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My friend Chris (from Florida, although regular readers will remember him from his time in New Zealand) called me this morning. I haven't talked to him in a while and have been trying to reach him, but he's been busy with a whole bunch of work / school / art / other art / and group rec time for the last few weeks. It sounds like he's crazy busy but with all good stuff, and it looks like things are heading in very good directions for him. I was very happy to hear that. Of c ourse I'd be happy just to hear from Chris at all, but knowing that things are going well for him and coming together so well makes me feel good. I worry about my friends and I have high hopes for them. In fact I have high expectations because they're all so talented and intelligent and just plain good. So when things work out - in a world where bad things happen more often than good - then it's very satisfying and pleasing. Unfortunately Chris and I got cut off by a dropped call, and I suspect Chris' cell phone battery died since I wasn't able to get back in touch with him. We did get a good long talk, but I would have lover more. Still, I have a more clear idea of his schedule now, so I have a better idea when to call and get through to him, so we shouldn't go so long without talking as this last time. I do love hearing from my friends. I does so much to lift me up. Posted at 9:27 PM
A powerful wave of depression, an incredible migraine, a grandma who puts new standards out for senility, and the standard shitstorm of life - today has been very difficult and uncomfortable. Posted at 12:15 AM
Smokin' hot roofer guy will be finished by Noon tomorrow, never to return. : ( Posted at 9:48 PM
I introduced my nephew to Akira today, both in print and film. As interested in manga and anime as he is I was amazed he'd never seen this seminal work before. It's been some time since I've seen Akira myself, and it does still hold up well and look amazing. It does seem less action-packed and less pell-mell than more recent anime, notably, but the excellent story elements carry it through anyway. My nephew is hooked and wants to get hold of the series in print for himself, and he's interested in having his good friend see it, so I've clearly piqued his interest. I also got the most conversation I've gotten from him during this whole visit. It was a nice evening as a result. Posted at 12:10 AM
My sister, nephew, and niece have been here now since late Sunday night. Yesterday they spent much of the day out about town shopping and today they'll have spent just about all day at Cedar Point. They still have a couple other all-day outings planned for the remainder of their week here, and possibly even a third. That will still leave time for them all to visit here, but not much. Spending every other day almost entirely away from the house is good for my grandma so that she has a chance to rest, but it shortens the opportunities to talk and find out what's going on with everybody. My nephew and niece have had very little contact with me and we've never gotten close, and sometimes on these visits we just start to connect on some topic or interest and then they're on their way back home right away. I've missed being closer to my nephew and niece, but I also don't want to force them to talk to me either. And at their ages I might not have any luck even if I tried. So while they're still here I'll try to get what I can out of their visit, but it will probably go as it usually does and before I know it they'll be gone, and I'll hear nothing from them at all again (or about them) until they come to visit again, probably not un til after Christmas. : ( Posted at 8:28 PM
None of the things that got me to thinking while in Chicago were overwhelming or unconquerable on their own. Even all combined - while more daunting - they were not beyond even my cynical view of the possible. But together they do spotlight the one truth of my existence for the last fifteen years - there's simply nothing for me to live for. After Ken died I tried to move on emotionally and try to develop a relationship, thinking that would be what Ken would want, but I found that when I was able to get close to someone they still never measured up to Ken, and they were found wanting. I tried getting in better shape and exercise to make me feel better about myself, and that just made me more critical of myself and any little flaw, and eventually I gave up (and this has been, with small variations, the same cycle of health and exercise and diet that has followed me for one and a half decades). I got a better job in Chicago to try to improve myself and my situation, hoping that part of my life could mean more, and I moved to the city I loved most at the same time, thinking that would make me happier (and Chicago did make me happier, although everything else was a waste of time and energy in trying to find more happiness or sense of purpose). I left Kinko's and Chicago to try to get closer to my old support network and try a different job direction, hoping either or both of those things would help, but those failed as well. I even went back to college with the idea that a new career direction could give me something to value, to build upon, but that didn't work either. My breakdown, ten years ago now, was the culmination of all of these things hitting me at the same time I came to the realization that I really had nothing at all to live for. I decided then to finish my degrees and when that was done I could give up and wait for death. Then my grandma cam e in to the picture and I committed myself to care for her as long as she needed me - and that's where I am now. I've promised to care for my grandma as long as she needs me - which is likely to mean until the time she dies - but after that there is nothing. Could I find a job, a place to live, a way to get by? Probably yes on all counts, although surely not in any simple manner - but for what? To go to all that effort just to maintain a miserable existence with no hope of anything ever getting better ... is there really any point in any of that? No, I tell you. No there isn't. This isn't something new that came to me in Chicago. It's been with me for many years now, and no matter how often or how long I think about it I can't help but find it irrefutable. The question becomes, though, what do I do when my work here is done. Is there a point in working to set up a basic existence? Should I struggle against my hesitance to suicide? Cop suicide perhaps? Or what? Are there even any other options? I don't think so. So Chicago was as wonderful as ever. It was revealing, however, in that I was forced to deal with issues I normally repress, and it's been a while since I've been in a situation where I couldn't make sure I kept myself too busy to think. Now I can't get back to repressing these ideas, no matter how busy I am. It is all exceedingly frustrating. Posted at 12:05 AM
I think one of the big things that bothered me while in Chicago was employment. Chris has a job that he loves and for which he is perfectly suited. Simon has a job that he loves and for which he is perfectly suited. Adriane doesn't like her job, but she's pulling in income, and she's actively looking for something better. And then there's me. Chris and Simon both worked during the better part of two or more days of my visit, and while that wasn't a problem for me, it just struck home more clearly the real-life situation than any nebulous idea of "Chris and Simon's jobs" that I might have had if they hadn't gone to work at all during my visit. Their jobs are also things which I could probably do with a certain amount of training on certain equipment, but I don't think I'd be able to do either job as well as they do - or enjoy them a s much. The truth is that my current job is difficult, has long hours, involves a huge variety of various skills and experience (and sub-jobs), and has no pay, benefits, or time off. It's rewarding in a different way than any other job I've had, and in most ways, I hate it. People who are told what I'm doing think I'm a saint or completely insane (or stupid), and there's probably some truth in both views. The bigger issue, however, is that my current job would not be viewed as "real" employment by most future employers because I don't have pay records or anything of the sort, and my only reference will inevitably be my mom since - by the time I'm actively again seeking a job - my grandma will be gone. Tell me what employer will believe your mom about a job you supposedly held for eight years or more with no pay and no records to show what you did. Anybody doing hiring would either laugh or scowl and then toss your resume or application in the trash. And if it's not bad enough that my current job won't help me in an employment search, the previous four years were spent at college with only two short-lived part-time jobs during that period. And the year prior to that I ran my own business, with only my own records to show for it. For all practical purposes my last job was at Kinko's thirteen years ago. Who'd going to hire an aging white guy with no conventional work record for thirteen years in the current job environment where thousands of people apply for jobs, many of whom are overqualified, not questionably qualified. Don't misunderstand me to say that I'm not doing hard work or that I'm not qualified - because I do work hard, and I am qualified for a lot of jobs - but no matter how confident I am, I don't know whether that will make a difference. And as much a I keep up with what's going on in the world, in business, and in technology, I don't have practical hands-on experience. Even something like the iPad, which I've read extensively about and understand fairly well, was a very new experience for me when I got to play around which Chris', and there are still a lot of things I wasn't sure how to do that I'd have to experiment with until I could understand. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. All of the things where I have great practical experience - payroll, inventory, software, various equipment - all of these things have changed with advances in technology, and while I am sure I could quickly pick them up (since the basics will always remain the same), it's not as though I could claim to know any specific systems or equipment that anybody would be likely to currently have in use. The Chicago trip made me think about a lot of things, and my job potential after things end here with my grandma was a very troubling one. I've had these concerns before, and I've considered a variety of possibilities, but seeing Chris and Simon and hearing in detail about their jobs made much more clear that more than a dozen years out of the standard job market has left me out of touch, and that alone could be a huge hurdle to overcome. There's no solution to any of this, or at least no simple solution, and I can't do anything about any of it until I have some idea when I'll be going back into the work force - and that could be tomorrow or ten years from now, all dependent upon how long my grandma lives and I can still capably care for her. It makes my future very nebulous and somewhat frightening because it's all very uncertain and fraught with difficulties. There's no way to prepare or lessen the concerns, and that constantly weighs on me. It's a terrible burden. Posted at 12:19 PM
Only a half week back and already she's killing me again. Why do I endure this? Posted at 11:28 PM
Sorry, folks. I'm really just not into writing anything today. Posted at 9:59 PM
I felt very lost in Chicago during this visit. Most of that feeling came from being in a part of the city that was new to me. Wicker Park, Bucktown - even Humboldt Park, which was not too far from Chris' apartment - all of these areas were known to me in the sense that they were neighborhoods I knew about and which had been home to some people I knew, but until this trip I had never stepped in those areas. Chicago has vastly changed in the nine years since I'd last been there, and I knew of new developments like Millennium Park, the additions to the Art Institute, the Trump Tower, the Eye, the new Gay & Lesbian Community Center - and the list goes on. I saw none of these things during my visit, but even if I had, these were in neighborhoods which were tremendously familiar to me. I would have know the existing buildings and businesses from before and would have had some familiarity (i like to think). And maybe it would all seem strange and new and different, but there would probably have been enough to make me feel grounded. Instead I felt like I'd never been to Chicago before. The only place I even came near that I'd ever seem before was O'Brien's restaurant on North Wells, and I'd only eaten there twice - and I'd driven there both times to their valet parking and left, so I wasn't even familiar with the neighborhood. I don't want to cast the wrong impression - I was interested in all that I saw and experienced, and I learned more about different parts of Chicago, and that was good. It was also good to know where Chris and Simon are spending much of their time so that I could better relate to things. But for me Chicago has always been represented by the city proper - the heart of Chicago, not the near neighborhoods. Even when I'd spend time in Boystown or Lakeview or even when I lived in Printer's Row, even though I knew those areas well and loved them, I was still always drawn to downtown, the Loop, Grant Park, the Magnificent Mile, the Merchandise Mart, the Chicago River. These were the things I always saw, the things I went back to again and again. From the first time I saw them as a junior in high school these things and all the things around them were like magic, like a wondrous land ... like home. I always loved my visits to Chicago and I always loved visiting those favorite areas even while I lived in Chicago. It was always wondrous. And yet this time I didn't make it to any of those things - not even close. Yes, I felt a bit lost in a new part of greater Chicago that I'd never experienced before, but I also missed that connection to the old and familiar, the magnificence of things nothing else can equal. This trip was to see Chris, and I would have gone anywhere to do that, and I was quite pleased to have had the time with him I had. Still, I couldn't help feeling out of my element in Chris's neighborhood, and it made me feel very inadequate, very much not up to being able to make it if I were in his place. I just didn't see how I would find a place I could afford yet bear to live in; how I could find a job that made enough to pay all of the high cost of living; how I could learn the bus and train routes, lines, and schedules well enough to have a clue how to use them. I wasn't overwhelmed for the duration of my visit, but I wondered if I would be if I moved back some day. I'm sure a lot of this is a self-confidence issue (a lack of self-confidence issue), but it goes further than that. I just don't know if I'm capable of doing it any more. Am I too old to adapt and change and learn so much from scratch? Would I be able to make a go of things when I wasn't just being moved right into town like I was before - with a good-paying job with job security and people to recommend housing or restaurants or services? Would my increased depression and increased OCD and increased nervousness make everything too much to handle? Could I do it again, even though I've always wanted nothing more than to go back for the rest of my life? Those wonderings and fears are still with me, and I can't shake them. At some point my time here caring for my grandma will end, and then what? There's nothing here for me in Sandusky - but could I make it in Chicago any better? It would be difficult even in good times, but with the recession it would be even harder - and with the lack of confidence I'm feeling, would that be enough more to make going back completely impossible? Will I ever be able to go back home, back to my old sweet home, Chicago? Posted at 8:38 PM
=== INTERLUDE FROM CHICAGO REFLECTIONS === The contractors that are making the repairs to the house following the hail damage (and subsequent insurance claim) started work today, and the prospect of at least a couple more days of them working is worth a million because the youngest member of the threesome is smoking hot and goes about all day shirtless with a perfect tan on his smooth, lean, swimmer's body. He also has awesome hair, perfect little ears and lips, a wonderfully shaped nose, and beautiful eyes - and he's just about an inch shorter than me. In a word - perfect. He's simply too wonderful to look at - and too wonderful to avoid watching as well. He fills me with happiness and sadness at the same time. At times like this I have no doubt I'd be better off living alone in a cave as a hermit. === INTERLUDE FROM CHICAGO REFLECTIONS === Posted at 9:34 PM
Seeing Chris living with and loving someone - having a companion in life - was rewarding as ever. Chris rarely goes long without a girlfriend, and he is better for having someone to share his life with. Most people are ike that I suppose. Simon certainly seemed quite happy living with and loving someone, too - so much so that he has all but said he expects to finalize things with marriage sometime in the future if things continue to go as they have and as he hopes and expects. And while Simon seems to be as strong alone as with someone, he does seem quite fulfilled and pleased with being part of a couple and not just as a solo act. And then there's me - alone and without prospects. I know for a fact that I am better with a companion, someone to love. I'm better to others, I'm better to myself, I'm more self-confident, I'm happier, and I'm even better to others around me even if they're total strangers. Despite that, I'm alone more often than not. I cope well with being alone, but I do truly want someone in my life - even if not a lover then just a very close friend, someone I can talk to daily or close to it. But I haven't had that in years ... and honestly that absence is a large part of what makes me find nothing in life worth living for. Is that to say that I want to die just because I'm lonely? No. That's really a minor part of it all. Nonetheless, it was both very pleasing to see Chris and Simon so happy and ... complete ... and it was bittersweet because they both have something I'm missing. I'm probably better off on my own right now- Seriously, who would want to date a guy who can't ever leave caring for his grandma 24/7? - but that doesn't mean I can't be wistful. And it's too easy to wonder if I'll be alone for the rest of my life now. It's hard to see where things would suddenly change and after years of solitude I'd suddenly have somebody to love, and that's depressing in a variety of ways. So I left Chicago with mixed feelings because of the spouses. Not because they weren't both great people - because they were both truly wonderful women and well-suited (it seemed to me) to the needs of both of my friends - but as much as I liked them and was glad my friends had them, they represent a huge shortcoming in my own life, and it was impossible for me to ignore that. I don't think anyone will ever be what Ken was to me, and I don't think I can just "settle" to have someone in my life ... and I don't think I'll suddenly become a different person that easily makes friends or gets relationships underway - that would reverse a lifetime of awkwardness and I just don't see it. Man, it just gets more and more depressing, the further I think about it. Fun stuff, huh? Yeah, I know. Posted at 10:27 PM
I'm back in Sandusky and settling in, processing mail, paying bills, unpacking, doing a bit of cleaning, getting updates from my mom on my grandmother's condition - it's almost as though I never left and am already back into the routine, by and large. While it was sad to leave Chris and Adriane this morning, I think it was time to go. This trip has given me a lot to think about not from anything that was said or done but from things I realized by seeing my friends, theirs friends, and the world around them, people and things I feel like I know but which I'm clearly not in touch with. I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I woke up and opened my eyes on this trip, and everything around me seems different, new, and unfamiliar. I have great concerns now about my place in this new world. I don't really see where I fit in or how I can make my place. Anything I do after leaving here (whenever that happens) will be like starting all over again, and while I think I might still be mentally and emotionally capable of starting my life again from scratch, I'm not sure that the world will be so accommodating. The next few days of entries in this Journal will probably include some deep thoughts, and probably some pretty depressing stuff. Sorry if that turns you off, but this is the best place to explore it for me, and that's what I plan to do. With any luck I'll be able to come to some conclusions and find some answers ... but since luck usually is the last thing I get, I'll probably be just as confused and hopeless as ever. Posted at 12:09 AM
Today was mostly just a day of sitting back. We slept in a bit (which is no surprise considering how late we were up last night), we had a great late brunch that Chris and Adriane fixed, and we just sat around talking, watching some TV, and relaxing. We watched 2012 on Netflix and laughed throughout it, making jokes about every scene. The movie is entertaining but so incredibly over-the-top as to be absurd. It was fun, though, and with a late dinner of pizza afterward it made for a nice night. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning so this has been almost anticlimactic after being out and about the last three days, but the main intention of my visit was to spend time with Chris and catch up on each others' lives. We haven't gotten out and about like I had expected we would, but that's just fine. I have really had a good time visiting, and I'm pleased to see that three years apart with just e.mails and a few occasional phone calls hasn't changed us or diminished our friendship. Posted at 10:50 PM
Karaoke isn't quite my thing, but watching Chris enjoying himself is always entertaining. Karaoke until 3:15 AM is still a bit too much, even if Chris is having a great time. Karaoke until 3:15 Am plus a train ride, walk, and cab ride still to go before being back at the apartment - that sort of sucks. So here we are at 5 AM ... When have I been awake at this hour other than being awakened from sleep during the middle of the night? It's certainly been many years. So today was again wonderful for being able to talk to Chris about so many topics, and it was fun (for the first few hours) to see him so thorough;ly enjoy himself at karaoke. Being up this late will surely have ramifications on tomorrow, though, and with as tired as I am now, it's hard to imagine what I'll feel like tomorrow. Posted at 5:09 AM
Today was a relaxed and cooler day of time spent with Chris and his girlfriend. After Chris finished work and we got ourselves going, we had a delicious meal at the Thai Lagoon (truly fantastic). We followed dinner with a showing of Eclipse, the latest in the Twilight series of movies. I had seen neither of the earlier films, but Chris and Adriane filled me in on the background. The movie was better than what most reviews had led me to expect, even if it was all a bit simple and straight-forward. Still, how can you go wrong with a bunch of good-looking shirtless guys. The company was good, too. While I haven't been to many movies in the past eight years (I can think of less than a half dozen), I've only seen one of those with anyone (before today, and I saw that movie with Chris as well, although it was a few years ago in Lafayette. This trip is revealing in many ways how truly displaced from everyday life I've become. Last night and tonight have shown me that I have indeed become very isolated. Simon and Chris and Adriane talking about their friends and jobs and places they eat or shop or hang out - even how they interact with phones, texting, or more in-person gatherings of various sorts, it's like a different world. I've never been a tremendously social or socially active person, but I'm like a hermit in comparison to my friends. For all that matters I am a hermit. As I said yesterday, I stand behind what I'm doing as the right thing, but this trip is really hammering home how disconnected I'm tru;ly getting from my friends and the world around me. Posted at 2:30 AM
I'm now in Chicago after spending the morning with my dentist in Lafayette and having lunch. It has been outrageously hot and humid here, which has been unpleasant, but otherwise things have been great. My friend Chris welcomed me with a big hug, and we talked briefly while he finished his work day. Then I walked to my friend Simon's place (conveniently nearby). Simon looks great after having not seen him in thirteen years. He's gained the slightest bit of weight, but he was always rather thin before, so this look suits him. Other than that, though, he looks and acts and talks exactly as I remember him. He doesn't seem to have aged a day. Chris looks good as well, also still looking quite youthful, and while he wants to lose a few extra pounds , he (like Simon) both look fantastic compared to my out-of-shape form. Appearances aside, Simon and Chris are both full of energy and living very full lives. I'm happy for them. I can't deny it makes me think a bit of what I'm missing in my life right now, but I'm still confident that I'm doing what I should be doing in my life right now. Simon and I had Chris join us for dinner and we talked for hours. It was great reconnecting, but I do still feel a nit of distance between Simon and myself - but of course I shouldn't expect us to just act ass though we'd just seen each other yesterday. It's been thirteen years, and it will take time to feel in any way close again. Still, after a full evening of talk, I'm happy but tired. It must be the heat and humidity because I wouldn't normally be this tired. But that's the way it goes. Tomorrow is another day, and while I won't probably see fulfillment of my wish for less heat and humidity, I should still have a pleasant afternoon out and about with Chris after he finishes his work day. Posted at 12:35 AM
Today I broke away just after 12:30 for the start of a break from my grandma. As much as I'd like this to be a vacation, it is more like a long weekend. It should be enjoyable and a nice break, but far too short and not very relaxing. The highlight of the day was not getting away, not being able to listen and sing to songs as I drove, but it was talking for quite a while to my friend Greg (whom I admittedly just simply don't talk to often enough). I enjoyed talking to Greg just before I left Sandusky and then again while I was on the road driving, and the pleasure I had from talking to him has lasted all day. Heck, I could almost have stayed home for this, so long as I could have talked to Greg for so long uninterrupted. But of course that couldn't happen at the house - there would always be an interruption. Anyhow, today was a good start to my get-away. Let's hope all of these next few days are at least as pleasant and enjoyable.
The question has come up once again as to whether I have a blog. I have never truly answered that here, but let me put the question to rest - No, I do not have a blog. This little bit of the Internets that you are currently visually digesting is a Journal. I have never called it anything else, and I specifically see it as distinctly a journal even though it is online. To me a blog is not just an online diary or an online journal. I see that difference in the same way that an Internet site with pages of poetry or stories isn't a blog, a page on the Internet with photos isn't a blog, and a set of web pages with 'How To' diagrams and instructions isn't a blog. Each thing is different; each is just the same on the Internet as it is in hard copy (for the most part). A blog, on the other hand, is a combination of all of these things. It has diary-like entries; it has journal-like entries; it has photos; it has embedded YouTube videos; it has opinion pieces; it has news articles (by the site owner/writer or by others); it has 'How To' diagrams; it has music; it has lists of what music you're listening to; it has lists of links, maybe to friends, maybe to your favorite sites, or maybe to cause-specific items. And that leads to another thing about blogs: they are often based around one or a small few themes. A blog about being gay, a blog about being liberal; a blog about being vegan, a blog about dance music, or maybe a blog about all of those things - but usually not much else other than those focused few items of interest. My Journal - and my website as a whole - do not to me felt like a blog and never have. I've even considered that whenever the much-delayed revision of this website to version 3.0 happens that I might go more in the direction of a blog, adding photos and music and video and more ... but since I've been So just to set the record straight, I do not in any way consider this a blog and never have. Some people might, but I'd argue their definition of a blog must include every page posted on the Internet, and that's not realistic as defining a blog from other things. So enjoy my Journal (and my poems and stories). But don't go looking for my blog. Posted at 4:17 PM
Today was a banner day for my grandma - in Bizarro world. My mother got to see what taking care of my grandma can really mean - and while I like that she can now appreciate what I have to endure day after day, I feel sad for my mom in a way because she's finally had to face the hard reality of how much her own mother has fallen off the cliff into the dark abyss filled with the horrors of old age. It's going to be a long, difficult week for my mom, I think. Posted at 11:34 PM
After three days of massive cleaning efforts I've finally finished... and now my mom's here. So much for a chance to take a break. The next couple of days I have appointments to take my grandma to, yard work to complete,a nd a whole bunch of errands to run. The upside is that my mom will be here to look after my grandma when I need to be doing something else. The downside is that I've had to delay all of these "something else"s until now because I couldn't leave my grandma alone. I'm desperate for a light, somewhat restful day. Posted at 10:22 PM
Tired ... so tired. Posted at 11:40 PM
It's official - my grandmother is the most frustrating person on Earth. Posted at 11:52 PM
It's too hot for anything, even in the air conditioning (well, almost), and I'm reminded of the idiots in Congress last winter who were mocking the idea of climate change because it was colder than normal for a week or so. Just because it's sometimes called "global warming" (somewhat inaccurately) does not mean that it will get progressively hotter every minute of every day without exception. It means that the overall global temperatures will rise and, as a result, the patterns of wind flows and ocean floes will change, causing wildly different and often wildly extreme weather conditions - sometimes in hotter temperatures but sometimes in more extreme cold, sometimes in droughts in areas that never had such problems, sometimes in more frequent or violent tornados or hurricanes, sometimes in flooding. The empirical evidence is all around us, often on the nightly news. Even the most blind fools can't easily miss this. It's just complete morons who refute climate change. Now the fools that dismiss climate change can burn with the rest of us, but there's a special place in Hell reserved just for them. Posted at 10:35 PM
I need some energy, something to enliven me. I could so easily just go to bed and never get up again. I'm so tired, and there's so much I could and should probably be doing but I just can't feel anything but achy and exhausted. It feels like I'm under a ton of bricks. A part of me knows this is largely from depression - maybe even some just from getting old, too - but that doesn't make it any more readily changed. Life like this is not worth living. Who would want to be too achy and tired and quashed to be able to do anything at all? Posted at 9:05 PM
I really need to do a full cleaning of the house. I really don't want to do any cleaning of the house. The house is not clean. The house is still not clean. I should feel worse about this than I do ... Posted at 8:54 PM
Some days you should give up after the first series of things go wrong and save yourself a whole lot of frustration. Posted at 10:47 PM
Why must American holidays be celebrated with the worst television programming possible? All new episodes postponed, any new movies set for other dates, only the crappiest movies and tv show marathons imaginable ... It's truly abysmal. Sure, it would be nice to think that we can and should all be outside enjoying friends, family, and fun in celebration, but what about those of us who are stuck inside for whatever reason? How is this cause for celebration when even the little we might have to enjoy - television - is turned to shit? Posted at 12:07 AM
Is this a migraine or an aneurysm? Posted at 12:41 AM
It's a fucked world after all! (appropriately paraphrased from the way Walt Disney taught you how to sing it ...) Posted at 10:56 PM
Each day brings a new, surprising low for my grandma's mind. The disconnect with reality gets worse and worse, literally from one day to the next. At this point I don't imagine by the end of next month she'll know who I am or know how to walk. That may sound like exaggeration, but I've been utterly shocked during this past week at the rapid deterioration of every aspect of her mind. It's truly shocking and sad, and all I can do is stand by and watch. This is not how I would have ever chosen to imagine my grandmother - or honestly how I would choose to see anyone; it's just a terrible fate. Posted at 9:15 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2010
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July 31, 2010
