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May 2014

 

bullet May 31, 2014

I made it through another week, through another month, got the missing pay I hadn't had (although now another week is done but not yet paid), and I still have a job. It's too hot for this time of year but survivable, and I have food and utilities to survive. Does this all make me happy? No. But it does make me less anxious and fearful than I've been for a while. There are still many justified fears in all aspects of my life, but it could be much, much worse in so many ways.

Posted at 6:34 AM
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bullet May 30, 2014

Progress is being made at work, slowly but surely. Now I'm sure to get fired, just as things are coming together.

Posted at 6:49AM
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bullet May 29, 2014

First paycheck in five and a half weeks and it's missing a week's pay. Joy.

Life as usual.

Posted at 7:34 AM
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bullet May 28, 2014

... and back to being tired again ... and other stuff ...

Seriously, doesn't anyone care about me enough to kill me? Each day seems at least as bad if not worse than the last.

<sigh>

Posted at 6:40 AM
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bullet May 27, 2014

I read another book yesterday, and Steve and I went to a late lunch/early dinner at the Chinese Buffet and ate and talked for a few hours, so that wound up being a simple but nice day. More like that would be appreciated.

Posted at 7:06 AM
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bullet May 26, 2014

I actually read a whole book yesterday from start to finish! I had the time to do that and more, although nothing of any significance. It felt good to read, both satisfying, a good bit of escape, and also a sense of accomplishment. I've gone five more than five months without reading a book, the longest stretch in the last ten years, and I've been frustrated at never having had the time. Now I've broken the drought. Hopefully I'll be able to find more time to read now.

Posted at 7:32 AM
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bullet May 25, 2014

I slept more last night than the night before and a huge amount more than the night before that, but I still feel tired. I'm also quite depressed, and the lethargy sometimes does come with it. Still, to feel this tired is truly wearying in itself. Hopefully by the end of this long weekend I'll have found some balance or regained some stamina or something.

I don't like life in general because of feeling miserable all of the time, but feeling exhausted AND miserable is worse. You'll have to take my word on this.

Posted at 8:26 AM
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bullet May 24, 2014

So tired. So, so tired.

Posted at 7:49 AM
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bullet May 23, 2014

Another death, this time a beloved mother of an old friend - and as usual I was never contacted. She died in the beginning of February and I had no idea. I am deeply saddened but also aggrieved that I was once again left ignorant that I was never given the chance to properly say goodbye to someone I loved and respected.

This is the world in which we live.

Posted at 7:09 AM
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bullet May 22, 2014

No stability in housing. No stability in job security. No stability in earnings. No stability in cash reserves. No stability in healthcare. No stability in health. No stability in outside support. No stability in anything.

No stability in anything = no emotional stability = no sanity = me.

Posted at 7:26 AM
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bullet May 21, 2014

... and now at four and a half weeks without pay again. It's a good thing we get paid weekly; can you imagine only getting paid once a month ... Oh yeah! I CAN!!

Hopefully this won't go a full six weeks again as the last two times I've had to wait until getting paid (and yes, I should be and am happy that I still have a job at all, but seriously? This is crazy).

Posted at 7:07 AM
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bullet May 20, 2014

Still feeling melancholy, depressed a bit but mostly just wistful and sad. It is a horrible life, Clarence.

Posted at 7:07 AM
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bullet May 19, 2014

Well. Something finally went right this weekend.

Saturday I had planned a social gathering at my apartment of a couple people, my friend Steve (whom I work with) being one and another friend whom I haven't seen in a while being the other. After being blown off for a few days in my attempts to re-confirm the get-together with my other friend it became obvious he wasn't going to respond and wasn't going to show. That pretty much shut down the whole affair, so the groceries I bought and extra cleaning I'd done were for naught, and the whole thing was a bust. I was disappointed in my friend but moreso in myself because I set myself up once again to be disappointed and to nobody's surprise but my own I was once again disappointment and subsequently depressed.

I spent the rest of the day in a funk and getting nothing useful or even enjoyable accomplished, and that depressed me further, and yesterday followed along the same lines. I did however, have plans that I was supposed to meet up with my friend Simon and his wife Casey in Perrysburg for dinner as they drove in from Chicago on the way to Sandusky to go to Cedar Point. I was looking forward to that as well, and it had more potential to fall apart due to logistics, so I spent the day making sure I was ready to go but also tempering my expectations and trying to make sure I didn't come off even more depressed if things didn't work out.

As luck would have it things did work out. Simon and Casey were a little later than hoped due to not remembering the change in time zones, but we had a nice dinner (Simon treated me!) and nice conversation for an hour and a half. I would have loved to talk longer, but they still had the rest of the drive to Sandusky yet after a day of driving, and I had to drive back to the East side and clean up for bed since I had to work today. I'll admit I'm somewhat melancholy because I miss seeing Simon more than once every five to ten years it seems (and that's getting to be true of most of my friends since they all live so far away), and getting together with him reminds me how much I enjoy his company.

I'm not lonely in the sense that I feel bad when I'm alone or that I yearn for people to be with. I'm not like that. But I do feel bad that the people I do love in my life are almost inaccessible for the most part, and that makes me feel lonely ... and there's nothing I can do about it.

So that's my emotional roller coaster. Still rolling ...

Posted at 6:52 AM
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bullet May 18, 2014

... and too much disappointment ... so much that today I just couldn't redirect myself from what I'd expected, and for the most part I wasted away the day yesterday ... which is fine, I suppose, since it was a weekend - and the first free weekend without having to catch up on everything I hadn't done in five months - but I had been expecting more ... and to not have it was very depressing ...

Now, with a new day, I can do it all again. Let's see if my plans for this evening come together or are also denied me. I know which version I'm expecting right now, but I do hope to be wrong.

Posted at 7:47 AM
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bullet May 17, 2014

Too. Much. Stress.

... and mostly for stupid shit where it wouldn't be so bad if people would just come out and say what they think and feel and plan to do ...

Posted at 7:45 AM
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bullet May 16, 2014

Happy Birthday to David Plunkett, wherever you are. I haven't seen you in years, but I remember you fondly and miss you.

Posted at 7:20 AM
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bullet May 15, 2014

Boom-lowering avoided for a day, but how long I will have a job is left to be seen (or at least a full-time job since I might be lucky enough to at least just have reduced hours and not total unemployment). This is how life is supposed to be fun and exciting, right?

Posted at 6:40 AM
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bullet May 14, 2014

Is the boom about to be lowered?

Posted at 6:58 AM
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bullet May 13, 2014

I find myself losing any faith that there is decency in more than the rarest few people. I have met some - my grandma was one - but most people I meet are selfish, self-righteous, and self-serving without any time, patience, or compassion for anyone but themselves. There may be some kind of judgment upon such people in the future, but it can't come soon enough.

Posted at 7:57 AM
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bullet May 12, 2014

Yes ... thanks for letting me know ... as usual ... since I would like to know and share in the lives of people who are supposed to be close to me, even though they clearly want nothing to do with me and make that clear by NOT ever actually letting me know ANYTHING.

But that's fine. It took me over thirty years to get it drilled into my skull and not doubt what had always been right in front of my face ... make myself see things as they really are and not delude myself into thinking people couldn't possibly be that fake and cruel and duplicitous ... but I know know. I'm still tremendously saddened and disappointed, but I know it and face it now.

Don't expect me to believe the lies any more, though. I don't. And don't expect me to try any more ... I just can't. I won't. I don't have it in me any more even if I had it in me to even give you one more chance.

So find what happiness you can. This sort of thing inevitably finds its way home, and when it does, your suffering should be simply unbearable -- although well deserved.

Posted at 7:12 AM
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bullet May 11, 2014

Yesterday was a day of being constantly busy and constantly tired. I was up at 5:30 AM, and between cleaning the apartment from top to bottom for the first time since I move in five months ago, cleaning the car inside and out for the first time in seven months or more - since before my grandma's house was put up for sale, cleaning laundry (and drying and folding and ironing and ... ugh!), fixing a couple broken household items, setting things up for work next week, and fitting in a couple of meals and a couple of showers in there, I never had a moment to stop and rest and relax. I'm glad I was able to do all of those things and finally get them taken care of, but I am more glad I don't have to do any of those things again for a few weeks! That was hardly the way to spend my first full proper day off, but I really needed to have all of that stuff out of the way.

Now on to today's plans ...

Posted at 7:07 AM
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bullet May 10, 2014

Wow. A Saturday off and no event I need to attend and no moving to be done. I even got my groceries stocked up.

Of course the plan (or is it hope) is to clean the apartment from top to bottom, clean the car inside and out, wash, dry, and iron all of the laundry, fix food for lunches at work next week, and get a bunch of smaller tasks and obligations taken care of - all in the span of two days, today and tomorrow. It will be great if I can get most (or all?) of the things done that I'd like, but I hope at least I can get most done.

There's much to do and I'd really love to just veg out after fifteen weeks of work every day all day. It's great to have a chance to do other things, even if they're just different types of work for which I don't get paid.

And with that, on to the drudgery!

Posted at 7:38 AM
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bullet May 9, 2014

I have no desire to do any of this any more. Nothing about living even begins to make any level of balance for the pain and misery. Why keep trying?

Posted at 7:05 AM
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bullet May 8, 2014

We may be going to off-season hours starting tomorrow, meaning Monday through Friday, 9 AM to 6 PM. It would allow for a lot more time to get things done and *gasp* possibly even have some semblance of a life outside of work. We'll see. It seems too good to be true.

Posted at 7:29AM
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bullet May 7, 2014

No, I am fortune's fool.

Posted at 7:06 AM
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bullet May 6, 2014

I actually left work a couple hours early last night because I felt so poorly. I don't know if I'm fighting off a cold or flu or if I slept quite wrong or if my Spring allergies were at the worst or what, but I felt bad to start and got worse as the day progressed and I grew more and more tired.

I don't know how today will play out, but I hope whatever it was yesterday fully burned itself out over night. I have enough problems without adding illness to the list.

Posted at 7:41 AM
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bullet May 5, 2014

I feel like crap today: tired even though I had a full night's sleep, aching head, seriously aching lower back, scratchy eyes ... I don't know what caused any of this other than just the typical bad luck and usually misery, but I feel like hell.

Let's call today Sicko de Mayo or Stinko de Mayo to celebrate my pain and suffering. Yea - my own holiday (and I still have to work - of course!).

Posted at 7:29AM
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bullet May 4, 2014

Give me death, sleep, or the bliss of delusional ignorance in what life has to offer. The alternative is constant misery.

Posted at 7:19 AM
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bullet May 3, 2014

More funerals. Yea.

Posted at 6:47 AM
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bullet May 2, 2014

It looks like even my rare day off is still a day with work obligations. How has this happened?

Posted at 7:30 AM
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bullet May 1, 2014

Mayday. Mayday! MAYDAY!!!

Posted at 7:29AM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © May 2014