, following a call from me to check up on my grandmother, we watched Screen Savers and Tech Live on Tech TV, something I've never watched before but which Chris is completely hooked on. They were okay, but I can feel quite certain that I wouldn't be a regular watcher, even if Tech TV were offered in Sandusky, because it just wasn't interesting enough to me; it just seems to be a lot of fluff and stuff I'd never need to know. Following that we watched most of Stealing Harvard, but we left before it was finished because plans had come together for the night and it was already late.

Chris and I went to Pepe's Mexican Restaurant for a late dinner and had a great meal (and an incredibly talkative waitress who only had our table to wait upon). We went from there to Dave's house to chat and help him put some photo equipment up on eBay. And after a while there we went tom Pat's house, Pat having just gotten back from a week in Vegas with his wife and child.

Pat is an old friend of Chris', and he is an incredibly talented musician (singer, songwriter, guitarist, vocalist, all of which he's good at). We played Hearts for a while and chatted, and when we finished the game we switched gears and worked on restringing a new (used) guitar that Chris had just bought. Pat gave Chris pointers on technique and helped clean a few things, and then he jammed a little on bother Chris' new guitar and on this beautiful new acoustic half-steel guitar he had gotten. It was enchanting to listen to him play and sing - he always amazes me with how incredibly talented he is.

But all good things must come to an end, and I'll have to be getting up early tomorrow to get myself together and drive back to Sandusky. Chris has some appointments lined up for early tomorrow after as well, so it's best for me to get on my way before Noon, and we will both still have much to do before school starts on Monday. It's been a great visit, though, and the relaxed routine today may have been just what I needed, quite honestly. It certainly couldn't have hurt.

Posted at 3:55 AM

August 19, 2003

Well, even if today wasn't as much total fun as yesterday, it was still pretty fucking awesome. I ended up starting the day early. Having gotten to sleep late after getting in from karaoke, I didn't have a long time to sleep since I had to be up early to see the dentist again.

You may recall how much I praise my dentist and defend going to him, and this was a prime example. It so happens that, due to lack of time and lack of money, I didn't come to Lafayette last year and also missed my dental check-up (I had dropped from having exams every six months to just once a year about three years ago because I just couldn't afford the time and expense). Over the course of that time, I had (unbeknownst to me) chipped a tooth slightly and had some decay build up in the hole that was left. That'll happen, I guess, and seeing as this is my first cavity in about twelve years, I can live with it. Of course my dentist found this yesterday and wanted to drill it out and give me a filling, and they made and extra space for me in their schedule, coming in earlier than usual, all so that I wouldn't have to make another trip back to Lafayette from Ohio. I didn't even ask about it, they just insisted that they would be available if I could make it. So here I was again at 8:10 AM, and they fixed me up quickly and painlessly (although I was sort of funny drinking a glass of water an hour later since the Novocain still had left me with no control of one quarter of my mouth and gums).

I was back at Chris' apartment by about 9 AM, and I did some web surfing while he worked on a logo he has been designing for a local business. He had a short meeting with that client this morning as well, selling the logo and getting more work from her, and I, meanwhile, played with some new computer Lapps. Once he got back from his appointment, we chatted about a couple of things, and I had Chris give me a crash course in how to use my new PowerShot S200. As usual, he was even more helpful and detailed than the manual (which I read through yesterday), and it seems like this camera, while incredibly full-featured, is easy as hell to use. So that's cool.

We joined Dave for lunch not long after that, heading to the Pub (a local landmark not to be confused with 'the Other Pub', which is owned by the same people who own the Pub but which is completely different in food, atmosphere, and location). Chris and Dave had this completely fucked up conversation about our waitress and how she looked like a porn star from the '70s or '80s ("you know, before porn stars were good looking" - this is an actual quote from the conversation). We had some serious laughs, though, not just about the waitress but about their boss and some drunk friends. We also talked about autocross and the upcoming race at the Tire Rack. Chris and Dave both race in two or three autocross circuits throughout Indiana and Michigan each summer. They both do pretty well for themselves, ranking well and winning their divisions now and again.

Dave only had an hour lunch away from work, so we had to get him back all too soon, but we had a great time. From there, Chris and I decided to drive down to Indianapolis to go to the Apple Store and the Apple Store in the CompUSA. We had a few questions for the resident Apple Genius at the Apple Store, and we had our geeky moments looking at just about every product. We both left only after a purchase each, which is the least that could have been expected, and we headed to CompUSA. Now, the Apple Store within CompUSA is indeed a pale shadow of the real Apple Store, and this CompUSA didn't even have as good of an Apple Store as I've seen in other CompUSAs, but Chris and I looked through a lot of the store and found things to compare and put on our wish lists - we're both such geeks.

We stopped at Pizzeria Uno for dinner not long after, having another great (and hearty) meal (I'm like really pigging out on this trip, and as much as I love the food, I'll be paying for it with some sort of weight gain, surely). We drove back to Lafayette from there and Emily was back by the time we arrived.

The bad news is that Emily will have to work tomorrow, and we had been expecting her to be off all day so that we could all three do things together, but that's just not to be. We do at least have until 1 PM (she starts work late tomorrow and works until closing), so at least we can have lunch together and the morning hours.

Rather than go out for anything big tonight, we stayed in and watched Big Trouble, which I had never seen. It was amusing, although I missed a bit of the movie as I dozed off (that lack of sleep last night was bound to hit me sooner or later). Chris went to bed after the movie, and I stayed to watch a little tv and to write my Journal entry. I had a great find on tv, though.

After all of the weeks that it's been on, I finally got to watch an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and it was fucking hilarious. I can so easily see why it is so popular. The things they did for the needy straight guy were in many ways things I could have done well also - redecorating,cleaning, cooking, and personal hygiene, notably. They were just so funny, though, it was great.

Right now I'm set to watch Boy Meets Boy, which I have my qualms with, but at least I'll be able to base my opinions on actually having seen the darn show.

So it's been another full day. Not as full as yesterday and maybe not as entertaining overall, but still, another hell of a great day. I'm seriously enjoying this get-away.

Posted at 1:06 AM

August 18, 2003

It has definitely been quite a full and enjoyable day here in Lafayette. I was able to get connected to Chris' cable router this morning (which I couldn't manage last night for various reasons), and was able to upload my Journal entry and also check e.mails and surf the web a bit. In fact, Chris and I kept pointing out various websites to each other as we were on each of our laptops, and we each found a bunch of cool new sites we weren't aware of. We also had this funny audio chat (after I downloaded Apple's new iChat AV. The software is amazing, and we could talk in real-time conversations with very good clarity; I'm interested to see if the videoconferencing aspect is as clear, but neither Chris nor I have a webcam at the moment.

We do each have digital cameras, though. Chris, who is a major photography buff, has had a Canon Elph digital PowerShot S200 camera for a little while but bought a big, expensive, digital SLR camera recently and decided he could part with his handheld PowerShot, and he offered it to me. I was interested but not sure at the time, but I have made my commitment and am now the proud owner of a very cool, very quality little digital camera. Outside of the fact that this adds well to my already immense collection of various electronic devices, it further means that I can easily take and use photos here on the website in various situations, offering all sorts of possibilities. Does this mean I'll finally have a picture of myself on here? Well, I'm not sure. I have no reason not to at this point, and part of me wants to, but I just hate to have my picture taken, so we'll have to see if I can come up with something that doesn't make me feel like I look totally retarded.

As if the camera wasn't enough of a new geeky toy, Chris gave me a set of Apple Pro Speakers. He apparently came upon a lab technician at Purdue who was cleaning house and was going to simply throw out 14 pairs of unopened Apple Pro Speakers. Chris saved them and has been giving them to friends. And while I already have the Soundsticks and iSub combo, these will add in nicely. I'm not sure if I'll try to sync them into the Soundstick set-up or if I'll use them separately for my iPod dock (for listening to tunes without headphones and without connecting to my Powerbook (and with the ability to be incredibly lazy and not simply pick out a CD and put it into the stereo ...)). So that was a cool gift. Me like.

We had lunch at an old favorite hangout of mine, Sgt. Preston's, a restaurant based on a theme of Sgt. Preston, an old Canadian Mountie character from old radio and early tv shows. It's a whole Canadian-themed, Yukon sort of feel (which is interesting), but it has the best food and the best service! I love it! And they have this three cheese garlic and cheese bread that's to die for! So we pigged out a bit, as you might expect.

I had a dentists appointment not long after that. Yeah, I know. 'Why is your dentist in Lafayette, Indiana when you live in Sandusky, Ohio, five and a half hours away?' Well, it's like this - I'm very loyal in very much of my life, and I respect people who treat me right, not only in relationships but in business associations and services. I met Dr. Challgren early on when I lived in Lafayette as a new customer of mine for Kinko's, and I liked the courteous manners of he and his brother at their practice. My own childhood dentist had retired a couple years earlier, and I needed a dentist, so I set up my first appointment. I was sold from then on. These people are kind, accommodating, inexpensive, and have a gentle touch (unlike some dentists), and I have serious doubts that I could find anyone else as good. Plus, I've moved a bit (to Chicago then Toledo then now to Sandusky), and it would have been a pain in the ass to try to find a good new dentist every time. Besides, having my dentists in Lafayette assures that I won't blow off making regular visits to see my friends like Chris, and that's a big plus in my book.

My dentists appointment was fairly quick, and Chris and I traded ideas about ways to do things on the Mac and talked about upcoming hardware and software, notably the soon-to-be-released OS 10.3, Panther. Emily, Chris' girlfriend, got back from work, and we had hoped to have her join us for dinner and a movie, but she had other plans. So Chris and I went out, first to the movie.

My choice had been to see Pirates of the Caribbean, and it was well worth it. While I had expected a bit more grit and a bit less of the inherent humor in the movie, I was still quite thrilled with it. The sets and costuming were fantastic, the acting was superb, the CGI was mostly well done (some effects were, in fact, tremendous, but some images seemed pretty weak), and the overall story, even though I was well aware of the whole concept before going, was interesting and entertaining. And while it didn't have quite the swashbuckling flair of an old Errol Flynn movie like Captain Blood, it was still a fantastic film, well worthy of the ticket price.

We chose the Parthenon for dinner, a wonderful Greek restaurant in the Village, the central commercial area in West Lafayette, where Purdue University is seated. The food was sooo good, it would be hard to explain. Those folks have never lost their quality in all of the years I've gone.

The rest of the evening was a big change of pace for me. Chris goes regularly to this Monday night Karaoke at a place in the village. It starts at 9:30 (just about the time we got there) and runs until 1:30, and the bar serves specials on pitchers and hard drinks on those Mondays ($1.25 per hard drink is pretty amazing, even to someone like me who doesn't drink at all). So, as you might guess, the cheap liquor loosens people up pretty fast, and they sing and dance for Karaoke pretty readily. In truth, though, the bulk of people who sing are regulars who come week after week and know each other, and they sing three to six songs each a night (in a sort of rotation). Chris, uninhibited as he always is, brings a stuffed guitar with him so that he can play air guitar as he sings. He also offers "back-up" guitar for others who sing, and he dances with people most of the rest of the time - he's such a character. Chris' friend Dave, who I've known for a few years, showed up for a while as well, and we chatted a bit, but he left fairly early (11:30). All in all, it was a huge amount of fun, more for seeing everyone so happy and uninhibited than because I was singing much myself or anything, but it was certainly a fun thing.

There were a few really cute guys around all night. One kid (and I say kid because even though he was older than 21, he looked just young and amazing) was dressed in a sleeveless, tight button-down shirt that revealed a perfectly shaped body and a pair of incredibly tight hip-hugger jeans that were similarly revealing. He was incredibly cute, incredibly energetic, and just so alive. Spike was his name, amusingly enough, and he was the one bittersweet part of the night as he made me realize how alone I still am, even amidst all of the fun that was going on around me and the good time I've been having with Chris. In the end, I'm still incredibly alone and without any prospects for change in that situation.

Fortunately, I didn't get too hung up on that, and I was able to enjoy the evening and chalk up another new experience to my list (going to a Karaoke night is not something I would have ever done on my own). So it was fun. And it was a great cap to a spectacular day. And that was all I could ever hope for.

Written Posted at 2:17 AM

August 17, 2003

So here I am, well after 1 Am Indiana time (which isn't quite Central time or Eastern time since almost all of Indiana doesn't recognize Daylight Savings Time - so right now Indiana is 1 hour behind Ohio time, but come October the times in Indiana and Ohio will match - Confused? Good.).

So anyhow, here I am at my best friend Chris's apartment (Chris is also known as Chip, even though he's trying to get away from that nickname). I got in around 5 PM and we talked for a while about stuff. I got the grand tour of the apartment and saw Chris' favorite new toys: his 12" Powerbook G4, his iPod, the whole stack of aging Macs that he's making arrangements to sell, all of the cool shareware he;s found, his new camera and some antique camera guides and equipment that he's collecting, his new (used) guitar, and his new Honda Civic Si hatchback, all of which are way-cool. We chat about all of these things and much more before we head to the Art Museum of Lafayette where Chris teaches photography classes but, more importantly, where he on Sundays mans the darkroom for students of the classes and for others willing to pay a small fee. Chris just open up, sets up the equipment and then just waits for a call that everyone's done so that he can clean up and lock up (no sitting around and babysitting people while they work is involved) - so his Sunday obligations at the museum are light, but he teaches two or three classes a semester and gets quite good attendance, so it's making him get more notoriety than what he had been getting just from his exposure through the Lafayette Photo Co-op, and it puts a little cash in his pocket as well for a teaching fee (which is a pretty decent amount of cash due to the number of people he's brining into each class).

So after we lock up the museum, we head to Arnie's, a great local chain of restaurants with an awesome (hugs and with a million toppings) salad and with the best broccoli pizza you've ever had - and it's all incredibly inexpensive. Arnie's is one of the places I always want to go when I visit, both because of the food and the atmosphere, so it was a nice treat. We also ran into a bunch of people Chris knows and had chats amongst ourselves and with his friends. It was a fun, relaxing time.

One part of our conversation was a revelation that Chris has stopped being straight-edge and now drinks - quite a bit and quite frequently. Being that he's rather slight, I'd think that he's become almost immediately drunk, but he sounds like he can hold his own. Still, it's weird to think that he's drinking regularly now after all of these years of avoidance; go figure. Fortunately, this hasn't really bothered me as has sometimes been the case with friends of mine who drink, but then again, I haven't actually seen Chris drunk yet, so I should probably;. withhold judgment ...

After dinner we drove to Indianapolis to pick up Emily, Chris' girlfriend, from her return trip from a week in Washington, D.C. with relatives. She's a cute, sweet girl, and I can already see why Chris is so attached to her, even just in the short time that I've been around her. They live together quite well, both liking a lot of the same things and having similar ways of enjoying apartment life. They're cute together, really, and that's good to see. Chris was so devastated after his divorce from Shannon, his first wife, that I wondered how well he'd be ab lee to live with anyone again, but he seems to have well overcome any problems there might have been. And Emily seems very positive and appreciative of Chris, and that is certain to make a huge difference.

We chatted a little more when we got back, with me showing Chris some of the software that I've got that he might like, and we shared various "oohs" and "ahhs", but it's gotten sort of late and was time to call it a night. And so, with this little Journal update, I'm about to do just that - turn in. So Until tomorrow, that's me.

Written Posted at 1:36 AM

August 16, 2003

It has certainly been a full day.

My hearing is back, most importantly. The swelling is down (and with it, the pain is almost totally gone), and with little swelling, my auditory canal isn't closed up and I can therefore hear. Hurrah!

In addition, I have finished up a bunch of little projects and tasks around the house and with setting up my new external hard drive and organizing my computer. I also got custom calendars organized and printed that list all of my appointments and obligations as well as all of my grandma's appointments and obligations - and these are all synced into my iPod for me and printed out in detail for my grandma. That should help my grandma better understand what I'm up to rather than forgetting where I am or how long I'll be away (which happens to varying degrees now and again, her memory being what it is).

I got a whole lot of things done (most of which I won't bore you by listing), but my one downfall was mowing the lawn. The sky was already darkening and distant thunder was rumbling when I got outside, and I knew I was racing the coming storm, but it had been a week since I last mowed and would be nearly another week before I could mow again. And just as I was only about of a third of the way through the front yard, the rain started. And so did the thunder and lightning. Yea. I pushed ahead and finished the front yard, getting completely soaked through by the time I was done, but I at least managed to avoid getting struck by lightning. Yea. Well, at least the yard will look nice from the street.

So that was it, mostly. A good day. I'm about to pack my stuff after this, gathering what I'll need for my trip to Lafayette, Indiana, a place I used to live that has a lot of pleasant memories and some good friends. I'll be staying with one of my best friends, Chris, and I expect to have a blast. We always enjoy getting together, and it should be a nice, relaxing break for me.

I'll be gone until late Wednesday or early Thursday, and I intend to upload Journal entries every day, but I can't assure anything since I don't know what options I'll have available for for connecting to the internet. The worst case scenario is that I'll write everything and then upload it when I get back, but I'm hoping for a daily upload if possible. As if any of you care ... I don't know, maybe you do. Maybe. And you'll be hearing from me one way or the other, whether you care or not.

Posted at 9:46 PM

August 15, 2003

What?! What?! I can't hear you! I have an ear infection!

Yes indeedee-o, I have an ear infection, and it's nasty as can be. I built up throughout the day, yesterday, getting worse and worse until couldn't really even sleep around the swelling and pain, the hearing my heartbeat because the swelling i9s so powerful, the deafness ... did I mention the pain? So that just wasn't any fun.

Getting up this morning after I somehow managed a couple full hours of sleep, I still had serious pain, swelling, and deafness (or, more accurately, completely muffles sound on the right side of my head since the swelling just about entirely closed off my auditory canal.

In some weird twist of fortune (I say weird because I never have anything that could be remotely considered a twist of fortune), I was able to get scheduled in this morning with an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor. He easily identified the ear infection and gave me prescriptions for lots of drugs ... oh, and he gave me a fucking bill for $151 (on top of what would be a $176 bill for the prescriptions as well as another visit next week as follow-up, a visit which I'll also be charged for)> The hideously outrageous expenses aside, though, there is indeed some improvement going on here. It took a few hours, but the pain and swelling are down and my hearing is pretty well back to normal. I'll probably have to fight this for a week before it's all gone, but so be it. It's also weird (and not high on my list of happy things) to be on two types of steroids and a full-body cortizone treatment. I hope I don't turn into a jock or something. Then I'd be hard-pressed to get people to see me as the geek that I truly am.

In the meantime, I'll either hear things or not, depending on how effective the meds are, but I can always excuse myself for any perceived deafness by using that old Running Man line:

"... Must be steroids."

Posted at 11:47 PM

August 14, 2003

"Scotty, what the hell's going on down there?"

"The dilithium crystals, cap'n! They're completely shot! I dunna -"

"I need that power now, Scotty, not excuses!"

"But I canna make miracles, cap'n!"

"Damnit, Jim, he's an engineer, not a new source of energy!"

"Damnit, Bones, we need that air conditioning now!"

"It's dead, Jim. Without power, the air conditioning's dead. You have to face that!"

"I don't care! Damnit, Scotty, do whatever you have to!"

"Fascinating."

"Fuck you, Spock!"

For those of you not in the know, their was a power failure in one of the major U.S. power grids today, a cascading failure that started in Niagara Falls and rapidly led to failures in all power throughout the entire state of New York, the entire state of New Jersey, the entire state of Connecticut, the northern shores of Pennsylvania and Ohio, much of southeastern Michigan, and large parts of Ontario, including Windsor and Toronto. Pretty fucking amazing. Seriously. This is the biggest power failure ever in U.S. history. The last comparable incident was in 1965 with another failure that began in New York state; that blackout, though, was far less widespread geographically than this one, being only about half as far flung. And various failsafes have (supposedly) been put into place since then to forestall exactly the type of thing that has happened today.

The power here stopped at about 4:45 PM, a half hour after the first power failures began, and we had power again just after 8 PM. Cleveland and New York, and just about everything in between, is still without power and struggling to bring things back to life, expecting that power will be widely restored by tomorrow but will be shaky for the first day or two while everyone gets back their electricity. Considering so many people are still without power, even in areas not too far away, we are pretty lucky here.

I had set aside matches, candles, and flashlights; gathered water in pots and pans in case of need, and watched the news on my hand-held TV to find out what was going on, and my grandma and I were quite ready for the evening and the power loss. It was good to have the power return, though. Not having electricity is a real drag.

My own personal experience was a bit upsetting as I was updating the operating system that I had installed on my external hard drive (for use as a primary drive if something should ever happen to my laptop or my internal harddrive). Since the computer was running with the external harddrive as the primary drive when the power failed, the computer just shut down into sleep mode and then didn't recognize where its drive was right away. I got things straightened out fairly quickly with my laptop, but I had no idea why the external harddrive wasn't getting any power. I couldn't figure out why I had no DSL activity, either. I figured it out fairly quickly, but I feel sort of dopey for not realizing it immediately. It's not that I didn't get a number of other things done today, but having no power made it impossible to work on all of the computer-related stuff I had been planning to do today. It sucks. In any case, it's good to have power back, because that all just sucked.

"Cap'n, the ship canna take much more a this!"

Posted at 12:08 AM

August 13, 2003

My new seat cushions finally arrived today for my couch and love seat - and they're made properly with the right upholstery and the right color. Will wonders never cease. I'm still quite pissed off that I had to wait almost three months from the time of my order to get these, particularly since I had no discount for the screw-ups and delays I had to live through, but I'm happy to finally have them. They're so nice and soft!

I also finished the front door, painted the porch steps, sorted out the last portion of the basement that hadn't yet been cleaned and organized, mopped the whole basement, gave a sterling recommendation for Christiana to a potential employer, and had a long talk with Christiana who had gotten a job offer from the people who listened to my recommendation. It's been a full day.

The best part of the day has to be the realization that the house is now all fixed up and I'm all moved in. I still want to wash and wax the car and do a few different things on my computer (set up a new external harddrive, make backups, and get my iTunes MP3 library expanded so that I've got everything I want on my iPod.). I may actually even have time to veg out before I go to Lafayette this weekend, and I should definitely be able top relax for the few days after I get back from Lafayette just before the beginning of classes. And that, my friends, is too cool.

Posted at 12:45 AM

August 12, 2003

Yes, it may be a sign of my twisted sense of humor, but I find this news article simply hilarious.

I love being a Mac user ...

Experts: Web worm attacks Windows, spreads fast

SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- An Internet worm targeting Microsoft Corp Windows users was spreading rapidly around the world on Tuesday, triggering computer crashes and slowing Web connections, experts said.

The worm, dubbed Blaster but also known as LoveSan or MSBlaster, carried a message for the Microsoft chairman: "Billy Gates why do you make this possible? Stop making money and fix your software!!"

Blaster, which zeroes in on Windows 2000 or Windows XP operating software, has been timed to attack a Microsoft security Web site distributing the patch needed to stop the worm in its tracks before it hits millions of users.

The worm specifically targets the latest versions of the Windows software and experts predict home users will be the worst affected. The vast majority of the world's computers are equipped with one form or other of Windows software.

"I anticipate that Blaster will have its biggest impact on the home user community as they are more laid back about keeping their anti-virus and patches up-to-date and may have insufficient firewalls in place," said Graham Cluley, a technology consultant at British-based Sophos Anti Virus.

Blaster is fairly unusual in that it does not spread specifically via e-mail as it can travel through a normal Internet connection.

Security experts advised computer users to visit Microsoft's security page to download the patch. The author has programmed the worm to knock the site offline on August 16, the experts said.

Blocking the worm's path

A host of European and Asian anti-virus firms reported corporations had contacted them to say they had been infected as their systems went online on Tuesday.

Following a quick patch job, many corporate systems were back up and running without a hitch. But as the greatest damage was expected to be in the home market, the actual toll of Blaster might be difficult to determine, the experts said.

In South Korea, one of the world's most wired nations, Blaster was having limited impact, officials said, as technicians took steps to block vital Internet ports that prevented the worm's widespread movement.

Once Blaster infects a computer, it scans the Internet for other vulnerable machines to attack.

In some cases the worm causes the computer to crash, but does not infect it, said Johannes Ullrich, chief technology officer at the Internet Storm Center at the SANS Institute in the United States.

"It's dangerous from the perspective that it can consume a lot of bandwidth," said Russ Cooper of TruSecure Corp. "Every compromised machine is constantly attacking."

In January, a worm dubbed "Slammer" that exploited a hole in Microsoft SQL database software brought automatic teller machines in the United States to a standstill, paralyzed corporate networks worldwide and nearly shut down Web access to South Korea.

Posted at 11:04 PM

August 11, 2003

I've been stripping! And in front of my grandmother!

Now get your mind out of the gutter ... I was stripping the front door; tomorrow I'll refinish it, and then it will be done. It has, so far, been an incredible pain in the ass. The former finish, which hasn't been worked on in between twenty and thirty years, was cracking and was dull in places - it had done its time to be sure.

If I've never said it before, I hate stripping varnish or paint from wood - it's a nasty procedure, and I would much rather be working on something else. Anything else. Really, anything. Root canal on my own teeth would be better. Well, it might be ...

Anyhow, I'll be glad when this door is finished. Let somebody else fuck with it in twenty or thrifty years.

Posted at 10:47 PM

August 10, 2003

Geez! What a whiny bitch Joe Lieberman is! This is not, by the way, what the far left of the Democratic party stands for - far from it, in fact, regardless of what ole' Joe has to say.

By the way, Joe, sewing divisiveness in the Democratic party is not going to get you (or any other Democrat) elected against the devil (I mean Emperor Bush). Get a clue, Joe.

What a putz.

Lieberman lashes left-wing Democrats
Kucinich: Party must offer voters 'real choice' to Bush

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Sen. Joe Lieberman attacked the left wing of his party Sunday, saying Democrats "don't deserve to run the country" if they move left and embrace "the failed solutions of the past."

" If we're for middle-class tax increases, if we send a message of weakness and ambivalence on defense, if we go back to big government spending, if we're against trade [and] for protectionism -- which never created a job -- we don't deserve to run the country," Lieberman, a presidential candidate, said on "Fox News Sunday."

" We're not going to be able to meet the challenges that America faces today."

Last week, the Connecticut senator and 2000 Democratic vice presidential nominee raised eyebrows when he said antiwar, anti-Bush candidates on the left of the party's 2004 presidential field -- particularly former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean -- would lead the party into the "political wilderness."

During the past week, Dean has enjoyed a surge of media attention and gains in polls, both nationally and in key early primary states.

Lieberman said on Fox News that Dean has tapped into anger among Democrats toward President Bush.

" I share the anger, but, ultimately, to govern this country, it takes more than anger," he said. "It takes experience. It takes positions that reflect the best values of the American people. And it takes the kind of solid leadership capacity that America will need in an age of terrorism and in an age of real economic anxiety."

Lieberman said Dean's call for a repeal of all of Bush's tax cuts "would mean an increase in taxes on everybody, including the middle class and working families, who don't deserve it now.

" I think some of the ideas that he is reflecting are out of tune with what America needs today," he said.

Dean did not appear on any of the Sunday talk shows and had no scheduled public appearances this weekend during which he might have responded.

Offering a contrasting view, however, was Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich, one of the antiwar candidates on the party's left.

He said Democrats must offer a "real choice" to the Bush administration if they want to motivate voters.

" As I define the differences, it will be very clear to the American people that I'm offering a true alternative, a progressive alternative," he said on CNN's "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer."

Kucinich also mentioned Dean.

" I think that as my campaign begins to develop, we're going to be able to attract some of the people who now currently feel that Howard Dean is the only alternative."

Kucinich said he would cancel the NAFTA and World Trade Organization trade agreements, move the country to a universal health care system, cut the Pentagon budget by 15 percent and create a federal Department of Peace.
He likened the proposed department to the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s call to make nonviolence an organizing principle in American society. He said it would "create programs where we teach our children peace-giving and peace-sharing and mutuality and identifying the other person as oneself, where we learn that violence isn't inevitable."

Kucinich was one of the most outspoken opponents of the Iraq war. Asked whether he thought the end -- getting rid of Saddam Hussein -- justified the means used, he said, "Is it worth 259 American lives? No.

" We have to recognize that this administration took this country to war saying that there was an imminent threat and that Iraq had nuclear capability. That has proven to be a lie."

Lieberman, who supported the decision to go to war, said he still believes "very strongly" that "initiating a war to get rid of Saddam Hussein was the right thing to do, that the world is safer, America is safer. Certainly the Iraqi people have a better future to look forward to with Saddam gone."

However, he said he believes Bush administration officials made arguments leading up to the conflict that "went beyond what was necessary to make the case for a just war.

" I think they overstated the case in a series of arguments, which were not necessary because the case was so strong," he said. "That's why I've said that the administration's actions have threatened to give a bad name to what was a just war."

Posted at 11:37 PM

August 9, 2003

I've been reading Brew Maxwell's Foley/Mashburn saga for quite some time now (it's quite lengthy, so it is something that you read for quite some time). While it is a bit too optimistic and 'perfect-world'-ish to be realistic, I have continued to read it (voraciously) and to enjoy it, not in spite of the overly feel-good attitude of the story but because of it. While I don't find the story very realistic and I don't find that I learn much from these characters (and I do actually learn a lot from various characters in certain online stories I've read, particularly about myself and how I subconsciously deal with things), I still have read for the simple peacefulness of it all. Brew's writing style is nice, and the story makes me feel good because nothing goes wrong to any great extent, so there isn't much trauma for me, and a lot of times, particularly when I'm depressed (as I have been lately), it's nice to just let go and lose myself in a story where nothing can go wrong.

But then there's the certain chapters I read today in the most recent segment of the saga. A certain character, Sean, is troubled because he feels unloved by his family and friends, is depressed, and also doesn't know how to trust and interact normally with people. He turns to giving blow jobs as a way to get a sort of connection with people and a certain satisfaction, and he just can't stop because it is never enough to really fill the empty void inside of himself. He is not quite shunned by the Foley/Mashburn clan, but he is not well liked and is not really given the attention and love he needs. Eventually, he gets caught by the law in an indecent position and he subsequently runs away, only to be found dead a few months later as the result of a sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. This is most certainly the darkest plotline ever seen in this story, and while it reflects things that happen in real life, it still doesn't ring true. I could accept all of that and move on, though. I've suspended my disbelief in the unreality, and I enjoy the story for what it is. What has truly bothered me, instead, is the reactions of all of the other characters.

Sean, a troubled boy who runs away and dies, is considered by the others to have "thrown everything in turmoil" in the house while he was there; he was in fact hated by one of the characters who simply had no compassion for him; and he was not going to be allowed back at the Foley/Mashburn residence (if he had returned and not have died) because Kevin and Rick (Foley and Mashburn, respectively) had "tried everything to help him out but he was just unable to be helped and too disruptive to the other kids." That just bothered the hell out of me. Here's this perfect, feel-good family where they have everything they could ever need and more, and everything goes right for them (for the most part), and the one time someone really needs their help and doesn't just magically transform into a well-adjusted, happy kid on their own, well, he's out. And don't think for a minute that Kevin and Rick did shot to try to help Sean in the story - they didn't. Nobody did. But he's to be written off because he couldn't overcome his problems on his own and become the perfect, happy boy that everyone expects in the Foley/Mashburn residence.

Well wake up people! This is the first time I felt realism in this story, and it pissed me off! I was reading for that feel-good effect so that I didn't sink any deeper into depression, and then this comes. And worst of all, it infuriates me that this suffering kid should be treated this way, even in a story. Wake up and look around, Brew Maxwell - people don't just magically solve their problems on their own and become well-adjusted and happy in an instant. It takes a lot of time and, more times than not, it takes some outside help to support someone who is troubled and help them overcome their obstacles. I am just incensed that Brew, who writes the story in such a way that everything else works out through some stroke of luck or because the other characters really help someone else, even over extended period of time, and often teach them specifically how to overcome their problems - I am incensed that he would write Sean as a write-off who didn't deserve any consideration because his problems were more complex than those of the others.

Grrrr .... I just can't stand it. This really pisses me off ...

Written Posted at 2:47 AM

August 8, 2003

This Time The Dream's On Me - Harold Arlen

Somewhere, someday
We'll be close together, wait and see
Oh and by the way,
This time the dream's on me
You'll take my hand
and you'll look at me adoringly
But as things stand
This time the dream's on me.

It would be fun
To be certain that I'm the one
To know that I, at least, supply the shoulder you cry upon.

To see you through
Till you're everything you want to be
It can't be true, but
This time the dream's on me.

(bridge)

It would be fun
To be certain that I'm the one
To know that I, at least, supply the shoulder you cry upon.

To see you through
Till you're everything you want to be
It can't be true, but
This time the dream's on me.

Written Posted at 1:17 AM

August 7, 2003

We got the funk - everybody dig that funk.

If only I could dig it; this depressed funk that's hit me sucks, though, and I really don't dig it. You dig?

Posted at 2:31 AM

August 6, 2003

I love my grandma dearly, but she is wearing me down between yesterday and today. I hadn't slept very much yesterday, having gotten up early to get me and the house cleaned up and to run to the grocery before heading to Cleveland and the airport, so I was already tired early in the day. The delayed flight didn't help, and a late meal didn't help either. And my grandmother was just as much of a chatterbox as could be. Now normally, where this would annoy my parents or my sister, I love to hear my grandmother talk and talk. She is usually quiet and reserved, and the times that she feels excited or emotional enough to say things is a great time, both because it's great to see her so happy as well as because she has interesting things to say. She tells old stories of her life or of the family, little tidbits of history about the Sandusky area, and all sorts of things. It's great for me, since my family is based very much around a concept of silence, talking very little, keeping secrets all the time from each other, and shutting down expressions of emotion or thoughts that aren't the "one truth", or at least what my parents want everyone to believe is the truth. So hearing my grandma talk is wonderful, and while she talked nonstop on the whole drive back to Sandusky and during the whole evening, it was great.

Today, however, I am still rather tired, and things have been rushed due to various things that have had to be done at a certain time (Agnes, the cleaning lady, came at 2 PM and we had to eat and get various things done before that, and the cable has been out since yesterday, so we had to work around the schedule of the cable guy arriving, and so forth). On top of that, the dinner I spent an hour and a half preparing was a waste since my grandmother felt sick just as it was finishing in the oven and didn't eat a bite. I saved the meal for tomorrow and looked after my grandmother (who had eaten more chocolate ice cream than decent, solid food during the day, even against my best efforts, and who had watered plants in the yard against my strenuous protests that she needed to sit down and relax for the next day or two until she felt fully revitalized (she had been saying she felt tired all day)). So the fact that she was very talkative again today, throughout the day, wore at me a bit because I was tired, hungry, and frustrated that she made herself sick ins spite of my best efforts to get her to do exactly the opposite of what she ended up doing.

Everything she said would still have been interesting and I might still have loved that she was so exuberant, but I was just worn and achy by the end of the evening, and I'd just had enough and wanted peace and quiet. I was very polite, listening and smiling, and I'm sure that my grandma has no idea that I was so exhausted and almost irritated by the constant, unbroken, unstaunched flow of stories, but I just couldn't wait to get away. I feel bad about that in a way, but I'm just too beat to care too much at this point.

Hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow, hopefully she'll listen to me at least a bit and not overdo things, and hopefully she will have gotten some of this storytelling energy out of her system. 'Cause I need a break. And I can't get away to do anything while I'm standing by her, listening to one anecdote after another with no space for a word in between from me. Sometimes you can have too much of a nice thing.

Posted at 12:20 AM

August 5, 2003

Today I picked my grandma up at the airport in Cleveland, Cleveland Hopkins International. We eventually made our way back after all of the hassles associated with: 1) getting a parking spot in the overfilled garage, 2) getting the ticket agent to give me a gate pass so that I could be at the gate to escort my grandma (which was doubly as much of a pain in the ass considering I had called the previous day to make sure that I could get a gate pass and was assured that it would be no problem as long as there was no sort of lockdown or threat alert at the airport), 3) taking off my Converse tennis shoes to be x-rayed because I could surely somehow manage to hide terrorist devices in the half-inch-thick soles, 4) waiting an extra hour since the flight was delayed leaving Baltimore (which they, conveniently, didn't announce until less than 10 minutes before the flight was due to arrive), 5) having nothing to do during the delay except read the pseudo-news contained in an extra copy of USA Today that was lying around, having to pay the "full day" price for the short term parking because the delayed flight had kept me in the airport for more than the two hour limit (although how more than two hours equals a day, I don't know), and 6) driving back through rush-hour traffic in Cleveland because of the delays.

Am I bitchy about this? Damn straight! See, while I don't mind flying in itself, I despise the airline industry. They charge more than is fair for what you get, they don't really care about you, they don't fee you, they don't have any room for comfort, they seriously limit how much you can carry, and they force you to go through the fascist checkpoint, show your papers, and get strip-searched or worse before you're allowed to proceed. And on top of it all, they can't even ever be remotely close to on schedule. For my money, I will always drive rather than fly. It's invariably cheaper; it takes as much or less time to get where you're going considering check-in and processing time, waiting for your delayed flight, and actually flying to your destination; you can carry all of the luggage you want and eat, drink or pee as you like; and you are in control of your own travel safety - plus, you don't have to feel like a criminal and get searched or harassed. Unless I were to leave the country or have to travel to, say, California, I would always drive.

And it galls me that the airline industry constantly wants the government to bail them out since they're losing money. Oh boo-hoo. So they raped people for tons of money over the last few decades, making admittedly huge profits, and they didn't set any of it aside or plan for times when people wouldn't fly as much - that's just bad business, and I don't see the government bailing out other companies for not being prepared for periods of slow-down. If they can't run their business well then they should have to close down. Too bad for them.

And maybe then people will turn to railroads, something that is used much more effectively, cheaply, and environmentally soundly in almost every other part of the world than here in the good old USA. Airlines? Bah! They aren't worth the hassle.

Posted at 12:12 AM

August 4, 2003

Damn! That boy is fine!

I just got back from Bowling Green and an evening with Adam, among others. He has always been incredibly attractive to me, adorable really, and he's clean-shaven today and looking even more amazing. He's just the perfect height (not too tall, about my height or the slightest bit shorter), the perfect build (not too slim but not a bit overweight and strong but not muscley), the perfect shape and form (with features that are each simply perfect to themselves, whether it be his rosy cheeks or his small ears or his tussled thick hair or his sparkling eyes), and all with a great sense of humor, a vast intelligence, a decent amount of cynicism, and an astounding amount of creativity (he's a film major and makes great films, but he also knows music incredibly well, mixes music, sings, acts, blows glass, writes stories and poetry, and who-knows what else). He's incredibly down-to-earth and modest, for all that he has to offer, and I'm sure he's incredibly straight and incredibly uninterested in me, but I love to be around him and enjoy his wit and his stories while appreciating his beauty.

I drove to Toledo this morning, fighting lots of slow-moving traffic to make good time. I arrived a little later than I'd planned, but I got to Christiana's mother's house and grabbed Christiana (only back two days from her sixteen week visit with her dad in New Zealand). We went to the Olive Garden for lunch and then back to her place. We had considered going to a movie, but the timing was just wrong with my plans for later in the day. Instead, we chatted for a while, as we had at lunch, and then watched an old video, Young Sherlock Holmes (an old Spielberg movie that I like and Christiana had never seen). We bother enjoyed the movie, and after a little more talking with Christiana and her mother and step-dad, I was on my way.

Christiana had gotten me some gifts in New Zealand, notably this really cool turtle made from cut and welded sheet metal (it must be a snapping turtle because it has all sorts of sharp edges that cut you if you're not careful). That was a nice present, as was the bookmark and small towel, and I was thinking about them as I drove to Bowling Green.

Heather had come back to Bowling Green for this last week of her (and Chris') lease so that she could pack and move her stuff back home. We planned to have she, Chris, Laura, Adam, and me get together, all to go to the park and grill some food. The heavy rains rather ended that idea before it got going, and we stayed inside Chris and Heather's apartment instead. We talked about all sorts of stuff - summer jobs or lacks of them, what we'd been doing, developments at BGSU, plans for the fall, when and where everyone was moving, how our families are doing, current news and events, porn, dating ... you name it and we may have covered it. We ended up getting Chinese take-out at The China and ate and talked more until we finally dispersed around 12:30. Now I'm back from my return drive, and I'm still thinking about Adam. He's just so cute.

But it's silly for me to have a crush on someone who's so clearly untouchable and unapproachable. But I suppose there's nothing wrong with looking. That will, as is usually the case, have to be enough.

Posted at 2:17 AM

August 3, 2003

Now that's fucked up right there.

I just finished watching Pay It Forward, the 2000 movie with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osment. It plays out as a great feel-good movie where people can overcome the crappiness of the world by helping others and then asking them to "pay it forward" by helping out three other people and asking nothing in return. Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osment never fail to impress me, and this movie is no exception. The freakish problem is the end.

Now keep in mind that I'm there's a whole lot more to this movie than I'm making clear, but also keep in mind that I'm about to spoil this movie for you by revealing the ending, so skip this Journal entry if you don't want to have it spoiled.

See, my problem is the ending. I don't know if it's even a problem because, honestly, it works for this movie and makes it more poignant and meaningful, not just some trivial farce of a nice idea that could never happen in reality. But to have Haley Joel Osment's character, Trevor, die in the end, and in such a violent fashion ... it's just very upsetting.

Seeing a young kid killed, even in a fictional setting like this ... it just really bothers the hell out of me. IT makes me sad beyond belief because I know that even though this is just a story, there are vast numbers of kids dying in exactly these same situations in real life. And that makes me infinitely sad.

And the truth of it is, my friends, that that's just fucked up right there. Seriously fucked up.

Posted at 11:51 PM

August 2, 2003

Who needs masturbation?! I'm having wet dreams because my iPod is here!!

It actually arrived yesterday, but the Airborne Express guy came while I was painting in the basement, and I didn't hear him, so he left my package with the neighbors. But I have it today, and it is oh-so-cool!

Let me tell you, Apple never ceases to amaze me with the beauty of its products and the elegance of their presentation. Even the packaging for the iPod is beautiful. And the total package is really great, providing a dock, various ways to power-up and connect to your computer (Mac or PC), ear buds (with extra covers), a remote control, and a carry sleeve with a clip (each of which is in itself elegant and refined). And it's all so slim and portable, pocketable even. So much stuff in such a small package.

I ordered this partly, in truth, because I'm a huge fucking geek and this is like the coolest little toy for me, but I never would have spent the money on it unless I had practical reasons for this. You see, The iPod is more than an MP3 player - it also has a clock with alarm, a contact list, a calendar with appointments and to-do lists, and the ability to hold text files of unlimited size (well, up to the 30 GB size limit of the device) (oh, and it has games, too). So its like a PDA as well as an MP3 jukebox. That certainly makes it cool, but you're still wondering why it was practical for me to buy, right?

Well, it's like this - with contact lists, I have a complete and accessible address book with me at all times, an important thing if I need to get ahold of someone for my grandma while I'm away in Bowling Green on campus; and with the calendar, I can keep track not only of my own appointments and plans but my grandma's as well. This is of critical importance, and the beauty of it is that I can use Apple's iCal program to make printed calendars for my grandmother and then simply sync the updated calendars into my iPod and I'm set. And finally, the text files are way cool for me because it allows me to have any files available in my pocket that I need - notes, essays, e-books, memos, whatever ... anything I need, ready to read at any point - and even better, I can not only read those files but access them on a computer with firewire (the iPod also acts like a 30 GB portable firewire hard drive, so all files are accessible once it's connected to a computer. The combination of all of these features, all in the compact size, are perfect for my needs, but there's one other factor that comes into play, making things more convenient for me. I can connect my iPod directly to my car stereo because it has an MP3 player port; this means that I can listen to just about any song in my CD library while driving to and from school, and I don't have to pick the CDs out in advance or worry about the bulk of them being carried around. That makes my life a lot easier day to day, and it allows me a lot more flexibility in what I can listen to. All big pluses.

I haven't started seriously playing with it yet. Well, yes, I played with it some, tooling around with the controls and experimenting with some things, but I haven't transferred my music library into the iPod or anything like that. Heck, I haven't even installed the iPod software yet (although that is next on the list after uploading this Journal entry). So I haven't really had full play-time yet. I've been a good boy and put a second coat of paint on the basement walls and cleaned and organized the workshop and the laundry room and the potting area and the basement shower. Oh, and I put away some more stuff on the second floor (my area). But I'm anxious to play with my new toy, so that's all I'm saying for now.

Tee-hee! TOYS!

Posted at 10:59 PM

August 1, 2003

I found my porn! Yeah!!!!!

The whole time I've been here, since the beginning of June, I haven't had my porn. Now that really just consists of a half dozen video tapes of gay porn that I've accumulated over the years, nothing more, but it's a big thing to me (in all fairness, I have some mpeg sequences as well, but they really are just too short and small to be very rewarding). Anyhow, I've been making occasional searched into the stacks of boxes, trying to find where the videos are hiding, and I kept coming up empty-handed. Since I've been getting to where I have put away the vast majority of everything in the past few days, I've begun to wonder if I somehow managed to lose them somewhere. I have no idea how that could happen, but I just simply couldn't figure out where they could be.

As is usually the case, they were in the very last box that I unpacked - now notice that I said the very last box I unpacked, not the very last box I opened. I had opened and looked into this same box three or four times (at least) in the past few weeks, and I couldn't see any sign of my porn - yet there it is, waiting patiently for me.

I still have a blister in the center of my right palm, though, so that means I have to either wait or be careful. I suppose I can skip a day of masturbation and somehow survive. It's just that the euphoria of masturbating, short-lived though it may be, is a very happy part of my day, so I try to avoid ever skipping a day. Hey! Don't give me that look! It's not like I'm going blind or anything from masturbating too often, and it's all I get, seeing as sex with someone else is pretty scarce. Besides, it relaxes me before I go to sleep. And it reduces my chance of prostate cancer. Just think of how practical I'm being ...

Posted Written at 1:22 AM

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