| home
| archives
| bio | stories
| poetry |
links | guestbook
| message board December 2010
The end is near. Posted at 11:59 PM
There is no hope, no future, no peace or happiness or usefulness. Any even microscopic points of light I had thought I could still see were just illusions, tricks of the mind. There is nothing but pain and sorrow, nothing but misery. There is no point in trying or caring or anything. Nothing I can do will make any of this better now or in the days to come. There's no point in continuing lying to myself. There is nothing - nothing. Nobody will help. Nobody cares. All you can count on from others is empty promises, outright lies, betrayal, backstabbing, and any other manner in which they can selfishly take advantage of you or screw you over. The universe will shit on those who don't fuck over everyone else, and everyone else will fuck over everybody they can. You can be a selfish, uncaring, lying asshole or you can be made miserable by a world that deserves only destruction. Posted at 9:06 PM
Thanks, Mom. Giving Hunter the same gift I bought for him - the same gift I e.mailed you about three times so that you knew what not to get - the same gift I told you person-to-person over the phone that I had bought from his wish list so that you wouldn't buy it - the same gift I told you about to the extent of even telling you about the materials it was made from and the lifetime warranty it carried. Thanks, Mom. Thanks for giving him the same gift - before he opened the same thing from me - and for still providing gift after gift for him from you when the only thing else I could afford to give him was a couple of books. Thanks, Mom. Good show. Classy, as usual. Posted at 11:18 PM
Seriously, isn't it about time this migraine ended? Even just for a day or two? Just to show it isn't never-ending? Couldn't it? Just maybe? Posted at 9:39 AM
Mini-sorta- break! Yea! My mom came in last night for a visit, and she'll take care of my grandma while she's here - mostly. I'll still need to get my grandma into bed and out of bed and help with a few other things, but mostly I get a chance to sit back and not have to do the regular duties throughout the day. It's not quite a true break or a vacation, but it's better than nothing. Posted at 11:49 AM
Let's sing the Doom Song - "Doom, doom doom doom doom dooom ..." Posted at 12:02 PM
Merry fuckin' Christmas. My present is an aching left hand - aching for no reason I can figure - and a cranky curmudgeon who won't believe me when I tell her it's Christmas. Good times. Posted at 10:55 PM
'Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house, When out in the yard there arose such a noise, Now dash away, dash away, dash away the pair - Posted at 1:03 PM
Will there never be an end to all of this cleaning, shopping, snow shoveling, and running around? I am seriously whipped - exhausted to the point of aching - and there's still stuff yet to be done!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Posted at 3:22 PM
Happy birthday, Greg! (I do actually remember these things) Posted at 11:16 AM
These 'days off' are so far helping me to get stuff done but are hardly 'off' in any way. In fact so far they've been even more rushed, stressful, and sleepless than other days. I still have hope for what this could be once all of the backlog of 'things-to-do' are completed, but that won't begin until at least January. I just hope some relaxation and 'off' are indeed in the future. Posted at 4:37 PM
It's amazing how quickly I can change from feeling decent and being ready to get some things done to feeling exhausted, suffering from a pounding migraine, and wanting to just sit down and maybe even take a nap. Thanks, Gramma! You can change me like nobody else! Posted at 12:40 PM
A quick suicide - jumping off a bridge or shooting yourself in the head - would probably be simpler than the death by inches I'm taking. It would certainly be quicker, less painful, and less difficult. Posted at 11:55 AM
Still exhausted. It's a wonder I can stay awake. Posted at 8:58 PM
I had big plans for things to do today, but I've been so, so tired all day, and it's been like moving through a sea of molasses. I did manage to get a number of things done, so I should be somewhat pleased - and I am - but there's a lot I wanted to do that didn't even get started. I like to hope that I'll be more awake and energetic tomorrow so that I can make some progress. There's still so much to do and now just a mere week to get it all done. Oh for cloning machine ... Posted at 9:15 PM
These days where I get my grandma to day care are exhausting so far. I'm running around everywhere trying to get shopping, errands, and tasks done, all with much more left to go because there's only so much time . I'm hoping to get to a point where I'm "caught up" by around the end of the year. If that happens then I could actually relax a bit, take a nap, read, or take a nap. I'll believe it when I see it, though. Right now, with the crazy, rushed, stressful days I'm putting in while my grandma is at day care, it's hard to imagine it could ever be restful. Posted at 7:04 PM
The tenth anniversary of this site comes in less than a month, and I have to seriously question what the hell I'm still doing here. I can barely write a full sentence on any given day around the stress and distractions, and what sentences I do produce are usually just whines, moans, or rants. What good is that? Posted at 1:10 PM
There is only pain and suffering. Everything else is delusion. Posted at 5:03 PM
Shoveling snow and scraping ice for hours and hours puts a dent in the daily routine ... a big, fucking, annoying dent. Posted at 8:03 PM
Hell would have to be a step up. Posted at 4:54 PM
Being a dreamer hurts when they never come true. Posted at 4:47 PM
It's funny ... in that sad-funny kind of way -- You couldn't pay me enough to do this job, and yet I do this job and get paid nothing. Posted at 4:40 PM
My grandma went to the adult day care again today, and she once again had a great time. I, on the other hand, am exhausted and thinking that these "free afternoons" are more stressful and exhausting than taking care of my grandma continuously throughout the day. The start was with the forecast that there would be no snow today - but that didn't count the snow that fell last night. So I still had to rush around getting my grandma ready so that I could shovel snow before the day care people came to pick her up. Things continued to sort of work but not work out perfectly and invariably take more time all throughout the day. I got a lot done, including a lot of grocery shopping and even a good start at shopping for Christmas presents, but I was constantly on the run, constantly running late, and constantly wishing I was anywhere else. It was (and still is) a hell of a day. Tuesday and Thursday next week and the following week will be similar "free afternoons" for me with my grandma at day care, but there's so much to do that it will be a miracle if I can get it all done. It's good, in a way, to have these times to go out because otherwise I just wouldn't be able to do any of these things since I couldn't leave my grandma alone, but part of the idea was to give me a break from my caregiving duties, and considering I'm getting up earlier than normal to make this work and I'm then running myself even more ragged than on other days, it hardly seems like this goal of a "break" is having any success. Hopefully January will be better. Hopefully I'll get a lot of these errands done and out of the way, and of course Christmas will be over. Hopefully it will all work out. Hope is rarely a good indicator of what will happen to me, however, so I'm not setting my expectations high. Posted at 8:54 PM
December is more stress than it's worth. Posted at 5:24 PM
A blanket of about three inches of snow was waiting for me this morning, the first morning I had arranged for my grandma to be picked up to go to an adult day care center (I took her last Thursday for the first time and she loved it, but today was the first time using their transportation). So on top of getting up early, getting my grandma all ready and me mostly cleaned up, I had to get enough of the walks and drive cleared to get a car in and my grandma out to that car. It all worked - and my grandma had another day that she truly enjoyed - but what is with a blanket of snow just one week into December? This sort of lasting snow doesn't usually come for a month. Is this just an unpleasant surprise or is this a sign of an ugly Winter to come? You surely know where my hopes lie. Posted at 5:10 PM
I'm depressed enough already, Mother Nature; I don't need these dreary gray days one after the other to make life seem even more bleak (Really - It already seems about as bleak as can be). Posted at 4:32 PM
Depression, exhaustion, migraine headaches, stress, and overwork - throw in an old woman with massive dementia, a lack of any ability to concentrate or pay attention, and a determination to do things her way (even if that's pointed out to be dangerous) - and you have my miserable life. Who wants to trade? Posted at 9:41 PM
Time for Timer! Posted at 8:40 PM
It's too early for this much snowfall. It makes me worry about what this Winter will be like. Posted at 4:41 PM
Posted at 3:52 PM
December barely starts and already we have below freezing temperatures and snow. I was going to rake the yard today, too, while Agnes was here visiting with my grandma, and while I wasn't really thrilled to go out and rake, I at least would get the leaves done since today is the start of the last leaf pick-up for the city. Now, with the weather, I'm thinking I won't go out, and what I've raked into a pile along the street will have to be enough, even though I'd really get the remainder and have it all completely done properly. It's too nasty out, though. As if cold and snow this early in December weren't bad enough, this makes it just that much more unpleasant. Posted at 1:54 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2010
|
December 31, 2010
