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| message board October 2011
October 31, 2011 While I can't claim to have reached this outcome, this observance of depression is incredibly apt for me. Posted at 11:19 AM
October 30, 2011 Squirrel! Posted at 10:03 AM
October 29, 2011 There is no true morality in the world, only self-interested views propagated by individuals, organizations, and cults. Any sense of a true human morality - something that puts us above the animals and shows us to be supporters of our fellow man, our Earth-sharing animals, and the world itself - any expression of true morality is spurned or considered a weakness to be exploited. We as a species truly do not deserve to exist when we have been given such potential, only to shun the tenants of that potential as unprofitable, unenlightening, and irredeemable - when in fact such potential, used and given freely, is exactly the opposite of each of those. True profit, enlightenment, and redemption come from true morality, not from anything else. And no amount of personal power, wealth, fame, or narcissism will match even the smallest amount of that potential. Posted at 10:33 AM
October 28, 2011 Senility is tiring for everybody involved. In fact I feel older every minute that I'm taking care of my grandma. One of us is going to die from exhaustion; the question is which one of us. I'm tired. She's tired. We're both getting by but that's about it. There should be more to life than this, but I've been saying that same thing my whole life, so I guess I should have just wised up by now. Posted at 11:11 AM
October 27, 2011 What is the point of setting up accounts with user names, passwords, PINs, and keys that remember those things so you can autofill them when you need them? The idiotic people running companies and organizations will change one or more of those things every year or two and you'll have to fight your way through just to access your own account, get outrageously frustrated, and live to expect EXACTLY the same thing to happen in a year or two more. What the hell is wrong with companies and organizations? Why even set things up at all if you're going to switch things around without notice on a far-too-frequent basis? So you really think that frustrating and pissing off your customers is good for business? Huh? Posted at 9:28 AM
October 26, 2011 Why does it all have to hurt so much? Posted at 10:57 AM
October 25, 2011 It's bad enough that I have to do yard work when I hate it so much (looking at flowers and shrubs and trees is wonderful but trimming, watering, and raking up after them is torture), but it's even worse that Mother Nature has been conspiring against me on the rare time I have Tuesdays and Thursdays to get things done while my grandma is at day care. Today, for once, was clear and sunny (defying the forecasts of rain) and I was able to finish up most of what I've had to do. That's only been possible because I worked every day over the weekend for a couple hours each day while I had my grandma take a long nap in bed - something that worked alright this time but is too chancy really for regular use since my grandma is too fragile and unpredictable now. So the yard work is done - except for the non-stop leaves which will continue to accumulate from now until eternity - and I've got almost everything set up and prepared for the coming winter. And it's a good thing, too, because this past week of running around and doing these things has been exhausting. Now I can try to refocus on other things that have been waiting to be done. I may have gotten mostly caught up with the yard work but that hardly means I'm caught up with everything. There's still far too much to do ... but at least the yard work is done and over with before the first snow fall. Posted at 4:02 PM
October 24, 2011 I have so many things to do I think my head may explode just from trying to keep track of everything, not to mention the stress of trying to accomplish all of it or at least as much as possible. On a comparable but totally unrelated note, my migraine is kicking into high gear again and my head may explode from that as well. Good times, good times. Posted at 9:04 AM
October 23, 2011 Incremental progress is still progress, right? Please say it is!! Posted at 8:10 AM
October 22, 2011 Today is the first day of the rest of my life. NOOOOoooooooooo!!!! Posted at 9:17 AM
October 21, 2011 Oh goody, another day where she won't even try to stand at all. The fun just never ends ... Posted at 11:17 AM
October 20, 2011 When's it get good? Posted at 9:20 AM
October 19, 2011 Why must I always feel like I'm under the gun, running around and trying to get a million things done with no hope of accomplishing them all and with a whole list of things to do that have already been put off due to a lack of time in the previous days and months? Shouldn't I have learned by now? Shouldn't I just give up? Posted at 11:03 AM
October 18, 2011 Today I'm tired and a bit achy, and I'm just beginning a very busy week full of errands, tasks, and projects to be begun and largely completed - hopefully. It would be a lot to do even under normal circumstances, but with my grandma requiring so much more attention - and with me being quite tied - it's going to be a very full and tiring week. Hopefully I'll get as much done as I hope or near to it. That would at least make up for the even greater exhaustion. Time will tell, though. Posted at 10:57 AM
October 17, 2011 My grandmother has been getting less and less sleep during the night. She wakes up at some point and decides it's time to get up rather than go back to sleep. It can be dead quiet and pitch black dark all around her, but that doesn't change things. And it's even more ridiculous because she can't get out of bed on her own so there's no reason not to simply go back to sleep. Add to that the fact that she's tired most of the time and it makes even less sense that she doesn't go back to sleep ... but senility doesn't have to make sense, we have learned. The night before last I don't think my grandma slept much at all, and consequently she was even more tired than usual and thus a mess at standing and eating and anything at all. She even fell asleep while sitting in her chair during the day, something which used to happen fairly often but hasn't been something she's done for almost a year. Today, even after letting her sleep in, she is still very tired - to the point of falling asleep during her lunch. I'm struggling to keep her awake and eating, hoping I can make it to a long afternoon nap and hoping also that such a nap might make at least a little impact. As things stand now it's very difficult, and it's already been quite difficult without this. Adding to the struggle makes things nearly unbearable. How, I ask again, did I wind up here? Posted at 12:15 PM
October 16, 2011 I am exceedingly tired of the media treating the Occupy Wall Street protesters as if they are hippies with no purpose, no demands or expectations, and no leaders. First and foremost I am angry that the media is treating this movement completely opposite the way they treated the Tea Party - even in its earliest days and with its most obvious nutjobs. Second, I think it is outrageously poor reporting not to simply understand that protests are meant not to provide leaders and solutions but to PROTEST the actions of a group and expect them to change or stop whatever offenses they are committing. And thirdly, there actually ARE leaders with ideas of what is important to these protesters and with ideas of what to do. Every time they show up, however, the media try to ask questions to make them seem like extremists or - as was evident from YouTube clips of FOX News interviews that were never broadcast - there are in fact quite a few intelligent, eloquent people expressing their concerns and their ideas for how to improve the economy, the jobless situation, and economic disparity (which, HINT HINT news media, is what this is all about!) An article on Daily Kos this morning takes a look at the history that led to our financial debacle and expresses why Occupy Wall Street protesters are upset AND what they want done to rectify the situation. The media can keep sticking their heads in the sand if they like, but the voice of the people will get out regardless. Hear it now:
Posted at 10:56 AM
October 15, 2011 I'm relieved to have had my migraine tone down from the intensity of last week, but I'd still much prefer it to tone down enough that the migraine pills would mostly mask what is there. Having a constant migraine is very tiring, and with all I have to do getting more tired than usual is quite horrible. Pain, pain, go away - and don't come again some other day. Posted at 10:44 AM
October 14, 2011 My friend John showed up yesterday as I was running around like crazy trying to get a bunch of things done in the last twenty minutes before my grandma would be brought back from day care. My first reaction to seeing him at the door was surprise quickly followed by laughter - John has an almost perfect knack for calling or showing up at the just the moment I'm getting my grandma into a car to go to an appointment or cleaning up poop from an accident she had or even just getting her ready for bed. It's uncanny that John can call at the wrong time almost every time I hear from him ... and it's a shame because he's a truly nice guy that I like talking to. I've known John since high school. He was one year ahead of me in school, but my friend Doug was friends with John as well and we hung out together often enough to become friends ourselves. John and I have never had the opportunity to get very close or have a particularly strong friendship over the years, but our friendship has lasted thirty years when others have failed or just slowly disappeared. That says a lot. John has come into an early retirement and he has repeatedly offered to help me, partly because that's just his generous nature and partly because he's "bored out of his mind" (which doesn't surprise me; this is Sandusky, Ohio after all). So John calls or stops by, hoping to chat and offering help, and more times than not I have to turn him away because I just can't get away for even a minute at just that point. Yesterday John brought me a Salmon Rushdie book and a Subway sub just because he's that kind of guy - generous. I feel like a heel not being able to give him more time, but heck - I don't even have time for himself! And while I appreciate his offers of help there's only so much I could ask. Just about everything with my grandma right now requires picking her up and doing so in a quick and comforting way so she doesn't panicky. Even getting her to eat has certain sorts of finesse needed to keep her going or she just gives up. I've learned these things over time - what works and what doesn't - but you can't just pass this stuff on to someone simply. Sure, I have plenty of stuff that doesn't involve my grandma that honestly has gotten away from me because of the excessive time it now takes to directly care for my grandma, but how fair would it be to call John and say, "Hey, could you come over and rake the leaves out of the yard?" "Hey, could you come shovel the snow from the driveway?" "Hey, could you borrow or rent a ladder, climb up it, and put a cover over the in-wall air conditioner?" There are plenty of tasks like that which need to be done, but I can't just ask John to do them, even if he offers. They're big jobs, and they're neverending jobs. There's no end to those kinds of jobs, and just because John is retired but bored isn't a good reason to make him a slave - even if a willing one. So I appreciate John's offers - and I hope he fully realizes that I truly do - but I just don't see what I can ask of him that would be a help but not be too much. At least he's made the offer to be there. At some time or another I'm sure to need that, and it's good to know there's at least someone in this city I can turn to if I have to. Posted at 11:44 AM
October 13, 2011 Don't you hate it when the battery in your alarm clock dies before it's supposed to go off? Posted at 9:26 AM
October 12, 2011 I can admit that my head isn't as bad as it was yesterday, but when you have this much pain it doesn't really matter if it's somewhat less than the day before - it's still unbearably painful regardless. Having this crushing force trying to break open my skull and having to care for my more-than-normally-vapid grandmother is no fun at all, but there isn't really any choice. There are no sick days in this job (or vacation days or holidays or days off or breaks ...)so I just have to keep at it - even when I'm in so much pain I can barely keep balance myself. Ah the fun of my life. And people wonder why I'd rather be dead. Posted at 11:07 AM
October 11, 2011 A whole bunch of things for me to do today and my brain decides it wants to bust out of my skull. Seriously, the pressure is killing me, and no amount of over-the-counter migraine aspirin is going to make this stop (although in fairness I'd probably be lying on the floor writhing in pain without the effects of the pills I've taken dulling the pain). My head is outrageously painful, like someone is trying to overfill a tire with air. I feel like I'm minutes away from a blowout. PAIN! It's the new black ... This can stop any time. Really. No, really. Posted at 11:03 AM
October 10, 2011 My sister, niece, and dog-in-law left for home this morning, and it was back to the routine for me - along with a bit of extra clean-up and organ zing after the visit. I'm still washing laundry and cleaning and organizing, but I feel like I'm finally on top of things and not just struggling to keep up. Hopefully I can get this stuff done today and then tomorrow be able t move on to other tasks that need to get done. But of course we know how that goes ... Posted at 3:11 PM
October 9, 2011 ... and the migraine amps up again. Joy! Posted at 11:10 AM
October 8, 2011 My sister arrived last night with my niece and their dog Spot. It's a very brief visit to celebrate a belated birthday with my grandma, and it's a wonderful, thoughtful gesture, but my grandma has been more out of things than normal so I hope she can enjoy the company while it lasts. They're only here today and tomorrow and will leave early Monday, so there's not much time. I hope my grandma sleeps better so she can have a fresher mind and get something from all of this. Posted at 1:34 PM
October 7, 2011 The problems with my grandmother standing have grown gradually worse, leading up to today where I can't get her to stand on her own for even a second (and that's with pulling her up and moving her into position. Mostly this seems to be a matter of not trying, and other than that it's anxiety. Physically she's fully capable of standing, but without her will to do so we're screwed. Of course she doesn't stand often of for very long, but I need her to do so at those times. Pulling down pants and adult diapers is impossible sitting down and needs standing - just for a few seconds - every time you go to the bathroom (and the reverse when finished in the bathroom. I also need to wash my grandma's behind and put on some powder - every day - because she regularly wets the diapers and bed at night. Again, this doesn't take long, but it's impossible to do with her sitting down. So today I had to move her back and forth from the bed to the toilet and back and forth between the two in the process of lowering and raising clothing and cleaning here and there. She didn't like it at all, and I can't say I was any more enthusiastic about it than she was. Still, it's the only avenue I see left if I can't get her to stand. It sucks because it makes things much less comfortable and more drawn out for both of us, but I simply can't see any other manner of getting what needs to be accomplished done. Isn't that the story of this whole endeavor. Posted at 11:03 AM
October 6, 2011 Steve Jobs died yesterday, far too soon for his age but having truly lived a full, rich, and fulfilled life. I have never made any secret of my love for all things Apple, and I have similarly always been a supporter of all things Steve. He was a man with a magic touch, a brilliance for melding forma nd function beautifully, and a willingness to break from standards and expectations. Unlike Freddie Mercury and Gary Gygax, whom I have loved and revered for not just what they gave me but also - and specifically - how they changed my life for the better; unlike those and other idols of mine, Steve Jobs gave me great Apple products but rather than offer things that changed my life, Steve became a symbol of what I wanted to be: the dreamer fulfilled. Steve Jobs was a dreamer, visualizing a better future for himself, for his co-workers, and for the world - and bringing those dreams and visualizations to life. He didn't hold back when a wonderful dream challenged conventional thought, when bad reviews were put forth, or even when his own company stood against him. He stayed true to himself but most importantly he stayed true to his dreams. He never let go of them; he never watered them down; and he never accepted that he couldn't bring them into being. Thank you, Steve, for being a dreamer. Thank you for showing it can be done - and with great style. The following is the commencement speech that Steve Jobs gave in 2005 to the graduates of Stanford. It is very telling not only in showing how he was a dreamer but also shows how in many ways he was prepared for death, untimely though it was.
Posted at 12:05 PM
October 5, 2011 TOO MUCH SHIT TO DO!!! Posted at 11:39 AM
October 4, 2011 Today, while my grandma is at adult day care (she just left and will be back just after 4 PM), I have to: - Go to two banks All of this in just over six hours. Possible? No. Necessary? Yes. But as usual all I can do is get as much done a possible and then piss and moan about all of the stuff still left to do. Posted at 9:45 AM
October 3, 2011 How crazy can someone get with senility? I may soon find out. We're certainly at the extremes now - although fortunately not constantly. I suppose I should be happy that things are still as good as they are with her being ninety-seven and all, but it's upsetting, frustrating, and stressful nonetheless, and considering that it could be worse does nothing to make me feel better. Posted at 10:58 AM
October 2, 2011 The crazy lady woke me up before dawn calling out, "Help! Help me!" I went down to check on her right away only to find out that she was upset that she was wearing socks (which she thought were shoes and which she thought were too tight (but were in fact quite loose) and which she thought were surely somebody else's and that they'd put them on her while she was asleep. As usual she wouldn't listen to reason so I just took the socks off nd covered her up again and went back to bed. Much as I wish I could have, I couldn't get back to sleep, and when I went back down to get my grandma up she was clearly awake the whole time and hadn't made any attempt to get more sleep. The rest of the day already has been one act of crazy to the next, and while I hope getting some food and coffee into her along with a little activity will bring her back a little closer to humanity, I fear this may be a day full of the crazy. Why was she so good during the whole week my mom was here and now she's a disaster every day since my mom left? Is this intentional, just a cycle, or a result of built-up exhaustion from constant activity while my mother was here? We'll probably never know, but I've had more than my share already ... Posted at 9:55 AM
October 1, 2011 Yesterday was outrageously exhausting. Today has started better - at least up to this point. Here's to hoping for a simpler, ideally less stressful and less taxing day. Posted at 9:59 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2011
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