Well, I had intended to write about how I enjoyed the light rain dancing down on me this morning, but I'm just incredibly sad this evening and I can't. I know it's not rational, this emotional roller coaster that overtakes me, but it's just beyond my control. I try very hard to write an entry every day, but I'm just not up to it tonight. I'm sorry.

Posted at 10:01 PM

November 29, 2001

Dustin was absent from classes yesterday, and I missed him dearly. It's pretty sad, but I really get an emotional boost by seeing him during the week. In fact, I was really disappointed yesterday since there are so few days that I will see him yet this semester, and I don't have any guarantees that I'll ever see him again after that. I know what you're thinking - Why not just tell him how I feel and take a chance before all chance is completely gone? Well, I really should. But I'm honestly more terrified of the potential rejection than I am of even losing ever seeing him again. Maybe I should just try anyhow, but it's really difficult.

Dustin was at the poetry reading tonight, and he looked good. He seemed a little bedraggled (which is almost to be expected in the light rain that's been falling all day), and I wonder if he had a cold on Wednesday and that was why he wasn't in class. I didn't have much chance to really watch Dustin tonight, but he's just so beautiful. I wonder if he has any idea how incredible he is? He seems so perfect that it's hard to believe he's conceited or has any sort of ego problem, but how could he not notice how attractive he is?

<Sigh>

Maybe I should say something. I don't want to lose him forever. Even if I could only just see him now and again, I just don't want to lose him. Damn. This shouldn't be this hard.

Posted at 11:10 PM

November 28, 2001

So you're asking yourself, what the heck is he pissed off about today? Well slow down and give me a chance to tell you. Today the Supreme Court of this United States of America decided against the right to privacy of American citizens in school. The case had been brought to the court by a mother whose son has a learning disability. During class, the teacher would have the students grade each other's papers and then read the scores aloud for her to record. The son, as you have porbably already guessed, got poor scores constantly. Because of this, he was constantly teased by his fellow students aas stupid, and the mother insisted that this was an invasion of privacy and promoted undue confrontations and emotional torture. Well, I can't say I'm surprised, but the Supreme Court voted against her concerns. Even worse, they lambasted the mother, claiming that she was wasting the time of the high court with such unimportant issues.

Well, I for one think that upholding a Constitutional right, the right to privacy, is not a waste of time. Furthermore, I think that school children have as many or more rights robbed from them than prison inmates, and that is completely wrong. On top of all of that, the decision sets ugly precedents not simply for elementary school children, but for people in any educational situation regardless of age. How would some doctoral student like his bad grades read aloud regualrly to his peers? Would the court treat it the same way? You have to wonder.

The big concern I have is really the concern for children, and the Supreme Court seems to have none. We are in an age when schoolkids get so stressed out that they commit suicide because of feeling inadequate and bullied. Not only do they commit suicide, but they gather guns and explosives to kill the other kids and teachers that have tormented them. Personally, I don't condone the killings done at schools like Columbine, but I understand them, and I honestly feel more sorry for the kids that did the shooting than anyone else. They should not have felt that they were left with only that option for their lives. They should not have felt tortured. They should have felt like they had rights.

If the Supreme Court doesn't believe in supporting the rights of all Americans, then they had better be prepared for their sons and daughters to possibly be killed in their schools. It's just inevitible.

Posted at 11:01 PM

November 27, 2001

Okay, I'm pissed off again.

A recently completed study here in Toledo claims that 90% of the existing schools need to be rennovated or replaced, with a majority supposedly requiring complete replacement. The mayor, among others, was outraged at the suggestion that the many huge, austere, old schools should simply be abandoned for new facilities rather than fixing and upgrading them for a modern environment. I side with the mayor on this issue - these older school buildings are beautiful. They definitely need repairs and a lot of upgrades to be up-to-date and useful, but they are too marvelous to get rid of. It would be like saying Congress should make a new Capital building and move because it's too expensive to rennovate. Anyhow, this isn't what has aggravated me. This old vs. new building issue bothers me, but it will be a while before anything is really decided, so it isn't a big issue.

What has infuriated me is that today on the news, the solution for upgrading the schools is supposedly set to be funded by a local levy (which would pay for 1/4 of the improvements) and by the State (3/4 of the costs). The State would cover the costs from a portion of the recently received Big Tobacco settlement. The State has millions of dollars from the Tobacco companies to put into leveling all of the historic schools in Toledo and replacing them, but they have the gall to take over 70% of the budget away from higher education during just the last nine months (see the Journal entry for the 25th). What the fuck is wrong with the morons in Columbus? Do they not have a single brain cell to share among themselves?

Grrr...

The ineptitude of administrators and politicians never ceases to amaze (and disappoint) me.

Posted at 10:26 PM

November 26, 2001

Before I get into the topic for today, let me jump up and down and shout with joy - theDreamworld site counter has passed 500 in less than two months! Very cool.

Last night, I chatted for a while on Instant Messenger with Gabe, that super-creative teenager that runs TH380Y.net (see my Links pages). We chatted for quite a while and I was very excited by the new story he is working on. I won't spoil anything by sharing what he's playing with, but let me tell you that I think he has a real winner in the works. For being just 15 he amazes me. He has a tremendous amount of talent, a very mature attitude, and possibly more cynicism than even me (well, maybe not that much, but he does have an awful lot to go around).

I am always amazed how much I miss conversations with intelligent people who are fun to talk to. This was certainly the case with Gabe; it has been the case with Heather, Beth, Stacey, and everybody else that has gotten together the couple times after our Contemporary American Lit class; and it is something I desperately miss from my daily life. This is one of the few reasons I miss being a manager at Kinko's - having interesting people to talk with most every day. It is also certainly why I so desperately miss Simon, Chip, and even Erik and Dan, friends that were roommates with me in the distant past. Sure, I keep in touch with Chip, but it's not the same. Heck, even when I could get in touch with Simon and Erik it was a pale shadow of the conversations we used to have when we lived together. There are very interesting people here in the Arts Center (where I live), and I enjoy talking with them (particularly about their art), but most of them don't have a lot of depth of knowledge outside their field of art. It's disappointing sometimes. I just wish I had someone intelligent that I could talk to regularly. Mind you, Nathan is very intelligent and would be around more often if I asked him to, but he is so rarely coherent enough to share an understandable conversation that it voids the usefulness of his intelligence.

Damn, am I picky or what? I want happiness, intelligent conversation, and ... hmmm ... well, love and world peace, but I know better than to believe I'll ever see those things ... But heck, how much is it to ask for regular intelligent conversation? Not too much, I should think. Ugh. Talk to me, people; I need mental stimulation.

Posted at 11:09 PM

November 25, 2001

Today I learned that the state of Ohio has cut back funding for higher education again, this time by 58%. Last year during Spring Semester, the State recognized they were way over budget and also that they had to pump a lot of money into K-12 education because of a Federal Court order (Ohio has misappropriated Federal spending allocations on money intended for education and the K-12 system does not meet Federal standards). At that time, they cut the State's budgeted amount for higher education by 53%, a much larger cut than from any other part of the budget. Since the Ohio General Assembly realized that the state colleges and universities couldn't make ends meet without that money, they overturned a law that had tuition increases capped at 6% maximum per year. The new situation allows for unlimited tuition increases, and with the new school year starting this Fall, most state schools went up a minimum of 8% and some as high as 14%. Now, less than a year later (and still within the same budgeted year) the State has cut the higher education budget again - this time by 58% of the remaining budget (and again, this is the largest cut by far of any area in the State's budget). Now some colleges are even considering raising tuition during the school year - for next semester. My school, Bowling Green State University, has not taken a definitive stance, but they are clear that they will avoid raising tuition mid-year at all costs.

I expect that BGSU will hold to this resolution, but the tuition starting next year will likely increase by an ugly amount, and Financial Aid will almost surely be woefully unhelpful in filling the gap. For me, the tuition increase will mean an unquestionable increase in the amount of loans I have to take and a decease in the amount of money left for my cost of living after tuition and fees are covered. Considering how tight my cost-of-living expenses are now, this is likely to be a very big problem. I hesitate to worry about it until I know just what I'll be facing, but I'm angry about this whole situation. Even before this new budget cut, Ohio ranked 41st out of the 50 states in its funding and support of higher education. Now it will be at pretty much the bottom of the barrel. Not only does this suck for me personally, but it's just a horrible move for the state of Ohio that will have long-lasting negative repercussions on all of the people of the state.

Sometimes I wonder just what the hell to expect will go wrong next. Maybe it's best that I don't know.

Posted at 10:10 PM

November 24, 2001

Hey, look down at the Posting time for this Journal entry. Notice anything different? Well, it no longer says "Posted Written at". As of today, I will be returning to uploading the Journal entries as I write them daily. All the while I've been waiting for my new computer I've been writing entries and then posting them as possible, once or twice a week for the most part. Even though I've had the new computer for a while, I still have a lot of set-up work to do, and it won't really get done until Winter Break. Today, however, things are set up enough for me to produce and transmit new entries daily. It may be a small thing, but it's satisfying considering how long it has taken to get back to this point.

Along with this new Posting development, I have been welcomed into three more Web Rings, and they have been added to the WebRings section of the Links page. Further updates, additions, and new poems and stories are waiting. I know some things need updating, including links, and I have some clear ideas on new (although minor) additions, and I have a good number of new poems and stories to add (as well as needing to fix the glitch with character displays in a few of the stories). Once the semester is over and I get the chance to fix things, I expect the modifications to take very little time to complete. But it won't happen until the end of the semester.

In the meantime, enjoy what is available. And please - e.mail me or sign the Guestbook. I want to know who is making my hit counter crank along to having nearly 500 hits in the less than two months since the working counter has been running.

Posted at 12:13 AM

November 23, 2001

I've been reading some stories on Nifty again, and I read something that really hit home with me last night. The story was talking about a guy growing up that had lived in an unsupportive (sort of abusive) family during his childhood and that he had come to be reluctant of feeling happy. The idea, supported by some psychology, basically explained how, as a child, every time that something good would happen (like a fun neighborhood ball game or a memorable day at an amusement park or even a day of getting a good grade at school) - after that good thing happened it was immediately destroyed by yelling or beating or some sort of abuse from his mother or father, sometimes specifically belittling what had been good or fun and other times just being some random thing, but always bringing the happiness crashing down. That was completely my childhood. It made the following statements even more interesting. The story continued to say that this became an expected pattern, so much so that the guy never wanted to admit to doing well or having fun because he was afraid that it would be taken away or ruined. He wouldn't let anyone close because he was afraid to enjoy their company and have it ruined. He was afraid to do sports or outgoing activities for fear that he'd enjoy it and be told he sucked at it or abused for doing that when he should have been doing something else.

At face value it seems completely ridiculous that someone could think that way, but believe me when I tell you that that is exactly how you feel. I grew up that way, and I've never really put it behind me. I'm still afraid to admit that I'm having fun or enjoying someone or something or that I'm doing something well. I used to tell myself that I was just overly modest and somewhat introverted and self-deprecating, but I knew that didn't really completely explain it. This whole psychological explaination from this story completely puts things in perspective for me. That's not to say that I can just stop feeling that way just because I know where it's coming from, but I think it may well help me to cope with it better than I ever have before. I might even be able to work towards putting it behind me now that I understand it.

I see this as a major development for me. It gives me an understanding of some of the ways I'm sort of disfunctional. It pisses me off, too, because it just proves once again that I can specifically lay blame for my adult mental/emotional problems on the things my parents did to me as a kid. Fucking bastards. This is why I don't join the family for the holidays anymore.

Posted Written at 11:04 PM

November 22, 2001

Yeah, well happy fucking Thanksgiving to you, too.

It's not you - I just hate holidays. I feel empty and alone enough on an average day, and the holidays just emphasize that. Last night I felt wierd and a bit weepy, but I didn't think much about it. Today, however, has just sucked. I feel really low, and I really can't help but look at how empty my life is.

Life blows.

Posted Written at 8:40 PM

November 21, 2001

A package arrived for me today from Haroldine, my sister's mother-in-law. It's a box of mixed fruits - she sends one every Thanksgiving and Christmas (as well as sending other care packages occasionally and getting gifts for Christmas for me). She's a very nice woman with a good heart, and I appreciate her thoughtfulness immensely, but it bothers me to always compare something like this to the absence of similar things from my family.

Haroldine has been sending these mixed fruits (ordered through a fruit shipper) and sending them to me for three years now, and she had sent different care packages before that. My sister sent me care packages twice while I was in college, my grandmother once, and my parents have never sent care packages. Now my parents would defend themselves by saying that they offer vegetables from their garden and left-over portions of homemade green beans or beaqn soup, but that only comes maybe a couple of times a year, and that is specifically when I see them in a visit. Outside of that, no care packages.

And maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but things like this bother me. I never got care packages from my parents. I never got cookies baked for me. I never got an allowance. I never went anywhere on vacation with my family except to go to West Virginia and work on my grandmother's house and garden (my parents have travelled the world frequently since I moved out, however). My parents got cable for the tv the day after I left for college. Damn, am I bitter or what?

I realized all of this again on Monday when I was chatting with Heather and Chris. Like so many of the people I meet in college, they have both been to Europe and travelled around a fair amount. They've also been around the States fairly well. They had great, fun, varied family vacations all their lives. They grew up on cable. They all got allowances. It's like they're from different worlds. Part of me is jealous and part of me is angry. I'm just so pissed off that I had to go through such a fucked up childhood that has no relation to the childhoods of anyone I've ever met. Even people I know that had more abusive childhoods than I did even had more stuff than me in the way of fun stuff that they got out of being in their family. All I have to look back on is pain and suffering and fear. It's all just too fucked up.

And yes, I'm bitter about it. It's ridiculous, but I could have had a better life in an orphanage or a bad foster home than I did growing up the way I did. It's just wrong.

Posted Written at 11:54 PM

November 20, 2001

I am indeed losing my mind. Depression is sweeping over me again, and it's like I have no control over myself. Just when I think I have a grip on myself again I get all upset from just watching a commercial on tv. Yeah, that's pretty in control, huh? A fucking commercial makes me cry. I know that the holidays have something to do with this, just naturally being a time to get depressed every year. Isn't if fucked up that Thanksgiving and Christmas should be the inspiration for making thousands of people depressed and suicidal? It's just too ironic.

I've been tired and lethargic today, and I haven't gotten shit done as far as school projects. That's pretty bad considering how much I need to do before classes resume after the holiday break, but I have this constant dull pain behind my eyes and these waves of depression, and I just don't feel like doing anything but sleep. Maybe I should've just given in and slept, but I fought it most of the day because I have stayed guilty about not working on school stuff. Isn't that pathetic?

So tomorrow I have to really get a lot done. Joy. What a fun way to spend Thanksgiving vacation.

Posted Written at 11:35 PM

November 19, 2001

Today I got together at Big Boy after Phil's Contemporary American Lit class for "coffee." Of course I don't drink coffee, but they do (and they smoke) and we ate a little and talked and bitched and laughed and stuff. This time it was me, Heather, Chris (Heather's boyfriend - see the Journal entry from when we last goit together on the 7th), Beth, Zach, and this time Phil joined us. Stacey was supposed to come as well but never showed up (we think she has some wierd grudge against Zach and wouldn't be there if he was; is it just me, or is this incredibly childish behavior for a woman that's older than I am?). It was a fun time. Phil was extremely tired and just starting to get a cold of some sorts, but he seemed to enjoy himself and stayed for about two hours. We dwindled down to just me, Heather, and Chris by the end, and we only stayed until a little after 10:30 ourselves. By the time I got back and settled in after 11:30, I was already pretty worn out even though I still had stuff to do.

Zach was, as is proving usual, very funny and animated. I realized today that he has incredibly captivating blue eyes. I had noticed the color before (and Zach is very attractive all around), but I didn't realize until I was sitting across from him tonight how incredible his eyes are. And as usual, I'm pathetic. He's straight and would certainly never be interested in me, so why do I torture myself like this? (Dustin was incredibly beautiful today, too, by the way, but that's a whole other story).

Anyhow, I felt much more comfortable with everyone this time. I still feel somewhat like I don't fit in, but I felt so involved in the conversation and so interested in what was going on that I really felt like a part of it. It was fun, and I need more of that sort of comaraderie to pull me away from being afraid of everyone and everything in the world. Sometimes I need to just give in, forget everything else, and just try to be normal for a little while.

What a concept.

Posted Written at 1:37 AM

November 18, 2001

Okay, I'm pissed off at Microsoft again. Not that I ever really stop feeling this way, but they do tuff every once in a while that is just unforgivable (Oh, and we won't even get into what I think about their weaseling out of the anti-trust lawsuit without any realistic penalties or acknowledgement of their guilt).

About a year ago, Microsoft bought out a gaming company called Bungie. Bungie had created first-person shooter games, originally starting on the Mac with Castle Wolfenstein (following closely on the heels of the original DOOM's appearance on the PC), following up with the Marathon series, and then creating a powerful new campaign engine for the Myth series of games which were released for the Mac as well as the PC. When Microsoft bought Bungie, they were in the proces of developing new games Oní and Halo (as well as a Myth prequel). The Myth rights were sold off to another game developer (who released the new Myth prequel this month), Oní was released almost simultaneously for Mac and PC earlier this year after much speculation that Bungie would no longer support the Mac platform and might even drop support of the PC platform to be an exclusive developer of game station games. Well, specualtion continued even after that since the Oní code had already been pretty much finished. It was believed that Oní might be the last computer game to be released for the Mac and PC from Bungie. And now, after repeated denials to that effect, Bungie has released Halo "exclusively" for the X-Box, Microsoft's new game system.

Obviously Microsoft needs a lot of flash to sell the X-Box and get it to have a large following, and Halo definitely provides that flash. I don't begrudge Microsoft their right (and benefit) of using Halo to push the new system. However, when the game comes out and states on the packaging that it is available "exclusively" for the X-Box, it pisses me off. Over a year ago, even though Bungie expected to need a good deal more development time, Bungie still had a sort-of functional Mac version of Halo that they showed off along with lots of screen-shots and development ideas. That all appears to have been scrapped or at least dropped since Bungie now, in response to angry protests from the Mac community, claims that they "have not ruled out" developing Halo for the Mac, but it will take a great deal of development time if they decide to continue in that direction. They also adamantly state that they are not abandoning the Mac (or PC) platform, but they have spent absolutely no development time in more than a year on something that was already well underway, let alone on any other projects that will ever be seen on the Mac or PC. I miss Bungie because they set new standards and had cool games, but I could have lived with losing them to the Evil Empire - it's this lying, posturing propaganda of how supportive they are that aggravates me. If you aren't going to develop, fine - the Mac has a bunch of great game developers right now, and the Mac community can manage to lose new development from Bungie. If you are going to develop, then don't use words like "if" and "when" and maybe show somebody that you've done any development at all for the platform rather than just having somebody play the PR game.

It all comes back to my hatred of hypocrisy. Be upfront, and if you can't put up, then shut up. I'm sick of Bill Gates lying to people and trying to get them to believe how benevolent he is, but I'll be damned if I want to hear lies from Bungie, even if they are unavoidably tainted by the ways of the Evil Empire.

Posted Written at 9:32 PM

November 17, 2001

By the way, I'm a Nielsen family.

I started on Thursday, and continue 'til next Thursday, tracking everything I watch on tv. The Nielsen group has bunches of people across America do this, and then they tally up what people are watching to see what is the most/least popular. When they called I figured, "What the heck." So here I am jotting down my viewing habits.

I wonder if anyone looks at what an individual viewer watches. Mine specifically will seem odd, I'm sure. I watch various news shows, cartoons, movies, and crappy sit-coms. I mean, I cross three or four demographics as far as viewing habits, and I imagine that I watch more tv than the average guy my age ... well, except for sports. I watch no sports and the average guy watches who knows how many hours per week of sports. I don't even fit the gay guy demographic because I only occasionally watch "Will & Grace," "The Ellen Show," "Allie McBeal,or "Temptation Island" (or whatever 'typical' gay guys watch on non-cable tv). The fact that I'm 34 and watched a whole morning of Saturday morning cartoons today and then search for anything other than sports in the afternoon is surely way off the standard male viewing patterns.

But when have I ever even remotely fit into the standards or followed the norms? Never. That's why I'm so popular! (that was sarcasm, by the way ... you have to read it with the right emphasis). It's not that I want to be different, I just am. And a lot of times I wish I wasn't. Maybe if I fit the demographics things would be easier. Maybe I'd be happier. Maybe I'd actually appreciate being alive. Maybe.

But that's just not the way things are.

Posted Written at 9:03 PM

November 16, 2001

I have found computer geek heaven, and it exists at BGSU, my university.

Not only are the Macs not printing on campus now, but the PC's are prinitng irregularly as well (the common sign at most labs was "Print at your own risk"). As usual, I had a bunch of stories and papers to print for classes, so I was frustrated once again. The only place I had had any luck printing was in the graduate student labs, and almost all of them are accessible only with keys given to the grad students. The one grad lab that was open also had the problems that the Macs wouldn't print. I went on one last chance and searched for "The Cave Lab" that I had heard about a while ago in the Art building. It's not an open lab - it's supposed to be specifically for Graphic Design students, but I was desperate.

Oh, and was it beautiful. Silicon Graphics workstations and PowerMac G4 Towers, all relatively new and shiny, incredibly fast (blazingly fast compared to the crap in the average lab), and able to print without any problems. Oh so much cool technology. The power, the ease of use, the speed of execution. Well, let's just say that I don't ever expect to be spending time at any other lab while I'm an undergraduate (unless somebody kicks my ass out for not being a Graphic Design student). Oh, and did I mention ... the Cave Lab is open 24 hours? None of the labs are open 24 hours. This is just too kickass.

So needless to say, my day went much better today than the past few days have gone. I even got finished reading Leslie Marmon Silko's novel Ceremony so that I'm just slightly ahead of the game in one class. Now if I could just get ahead in some others ...

Posted Written at 10:05 PM

November 15, 2001

Grrrrr!!!

I could probably just cut-and-paste yesterday's entry and things would still be pretty accurate, but I won't. The reality is, however, that none of the computer labs at BGSU have a single Mac that will print. Over the whole campus. For three days. It has to be the most ridiculous thing in the world. Whatever it is, though, it's fucking me over and it' pissing me off. I have projects due (and needing to be printed) for three different classes tomorrow, and I still not only don't have prints but I have no idea how to get them. So I'm screwed.

And that has just been the icing on my great big mud pie. Things have just sucked more and more lately, and it's alternately pissing me off and depressing me. I just want it to stop. My life is shitty enough, thank you very much. How about giving me a break and picking on somebody else for a change?

Posted Written at 10:37 PM

November 14, 2001

This has been a sucky day. I could go on at length about everything that has happened all day, but let me point to the highlight of my day as an example.

I got up early today at 6 AM with plans to do some final revisions on a story that is due today and then print out the required six copies before classes started. I made good time and was at the computer lab before 8 AM, but the sign at the lab said that there was no printing. A few questions revealed that they were out of paper. Again. This has been a problem for me a number of times this semester. This computer lab, in the Off-Campus Student Center, is the only one open before 9 AM (other than the ones in the dorms that I can't access), so I was pretty much stuck. But I figured I could just make my revisions, save things, run back across campus to another lab when it opened at nine, print the six copies, and then run back to go to class. That's what I thought. I spent the time making revisions, and I was pretty pleased with the changes I came up with. I dashed to the Saddlemier Lab, fired up a Mac, and promptly found that the system wouldn't let me print. At first it seemed that this was because the lab tech hadn't turned on the printer (duh), but I still couldn't get it to work. While I screwed around with the system, the lab tech made a few caqlls and found out that Macs weren't printing anywhere on campus. The entire network was having a problem since early sometime yesterday. SUre, PC's could print fine, but Macs wouldn't print. Makes no sense at all. Anyhow, I ran out of time, ran to class, ran all over campus later between classes without success, and was able to go to a private graduate student lab with one of my professors at one point to get the prints (and even though I was late for the next class, at least I got the prints).

The whole printing thing pisses me off, because there are regularly these printing problems, often with just the Macs. And it never seems like anyone is even trying to solve the problem, so nothing works for a few days at a time. It's even more frustrating for me, who not only has to rush around early in the morning to get prints since I don't live on campus, but I have to work on everything from floppies even though I have a PowerBook (finally) that I should be able to simply connect to an ethernet cable and send prints straight to the printer (but something efficient like that would obviously be way too inconvenient for the university to put into place, even though I've complained about it since I came back to school two years ago).

But I'm not bitter. Just pissed off. And I want the printouts that my General Fees paid for, damnit!

Posted Written at 10:57 PM

November 13, 2001

Clotho is dead. My last remaining fish, the one that has outlived two other fish and four snails, finally gave up and took a swim to that big fish-tank in the sky. Losing another fish bums me out, and I wonder if I should try again. I don't want to see another pet die, but that's the risk you take when you get pets, particularly fish. I have a little while to think about it since I won't do anything until after the semester ends, but it is on my mind.

Of course a lot of things are on my mind, so I don't know how important a new fish is in comparison. My mind has been flashing from one thing to another, various memories and concerns and stories and plans flashing in and out, many time playing over and over but in short sequences that never come close to finishing - it's driving me slowly crazy, and this is what has been keeping me blocked from writing. It sucks. I just feel lost, and there's nobody to even talk to about this. Nobody gives a damn, and I'm not even sure how to make sense of it all.

It amazes me that I don't remember my dreams yet I have this constant barrage of memories and ideas during conscious hours. It's supposed to be the other way around. I just wonder how to get my subconscious to realize this.

Posted Written at 10:41 PM

November 12, 2001

The media sickens me. A plane crashes outside of New York and they suspend all other programming to devote half or more of the day to continuous coverage of the incident, connecting it to the terrorist atacks on September 11th without cause, showing traumatized people, promoting fear. It's just disgusting. I'm waiting for a local car crash to dominate the news and be blamed on some Islamic Jihad plot. Why not? Anything seems to be handy in promoting this culture of fear. It disgusts me.

Am I surprised? No. I wish I was. In fact, that's part of the problem. I just take all of this for granted anymore; I expect people to disappoint me in a certain way when any given thing happens, and they never fail to disappoint me. I wish people would surprise me and do the right thing, but even more I just wish I was too ignorant (or too innocent) to know exactly what to expect. It would be much better if the world didn't fit my cynical vision.

So that brings me to my overall world-view: the human race deserves to exterminate itself. Sad, to be sure, but undeniably true. And it's not even the fact that they deserve it - they seem anxious to accomplish it. The masses move as fast as they can toward destroying themselves and each other, and they rejoice when they succeed in destroying each other. Good for you, morons! Go fucking kill yourselves and maybe, just maybe, actually leave the world for the meek to inherit. Lucky them; What the hell will be left by that time, anyhow?

Posted Written at 10:30 PM

November 11, 2001

I'm having trouble doing schoolwork this weekend. Instead, I'm finding myself rather depressed and frustrated. I keep playing over a bunch of events from during the week, things that were just minor comments or actions in the midst of otherwise rather enjoyable moments. But they just keep haunting me, making me feel inadeqate.

During the coffee get-together on Wednesday night, Zach commented that he was annoyed when people didn't care for their hair (this was part of a commentary on fashion) but went on to say that all of our hair was okay, "even Paul's." Well isn't that nice. Also during that evening I just felt out of place. I enjoyed myself and wish I could do more of that sort of thing, but I felt like I was some sort of poser hanging out with Satcey (who's a bit older than me but not much) and five other people who are all under 21. What the hell do they want to do with a guy nearly twice their age who's overweight, depressed, and doesn't smoke, drink, or do pot like they all do. Oh, and I also have no hope left, while they do. Zach, for instance, is quite adamant that he will be a millionaire by the time he's 25 (this was in response to my comment that most college students think the world is in the palm of their hands and they will be making their first million by age 21).

I also embarrased myself more tha n a few times by ogling the guys in the hot tub. Strange as it may seem, the BGSU Men's Chorus does a Hot-tub-a-thon every semester where a hot-tub is set up on campus, outside, and one to three Chorus members at a time sit in the tub in a continuous sit-in for three days, all exposed to every student that passes by on their way from building to building to various classes. A bunch of the guys are handsome but don't do much for me, but a few are just incredibly beatuiful, and they are naked and wet from the waist up. Mmmm... But like I said, I probably embarrassed myself, and I'm slightly ashamed. And depressed - am I desperate or what?

Lastly, on Friday we had a workshop in Poetry class on our latest poems. Usually our workshop partners are assigned so that we interact with different people, but this time Amanda, out prof, let us pick our own groups. Groups were to be composed of four people. Brian and Sally, sitting right next to me, asked me if I wanted to work with them and I said yes. Dustin was sitting to my right, and I had just about worked up the courage to ask him to join our group when someone else asked to join. A moment later, Dustin was asked if he wanted to join some others just to his other side, and he said "yeah, that's okay" in what seemed like a less-than-enthusiastic voice. I was disappointed that Dustin hadn't been in my group (I've been hoping he'd be in my group each time they've been assigned all semester), but then the way he said that just really upset me, like he had been let down, too. The logical part of my brain keeps telling me that I'm putting more into his tone than was really there and assuming things that just aren't so, but emotionally I can't help but wondering if he had hoped I'd ask him to join our group. That would probably be too much for me to hope for, but the whole hing still depresses me.

And it's just gone downhill from there. All sorts of memories keep flooding in, and I just feel worthless and alone (probably because I'm worthless and alone). It just sucks. But that's life. Ain't it grand? : (

Posted Written at 8:05 PM

November 10, 2001

Nothing. There is nothing here. Nothing in this fucking miserable world; nothing in my lonely, pathetic life; nothing in all eternity to make any of this worthwhile.

I can't stand this. This loneliness, emptiness. I just can't bear it. I'd rather be racked with pain - at least then I would have only that on my mind. I'd give anything to just blot out all of my thoughts. Or just to end them. End it all. What's the point in all of it anyway? I don't have anything waiting for me; nothing to hope for. Why keep going through this pain?

Make it all end. Let me end.

Posted Written at 9:25 PM

November 9, 2001

I hate myself. I hate how life has played out, and I'm tired of having nothing to hope for anymore. I just want to forget everything and disappear. <sigh>

Posted Written at 9:28 PM

November 8, 2001

Christiana is mad at me ... again. Maybe I am an asshole, because I not only don't care that she's mad, but I'm sick of it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that she misses seeing me as much as she did over the summer and all, but she wants me to sacrifice my schoolwork by blowing off classes or screwing around when I should be writing a paper. The only stability I have in my life right now is school, and the courseload this semester is keeping me quite busy. I had even told her as much before the semester started, but I am some sort of villain because now, nine weeks into the semester, I'm busy. Keep in mind, too, that I should not only drop my own schoolwork, but I am expected to do so when it doesn't conflict with her schoolwork. It seems that it's alright to expect me to blow something off, but it's only okay for her to blow something off if she had already planned it that way.

It's just this hypocrisy that pisses me off. I hate that shit. It's enough that she has this selfish approach regarding how I run my life, but then she won't even make any compromises on her own part. Worse than that, she wants me to do these things that are big, costly events in the middle of tons of people. I've told her that I haven't been dealing well with people and she wants me to go to the Detroit Opera. Sure. That's not many people crammed together like sardines all for a large price and at a cost of half a day in driving time and such.

So now she's doing her "I'm too good to talk to you because you're unworthy of me" routine. I'm expected to come begging her to forgive me for being such a lout because everything is always supposed to be my fault. Well, guess what? I'm not the person in the wrong here, and I'll be damned if I apologize for shit. Hell, she'll be lucky if I'm will to forgive her for doing this shit to me again. I am just sick of it.

But don't get the wrong idea; I'm not bitter. Nya.

Posted Written at 11:32 PM

November 7, 2001

After Phil's Contemporary American Lit. class today, a bunch of us gathered at Big Boy to talk (and drink coffee and smoke for most of the folks). Phil couldn't make it, unfortunately, but Stacey, me, Sarah, Beth, Zach, Heather, and Chris (Heather's new boyfriend) got together and mostly stayed as a group until just before midnight when we decided the last of us would go home. The conversations we usually have in class or just after class extended well into the new setting, and we each found out a lot more about each other. Best of all, we got away from talking about class-specific topics and talked about ourselves, told anecdotes, and laughed (and in some cases smoked and drank coffee like it was the last day on earth).

It was a fun time. It makes me miss the old get togethers with the Network, and it gets me pissed off that everybody bailed on me when I needed them most. I thrive on socializing and companionship, and it's a miracle that I've survived alone for so long. I need more of nights like this, and I hope we'll have more of the same in the future.

Heather reminded me even more of Simon tonight. I sat across from her most of the evening, and being able to watch her mannerisms and see her facial expressions was just spooky. It's hard to believe how many things she does just like Simon did. Her new boyfriend, Chris, is a bit more quiet than I expected, but I like him. He seems really cool, laid back, and he's quite good looking (not my style, but he is indeed attractive). I'm happy for Heather. She's a great person and she deserves someone that makes her happy. I just wonder why she's so sad and depressed at times - she has a boyfriend, does quite well in classes, has a bunch of friends, is very intelligent, and very pretty. What could leave you depressed? But I guess I should know better; the biggest things that cause depression are deep inside and usually have lasting ties to the past.

In any case, it was a good change of pace tonight. Quite a good change.

Posted Written at 1:00 AM

November 6, 2001

My new Powerbook is now covered specifically in by a separate addition to my insurance, so I'm covered once again in case someone manages to steal this one from me. It's certainly nothing I expect or want to see, but I've learned it's better to be safe than sorry in cases like this.

Big news today is the results of Election Day. A lot of big races and issues were to be decided here in Toledo (not that anyone outside of the city probably cares), and I have been interested in the way things go. The big election has been for a new mayor, and so far Jack Ford is ahead by 2 to 1, and Ford would be the first black mayor in the city's history (and I have personally favored him far above the opponent, even though both candidates are Democrats). Final results won't be tallied until tomorrow, but what has been put together so far is quite interesting.

Most of my day has been spend writing a story and writing a poem, along with critiquing a few different stories for workshops in a couple different classes tomorrow. Other than that, I have just relaxed with "the Simpson's" Halloween Special XII and the premier of "24," the big FOX series with Keifer Sutherland. Both were excellent, and it was great to be able to just sit back and relax with something good to watch.

Also, having mentioned good things to watch, the ads for "Harry Potter" look great, but I saw the first tv ad for "The Lord of the Rings" and it looks even better than anything I could have imagined. And I learned yesterday that the trailer for "Star Wars: Episode II" is ready for viewing at Apple's Quicktime movie page. It's shaping up to be a great time to go to the movies for the first time in quite a while.

It's good to actually get something out of watching tv.

Posted Written at 10:11 PM

November 5, 2001

It took a lot of starting and restarting and even more rethinking, but I cam up with an idea for a story that I like. It's about a gay kid that's abused by his parents, and he indirectly gets saved by a little boy of six. It's coming together well but still will take a bit to finish. It will be fairly long when I'm done, and I'm getting more and more pleased with it as I go.

All the work on this story, on top of having gotten up at 5:30 AM to revise my Critical Paper and a few other things, has left me pretty much wiped, and I'm really doing everything I can just to stay awake. I hope I don't have a lot of days quite like this - too much to do in too little time and with too little sleep. Ugh.

<zzzzzzz>

Well, I'm zoning, so that's it for now.

Posted Written at 11:49 PM

November 4, 2001

I've had this big-time writer's block. I just can't think of anything to write. Well ... that's not it exactly. I can think of some things to write but they really aren't stories, just scenes, memories. And what I really want to write, the stuff for Hope, Need & Fear that keeps running through my mind, I can't because I need complete short stories. Some ideas I have are just too big, too - like ideas for novels, but they're just too much to try to make into a short story, and believe me, I have tried.

I ended up coming up with a pretty decent short, short story for the character sketch I need for tomorrow. It's pretty dark and sad, but that's just how it is. The story for Imaginative Writing is actually a revised form of the Teaser chapter for Hope, Need & Fear. This way I'll get more feedback from a workshop so that I can make some final adjustments. I think that's going to stand as Chapter One once the final adjustments are made (I had originally thought it would actually be Chapter Two or possibly even Chapter Three, but I've reconsidered how to develop things).

Anyhow, the one other story I need, for Creative Writing Workshop (and due tomorrow), has just not been coming. No idea has come together, and what I've started writing actually is good, but I just don't feel like I have a clear direction I'm heading. And I definitely don't have any idea how I will be able to wrap it up. I have just over four pages now, and I need 12-20 for in class. That may be a stretch. Right now, I just don't know how to work with it. That sucks a lot, because I don't really have much time to work on it. I won't get anything else done on it this late in the evening (I don't get much done this late at night unless I'm really in a groove with what I'm writing). I'm getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning to head to the computer labs early, but I don't think I'll have much time to really do much more before class starts. I don't know what to do.

But we'll just have to see how things play out tomorrow. As it is, I've gotten a lot more accomplished this weekend than I thought I would. Not as much as I needed to, but more than I thought I would. And that's something at least, right?

Posted Written at 10:19 PM

November 3, 2001

Okay, so I played with the new computer a bit last night ... and this morning ... but I would have just been winding down or waking up otherwise - really! Anyhow, all I can say is - Wow. It is just so cool. And I want (and need) so much time to adequately play with it and install stuff and learn the new Mac OS (X) ... I really don't have a lot of choice but to wait to really set things up. However - I do plan to set up internet connections so I can surf and post the site from my own rooms. And I'll probably install Word so that I can type my papers on the new toy. But real setup is just going to have to wait.

Actually I spent most of my day reading Beloved. I got a small start yesterday, but it took a number of hours of sequestered reading time to get it finished. I still have the character story and one long short story to finish tomorrow, and then I'll be up to speed with what I need for school on Monday. Ugh. It's just never-ending, isn't it.

Oh, and my mother <grrr> called yesterday to try to make me feel like shit. It's amazing how successful she is at this. Of course she has a lifetime of practice - my lifetime. I'm thinking of disconnecting the phone line she knows about and just keeping my other unlisted number to myself - just disappear from her life and have some peace. But <sigh> that would be wrong, so I won't. I should just lay reality at her feet, but I just don't have it in me to be that cruel to anyone. She really just has no idea who I am or what I've gone through. Hell, she still worships the man who beat me and sexually abused me (my father), and still tries to get me to speak to him. Sure, it's fine to support his feelings, but I can just get fucked. What do my feelings count for anyhow? .... And that's why I should just cut her out of my life ...

On a happier note, I have this clear vision of Dustin in my head that I just keep seeing all of the time now. I actually bumped him yesterday - completely by accident, but it just sent a wave of heat through me. <blush> Cheap thrills, I know, but what can I say? We said a few things back and forth. That was nice. But I just stared at him most of the class. I just wanted so much to look at him without trying to hide it. And I so wanted to just softly rub his back. He's so wonderful. In fact, he's much better than my Powerbook. Much better. I just wish he was here, too.

Posted Written at 10:46 PM

November 2, 2001

WooHoo!!! (as Homer Simpson would say)

My shiny, new, ultra-spiffy Titanium Powerbook G4 arrived today and it is sweet as hell! Lightweight, thin, a huge 15.1" screen, incredibly fast loading and operating speeds, and lots of cool looking, tweaky stuff! I'm in geek heaven!

So I'm spending this weekend playing with my new toy and installing stuff and all, right? Oh how I wish that were the case. Sadly, I can't. I have too much to do for classes that will be due first thing Monday. I have already read the two short stories, four short-short stories (and made the response to them that is required), read the textbook chapter, and I've begun reading the novel Beloved. I have to finish that novel, right a short story that's a character sketch, write two other longer short stories for different classes, and write a "hostile" poem (a poem that expresses anger or frustration with someone or something (not my normal style)). All of that must be done Monday morning, and I'm already thinking it will be difficult even if I didn't have the Powerbook just begging me to play with it.

My hope is to get things wrapped up for school and then spend Monday night and/or parts of Tuesday playing with the new laptop. I want it set up so that I can surf the net, make daily updates to the website, and do all of the stuff I've been dying to do for a while without having to go to a computer lab or struggle through less-than-favorable situations. So hopefully I can come out and play on Tuesday ... and hopefully I can stand to wait.

But even if I can't play right now, I'm still jazzed to have the PBG4 here. I can't express how cool it is to have a new laptop finally. And it is sooo incredibly amazing. Beautiful and powerful in a sleek, smooth package.

Mmmm .... splendiferous!

Posted Written at 10:25 PM

November 1, 2001

Today has been a crazy day of working on my latest critical paper for my Contemporary American Literature class. The subject, a complicated look at a modern novel through a lens of Postmodern theory, took a while to grapple with, but things came together rather well once I got going. The problem, ironically, has not been coming up with a substantial enough argument to support my ideas, but is instead trying to whittle down what I've got. The paper is supposed to be no longer than six pages. I could easily have done twelve, and as it was I have been working on reducing the paper from about nine pages. At this point, I am down to about six-and-a-half pages, and I have no idea where to cut something else out. But it's close, so that is encouraging.

Unfortunately, my day-long work on this project (on top of most of yesterday and some of Tuesday) has kept me from writing a short story that I should have ready for tomorrow. I should be able to get away with turning the story in on Monday since it isn't due to be workshopped until next Friday, but it is still aggravating to not have the story done. This will be the first project for any class that has been late this semester. Grrr...

Keeping up with all of my schoolwork has been very difficult this semester. I would like to have a break to look forward to, but it appears that the only break ahead is once the semester is actually over. Even the week off for Thanksgiving will be a busy time with reading Anna Karenina (one of Tolstoy's huge novels), writing about a half dozen new poems for various classes, reading a bunch of short stories and essays, reading Leslie Marmon Silko's novel Ceremony, and revising every poem and story from the course of this whole semester in preparation for turning in my completed portfolios in the two weeks following the return from Thanksgiving break. Oh, fun!

Well, at least I am getting straight A's so far. It's a small comfort.

Posted Written at 11:14 PM