March 31, 2001

Well, it's now officially the end of the month, and I survived the hell. In all honesty, March was upsetting, depressing, and rough to get through, but not in the ways I had anticipated. While I wasn't haunted by memories of the past as much as I expected to be, I had far too many new anxieties and of course the disturbing dreams that came out of nowhere. Of course the fact that March is over doesn't mean that things will automatically get better - in fact, I have little hope that things will change noticeably based on the way things have been going in general. I guess it's just that I went into March with such dread for everything that it stands for to me and for everything that has happened during past Marches to affect my life. I don't see myself as a person who lives in the past, but I'm also not a person that can forget the past - strong memories elicit strong emotions.

So now we dawn on April 1st, April Fool's Day. Ironically, April 1st is the day the doctors had predicted that I would be born (although my April Fool's joke on those doctors and my mother was to come out almost two weeks early). I don't really know what to expect from this month. I don't have any optimism right now because of the way life is going in general, but at the same time I don't have the fears and bad associations facing me like I did at the start of March. I guess that's a good thing, small of a consolation as it may be.

I'm still very tired. I'm pretty sure it's emotional and not just physical. I haven't really slept in late in the mornings, but I have slept long enough to not be tired, yet I still feel weak and listless. And I also feel much more beaten down and tired with each new thing that goes wrong for me or with each little anxiety attack or fit of severe depression that hits me.

In the sense that death can be seen as an endless sleep, it seems very appealing right now. And I'm sure that that is part of the reasons for the thoughts of death that have haunted me most of the month. But I still don't see suicide as alluring. I have no idea why that is because logically being dead can't be any worse that my current existence and may even possibly be better ... but I still just don't see myself going through with something like that. I wish I knew why. It actually bothers me more that I don't know why I avoid suicide than it would knowing that I was trying to find a way to do it.

When it comes down to it, I feel that I really just don't know anything. Not anything at all.

Posted at 12:57 AM

March 30, 2001

Yee. Haw.

That's all I plan to say today (so that I don't vent and whine to you again).

Posted at 11:41 PM

March 29, 2001

Do you have friends that make fun of people just like you as though you aren't intelligent enough to realize they are talking about you? Do you have friends that tease you even when they know what they're saying is hurtful? Do you have friends that think it's fun to upset you? Do you have friends that think you're funny to watch when you get pissed off and tell you that that is why they argue with you? Do you have friends that get almost as much of a kick out of giving you a guilt complex as your mother about things that were never your fault in the first place? Do you have friends like this?

Well neither do I, because people who do things like this are not your friends. Oh sure, you may have thought they were your friends. They may have said you were their friend. You may have even put up with their abuse for years figuring that you were just being too sensitive or taking things the wrong way. But the reality is that people who do things like this are not your friends. In fact, you will likely be treated better than this by complete strangers that you would meet on the street than by these abusive bastards.

I wonder if somehow I subconsciously seek out people like this because this is the way that I was treated as a child by my family. Hell, it's still the way I'm treated by my family; it's among the many reasons I maintain my distance from my family to the best of my ability. I just don't understand why I still allow myself to get involved with people like this and allow them to hurt me over and over.

Even today it has happened again. It happened yesterday also. And the day before. A different person each time - someone I considered a friend. I am angry at myself and at them, but I am too tired to do anything but sink deeper into depression. I hate my life. I hate the world. And all I can do is cry and give up what little hope I had left.

Posted at 11:07 PM

March 28, 2001

I still feel tired. It has been the same all day, and it was a fairly down sort of day in general. I don't really have the energy to struggle to fight my depression like I sometimes can do, and I haven't had much energy for school work. I did go to classes today, I did read three stories for next week, and I did get the materials I missed getting yesterday when I skipped class. However, I still have two short papers due before the end of the week plus a new short paper just added today to be due Friday morning, and I have to read a novel by the end of the weekend as well as try to get the next two short papers done (they will be due by the end of next week). I may also have a long paper due at the end of next week and/or an exam next week, but both of those are up in the air and may end up being set for the following Monday.

Around all of this hangs this tiredness and depression, and I'm getting very little done. Not getting things done in this fashion gets me more depressed as well. I bring it all on myself, I know (yes, I realize that it's "all in my head"), but knowing that the depression isn't a physical manifestation doesn't make it any easier to get rid of. I wish it did. I don't want to feel this way - it really sucks. But then I guess you've figured that out by now ...

Posted at 11:52 PM

March 27, 2001

I feel very tired as I write this. There's no good reason - I accomplished nothing today. In fact, I didn't go to my class or do any schoolwork. I didn't really watch any tv (although I tried turning it on a couple of times but ended up turning it off again shortly thereafter), I didn't rest, and I didn't even spend time deep in thought. It's just as though today passed in the blink of an eye with no consequence.

It seems as though this is the empty existence that lies before me. No joy. No interest. No usefulness. And no one to notice or care. How pathetic.

But it all makes me very tired. I have no energy left for anything and no energy to draw upon. Ah, 'to sleep ... perchance to dream' - but my dreams are only ever nightmares, so perhaps even that is withheld from me.

Posted at 11:43 PM

March 26, 2001

I'm going insane.

My sadness and longing is so overpowering that today I started crying on three different occasions at school. I had gone into quiet study lounges each time between classes, intending to try to focus and work on my papers, but each time I found a young man peacefully asleep on a couch. Sometimes a few people were asleep around the room, but I would pass by some boy who just looked so peaceful and innocent - angelic. I'd find myself staring and then feel overwhelming sadness.

It's not a sexual thing. That's never a part of it. It's hard to explain, but ... it's just that I want to share in that tranquility ... appreciate it like something beautiful in nature ... seek some vicarious calm ... it's more than words can express. And I want more. I want so much to just have someone hold me or let me hold them. I need it. I need someone to hold me and never let go.

Somehow, the same feeling of peacefulness and safety that I want from that sort of embrace is there in the sleeping boy ... that embrace that I've never felt and fear I'll never know ... waiting ... but never for me. And that fills me with sadness. And I cry ...

Posted at 2:12 AM

March 25, 2001

Today was much like yesterday except that I was much more sullen. I did get the reading done which I needed to, but some of the passages from Frankenstein seemed too poignant to my own sense of hoplessness and depression.

"I wept bitterly; and, clasping my hands in agony, exclaimed, 'Oh! stars, and clouds, and winds, ye are all about to mock me: if ye really pity me, crush sensation and memory; let me be as nought; but if not, depart, depart and leave me in darkness.'

"These were wild and miserable thoughts; but I cannot describe to you how the eternal twinkling of the stars weighed on me, and how I listened to every blast of wind, as if it were a dull ugly siroc on its way to consume me."

There is no value in a life like this. No redemption. No hope. Somehow ... somehow, it must all change or end. It must.

Posted at 11:32 PM

March 24, 2001

I gave no thought to doing anything practical today. I just watched tv (cartoons and other crap), ate, surfed the net, and played a lot of Diablo II. I've pretty much burned out my eyes after so many hours in front of the computer, but that's okay - I spent all day not getting weighed down with depression, and I left myself no time for depressing or morbid thoughts. I guess it's kind of avoiding my problems to do things this way, but I really just needed a chance to relax.

Tomorrow I have to do some reading for a Monday class, and I should write the two short papers that are due early next week. I intend to spend a little more time watching tv and playing Diablo II tomorrow so that I can still stay emotionally level, but I will need to focus on school work for a least a while.

In a way it's pretty sad that this is the best I can come up with as a way to relax and not get depressed, but ... well ... you have to work with what you've got ...

Posted at 12:03 AM

March 23, 2001

I woke up to another dream this morning. I don't know what's going on in my head to have three dreams in just four days after no having had more than a dream or two in years. I don't like it though.

This dream was quite disturbing, same as the others. The difference was that this dream was full of death, corpses, rended bodies, and gore. This isn't stuff I usually think of. In fact this is a rare thing for me to think about, but I have been thinking about death and dying a lot for the past week. It's not like a morbid fascination or anything, I just keep seeing ugly visions and remembering death scenes from stories or movies. And I've been thinking about Ken ...

I never think about what Ken might have looked like at the accident or in death - I just can't - but I do keep remembering times I was with Ken and just remembering how comfortable I felt with him. And how good he made me feel to be around him. I've actually had little fantasies about spending time with him - nothing sexual ... I could never do that to Ken's memory - but I think about a time we were together and my mind just wanders about what might have happened if we had had more time together. Damn I miss him.

It should have been me.

Ken was so special. He had so much to offer the world, and he had such a positive effect on so many people. It's not fair. It's not FAIR!

Why not me. It shouldn't have been him. Not Ken. No. Not Ken.

Posted at 12:40 AM

March 22, 2001

I have been getting up early every day this week to get together with people to prepare a group presentation for tomorrow. That and a lot of constant reading has really been stressing my eyes. Add to that the depression which has been making my head throb, and my eyes just feel really tired and sore. Considering it hasn't even been a week since my operation, I have probably been pushing too hard. Tomorrow will see me up just as early as all of the other days this week and will also see a lot more reading as well as work on two short papers, but if I can get all of this stuff done then I can relax a bit this weekend.

I also have a follow-up appointment for my eyes tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping I haven't done anything to strain my eyes. I feel pressure from them, maybe even some swelling, but nothing really painful. Hopefully things will look good. In fact, I ran out of one of the types of medicated drops and don't have to take those any more. I hope that tomorrow the other medicated drops will be discontinued as well. If that's the case then all I have to do is use the rewetting drops to keep my eyes moist, and there's no schedule to keep like I have to do with the medicated drops. So hopefully the eye care situation will get easier tomorow.

Mostly, though, I just want a break from reading, writing, and even classes. I need to have some time to clear my head a bit, and my class discussions this week have actually really upset me a lot. I hope I will have a chance this weekend to just get some distance from these things. Part of me just wants to stay in bed all weekend and not leave the room. I know that won't happen, but just feeling that I could if I really needed it will make me feel a little better.

What I really want is just to have someone hold me all weekend - in bed, on the couch watching tv, lying in the park looking up into the sky ... just everywhere. Just being held and never being let go.

But that just isn't going to happen.

Remind me again ... what is it I'm living for?

Posted at 11:42 PM

March 21, 2001

Hmmmm....

I don't understand any of it, but after feeling like I was finally getting all of my lengthy depression behind me and having a pretty decent week or two, I have spent a very troubled last three days. I'm just sort of numb and stable right now, but I've spent a lot of time being really sad, having unstoppable fits of tears, and having anxiety attacks.

I can remember just last week having hopes and aspirations for ways my life might be improving or be able to improve soon, but now I just can't see anything positive. All sorts of bad luck and upsetting things have been hitting me one after another, and I just don't see that changing. The sad truth is that bad luck and trouble are constants in my life - I just somehow manage to sometimes make myself believe that those bad things will somehow stop and my life will get better. Of course that never happens, and I really don't know why I ever fool myself into thinking things will ever change.

This is why I just don't know why there's any point in trying. I'm all alone. I hate my life. I have no hope left. ... What the fuck? Why even try?

Posted at 11:40 PM

March 20, 2001

No more. No more.

"No man is an island unto himself," and yet I am. This is indeed hell. Eternal suffering through the denial of what the soul most needs. Destroy me completely such that my soul shall never feel again. End the cycle of this soul and return it to the void from which all things came. For that is the only peace it has ever known.

Posted at 10:32 PM

March 19, 2001

Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster that is my life.

Today was my 34th birthday. Yippee (Yes, that's me showing as much enthusiasm as I would have for root canal work). The annual realization that I'm getting older without getting any closer to the happiness I want and need is likely the most depressing instance in my life. Even considering that, I went into the day more enthusiastic.

When I went to sleep last night, I was in a decent mood after having gone through Spring Break. In the middle of the night (like 3:30 AM) I woke up, however, with memory of an unpleaasant dream. I've mentioned before in this Journal that I almost never remeber my dreams - in fact, I never even realize that I have had dreams at all except for the fact that I know everybody is supposed to. So anyhow, it was of some note that I remembered the dream, even vaguely.

I got up and went to the bathroom, and then I couldn't get to sleep for what seemed like forever (but was probably a little under an hour). At 6:45 my alarm went off and I remembered another dream with perfect clarity. This one was much more real, much more involved, and much, much more disturbing. It's bothered me in the back of my mind all day, in fact. But I was on a tight schedule this morning, so I didn't have time to think too hard about it.

I had a quiz in my first class. I had just read about half of the text to be read within the last 45 minutes and I somehow managed to get 5 out of 6 on the quiz when amlost everyone else in the class got 0's. Then we got our exams back - 82/100 - not bad considering the prof and how much I studied, but it's always kind of disappointing not to get an A. Then I had to go to two different computer labs to print out my papers since printers were off-line all over campus. Then another exam back in my next class - 96/100! - but I also had to find the two girls that I work with in presenting Freud to the class on Friday (the girls were both clueless that we had this assignment, so I guess I have my work cut out for me). Then more classes, returned papers, turned in papers, blah, blah, blah ...

Well, the bottom line (since I've realized that I'm even boring myself pointing out each good or bad thing that has happened all day) ... the bottom line is that it has been a day of good feelings and bad feelings which just gradually dropped lower and lower overall as the day progressed. The whole concept of birthdays now just really bums me out. I mean, I just want someone to talk to that cares and that I can care for. I want someone to hold me that I can hold back. I want someone to do things for to feel like I'm a decent human being. I want someone to renew my faith in humanity so I can believe that people actually do deserve to be happy. I want someone who wants to learn from me but also has things to teach me as well. I want someone to make me want to be a better person so that I can be better to them. I want someone that I can praise and appreciate and be in awe of...

I want ... I need someone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can put up this facade most of the time that I'm really strong and independent, but I'm not. It just hurts, and I feel so empty. So terribly empty and ugly and useless. And I'm alone because I'm not good enough for anyone to give a damn about. So I guess I'm just fucked.

Another year of my life is set to start and the only thing that I want is someone to share my life with. It's the same hope every year, and it never comes true. Nothing else matters. Nothing. Not school. Not cash or clothes or stuff. Not comfort. Not health. Not anything except finding someone to save me. If I had that ... I could live happily without anything else no matter how hard life might be. But living without that special someone, regardless of what I have in my life, is just a living hell, plain and simple.

I know what I need to be happy. There is no substitute. And not having what I need and always doubting I might ever have it is no way to live - not now - not at my next birthday - not ever. Please let it happen this year. Please. Save me.

Posted at 12:01 AM

March 18, 2001

Well, as last days of Spring Break go, this was rather decent. I slept in for the first time all Break (only 'til 9:15, but that was actually sleeping in), getting a free brunch buffet from Christiana as a birthday present (plus some pleasant conversation for the first time in a long time (Christiana's in love ... it's cute in a way - as long as I don't hear too much about it)), finishing all of the papers for school satisfactorily, getting to watch some decent tv (not much, but some) without interuption, and best of all - getting to play Diablo II for about five hours of just carefree fun. That's what I really missed this week that I would have hoped to have had.

What I also didn't get done over break that I wanted to do was some major updates to the website and the first chapter of the story. I knew after about the first day of Break that the story was almost certainly not going to happen because of all of the school work to be done, but I had wanted to revamp the site in a few ways: shrink the page size to better fit the entire contents of the target frame on one screen without scrolling (it's just a bit too large on some screen sizes or browser types, and I know how to fix it), update and expand the Bio page - the update part is done, but no expansion at all, update and expand the Links page (same thing - I updated but did not expand (which will still come - it will add other link sections besides links to gay romance stories)), update the counter (which hasn't worked for a single day), and expand readers (through: meta tags, joining webrings, and cross-posting on the major gay romance story boards). The time will come that I will get all of these things done, but that won't be for a little while now (I expect) since school will once again take precedence.

What I did get done on break that I hadn't originally planned was the Laser Eye surgery. Nothing else, but this has involved a lot of my time and is, to me, a major event to have accomplished. Is this a good trade-off for the web-site? Hell yeah! The eyes will pay off for the rest of my life, and you can't imagine how liberating I have felt to be free of glasses. It's just fantastic.

But tomorrow brings the routine grind of classes and the regular associated pressures. But at least it's better than a job I hate, the way things had been for me for years. You've always gotta be sure to keep things in perspective ...

Posted at 11:43 PM

March 17, 2001

Happy St. Patrick's Day! You know, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, and it's only fair that he got his own day for that...

Sorry about no entry yesterday, but I was ordered to bed rest with no visual stimulation (no tv, no books, no computer) and ordered to try to get some sleep.

The operation was a success. It went very quickly, and I felt almost nothing. This morning I had a follow-up appointment, and I am told I have 20/20 vision now based on the tests. Things are still a little weird while my eyes learn to adjust to the differences (and my eyes get seriously dry, way fast), but the vision is definitely an undeniable improvement. I can walk around and even drive without any glasses, so this is a big improvement. I can even read without glasses, but I really have to concentrate.

I'm told that my vision will fluctuate over the next one to three months while my eyes heal and the muscles adjust to the changes in my cornea. As time passes, I'll get better control and along with that my vision will seem clearer. Even so, it's amazing to have such clear vision as I already have after only about 32 hours since the surgery.

Today has also completed two weeks on an incredibly extreme diet where I feel like I've starved myself. I had gotten back up to 224 pounbs in my depression, but the diet over the last two weeks has lost 24 pounds. I couldn't stand it any more today, however, and had to eat - so I had a feast of chili and fresh-baked bread. I think I'll eat a bit more normally this week and then return to focusing on the diet. The end goal is somewhere around 160, but I've never been lower than 176 at any point in my life (except when I was shorter than this, and that would have been in like sixth grade or earlier (I've been my current 5'9" since seventh grade, so that's like the last 22 years)). My big goal for the near future is to get below 190 (hopefully 185 or less) because I look pretty good at that weight. But realistically I know I should be much lighter based on my height, so I'll see what I can do.

The nice thing today is that I don't feel guilty about breaking my diet. I know I did it partly because I was really at my limits for a starvation diet, but I also had a lot of anxiety because of the eyes, so that was part of it. But I feel pretty good about the way everything is going, so I'm not stressed that I might have blown all of my hard work over the last two weeks of dieting. This is the way it should be.

Posted at 12:03 AM

March 15, 2001

'Beware the Ides of March, oh great Caesar!'

Well, Caesar didn't take good advice any better than most people, so 2045 years ago today he was asassinated. What does this have to do with today (other than being the Ides of March)? Well, nothing exactly.

In fact while today hasn't been anything exciting, it also hasn't been a day of foreboding or calamity like it was for Caesar. I got the big paper and both shorter papers written (although I will make a number of more revisions between now and handing them in on Monday), and I still had time to run a couple short errands and still relax like a vegetable in front of a Jackie Chan move tonight.

Tomorrow is my surgery, and I am satisfied to know that I can relax most of the weekend if I need to. I'm not very nervous about it. At least not yet. Actually I sort of anxious to see what the results will be. The idea of never needing glasses again seems almost too good to be true. But hey, I'm up for any small miracles that might come my way.

Posted at 10:46 PM

March 14, 2001

I had my PreOp Exam today for the Laser Optical Surgery. They measured the curvature of my eyes, measured the depth of my cornea, made topographic scans of the surfaces of my eyes, checked for various eye diseases, and checked my level of vision normally and dialted. I haven't had my eyes dilated in more than twenty years, and it's weird - my pupils are supposed to remain excited for 10 to 12 hours (that means 'til about 6 or 7 tomorrow morning), and I simply can't refocus to see anything near me. It's a weird experience.

Anyhow, the good news is that I passed all tests with flying colors. In fact, I was told that, based on the tests, I am a perfect candidate for laser surgery. I am all set to go for Friday.

I also got a prescription for some eyedrops I have to buy. The woman I was working with asked if I had prescription coverage through my insurance company, to which I replied, "No." She looked through the office and found me a bottle of the drops for free! She said it saved me $30, so I was quite pleased.

Prior to this appointment I ran a bunch of errands including renewing my driver's licence - how is it that they can consistently take such bad pictures? I also worked some more on my longer paper and got quite a bit done. I think that I might just be able to put everything together for that paper as well as write the two short ones. It would be great to finish these up before my surgery since I don't know how easily strained my eyes will get after that.

All in all though, I'm pretty pleased with the way things are going. Christiana is going to take me to a movie on Saturday as a birthday present. It's a sweet gift. Hopefully something good will be playing (everything at the theatre lately seems like such crap). So I'm expecting a pretty relaxing weekend if all goes well. That would be a welcome end to this Spring Break. Finally ... a chance to relax.

Posted at 10:44 PM

March 13, 2001

Damn it's cold! I don't know if it's to cut costs or if it's just plain sadism, but the Collingwood Arts Center where I live has been simply frigid for the last two weeks, and today I have been just unbearably cold. The building is heated by steam heated radiators from a central boiler system and most of the building is just as cold as it my particular rooms. I realize that gas costs have literally made the bills for the Collingwood Association triple (which is quite difficult on a nonprofit organization), but I don't think that's a good enough reason to let us freeze to death.

Normally I am a very warm person. I generate a lot of personal body heat and never have minded the cold of winter, even when walking around the wind-whipped streets of downtown Chicago. However I have never had to spend 24+ straight hours in that cold, either. I dress warm and lie under a blanket all day while I read or type up my papers for school (or watch tv or sleep), but it's not enough. I am just simply cold all over.

I am anxious for Spring for more than the normal reasons of general sunshine, budding of plants, and the ability to do things outside - I am anxious for a comfortable temperature in my rooms. This week is particularly bad since I don't even have the time that I spent in classrooms at BGSU to keep me warm. It's sad to think that I'm anxious to go back to college from Spring Break because I'm cold, but that's the truth of the situation.

If only I had someone to warm me up ...

Posted at 10:26 PM

March 12, 2001

I had a consultation today about Laser Optical Surgery. I have thought about this for quite a while, and I have wanted to be able to live without glasses for a long time. I have had glasses since I was five, can't see well enough without them to avoid bumping into things, and have hated them every year I have had to wear them.

In the beginning, of course, I was teased mercilessly by kids in school (or wherever). But even in high school and when I first went to college it was clear that even those who didn't say anything looked at me as less than someone else who didn't wear glasses. In my second year of college I got contacts and that made a big difference in how people treated me. I also realized that my depth perception was incredibly better than with glasses, and everything seemed more alive. I wore contacts for a number of years but had to give up because my eyes just became too dry and irritated.

I've also missed enjoying certain simple pleasures - being able to see clearly while swimming, playing sports without worrying my glasses will come off, riding roller coasters and not losing my glasses (this has actually happened to me), walking through a light rain and not having my vision blocked by glasses covered in raindrops and fog, waking up and being able to see the time on the alarm clock, reading a book while lying down without bending my glasses, and seeing my lover perfectly without glasses between him and me. And I'm sure there's more, but it seems like the glasses are always an impediment.

So today I got the full low-down ... and I decided to do it ... and I have a PreOp Exam Wednesday (day after tomorrow) and my actual surgery on Friday. Nothing like making a snap decision is there?

But it wasn't really a snap decision. I've been wanting to do this for years, but I still had some lingering questions (which were answered) and some concerns about being able to pay for it (which 12-month 0% financing has solved). So about a week from now, although I'll still be using a bunch of medicated eye drops and experiencing a few fluctuations in my eyes, I should be near 20/20 vision and able to move about in the world without some form of correction. And I will be ever so happy to get rid of my glasses.

Is it worth the high cost? I think so. The freedom of not having glasses alone makes up for the cost in my mind, but realistically the cost of eye exams and new glasses over even the next fifteen years would be equal to the cost of this surgery, and fifteen years would put me at pushing fifty - still time to enjoy good eyesight before my body completely decays and becomes useless.

So I'm actually rather pleased about this. Almost excited. It's like freeing myself from a small little prison that's held a part of me virtually all of my life, and I have to tell you that the smell of personal freedom is indeed sweet.

Posted at 12:03 AM

March 11, 2001

It's ridiculous to consider this a break when I have so much to do that I can't get it all done in a given day. I read all of the essays by Freud today for my Lit. Theory class next week. I have to do a presentation on these essays, so I needed to get things down well. I also washed laundry and ran some errands as well as having a visit from Nathan, but I had hoped to get so much more done. At this rate I wonder if I'll be able to spend any of this week of Spring Break doing relaxing things or even starting to write my story.

I still have two novels to read, two short papers to write, a long paper to write, and some around-the-house tasks to finish up. I also wanted to do a complete update/rework of the web site, and I desperately need to do a backup of my hard drive. Once all of that's done, I can work on my story or play. At this point I'm wondering if I'll have time to do either, and that's really bumming me out.

Isn't this supposed to be a week to relax and forget about school so I don't go insane?!

Posted at 11:15 PM

March 10, 2001

I took a break for about five hours today to just completely do something frivolous to relax - so I played Diablo II. I have played the game a number of times before and have almost finished the whole run through of the scenarios (although Diablo just kicks my butt time and again), but this time I decided to play a Necromancer, which I have never done before.

It's actually pretty cool. It makes for very different game play from the other characters (Amazon, Paladin, Sorceress, and Barbarian) because you can raise the dead into a small army to fight by your side - this is good because your character is okay as a fighter, but not great. Let me tell you though - even at only 10th level, this guy is kick-ass. I will have to play him again to see what I can do with him.

For the most part, I enjoy games that make me think - strategy, action, some fast-arcade style as long as there's a story line and more to it than just pressing the fire/kick/action button as fast as possible, and even fantasy RPG-like games. I'm flexible. Considering how much time I spent at the arcade as a kid, you'd think I'd be more into simple shoot outs, but they only hold my interest for a short time before I get bored.

While school's in session I don't really have the time to play the games, so this was a nice break. Today was a short run, though. I usually get so involved that the day just slides away while I play until I realize that it's already the wee hours of the morning. Tonight I wanted to get to sleep at a normal hour, though, so that I can get myself going early tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some more little around-the-house type tasks done tomorrow like I did today. Monday will probably be much of the same plus a lot of work on stuff for school (as a side note, what is the deal with making people read and write crap over Spring Break? Sure, I'm not basking in the sun or anything, but this is still supposed to be a week to regain sanity by being away from school, so having all sorts of stuff due right when you come back pretty much defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it?).

So that's it. Today was fairly boring (unless you are fascinated by stories about cleaning the place you live), and I'm still fuming about all of the shitty stuff that's been coming down the last few days, but I'll get over it all eventually.

Posted at 11:56 PM

March 9, 2001

Instead of telling you about all of the fucked up bad shit that happened to me today, I'm going to tell you about something that went great (and Hallelujah that at least one thing did).

I got my hair cut today. Now hold on, I'm not kidding - this really is a great thing.

A little over a year ago, I started growing my hair out for kind of a bowl cut. I have very blond, straight, fine hair, and I wanted to try something that looked great on other guys. So I started. I've never had my hair that long, so this was a big experiment, but within a short time it was clear that I liked it - except for the temples. I have sort of a high forehead - not a receding hairline, really. It's just always been high (and my temples actually have receded a teeny bit behind the center of my forehead, but not much). Anyhow, I brushed that little imperfection aside and have had that cut 'til today, letting it get longer by little bits until it was below my ears when I got it cut today (and everything below that was clippered).

Unfortunately, I have been unhappy with that cut for the last two months, and I have just given up even trying to trim it up well while I waited for Spring Break to do it. Why now? Well, it gives it a week to grow into the cut and me to get settled with it before everyone sees it at school. Besides, it will be a bit of a shock to everyone, and I want to make sort of a grand entrance when I return.

The new cut is like a Caesar cut (clippered tight on the sides and back, fairly short on top, and pulled forward) except that I'm gelling it into spikes and drawing it forward. I also decided to color my hair blond since it has been sort of dull (my hair gets very blond in the summer from the effects of the sun, to the point that it shines - but it fades out to a dull almost brown in the winter without the effects of sunlight. The old cut looked weird because the long hair on top that was still light from summer was still light, but the newer hair that had grown in where it was shorter from clippering was much darker). I've never colored my hair before, so this was a big step.

Everything came out great - the cut, the color, the style ... everything. And it makes me look so much better than the old cut. I had planned to wait until Monday to do the cut, but the first half of the day was so shitty, I decided I needed a pick-me-up. It worked. Until the shitty last half of the day started.

But even with everything else happening that sucked so much, I am very pleased with the new style. Very pleased.

Posted at 12:16 AM

March 8, 2001

I got caught staring today. I guess I'm pretty uncaring about it now, for the most part. I just always find a great looking guy to admire during class, and I can't help myself. It isn't sexual or anything ... I mean, I don't fantasize about them or anything ... I just admire how beautiful they are. I'm too afraid to approach them or anything, but I can look, can't I?

I don't know why I'm like this. Up until about four years ago, I never would have done this. Sure, I would have recognized that I thought a guy was attractive, but I would have just walked on or gone about my business. Now I just can't help but stare at every guy I find attractive.

I guess in a way it just means that I'm a healthy gay male, but it makes me feel dirty sometimes. I mean really, most of these guys I faun over at college are fifteen years younger than me - I could almost be their father - but I look at them as if we were the same age. I'm not an ageist. Quite the contrary - I believe that (within certain limits) people shouldn't limit themselves to being friends or lovers with people who are only about their age.

I'm sure I'll get caught again - it's inevitable. I just wish sometime I'd get a smile back. I don't expect someone to fall in love with me or anything, but a smile would be really nice.

Posted at 11:05 PM

March 7, 2001

Seven years ago today I lost someone who might have been my soulmate.

Kenneth M. Tierney Rice would have been 25 had he reached his birthday that April, but he never made it past this day seven years ago, dying in the hospital in a coma shortly after a head-on collision outside of Atlanta.

Ken was incredible to me. From the moment I first saw him with a mutual friend while I was working at Kinko's here in Toledo, I was captivated. In so many ways he was simply beautiful to me. Just a bit shorter than me with a slim but toned body and small features, he was like perfection. Short, full brown hair with eyes that were like wells into his soul and perfect features, he was beautiful but still quite fully manly and strong. He always seemed youthful and alive, not simply because of his youthful good looks but because of the way he carried himself and his attitude. Ken loved baseball and shooting pool and having fun with his friends. He was very confident in his sexuality and would aggressively confront anyone who didn't accept him for who he was. He was kind and caring and compassionate to everyone he met, and he was always able to make any time you spent with him the most fun you had had in a long time. Ken was, I think, the only person I could talk to about everything and feel that he really understood and cared. In a lot of ways it seemed that Ken and I shared a lot of the same concerns, fears, and hopes from life, and we both understood each other because of those things. Ken was one of the best people I know, and I have never met anyone like him again. He was the embodiment of everything I ever wanted, and he seemed perfect to me.

But he wasn't perfect - he had a serious acne problem that troubled him until shortly before he died, but this never mattered to me. He had a quick and sharp temper which could be difficult to put down, but I didn't mind. And he was fairly inflexible about settling for anything less than exactly what he wanted, but I was okay with that. To me, nothing about Ken was a negative aspect. He was, to me, perfect.

I could probably go so far as to say that I fell in love with Ken at first sight, but I never would have admitted that. I did admit it after a while and told Ken, but he told me he didn't feel the same way. I always wanted more than just our friendship, and I don't know if he ever really realized that. But for seven years I haven't even had that incredible friendship that we shared because he is gone.

In 1992 I had left Toledo to manage a Kinko's at Purdue University in Lafayette, Indiana. I had immediately asked Ken to come with me, and I would get him a job (which he was having trouble finding in Toledo). He refused. He just couldn't see living in a small city like that. I understood.

I visited Ken often in Toledo at first, then visits tapered off as I became involved in the new store, but I always kept contact. In 1993, Ken made a major decision to move to Atlanta to try to change his luck and get everything out of life that he wanted but wasn't finding in Toledo. Shortly before he moved he had gotten a driver's license (which he had never had before), a car, and medication which almost completely eliminated his acne. In Atlanta he found a great apartment, a good job, and a gay community and night life that Toledo would never be able to provide. Ken was actually very happy with his new life.

With Ken quite a bit further away, our contact diminished a bit, and this just made me miss and want him more. Eventually Ken made a trip to visit me in Lafayette in early March of 1994. When I saw him, I realized how much I missed him and loved him, and I wanted to just hug him tight and never let go. But I couldn't. I just didn't think Ken felt the same way as I did, and that hurt. Regardless of that, we had fun as I showed Ken a couple of fun days and nights around town.

Then one afternoon we had an argument. I had applied for a position managing a Kinko's in Chicago, and I wanted Ken to go with me. Ken, of course, was quite happy with Atlanta and had no reason to move, so he brushed me off. This just hurt me more, and I ended up lashing out later in our conversation as a result of this. Ken, always quick to anger, joined together in a loud, heated argument with me. We cooled down a little bit, but Ken decided to leave early, claiming that he had things he should get done in Atlanta before he had to return to work. He was supposed to have stayed another two days, and I knew it was because of me that he was leaving. As he went down to his car he gave me a hug. He told me he would see me again soon, and with a smile to me he drove away that same afternoon, never to return again.

The following weekend I went to Toledo for a visit. I went to the gay club Ken and I had always gone to and found out very abruptly that Ken was dead. I couldn't believe it and denied it for a while to the person that had told me, but eventually I knew it was true. The funeral was held that Monday, and I can't remember any funeral that was attended by so many people. It was a terrible day.

I learned later about Ken's wreck and realized that Ken had gotten in the accident on his way home from visiting me. Driving straight from central Indiana to central Georgia is a long trip, but Ken had gone straight through. I don't know if he was tired or upset because of our argument or if the other driver was drunk or what, but I can't help feeling that his death was my fault. If not for our argument, Ken would have stayed longer with me, at least another day where he could have left fresh in the morning rather than late in the afternoon. And worse that that is the feeling that the last memory Ken would have of me would be the argument. The man I loved ... and his last thoughts of me would be of that stupid fight.

The first year after Ken's death was horrible. I was constantly depressed. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If it hadn't been for my staff my store would have completely fell apart. About a year afterward, I decided I had to get away from Lafayette because I was seeing Ken in my memory, remembering him in every place we had been when I had showed him around town. I had never heard back from the Chicago Kinko's position, and I applied for another one that came up at the end of 1994. I got the position in early 1995 and went to work in Chicago on March 13th, not much more than a year after I lost Ken.

I'd like to say that time heals all wounds, but that isn't the case. I have missed Ken more and more every year to the point that my freaking out (or nervous breakdown, if you want to call it that) last year was largely because of losing him. I miss him so much, and I feel so lost without him. It's all I can do at times not to scream out loud as I cry for him. God I miss him.

I love you, Ken. I miss you so much, and I need you. I love you, Ken. I love you.

Posted at 11:55 PM

March 6, 2001

Well, I guess the world didn't shit on me enough yesterday with the car.

Today I went out to my car early to drive to school. I had parked in a different part of the parking lot, hoping to avoid getting another dent in the car. As usual I turned off the alarm, and just like yesterday it beeped four times rather than two. I walked around the car and didn't see anything wrong except maybe an indication that someone had opened their door into my passenger door - no dent, just a light scuff. So I got into the car. I got in and started up the car and noticed that there was all sorts of red clay dust on my windshield. In fact, some of it was really solid. I ran the wipers across it and the solid stuff didn't move. Thinking this was odd, I got out to look.

It ends up that the clay dust was from two halves of a brick that I had seen lying in the parking lot as I walked to my car. Someone had thrown a brick at my windshield, somehow managing not to bust it but leaving a scuff in the center of the glass so deep that the clay from the brick was embedded in the glass and won't come off no matter how hard I scrape or how much washer fluid I use.

Once again I was pissed off. Let's look at this objectively. Someone threw a brick at my car. No doubt about that, the evidence is quite clear. The car was too far from any buildings for some freak accident of a falling brick to account for things, and you don't just hit dead center on a front windshield by accident. No, this was intentional. I at first thought perhaps someone wanted to break in and then was scared off by the alarm, but realistically, no one would break the windshield if they wanted to break in - they would break a door window. Also, the portions of brick were both in positions that they couldn't have reached by bouncing off the windshield - someone had moved them away, maybe to keep me from realizing what had happened. If it had been some punk kids fucking around that were scared away by the alarm, they wouldn't have moved the bricks. So that meant that it had to be someone that knew it was my car and was trying to fuck with me.

This bothers and aggravates me. It also seriously depresses me. It's like no matter how hard I try to have a simple life, the world is determined to fuck me over. I have an idea who it might have been, too. I really hope I'm wrong, and there's no way to find out for sure, but it really bothers me and will upset me for a long time.

I actually put some serious thought today into moving to Bowling Green. I really don't know how I would afford it (the Collingwood Arts Center where I live is pretty inexpensive). I would save a lot in gas money not driving back and forth to Bowling Green for school every day if I lived there, and I would in many ways have a much more simplistic and satisfactory life style in a BG apartment. I just don't know if I could find something that I could afford on my budget. I also don't know if I could find something that wouldn't have annoyingly loud neighbors. I think I'll spend some time over Spring Break investigating the options, though. I'm just sick of a lot of the crap that I have to put up with living here, and the car is just the final straw. The biggest problem (assuming I could find something in my price range) would be that my current internet service doesn't have a local number in Bowling Green, so I would have to change service providers and get rid of the e.mail address I've had for over seven years (not the one I use on this site, though). Actually, I'm more bothered about having to look for a reputable new service than I am about giving up my old service. I guess I'll just have to see what I can find out over Spring Break.

Posted at 10:46 PM

March 5, 2001

Some ASSHOLE put a dent in the back of my car! I went out this morning to drive to school and turned off my alarm as usual, but the alarm beeped four times rather than twice, meaning something had set it off. Whenever this happens, I look around the car to see if everything is okay. Usually, nothing is wrong and it got set off by something simple like lightning or bird shit falling on it or someone bumping into it while walking by or something. No such luck today - there is a dent in my hatchback (I have a '95 Eagle Talon ESi) and the paint is chipped off around it. Fuckers.

It's bad enough that someone is such a fucking shitty driver that they would even hit my car when there was plenty of space around it, but it really pisses me off that the loser didn't even try to leave a note. Maybe I expect too much, but even if they didn't leave insurance information, they could have left a note saying they were sorry. It's not like they didn't notice - they had to have felt the impact to have made that much of a dent, and they had to have heard the car alarm (it's a bit loud).

I could report this to my insurance company, but they would just raise my rates. Besides, the repair cost would probably only be about as much as my deductible, so the insurance wouldn't even help at all. Now I have a dent in my car, and I really can't afford to get it fixed. Damnit, the car was in perfect shape before that. I was just thinking about how I could wash and wax it over Spring Break and how perfect it would look, and now I have this fucking dent and paint chippage.

And the sad thing is that this is just one of many such incidents. Granted, this is the first thing with this car, but I've only had this car for a little over a year. My '98 Dodge Dakota Club Cab that I had before this car was: hit on the passenger side while parked in my lot overnight (crushing the door completely), hit in the front while parked in my lot (leaving a huge dent in the front bumper), hit in the back while it was parked (dented and scraped the back bumper) (this was all in the lot of the apartment complex where I used to live, not too far from here), then it was broken into on two separate occasions while it was parked overnight in the back lot here at the Collingwood. Since then I have parked in the front lot, and I have had no problems until now - but I shouldn't have any fucking problems at all.

Do you realize I had five cars before these two and I didn't have any hit and run shit like this over all of the fourteen years I had them? Yes, my '89 Dodge Colt GT Turbo was broken into twice, but that's different - and heck, I had that car for five years in three states (including when I lived in Chicago).

I just fucking hate people. Damn it! Why does the world have to be full of such stupid pricks - and why do they all feel the need to fuck me over? This just really started my day off like shit. I'm still pretty mad, but now I'm just more depressed about it. I really hate having bad shit like this happen to me.

Posted at 11:12 PM

March 4, 2001

I have been debating whether I should cut back on the Journal entries and not make a new posting every day. I feel like I am struggling to find something to say a lot of these times, and I sadly find myself bemoaning my depressions or frustrations a bit too often. There are a lot of things from my past that I think it would be good for me to write about (both to clear my mind and to let others understand me better), but a lot of days I just don't feel like thinking through the memories and putting them down.

Unfortunately, I know from having Journals in the past (hard copy and off-line) that if I don't keep up daily entries I will find too many reasons not to spend the time to make a posting on any given day. I want to have at least some level of updates so that the site doesn't become stale, but I don't think I have the time right now to put up new Poems and Stories on a regular basis (which is what I would really prefer to do).

A decision will probably be made over Spring Break in a week, and I am leaning toward less frequent entries. I just want to feel that I am posting things that people will have some interest in reading, and some of my entries don't live up to that. Well, it's not like I have any real traffic anyway (or any traffic at all, for that matter), so maybe I'm just making excuses for not doing this every night. Even though that's true now, I hope to see some real traffic once I have the story going. Once I have a couple chapters up I intend to put postings up on various boards, join a couple of webrings, and add some meta tags to the ol' HTML to get more people to take a look at the Dreamworld. Not that I ever expect the site to be big-time, but I do actually want to get the concept of the Dreamworld out to some people. If I don't do that, what's the point of having this site in the first place?

Posted at 11:20 PM

March 3, 2001

Nathan stopped by tonight. He was quite wasted and I have continued to be depressed and tired. This was not a good combination. Nathan ended up annoying me and I'm sure I ended up boring or annoying him. He only stayed for about a half hour, and I imagine he might have stayed longer if I had been in a better mood.

For this Journal entry, I had hoped to have something cheery and interesting to say, but guess what? I don't. It's been another down day, and I really don't have anything pleasant to share. Sorry.

Posted at 11:32 PM

March 2, 2001

I got through my British Lit exam today. Things even went a bit better than I would have expected, but I'm still not sure how well I'll do. Exams that are all long essays can wind up with almost any kind of grade. School wasn't too bad other than that.

I have had a headache most of the day, however. It's one of those throbbing things that just won't go away. And I've been tired, too. Maybe I just need to catch a few extra hours sleep this weekend.

On top of all of this, I think Nathan is mad at me. Or he thinks I'm mad/not liking him. He's left messages the last two days when I'm not here (although I'm pretty sure he thought I was just screening calls (which I am notorious for)). Today he left a message saying he though 'someone' didn't care for him and that he was really hurt. I'm sure he means me. I feel really bad, but Nathan doesn't have a phone and is never at home, so I have no way to contact him. I also know from my last visit with Nathan, last weekend, that he is getting thrown out of his apartment, so I imagine the stress of that is weighing on him a bit.

Maybe it's all of these things together, but I feel really empty today. I guess I did yesterday, too, but I didn't really identify it outside of my overall depression. I feel like there's a big empty hole in my chest. A lot of times (like yesterday, in fact), I overeat because the full-to-busting feeling eclipses the pain of the empty hole. And then I also get sleepy from the food-coma, so I get away from the emptiness for a while. But I have to stop that. Overeating is a lot like alcoholism, I think. It's just a way to try to stop feeling your pain. The sad thing is that the pain is still there. Overeating just makes it worse because I gain wait and hate the way I look and feel.

So I don't know what to do. I have another week of classes before Spring Break, so I still have a lot to do with reading, papers, and one more big exam. After that I hope I can get myself better under control. We'll see. Hopefully a break from classes will help.

Posted at 10:49 PM

March 1, 2001

I can feel myself slipping. Slowly sliding down and down into some dark place.

The day started out okay. I finished the book for my Gay & Lesbian Lit course (another well-written but thoroughly depressing book), took care of some bills and stuff, had lunch, and went to class. During class, I felt pretty good for the first time in a long time, getting quite involved in class discussion and interacting with people.

But then I was already slipping as I left. I had to run some errands (got an oil change, checked for a watch I'm looking for, got some new wiper blades), then went back to the Collingwood. Once back, I took care of a few more little tasks, had some dinner, and settled in for the night.

The plan had been to study hard all night for my British Lit Exam tomorrow morning (which I know will be a bitch). But I was already dragging. - So, I decided to just read a couple new chapters from the stories I follow on the net. That just made things worse.

At this point, I have looked at the materials for the exam briefly. I don't know if more study time would make a difference, but it certainly wouldn't have hurt. But the bigger problem is that I'm really feeling pretty down now.

I just hope I can sleep it off a bit. The exam will be tough enough without having to reign in my emotions. Damn.

It shouldn't be this hard! I shouldn't have to put all of my energy into not crying! I shouldn't have to put everything I have into holding off insanity! Damn it! Why the fuck is this so hard?!

Posted at 10:49 PM