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December 2007

 

December 31, 2007

Another year ends - not with a bang ... but with a whimper. It's a shame, really. This year startted off so well, with my depression breaking for the first time in years, with me exercising and losing weight, with my actually having moments of happiness ... There was so much potential last year, such a true awakening, but before even half of the year had passed it had all been destroyed by my sister, and I fell quite deeply back into despair. It's only been the last month that I've felt at all like I'm not sinking further and further into a dark, inescapable pit, and while I'm not mentally or emotionally where I was at at this time a year ago, I think I might be making my way back.

This new year, 2008, will hopefully play out as this past year should have, and I can assure you that my sister will not be given the chance to ever crush my spirit again, so if I can build myself back up, I might just have the time to get a better grip on it all and get mentally and emotionally stronger and stronger and better able to possibly find some version of life that's at least in some way worth living.

So here's a salute to the gift that was the first five and a half months of 2007, and here's a nod to the potentials of 2008 and the chance to make the hopes of 2007 finally a reality, albeit an unnecessarily delayed reality. And here's a one finger salute to my sister - "Fuck you, bitch. You are as good as dead to me now."

Happy New Year everyone, and here's wishing you all of the fortuen and happiness that your heart desires.

Posted at 11:30 PM

 

December 30, 2007

I had a very good time tonight with Steve and Mark and Dakota and Paul and Steffen in Perrysburg. We were all quite relaxed and talkative, and it was one of our better nights socially than we've had in a while.

Part of me wishes I had more chances to get together with these guys or with other friends, but the truth is that it has really become quite expensive to make the trip to Toledo, and I simply can't afford to go more often than when we all get together. It's a shame, really, because I'd love to talk politics with Steve over some coffee for hours or talk with Mark about life and kids and stuff or even just watch TV with one or more of the guys to see a movie or some sitcom or something. I think I'd take a pass joining into Mark and Steffen's obsession with UFC and other mortal combat-type shows, but there's something very centering and pleasant about just spending time around your friends doing simple things.

But I get what I need from these once every few weeks get-togethers, and the frequency of them is much more affordable this way (or as affordable as anything can be when technically I should work to spend less than $0 per day). And of course once my grandma gets back (which is less than a week from now), I'll have my hands full watching over her and taking care of her, and whether I want to visit friends or not will be an aside to the greater need of my obligations as a caregiver.

It's oddly satisfying to be in this role as caregiver , but it's just plain odd, too. I never would have guessed that this is where I'd be and what I'd be doing if anyone had even just suggested it anytime in the past, not that I wouldn't have been willing or capable, but I just never would have believed things would have fallen together as they have. Stranger things have happened though, even in my life, so never second guess what the future has in store. You'll find yourself surprised almost every time.

Posted at 12:35 AM

 

December 29, 2007

In dark days death resounds,
shattering light, silencing sounds.
Infinite traumas now take hold,
recalling loves and joys of old -
those gone lost, those now dead,
those betrayed, hopes ripped red.

NIghtmares and dreams now the same,
hopes joining fears, nothing remains.
The darkness shows the only way,
down to the depths, forever to stay.
Eternity beckons and I must submit -
The struggle has taken its final hit.

Posted at 7:49 PM

 

December 28, 2007

Melancholy is not what you get when you cross Lassie and a cantaloupe.

Posted at 8:20 PM

 

December 27, 2007

“Love is an attempt to change a piece of a dream-world into reality.”

- Henry David Thoreau

Posted at 11:49 PM

 

December 26, 2007

Me brain no worky.

Posted at 10:23 PM

 

December 25, 2007

Merry, merry, why ya buggin'?

... and if that odd paraphrasing means nothing to you, at least check out a true Christmas classic from the same wise men.

Posted at 11:27 PM

 

December 24, 2007

We now have a new lamp post/pole/whatever, even if it did take them more than a day to get here and then nearly four hours to swap out the old pole for a new one. That's one present I never expected for Christmas. I could have thought of things I'd much rather have had, of course, but this was much-needed, so I'll live with it.

I've been tired all day, having been up 'til 3 AM or so after not getting to bed until just moments before that. I had planned to just sleep in late and enjoy it, but my internal body clock had other ideas, and I simply could not go back to sleep, even with only just under six hours of sleep. Tonight I should sleep soundly, I'll imagine, and I again plan to sleep in late and enjoy the luxury. Let's hope my brain goes along with the idea this time.

Posted at 8:56 PM

 

December 23, 2007

So there've been incredibly high winds around here for the past 24 hours or so - like 50-60 MPH - and not only has that made driving interesting (particularly since I drove to Perrysburg and back to visit friends tonight), but it has also pushed hard enough to dislodge the lamp post for the street lamp in front of the house.

Now when I see lamp post I mean a real post, what most people would call a telephone pole except that there are no telephone lines on this, just a power line whose sole purpose is to power the street lamps. That post/pole, although solid wood, has been pushed so hard by the wind (and maybe loosened by the great amounts of rain over the last day or so), that it is now leaning at about a 75 degree angle (rather than the expected 90 degrees we'd want), and it's only still at 75 degrees because it's fallen to lean against one of the branches of our large maple tree out front.

I called Ohio Edison to report all this just as soon as I myself had noticed it, specifically just after 3 PM this afternoon as I was about to pull out of the driveway. I made clear that with the high winds and the precarious nature of how the post was leaning, it was quite hazardous and would probably come down completely at any time, bring the power line with it. I was assured that this would be taken care of, and while I worried during the whole drive to Perrysburg and during most of the drive back about the situation, I went ahead with my plans to be out of town anyway with the knowledge that things would be taken care of.

Or not. I just got back a bit less than a half hour ago after a long, enjoyable evening with my friends, and the post still leans, the winds are still whipping fiercely, and clearly nobody has done a damn thing. I shouldn't be so shocked, I suppose, but I am frustrated. There's a very real danger here that could be resolved before anything bad happens, but no action is being taken. I have to wonder if this would be treated any differently if the wire were actually down and sparking. Hopefully once we'd hit that extreme maybe they'd do something, but I have my doubts. The downed-line scenario could become real at any moment, and they could fix the problem now before it becomes dangerous, yet they don't. It makes you wonder when they even go out to repair things at all.

We'll see whether they do anything tomorrow, although being the day before Christmas I certainly have more than my share of doubt. Hopefully, things will remain safe in the meantime, but I'm not sure how easy I'll sleep knowing nothing has been done. This seems like such a no-brainer to me, and I'm just unable to see how Ohio Edison can be this incompetent. But then again it is Ohio, and it is a First Energy company. Incompetence from either of those things should be expected, and the two combined, ... well ... what was I thinking to expect any better?

Posted at 2:52 AM

 

December 22, 2007

All alone, full of longing, pained by the memories of loves lost in death and desertion, hopeless in the face of increasing age and minimized prospects, terrified of being alone - why do I make any effort to keep going like this? I should have ended this long, long ago, cut short the suffering ... should have spared myself and everyone else. Why am I so weak that I can't end the pain?

Posted at 9:25 PM

 

December 21, 2007

Do you suppose that the Pillsbury Doughboy has all sorts of half-baked ideas?

Posted at 8:38 PM

 

December 20, 2007

The more I educate myself, the dumber I feel.

Posted at 10:52 PM

 

December 19, 2007

Huge bees in the house in the middle of winter, plants falling over from their pedestals and spilling dirt, the lingering and irremovable smell of onions from them just sitting for one day, and a day (or at least the better part of a day) with the cable signal all scrambled and screwed up on every channel. Isn't that the kind of fun you expect me to have over the last day or so? If you said, "No", then you must not have been reading this Journal for very long ...

Posted at 9:34 PM

 

December 18, 2007

I am so tired today. On the plus side my back, while sometimes a bit stiff, doesn't really hurt me like yesterday. On the minus side, my arms feel ... not quite like rubber, but like the blood isn't circulating at all well. I'm quite sure it's just that my muscles aren't used to such a workout as I gave them yesterday, and they're worn out. It's one of the curses both of growing old and of not doing anything that keeps my muscle tone up in my arms, particularly my forearms. I'll survive, of course, but it's been making reading difficult since my arms are immediately tired just as soon as I hold up the book. Who would have thought that reading a book would be so exhausting?

Posted at 10:34 PM

 

December 17, 2007

My back is rebelling against three hours of shoveling snow and ice from earlier today. I think I've gotten past the tightening, painful warning signs of back spasms that cause me to have to contort this way and that to avoid the discomfort, but the stiffness and the dull ache are still a constant reminder of why I so dearly hate shoveling snow (and just to be clear - I could have done without the reminder).

Posted at 8:22 PM

 

December 16, 2007

Ugly weather has locked me up again. I had planned a trip to Perrysburg for the later half of the day, but similar to last week, the weather worked against me. Last week it was an ice storm; this week it's snow flurries and drifting snow (and some freezing to ice. Just like last week, too, it looks like things will not only stop coming down by tomorrow, but things should even start melting away tomorrow afternoon or the day after. Mother Nature's timing really sucks.

So today, rather than shovel snow or just sit watching TV, I installed Diablo II for the first time in a while (years probably) and played for hours with a new character. It grew tiresome after a few hours, as most of these games tend to do to me after the first play-through, but it was entertaining for a while. I still like much of the workings of Diablo and the playability, but since I already know the storyline and know what to expect in the different levels and various acts - not only in plot but in specific terrain and specific bad guys and their locations - it gets to be very repetitive in no time at all, and like anything else for me, monotonous repetition causes me to rapidly lose interest and glaze over. But like I already said ... it was fun for a while.

So now I'm bored. I'm watching The Incredibles on TV, and I do love this movie, but I've seen it many, many times, particularly in the past few months, so that's only holding my attention just so much either. How is it that there's absolutely nothing new on TV at this time of year, just things you've seen a million times. It's really a drag. Oh well, what's a guy to do?

Posted at 8:30 PM

 

December 15, 2007

It's snowed again. It's quite pretty right now, coating the rooftops and the ground evenly, without tire tracks or slush or melt. Tomorrow it won't look as pretty - and tomorrow I'll have to shovel the drivew3ays and the walks. And more may well come tomorrow, making it a short-lived value for the effort.

It's only here that I've had to mess with this snow, while I'm taking care of my grandma. I'd prefer to just enjoy the beauty of it, but instead I have to shovel and shovel and shovel. It makes the snow far more difficult to appreciate. And that's a shame really, because the snow can truly be very, very beautiful.

Posted at 9:05 PM

 

December 14, 2007

Am I a complete idiot to want things I can't ever really have? Would I be even more of an idiot to be satisfied with what has turned out to be my lot in life? Does either answer even matter?

Posted at 8:35 PM

 

December 13, 2007

"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

Posted at 6:27 PM

 

December 12, 2007

Why is it that every commercial on TV over the last few months seems to not only push selfishness but also foists the idea that screwing people over for your own selfish ambitions is okay - and even funny? If it were just one ad here or there it would be one thing, but it's like every half hour or more there's an ad that abandons any sense of compassion, caring, friendship, family, and humanity, all in the interests of self-interest. Is this supposed to be the new cultural standard? Have the Republicans gained that much control of all media that they can promote their standards so widely and freely? It all just makes me sick.

Posted at 12:05 AM

 

December 11, 2007

NIne hours of sleep! In one night! Woo-hoo!!

Posted at 11:17 AM

 

December 10, 2007

My grandma is now in Maryland, out for a three and a half week visit with my sister and her family over the holidays. The day was mostly taken up with getting my grandma together and getting her calmly and without rush to the Cleveland airport and to lunch and then through security and on to the flight. Things went smoothly, and now I find myself with a chance to sit back and relax a bit - the first time in about three months that I've been able to take a break and not have to constantly be watching over my grandma.

It's been a very busy day, and I'm actually achingly tired. But that's good in a way; it should make me sleep long and soundly, and without any reason to get up early to check on my grandma, I'm hoping to have a very full and lengthy night's sleep for the first time in a long time tonight.

Posted at 9:40 PM

 

December 9, 2007

I had to give up a trip to Perrysburg to get together with friends today due to some seriously icy roads. The freezing rain just kept coming down throughout the afternoon, and it was quite clear - both from the weather reports and just from direct observation - that everything was going to freeze into sheets of ice everywhere once the minimal effect of the sun through the overcast skies was gone after sundown. I probably made the right decision, considering the car slides on a drop of rain and gets completely out of control on snow or ice, but I was disappointed not to get a chance to get away and enjoy some company. Hopefully I'll get a chance next week, but it still won't quite make up for missing out today. I'd really been looking forward to a break from things after the busy and frustrating efforts of the last two weeks. Oh well. Poor little me. Can I get any more whiny? - Don't answer that!

Posted at 8:46 PM

 

December 8, 2007

I came close to completely going insane today after working with my grandma to pick out the jewelry she wanted to take for her trip and to figure out what toiletries and make-up had to be packed as well. Sounds simple, doesn't it? If only that would have been the case ...

I also got my grandma set back at writing up Christmas cards, which required a lot of repeated direction on my part, but once I got her going she got nearly all of them finished - just five people left that she somehow forgot to make cards for and one card that needs to be redone because she wrote the address wrong. Six cards should be easy for her to complete tomorrow afternoon, considering how well she did today, and then she's done. And the fact that she made two cards for some people (and three cards for one particular person) is not too big of a deal since in the end we still have things worked out so everything's done (and of course I just won't send those duplicate cards when I drop everything at the post office).

Getting my grandma through these things, plus helping her call in an order for poinsettias to be delivered to family members, and also helping her to make calls to a few neighbors to arrange some things, all took a great deal of time - and a tremendous amount of patience - and amazingly, I additionally managed to wash all of the laundry, clean my second-floor apartment (for the first time in over three months), finish packing up the last things that need to go with my grandma like medications and such, and I even read about a half-dozen new chapters of various online stories. I'm majorly exhausted and frazzled, and I'm only just now starting to wind down and feel like I'm not going to go crazy, but at least things got done, even if it was undeniably an ordeal.

Tomorrow should be quite a bit more relaxed and rewarding for both me and my grandma (at least I hope so), and that should make for a nice change from the hectic pace of the last couple of weeks. Hopefully it will work out that way, and hopefully the weather will cooperate and make things workable as well. We'll see. Tomorrow is, as they say, another day.

Posted at 11:18 PM

 

December 7, 2007

Surprise, surprise! I actually got all of the things done I wanted done by today, and I even had time left over to kick back and relax! After two weeks of rushing around and still falling behind each day, failing to get one thing or another done, I'm finally getting a lot of stuff done and setting myself up for a nice "Winter break" where I can read, watch movies, play some computer games, and work on some personal projects that have been lying in wait until I have time free from caring for my grandma. She's due to fly out on Monday with my sister for a holiday stay in Maryland, and I'm not at all hesitant to say that I'm anxious to get her on her way. I need a break!

I still have a number of things I want to get done tomorrow and Sunday (tomorrow in particular), but with all that I finished off today, I'm setting pretty good for what awaits me tomorrow.

These past few weeks have been crazy getting everything done for the holidays and for getting my grandma ready for her trip, and I'm glad the insanity won't continue much longer. I'm seriously burnt out right now, and it's time for some renewal.

Posted at 11:41 PM

 

December 6, 2007

Conjunction junction, what's your erectile dysfunction?

Posted at 9:53 PM

 

December 5, 2007

Is it too soon to mention that I hate shoveling snow? A lot?

Posted at 11:11 PM

 

December 4, 2007

Too much stuff to do and too little time. That's part of the problem with this time of year.

Posted at 8:27 PM

 

December 3, 2007

Damn but this time of year is depressing when you don't have someone to love.

Posted at 12:34 AM

 

December 2, 2007

My emotions are all over the board today. I really just want a quiet corner to sleep and forget. If only I could truly forget ... so many things.

Posted at 12:56 AM

 

December 1, 2007

It would be so much quicker and easier - and certainly much less wear on my patience - if I could just make out all of the cards my grandma wants to send out for Christmas greetings to her friends, but I want to be able to let her do it herself. She deserves that personal satisfaction, but it's amazing how difficult it is just to help her get the right name and address on the envelope, let alone write a message inside that's reasonably cogent. And it takes a phenomenal effort to get her to just address a card and write a note and not spend a day telling me stories about the person she's sending the card to. I'm glad she has those wonderful memories, but really - there's a time and place for everything, and all I want is to help her get these cards done so they get to people before Christmas.

My grandma's happy with what she's getting done, though, so that keeps me going. It will take a while to finish these - at least the next week or more to be sure - but her happiness should make it worth it (Please! Please! Let it be worth it!). BY this time next week I have another project I have to work upon with her, so let's hope I can get this much done. We'll see.

There's just never a break in the fun, is there?

Posted at 10:18 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2007