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July 2013

 

bullet July 31, 2013

Yesterday I cleaned every window in the house, top to bottom, inside and out. This morning in the light of early day I saw the little streaks in corners that I'd missed during the light if full day, so I was back to window-cleaning again. Fortunately I'd done well enough yesterday that the touch-ups this morning took little time. The end result is magnificent - certainly compared to the ugly mess left after the power-washing from this past weekend, but even compared to before. I hadn't cleaned the windows this Spring as I usually have done in the past, and I didn't fully realize how much a simple thin layer of film inside and outside can dull the clarity of a simple window. At least for this moment in time everything outside seems much more crisp, clean, and vibrant. I'm enjoying the view.

Posted at 10:09 AM
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bullet July 30, 2013

This is ridiculous. I can't think of anything worth writing today that wouldn't be a repeat or just boring, everyday blather ... and why should I put that up for you to read?

Posted at 8:17 AM
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bullet July 29, 2013

I didn't 'wind down at the end of the day' yesterday, I just crashed. I did so much for so long that when I finally did sit down in the late evening I kept falling asleep. Fortunately I didn't fall completely asleep and woke up long enough to go to bed and immediately fall back asleep.

Even a busy day with lots of things being done and going on doesn't usually tire me that much, but having had less-than-normal sleep the previous two nights I think it all finally caught up to me.

On the plus side I got everything done that I had hope to finish. On the negative side, many new things-to-be-done emerged that need to be attended to over the course of the week. Those various things won't be very taxing, however, and they are mostly spread out to different days of the week. The one task I'm least looking forward to (not that any of them are things to be excited about) is washing all of the windows inside and out on all floors of the house. The power-washing of the house did wonders for the siding but has left the windows looking quite horrible, and with the realtor coming in a couple of days to appraise the house, I want to get all of the windows clean and clear before she arrives. Having done it many times in the past I know that it is not a strenuous job but one that takes quite a bit of time and patience and is remarkably dirty (which seems unbelievable considering they have been washed over with high-pressure water).

The one big downside is that these extra tasks are going to leave me little time to research rental prices and availability and start to create a plan for moving on from this house. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be completely on top of everything else and able to have gotten a start on figuring things out so that this weekend I can start making some headway on a plan. We'll have to wait and see.

Posted at 10:07 AM
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bullet July 28, 2013

My mom left for Florida just after 5:50 Am this morning, and my sister rove off around 8 AM with my niece, nephew, and my nephew's friend for their homes in Maryland. The place is empty without them, but I haven't had much time to think about it.

I've been straightening up and cleaning the house to be ready for the realtor to look it over and appraise it on Tuesday or Wednesday. I've also been washing towels and bedding and other laundry all morning and early afternoon, running a full dishwasher, collecting trash from every room, and putting things together. Around that I've located and moved the leftover food into the upstairs refrigerator and cupboard, fixed breakfast to finish off some things and - as I'm typing - started eating lunch to finish off some other leftovers. Concurrent with all of that I've been overseeing a fellow that my mom contracted to powerwash the whole house and garage and to paint the porch and porch steps - all today. He's also supposed to come in later to look over a few small electrical projects and to look at our basement for painting and provide quotes for both.

I still have more cleaning to do, more laundry to do, dishes to be put away from the dishwasher after they've dried, and more to check out from the contractor, and I haven't even had a shower yet (although I'm now really looking forward to it).

Today will be busy, and I'll end up sleeping hard when it's done. Then starting tomorrow I have to try to figure out how and what to do with my life to make something work, now that it's not just about trying to secure a job but also about having a place to live (and where in the whole world to make that gamble).

Posted at 12:52 PM
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bullet July 27, 2013

It's raining this morning, but it feels calm. I'm feeling similar: still somewhat sad, but much better than the past week; a bit dark but with light shining in at the edges; dampened but not drowned; cooler but not cold; and peaceful but not quiet.

Now that my depression is receding a bit my mind is filling with a mess of ideas and issues to be - somehow - resolved during and immediately following the sale of the house, and I am feeling overwhelmed ... lost even. There is so much to consider, so much to do, and so much that will be up in the air until the very end and then have to be resolved immediately - and how do you prepare for that when you don't know with even the least accuracy when that will be?

So I'm getting better but now facing a different set of problems ... which I suppose is a short description of many days in my life.

Posted at 9:00 AM
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bullet July 26, 2013

I feel myself starting to pull out of the mire of a severe depression from the past few days. I'm still very down, full of very sad and self-critical thoughts, but I can see it more for what it is and I also don't feel as though the very life is being constantly sucked out of me along with every emotional response. Imagine riding the new roller coaster at Cedar Point for the first time and feeling the g-forces and gravity but having no joy, no fear, no exhilaration - just nothing. That was just one experience over the past few days, and looking back it's scary in a way, even though at the time it just passed as it was.

Contrary to my emergence from the empty pit at my core, I am strangely emotionless - almost in shock I think - at the news from yesterday morning that my parents have decided to sell my grandmother's house . It belongs to my mother now, and to sell it almost immediately. That means that the last bit of the rug is being pulled out, and very soon now I will have no place to live on top of crushing debt that is at the need-to-declare-bankryptcy-even-though-it-won't-ge- rid-of-my-studetn-loans financial situation; my apparently hopeless continual search for a job/income/purpose; my weight gain and loss of fitness; and my emotional and mental deterioration into bouts of severe depression. My mother claims she will help me get and pay for a small apartment until I find a job, but she shouldn't have to do that. It was bad enough that I was staying here with only her support keeping me alive, but at least in this case I knew the house was already paid for and being utilities maintained just to keep it fresh for summering, and I was able to pay for a minimal part of my keep with maintenance and yardwork and such. Now I'll truly just be a sponge if I accept this ... and I have to wonder too how much they can afford to support me. Also in this mix of uncertainty is where to go, since I have no desire to stay in Sandusky and there clearly is nobody here willing to hire me, I'd be better off somewhere else, but rent anywhere else will be higher - notably higher in say Chicago - and the expense of moving anywhere will surely be crushing at this point. And when? Un less I get a job offer I'm pretty much up-in-the-air until somebody buys the house so that I can keep it clean and ready to show but also since the apartment offer surely is not expected to be in effect until the house is sold and the money coming in. That means I can't arrange an apartment or effectively pack until the house sells, and that could be a month from now or a year from now based on the speed houses in this neighborhood have sold. How do I make any plans at all without knowing where, when, or to some extent how?

My recent - thankfully short - bout of severe depression was unsettling and deeply scarring in certain ways that aren't going away, but part of me is already missing that emotionlessness. I'm in shock now about the house being sold, and confused and overwhelmed as well, but I know what I should be is scared, and I expect that to hit me soon. And I may well be scared every day for a year while this goes on. Who knows? I have no idea.

Posted at 9:06 AM
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bullet July 25, 2013

Emptiness upon emptiness. How can it suck away every emotion but leave sadness? Why am I like this?

Posted at 9:20 AM
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bullet July 24, 2013

Why am I here when someone beautiful and sweet like Ken is dead? Or why me instead of Jurry and his nobility and sagacity? Why leave me and my screw-ups and disappointments, my bad luck and my wrong decisions based on best intentions? Why am I alive at all when my entire life has been a disappointment to me and most of the people I come across? Why am I still here when I don't even want to be? Why can't this just be over?

Posted at 9:02 AM
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bullet July 23, 2013

Hey everybody!

You know what makes a sucky, heartless, cruel, disappointment of a life so much better? Being criticized and told that you're not even trying to make any changes or improvements! So when your loved ones are at their emotional lowest and fearing for their very ability to have food or shelter, be sure to attack them when they least expect it - because that's what families do. It's fun and fulfilling - and it increases the chances they'll die so that you can inherit more stuff for yourself! Isn't that an awesome way to be!!

So remember - if you have a friend or family member that's struggling in this horrible economy, having trouble finding a job or keeping a job or even having a job that makes enough money to get by, make sure to tell them they suck and aren't doing what they should to improve that - and be sure to repeatedly say that everything they are doing is worthless or outright wrong - because nothing expresses love like kicking the leg out from under a one-legged man.

Posted at 10:10 AM
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bullet July 22, 2013

Just about ready for the rest of the family to arrive this evening with only a few final things to do to finish cleaning and setting things up. Hopefully the rest of the week will be relaxed (although I must admit, that would be a first).

Posted at 9:25 AM
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bullet July 21, 2013

My mother has arrived, and we talked quite a bit last night ... around fending off her yapping, jumping, headbutting, slobbering, whining, hyperactive little dog.

I'm tired and have a headache, and I'm not above blaming the dog for at least part of it.

Posted at 9:02 AM
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bullet July 20, 2013

Hurray! I spent all day yesterday cleaning and did finally finish. It was sweltering in the back room while I worked, but I did finish. Of course today it' been raining all night and all morning and it is thus not warm and not humid and the back room feels wonderfully cool. Figures, right?

Anyhow, it's all done. My mom is supposed to arrive tonight for a week's visit, and my sister, nephew, niece, and my nephew's friend Chris will arrive Monday night for just under a week's visit. I do still need to shop for groceries and I do still need to put out fresh, clean towels, and a couple other minor things, but all of the actual cleaning stuff is done at least.

Hopefully it will be uphill from here.

Posted at 9:05 AM
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bullet July 19, 2013

Why am I so tired this week? The heat? Probably. I am really tired and slowed this week, and it's making the Big Sweep and even more drawn out affair than I had expected. Please just let tit be over soon.

Posted at 8:57 AM
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bullet July 18, 2013

Today, the past few days, and the next two day, make up a full week of days over ninety degrees Fahrenheit - over one hundred degrees when adjusted for the heat index. That's a heat wave unlike anything usually seen here in Sandusky (and the upper Midwest in general. Ninety-plus degrees in July? Sure. High humidity and thus high heat index in July? Sure. More than a couple days in a row at these high temperatures? No. This is horrible. For me it's even worse because my apartment on the second floor here may have been expanded for useful square footage from it's slope-roofed-attic origins, but it was never properly upgraded to account for the extra square footage for heating and cooling. Heating issues aren't as much of an issue, but the heat in summer is always bad in here, very much like an over in fact, and one in-wall air conditioning unit, regardless of what it's rated for, simply doesn't keep up adequately. Normally you can soldier on; alternate between A/C and open breezes through open windows; run the A/C extra cold overnight to hold the sweltering heat off a little longer in the morning; keep all blinds shut across all windows to reflect out as much heat as possible; and run fans in every room to try to circulate what cooler air there is to try to balance things out - but try as I might, the back room in this second floor apartment still becomes an over, and of course that's where my living room is, where my desk and files are, where I spend the most time when I'm in the house and not out and about. Multiply all of the heat problems with Heat Advisory temperatures and then multiply that by a week of days worth of that hell. And in my case ad in attempts to work at cleaning, scrubbing, and yard work, and see how much worse it can be.

I like the Midwest for weather at most times - even at its coldest - but the one to one-and-a-half months of high heat from mid-July to late August is simply the worst. The past two or three years have actually been great exceptions with only a small few days in the nineties and those separate and without as bad a level of humidity. This year has apparently made up for that by not only those too-hot days but by stringing them together into a lasting and worsened hell where there's never a real cooldown at night. Fun times.

Posted at 9:08 AM
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bullet July 17, 2013

This heat is really fucking with my week of cleaning and prep.

Posted at 8:54 AM
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bullet July 16, 2013

HEAT WAVE HELL!!!!!

Even the air conditioning doesn't stop the sweltering heat.

Posted at 8:39 AM
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bullet July 15, 2013

Wouldn't it be great if I could feel tired and achy but have become that way from a proper job with proper pay? Wouldn't that be something?

Posted at 9:38 AM
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bullet July 14, 2013

I'm stiff and achy, have a searing headache trying to cut off my forehead from the inside, and still have all sorts of cleaning to do - even after a couple solid days of good cleaning progress. I really would like to just stop and rest a bit, but the Big Sweep demands attention. Oh boy! <Sigh>

Posted at 9:32 AM
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bullet July 13, 2013

If only Robert Reich were president. Honestly, the man is one of the few people who clearly sees what is going on and is willing to take a stand for the freedoms and equality this country was founded upon.

An Impertinent Question


Permit me an impertinent question (or three).

Suppose a small group of extremely wealthy people sought to systematically destroy the U.S. government by (1) finding and bankrolling new candidates pledged to shrinking and dismembering it; (2) intimidating or bribing many current senators and representatives to block all proposed legislation, prevent the appointment of presidential nominees, eliminate funds to implement and enforce laws, and threaten to default on the nation’s debt; (3) taking over state governments in order to redistrict, gerrymander, require voter IDs, purge voter rolls, and otherwise suppress the votes of the majority in federal elections; (4) running a vast PR campaign designed to convince the American public of certain big lies, such as climate change is a hoax, and (5) buying up the media so the public cannot know the truth.

Would you call this treason?

If not, what would you call it?

And what would you do about it?

Posted at 8:55 AM
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bullet July 12, 2013

After just about a whole day yesterday doing yard work, I am today sunburned, achy, headachy, tired, and stiff - but I did get everything done outside that I had wanted. If I can move much at all today I have lots of cleaning work to get done now on the inside. Unfortunately I wouldn't be any more anxious to get into this cleaning even if I it didn't hurt to move. Hopefully I can overcome my own limitations and get at least a start at the work to be done, because unlike what I did yesterday outside, the cleaning inside won't get done in a single day, not by a long shot.

Posted at 8:15 AM
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bullet July 11, 2013

The Big Sweep begins today - that's what I'm calling the massive all-around cleaning and primping project that will occur over the next few days in preparation for the arrival and week-long visit of my mother, sister, nephew, niece,and nephew's friend. I have a wide range of cleaning projects inside the house, a major plant trimming project inside paired with weeding and plant trimming outside, plus trimming shrubs and edging, trimming, and mowing the lawn. Throw in laundry, some scrubbing of walls, a bit of carpet cleaning, a lot of organizing, and some deep cleaning in the refrigerator and parts of the kitchen, and I have a busy and tiring week ahead of me ... but it needs to be done.

So expect a lot of bitching from me over the next ten days. I'm quite organized at all times so things never looks too bad, but dust and grunge build up, plants inside grow wild, and flowerbeds outside are left to go slightly wild most of the time since it doesn't really hurt anything or anybody. Unfortunately it makes for a rather significant effort when I'm expecting company, but that's the way this has often gone.

Sigh. I'd rather do something else.

Posted at 8:47 AM
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bullet July 10, 2013

I get to go to Elyria for an interview - again (since showing up a week early doesn't count, even if it's at the right time of day). Who knows how this will go. I'm just wondering (worrying) that I don't get penalized or doubted for my over-anxious rush to get there last week that made me miss a closer look for the exact date in the e.mail.

Posted at 8:12 AM
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bullet July 9, 2013

The American Dream is dead.

Posted at 8:49 AM
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bullet July 8, 2013

I have nothing good to say today.

Posted at 9:13 AM
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bullet July 7, 2013

If only humanity had humanity.

Posted at 8:48 AM
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bullet July 6, 2013

The prediction is for the next fourteen days to be full of rain, this after already three days of on-and-off rain showers. Should I be searching out beaverwood? Drafting plans for my Ark?

Posted at 8:42 AM
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bullet July 5, 2013

Take yesterday's bout of depression and the miserable weather and add a splitting headache, a swollen throat, and mildly upset stomach and you have today. It just keeps getting better and better!

Posted at 8:00 AM
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bullet July 4, 2013

Well ... I did a great job yesterday of making a fool of myself. I went to Elyria for my interview, misunderstood my GPS at the last turn, and ended up being a minute or two late - only to find that the interview was next Wednesday. So not only did I waste time, gas, as well as mileage and wear and tear on the car, but I made a fool of myself, probably to the extent of dimming my employment prospects at least somewhat.

I'm not as upset with myself as yesterday, but today is dreary and rainy, so it's not much of an emotional boost even though it's Independence Day.

I wish something would go right for once, despite me being involved.

Posted at 7:52 AM
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bullet July 3, 2013

I've got another interview this morning, just scheduled yesterday. This one is in Elyria, a nearby city, so I'll be leaving shortly.

It's odd how these interviews keep seeming to come in pairs - now that they're coming at all - but I'm more than happy to have them. It's far better than none at all, like things were for months. Hopefully one of these will move me to the next step - employment. I've certainly been more than patient.

Posted at 8:34 AM
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bullet July 2, 2013

I can be incredibly eloquent at times at at other times be a babbling idiot. Yesterday, during my interview, I fear I tread too far toward babbling idiot.

I was still (and even remain now) somewhat excited about the possibility of having this job and how much it would be very much in line with much of what I would like from a job, and I suppose that nervousness did what it regularly does with me and I ended up talking more than necessary and - while being honest and forthright - saying things that I could well have kept to myself.

I don't know. It could certainly have been worse, and I was very pleased with the description of job expectations because I could clearly do everything necessary and more and do all of it well, and I believe I got across my experience as well as my guiding concepts of good management, good customer service, and keys to success in retail. At the same time I highlighted my past year of searching for a job, made note of my two college degrees that don't help me get a job (and my original goal of those degrees as part of a package with a master's degree so that I could teach), and I pointed out my positive experiences with one of my past co-workers who had been handicapped, Randy Hand, and may have appeared disingenuous when in fact I was trying to point out how well I believed people - regardless of handicap - could be good employees if they had a good work ethic and thereby why handicapped people should be considered equally with other candidates if not even considered slightly before others since they often are even more eager to do a good job because they are determined to prove they are as good as anyone else. Anyhow, I meant well in everything I said and simply wanted to lay out what I had to offer, but these people didn't know me, and I'm not sure how I actually came off after all of my rambling.

I'll be upset if this time I sabotaged myself after waiting so long for an opportunity like this with not only a job but a job I would like.

Posted at 9:02 AM
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bullet July 1, 2013

I'm still jittery, up and down about this interview, and it's a rainy day to make it that much more light and encouraging. Yea!

Posted at 9:24 AM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2013