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March 2002

 

March 31, 2002

Although this site, theDreamworld, was started in mid-January of 2001, it had its real start on the 1st of October. In October I unveiled the new site, complete with its own domain, a redesign that smoothed out a bunch of flaws from the original layout, and the first actual working hit counter that I had had after four failed counter systems from lame-o services. I also had everything hosted through DreamHost, giving me better prices, better bandwidth, and a whole list of free services including tracked statistics.

Today marks six months of success. I'm still here, I have lots of new ideas (even if I haven't had time to put new stuff together yet), and I have a level of success that surprises and pleases me. As of today the site has had nearly 1800 unique visitors over these last six months. That's an average of about 300 new people per month. A lot of people seem to come back as well. Since October 1st, a total of 13,500 visits have been recorded with an average of 90 per day. I'm impressed; I'm pleased; and I'm humbled.

From the looks of things, more and more people are finding the site through one or another of the webrings I belong to or through the recommendations I have from Gabe at Lonely Ocean (formerly TH380Y.net) and Nick at Archerland. In fact the largest number of new visitors are coming from links at those two sites. It makes me think that I should be more open with meeting other authors on the net and seeing if they'll add me to their Links pages. In a way I'm anxious to do things like that because I like knowing that new people are linking to my site, but part of me wants to be modest and just be satisfied that I have people coming here without going out of my way to advertise theDreamworld.

All things considered, this is a very pleasing way to wind up these six months of tracking things. I'm thrilled with where things are going, and I am anxious to be pumping out a bunch of stand-alone stories and chapters of Hope, Need & Fear during the summer. My only disappointment today is that I didn't get in another site revision in the past few weeks. I had hope to update and expand things (and I know what I wanted to do ... I just didn't get to it). School stuff and other demands kept me from spending the time on the site that I would have liked. Granted, playing Baldur's Gate and Escape Velocity Nova could have been postponed to work on the site, but I honestly feel like the mindless entertainment was good for keeping me sane while facing the other stresses in my life. So in a lame way I'm apologizing for not updating and expanding the site recently. It will definitely happen, but probably not for a while (and maybe not even until this semester of college ends in early May). Until then I'll still have daily Journal updates and I'll be storing new ideas in the back of my head for when I get around to redesigning things. It should actually be worth waiting for the redesign because I plan to really make things different and better. And regardless of the aesthetic and technical updates, the added poetry and stories should definitely be worth waiting for. My original idea for Hope, Need & Fear has changed quite a bit, but I think everyone will be tremendously pleased with the next three chapters, all of which I have pretty clear ideas for (it's just that I have to sit down and type everything up without the demands of schoolwork drawing me away).

So keep coming back. I know the Journal can sometimes be a bit bland (or depressing), but in a couple of months the Journal will completely fade in importance as new stories get posted. I'm actually really excited about it. I hope you are, too.

Posted at 7:20 PM

 

March 30, 2002

Four hours. Four fucking hours. I spent four hours (not counting the hour and a half spent driving) to get together with two of the four other people from my group project for our Linguistics class. Four hours, and it still needs more to be ready. And we had even met last week and put some things together. All that time, things aren't complete, and only half of the group showed up. And people wonder why I hate doing group-work in my college classes.

For as much frustration as I'm getting from putting together this group project I am at least pleased with how things are coming together. The presentation should be easy to follow, and the activity for the class should be incredibly funny and involving. The paper that we have to put together along with the rest of this worries me a bit considering there's still a lot to do, but that will hopefully come together as well.

The presentation for this group project is on Thursday. The same class has an exam scheduled for Tuesday and two short papers due by Thursday as well. That class alone would make for a week from hell even if I didn't have work for other classes to do, and I'm not particularly excited about it. The only good thing I can think about this week is that when it's over I won't have to do those things again. That's not much of a consolation, though.

This distaste I have for this project is a long-standing problem with group-work, but it's also indicative of my whole feeling of malaise toward school. I really just want to have this semester over with so I can have the summer to relax, do some writing, and try to do some very deep thinking. I need a break from school this summer. Something is just very oppressive in the air around me, and it needs to be dealt with, but with constant obligations for school I can't focus my attention clearly to the issue, so it just continues to exist and seems in fact to grow larger.

Another month and a half and the semester will indeed be over. Then I can get to my own stuff. And maybe then I can get my head on straight. Or try, anyhow. It'd be a nice change.

Posted at 11:55 PM

 

March 29, 2002

I need a boyfriend, damnit!

I'm not even depressed about it today. I just want somebody to share my life with, somebody to give me a reason to do stuff and look to the future. As it is right now, college is all I've really got, and it's not as though I see getting my degrees as ultimately important, even. Let's face it, just having a writing degree doesn't mean I'll get published, and just having a literature degree doesn't mean I'll get a job as a professor. In fact, even the MFA and PhD, once I have them, won't really get me those things. The published book is partly luck, partly effort; and the professor job is not much different considering how hard it is to get college-level teaching positions in any of the arts and specifically in English. So my point is that even though college is my focus right now it's not for any good reason, just because I don't have anything else worth doing.

I wish I did have something more to work for. A boyfriend would be a big step in the right direction. I'm lonely. I need to change that, and soon, before I lose my mind or simply become numb to life in general. Eventually I'm afraid I'm going to become bitter or completely emotionless. Neither option is particularly appealing.

So my Easter wish (if there is such a thing) will be to find a boyfriend. And soon. It would sure beat hunting for eggs.

Posted at 10:53 PM

 

March 28, 2002

I've actually extended a bit of trust to others for the first time in quite a very long time. I went to 'the Boy' for the Thursday night 'coffee' get-together, and I found myself telling the story of how I became a felon. Not the short version to be sure, and also not the long version, but enough to span well over three hours. I related my tale to Heather, Beth, Manny, and Missy with Sarah and Chris hearing most of it after a quick background on what they missed. It didn't occur to me consciously at the time, but I extended a great deal of trust in telling that story. Not only did I open up to still-fairly new friends, but I opened up to a whole group of them at once and was only moderately self-conscious as I explained things. Yes, I was slightly embarrassed at times, and yes, I kept things toned down a bit and left out a few more disturbing aspects of that part of my life, but I told a very serious, almost secret part of my life to people that I want to trust but fear giving my trust to.

It was actually somewhat cathartic to discuss this stuff. It's been a long time since I've told anyone or had anybody to talk to about it, and it actually helped. I remember the first few years after everything happened, when I had talked to just about nobody about all of the things that had happened, that talking about it was really difficult and very upsetting. I've come a long way from that point, and that's a great step forward, but I could still see from tonight's telling that I'm still not completely comfortable dealing with those events. Talking about it makes it better, though. It really does.

Outside of that little story from my life, we talked about all sorts of things, and it was really a good evening for conversation. I got there around 9 PM and stayed until after 3 AM. I'm a little tired right now, but it was worth it. I could do this all the time if everyone were willing. In fact, Heather made a point of telling me that she'd really enjoy getting together to talk on other nights of the week beyond Thursdays if I wanted to some time. And she was quite sincere. That means a lot to me, and I may well take her up on it.

I also got the applications for the Arts Center to Heather and Chris, and they seem pretty solid on the idea of living here at the Arts Center over the summer. That also would be way cool. Until then I'll keep looking forward to Thursday nights and maybe visits at other times. It'll be cool one way or the other, and I'll definitely be sure to be there.

Posted at 3:52 AM

 

March 27, 2002

I'm watching the premiere of Greg the Bunny. So far it's pretty cute, but I expect that it's going to get really outrageous and gut-busting after only a couple of episodes. It has a lot of the energy that FOX managed with the early parts of Married with Children and Unhappily Ever After. I don't know what the hell Seth Green was thinking when he got this haircut, but he's got a cool character (even if it's the same sort of character he almost always plays). Eugene Levy has never really worked for me, even back SCTV, but I think he may fit into this role alright. The key is how far FOX pushes the sensors. The most awesome things about the best FOX shows has always been a result of pushing the limits of what the broadcast sensors would allow to be shown on TV. Not that the show needs to be vulgar or racy to succeed, but it needs to push the limits of normal TV. if it's going to be different and funny.

While I'm on the subject of amusing FOX TV. shows, I should mention that I've liked Andy Richter Controls the Universe in each of its first few episodes, but I don't think it will survive. The concept is somewhat fresh and funny, but once the newness of the show wears off I think it will start to seem sort of dumb. We'll see. Maybe the writers can adapt it so that doesn't happen, but I doubt it. The sad thing is that FOX has a reputation for scrapping good shows prematurely without trying to make adjustments to bring up the ratings. Family Guy is a perfect example. It was a great show, although probably too cynical for the average viewer, but it never had a chance because FOX bounced it around from night to night, rarely having it on two weeks in a row on the same night. That's a shame, too, because it was really good.

Also good is 24, the Keifer Sutherland action/drama that will only exist for this one season, having a clear-cut story with only twenty-four episodes. I've written about this show before, and my high opinion has not diminished. The show is well-written, well-acted, and well-produced. I've always liked Keifer Sutherland, but this may be the best serious role I've ever seen him do. It's a great treat most Tuesday nights (I say most since FOX does it's screwy habit of preempting shows on a willy-nilly basis for everything, even a show with great ratings like 24 or The Simpsons. In my opinion the reason that a lot of their shows fail is that viewers just get too frustrated trying to figure out if and when their favorite program will be shown in any given week. I know that I, personally, find their scheduling incredibly annoying.

But then again I'm very particular about what I'll watch on TV. I would rather just go without watching anything at all rather than put up with something crappy. Amazingly, FOX manages to hit both ends of the spectrum with no middle-ground. I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Posted at 10:18 PM

 

March 26, 2002

The weather has been crazy today, and driving to school and back was quite an experience. However, since I've already spent the past two days talking about the weather I'll spare you the lame-ass Journal entry that could potentially follow here about ice storms, Winter Storm Advisory Levels, and a greedy school that jeopardizes the lives of its students by continuing to hold classes when people aren't even supposed to be driving on the roads.

Instead, I'm going to relate a very pleasing revelation from earlier today. During my first class today we talked about a book by M.E. Kerr called Deliver Us from Evie. The book tells the story of a farm family whose daughter, Evie, is a lesbian who finally finds a reason to come out when she finds someone she loves. The book looks at the reactions of family, friends, and the community to the news which leaks out to different people as Evie is outed in various ways. The book itself is good in the way it portrays Evie as just an average member of the family who, like everybody else, has her triumphs and troubles. Sadly the book overall is a bit bland, but I like what the author was trying to accomplish.

Anyhow, we read this book, and my professor wanted us to do this written exercise. The exercise makes you imagine that you are living in a world where homosexuality is the norm and 10% of the population is heterosexual. The exercise then asks you to respond to various situations where you, as a minority heterosexual, need to be concerned about who knows you're gay: how do you your boss's inquiries about your spouse; what do you do when a company party comes up and you're expected to bring your spouse; what do you do when your spouse is dying but their parents won't let you into the hospital room because they don't approve of your "lifestyle." That sort of thing. So anyhow, I respond to all of this, and then the final question is to explain how you felt answering the questions and what sort of things you thought about. I explained that the responses were pretty straightforward to me because I had had to already face those situations or (in the case of the dying spouse issue) thought about the situation. I said very simply that I was gay and have faced discrimination in a variety of ways before, but I was clear in all of my answers that I would always do as I have always done - tell the truth, regardless of how directly open or forthcoming I might want to be in touchy situations.

So we discussed things some more and then left. The next class I had, after a two hour break, was held by the same professor. She was handing back graded quizzes that we had taken the previous week. She had added a short note to mine, saying that she had just read my response to the written exercise from the previous class and she was pleased that I was so open with her. She ended the brief note stating that, "It's nice to know I'm not the only one in the class." To some extent I suppose that I shouldn't make a big deal of it, but it's just so cool to me that one of my favorite professors is gay. That makes three female professors that I've had who I know for sure are gay, and it's comforting because I don't have the same kind of respect for them that I do for this professor. Maybe I'm weird, but it just feels more comforting somehow to have more gay people around me. I haven't really had that since I left Chicago, and it's nice. Really nice.

Posted at 9:35 PM

 

March 25, 2002

I believe I may have angered Mother Nature with my comments yesterday. While I still don't think the snow/rain was much to speak of, the weather changed for the worse as late evening progressed. By the time I awoke today, the snow was actually not melting away and was both blowing around and sticking to the ground. It's not a whole lot of snow, but apparently it's enough to make the roads really slick. Along with that, the wind is pretty fierce, whipping the snow around for a blinding effect and also chilling things such that the melting snow on the roads has turned to ice. The people on the roads today would well be in their rights to drive as slow and cautiously as they were yesterday (although it appears that they haven't, for the most part, as there have been all sorts of accidents today). The weather is so bad that Bowling Green State University, my college, has canceled the evening classes tonight.

For BGSU to cancel any classes is amazing. Granted, they had classes all day today, just not in the evening, but BG rarely cancels classes. In fact, I barely was able to walk through the snowdrifts to school one semester when I lived in Bowling Green. There would have been no way at all to have driven anywhere, and I had serious trouble as it was with just traveling on foot. Classes will still probably go forward tomorrow and I'll likely have less-than-perfect roads to travel on the way there. But really, I've traveled some pretty ugly winter-worsened roads, and things will have to get much worse to be anywhere close to that. And besides, I've gotten off quite light this winter since there's been so little snow or frozen roads with the freakishly above-normal temperatures.

Even after a mild winter, I'm still anxious for spring. Come on, Mother Nature; lighten up.

Posted at 7:55 PM

 

March 24, 2002

The weather today has been shifting back and forth between snow and rain with the temperature fairly comfortable at just above freezing. The weather itself is actually almost nice. It seems very spring-like, and that's really quite pleasant even after the mild winter we've had. What has been bothersome has been anyone who has been driving today.

I had to drive down to Bowling Green to meet with yet another group of classmates to organize yet another group project, this one for a presentation about Register in my Linguistics class. The fools on the road were driving like frightened old ladies when there was really no worries about traction or anything. They'd drive slow, drive in packs, get into the fast lane and then slow down ... ughhh!! It was aggravating. More than aggravating, it made me late for my meeting.

Being late wasn't really a problem, it just pissed me off because there was no good reason for it. People just don't know how to drive, that's all. I mean, if it had been actual sticking snow or freezing rain or something where the roads would have been slippery, or if there had been some wind blowing the cars around - then I could understand driving slow (although I still wouldn't understand driving in packs or slowing down after swerving into the fast lane). But the road was quite easy to drive. No slick areas, no standing water, and no wind.

So, okay, I'm a little irritable. A little road rage. What can I say? I really love to drive, but I have no tolerance for idiots, and it doesn't matter if that means idiots in a class or a restaurant that are near me or idiots that have no business driving on a public road. Damn idiots. Why don't they just take the bus?

Anyhow, the day has been pretty okay outside of that. Only two of the four other people in my group showed up at school, but we still got a solid plan for how to handle our presentation, and we all (at least the three of us that were there) will be preparing parts of the presentation individually so that we can start to put something solid together when we next get together (after class on Tuesday). Hopefully the we can get the two girls who didn't show up to make an effort to get something done and pull their own weight. We'll see.

And with any luck it won't rain on my drive to school on Tuesday.

Posted at 8:17 PM

 

March 23, 2002

Two months ago, Emperor Bush admitted that there was such a thing as global warning. Prior to that, he adamantly denied that there was such a thing and that the vast majority of scientists on the planet who believed in global warming were mistaken. Even now, however, he has only admitted that there is such a thing as global warming. He has yet to admit that there is any problem or anything to fear (and he's certainly not going to admit that big business, primarily American-owned, is responsible for the depletion of the ozone layer through pollution and the use of various destructive chemicals).

Over the last few months various studies and findings have become clear news of the problems of global warming: a certain type of sea-creature related to the manatee that lives off of Madagascar is close to extinction due to a combination of warming trends in the water (which in themselves are a problem) and the resultant decline of aquatic plantlife in the area as a result of that climate change; a certain kind of sea-life, similar to coral, off the coast of South America is also in decline and may become extinct due to waters that are too warm (and the demise of this life form will drastically affect the whole ecosystem as the loss will mean less food, less shelter, and a lack of break in the flow of stronger currents); and winters over the last ten years have been less severe and less long over the entire planet, signaling potential problems that might lead to universally higher temperatures that will eventually make certain areas desert and change other areas into sparse plains.

Last week a huge part of the Antarctic continent, an ice shelf that has existed with little change for over 12,000 years (since the last ice age), disintegrated and dispersed into the ocean, unable to hold itself together under the record-high temperatures around all of Antarctica. The shelf, when it existed, was huge - one of the icebergs left from the crumbled shelf, just in itself, is larger (in square feet, not cubic feet) than the entire state of Delaware. Studies in Antarctica show temperatures on a rapid rise each year, a much more rapid rise in the past 10 years than previous years. In fact, studies of the melting and buildup of the ice through ice-core samples show that the rise in temperature and associated melting have been consistently and drastically higher since the dawn of industrialization than in any previous time.

The evidence is clear, and global warming is a problem. Ignoring it, as Emperor Bush has chosen to do, will not make it go away. In fact denying its existence and failing to stop the problems that are causing it are leading to our early demise as a species. The fact is that we won't probably live to see a planet that's too hot to live on (maybe our kids or grandkids will, but not us). But we very well might live to see a world covered completely by water with little to no arable land. If both polar caps continue to melt at the rate they have been melting in the last ten years, it won't be long before the ocean levels rise and rapidly flood coastal areas of every continent and eventually cover the land with water. If and when that happens, we will be incredibly challenged to create food, shelter, and protection. We aren't prepared to live like that, and it may very well be coming soon.

The problems need to be faced now, while we still have a chance to keep things from getting worse. Emperor Bush isn't likely to be of any help. But we need to make sure that somebody gets into political/governmental office who can and will. And fast.

Posted at 9:17 PM

 

March 22, 2002

That lonely emptiness is hitting me again. Dustin is on my mind a lot again, and I've been thinking far too much about lost loves and shattered hopes.

Fortunately, I read a couple of books today, and that distracted me a bit. I still have another novel to read tomorrow, but I'm making good progress. I had planned to go to a play here at the Arts Center (a production put on by the Arts Center, and I have complimentary tickets since I'm a member of the Collingwood Arts Center). Maybe I'll go tomorrow night. That'll be a good distraction, too.

Usually I get really whipped by this loneliness thing on my birthday. This year it just came a few days late. And actually it's not as bad as usual. I'm having flashes of depression, but I'm not as emotionally crippled as I often find myself during this. All things considered, it's really small consolation when I don't want to be upset at all. Hopefully it will pass quickly.

Who knows? Maybe watching cartoons tomorrow morning will give me lasting happiness.

... It could happen ...

Posted at 9:13 PM

 

March 21, 2002

I stopped by "the Boy" (Big Boy Restaurant) after classes today, hoping to see the coffee group and spend a short time before heading back to Toledo. Heather was there when I went in, and it was great to be able to talk with her since I haven't had the chance to say more than a few sentences to her all semester. The few times I've gone for the Thursday night coffee get-together at "the Boy" Heather has been working out problems with Chris (her boyfriend), has been swamped with homework and kept herself alone in a far booth, or has simply not been there because she's been busy with other things. So she was there alone and I was able to talk with her for a bit more than two hours before anyone else joined us. Once Sarah joined us it was only a short while before Beth and Manny arrived, and not long after that that Chris (the boyfriend) and Eric all arrived. We had loads of fun talking about all sorts of things and joking around (and bitching about classes, but hey, all college students do that).

I took Chris and Heather back to the dorms before driving back to Toledo, and I got back after 2 AM, having spent almost six hours interacting with these people who I'm finally considering my friends. I'm so wary of putting my trust in anyone any more that I hesitate to consider anybody a friend for quite a while, but I'm finally letting go a bit. That's not to say they have my full trust. Even Christiana doesn't have that, and I trust her more than anybody else that I know. It's good to have fun, intelligent people to talk and joke with, and I'll miss it when the semester ends in another one and a half months.

I may not lose touch with all of these fine folks over the summer, however. Chris is studying glassblowing while at BGSU, and he has the opportunity for a full-time summer job at one of two glass studios in Toledo. He's decided to do it, it's just a matter of which studio he'll work for. Heather plans to live with him in Toledo and just work some mindless summer job and enjoy some pleasure reading and lots of just playing around with her boyfriend (and he's gorgeous and sweet, so who could blame her?). Their problem is that they'll only be in Toledo for the four months of summer break, and then they'll need to move back to Bowling Green. I suggested the Arts Center (where I live). I'll have to try to pull a few strings, but I might be able to get them some studio space.

Having them here would be way cool if it happened. Mind you, they would both work during the day and would spend a lot of time alone together outside of work, but I'm not going to have Christiana around during the summer to go with me around time or just to watch a movie with or such. Having Chris and Heather around could really be a nice thing.

Here's to hoping for nice things.

Posted at 2:37 AM

 

March 20, 2002

Okay, so I was tired yesterday, right? I'd gotten up at 5 AM and I was just going to mindlessly watch TV. and surf the net before zonking out in bed at say Midnight or soon thereafter. And then I saw that Ambrosia Software had just released Escape Velocity Nova, the third game in the Escape Velocity series and something I've really been looking forward to.

Ambrosia Software has yet to make a game that I don't completely enjoy. They're a small company that makes software only for the Macintosh platform. Their games are all filled with really cool graphics and sound, great gameplay, and a pure sense of fun. The cover all genres: arcade-style games, power-up games, role-playing adventures, ... fantasy, cartoon, space ... just all sorts of stuff.

So anyhow, Escape Velocity is this way-cool game where you are a spaceship pilot just getting your start in the universe. You make your way around as a freighter captain or a starfighter or a mercenary or a spy or an explorer or a pirate or a soldier or any combination of those things. You travel all over the place, finding new planets and races, facing various threats and challenges, and you totally choose what sort of path you follow. There are a wide variety of major and minor plot lines to follow (or not to follow as the case may be), and you gather money (space credits) and a reputation along the way. Credits let you buy better ships or upgrade the various systems of your ships. Maybe you'll even use you credits to buy a new galactic ID if you gain a bad reputation somewhere. Reputation is sort of an indicator of who you've pissed off. Some alien races just won't like you from the start, but others will learn to hate you if you do things that affect them negatively. Well ... you get the idea. The game is very expansive and fun with lots of variety. And that's just the beginning. The really cool thing about Escape Velocity (all three variations) is that is is designed to be customizable to that you can completely change the game for a brand new experience. Various people post expansions that are often simply incredible. The original Escape Velocity had a lot of complete makeover upgrades, but the best was a Star Wars retrofit that replaced all of the planets, governments, spaceships, spaceship upgrades, aliens, and plotlines with Star Wars stuff. The graphics, sounds, and storyline details were all perfectly in line with the Star Wars universe. The sequel to Escape Velocity, EV Override, in addition to a brand new base-storyline had all sorts of complete makeover upgrades as well, including a kick-ass Babylon 5 version that was fantastic. Since EV Nova was just released yesterday there aren't any upgrades posted yet, but the baseline story is phenomenal. The whole thing has been customized for the new Mac OS, OS X, and the graphics and sound are beautiful. Even better, the universe is simply huge in this game, beyond anything available before. And there are so many plotlines it boggles the mind.

I started downloading it at just before 11 PM. It finished downloading sometime just before 2 AM (and that was even with my DSL speed). I dozed off around 11:30 or Midnight and woke sometime after 2 AM. If figured, "Heck, I'll just fire it up to make sure it works and see what it looks like. Then I'll go to bed." Well ... that didn't happen exactly as planned.

At 6 AM I finally got off the damn computer and went to bed. I fell right asleep (surprise, surprise). I had just started into EV Nova and I just kept getting pulled in. I'd think, "I'll just wrap up this thing I'm doing and then I'll go to bed." Yeah, right. Well, it was a nice, fun break anyhow. And I still managed to get a bunch of stuff done today (I got up around 11 AM feeling pretty well-rested, actually).

Now I just have to keep myself from playing EV Nova. It's too easy to lose track of time and just play for hours. There's nothing wrong with that at some points, but during school its a danger.

But I can't wait! Hee, hee!

Posted at 8:46 PM

 

March 19, 2002

[Note to self: don't get up at 5 AM on your birthday ever, ever again.]

I have a headache. I'm tired, too, and I've only recently gotten settled in after a busy day at school. I got up far too early this morning so that I could work on two papers. I continued to work on them during all of the breaks between my classes, and I can happily say that I was able to turn in both papers today on time. Now I have other things to do for classes, namely reading three novels in the next few days, but I have 'til next week before my next big project is due. Yea. Lucky me.

But I am actually fairly pleased with things. With those two papers out of the way I feel much better because I was having a really hard time getting them written and I was worried I might not get them completed on time. The funny thing is that I was so preoccupied with the paper that I didn't spend any time moping around thinking about how I'm now 35 years old (... oh yeah, Happy Birthday to me ...). That's actually a plus. The last couple of years I've gotten seriously depressed on my birthday, and I'm quite content not to have to deal with that.

So now I'm just going to relax before giving up and going to sleep. Ahh ... sleep ... what a nice birthday present.

Posted at 9:25 PM

 

March 18, 2002

I proved myself to be "the old guy" again today. I had to do some more filming around Bowling Green with this group to put together an overview of the town on video as part of the introduction for a videoconferencing link for a combined classroom with a 9th grade class for my Adolescent Lit class. As usual, only half of the people showed up, but at least they were the two fun people.

So anyway, we're driving around and taping various locations, taking turns being on camera to describe things, and we stop in this parking lot where there's all sorts of loose trash among these big, leafless bushes at the edge of the lot. Jacob made some comment about the trash, and I said something like, "Yeah, I guess Woodsie hasn't been around." And of course they both stared at me blankly.

So I go on to explain about Woodsie the Owl, ... you know, ... "Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute!" Still - blank stares. So I just say, "It was a commercial. For pollution. Oh nevermind, it's probably before your time."

I hate when I do that. I'm pretty good about thinking before I speak and not making outdated references, particularly since I'm generally around people who are younger than me, but I slip up every once in a while. I guess part of the problem is that my memory is just too good. Hell, I remember TV. shows and songs and things from when I was a little kid of four or five, and a lot of times I remember things that even people that are my own age don't remember. Ironically it should be a good thing that I have this good memory, but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

So fortunately this time I didn't get any "old guy" comments or jokes, but I sure felt it anyhow. Tomorrow's my 35th birthday, and I'm definitely feeling old. I like things that people that are half my age like, and I look ten or twelve years younger than I am. Heck, I even have the energy of someone ten years younger (it's just that I don't have any opportunities to make use of that energy). But I've been through a lot of stuff, and that sometimes makes me feel older. And I definitely just feel old knowing that I'm going to be 35. Even at 30 I could still consider myself just out of my 20's, but now I'll be in my mid-30's. I won't be a kid anymore by anybody's definition. I won't even be a young adult anymore.

So now I have to try to rethink how I interact with the world. What I want is just to keep on looking at things like I'm young and enjoying the company of young people. But at what point do I just become some creepy old guy that doesn't hang out with people his own age? I don't know. I just don't want to be some poseur.

I don't want to be old. I don't see anything fun about it at all. Oh, well. Time waits for no man.

Posted at 9:12 PM

 

March 17, 2002

It's St. Patrick's Day, but I have no cheer. In fact I feel sick, and I haven't even had any green beer.

I watched "The Matthew Shepard Story" last night on NBC. It was done very well. I've listened to Judy Shepard speak for hours about the murder of her son and the subsequent course of her life as she became a champion for gay rights and tolerance. The show on television last night was tasteful and accurate, but it really messed me up.

I was already feeling quite depressed yesterday, and I knew the show wouldn't make me feel any better, but I also felt that I simply had to watch. In a very significant way I am indeed glad that I watched. It was something I needed to experience. But at the same time it has thrown me into incredible turmoil, upsetting me with the horror of hate and violence that lives every day in our world, and also hitting me personally in a lot of unexpected ways. There were many things in the show, things that Matt had experienced and struggled with, that were so perfectly portrayed that it seemed as if someone had seen exact things that I, myself, have gone through. It was emotionally upsetting on a level of compassion for my fellow man, but it was also upsetting on a personal level. And while some people take heart in learning that they are not alone in their fears or troubles, the whole realization that others have suffered in a similar way to my own suffering makes me insane with despair. My fears and mistakes and suffering and pain many times seem unbearable, and I often wish that death would simply come and take me away rather than having to face my misery for another moment. But even then it is still simply my personal pain. To imagine - no, to realize that someone else - maybe very many others, in fact - suffer that same way, with complete anguish and despair ... it simply destroys me. I don't want to feel this way myself. I wouldn't wish that sort of suffering upon anyone. And to find that others have endured the same, or in Matt's case the same and even worse ... it's devastating to me.

I've had a migraine all day. Medication isn't doing anything. It hurts to think. Not just from the migraine. My emotions are shot. It's painful to consider anything right now. So much pain. So much misery. All so stupid and unnecessary. There's simply no reason for that poor, beautiful boy to have suffered at all. All so stupid. I can't cope with the horror of it. I just can't understand it. I can't stand it. It's all just wrong and ... wrong ...

He had so much to live for. Why not somebody like me? I don't even like being alive. Why him? Why somebody with a future? With people who loved him. Someone who was so outgoing and generous. Someone so sweet and perfect. So many dead and so undeserving. So wrong. So horribly wrong.

So wrong.

Posted at 11:17 PM

 

March 16, 2002

Somebody should have told me to "beware the Ides of March." Yesterday started out sort of dumpy with me waking up and laying in bed just wishing I was dead. It's not that I'm not a morning person, it's just that I've been feeling down for the last couple of days and yesterday it just started to become downright depression. I was getting upset and weepy about all sorts of weird, inconsequential things, and I was feeling really worthless and alone. And compared with today, yesterday was all sorts of fun.

Today has really sucked quite a lot. I feel really empty, and I don't have anybody to talk to. I was able to get a few things done with my big paper but nowhere near as much as I should have. I thought that reading some online story chapters might cheer me up, but I was way off on that, too. It turns out that all of the new chapters for the stories I've been following were all pretty seriously upsetting. How lucky for me.

At least when Caesar had a bad day on the Ides of March it was over quickly. I should be so lucky.

Posted at 7:35 PM

 

March 15, 2002

One year ago I had laser surgery on my eyes to correct my vision. Prior to that time, I had to wear glasses to do just about anything. I couldn't see to read, drive, or even really walk around. I got pretty good over the years at identifying blobs of color (particularly where I lived or places I went to a lot), so I could get along without my glasses to stumble to the bathroom in the night and such, but I couldn't go very far without glasses. That wasn't always the way.

I first got glasses when I was five, and it was very obvious once I got them that I should have had them much earlier because a whole new world was around me that I'd never seen before. Even as bad as that was, it was mostly trouble seeing things far away. I could still read fairly well, but I'd get headaches because even that wasn't perfectly clear. I tried to get along without wearing my glasses in school because I was teased mercilessly, but I couldn't get away with it. I couldn't see the blackboard or anything at the front of the class, and the headaches from reading weren't worth it. I'm sure, too, that my vision was a huge part of my being too uncoordinated for pretty much any sports. I either couldn't wear my glasses for fear that they'd break or I had no peripheral vision because the glasses were so small (my mother chose horrible glasses that she thought looked "cute," thus my first pair of glasses were gold-rimmed shopkeeper's glasses that made me look like Benjamin Franklin). My vision gradually deteriorated over the years to the point that I needed them for just about anything.

I tried contacts at a few different points because I wanted to look better. I don't care what anybody says, having glasses is perceived like being fat or being bald - not quite as bad, but still a stigma that sets you apart as less-perfect, and this really does have an effect on how people look at you, particularly how they look at you as dating material. I did look better with contacts and not glasses, but I couldn't keep using them. My eyes are fairly dry all year 'round, and the contacts just ended up irritating my eyes after a while. That didn't stop me from getting contacts again at intervals of a couple years, but it kept me from using them regularly.

One thing I loved about the contacts was depth. It sound weird to explain it, but without glasses my vision was blurred; with glasses my vision was clear but flat; and with contacts, my vision was clear and ... rounded, full ... the flat nature of glasses' lenses flattened out my perception, and I didn't get the full effect of how round a treetrunk looks even from a distance, or how you can almost feel the depth of clouds from their puffiness. Contacts let me see that for the first time. And the other thing I loved about contacts was walking in the rain. It's not that I did it that much, but it was no fun with glasses because they got spotted and steamy, and you couldn't ever just even simply wipe them off because your shirt would be a bit wet, too. With contacts I could walk in a summer rain and just enjoy everything about it.

Well, the laser surgery has given me back that depth perception - permanently. And I can walk in the rain and enjoy it. I even did that a few weeks ago, even though it wasn't as warm as I'd like it. And I can see when I swim; and I can see the time on my alarm clock when I wake up in the middle of the night. There are all sorts of little things like that that I've been able to enjoy since I had the laser surgery, and I can honestly say that having that surgery was one of the best decisions of my life.

The process itself was quick, painless, and not too scary, and the recovery time was very fast. I was seeing well without glasses when I left the doctor's office, and within the next couple of days it got better and better. The first few weeks were slightly annoying with having to use three different types of drops at varying intervals, but that was a small price to pay. Things did continue to get better and better, and today's results were a great final development for the whole process.

This morning I had my one year checkup, the final in a series of periodic checks since the actual surgery. The final results are full 20/20 vision. The left eye is slightly weaker than the right (20/25 vs. 20/20 when viewed individually), but that may also be due to my eyes being incredibly dry today, and I felt like I had a layer of film on my eyes (and of course I forgot to take my eyedrops with me when I left this morning to run errands before the appointment). Even so, my eyes are pretty much perfect after a lifetime of imperfection. It's a nice feeling to know that I won't have to wear glasses again (at least not 'til I'm old and senile (or at least more senile than I am now)).

If I had to do anything different about the laser surgery it would be to have done it sooner. I wish I'd done it years ago.

Posted at 7:18 PM

 

March 14, 2002

As today draws to a close I realize that this Spring Break isn't remotely long enough. I've been relaxing a bit, and that's been nice, but I had hoped to relax even more. Sadly, that's not likely because I have a lot of schoolwork to finish before I return to classes, and I also have an appointment for my eyes and I need to take care of a few more things for Christiana. I had also hoped to update the website, backup important files on the computer, and get some things together for Chris in Indiana to enjoy. And I may actually get all of that stuff done, even if it extends into the school week, but that leaves me pretty much no time for complete vegetating and relaxing.

On the plus side, I feel much more centered than I have for a while, and that's a very good thing considering I'm usually more emotionally stressed out in March than any other time of the year. As much as I want to relax, I'll take not being depressed any time.

So tomorrow, like it or not, I'm back to the grind from morning to night. Hopefully things will move ahead smoothly.

Posted at 10:27 PM

 

March 13, 2002

Do you believe that I actually felt guilty about sleeping in this morning? I woke up at 7:30, then 8, then just before 9. I really felt comfortable as I was, but seeing the time ticking away made me feel guilty that I wasn't up and getting myself together so that I could get some things done today. It's sick that I can't simply relax even during Spring Break. I mean, sure, there's stuff to be done, both for school and for me, but I should really just let myself go while I have the chance.

This penchant for guilt is something I seem too readily to fall into. But then again, it seems that feeling guilty is almost part of the American way. Are you too heavy? Be guilty. Too thin? Be guilty? Too ugly? Be guilty. Too pretty? Be guilty? Too vain? Be guilty. Not working hard enough? Be guilty. Working harder than everybody else? Be guilty. Not very well informed? Be guilty. Know-it-all? Be guilty. The list just goes on and on ... And you just can't win. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You're pretty much expected to be guilty unless your dead. In fact, even when you're dead you're meant to feel guilty for leaving people behind and causing people to be sad.

I'm sorry, but life's just too short to have to feel guilty about everything you think or do. Granted I'm not the best person to expound this, being that I am so easily made to feel guilty about so many things, but I can be objective enough to realize the sad futility of guilt in our short lives even if don't keep it from affecting my own life. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we all need to realize how useless and wrong guilt can be and we all need to make an effort to not let ourselves feel guilty about so many things (or at least not let it affect us as deeply as we tend to do).

Maybe it's all from religious origins in the sense of Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt. Those kinds of guilt are part of the faith for no reason other than to make people beg for forgiveness and do anything the church tells them in order to repent. Should you feel bad if you've done something really wrong? Sure, but the key phrase there is "really wrong." What constitutes really wrong? Hurting somebody does, obviously, but little stupid things like forgetting to take out the garbage or something like that is certainly not wrong. It doesn't call for guilt. A lot of people are still made to feel guilty for stupid things like that, though, and they're so caught up in feeling guilty that they don't have time to think about how ridiculous it is to feel guilty when you haven't done anything particularly bad.

So try and give yourself a break. Life is short, and we all have enough real mistakes to feel guilty about during our lives. Don't sweat the small, inconsequential stuff, though. It's just not worth it.

Posted at 8:47 PM

 

March 12, 2002

Mmmm ...

Clean clothes and sheets, a comfy haircut, fresh food, and a sparkly-clean environment ... it's good to be the king (the king of my domain, anyhow). I've grown so used to one or more of those things being absent (living with a layer of dust over stuff or living with eating food made from boxes of stuff or living with wearing my clothes that don't fit as well as the stuff that's dirty), and it's nice to relax and enjoy it all. In fact, I was up 'til almost 5 AM yesterday after having worked 'til 1:30 at taking care of getting everything done in the house. Even so, I got up before 10 this morning and had nice meals, watched a little TV. while stretched out on the couch, and kicked butt on the computer playing Baldur's Gate II. Did I do anything productive? No. Did I make an impact on the world? Well ... no. But I really enjoyed just mindlessly kicking back. I don't completely laze around that often, and this was a nice break. It's what I have been hoping to have during Spring Break. Granted, I'd love to have more time like that to relax and unwind, but I still have stuff that needs to be done. But in the meantime, this was a good thing.

So tomorrow it's back to getting stuff done. But maybe I'll get a few hours of relaxing in ...

I think that can be arranged.

Posted at 8:28 PM

 

March 11, 2002

Ugh!

I feel like a maid. I spent the day running errands and taking care of things that I've been putting off for most of the semester with the 'excuse' that I needed to focus on classwork. Consequently I got the first haircut I've had in two and a half months, I spent $200 on groceries, I washed four very full loads of laundry, and I cleaned and cleaned the studios and bathroom for over eight hours. I even did other things than just those, so it's been a full day, and now, having just had a shower, I'm feeling pretty whipped and zoned. Nonetheless, I'm still fairly alert and I want to post a Journal entry and do a little surfing before I zonk out.

Meanwhile it was the six month anniversary of 9/11 today, and a large part of me is glad I was too busy to be watching TV. The repeat of the late news that I'm watching is littered with stories about events and reflections of the tragedy. Now don't get me wrong because I empathize with the trauma of the whole thing and the need to honor the dead and all, but this is just another example of the American affection for drama. Let's think the OJ trial - all day, every day for week after week; think Monica Lewinski - all day, every day for nearly two years; think about America's best police chases ... or COPS ... or America's Most Wanted; think anthrax scares ... or ... anything. The people of America live for drama. Why do soap operas stay on TV. for decades? It's not because of the fine acting or great writing - it's drama. America loves drama. Why else is Fear Factor still on TV.? Why else is Emperor Bush getting high ratings in the polls? It's drama.

Well I for one am sick of America's culture of fear. It sickens me that people all around me seem to want to see the videos of 9/11 over and over again. They want to see the dead, bloody victims of a gang shooting on the nightly news. They want to hear about the sufferings of a child who was raped. They're sick fucks. Don't they see enough fucking pain in their daily lives? Doesn't it affect them at all? I just can't understand it. America will never forget the tragedies of 9/11, but forcing the memory down the throats of every person in our society on a nearly daily basis for six months (and this is likely to continue for a very long time as well) ... it's just irresponsible, horrible, heartless, and is responsible for desensitizing our society to violence and pain in such a way that we are gradually losing our humanity.

The past needs to be understood and remembered so that we will no repeat it, but living in the past is an exercise in futility. We have to move on. We have to ignore the drama. And we have to make sure we don't become detached from the horror of all the forms of suffering in our world. Our humanity depends upon it.

Posted at 2:04 AM

 

March 10, 2002

Tomorrow it will have been six months since the terrorist bombings of 9/11. I have a lot of deep thoughts about those events, and I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who had a friend or relative who died during those tragedies.

However ...

I have been watching over the past week as final details have been released about the "September 11th Relief Fund" as it is called. This is a huge sum of money that the US government decided to provide to people who lost someone to those terrorist acts. I suppose the thought behind this is in the right place, but the final result is just wrong in so many ways.

First off, consider it for what it is. Yes, people suffered a horrible loss in an attack directed against the US, but why should they get financial gain from that? Particularly from taxpayer dollars? The people who died in the various US Embassy bombings during the year prior to 9/11 didn't get a cent. Neither did the victims of the Oklahoma City bombing. In fact, nobody has ever been given benefits from the government for anything close to this. A comparison has been made with the way the US pays funeral expenses and survivor benefits to wives and children of military personnel who die in the line of duty, but those people: 1) knew there was a distinct chance they might die when they signed up, and 2) it's a job benefit just like health insurance, and 3) it's a really small amount (a few thousand dollars) that the military families get while the 9/11 survivors get a guaranteed minimum of $250,000 and up to as much as $8.4 million. Each. (the average is $1.8 million each). Where's the justification for giving these people taxpayer dollars? If you're a journalist who's executed overseas by terrorists, does your family get any money? Nope. If you get hit by a bus do you get any money? Nope. Now the reason the government claims that they're doing this (and they certainly aren't pointing out that they're doing it so that they'll get reelected) is that they want to defer lawsuits away from the airlines involved and from the group that owned the World Trade Center (and potentially from any of the companies that employed the people in the World Trade Center). Well first off, if it's made regarding those corporate entities, why don't they pay for the fund and not the taxpayers? Secondly, lawsuits against the airlines might win, but how culpable are the owners and businesses of the World Trade Center? There's nothing they could have done to change things. Thirdly, the "Fund" gives these huge sums of cash to people but doesn't stop them from still suing the companies that this is supposed to be protecting. It's all a bunch of crap.

The next big thing to consider is just how much people are getting and why. It's not like everybody gets the same amount because of course human lives aren't equivalent on a cash scale. If you were rich, you leave a richer corpse. Ironically, the rich get more money than the poor victims. Why? Because the payoff is supposed to account for "the potential life-earnings" of the victim. What a bunch of crap. What if the victim was supposed to get fired that day? What would his earnings have been then? Besides that, the rich could afford life insurance, and while the "Fund" claims to factor that into the summation and diminish the payoff based on other money coming from life insurance, the rich people still get more because of the 'life-wage' and the guaranteed minimum.

And the thing that really pisses me off is that gay and lesbian partners, children, or family members of victims from 9/11 get absolutely nothing. Zero. Not one cent. Complaints have been placed regarding this since the "Fund" was first organized in December, and the gay community has been told that they would not be left out. Well guess what? Old Emperor Bush lied. Surprise, surprise. Granted, he has his lapdog, the guy running the "Fund," take the heat, but this whole thing was instituted from the office of the President and has been developed under his close advisement. When asked about the abandonment of gays and lesbians, the response has been that New York's state laws don't support gay spousal benefits so they felt it was inappropriate. What a bunch of shit. This is a federal agency, not a state agency. What a fucking cheap way out...

I could go on and on, but I'll save you the pain and suffering.

Posted at 8:06 PM

 

March 9, 2002

Oh joy. Oh bliss. My mother visited today (please be sure to add an inflection of distaste when you voice the word 'mother' in that sentence).

It never ceases to amaze me that my mother has the ability to make me angry, guilty, and depressed with even the shortest conversation by phone or in person, and I have come to be able to have a great deal of accuracy in predicting what she will choose to say that will set me off. To a large extent, she hits similar topics again and again (particularly if I have asked her to drop something (for example, after my business partner, Thor, screwed me over, I really didn't want to keep hearing his name - so of course my mother had to ask questions about him constantly for the next year and a half) or if she thinks that I'm somehow wrong in my thinking (for example, I have been a partial vegetarian (I don't eat mammals) for over eight years and she still claims to have 'forgotten' about that (which, considering it comes up every time we eat together (which is every time we visit one another) it is really quite impossible to believe)). Yet even knowing my mother as well as I do and expecting her behavior, I somehow am always surprised by how she manages to do or say something completely outrageous and upsetting every time we speak.

The list of upsetting things today would be too long and too unnerving to detail, but I'll point out just one thing from today that I thought was completely over the top. The thing that is still infuriating me. I was bringing my mother and grandmother into the Arts Center so that my mother could show me her pictures (she and my father single-handedly make sure Kodak is profitable, and I inevitably have to see the resulting photos of everything they have done and everyplace they have gone, including pictures of street signs and farm animals that they thought were cute). Just as we entered the building I ran into Lee, the board member who runs the office. I still had the keys for the elevator, the 5th floor, and the storage room to access Christiana's books, and Lee had been gone by the time I was finished yesterday, so she wanted the keys back to lock safely away. I took my mother and grandmother to my studio, grabbed the keys, and ran them back down to Lee. Lee is one of those talkative people who are hard to get away from, so I was trapped for 5 or 10 minutes. When I got back, my mother had pulled out my school folders and was reading through them (and that's only what I caught her doing). Clearly perturbed, I told her that "Usually it's proper to ask first." She responded, "Oh, well I never do. I'm just too nosy." Man was I pissed off. I'm almost 35 years old and my fucking mother still has no respect for my privacy. It's bad enough that she was rifling through my things at all, but she wouldn't even apologize when she was caught and knew I was angry. It's just so typical of her and yet it pisses me off so much I could just explode.

So the result was that I played Baldur's Gate II for the rest of the afternoon after she left so that I could vent my frustration by killing monsters. I had planned to do a whole bunch of other errands and around-the-house tasks (and I had gotten a good start before she arrived at Noon), but I was just too aggravated and distracted to do any of the things I had planned. I'm still pissed off. And I'm still depressed about a few things, too. I'm not as bad as I was when she was just leaving, but it's still all bothering me.

I should just cut my whole family out of my life. They drive me crazy, and I just don't get any benefit at all from them. Something inside me really wants to try, really wants to still have a family, but my mind and heart keep telling me to stop the pain. If it were anybody outside of my family, they would have been cut out of my life years ago. Why do I have this perverse sense of obligation? It's sinister.

Posted at 8:57 PM

 

March 8, 2002

Today I began taking over responsibilities and solving problems for Christiana's stateside needs. Before Christiana had left for England she had made a lot of preparations and planning, arranging things so that she could access her bank account overseas, setting up all of her bills son that they could be paid online, arranging an international phone service, and setting up power of attorney with Joné to take care of her mail, prescriptions, and various issues that might come up. Ever since Joné resigned from her position in the office here at the Arts Center she has been unreachable to either Christiana or myself. It appears that she has been getting the mail but doing nothing with it, and she hasn't filled a single prescription yet. She also didn't finish a tax filing that Christiana had already arranged online. Christiana has only recently realized these problems because Joné had been telling Christiana that she was taking care of things. In fact, Joné completely lied to direct questions from Christiana about those things, claiming she had taken care of things that she never even began to take care of.

To say that Christiana is pissed wouldn't convey the depth of emotion she's been passing on to me. She's angry and concerned, and she feels betrayed. I don't blame her. In fact, I know how she feels. When I spoke with her today I pointed out that it's situations like this that make me speak with derision about people I used to consider "friends." What Christiana is realizing is the sad truth that I've been facing for a few years: while nobody is perfect and you have to expect that your friends will fail you or say or do stupid things, it's another thing entirely when someone fucks you over knowing completely well exactly what they are doing. And if they fuck you over more than once, well, then they deserve all of the hatred and vengeance you care to heap upon them. Can you be friends with someone like that again? Well, if you don't mind getting fucked over again, sure, because it's abso-fucking-lutely going to happen again at some point.

So I'm disappointed that Joné has joined the ranks of the evil sadists from hell, but I can't say that I'm entirely surprised. I've been wondering what to expect from Joné for the last six months, and I've been getting feelings that she wasn't what she appeared to be. Now she has revealed herself to be not only self-involved but selfish and destructive. It's amazing how many people there are like that in the world. It sucks. Hopefully karma will return the favor tenfold. Maybe more.

But I'm not bitter.

Posted at 8:40 PM

 

March 7, 2002

I have two different day-by-day calendars where you tear off a page each day - one is a Far Side calendar in my bedroom, and the other is a calendar of Zits! cartoons that's in my living room. I check out each of them as I get cleaned up in the morning, usually paying more attention to the cartoons than to the date. That's particularly true of days that I don't have class, because the actual date is pretty much meaningless to me.

So when I checked the calendars this morning before class, I checked the date (like I said, I don't check the date when I don't have class, but I check when I have class), and the date today was the 7th. It hit me like a ton of bricks why I was depressed yesterday. Eight years ago today my dear friend Ken Rice died as the result of a horrible car wreck. Ken was very important to me, and his death has caused me continual pain all of these years. Even without consciously thinking about the date yesterday my subconscious knew what was coming today.

I have been very sad all day, but in all honesty I am dealing with it better today than I ever have. In the past I have been completely miserable and inconsolable. I have cried constantly and made myself sick. Granted, the day isn't over yet, but I'm not that far gone this time. I don't think you can understand how sad I am, but I'm not in physical pain like I have been before, and that's a big step.

Ken was an incredible person. I loved him dearly and would have loved to have had him for a boyfriend, but he was unwilling to be more than a friend. That still didn't stop me from enjoying every moment that I was with him, and it still didn't stop me from hoping he might one day be willing to be more than just a great friend. But all that's gone. It's been gone for a long time. It just never seems any easier to deal with.

I see aspects of Ken in people I pass on campus all of the time. It hurts a little, but more than that it makes me think how hollow my life really is. Ken, above all other things, was the most alive person I ever knew. He just knew how to have fun and make fun, even with simple things like sitting on the couch and watching a baseball game. It's tough not having anyone that makes me feel so comfortable and happy, and I get really upset when I think that I might never find anyone like Ken again.

It still hurts. It's better this year, but it hurts. I miss him.

I miss you, Ken. I love you. I hope you're happy wherever you are now. I'll always remember you.

I hadn't planned on posting this until later, but today is more appropriate. I wrote a poem about a month ago when I was thinking of Ken. It has been revised a bit since then, and I'm happy with it. This is a different poem than Ken, which has been posted for a while, and this one is called Cold.

Posted at 8:42 PM

 

March 6, 2002

I-WAS-FEELING-DOWN-TODAY-AND-I-COULDN'T-GET-MOTIVATED-TO-WRITE-MY-PAPER-AND-I-WAS-
THINKING- HOW-MUCH-IT-SUCKS-TO-BE-ALONE-BUT-I-SAW-THIS-VIDEO-AND-IT-WAS-SO-WACKED-THAT-
I-CRACKED-UP-LAUGHING-SO-HARD-THAT-I-ALMOST-PEED-MY-PANTS-AND-I-SAID-
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Posted at 10:04 PM

 

March 5, 2002

So I was watching "Good Morning America" while I ate breakfast before driving to classes and who should they interview but Ted Kennedy. The Kennedy Center for the Arts is celebrating its 30th anniversary and Ted is celebrating his 70th birthday. Mostly the segment was about the history of the Center and the involvement Ted has had at certain points to get certain programs put together (like the recent salute to America in response to the September 11th trauma). They also spent a few minutes looking back at the losses of John and Bobby Kennedy and how Ted has dealt with the trauma. As usual he was very eloquent and insightful, even in the brief span of the segment. It was a brief segment but it made me think about Ted for a little while, and that put a smile on my face.

I've always appreciated Ted Kennedy. If you've never heard a brief biography of the man, I suggest you should. He has real dedication and loyalty, and he stands up for people who don't usually have a voice in Congress. Ted has had his whole life shadowed by the assassinations of his famous brothers and by the incident at Chappaquidick where he drunkenly drove his car off the road into a river and the girl with him, unconscious because she was so drunk, drowned while he wandered senseless in shock. He was found innocent of any wrongdoing in that incident, but it has left a mark that his political enemies have constantly used against him. Nevertheless, Ted has been in the Senate for decades standing up for the poor, the middle class, and the average working people of America. He has been a staunch supporter of legislation for all disenfranchised peoples (of all races, creeds, disabilities, genders, or sexualities), and he has been an incredible force behind constant attempts to improve the American education system. While Ted is clearly liberal and Democratic in his views, he doesn't hesitate to work across party lines when it will benefit the American people. He even worked side-by-side with Bush to forge new plans for education. But he didn't hesitate, just a couple of weeks later, to criticize Bush for later other educational plans that he felt hurt kids in average families from getting an equal education. I have kept an eye on Ted's voting record and his public stands on various issues, and I have few members of Congress (or any branch of the government) who I consider to honestly be working in the interests of the people of America. Do I think he's perfect or a saint? No. As much as Ted has slowed down, he has a history of drinking and womanizing and has been known to use his wealth to shield himself from public view. Those are his own personal aspects and they are his business, even though I don't fully approve. As far as unscrupulous acts as a Senator, I'm not aware of any. And while I'm not blind enough to think that anyone in Congress is completely honest and squeaky clean, I don't think there is probably much (if anything) that Ted has done that has been inappropriate. I think the world would be a better place if we had more people like Ted Kennedy in office, and I will continue to respect and praise him for as long as he continues to hold a position in the Congress.

I know that a lot of people don't pay much attention to the government, particularly members of Congress, but you should definitely know who is working for you in the way America treats its people. Ted Kennedy is one of the Congressmen who care. Take a good look.

Posted at 9:17 PM

 

March 4, 2002

I can't think of anything to write today. That's not to say that I don't have anything to write about, but I can't think. The idiots in the room next door, the band Shuttlefuck ... I mean Shuttlecock (that's really their name) ... they have been practicing almost every night again, seeming to wait until I get back from school or wherever and then starting to blare out their awful noise. They go 'til well after 9 PM even though they have been told time and again by the office that they are not to play after 9. To say that their "music" is awful doesn't begin to explain the situation. The "singer" sounds like he's moaning out the pains of going through childbirth. And the bassist and guitarist studied from the Spinal Tap school of music - that's not to say that they sound like Spinal Tap (they're worse than even the most obnoxious attempts of Spinal Tap to play a song that just sounds bad), but they set their amps and speakers to 11 (Spinal Tap had amps made to go to 11 since everybody else's only went to 10). The combination of really bad "music" and incredibly loud, powerful speakers might be bad on its own, but these tone-deaf morons create such distortion that the entire building shakes. I kid you not when I say that you can hear them playing three blocks away and their distortion vibrates almost everything off of the shelves in my closet.

The fact that I've written this much is surprising me. I had been trying earlier to form my ideas into something for a Journal entry, but I couldn't think around the horrible sounds. I suspect that the only reason I'm even writing what I have written is because I'm so pissed off and because I've had these same angry thoughts too many times to count.

If I could just find a way to send an electric backsurge into their room to blow out all of their speakers and instruments ... ahhhh ... that would be sweet.

Well, maybe that's not going to happen, but it's a nice dream for the moment. You have to be sure to dream.

Posted at 7:47 PM

 

March 3, 2002

My neck is stiff (and has been for most of the past week). I'm tired of scanning books for quotable lines/sections for my Contemporary Poetry Midterm Argumentative Paper (which so far is citing from five large books, including biographies, and a graduate paper from Emory University). It's snowing and snowing outside and the roads are freezing (which is probably in response to my running the car through a carwash on Friday). My mother has called to say she's visiting on Saturday (joy. What a great way to start Spring Break. Maybe she'll find a way for me to feel guilty and depressed all week). It's cool in the studio (because obviously a month isn't long enough to sit on a work-order before taking care of my poorly-functioning radiator). Brendan has been diagnosed with a condition related to Cystic Fibrosis (his mother told me yesterday, and even though he has a 95% survival rate from treatment, I'm still worried about him). It sounds like there's a bowling alley in the floor above me (one of the children's theater groups that works in the art center had a performance this weekend and is rolling all of their sets and props into the room above me for storage. The seem to manage to bump into everything (as if the sound of heavy dollies rolling on the floors isn't enough)). Emperor Bush has instituted a "Shadow Government" and managed to make people believe it's a good thing (even though unknown, unseen, unaccountable people are now responsible for certain aspects of our government, nobody (including the media) seems to be concerned). Steve expects me to pay his utility bills before all of the utility companies shut off his services (and while there is actually a big, long story around all of this, I don't like the idea of being used and am pretty much set on making sure that the utility companies just shut him down). I didn't win last night's Ohio SuperLotto jackpot (like that's a big surprise, but heck, I had even bought a ticket this time). A poll was released today showing that people in Arab nations are hostile to the United States (and while this bothers me, I can't say I'm surprised. In fact, I'd have to say that to some extent I think the US has earned feelings of hostility from the Middle East. Certainly Bush hasn't helped). Christiana is having trouble meeting British students while she's in England, and the American students in the dorms all complain about how England isn't like the States (...if you arrange to study abroad, why would you expect it to be like the U.S.? Are there really this many stupid Americans in college?). The US Military has used a new type of incendiary bomb for the first time ever in Afghanistan, a bomb nicknamed "the Fire-breathing Dragon" because it so completely burns it's target-area that it actually depletes all of the air (and yet other countries are part of an Axis of Evil because they have frightening 'weapons-of-mass-destruction.' Hmmm. Who do you think has the most nuclear bombs, biological weapons, toxic gases, long-range missiles, and ultra-powerful explosive devices? Could it be ... umm ... US?). My college, Bowling Green State University, is raising tuition for Summer Semester by 7% in response to continued cuts in educational funding by the state (and that leaves them wide open to do another tuition increase in Fall semester since most people think 7% isn't nearly enough to cover the support being withdrawn from the state. That should make things almost impossible for me financially, but I guess we'll have to wait and see).

Strange as it may seem, this is just a small smattering of the things going through my mind as I write this (and imagine all of the stuff that I'm not even mentioning. It's sort of daunting, isn't it).

I believe I may just think too much.

Posted at 6:18 PM

 

March 2, 2002

The group I'm working with for the class presentation in Adolescent Lit (which will be for Tuesday morning) is driving me nuts. I'm working with three girls. For the most part, they don't seem to want to do anything, yet whenever I make a suggestion or offer to do something they respond with nearly vicious attacks as if I'm contemptible for even speaking. I don't know what the problem is. I initially thought maybe I had worded my suggestion wrong or something, but after having the same response a number of times, regardless of how diplomatic I might be, I made the clear decision that they just simply have something against me. Granted I'm gay, older, and not an education major like they all are, but there's no reason to suppose they know any of those things or any reason to see those as reasons to dislike me even if they were aware of any of those aspects of who I am. The only thing left is to assume they're responding to my being a man. I wouldn't have suspected it, really, and not from all three, but I'm getting major negative vibes and it's pissing me off.

Initially, I tried to suggest possible activities and discussion topics because my earlier question of "Do any of you have ideas of what we can do?" was met with stony silence. I got a gruff response from Hannah to my suggestions - and they were just presented as possibilities to get thoughts rolling in the right direction. I didn't let it get me down, and even though I left the first meeting with them feeling sort of confused, I moved ahead to try to do my share and be sure we were making progress. I took all of the things we had discussed that first time and typed them up into an outline, following the outline format required by the professor. Then I added a bit to a couple of areas that had been my ideas, and I spent a fair amount of time coming up with a wide range of discussion topics. I made copies for each of us for the next get-together. Well the next get together, first of all, wasn't even in class (which is where we'd first met and agreed to meet again). I actually found them, after a little searching, and we got going (with no comments at all when I mentioned that nobody had told me the meeting place had changed). I handed out my outline copies and Hannah said, "Oh. It figures. I was going to type up an outline, but I guess you beat me to it." Well where the fuck did that come from? So we go through it and they agree and disagree with things, saying how they didn't like certain things at all and they wanted to do it 'their way' and wanting things rearranged and ... well, it just went on and on. In the end it was decided that when we met again we would each have designed our own activity for within the presentation and typed up everything for that activity to fit into the outline (so much for the GROUP aspect of the presentation), and we would go over to from there. I suggested that after the next meeting, I could put everything together (since I already had the outline started) and then e.mail a copy to everyone for review and suggested changes; that way we could cut down on needing to meet again. They weren't terribly thrilled but agreed.

In fact, they sent (two of them anyhow) e.mails to me before the next meeting regarding their section of the outline. The fact that they didn't follow the format of the outline was obviously irrelevant to them, even though the professor had given not only the required format but a completed sample. No problem, I figured; I'll just make everything fit. I did that, made some updates and additions to my own section, and made new copies. Once again they wanted a whole bunch of things changed. No problem; not a big deal. Then I suggested a couple of minor changes in wording to make two of the activities clearer. You would think that I had just assaulted them with the way they responded. I held back, thinking about what I'd said, and decided they were definitely reacting to nothing. But I just wanted this to work and to get it done, so I put up with it.

After that I got updated changes by e.mail from the earlier two. The last girl finally e.mailed me a short paragraph which not only didn't have info to cover all aspects of the outline to represent her activity but also went in a completely different direction which didn't support the themes we were exploring and didn't even support discussion of the book we were presenting (she was supposed to find songs about rape that would compare with the understanding of rape developed in the book. She chose "Hands" by Jewel (just that song) and wanted to look at how it explored finding yourself. And how this related to the book, we'll never know...). Fine. I put what she had into the outline and managed to come up with transitional ideas to make it seem to fit (although it still really doesn't work). Then I e.mailed a new version back to everyone. I still have no comments back from anyone.

It's like I'm doing this damn thing by myself. I hate group presentations or group projects. They always fucking get screwed up. Even the Harry Potter presentation I finished last week (which is probably the smoothest and most satisfying presentation I've done in college, specifically because everyone was involved) ... even that project had a problem in the screwed up Sunday meeting where I was the only one to meet on campus (see my Journals from last week). Somehow, I just always get screwed in these things.

I hate working with other people. They're just never dependable. And this whole evil eye thing from this current group is pissing me off. I'll be glad when this presentation is over on Tuesday.

Posted at 2:35 AM

 

March 1, 2002

It's March. I know that seems pretty obvious and all, but March is a big deal to me. It's full of emotional ups and downs, usually has at least a bit of troubling weather, and has the last break in the semester (Spring Break) before the end of the term. Ken died during March, I had my nervous breakdown during March, and I turn 35 (ack!) during this March. A lot of friends and family have birthdays in this month, too. It's a weird collection of events, and I can't help doing a lot of deep thinking about the past, present, and future during every March.

All of that aside, this month looks fairly decent. Sure, I'm still dealing with some depression and winter doldrums, but I've been getting along okay. And next week is the last week of classes before Spring Break. This will be the first Spring Break that I can remember where I won't have to work on all sorts of projects over the "vacation" to be turned in on the day we go back to classes. I should be able to just sit back and relax, maybe take some time to do some stuff for me that has nothing to do with school. In reality I'm already planning on working on a paper and a linguistics exercise over break, but I'm just planning on working on those to get ahead and have a pretty easy time for the rest of the semester. And I know myself well enough to know that if I do anything on those projects at all it will be fairly surprising. I expect that I'll easily get involved in other things.

Among the things I want to do are: clean! (and even though this sounds like a funny (or anal) thing to want to do, the studios need it - I've been really letting things go), read (even with all of the stuff I read for school, I have still been looking forward to reading a couple books for pleasure), play more Baldur's Gate II (the damn thing is so addictive it's simply amazing that I've been able to keep away from it while I've been involved in classes), watch a couple of movies (either renting or second-run theater, but I've just been missing way too many things I've wanted to watch), and updating the website. This last item, the website, is something I won't start until break so that I know I have time to play around, but I already have a lot of ideas for what I want to do. Some things like the Bio and Links need to be updated, but I want to add a few poems, too (and maybe I can motivate myself to write a story (...maybe...)). I'm also thinking about some real changes. I have a few things in mind, some of which will take too much work and trial-and-error to put into place until this summer, and I think I can add some more interesting/useful things to the site and get rid of some useless things (the Chat section seems quite useless right now, and the Board doesn't seem to be worth too much either). I'll have to think about these potential changes a little more, but expect some changes here and there by the end of Spring Break.

So I'm going into March almost optimistic (Damn but it seems strange typing that word ... optimistic). I usually go into March dreading the whole thing, but I'm in a much better frame of mind this year. Who'd have guessed?

Posted at 8:14 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © March 2002