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| message board August 2006
Why does this boy keep showing up randomly where I can see him and be amazed? Such perfection, such allure, and all completely beyond my reach. Knowing that he can never be mine is seriously depressing, yet I just can't get him out of my mind. Posted at 9:54 PM
Getting up at 5:30 AM was just plain wrong, but that's what was needed to get my mother to the Cleveland Airport on time, and she is now gone, leaving things to be a bit simpler around here ... maybe. Getting up so early, even after going to sleep early (for me) left me tired all day. Doing a few hours of yardwork probably didn't make me any more perky, but it got that out of the way. I even got caught up on some reading, initially starting to doze off every paragraph, but eventually reading about a dozen chapters up to just a few minutes ago. Now I'm just looking forward to some simple sleep, hopefully until well into the morning. As many hours as possible will be quite fine with me. Posted at 11:54 PM
Save me. Posted at 8:23 PM
I say that I need a break from my grandma so that I have time to rest and recoup to be better able to handle her less-pleasant days, and as a solution my sister and mother suggest coming here for a week to "help" me or let me do my own thing. I suppose they mean well, but I doubt I'd even catch up on my sleep during that time let alone do any positive coping with my emotions and stuff. If that wasn't enough, the other suggestion, proposed to me today by my mom, is to hire someone to "come check on my grandma" every morning at 9 AM. What that would accomplish I don't know. I'd be in the house; my grandma would look to me if she had a problem; I'd still have to remind her to take her pills a few more times; and four out of seven days we'd both be getting ready to leave, three days a week with me taking her to the YMCA for her aqua-arobics class and on Sunday mornings for her to go to church. The three remaining days, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, we would occasionally be up early and ready to go to a doctor's appointment as well. So someone coming by at 9 AM would be a complete waste of time and money as it really wouldn't solve anything. Besides, the whole idea that I might some how gain "some extra free time in the morning" is really ridiculous. What the heck would that benefit me? My mother's next suggestion, that I get a part-time job, is ridiculous on many levels. The most important concern is that to work I would have to leave my grandma alone, and leaving her unsupervised is becoming a more dicey deal with each passing day, and I don't see how my being away would solve anything. Furthermore, if I have trouble now doing things for myself because I feel that my time is broken up by my grandma's appointments and needs, how will I juggle a part-time job into the mix. What do I tell a potential employer, "I'll tell you what availability I have as each week progresses, but keep in mind that I might need to drop everything and leave immediately if something comes up with my grandma?" Somehow I don't see that as the clincher statement that gets me employed. So I don't fault my mom for meaning well, I suppose, but I really don't think we're getting anywhere as far as finding useful solutions. I'll keep thinking this over, but the only practical solution I see now is getting my grandma away for four to six-week visits two or three times a year so that I have periodic breaks where I can focus on myself and nobody else. Until my sister and mother come up with a plan like that, I don't see anything else that really helps. For me to get breaks two or three times a year, though, means that they have to be involved, and while I think my mom is ready to do two times a year, my sister is far less likely. We'll see what comes about, but I still see myself as largely on my own. I'm thinking about viewing this more as a job than as a family member caring for another family member, hoping that maybe distancing myself somehow will help. I'm researching what is expected of caregivers and what is provided for them, and that will be my starting point. I'm not sure where this will go or if it will work, but I have to try something, and this is all I currently can think to do. I'll keep you posted on how things develop, but I have no clear idea just where it's all heading. Posted at 10:17 PM
Well ... they're long gone now. My sister missed her planned 8 AM departure time and didn't get out until after 9, but she did leave. I was disappointed to see my nephew Hunter leave, but it was just as well that he was on his way, too. Things have just played themselves out, and getting some space back was needed. Before my sister came she was saying, among other things, that maybe she'd be able to give me a little break from our grandma while she visited. I took that to mean she'd spend time with our grandma so that I didn't have to watch her as closely and also that she'd check up on things like making sure she takes her pills, eats a decent meal, etc. I never expected my sister's visit to be a like a real vacation - where I could be freed of completely of having to care for my grandma - but I thought that perhaps I'd have a little help and thereby a little rest. Instead what I got was a lot more required effort taking care of my grandma. On the first day out, at Cedar Point, I was the one to insist on checking on my grandma by phone throughout the day, and I was the one to make the calls. That hadn't changed by the last day out, at Kalahari's water park, when I once again called to check up on our grandma, even though I used my sister's phone. On Wednesday, at the Toledo Zoo, nobody offered to push my grandma in the wheelchair at all; no one took the time to make sure she could see things and point out where the animals were; no one stayed behind with her rather than have fun looking around with the kids - no one but me that is. My mom and sister couldn't be bothered - they were having too much fun with my nephew and niece. Every morning, even though my sister was downstairs before me, it was still me taking out my grandma's pills and getting her to take them. Sure, my sister took my grandma to lunch on Tuesday, but she wanted to go to Toft's, and I was out picking up our mother at the Cleveland Airport, so she didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. Don't read that to mean that my sister didn't want to be bothered with my grandma or that she wasn't happy to have her with her, but my point is that she never did anything to care for my grandma except when I was out of town. She talked to her during her stay, yes, and I would expect nothing less of any family member, but my sister's impact upon my caregiving demands were nil. It is that lack of effort that made the discussion yesterday morning so frustrating. I'm in this all alone. It's convenient for everyone that I'm taking care of my grandma because that way they don't have to do so themselves in any way. They can find comfort that she isn't in a nursing home somewhere, but they can find more comfort in being able to lead their lives without sacrificing any time or energy into the mix. Even my mom, who has my grandma come to Florida to stay with her, doesn't really have the same sort of commitment as I do because she has always treated my grandma's visits as vacations for both of them - no doctor's appointments, no illnesses, no bills to pay; just an outing to go shopping or dinner at a friend's house or a trip to the pool, all pretty much planned day by day for the duration of the visit. It's not at all comparable to months and months of effort. And my mom lived here before I came to take care of my grandma, so she knows how much time and effort it can take. She just doesn't have to worry about it any more. And that's the bigger issue. It's all out of sight, out of mind. They don't think about it and therefore everything must just be fine. At least they've stopped the bullshit about how 'beneficial' this must all be for me. They probably still make themselves believe that I'm living without a care in the world with my grandma paying for all of my needs and me having no worries - that set of lies is a convenience, even in the face of me repeatedly making clear that it has cost me more to be here caring for my grandma than I would be paying on my own, not to mention the additional wear and tear on my car, the negative impact upon my now-stalled college career (which they continue to piss me off with by claiming that the only reason I haven't finished my thesis is because I'm being some sort of perfectionist about it, suggesting that I'm the one not satisfied with my writing instead of my advisor, the only true arbiter of the thesis). The reality is that they want to believe that I'm benefiting from all of this, because they simply don't want to have to be involved, invested, or inconvenienced. I've been patient with that for three years (even if a bit frustrated), but now, when I've made clear that I can't keep going this way with things, they want to make this somehow all my fault, not an issue of the frustration of caring for an argumentative, dottery old person. Once again it's a convenient case of denial simply because they don't want to deal with any of it, but the bottom line is that they have to. They can help me work out solutions to be able to bear this, or they can find themselves caring for my grandma all by themselves. That's what gave rise to the argument yesterday morning, more than anything. My sister doesn't want to deal with having to care for my grandma, and admittedly her plate is full, but that doesn't mean that I have to just suck it up. My sister told me at the end of our discussion that she would discuss things with our mom and they together would figure something out. I found out later in the day, from my mom, that according to my sister I supposedly "blew up" and was terribly angry with my grandma for what she had said earlier in the morning. This was not the case at all. In fact I was merely making a comment to my sister about why I hadn't eaten breakfast. It was my sister who made my disdain for my grandma getting an early-morning dig at me into a big deal. The ensuing argument was not about my being frustrated with what my grandma had said that morning but had been my being frustrated with my sister for playing the whole thing off as if I'm being unduly frustrated from having to be a 24/7 unpaid slave. The end result is that my sister's idea of her and our mom "working something out" is to tell my mom to talk to me while she's still here and make sure that the two of us work something out - and maybe my sister can figure out how to take care of my grandma for a week sometime in the future. Clearly my sister's generosity knows no bounds - as long as the effort comes from someone else. I had thought that my sister was sympathetic to what I was dealing with, but I see clearly now that she was just trying to act supportive so that I would keep doing things and keep her from having to be involved. I'm tempted to just say "fuck it" to the whole thing and tell my mom and my sister that they're on their own, and they'll have to figure what to do with my grandma between themselves, but I made a commitment to my grandma, and as much as I currently hate it, I won't renege on that obligation - yet. A day may come - and it may come soon - when I simply can't take even seeing my grandma's face, but for now I'll persevere. Things are going to change. I'll tell you that right now. And my mom and my sister may very well not like how things will change. But I will no longer be a doormat for anyone in this situation, and if I'm to keep doing this it will no longer ever be to my disadvantage, as has been the case since I came here. If I'm doing this it's going to be on my terms and its going to be worth my while. If they can't handle that then they can figure out something else on their own. My own path is decided, however. That much, at least, is comforting. It will take some time and some work, but this is all going to turn around. We'll see how well soon enough. But one thing above all else is clear - I'm on my own in this, so I have to make it work myself. If that's how they want it then so be it. I'll just readjust to that mode of operation. Posted at 3:33 AM
I think to some extent that all of us were tired today - with the oddly possible exception of my grandma - and that left everyone susceptible to being short with each other, irritable, and unpleasant. I wasn't probably any better than anyone else, but honestly, with my grandma starting early in the morning trying to get some digs in at me as a way to start an argument, I was hardly well-disposed to be exactly patient. When my sister, later in the morning, defended not only my grandma's actions from earlier but pretty much all of the hurtful things my grandma has said or done in the past year, that was about all I could take. The repeated refrain of, "It's not her fault; that's just because she's old," sounds far too much like, "It's not his fault; that's just because he's drunk." Both lines of bullshit have a kernel of truth in that senility and alcoholism both cause a person to not really be themself, but the truth also is that senility and alcoholism don't cause people to go against their true nature. In fact senility and alcoholism most often show the unrestrained, unrepressed true nature of people and magnifies their thoughts and traits and feelings. Yes, both senility and alcoholism cause random memory loss, both cause some degree of emotional change, and both leave the subject feeling like they had no control over what they were doing, but to claim that something someone says while senile or drunk is not how they truly feel - well, that's really a crock. So my sister - who, in her defense was surely as tired and irritable as I was - not only defended my grandma and claimed she was an innocent victim with no control over her feelings or actions (something we could debate, even if we never would see eye to eye) then decided to attack me and claim that the whole problem was my migraines and my depression, and that if I just got some doctors to prescribe me medications all would be well. Hurray for the all-American answer to everything - dope them up until they're to numb and screwed up to be able to think! I could honestly even have a rational discussion about someone's belief that some of my problems could be solved my prescription migraine medication and anti-depressants, but to lay things out such that the whole basis for my problems with my grandma were my own fault for not getting doped up (with the less than zero money I have, I might add) - that was more insulting than I can believe. I pointed out to my sister that my migraines come from stress and have throughout my life. When my stress is low I have no migraines, when the stress increases so do my headaches. My grandma has had me at an all-time high for running, nasty migraines, yet that is somehow my fault. I also pointed out that I've had depression for a long time, and while it has always plagued me, I';ve found ways to deal with it through relaxation and what I can best call periods of emotional purging. The fact that I haven't been able to do any of those things because my grandma demands attention every single day without a break are clearly my fault. If I'd just find some psychiatrist that would dope me up on anti-depressants that would supposedly solve everything. Of course the fact that I could resolve these things myself if I had time to get breaks from my grandma is a clear inconvenience. When I pointed out that not only was my planned break to Indiana screwed over, but my mother has changed everything from the usual routine where my grandma would spend four to six weeks visiting my mom in Florida during September or October, then a similar amount of time in Florida in March, all with a four to five week stay at my sister's around Christmas and New Year. Those four breaks (Lafayette for me, Florida for her, Maryland for her, and then Florida again for her) gave me time away from caring for her that I could care for myself. Now I'm stuck with her until mid-December, and while she'll stay away until the end of February or very early in March, I'll then have an uninterrupted nine months without a break before I can rest. It's certainly convenient for my mom, who can have just one long visit which is more a vacation for both of them than a home-care situation; and it's really convenient for my sister who has her mother in law or our mom watch out for our grandma for the whole maybe four weeks my grandma is at her house in Maryland. Wow ... that must be rough. Don't get me wrong - I constantly marvel at all that my sister does: raising two young kids, working as a high-level executive, working on a doctorate, maintaining a marriage and a social life, and vacationing here and there. I have no idea how she does all of that, really, and I fully understand that there is no way for her to add something so big as caring for my grandma on top of everything else. But just because I understand that doesn't give her the right to act as if my grandma is all my responsibility and my problem and my fault when she does damn little to care for my grandma herself. I'm tired of serving all of the roles I have with no pay and little appreciation. If I weren't here and somehow my grandma managed to convince my mom to let her stay in her home here with assistance, she'd have to pay a lot of qualified people a lot of money to do all of the things I do - and they'd have insurance (which I don't) and they'd get sick days (which I don't) and they's get vacations (which I don't and which they would get regardless of what was ailing my grandma at the time). Instead I get fucked because I'm the sucker that did the right thing and offered to help. You'd think I would have learned at some point in my life that "No good deed goes unpunished," but I do it to myself time and time again. I've been using the words, "I can't do this anymore," regarding the problems I'm having with my grandma, and I've been saying that repeatedly to my grandma, my mom, and my sister, and none of them wants to really hear it because none of them wants to have to take any responsibility and step up. If anything good came from this morning's faceoff, it may be that my sister at least may have finally heard what I'm saying, and while she still doesn't want to have to step up, she may at least realize that something has to be done or I just won't be here anymore at all - and then she and my mom are really screwed. The rest of the day, while not as bad as the beginning, has been by far the least pleasant of all days they've been here, and I'm looking forward to them leaving early tomorrow. I've had some good moments, particularly talking with my nephew and connecting with him at various times throughout this visit, but I need some peace if I'm going to keep any vestiges of sanity together at all. Posted at 11:48 PM
Another day in hell has come and gone. The enduring migraine I've had was just about crippling this morning, but that didn't stop everyone from expecting me to be up and ready to go (and cheery) as we made our way to Kalahari Resort for a day at the Indoor/Outdoor Water Park. Don't get any of this wrong either - I enjoyed Kalahari quite a bit last year, and I'd been looking forward to it this year, but the migraine, combined with the not only lack of concern of the assembled family but the subtle contempt they seemed to have for my 'problem', all of that combined with the blatant reminder still ringing in my ears from last night that homophobia rules among these people - all of these things left me with a head full of suffering. But, since nobody gave a damn, I did as expected and went along (I suffer most minutes of my life anyway, I guess, so what's more intense suffering on top of it?). Part of my being rushed out of the house as early as possible included me getting nothing at all to eat (unless you count the migraine aspirin I took). Everyone else had a solid breakfast, of course, while I was showering and such, so it was no worry for them. I somehow talked everyone into getting lunch first thing (it was 11:30 AM by the time we got there) and amidst lots of grumbling they finally agreed (I think it may have had more to do with the fact that I made clear that if we were going to the pool section first then my sister and mom were on their own to watch my nephew and niece and ride with them, because I would have to sit down or pass out. Of course part of the reason I was brought along was to watch over the kids, so there was clearly a standoff here). Anyhow, with food in me and the last of my inner strength, I managed to get my head to feel numb and fuzzy rather than outright painful. In fact my head was tolerable most of the day (with moments of pain throughout). I was able to function, even though I shouldn't have, and I watched over the kids, played basketball with them in the water, rode water slides with them, etc. It was nice, but like I said in yesterday's Journal entry, the magic was lost. Sadly, as much as I love those kids, I'm just ready for them all to go away now, and hopefully by the time they come back again at Easter next year I'll have been able to put all of this behind me and have some true happiness at seeing them again. One thing at the water park this year was that most of the people there were young kids - say 12 and under, most in the 8-ish range. There were a handful of older teens and simply no college-age people, so even though it seemed clearly that guys outnumbered girls overall, there wasn't much for me to look at in terms of cute boys. Yes, there were a number of "cute" younger boys, but not the kind of cute I was hoping for. Even a cute 15-year old would have been closer to what I could appreciate, but the really young kids were just ... really young kids. I guess in a way it was good because I was able to focus more on my nephew and niece and just play around with them, but it was disappointing in a way, too. I mean, heck, I just don't get out all that much at all, and this should have been much more scenic. Maybe it was a good thing anyhow considering how depressed I was and how much my head was bothering me. Cute guys that I couldn't have would have probably just made me feel even worse. So I survived the day and I didn't force a confrontation or anything. I'm not sure that this was the best path to follow, really, but it's the path with least resistance, and with my head and everything bothering me, I really wasn't up to conflict today if I could help it. All things combined have left me quite tired, in fact, and I was starting to nod off not too long ago while I was talking to my nephew about the current batch of cartoons that are playing. So now I'll give in and go to sleep. Maybe some rest will help and I can feel more human tomorrow. We'll see. Tomorrow's the last full day before my sister and the kids leave, and we're supposed to be just hanging around the house. Maybe things will be relaxed, and maybe I'll feel better. That would be cool.
Well, well - wasn't that fun? No. So my migraine, that I've had for about two weeks now but have survived with lots of migraine medication, flared up horribly today, and I've been pretty miserable. Of course nobody really seems to care, but that's understandable - they have no stake in it and no associated pain (or concern). I think I would have even been fine with all of that by tomorrow, assuming (or hoping) as I am that things will be tolerable by tomorrow and light and sound won't make it feel like my head is imploding. I would have been fine, I imagine, had we not had that wonderful moment at dinner where I felt assaulted by every assembled family member. Hunter, my nephew, had been talking about various things, and he came to talking briefly about Alexander the Great. My mother made the comment that she and my grandma had read a story about Alexander and a boy he loved (ostensibly Hephaestion, I assume, although he was hardly a 'boy'), and how interesting they'd found the story. She added that it, "would have been sweet if it hadn't been so distasteful." My sister nodded her head and gave an expression suggesting she understood that sentiment. Then my nephew added, "... Gay boy story ..." in an unreadable tone. The whole thing passed by me before I even realized it had occurred. I was stunned for a second, then I tried to replay the whole scene in my mind. I kept trying to replay that scene over and over throughout dinner, and it just never became any more pleasant. And while I was initially angry, outraged, and ready to lash out, i rapidly became much more sad and depressed as all of the implications set in. It seems that every time I see my sister, regardless of where it is or how long has passed since we have seen each other, she will once during our time together say something completely homophobic and hateful, not that she sees it as remotely wrong or bigoted, but that's nonetheless what it is. Sadly, my nephew Hunter has now, for the second time, made what could be viewed as a negative towards gay people (the first time was indisputable, this one is less severe or significant, but shows some degree of a pattern). My grandmother has shown very well over time that she doesn't "understand" homosexuality, doesn't accept it, and can't explain why she is opposed to it other than that's what she feels she's been raised to believe. My mother, who has a history of bigotry on all fronts, including homophobia, changed her tune for a while and made a big deal of claiming to be friends with a gay postal carrier that she worked with and his partner. At the time I had thought she was playing the who friendship up for some reason, probably to look more politically correct, and now that a few years have passed and it is once again more-or-less acceptable to bash gays, she never mentions the "friend" and says homophobic things once again, although not as often as in the past. To her credit my niece Christa said nothing during this exchange tonight, but then again she's seven and probably has no idea what the very brief set of comments meant. The whole thing's left me extremely depressed, though, and I'm getting sicker the more I think about it. Part of me feels that I can't let this go, and I have to make a stand. That route will, I have no doubt, lead to me outing myself to the family and lead from there to some ugly statements on both sides and some nasty decisions that will almost certainly have a negative impact upon me (I can see a number of possibilities). The other route is to suck it up and say nothing and just add it to the rest of the mass of similar comments and actions that continue to eat me up inside. Neither option is palatable, really, and it all just makes me much more anxious to be dead. At the minimum, I am now all the more anxious for everyone to get the hell out of here and leave me alone so that I don't have to deal with them. As much as I was looking forward to spending more time with my nephew and niece, I'm done now. There's really no way to make this okay, and I'm sick from the whole thing. I literally feel sick and achy and woozy. I hate anything to do with being alive, and I can't see why anyone would think I should. I'm alone here. Isolated and tortured in just about every was possible it seems. Who would want to live like this? Who would make even the slightest effort? I really don't know. I have absolutely no idea at all, in fact. There's really just no point to anything. Posted at 11:30 PM
<Yawn!> Another long but good day today - we managed to get ourselves all together by 10:30 this morning and headed to Toledo for a day at the zoo. As usual, the Toledo Zoo was fantastic, clean, open, full of new animals and exhibits, and full of fascinating stuff. My nephew, Hunter, is (and has been) deeply interested in animals of all kinds (although he seems supremely bored by birds), and he can't get enough of zoos and books about animals, so today was great for him. I enjoyed the animals, too, but pushing my grandma around in a wheelchair and then spending five minutes at each exhibit trying to show her where to look to see each animal was pretty exasperating (and often completely hopeless). It was hot enough to really dehydrate me and make me hot all day but not hot enough to make us sick, so I guess that end of things was a no-win situation. I'm glad, though, that a number of the standing buildings are air conditioned, or I would never have made it out of the zoo alive. We followed up the zoo with a trip to the Westfield Franklin Park Mall, partly to have dinner at Claddaugh Irish Pub, which I knew my nephew and niece would enjoy (they had never seen one and did indeed enjoy it), and I also wanted to go to Dick's because my niece has been wanting some Heely's shoes, and none of the stores out where my sister lives carry them. Without being able to try them on my sister didn't want to purchase them online, so this seemed to me like a great chance last night, and I looked up the Heely's website and looked for where we could find some - and thus we went there today. By the time we were all done with everything and had driven all the way back to Sandusky it was past 10:00 at night, so we were all feeling tired. The kids had more energy than the adults, I think, and they watched a little TV, but that was it, and I've certainly been up much longer than I probably should be considering tomorrow is full of all sorts of appointments and crap, all of which I have to coordinate and chauffeur for (like, yeah). So it's time to sleep - which won't be at all hard. Hopefully I'll get some solid sleep because I've had 5 and 6 hours of sleep only for the whole of the last two nights respectively, and for a guy that likes 8 or 9 hours a night, that simply isn't enough. So here's to sleep - it does a body good.
So today, after a night of too little sleep (six hours last night after only five the night before), I got up and helped fix breakfast and get everyone together to go, me so that I could drive to Cleveland to pick up my mom from the airport, and my grandma, sister, nephew, and niece to go grab lunch at Toft's, our favorite dairy and ice cream shop. My trip to get my mother and get back seemed to take forever, and my back was tight and achy from sitting in my seat so long - but - I persevered (why, I have no idea). When we got back we immediately got to work pulling together dinner, and that took over two hours (and far too much food was made, honestly). The meal was quite tasty, but there were enough left-overs to fill every last inch of space in both my grandma's and my refrigerators, and there were more dishes to wash than I could ever recount. Simply put, there was far more effort put into all of this than the meal merited, even if it was good. I'm quite tired and achy as the evening grows long, and I've realized that while I've always said that the original British version of Whose Line is It Anyway is vastly more funny than the American version (even with as much as I like Drew Cary), the larger truth is that Whose Line just isn't very funny anymore at all, even compared to just the earlier American episodes. My nephew and niece are enchanted by the show, though, and never miss it if they can help it. Of course they're 11 and 7 respectively, so their tastes are certainly less discriminating. Oh for simpler times ... Posted at 10:54 PM
It's been a fun day at Cedar Point with my sister, nephew, and niece, but I must say that the prices for food and gifts are simply outrageous. That didn't stop us from eating well, just complaining about it, but it was still outrageous. There is certainly no doubt that we would have bought more gifts, notably sweatshirts all around, if a simple sweatshirt anywhere in the park hadn't cost $40. Still, the park sucked out about $300 today inside the gates after already getting $9 for parking and $130 for admissions (that was with the AAA discount of $7 each). It is clearly no wonder why Cedar Fair always shows a solid profit margin. All cash issues aside, we had a great time. The park was fairly busy as far as visible crowds, yet attendance must have been low as school resumed for some. There is simply no other way to explain why we were able to so quickly get on every ride we wanted. There was only one ride all day that took more than 15 minutes to wait in line, and that was the Giant Ferris Wheel at 9PM (and we still can't explain that delay fully). Consequently, we rode all sorts of stuff. The fact that Hunter and Christa both reached just past 52" this year meant they were eligible to ride pretty much anything they wanted to, so we had the full range of options before us. We made quite a day of it and never had a bad moment, and with an 11-year old and a 7-year old, that's quite an accomplishment. We finally left the park about 10:30 PM as everything was closing down around us. Having gotten there at 10:30 AM, a half hour after the park opens, we had a pretty full day. Also today, I had the opportunity to gawk at literally hundreds of absolutely beautiful boys all over the park, many of them shoeless and or shirtless as they went to get on or get off of one of the big water rides. Clearly not everyone was back to school yet, and the masses of high-school-age to college-age young hotties was amazing. Guys clearly outnumbered gals today, too, and I was often practically overpowered with the array of gorgeous flesh on parade at every direction. Wow! It defies full explanation, really. Just ... Wow! Posted at 1:08 AM
The sister-unit has arrived, the two Energizer bunnie in tow. More news as it comes ... Posted at 10:37 PM
Once again, Ohio shows how deeply entrenched it is with those all-important conservative "family values." After a prank by two high school football stars caused two other teens to crash their car - breaking bones throughout the body of one of the teens and leaving the other with brain damage - the two football star perpetrators received a delayed sentence in court so that they could finish their football season. I suppose that considering the mere 60 days in juvenile hall that constitutes their sentence, the extra-special deferment for something as all-important as football should have been expected. The two victims may never fully recover from this, but we certainly wouldn't want to give the perpetrators the idea that what they did was wrong and that there are serious consequences to pay. Besides, you just can't take two key players off a the high school football team. That could empower Satan more than anything (sayeth the fundies)! The conservative/fundamentalist/Republican mindset that dominates Ohio and fucks everything up everywhere in this state is alive and well. These mindless jackasses whine and scream about possibly hurting some little puddle of spooge, well before any sentience belongs to it, yet they have no problem with completely removing any responsibility from a clear act of negligent near-manslaughter. This is just the same hypocrisy they show by invariably supporting the death penalty and every possible war they can find to support. Killing for these folks is great, something to be celebrated - just so long as it doesn't involve some unformed lump of zygotes. Worse, I think, than this travesty of justice, is the reactions of many of these people as shown through the example of one of the perpetrators' fathers.
And here is the lie in all of this. If the perpetrators in this had been a couple of goth kids or a couple of loners or a couple moody unpopular kids, they would immediately have been found guilty of conspiracy to murder and treated like the next Columbine killers. I'd have to tell Mr. Howard that it's "about football players" because if it were anybody else the police, the courts, and the public would unilaterally have chosen to have hung them. It's hard to say how an honor roll/advanced placement student would have been treated, but I somehow doubt that the judge would have allowed him to stay in school until the end of the semester so that his grades wouldn't suffer. The bottom line is that NOBODY but a football star would have been given even remotely close to this kind of special treatment. This is a sad day for jurisprudence, yet it is still just another typical day in dumb-fuck Ohio. Please ... write your congressmen now and push for the thinning of the herd. A little genocide in Ohio now could improve the gene pool for all future generations.
Posted at 12:10 AM
Pop Quiz --- Do you prefer Pepsi or Coke? Posted at 9:20 PM
A rare moment of undeniable vindication for me today - my grandma had a regular appointment with her hearing aid providers, today being an annual testing day, and her results show that she has lost significant hearing in her left ear and some in her right, justifying my insistence on each of our past quarterly visits that she was not hearing things as well, leading to my having her hearing aid volumes adjusted upward. Today, based on the findings of the new test, the hearing aids were both readjusted to the optimal settings (it's all computer controilled, covering various ranges of sound). The first words out of the technicians mouth following the recalibration elicited a comment of "Wow! That's so much better," from my grandma. Clearly even the increases in volume over the past two visits were not nearly enough. I find that I am often on the ball about what's ailing my grandma or what would help her in some situation, but it is sadly rare that I have proof positive that I was indeed correct. It's not so much that I need the reassurance (although that sometimes helps), but it is almost imperative anymore that I can justify myself to my grandmother who increasingly more often refuses to accept anything I say or suggest, apparently just to be beligerent, get me upset through an unending argument, and deny that she is ever wrong. She'll likely forget these facts by tomorrow since they are useful and helpful - she can remember every detail of the gossip her friend Agnes tells her in complaining about her son (whom my grandma has never met), but she never manages to remember (or should I say remember accurately) what a doctor or some other qualified professional says. Today's events are no different, of course, so while I feel vindicated now, I should enjoy this small victory. It surely won't last. Posted at 11:59 PM
All that is gold does not glitter, and all that glitters is not gold. Why does this old adage keep coming back to haunt me? Posted at 12:21 AM
I curse that damn yard and the seeds that made it! Damn I hate yardwork. I spent pretty much al day out there, until 6:30, and my back is killing me from all of the stooping and bending and kneeling and reaching. It's a sure sign that I'm out of shape, of course, but I wouldn't be facing this pain if I didn't have to screw around with this unending pain in the ass. This is not how I should have been spending today. I should have been relaxing, enjoying myself, having fun even, but instead I get this. Whoop de fuckin' do. Posted at 12:04 AM
What the hell is going on? A couple of months ago the TV I use in my living room died. It was a nice 29" set with a clear picture and good sound, and while it was old it was disappointing to see it meet its end - all the more disappointing because I didn't (and don't) have the money to replace it. I do, fortunately, have a TV in my bedroom, a 20" set with a good clear picture and decent sound, but of course I can't watch TV while laying in bed all day (although, sadly, that is largely what has happened). I took an old 12" set that my grandma wanted to get rid of and put it in the living room, so I do have a replacement, in a way, but the sound is crap and the screen is so small that I have to squint from my seat across the room, and I end up getting headaches from watching TV in the living room now, even if I'm doing something else and just have the TV on in the background. Then, about a month ago, the VCR in my bedroom died. I haven't been able to record on it for a while (a year or so) because is makes the tape so tight on the reel, but for whatever reason it still played fine - until a month ago when it ate a tape I'd recorded on the VCR in the living room and that tape is now a permanent part of the bedroom VCR. Obviously I can't afford to replace this either, and while I do have the VCR in the living room, now I must watch all taped stuff in there on the crappy TV set-up. All of this adds to the fact that the living room VCR is only a little more than a year old because my previous high-quality Pioneer VCR died on me and defied all repair. The replacement VCR has been nice (it's a JVC VCR/DVD combo), except for the fact that about four months ago two buttons on the remote stopped working, and of course they have no corresponding buttons on the unit. They only are a problem when watching DVDs (which I can't afford to rent or buy, so it's not a big issue), but it makes for ma permanent problem that is a true bother. Now, as in tonight, my 17" Aluminum PBG4 Apple laptop computer has developed a single-pixel vertical line about six inches right of the left edge, thus smack in the middle of every web page I view or text page I type. It's a pastel yellow color, meaning that it shows up most everywhere. If it were dead pixels it wouldn't even be as annoying, but it glows right there in the middle of everything. I can happily say that I've never had a problem with dead pixels on any other sort of problem with an Apple monitor (and I've been buying Macs for years), so I suppose in a way I shouldn't be too upset, but instead, having had such a perfect record and never having had to deal with such problems for the past 17 years, it is all the more aggravating and distracting. I know that I run my computer a lot, many hours of every day, but I still never expected this, particularly from a Powerbook that's only about two years old. Even if I had money to spend (which I certainly don't), I wouldn't want to replace a computer until it was four or five years old, and I don't think I'd want to replace it for something like this. Still, the thought of having to have this yellow line in the middle of everything that comes up on my computer, everyday for hours a day for the next two or three years at least ... it just makes me cringe. I have very little doubt that this line will just keep annoying me more and more as each day passes. I have other frustrating problems that I have had to deal with over the last few months, clothing getting somehow damaged or stained beyond repair or a new nick in the beautiful wood top of my desk or any number of things that drive me nuts about the car, but these recent problems with electronics are particularly frustrating, not only because I use my TV, VCR, and computer so frequently, but because I take pride in my electronics and buy high-quality pieces that I expect to be long-lasting and ... well ... perfect. My TVs and VCRs are, to be fair, aging, and maybe it's time that they will begin to fail. I may not like that, and it's certainly inconvenient because I can't afford to replace them in any way, but I think that I can accept that reality. The problem with the VCR/DVD remote and, now, my Powerbook's display are even more frustrating because they are both still quite new as I see it. Like everything else in my life I just have to live with it. Life shits on me and I just have to take it. I'm honestly tired and sick and massively depressed as a result of having no recourse but to take it, but that's all I can do. I hate my life, and things like these, even though they are probably just everyday occurrences that should be expected, just bring me down, moreso because they seem to all pile up on me. None of this shit happened while I was living at the Arts Center for years. Everything worked fine, remarkably so, and I had none of this crap. Now that I'm in Sandusky I get sick regularly, after having rarely ever gotten sick at all; I have my grandma turning into a combative, nasty old lady when she always before was a sweet demure saint; and I also seem to have all sorts of problems with my electronics and computers that require me to completely replace them or completely do without, and I certainly never had to face that crap before coming here. Living in Sandusky is like combining all nine planes of Hell into one. For me this has been absolutely miserable, and I'm so, so weary of it all. Why someone doesn't just finish the job and shoot me is beyond my comprehension. I hate this existence.
Blah ... blah-blah, blah blah blah, blah blah-blah blah. Yes, my grandma sure can talk. She can tell the same reminiscences over and over and over. And over. All on top of my migraine. Sadly her stories are not an old family remedy. Posted at 12:02 AM
My head continues to bing, bang, and wallawalla in pain. I hate migraines - not even so much for the excruciating pain but for the unpredictable duration, a period which is invariably far too long. I've passed 24 hours now, and I can only hope that this isn't one of those two weeks nightmares of skull-fuckery. Posted at 12:44 AM
Ooo eee ooo ah ah, bing bang wallawalla bing bang. Posted at 10:12 PM
Damn. Posted at 2:12 AM
It's been a long day, and I'm phenomenally tired. Caring for the elderly is never as easy as it sounds, and at some points it's just downright draining in every possible way. Yesterday and today have been like that, and I doubt tomorrow will be much (if any) different. Hopefully I'll get a long, solid sleep tonight. That would help to be sure, and it would be a huge leap forward after the less-than-stellar sleep I had last night. Posted at 11:51 PM
It's appalling to me that so many important figures in history seemed to envisage the ugly philosophical possibility of what has now appeared in reality as the Bush administration (and the Republican party).
Posted at 11:26 PM
Good grief, Charlie Brown! Do you realize that your body and head are shaped like a penis and Snoopy's head is shaped like a boob? Posted at 11:20 PM
I'm hungry ... but it's too late to eat. Posted at 11:47 PM
While I can't say I've been exactly happy today, I have had a number of positive things going for me. One big thing was getting about nine and a half hours of sleep last night, only interrupted by waking up once! That may not seem like a big deal (and shouldn't), but I have had massive trouble for months getting a decent amount of sleep, and I have a minimum of two times that I wake up during the night and sometimes more. Also a big positive, probably helped by the decent sleep last night, is that the neck and back pain/stiffness that I've been suffering for the past few days was much better today - still annoying and troubling, but considering it had just been getting worse and worse, this was an excellent change in the right direction. I also appreciate the fact that these annoying mosquito and insect bites that I'd gotten on my ankles and lower legs have stopped itching. They were driving me crazy, and I kept scratching them, and that seemed to just make them worse. I used some lotion I had in my medicine cabinet, and while it only made a minimal impact while I was using it yesterday and the day before, today I have hardly even thought about the itching having ever even been a problem. And while it may seem laughable that I would find this as a positive,I got to watch a second broadcast of this week's new episode of Kyle XY. I've liked the show for the few weeks that it's been on, and I feel asleep Monday night when I was going to watch it at Midnight, so I missed out and wasn't sure I'd be able to catch up (this particular series is very serialized, depending pretty heavily upon having seen all of the previous episodes to really know what's going on). So I'm watching that now and really enjoying it, and it makes for a nice topping to add to the positive things I had today. Posted at 12:24 AM
I have no idea how people care for the elderly for a living. I would quit in a heartbeat if this were just a job and not because it's my grandma (even if she's seeming less and less like the woman I love her for being). Posted at 11:07 PM
I have rarely given columnist Harold Meyerson the credit he is due for his regular insightfulness. He regularly sees through the smokescreens of politicians and pundits, and he cuts through the crap and points to the truth, usually with an example of an appropriate historical comparison or a sense of how his topic fits into the bigger picture issues facing the world. Today's column is poignant in that so few newspeople are covering the hypocrisy of the Republican Congress' latest game-playing. At least we have Harold Meyerson since nobody else is doing their duty as a journalist. This Republican-dominated Congress has much to answer for, and the list keeps growing longer every day.
Posted at 11:09 PM
I'll give any of you five bucks if you can give me a decent reason to want to live, but flights of fancy and claims of how "Things will get better" are just as much bullshit as telling me that you just sent me the deeds for that bridge you sold me in Brooklyn. I'm open to any substantive reason to live, but I'll be damned if I can see any possibilities. Posted at 11:54 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © August 2006
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August 31, 2006
