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Jinkees!! Posted at 9:34 PM
One of my favorite teachers of all time (and definitely my favorite teacher in high school) died a week ago. His memorial service was today, and as befitting the kind of man he was there were cars double-parked everywhere and barely even standing room left inside the building during his service. I was disappointed, honestly, that his service was on a Friday morning, when many people would be unable to make it, but I really have no idea where they would have held a weekend service because there simply wasn't enough room today, and a weekend service would surely have been three to ten times as big. The service itself wasn't anything special, but it did give me time (and reason) to dwell in my memories a bit all day ... and that's always a mixed bag filled with good and bad, and today was no exception. Rest well H.D. You were a far better "dad" than my sorry excuse for a father ever imagined being. You made a huge difference in my life, and you helped provide the centerpiece of nearly every moment of happiness I had during all of high school. Thank you, Mr. Lavy. You will never be forgotten.
Posted at 10:03 PM
Clearly none of these school officials have received the divine touch of his noodly appendage.
Posted at 10:12 PM
My exercise, dieting, and weight loss continue to go well. I had expected (hoped) to have lost more weight when I went through my weekly weigh-in this morning, but I hadn't lost what I wanted. It was still a very decent loss, and honestly any loss is a continued step in the right direction, but the stress of the past week, between my mom and my grandma, has had me really looking forward to something - anything - positive and encouraging. I'm more than willing to admit that I really want to eat more food and more often, particularly during this week as stress agitates my stomach and eating has always been not just a form of comfort but a means of making sure I avoided an ulcer. I've been able to keep myself on track regardless, but it gets more difficult as I go along. The exercise has been a strain as well, not initially but certainly during this past week where I doubled the amount of time I have spent on the treadmill daily. The extra time has surely helped keep the weight loss moving well, but I"m pushing my limits each day by the end of my workout. I've decided I should cut back a little, so that I'm still getting some solid exercise but not going too far, and that will mean cutting back the overall time by about a quarter. I should probably do that right away, but I've decided to push myself for the next couple of weeks. Why? Well, in just eight more days my sister and nephew and niece will be here to visit for Easter, and I will spend about four days eating back at normal levels and not exercising at all (or not much). Even though I'll diet and exercise before and after they are here, I sort of dread the possibility of regaining any weight from my little holiday, so I figure that keeping a slightly overzealous exercise routine for the next nine of thirteen days could well be worth it in the long run. Of course I could just be crazy, too. The ned result is the same anyway, right? Posted at 10:03 PM
Yes, it's a all fun and games here at the house for the elderly, where we have to find the hearing aid that never should have been taken out in the first place, and where we give the same answer to the same question that has been asked at least once or twice each hour all day, and where we are condemned for not answering calls on the intercom when no words are spoken and the call/ringer button isn't used. Yes, it's all fun and games. Fun. Posted at 10:26 PM
My mother is gone! I got up early today and drove her to the airport, and by 9:30 Am I'd put her into the line for the security check-point and made my way back to Sandusky. We had a long (two and a half hour long) appointment with the optometrist for my grandma, and once again they brought up the option of having a cornea replacement in her right eye (which is pretty much useless because of corneal scarring). The new procedure for this is no more invasive than laser corrective surgery, and it's a simple out-patient procedure that takes only about an hour. I've been for the thing all along but have told my grandma that the choice must be hers. I had asked my mother to do some research on the internet about the operation during my grandma's winter visit so that they could both be well informed, but since my mother decided up-front that she was against the whole idea she didn't look up anything. In fact she didn't have any idea of what was involved and was sure there was a long hospital stay and major cutting and all sorts of ridiculous stuff involved, even though I had told her otherwise when the doctor first brought the whole thing up six months ago. My grandma has been concerned from the first about the costs - and nothing else. Six months ago she repeatedly (to the point of driving me crazy) told me she couldn't afford to pay for something like that (which is nonsense - she certainly could pay the whole thing out of pocket if she so desired), but that was a moot point since the doctor made clear that insurance almost always covers the operation inn cases like hers. I realized six months ago that this was an issue for her, and while I tried to get her to forget about that and just decide if she wanted the operation for its actual benefits. Fast forward to today, and she pointedly asked the doctor (in about six variations of the same question) whether insurance would cover it, and he reassured her that it almost surely would, and that the receptionists could check with her insurance company before any decision was made, if she wanted to be sure. As soon as she said that she was ready to say "Yes", but both the doctor and I suggested she think about it some more and then let him know. as much as I'm for her going ahead, I don't want her to do it simply because it will won't cost her anything. I tried to express that to her, but we kept coming back to the fact that insurance would cover it, and wasn't that wonderful. !!! So I'm going to let the issuer die down and then revisit it with her later next week, when my sister is here for Easter, and we can all discuss it together. I'd like to come out of that discussion with a firm decision one way or the other, but I want to make sure the final choice is based on more than just whether or not it will cost anything out of pocket.
I'm sick of people telling me they know what I'm thinking or they know why I do things or they know my motivations. I'm sick of them telling me that my feelings are ridiculous or that my fears are stupid. I'm sick of people thinking they have me pegged even when I tell them that "It's not really like that" or make clear that they've "made some wrong assumptions" based on a complete lack of any attempt to seek out any facts. I'm sick of people being judgmental and self-righteous but pretending that they're doing and saying all of these things because they know better than me and they have my best interests at heart. If you had my fucking best interests at heart you'd ask questions to get some factual data and then discuss things with me to make an informed decision and then make suggestions that I could evaluate openly with you. Forcing your narrow, self-centered, uninformed viewpoint on me as the only option will not only fail to get me to do what you seem to expect me to do but it will also turn me into your enemy faster than you can blink, regardless of how staunch our friendship may have been beforehand. I may have tried to be patient and listen to you in the past, but any of you who automatically assume you know everything about me and think you know how I should run my life can save us both a lot of time and heartache and go fuck yourselves and fix up your own fucked up lives before you even consider messing with mine. And then, if you get that far, go fuck yourselves again and leave me the fuck alone. Posted at 12:35 AM
Spring is on its way ... I hope ... Posted at 9:20 PM
Grocery shopping should never take four hours - not even with an old, quick-to-tire, forgetful, indecisive woman like my grandma. Please kill me now. Posted at 11:45 PM
Two days. Only two days and already I'm getting stressed and frustrated. It is to a large degree more due to my mother that I'm getting stressed than due to my grandma, but it's clear to me that it will take two or three weeks for me to reacclimate to this whole caregiving situation. Yes, I'm a whiny bitch - but I'm a whiny bitch with every right to be so. Posted at 10:07 PM
It's amazing how I lose so much of my day whenever my mom is visiting. You would think that I might actually even be freed up a bit since she could be expected to spend some time with my grandma. That's not the way it works, however. It's almost like I have to take care of both of them time-wise, even though I don't physically do as much (like cooking or what-have-you). It's only 'til Monday morning, I know, and maybe it's not as bad as it feels, but I've gone almost three months without having to take care of even my grandma, so the whole thing is sort of like system shock. Just had to get that out of my system ... Posted at 10:44 PM
They're here! Posted at 12:07 AM
So now I'm 40. Four-zero. Fuck! That just sucks. Now I have to officially realize and admit that I'm old. That really stinks. I haven't really had much of a birthday. I hadn't really expected much, considering that I wasn't looking forward to turning forty, and considering that I knew I had a lot to do today to make final preparations for my grandma coming home tomorrow. Yeah, some fun to spend your birthday shopping for groceries, washing laundry, making beds with fresh linens, and and that sort of thing. All of that might not even have been so bad considering I figured I'd sleep in nice and late since this would probably be my last chance for a long, long time. But of course every time I intentionally try to sleep in and enjoy it, either my mom or my grandma make sure to get me up early for no valid reason whatsoever, and it should be no surprise that they called together this morning and woke me up. They wouldn't want to wait until later to call - that might break up their whole day and ruin everything! And that first unpleasant experience of being woken up from a very contented sleep was just the first of a string of dreariness and disappointment for the whole day. Today has been my last day of freedom, my last day before my grandma returns and my mom visits, even if only for five days. As the last day of freedom and as my birthday I should have been doing something enjoyable - I should have been doing something relaxing - I should have been doing something just for me. But no - I went out of my way to spend my time doing shit for my grandma, and why? She won't care. Hell, she doesn't care enough to wait until Noon or later to call on my birthday, and when I make clear that she woke me up from trying to sleep in late does she apologize? Of course not! She tells me I was probably up half the night and it was my own fault! Well fuck you, too, bitch! Happy fucking birthday to me. Happy fucking birthday. Posted at 11:46 PM
Steve cancelled our get-together today because he stayed up too late last night on the computer, screwing around, and was just too tired to do anything today but sleep. That's okay I suppose, and I surely don't mind saving the time and gas money from a drive to Toledo, but I am a bit disappointed. I had hoped for the socialization time this one last chance before my mom and grandma come back Tuesday night, but that's not happening, so I'll just have to live with it. I ended up reading a few new story chapters on the net for stories I've been following, and I played Age of Mythology for a few hours before deciding to just wind down in front of the TV and a last story chapter or two (newly posted since when I had last checked). It's been a lazy day, and I haven't done much of anything - certainly nothing practical - but it's my last day of freedom in a way. Tomorrow will require a lot of errands and taking care of last-minute things, and then Tuesday I'll have to head out for Cleveland to pick up my mom and grandma and bring them back. IT hardly seems like she's been gone for all that long, but now it's just about over. Oh well - it couldn't last forever. Posted at 11:10 PM
Hell, I'm almost half Irish - why can't I get lucky? Posted at 11:00 PM
I've doubled the amount of time I'm spending exercising each day (starting this past Wednesday) so that I can keep burning fat at a decent rate and keep losing weight as a result. The first couple of days were telling in that I was notably more stiff and sore - not to the point of discomfort or slowing down my continued exercise, but still noticeable. Now, after four days at this new pace, I'm finding myself feeling slightly more tired. I think I've reached my limit for where the balance of exercise and lowered caloric intake (i.e. eating somewhat less than I usually would). I'm going to finish out a full week like this and see what the results are on the scale, but I have an inkling that I'll need to eat more or exercise a little less to find a good balance. I'm all for losing my extra weight fast, believe me, and I'm thrilled that I've been doing so well at this. There are times when I've wanted to eat more, but I've had the self-control to hold back, and moreover I've not felt like quitting yet except for that really bad depressed day when I remembered about the anniversary of Ken's death. At this point I've gone six and a half weeks on this diet and exercise regimen, and to not feel like giving up or giving in is promising. All of that said, however, this week, at least these last few days, has been trying. I'm clearly pushing the limits on my body, and while I want to lose weight, I want to do it in a healthy - and lasting - manner. So we'll see how this week works out, but after my weigh-in on Wednesday morning I think I'm going to reevaluate where I stand and readjust the routine again. There's no point in getting myself worn out or feeling unpleasant because I'm pushing too hard. That would, in fact, probably defeat what I'm trying to do, which is of course to lose weight but also to try to get myself into a routine of exercising regularly and eating better with the goal of keeping those things up for the rest of my life, even though I'll surely relax a bit on both once I'm to a weight that seems right as a balance point. If I push myself too hard I'm not enforcing good routines, and it's certainly likely that I'll just come to hate exercising and eating less rather than feeling the benefits, and quite honestly these past few days have been the first that I haven't felt happy about the way I've physically come out of the exercise and dieting. Right now I'm tired and even a good bit hungry. I've got the will-power to hold off on eating anything else for now, but I don't like feeling this hungry and weak. It runs counter to all that I'm trying to achieve. But I've promised myself to see where I'm at on Wednesday, so I will persevere. Let's just hope it doesn't kill me before then,
I don't see how anyone can argue with this assessment:
Posted at 12:07 AM
3.14159 = π (That's this moment... figure it out). Posted at 1:59 AM
I took my computer to the Apple Store on Thursday, and I got it back today. In fact they called me late yesterday afternoon to let me know it was ready. If it were just an issue of how fast they worked and how well they fixed my problem, I would be thrilled. And in fact they were very fast, and there are not only no lines on the screen, but things seem even brighter (which is probably more just my reaction after four or five days using my older machine, a Powerbook that doesn't have as much brightness from the LCD). So yes, I should be thrilled to have things fixed and back to me. And I would be if I hadn't been treated like shit by the so-called 'Geniuses' at the Apple Store. In fact I don't hesitate to say that this was my worst in-person customer service experience in years (eBay transactions, which regularly piss me off, are another matter). I was furious by the time I left, and I was determined to exact my pound of flesh, not by making a scene but by contacting Apple's feedback system for experiences in the retail stores. And wouldn't you know it - the feedback system is down (they claim that it'll be back up "in March", but I have news for Apple - it's March already, fuckers). So while I've cooled down quite a bit as far as my feelings minute to minute, I have grown even more pissed off with each passing minute in regards to the overall situation of the bad treatment I received. I suspect that by the time I actually find a way to make my complaint to Apple I will be so fucking angry that I'll lose all control and rather than explain the situation reasonably I'll probably just tell them all to go fuck themselves and die. Or something like that. I am so fucking pissed of at this whole fucking assinine situation, and I'm PISSED that the lady who had owned her iPod for a few months and still had no idea how to use it was getting more attention and more courtesy and politeness than me, the guy who waited patiently for an hour being completely ignored and who spent $400 today alone out of the thousands upon thousands that Apple has garnered from me over the years. Rather than basically telling me to pay up and get out (not said in so many words, but that was the effect), all I really wanted was a little courtesy, a little time and patience while I checked out my Powerbook to make sure that the repairs had indeed been made and things were good to go, and maybe a maximum of three more minutes of time while I asked a couple of questions to make sure everything was as I needed it. That was clearly too much, though, and the lady who couldn't simply read the fucking instructions deserved more time, patience, and courtesy than me, even though they wouldn't see a single cent from her during that visit. Fuckers. I tell you, I'm not letting this go. This isn't the first bad experience I've had at the Apple Store, but it was the one that I was unwilling to accept, and it is the one that's going to put me on a crusade for justice. Fuckers. I will have satisfaction. I will. Posted at 11:52 PM
Is it just me or is this season of 24 more of a soap opera than all of the past seasons? Since the first episode of the first season I have been a fan. The cinematography always made things seem real. The storylines, while pretty over-the-top and too fully explained, still felt believable and were always compelling. The acting was great. The whole spy/special agent thing never seemed any more real. This season, however, I have found myself repeatedly disappointed in a storyline that seems incredibly contrived. The whole concept this season seems like they're trying too hard, and when that base story isn't disappointing then the pathetic side-story characterization of everyone in this show as a completely dysfunctional idiot has worn more than thin. In past seasons it was easy to always hate Kim, the air-headed daughter Jack always seemed to have around even though she caused far more problems than she solved. I was okay with her as the obnoxious person to hate - that seemed realistic, because really you never like everybody in a large group of people. Now, though, Chloe (whom I've previously liked) is annoying. Morris is beyond annoying. Heck, everyone, even Jack himself, are all just plain annoying far too much of the time. I've hoped for a turn-around, something that makes me feel like this was just a few slow or "off" episodes, and the good stuff is on its way, but after weeks of telling myself this same thing and never seeing anything better, I'm at the end of my patience and expect things to be unbelievable and disappointing all season. I really, really should just stop watching, and for the life of me I don't know why I don't, but I am certainly truly disappointed. What used to be one of my favorite TV programs just isn't anymore - in so many ways. And now, with Heroes taking a break until mid-april, 24 is all I have to watch on Mondays. It's a shitty situation, and I'm so, so unhappy about it. Posted at 10:16 PM
Deep fried bacon ... that's just plain wrong ... Posted at 12:24 AM
Jump, mothafucka, jump! Posted at 8:26 PM
I more people had the grasp on reality that Harold Meyerson consistently shows, then the world would be a much better place.
Posted at 11:24 PM
I took a trip to the far side of Cleveland today. That's where the closest Apple Store is located, and the number of vertical lines of my laptop's screen was just getting too out of hand to put off getting it fixed any longer. The thing is, even though I knew that I was going to have to leave it with them to ship to Apple for repairs, I feel like a parent sending their young child to camp - worried about how well the people you've left them with will care for them; worried about how long they'll be away; worried they might not come back the same as they were ... So it was just more irrationality as usual, I suppose, but I felt really weird leaving my Powerbook like that. So now I'm using my old Titanium Powerbook. I've repaired it up to working order (mostly), and I should be fine until the repairs are done on the newer one. This one (the Titanium) does some weird little things now and then, as if telling me it isn't completely fixed, no matter what I want to believe. Fine then. As long as it works for the week or less my other unit is supposed to be away, then I can get by. I do wish this machine was in perfect shape and working like a charm, but clearly that's not going to happen. Ah well, a week or less isn't long to wait. Posted at 12:41 AM
Thirteen years have passed, yet the pain of loss is still fresh. I miss you, Ken. I still love you so much, and I don't know what to do without you. No one can ever mean as much to me as you still do, and no one seems to understand me like you always did. I miss you. I miss you so much. Be at peace, sweet boy. Be at peace. Posted at 9:03 PM
Today was busy and productive, and I feel better than I did yesterday, almost to the point of feeling good again, so that makes today a great success in my book. I got a much-needed haircut, and that in itself makes me feel better - and look better. But I also got a lot of various tasks and errands done as well, not the least of which was filing to extend my deferment for my student loans. That seems to have worked out as well as I could have hoped, so I'm pleased. Heck, I even sprung for a carwash to get rid of all of the salt and grime from winter driving. Each thing I did today just worked, and while that may not seem like any big deal it was very satisfying. I'm used to always having at least one thing going awry or not as planned, and for everything to actually work out was like a special treat. Let's hope tomorrow is a good day as well. Posted at 12:10 AM
I'm better today than the past few days. I had been getting more and more depressed each day there, and while that in itself was upsetting enough since I've been enjoying not being depressed for the past few weeks, but the really upsetting thing was I just didn't understand why I was suddenly getting so depressed. I don't know why I was so shocked considering my depression comes and goes often with no rhyme or reason, just a result of some new chemical imbalance in my head. Sometimes, though, there's a trigger, and I think I know what it was this time. Wednesday is the thirteenth anniversary of Ken's death. Thirteen years have passed and it never gets any easier for me to deal with, but the strange thing is that I don't always consciously remember it. Last year, in fact, I was horribly depressed all through the first couple weeks of March, but it didn't click until the 9th, two days after the specific day, and then I felt even worse for not honoring him on the specific day he died. This year I remembered a few days beforehand, but the point is that my subconscious never forgets. Last year I knew and it threw me into a deep depression. And this year, even after well over a month of having washed most of my depression away, it came back stronger and stronger each day, fueled by my soulful mourning deep in my heart ... even if it took my mind a few days to catch up. Yesterday was pretty horrible. I was tired and incredibly depressed. After four days of building depression I hit a wall and became consumed with my depression. In fact I almost entirely gave up. At the beginning of February I started stretching and exercising, spending a half hour on an inclined treadmill each and every day and cutting my meals to half or less than what they've traditionally been, leaving me burning 450-500 calories in my workout and only taking in about 1000-1200 calories during the course of the day. I had originally hoped to work the treadmill for an hour and build up to two hours a day, but after the first half hour I found myself pretty damn exhausted since I'm so out of shape, so I committed to at least the half hour, and I was doing great about stretching, exercising, and eating better and less each and every day. It was paying off, too. I lost five pounds each week when I did a weigh-in on Wednesday mornings, and I've let things go long enough that it's important to lose that weight. Yesterday, though, I was so depressed from the moment I woke up until the moment I finally collapsed asleep that I felt completely defeated. I couldn't get myself to exercise or stretch at all, and I was consumed with the desire to overeat in a massive way. I wanted so badly to call the local pizza place for a massive order and just gorge myself, but I held back. I ate a little more than usual, although still certainly no more than 1500 calories for the day. I guess that was a victory in a way, but I feel like I lost in general by not exercising and by being so very, very close to giving up and giving in. Today I woke up feeling more in control. I'm still mildly depressed, but I'm better than I've been in three or four days, and I exercised and ate right today like I had been up until yesterday. I even got a bunch of tasks done that I've been putting off for quite a while, and I've felt almost good about it. I was extra stiff today, I must admit, and I don't know if it was the chemicals in my body that my depression had kicked out or if it was from missing one day of stretching and exercising, but I was definitely stiff and even a bit sore today to be sure. I'd like to think I'm back in control again, but with Wednesday still ahead and all of the pain that brings with it, I don't know what to expect. I'm trying hard, I really am, and I want to try to get myself back in shape and back to feeling better about myself and things. It's not easy, though, and with the anniversary of Ken's death almost here and then my own fortieth birthday not long after that, I'm not really having pleasant moments or memories helping me out in any way. Give me some good thoughts and send some good mojo my way if you can make the effort. Every little bit of positive energy could help, let me tell you. And right now I don't really have very much of that at all. Posted at 11:39 PM
So sad ... Posted at 11:35 PM
So little energy ... Posted at 12:45 AM
I'm feeling melancholy and uninspired again, neither of which are good things. I've been doing incredibly well the past few months, getting things done and feeling my depression slip away and even feeling good - even happy - some days. And now, at least the past few days, it's been a real struggle not to feel defeated, stuff my face with food, and not do anything, even to the extent of not caring if I get out of bed. I've felt this way just about every waking minute of the last three or four days, and so far I've fought it well, but like I said earlier, it's a bad sign. I hope things turn back around again. I may be doing a lot better, but I'm far from being strong enough and recovered enough to fight for long against the depression. Sadly it's not like I have any help either, and doing this on my own has not been something I've succeeded at in any sense of the word for over six years. Wish me luck - maybe even send me some good mojo - and I'll see what happens I guess. Posted at 9:23 PM
Don't get the idea that I in any way condone this man's behavior because I don't. Rape is abominable, and there simply is no excuse for anyone who perpetrates such crimes. However, when I read about this man's sentencing I found myself quite incensed because, to my mind at least, this is a clear case of discrimination against this man because he is gay. Why do I think that? It's simple, really. If you look at the history of servicemen accused of rape, particularly in the Air Force, you'll find that most of them are simply reprimanded. Many are dishonorably discharged. Few serve any prison sentence at all. Why? Well because they're straight men raping female service members of course! Somehow that's acceptable. Change things a bit, however, and make it a gay man perpetrating the rape and all of the sudden he faces stiff sentencing for his crimes, stiff even when compared with sentencing in criminal rape trials but incomparably stiff when compared to sentencing for rape by a military court. It's ridiculous I tell you. He deserves what he got and more, don't get me wrong, but when you compare this with the perpetrators of the Tailhook scandal or other things, he was royally screwed ... and simply because he's gay.
Posted at 1:38 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © March 2007
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March 31, 2007
