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October 2003

 

October 31, 2003

Okay, so yesterday's barrage of bad mojo obviously wasn't enough; it just keeps on going and going and going. It's times like these that I have no trouble at all justifying to myself why it would just be easier to be dead.

And of course that sort of sentiment fits with the day, today, doesn't it? All Hallows Eve, Halloween, the Day of the Dead, ... whatever ...

I was looking out the windows earlier tonight, watching kids of all ages wandering up and down the streets, trick-or-treating and enjoying the hell out of themselves. Kids of four or five, teenagers, and everything in between; kids with a boundless joy and a love for life; kids with a sense of wonderment about the world and what it holds; kids with hopes and dreams and no limitations; kids being all that they're supposed to be - just kids. It hurts to look at them, really, makes me feel empty inside, knowing that they have a childhood that I never had and knowing that, even though I want it with all of my heart and soul, there's pretty much not a chance in hell that I'll ever have a kid like them of my own to raise and know and celebrate. I feel like a freak, staring at kids I've never met and wishing I knew them, wishing I was them. Thirty-six years old and wanting to be a kid; how pathetic am I?

You don't need to answer that; it pretty much goes without saying. I'm just tired of feeling hurt and empty and alone;tired of these headaches and the strain; tired of trying so hard to do things right when it doesn't make a fucking difference at all. I'm just tired of living. Tired of moving or thinking of breathing. I'm tired. And I just want to go to sleep forever.

Posted at 10:08 PM

October 30, 2003

It's been a pretty crappy day all around, but fortunately there were some high points.

It started early with having to search around for home maintenance stuff because my grandmother was insistent that certain things had to be done without delay (and without a shower or a glass of orange juice or anything, as it seems). The whole day turned out to be fairly frustrating for me due to my grandmother, not that I think that was her intention; it was just a matter of her constantly interrupting me when I was working on my Thesis or her worrying about something she had never noticed before and being sure that something was wrong, regardless of my allaying of her concerns (i.e., the electrical meter on the house is fine and not a problem just because the glass cover on ours is frosted glass while the ones on the neighboring houses on either side are clear glass). It was just one of those days for her, and she was on a roll, being worried about one thing after another and not believing me when I would explain why she needn't worry. That was very tiring, but it also added to a great deal of frustration.

Getting interrupted on my Thesis so often was very bothersome. Just as I would get an idea clearly laid out in my head and ready to type it out, my grandma would buzz me on the intercom and want me to come and look at something that didn't seem right. And then something else. And then something else. That wouldn't have been too bad for me if that had been all, because this does happen fairly regularly - there are just some days when my grandma's like this, and I roll with it and wait for her to be more normal the next day.

The problem was that goofy things kept going wrong all day. The biggest was that 5 accidentally dropped my iPod for the first time ever, and I couldn't get it to respond when I picked it up. I tried to work with it for a while to no avail, then placed it in its dock, connected to my computer, and it came to life. That was a good sign since I was concerned that $500 had just been thrown away, but even after the link showed me it wasn't seriously broken, I still couldn't get it to respond. As it turns out, the link with the dock worked okay, the remote controller worked okay (although the "lock" mechanism is cracked), but the main controls wouldn't respond, meaning that I couldn't use the control wheel which is the only control not duplicated on the remote, even though it is very necessary for moving from item to item. I played around for about 20 minutes, getting more and more upset. I had even set the iPod aside in its dock and picked out some CDs for my trip to Bowling Green (which I would have to be making in a few minutes), and I was ready to let it go, but I tried messing with it one more time and managed to shift the housing just the slightest bit such that it audibly clicked into place. Apparently the housing had shifted just a hair, but enough to keep the lock mechanism on the main housing to keep from shifting to the unlocked position - with that being the case, the controls were always locked out. Now that the housing had shifted, I could use the controls without a problem That was a huge relief, but it still had me pretty stressed out.

A little while later, as I was driving to Bowling Green, I opened up a 16 ounce bottle of Sprite that had been sitting in my cup holder for the first 20 minutes of my drive. I opened it up for a drink, and it sprayed all over me - no reason at all as it hadn't been shaken up and had been sitting still for a while; it just sprayed me because that's how my day was going. So I got to be sticky for the entire trip. Yeah.

Fortunately, I had a bit of a reprieve after the fiction and poetry reading when we had a get-together at Big Boy. I had made some earlier arrangements and Steve, who is on vacation this week, came down from Toledo to join me and Chris and Laura. We all talked and ate and shared what was going on in our lives and some political views, and it did a lot to calm me down. I had much earlier developed a stress headache that showed no signs of going away, but I was much more at ease and comfortable by the time we all went our separate ways after Midnight (Laura was somewhat sick with a cold and didn't stay as late, but Chris and Steve and I talked for a while after she left).

I would really have liked to have stayed longer and talked, but it was already late and I was quite tired. In fact, I had trouble staying awake during the last part of the drive back to Sandusky. Usually it wouldn't be an issue on Thursdays since I almost invariably talk to Christiana on my cell phone as I drive back, but she wasn't available when I called, so I just had me and the dark roadways on the return journey. Fortunately, I didn't fall asleep at the wheel (although I was nodding off and catching myself pretty regularly ), and I got into the house and settled down fairly soon.

It was by far not a very good day on a lot of fronts, but the time with my friends was an incredible help in keeping make sane. Under better circumstances that visit might have lifted my spirits for the next week, but even though I'm exhausted now and don't expect to have much lasting effects tomorrow from my visit, I'm grateful that my friends were there to lift me up when I was really down after such a miserable day. It was lucky timing for me, I guess, that we had planned to get together tonight, and I'll certainly take whatever good luck I can get. I just hope I don't have many more crappy days like the rest of today has been, at least not for a while. I had more than enough for my tastes, thank you.

Posted at 1:53 AM

October 29, 2003

I have no idea why I'm so tired, but it's all I can do to stay awake as I type. Maybe it's the fall air; maybe it's the stress I'm putting on myself because of all of my classwork; maybe it's working on these projects so much, morning, noon, and night; and maybe it's just an aspect of my persistent depression - who knows. Any way you look at it, it's annoying and doesn't do much to help me keep up with everything I need to get done.

There's certainly a large part of me that wants to give in and just sleep and sleep and sleep, but I don't have that luxury. Too much stuff to do and too little time makes Paul a sleepy boy. That's just the sad truth of this, I think.

Well, maybe someday I'll be able to sleep. Maybe in December, once the semester is over, I'll just sleep most of the first day or two away to catch up on all of my missed down-time. Ahhh ... December ...

Posted at 1:11 AM

October 28, 2003

Tonight was the season premiere for the third season on 24 on FOX. As I've said in the past in this Journal, this is one kick-ass show; the characters, the acting, the sets, the fierce sense of realism, the cinematography, the amazing writing that makes so many twists and turns and surprises - it's just simply the best thing I've seen on television, possibly ever. This season looks to have quite a lot of potential, and I was into this whole first episode immensely. That's actually an even better sign than my rabid enthusiasm for the show might suggest, too. I clearly remember that I wasn't too impressed with the first few episodes of season two - they weren't bad, and I still was watching every week and appreciating the show, but I didn't have the attitude of "Oh, wow, that was fuckin' kick-ass!" which I'd had after every episode in the first season. In fact, it took me until the fifth or sixth episode to feel that way last year, even though everything after that was fantastic. So for this season to start of impressing me already, just with the first episode, bodes well for how fucking awesome the whole season should be.

It was fortunate that 24 was on tonight (well, and One Tree Hill, which I've been watching since it started earlier this season. It's good, but now I'll have to tape it while I watch24). The rest of my day was just dragging by. I was tired all day, unenthusiastic, and having so much fun working on my thesis and other classwork (that sentence employed sarcasm, by the way. Sorry for not posting a warning earlier). So at least the evening ended well.

Actually, the morning started well, also. My favorite online author, Ty, posted a new chapter for Storm Front, the best online gay love story I've ever read, and it was an excellent chapter. Ty has been posting new chapters with amazing rapidity and regularity, something he hasn't done in years, and it's great to have more and more of this phenomenal story to read. So having a fix today was sweet. Gimme more, Ty, gimme more.

Posted at 11:13 PM

October 27, 2003

Busy, busy, busy. I was up at 6 AM today, trying to get more classwork completed. Some is done, much still remains. I still have a lot to do on my Thesis before Wednesday, and I still have to develop a new poem by Wednesday for workshop (although I have started tinkering with something).

What pisses me off is that I got a huge reading assignment today for Wednesday, a handout of numerous pages that I had no idea to expect. So while I had planned to spend all day tomorrow working on my Thesis, I have to divert time to this reading, all because my Tech Writing professor has no sense of organization and can't make a syllabus for her class. Most of the time I just deal with this sort of thing, but it's just not always possible to fit in these last-minute assignments without fucking up everything else. I'm still pretty frustrated by the whole thing.

On the plus side, I stopped by Meijer on the way back to Sandusky, and I bought a new pair of Airwalks. These have a great, incredibly flexible sole, just like the old Airwalks that I used to love. That first pair of Airwalks I had were the most comfortable and durable shoes I've ever had (and they looked sweet as well). I still wear that pair occasionally, but they have a pretty significant hole worn through one sole, so I can't wear them in a whole lot of situations. The next pair (which I also still wear) are comfortable but very rigid, with very thick, solid soles. They're so thick and durable that they'll probably last forever, but they aren't nearly as wonderfully comfortable as that first pair. Hopefully this new pair will have that same sort of relaxed comfort once they're broken in. Besides, my Converse All Stars have a hole wearing through the sole, and that's the signal of the end being near. That was the inspiration for the new Airwalks - that and seeing them at Meijer by chance last week when my grandma and I were grocery shopping here in Sandusky. I just had to talk myself into buying them before I picked up this pair in Bowling Green.

I had dinner with Jon and Erin and Sara and Jill again as well, tonight - that was well before going to Meijer, but I just mention it because it was another nice point in the day. Nothing big, really, but comfortable, light-hearted talk while we all munched away. Hopefully we'll do this more often.

Posted at 1:38 AM

October 26, 2003

Among my various class assignments of reading and writing for next week, I finished James Weldon Johnson's Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man. I'm still thinking about it, really. It's a short novel about light-skinned blacks "passing" as white so as not to be so underprivileged in early 20th century society as most blacks were due to discrimination and white supremacy. It is an eloquent look at society at the time, and while it makes a clear statement about equality best being gained by acceptance and appreciation of people of color, it also includes some ugly statements about the condemnation of a certain segment of black society under every observation. I've said it before and I'll say it again - equality can only be held and appreciated by any person if equality is enjoyed by every person. Celebrating Frederick Douglas and Booker T. Washington, as this book does, is great and very warranted, but doing so while viewing the black equivalent of "white trash" as undeserving of equality is a slap in the face to all of those pioneers of equal rights for African-Americans, and such attitudes inevitably push true equality further and further away from achieving reality.

While this book was published in 1915, I can't help but feel that many of these same attitudes continue to be prevalent in today's society. While it is true that I am a Dreamer, I am also a cynic and, to some extent, a pragmatist - I can see the problems and the fears, but there is only one sane course of action. No one is better than anyone else, and we must all realize our comparable strengths and weaknesses, our equality, if this world of individuals is ever to come together as brothers and sisters of humanity. This is an achievable goal, and nothing else any of us do in this life can ever be more important. Why do so few people seem to understand this.

Posted at 10:33 PM

October 25, 2003

I love my grandma, but I'm sorry - it should not take - EVER - over three hours to shop for groceries, particularly at just one store. With a list. Without any coupons. I can't believe this is how it is every trip.

In other news, it sucks to be alone. A lot. I need a boyfriend to cuddle and love really bad. Really, really bad.

Posted at 11:29 PM

October 24, 2003

So my extension for my first draft of my thesis was due today. Ummm ... well ... I did manage to turn something in ... just after 7 PM ... and not really as complete as I wanted ... but the full range of my thesis argument is there, through and through and in a very organized, flowing format with plenty of supporting citations from my primary and secondary sources. And heck, it was 30 pages, even in that somewhat incomplete form (I only was required to turn in 20 pages, and the final thesis is expected to be only 25 pages or more). So I'm moving along on it, anyhow. I want to put in a lot more work this weekend on it, and I'm finally at a point where it really is coming together well. At least there's that ...

In other, much happier news, my copy of the new Mac operating system, OS X v10.3, Panther, arrived today. I won't have the time to do the install the way I want until winter break (I want to do a complete reformat and reinstall this time since it's been a while since I've done a full, clean OS update), but I'm really excited about having it - and I even got it for about half price with my education discount. Cool beans!

Posted at 10:18 PM

 

October 23, 2003

I stopped by Chris' place on the way to the reading tonight. I had promised to loan him my overhead projector and ... yes, I said I loaned him my overhead projector. Why doesn't everybody have their own? (except Chris, of course?). Anyhow, I loaned him my overhead projector for an art project he wants to create. He had mentioned, when we had coffee last Thursday, that he was going to try to borrow one from campus, but I offered mine - so here I was tonight fulfilling my promise. He was quite pleased with getting that, and he was looking good. For whatever reasons, he looks incredibly well rested and happy this semester, much more than I remember from Spring (or maybe even last Fall). It's good to see him so relaxed and content. It's comforting to me to see my friends happy. Chris fixed me some tea and we talked for a while, including a little chatting with Adam, who was visiting (and as adorable as ever ... speaking of which, Chris is really quite good looking as well, although in a completely different way than Adam, but I never see him in "that way" because I've come to see him as a friend (and formerly as a friend who's attached to someone, and therefore off limits for looking at "that way"), and seeing him as a friend has left no reason to change to being a potential love interest. Anyhow, we had tea, chatted, and then I had to rush to the readings (where the MFA poet for the evening was okay, but not that great, but the MFA fiction writer was pretty kick ass).

During the drive home and for another hour after I got back, I talked to Christiana by phone. We did our normal recap of our weeks and the ups and downs of things, but we went on a bit of a diversion with Christiana getting on me to: seek therapy, come out to my family, tell my family about the sexual abuse I suffered from my father when I was a child, to actively seek people out, and ... well, it went on from there. We go through this stuff every once in a while, and believe it or not, I appreciate her every time she gets going. She only wants the best for me, and she pushes me to do things that I really do need to do. Sometimes, with her support, I move forward and act on something like this. A lot of time, I'm still too terrified or freaked to do anything, but each time we talk about these things I get a bit closer to acting. It's hard to face a lot of this stuff, but it needs to be done. And Christiana is a good enough friend that she won't just keep silent and blow smoke up my ass about how everything will be fine or will work itself out. And at the same time, Christiana knows not to push me too often, keeping me from resenting her. She's a good friend, and while our call didn't end on an exactly happy note, it was still good to talk to her.

Written Posted at 2:16 AM

October 22, 2003

Well, I've had a reprieve ... of sorts ... and it's a good thing, too, because I wasn't near close enough to turn in something for my thesis. As it turns out, I was the only person not to have a first draft ready to turn in (which didn't surprise me, really), but Phil (my prof) was generous and let me have 'til Friday to get it to him. Of course that means I have to pull everything together by Friday, now, so the next couple of days will still be hell, but I have a chance now ... of sorts.

I still have a fair amount of work to put together, but it may be feasible. Tomorrow will be the telling day, for sure. If I can get where I want to be tomorrow, then I can use a large chunk of Friday to get things arranged and cogent enough to turn it in, and that's as much as I'm hoping for.

Now I just have to make some serious progress tomorrow. But first, maybe a little sleep (emphasis on the little).

Posted at 1:46 AM

October 21, 2003

Soooooooooooo ...

My completed first draft of my thesis is due tomorrow and, wonder of wonders, there's no chance it will be ready. I've worked a lot these past few days, getting up early and working late into the night, but I'm not far enough along that any more work tonight (or the work I'll do early tomorrow before heading to class) will get me even close. It sucks.

Part of me is dreading how Phil will react, but most of me is just disappointed in myself and frustrated.

The only non-stressful item for the day is that my mom left today, headed back to Florida. It wasn't so much of a week from hell as I might have feared, but her presence just added to the stress on a bunch of levels. With her gone, a little pile of stress leaves as well, and that's pretty sad considering I barely had any time to spend with her anyhow. But heck, any less stress is to be greatly appreciated at this point, so I should enjoy what I can.

Posted at 9:51 PM

 

October 20, 2003

I had dinner tonight with some of my fellow students from the Creative Writing program: Jonathan, Sara, Jill, Erin, and Josiah. I don't usually do that, but Sara invited me over, and that was nice. We all chatted and joked for a while (half of them were just then critiquing stories for our Fiction Workshop less than an hour later), and it was different being with these people that I work with in class and talk to but don't connect with as friends. I realize, just looking at them, that they're different from me, all of them approximately fifteen years younger than me, idealistic, and happy with their lives. They see the world differently than me; I can see it in their poems and stories; I can hear it in their voices; and I can feel it in my being. I'm happy for them, but I envy them, too.

Sara said something rather upsetting, though. It was just a passing, innocent remark, and I'm sure she didn't really even mean it in more than a joking way, but she told me that I "look like I hate everybody" when I look at people in class. While I want to think that she was indeed just toying with me, I can't help but be concerned about this now. I've always been very low on self-confidence, and it has constantly been a problem for me that anything negative anyone says about me lodges in my brain and becomes part of what I see as a weakness, a failing, or a problem in myself. I can't help it, really. It doesn't even matter if it comes from a person I dislike and don't give any credibility, I still worry that the flaw they expose is truly a part of me, and I still, even now, beat myself up for having shortcomings that people have mentioned over the course of my life, even if it was just mentioned only once. So now I have to wonder if it's true, that I give people hateful looks (albeit inadvertently), and I have to wonder what people think of me if that really is the case. Is that why nobody gets close to me or wants to get to know me? Is that why I'm alone? Am I scaring people off? It's quite frustrating.

AS if I haven't had enough crap on my mind.

Written Posted at 12:09 AM

 

October 19, 2003

Regardless of the fact that I have begun writing my arguments and made my way through a lot of the sources I'm using for my Senior Thesis, there is a tremendous amount more to get done. So much more, in fact, that I find almost no way that I can have my complete first draft done by Wednesday, which is, of course, the day I'm supposed to turn it in. I have no idea how much I'll get done, but Phil (who's running the workshop for Senior Theses) was quite vocal that things must be turned in as required and on time. That may potentially mean that he'll drop my grade or who-knows-what. In any case, it won't likely do anything for my already frazzled nerves and stress.

Being so behind on this and other projects isn't my normal style. I'm usually at least a bit ahead, and I usually have time to do even things that are assigned at the last minute, but that hasn't been the case at any point this semester. As a consequence, I'm getting more and more stressed as the semester goes on, each project that gets finished just under the wire nearly brining on panic attacks, each project that falls horribly behind adding a constant stress to all of those other stresses that I carry with me. The more stresses, the merrier, right?

Written Posted at 1:38 AM

October 18, 2003

I finished a story today so that I have something to turn in on Wednesday for my Fiction Workshop. I'm not really happy with it for a number of reasons, but I guess I should be satisfied that at least it's done. I've had all of these great ideas for longer stories (this had to be 10-25 pages, double-spaced, maximum), but I can't turn in something longer, regardless of how good the ideas and writing may be, and I just don't have the time to write down these great ideas with all of the other schoolwork that needs to be done. In fact, I still have to write just about all of my Senior Thesis to be turned in Wednesday, a first draft of 20-25 pages of critical writing, and that will take every spare minute I have left to even come close to completing. It's just no end of fun.

This story that I wrote is in a fantasy context, and that's part of what bothers me. I used to really be into fantasy books and fantasy stories, and I had whole long stories and adventures and worlds worked out in my mind. I played Dungeons & Dragons and made my own scenarios, and I could imagine various fantasy scenarios very easily. When I decided to go back to school in Creative Writing, though, my focus was different, and I wanted to write about people in the real world; I wanted to write about how rough things are here and how people overcome their troubles, not how some fantasy person does heroic and romantic things and always wins against seemingly extraordinary odds. It seemed more important to me to write about the real world and about the struggles of people to get through life. With this story, I fall back on an old way of writing, in a lot of ways, and I'm not thrilled with that. Unfortunately, great ideas for stories have been coming to me for weeks, but they're all too long for this assignment. With time drawing short I had to write something, and this is what came out. That's not how a writer should write - they should write the story that really means something to them, that lives inside their mind, but I can't do that with the longer works that have been coming to me. So instead, I turn out something I don't really appreciate, something that doesn't really live for me.

The story's not crap, to be sure. I feel I have some good descriptive settings and some clear characterization of the central figure, even making him easy for readers to love and hate at the same time and thus being a bit more interesting, but the story just doesn't have the kind of punch that I've felt with other ideas that have been forming in my head. That really disappoints me, and it makes me almost resent this story for being so much less than I know I can create. I'm not even sure that my classmates will get anything out of it in workshop. A lot of times fantasy is written off immediately as low brow writing without merit and is never even truly read for its story or writing style after that first impression. And if I myself am not proud of this piece or excited, then why should I expect that anyone else will be? I just would have liked something more.

I'm wondering when a time will ever come that I'll have the opportunity to write longer works uninterrupted. Part of me doubts it will even come to be. School will always keep me bogged down, and even once I finally graduate, a teaching job is likely to suck up all of my time as well. It's not very encouraging, really. I mean, what's the point in dedicating myself to becoming a writer if I don't ever have time to write?

It just all sucks sometimes.

Posted at 12:12 AM

October 17, 2003

Last night was a nice break with another evening at Big Boy, chatting with Laura and Chris about what's going on in our lives and in the world. Laura cut out around 11 and Chris and I left just after Midnight, and we talked about a whole bunch of stuff. Laura had been repeatedly stung by a ground hornet last weekend and was still somewhat in pain, and she also had just finished grading and returning her first batch of essays for her English Composition students. She's been busy with classes and teaching, but she's just thrilled with playing with her new Powerbook in every free minute. In fact, she went on and on (which much encouragement and additions from me) about how great her Powerbook is, and OS X, and her iPod, and Apple's Keynote software - we were just completely in the Apple Computer happy zone, even though we lost Chris pretty quickly regarding what we were talking about.

Chris, on the other hand, is working out a lot of great new ideas for art projects, telling me what he's been trying and what he's still thinking about ways of doing. He also told me about visiting the Islamic Mosque in Toledo to view their artwork, and he was excited to talk about a contemporary artist who is visiting campus, an artist that Chris really has been impressed by. Chris has been really supportive of me this semester, and I feel like we've really connected this semester, even as rarely as we've been able to get together. It's finally clear that Chris and I are really friends, not just acquaintances who hang around each other because of Heather. And without Heather around, there's nobody to interrupt us from talking to each other and learning more about each other. As impressed as I've been with Chris for a while now, I'm even more amazed now with the more I find out.

On the drive home (and for over an hour after I g0ot home) I talked to Christiana by phone. Life is treating her well and she's finding her groove in graduate school. While there are still things that are frustrating to her, she has been working things out and making things better on a regular basis. I'm happy for her because she is really excited about her classes, not even just this semester but in coming semesters. Heck, she's even incredibly excited about her Master's Thesis, something that isn't due for two years. If only I had such enthusiasm about classes (or anything, for that matter), I can't imagine how much more happy and productive I'd be. I guess I do alright, though. I could certainly be doing much more poorly.

Even though we're not meeting every week and even though there aren't as many people around that I consider my friends, here in a readily accessible support network, I do truly appreciate the people that are here. These little get-togethers and phone calls somehow manage to keep me going. They're big pick-me-ups, and they're just what I need.

Posted at 11:55 PM

October 16, 2003

Following Saturday's National Coming Out Day, the BGSU campus gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and supportive group (VISION), has been running a Coming Out Week on campus, something they do every year. They are a strong group, not militant or loud, who regularly post flyers about their meetings, have information booths set up occasionally in the Student Union, and host dances and other functions for gay and straight students throughout the year. They are a very positive group with good results.

One of the things VISION does during Coming Out week is set up tables outside with information and cordon off an area behind them in the grass. This area has signs posted that tell you this area displays "Live Homosexual Acts." Throughout the day, various members of VISION play football in this area or throw a frisbee or eat or sit and talk - just a bunch of homosexuals, live and up close, acting like anybody else. The signs are sort of provocative, initially, but they get some attention, and they certainly make a point.

Invariably, however, there are always idiots who don't get it or who are just simply homophobic bigots - this is the Midwest after all, and tolerance for any minority always seems to be hard-won. These opinion articles in the BGNews (the campus newspaper) really bothered me, though. Fortunately, some responses have already been posted in today's BGNews. Here are the articles that bothered me. First this ignorant fool:

Coming Out Week makes a spectacle of those participating
Adam Heffelfinger
Guest Column

Leaving my history class at Olscamp on Monday, I could not help but notice that it is officially and certainly "Coming Out Week" here on campus. The last thing I want is to be accused of being a bigot, and though I am using the Coming Out Week "festivities" as a springboard, I do not want to appear to be attacking the homosexual community of BGSU. I am addressing acts committed by the college democrats, college republicans and the University ACLU as well.

The scene awaiting me Monday was that of a large chunk of grass caution-taped off from the rest of the flow of traffic. This area was labeled as some sort of area of freedom for all homosexuals. Also setting the scene was a huge array of sidewalk chalkings in, unsurprisingly, a rainbow of colors and a few people hanging around in support. And though I thought it was well intended, the entire ordeal seemed a bit too forced and a bit too extreme for me.

It's times like Coming Out Week that make me yearn for a "Heterosexual and Proud" parade of some kind. I would not want such a parade simply because I am proud of my sexual orientation -- as I am, on the contrary, quite indifferent about it. I would, however, hope that such an event would properly satirize and put into perspective the silliness of some of "protests" I've witnessed on campus this year.

It seems to me that if you think a parade, protest, march, rally or graffiti or smear campaign is what you need to further your cause, you have more important things to worry about than your inability to raise awareness. Many of the actions taken by groups on campus have been unnecessary pleas for attention and controversy that have underscored the ridiculousness of the groups themselves. I am not referring to the use of sidewalk chalk for simple advertising, but I think recent events make it easily apparent that some of these things have simply gone too far.

For a few days earlier this year I seriously contemplated creating a group whose sole purpose was to satirize the actions of these radically vocal organizations. My group's first order of business was to be the reading of children's literature during the ACLU's reading of banned books. Sarcasm, satire and humor may be the best methods of showing such rallies for what they are. If the acts of my group were intended to look ridiculous, but also happened to look just like the acts of other organizations, maybe the members of these organizations would start to connect the dots.

In the esteemed tradition of the college campuses of the 1960s, these groups seem bent on changing policy and public opinion through chaos, anarchy and, at the very least, civil disobedience. In doing so, these groups are unfortunately skipping steps like discussion and unheated debate. The way I see it, an action of intelligence, calm, and level-headedness will always be more likely to sway critics and dissenters than any act of sheer emotion could.

Surely a few posters and an information booth could get the word out in a manner that would be far more persuading and far less annoying than staging a carnival of protest and free speech. I always take more seriously the groups that ask me for an ear than those who try to demand it. The people I have the most respect for are the ones who want my support and try to earn it, rather than simply threatening to march around with screaming rhetoric catchphrases and waving banners if I don't give it to them.

To those behind the circus that became the first day of Coming Out Week, I have to wonder if a more subtle and levelheaded approach was considered before the fist-in-the-air demonstration was decided upon. Could not your opinions, your cultures and your orientations have been expressed in a slightly less bombastic way? And to all other campus organizations planning over the top rallies to protest, raise awareness or otherwise advertise your cause, please think twice before making an unnecessary scene or those who are sick of hearing it just may organize and bring on the satire.

And then this one from a guy who claims that he's gay (but I think he's just a straight bigot who says that so that he seems more credible):

Coming Out Week is a joke
Letter to the Editor

I'm writing to address a problem that has become very visible. While walking on campus today, I was disgusted, if not offended, by the "live homosexual acts." I feel comfortable saying this, as I am an openly gay male.

I beg the members of our campus and our world, do not judge and/or categorize all homosexuals by what you saw on our campus, and by what you will undoubtedly see the rest of "Coming Out Week."

I can sincerely say I do not understand the significance behind "Coming Out Week." Is there a "we're straight" week? Or how about "Live Heterosexual Acts." How offensive would that be? I can understand celebrating differences, but must these differences be flaunted? Why should someone be proud of being gay? Is someone from "the other side" proud of being straight? I don't see sexuality as an affair that must be conducted with pride.

Notwithstanding, this doesn't mean sexuality must be hidden behind an iron curtain; but must it be displayed on a placard and marched around the Education Building?

In conclusion, stop! It's heinously annoying and to be honest, no one cares. Perhaps they would if you went about it in a mature, civilized way, which appealed to the intellect, but in all honesty, you're begging to be ridiculed.

Barrett W. Evans

So those are pretty ignorant and hateful. Here's today's responses, likely the first of many such letters contending the above stupidity. One is from a VISION member, one from a gay campus student, one from a student who benefited from VISION's Coming Out Week in the past, and one which is sort of related, slamming Bush's support of the Defense of Marriage bullshit.

Imagine that you were living inside a closet
Letter to the Editor - Jeanette Beal

Imagine a world where your existence on earth is questioned, judged, moralized and often times objectified. Imagine living in fear of the society in which you were raised, socialized and conditioned to accept. Imagine living in fear of your family, friends, co-workers and social/religious groups. Imagine all of this happens because of a fraction of what makes you unique and individualistic.

Hopefully all you had to do was imagine. Perhaps you thought of refugees seeking asylum because of a cruel governmental rule or a religious minority fleeing persecution. Maybe, just maybe you pictured a significant percent of the world's population ---- people similar to yourself ---- people who may very well be related to you, work with you, study with you, live near you and are going through a situation similar to what was described. What was described is indeed a real life scenario drawn from the silent and spoken stories of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and straight supportive (allies to the GLBT+ community) folks both of the University and abroad.

Why do these people live in fear? Why wouldn't they? Bombarded on a daily basis by the evil, wicked and "not quite right-ness" of who they are, GLBT+ folks learn to live two lives: one in which they are what society wants and one in which they are who they need to and must be. Yet, some decide to embrace who they are, as whole people: not just a sexuality or gender(less) person and "come out" as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, questioning or straight supportive. Braving the unknown, these people bust out of their "closet" and live life to the fullest; free of their own boundaries.

Vision, the University's undergraduate gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, questioning and straight supportive student organization would like to applaud those individuals who are willing to "come out" as who they are and to honor these individuals in sponsoring Coming Out Week.

This week is Coming Out Week in response to the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Day, which was October 11. Be sure to check out Vision's website at http://beam.to/vision or call the Vision office at (419) 372-0555 for more information on this week's events. Also, feel free to check out the Human Rights Campaign website for more information on National Coming Out Day and for resources on NCD at http://www.hrc.org. Be free to be you. Happy Coming Out Day.

 

Success, Coming Out events are acknowledged
Letter to the Editor - Anthony Papini

This letter is regarding Adam Heffelfinger's column "Coming Out Week makes a spectacle of those participating." Mr. Heffelfinger makes several flawed and heterosexist statements that I feel need to be addressed.

First, Heffelfinger stated that he would "yearn for a 'Heterosexual and Proud' parade of some kind." Straight individuals get their "parade" every day of the year. Whereas many LGBT people are forced to remain in the closet; hiding their sexual orientation while heterosexuals are free to parade their sexuality and their lifestyle at will.

A straight couple can hold hands or kiss anywhere on campus without fear of criticism. However, if two same-sex individuals were to do the same thing, they would most likely be harassed. Who has the privilege there? What he should be "sick of hearing" is how many ignorant laws are being passed that prevent LGBT people from having equal rights.

Second, his claim that this week is silly and that satirizing or mocking Coming Out Week is a proper response is equally offensive. LGBT individuals, just like many other underrepresented groups are frequently ignored by others and their issues go unaddressed. If it were not for the remarkable individuals who work with Vision, many LGBT students would feel lost, alone and would probably consider leaving the University. Research has shown that without a positive and supportive campus environment, students will leave the institution.

I would like to conclude by thanking Adam Heffelfinger and all the other students on this campus who took the time to notice the Coming Out Week events. It goes to show that our "carnival of protest and free speech" got your attention and helped you to realize that we are here, we are queer and we are proud to be out and be noticed. No poster could have ever done that, so thank you for noticing.

 

Coming Out Week offers a lot of support
Guest Columnist - Ryan Earhart

Anyone who knows me and reads this will probably be somewhat shocked, but not because I'm gay. I am politically active, but I am more likely to be found fighting for women's rights or the environment than gay rights. I would never consider myself part of the "Queer community." I don't even really agree with everything Vision does, but sometimes a person just has to stand up and speak for what is right.

The summer before I came to Bowling Green, I went to New York. It was such an incredible experience for me. I remember how cool it was to see so many different kinds of people living in one area. This was something I would never see in Ohio. Luckily, I happened to be there at the right time to see something extraordinary: a gay pride parade.

It certainly was not what I was expecting. While the parade was a big spectacle, it also showed a new side of homosexuality. I saw gay lawyers, gay bikers, gay librarians and even gay midgets. Yes, nearly every type of person you could think of had their own float or spot in the parade. They marched on happy, festive and proud. It was so exciting. Then came the part that really hit close to home, the gay students banner.

It was like looking in a mirror, except I couldn't be proud. I lived in Ohio, after all and there seemed to be no gay people in Ohio. I was all alone ... no parade, no float and no gay students banner.

I thought about that parade for a long time. I was envious of all those people. They lived in the big city and everyone had a place to go and feel comfortable. Differences were being celebrated and people were happy. I came to Bowling Green realizing life would not be like that. There would be no one else like me. I had a plan though. I would wait until after I had graduated and move someplace as open as New York. Someplace I could be happy and open.

My first few days at Bowling Green were wonderful. Soon, a turning point in my life would occur. Between classes, I enjoyed sitting outside of the old union to watch the crowds. While sitting there one day, I looked over and saw something interesting going on. There were balloons and rainbow colored ribbons being put up. I was curious and checked things out. Apparently it was some sort of gay coming out day. I skipped classes that day to watch what was going on. They were there all day long ---- other people just like me. I didn't talk to them, but a week later I came out.

Here I am five years later. I have never attended a Vision meeting, I've never protested for gay rights and you'll never catch me waving a rainbow flag in front of the education building. But I can now hold my head high. I can hold my boyfriend's hand in public and I have no shame in who I am. I need to thank the people of Vision for that. I realized that no matter where I go, be it one of the largest cities in the world or a cornfield in the middle of Ohio ---- I am not alone.

I believe that is the point of Coming Out Week. Some of you may disagree with the cause and I am sure many of you disagree with the lifestyle. But this week isn't about you. It's about everyone out there who is confused with his or her life. It's about that young freshman who feels he is alone in the world. It's about the being yourself and being happy with your life.

As for those of you that find it offensive to see a bunch of homosexuals prancing around with a football: oh well. Many in the gay community find it offensive to walk through downtown Bowling Green and being called a "fag." Many of you will never accept my lifestyle and many will cringe if you ever see me kiss my boyfriend. Oh well. We're here. We're (for the sake of rhyme) Queer. Get used to it.

Bush "protects marriages"
Opinion Columnist - Zach Herman

As if Yom Kippur, Daylight Savings Time and National Boss' Day were not enough to keep the calendar-conscious citizen occupied, a nonprofit organization has given America another reason to celebrate in October. The nonprofit American Family Association, in conjunction with the for-profit President George W. Bush, has declared this week "Marriage Protection Week."

Some may argue that marriage faces no specific threat and does not need a presidential proclamation to ensure its continued viability. The AFA would disagree. According to the official Marriage Protection Week Web site, marriage is "under attack" from pro-homosexual activists who wish to "force, by law, 97 percent of Americans to bow down to the desires of the approximately three percent who are homosexuals." Those not interested in such an arrangement are directed to the subtly titled nogaymarriage.com, which hosts a petition calling for a constitutional ban on same-sex unions.

The harsh rhetoric does not end there. The AFA site provides another helpful link, this one to Family Research Council, a conservative policy group founded by noted author and moralist James Dobson. The Web site's question-and-answer section provides some insight into the invented scourge of gay marriage, saying that the consequences of homosexual relationships "are far more negative than positive." Furthermore, they say, gay marriage would weaken heterosexual unions by providing an incentive for closeted homosexuals to leave tortuous straight relationships for fulfilling homosexual ones.

To support this offensive claim, the Web site cites a study conducted in Vermont, where same-sex civil unions are legal, that says nearly 40 percent of homosexuals who sought legal sanction for the relationship were once in a heterosexual marriage. What pro-homosexual activists ignore, the site claims, is that "many supposed 'homosexuals' have, in fact, had perfectly functional heterosexual marriages." This disingenuous and deeply flawed statement should give pause to anyone evaluating the Council's position.

The study makes no claim about the health of the heterosexual marriages studied, which invalidates the website's claim of functionality ---- a concept that is vague and open to debate anyway. Secondly, the statement also assumes that homosexuals in straight marriages are less inclined to leave those marriages because they cannot legally wed a same-sex partner, a hypothesis that may or may not hold water. Most appalling, the literature suggests that the Council prefers a tortuous, dishonest and meaningless heterosexual union to a stable and loving homosexual one. So much for the "traditional family values" the group claims to support.

The White House press release is more delicate in its presentation of the ideals behind Marriage Protection Week, claiming a desire to "build strong families" and "create a compassionate, welcoming society, where all people are treated with dignity and respect." Still, the Bush administration's endorsement of these hateful, exclusionary groups is frightening. The morality of gay marriage is irrelevant in this debate. Gay marriage will not signal the breakdown of the family and will not plunge our country into moral chaos, no matter what the radical family values groups say. As the Council's own Web site states, "Laws relating to marriage merely recognize and regulate an institution that already exists."

Homosexual relationships already exist, and pious proselytizing will not change that. The legalization of gay marriage merely recognizes that, while some may disagree with the actions of others, we respect their right to choose that action for themselves and afford them the equal protection promised in the Constitution. For now, President Bush should worry less about protecting marriage and more about protecting jobs, the environment and the troops in Iraq. Anything else would suggest misplaced priorities.

Posted at 11:39 AM

 

October 15, 2003

My mother arrived yesterday, somehow managing to break herself free from the months of frenzied work on my parents' new house in Florida (which doesn't make sense to me - they're retired and without obligations; why work so hard that they don't even have time to read the paper each day?). But she's here and will be for a week. I have trepidation about her whole visit because I'm still displeased with her about how she was trying to force my grandmother into selling her house and moving to Florida with them, leaving behind her whole life and spending her own money to pay for their house. I guess I just hold grudges too long, and I can't let this drop. Add to that the various things I've been finding out about over the last few months as my grandmother slips and tells me something that she's "not supposed to tell me" about my mom or dad. Honestly, nothing surprises me anymore, and it's hard for them to do anything that would make me see them as any lower than they already are. But, twisted as it may be, my mom is still my mom, and that somehow stands for something. I don't really know why since I anxiously await my father's death and wouldn't even mind a front row seat to the moment so I could form a cheering section, rooting on Death to take his sorry ass to hell. But this isn't about my dad, it's about my mom and her visit.

So I fixed a very nice, full dinner for all of us last night, and we chatted for a while. I really don't have much to say to her, though. I don't feel connected to her, and I don't trust her, and I see no way of ever viewing her as a child should, so it all feels weird. I had studying to do after dinner last night, and of course I was away at classes nearly all day today. I chatted briefly before and after classes today, but it was all just empty conversation to be polite. It's not like it's uncomfortable, but it's just empty talk with no substance or importance. And I have a whole week of this to look forward to.

Written Posted at 2:13 AM

October 14, 2003

Ah, the beauty of the American system, with its three branches of government. Even as fucked up as things can be from an Emperor screwing the American people (and the world) from the Presidency, the administrative branch; even as dicked as we all are by a Republican-controlled Congress, a legislative branch that doesn't give a damn about the needs of the people; even as fucked up as those two major parts of the government may be, there is still hope - the courts.

The Supreme Court decided one case today and accepted three others, all of which are of immediate importance to the American people, not simply for their own cases but for the far-reaching effects they will have on related legislation. Earlier in the year, the Supreme Court rocked previous sodomy rulings, setting the stage for all remaining sodomy laws to be overturned and thereby removing a stumbling block that has held back a variety of gay rights. Other interesting and important decisions have been made during this session of the Supreme Court as well, although perhaps none as controversial as today's verdict may be.

The Supreme Court today decreed that the federal government could not punish or dictate to doctors who wish to prescribe medical marijuana, opening the door for legalized prescription use in appropriate medical cases. While I'm not a fan of recreation pot usage, I do not think it should be outlawed (alcohol is much more prevalent a problem, if legislators want to criminalize something), but more importantly, marijuana has very important medical uses and needs to be allowed.

Supreme Court rejects White House appeal over medical marijuana

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Supreme Court justices on Tuesday rejected the Bush administration's request to consider whether the federal government can punish doctors for recommending or even discussing the use of marijuana for their patients.

The decision by the High Court cleared the way for state laws allowing ill patients to smoke marijuana if a doctor recommends it.

The dispute pits free speech rights against efforts to stamp out use of the popular, but illegal recreational drug. Some in the medical and legal community argue marijuana has true medical value to ease pain and stimulate appetite.

Marijuana is recognized as a controlled substance by the federal government and its use for recreational purposes is banned in most jurisdictions. The federal Office of National Drug Control Policy labels marijuana, along with other addictive drugs, as having "a high potential for abuse," lacking "accepted safety for use," even "under medical supervision."

Nine states have laws legalizing marijuana for people with physician recommendations or prescriptions: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Nevada, Oregon and Washington. And 35 states have passed legislation recognizing marijuana's medicinal value.

California in particular has been at the legal forefront on the issue. A 1996 voter referendum, the Compassionate Use Act, allowed marijuana use by those who receive "the written or oral recommendation or approval of a physician."
Federal law bans marijuana distribution and use under any circumstances.

Tuesday's decision means state laws on the use of medical marijuana will stay in place, at least for the time being, and may encourage other states to pass similar referendums.

Federal health officials had told doctors who recommend or prescribe the substance could risk losing their medical license.

A federal appeals court ruled against the government, saying in its ruling, "physicians must be able to speak frankly and openly to patients." The Justice Department then appealed to the Supreme Court.

In a legal brief to the justices, Solicitor General Theodore Olson said, "The government's efforts ... to warn physicians against conduct that is substantially likely to facilitate and promote the acquisition and use of an unsafe controlled substance having a high potential for abuse and no accepted medical use under federal law do not abridge any First Amendment rights."

But supporters of medical marijuana argue sick people should have a range of options available to them. "Patients deserve access to accurate information about medicinal value in treating pain, nausea, wasting ... and other symptoms of life-threatening diseases," said Graham Boyd of the American Civil Liberties Union, which is representing a group of 15 patients and doctors in the case.

There is also a states' rights issue at play. Supporters of the medical marijuana laws argue Washington has no business trying to block the will of voters.

"It has always been, and should continue to be, the state's role to police the medical profession while balancing the First Amendment rights of doctors and patients," said Daniel Abrahamson of the Drug Policy Alliance. "The federal government's intrusion into this system is unwarranted."

Keith Vines, a prosecutor in San Francisco who used marijuana to combat HIV-related illnesses, was among those who challenged a federal policy put in place during the Clinton administration. That policy requires the revocation of federal prescription licenses of doctors who recommend marijuana.

"If the government is zipping them up, and we're not being told about options, that's negligence," Vines said in a report from The Associated Press.

A continuing debate is whether prescribed marijuana actually benefits patients medically.

"There is a difference between feeling better and actually getting better," said Dr. Andrea Barthwell, deputy director at the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy. "There is no scientific evidence that qualifies smoked marijuana to be called medicine. Further, there is no support in the medical literature that marijuana, or indeed any medicine, should be smoked as the preferred form of administration. The harms to health are simply too great."

The case is Walters v. Conant, case no. 03-0040.

The court has agreed to hear three other cases in coming months, all of which will have major ramifications. One case will examine new laws which allow unlimited, unsubstantiated searches of any vehicle entering the U.S. from Mexican and Canadian borders. This law is similar to other Patriot Act legislation that allows vehicular searches without warrants or probable cause. While it isn't a sure thing that the courts will rule against such laws, it seems likely and is a great first shot against many similar laws which claim to help fight terrorism but simply strip individuals of their rights. Another case will revisit Net Porn laws which seek to protect children from viewing objectionable adult materials but which consequently make it difficult if not impossible for adults to view the same material. While I am firmly on the side of limiting the access of children to porn (young children, anyhow - teenagers should have access to help answer questions, in my mind), I still have to side with the protection of free speech, and limiting what can be made available on the net is a clear denial of free speech. The Supreme Court has ruled on these laws before, limiting their scope, and it is likely to do so again. The third case finally looks at the issue of having (making) children recite the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools. I agree with those who are bringing the suit that the pledge forces certain views upon all children, namely a Judeo-Christian fundamentalism, and that is a conflict against the U.S. Constitution's prohibition of promoting a state religion (separation of church and state). My own opinion is that the court has to rule against the pledge, but either way the results will be monumentally important.

The courts may well be our last hope. Not only are these cases running through the Supreme Court of incredible importance, but even smaller courts have tremendously important cases, such as this case in Texas which will challenge the gerrymandering that was just committed by the Republican-controlled state house as they seek to gain seven more seats in the federal Congress through new, heavily Republican districts. I personally hope that the courts hang them from the highest trees and show their illegal acts for what they are.

Texas Democrats challenge redistricting map in court

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- Democrats filed a motion in federal court seeking to prohibit the state from implementing the new Republican-backed congressional redistricting map, an attorney said Tuesday.

The motion, filed in federal court in Tyler on Sunday night, alleges that the map is illegal, attorney Gerry Hebert said. The map had received final approval in the Legislature earlier Sunday.

Democratic lawmakers have argued that the map violates the voting rights of minorities.

The motion was filed in Tyler because that court in 2001 drew the congressional redistricting map that is now in effect, Hebert said.

"We think that any proposal to change the court's map ought to be dealt with by that court," said Hebert, who represents Democrats in the Texas Legislature and Texas' congressional delegation.

Republican Gov. Rick Perry signed the bill into law Monday.

Under the plan, Republicans could win as many as seven additional seats in the state's congressional delegation, which Democrats now dominate 17-15.

Republicans pushed for new congressional districts this year even though it was a non-census year, saying that lawmakers -- not judges -- should be drawing the boundaries. Democrats wanted to keep the existing districts.

Posted at 9:42 PM

October 13, 2003

Lucky 13 today, huh? Well, whatever.

I saw Chris in the library today and we chatted for a bit. That was certainly quite nice, but that was by far the highlight of my day.

It's a certainty that I shouldn't bitch about my life so much because things could definitely be a lot worse - I could be homeless or starving or in constant physical pain or whatever; I'm not, and I should be grateful for that. I guess I am, even, but that doesn't stop me from hurting and feeling empty and useless and alone and unwanted. How happy can you really be about life when you feel like that? Well I'll tell you - not much.

I've gotten so depressed today that I'm actually physically aching and tired. It's just too heavy a weight upon me today, and I can't really bear it.

But somehow I'll manage. Somehow I'll survive until tomorrow. Somehow. How's that for optimism?

Posted at 10:02 PM

October 12, 2003

Well, nothing like near-panic to make me worry less about being so far behind in my classwork. I started having problems with my computer last night, the first problems I've had in a year or so (and the last problems were nothing). I couldn't get my files to open because the computer thought they were open under different users (I'm the only user); I couldn't save the files that I could open; I couldn't print; and my available disk space on my hard drive just magically dropped by about 20GB - nothing big.

I have rectified everything except the hard drive space being seen wrong, and that seems like it will take reinstalling the system to achieve. That in itself isn't a horrible thing since Apple's OSes install pretty quick and easy, but I'd have to reorganize things quite a bit, and I just don't have the time. It's stupid, too - I just ordered OS 10.3 (codename Panther) a couple of days ago, and it will ship on the 24th. I had no problems at all until last night, and I had just restarted my computer for the first time since installing the last update a little less than a week ago (I just put my PowerBook to sleep rather than ever shutting it down, so there wasn't any reason to restart). I can't be sure, of course, that that was the cause, but it's the only thing I've done differently in the last month of computer use. In any case, the new OS will come in a couple of weeks, and that should solve the issue (I certainly hope).

With luck, my adjustments today will keep me going well, but I lost a good part of the day to making these modifications then caring for the yard. I did get some classwork done, but there's still much to go, particularly with my thesis.

Proving once again that just when you think it can't get any worse, it always does. Yea.

Posted at 11:25 PM

October 11, 2003

Happy National Coming Out Day! Do you know where your gay buds are?

It occurred to me today that I don't really have any gay buds anymore. Ken is dead; Jurry's dead; Brian's dead; big Ken and the few minor boyfriends from my life are very distant and out of touch; and even Greg, who I was so close to again for a while, is hardly in touch with me anymore. I used to have a whole bunch of gay friends, people I could go to clubs with or movies, people I could joke with about being gay, camp it up for all sorts of fun or be more serious and talk to the other guys who knew what it was like to be gay and all of the issues that come with that. What I wouldn't give just to have someone to talk to about figuring out who's gay in a crowd or someone to share notes about what celebrities are hot. It's simple stuff, really, but straight people just don't fully get it, no matter how hard they try. Of course it also doesn't help my dating situation any either; if I had gay friends then I would meet their gay friends and so on, and eventually I might meet someone who's interested in me. Heck, that used to work as a way to meet people to date, not so long ago. I'm not even sure where I'd start now. It's so different when you're over 30 in gay society - bars and clubs are almost entirely geared to a younger crowd (and it's not like there are even any clubs here in Sandusky any more, not that I'd go to that scary gay dive that used to be here <shivers>).

Posted at 1:03 AM

October 10, 2003

It would be nice for a decent mood to last for a while, but that's obviously not going to happen. Barely two good days and then I'm back to being down. True, I know that a lot of this is being so weighed down by being behind in my classwork and having so much to do this weekend, but that shouldn't be enough in itself to trump a decent mood.

The truth is, I'm really feeling exceptionally lonely lately, and nothing's really changing that. When's the last time I was even on a date? I'm not even sure I can remember for sure. Sadly, though, I think it was more than a couple years ago when I went out a few times with that loser Josh who just wanted sex and nothing else. Yeah - loser. But at least I was trying then. I don't even see the point now, and that fact is more depressing than anything. All that means is that I'm pretty much destined to be alone and miserable for as long as the powers-that-be want me as some fucked up play toy (you know, some god or gods watching down on me from above and getting a good laugh at all of the fucked up things in my life and how much miserable I am; I'm sure it's a great joke for them).

So I'm not having much to say that won't just sound like, "Life sucks; kill me now." Yeah, just more of the same ole, same ole.

Posted at 11:33 PM

October 9, 2003

We smelled the slightest hint of gas in the basement today; the timing is uncanny since we were already expecting a man to arrive to inspect the furnace. He found a very small leak in a seal at a pipe joint and repaired it, and then did a thorough exam on the furnace. He took nearly forever, and that was after he had arrived quite later than scheduled, but at least now we have heat when we need it, and we won't even blow up from the gas leak or anything.

Other than that, the day has been less than productive. I have tried to make some headway on my classwork - and I did get some stuff competed - but I'm barely making a dent in the huge load of crap. Will I ever get caught up?

By the way, I have to wonder if yesterday went so well because of some good mojo sent by readers of this website. After my brief but depressed statement on Monday, the 7th, one of my readers, Mike, sent me an upbeat e.mail. As I've said before, every little bit helps, and that e.mail made me feel a bit better, but I have to wonder if there was even more, some sort of good karma surrounding me from such thoughts and making yesterday so much better for me. Whatever the case, thanks for the great e.mail. And to all of you who even just had a good thought for me, thanks for the good mojo. There's no doubt that it's all good.

Posted at 12:09 AM

 

October 8, 2003

Believe it or not, today has been possibly the best day of classes all semester. It certainly didn't look to start that way; I woke to my alarm at 5 AM so that I could read essays and stories and write short papers on each. I knew going into it that the 6-8 pages of my Thesis that was supposed to be done wouldn't even get started, but I had some level of hope that I could struggle through the other stuff that I was still behind with. By the time I left for campus, I had a good start but still about 300+ pages of short stories to read and write about between classes (not bloody likely).

So I got to campus, read a bit, and went to Senior Thesis Workshop. As it turns out, Phil, my professor, didn't even want to see what we'd produced so far for our Thesis, he just wanted to offer any advice for problems we were facing in our efforts. I told him my only real problem was time, which is true enough, and he commiserated but didn't cut me much slack. That's as much as I could hope for.

That class let out early, and my next class had talked the prof into giving us the day off (strangely enough), so I had almost two and half hour to read and write the remaining stuff that was due later in the day - still not enough to read all 300+ pages, but it was something. I made some progress, but best of all, I saw Adam.

I rarely see him on campus, having seen him once, earlier this semester, for the only time ever that I had seen him on campus before today. He's clean shaven again, having shaved off the beard he had when I last saw him, and he's as adorable as ever. We chatted briefly, and he was as cute and funny as ever, and seeing him just brightened my day. I read some more and then ran to the nearby computer lab to write about what I'd read, and then I headed to my poetry class.

I had actually composed the first part of a poem in my head during the last part of my drive to campus and then written it down when I was parked, and that was pretty pleasing because it was actually an interesting idea and style, and it's the earliest I've been able to get started on a poem all semester (this one will be for next week). In my Poetry Workshop, I had another poem that I'd composed over the weekend. I was pleased with it, for the most part. It wasn't incredible, but it was interesting and different, and that's pretty good for me. Here's how it goes:

Child’s Play

Satan says step up.
Satan says cover your eyes.
Satan says take two baby-steps backward.
Satan says face your neighbor.
Hate your fellow man.
Satan says you lose.

Play again?

So yeah, it's not too bad. Imagine my surprise, though, when my professor could find nothing to change (except maybe the title), and was so pleased with it that she wanted my permission to show it to her graduate students as an example of a 'game' poem. This is the same lady who hasn't had much appreciation for any of my stuff this semester and who has been harsh on all sorts of poems from everybody in workshop. Today was less negative all around, and the reception for my poem (the last to be workshopped) was very uplifting.

From there, I went to meet with Phil regarding my Thesis and my independent study, Modern Fiction. We talked briefly about the Thesis, but we had some really interesting debate and discussion about the critical essays I'd read about Sister Carrie and the essay about theories of consumerism. We even touched on some of James Joyce's Dubliners, which I'd been reading throughout the day, even though I hadn't yet finished. We covered a lot of ground, and the ideas we discussed from the essays were really interesting. We only met for about an hour, but we covered a lot of ground. As we left, we had some talk about politics and the state of the world, and we both agreed about the sad state of affairs due to the current U.S. administration. Phil and I both have very similar ideas.

From there, I made a quick run to the Student Union for food before my next class. On my way, I passed Adam again, amazingly, and said a brief"Hello" (he was still adorable). A few minutes later, I ran into Chris as he and his fellow glass-blowing students we moving their display of glass artwork from the Union gallery (I had looked in at everything on Monday; Chris had three pieces on display). I helped move a few things and chatted with Chris, and then I had to rush for food since I only had a few minutes before class.

Finally, I had my Fiction Workshop. This also was pleasing, being a much more constructive workshop than we've had all semester. Only half of the class showed up, but we still had some interesting discussion. It was no big deal compared to other highlights from the day (i.e., seeing Adam, praise for my poem, seeing Adam ...), but it made for a truly decent day. I need more of these.

Written Posted at 2:27 AM

October 7, 2003

Wah! Will you even read this if I bitch some more?

Posted at 9:50 PM

October 6, 2003

Another day of classes. Today wasn't quite as bad as other days, partly because we didn't workshop stories in my Fiction Workshop and the attitude in the Poetry Workshop wasn't quite as mean as in the last two weeks. I have been tired and uninspired all day, though. Sure, I did write a new poem and get some reading done, but I am barely making a dent in the mound of work that's overdue/due Wednesday. It's just no fun at all.

I'm in a rut, and being behind like this just makes it seem all the more impossible.

... and the fun just doesn't stop.

Written Posted at 2:47 AM

October 5, 2003

Sarah called me tonight. We haven't spoken in quite a while, and even though I've left a few messages for her that have gone unanswered, she has sent an occasional e.mail as well as posting to my Message Board here on the site. It's because of these little bits of contact that I haven't felt at all the way about her that I had felt about Heather, wondering if she gave a damn about me or what. Sarah always makes a point of reading this Journal now and again, and she is honestly concerned about my well-being. It's taken a while, and I don't really know fully well why she cares so much, but I now accept that she does indeed care and wants to see me happy (or at least not sad), and she is quite happy to keep in touch and want to know what's going on in my life. So her call today was nice, like having a little karmic boost, and it was well-timed considering how tired and down I had been all day. Sadly for Sarah, I was nearly a vegetable, so my side of the conversation was probably not all that compelling. Even so, we did talk for almost an hour, and it was very pleasant.

That was the highlight in my day, though. I feel like I'm mired in a swamp, moving incredibly slowly from one thing to the next with no sign of an exit on the horizon. It sucks, and I'll be more than pleased to see this particular wave of depression leave me the hell alone. That would certainly be helpful.

I also had a brief conversation with my grandmother about religion and how I don't really have any respect or appreciation for any church or branch of any organized religion because they're worse than ruthless businessmen. This led to my grandmother inevitably checking that I still "believe in the Lord," and I had to answer honestly and say that I really just didn't know what to believe. Certainly I don't have any good reason to believe in the existence of a god, and trying to force myself to believe just makes me sure that if God does exist then he's capricious and cruel, and I really don't want to worship or honor anyone like that. Needless to say, this was a disappointment to my grandma, and she had a few other questions for me before she was called away by the phone and that conversation was over. It wasn't one of my favorite moments since I've been here, honestly, because I don't like to upset or disappoint my grandma in any way, but I won't lie to her and I won't try to be something I'm not, and religion is simply something I can't support. I barely have faith in anyone or anything at all in this world, and something that exists only through complete submission to blind faith is just not going to be anything I can muster.

Written Posted at 2:35 AM

October 4, 2003

I am so not motivated lately. I know it's the depression ruling me, but just knowing that doesn't really help. It's incredibly difficult to get up in the morning; it's incredibly difficult to go to sleep in the evening; and it's incredibly difficult to do anything useful during the day, particularly homework. Which consequently means that I either don't get schoolwork done or I get it done at an incredibly snail-like pace (which means that only so much of it gets done in the time I have available). So the upshot of this is that as behind as I have already been, I'm even more behind now.

Yea.

Written Posted at 2:12 AM

October 3, 2003

Heather called tonight. I was rather surprised, actually, because I've been feeling like she has been blowing me off. We haven't spoken since I had called her as I was driving home after the first day of classes, about six or seven weeks ago, and I talked to her for a while, but she wanted to cut things short so she could get back to classwork. She told me that Eric would be visiting later in the week, and she'd call then so that we could all talk to each other. No call came, though, and a later message I left by phone as well as an e.mail both went unanswered. I understood that Heather was probably overwhelmed with school - hell, I have been, and she's in this accelerated masters program, so it must simply be hell - but I was still disappointed not to hear from her, and it was just depressing.

Then I got a message a week and a half ago from Heather, telling me that a friend of her brother needed to talk to a writer for a school paper, and he had procrastinated and the paper was due on Thursday. That message came late on Tuesday night, but I missed it and didn't even listen to it until Wednesday, and then I had classes all day on Wednesday. I called Heather when I had a break on Wednesday, and left a message with her father since she was out. She didn't return that call either. At that point I just felt like she didn't really give a damn about me and that she had only called because she needed something from me. I was slightly angry, but mostly I was just depressed about it, thinking that she thought so little of me.

Well, I don't honestly know what to think, now. We had a nice, although brief, talk tonight, and it was enjoyable. Still, I can't help but feel wary of the whole thing. I want to believe that she's truly a friend and that she'll want to stay in touch, but I don't know if I can make myself believe that just because I want to. That requires a lot of faith in humanity that I just don't have.

So the call was nice, but it's sort of a mixed bag. I guess I'll just have to see when (and if) the next conversation between us happens.

Written Posted at 1:33 AM

October 2, 2003

A crappy day has ended on a much higher note, and I feel much less depressed than I have been (granted, that still leaves me depressed, but I'm in a lot better frame of mind than I've been for many days).

Most of my day has been in a heavy bog of depression, carrying over from how I felt last night and just leaving me miserable as I struggled to get out of bed and do anything useful at all. I managed to oversee the workman from Sandusky Glass who arrived to repair the seals on two thermal pane windows that have been holding moisture; I managed to fix a nice lunch for my grandmother and myself; and I managed to get some classwork done (although it was such a small amount as to be negligible compared to everything that I need to do to get caught up). At the end of the afternoon, I had to drive to Bowling Green for a quick Wendy's meal and then the Thursday-night readings, this time an MFA reading from a poet and a fiction writer (who were better than the average MFA students, but still not really worth my drive-time and patience). Chris was there, and we sat together, pondering the bizarre poetry and the boring story.

After the reading, Chris and I went to Big Boy, having made plans earlier in the week to meet with Laura to chat. We got to big Boy early, the reading having finished quite early, and talked for almost an hour before Laura arrived. Fortuitously, Misty and Matt were at Big Boy as well, and Chris and I got to catch up with them as well.

Misty has recently gotten a new body decoration, a scarification of a spider in a web. It wasn't very attractive to me, but Chris was actually quite bothered by it. He didn't show his feelings very much, but he asked Misty why anyone would want to do that to themselves, and he later told me and Laura that he had lost his appetite after seeing it. If just the idea of gouging out and burning off skin to make a design bothered Chris, imagine how he felt when Matt kept slapping Misty's arm on top of the newly disfigured skin. And imagine how much worse it was when Misty's other friend started rubbing a fresh lemon into the cuts (I'm serious - they really did this). Chris was somewhat appalled, but I wasn't too shocked - I know that Misty has a thing for pain. She enjoys it, and she even said, after the lemon was rubbed ito her cuts, that show she really wanted to get laid tonight. Go figure. It seems that she has also taken up mutilating teddy bears, filling some with glass shards and burning others. Laura, when she arrived later, was simply appalled - Laura always takes a very emotional attitude to anything done to stuffed animals that isn't simply loving (she was in tears one time when we were talking about plushies, people who get off on having sex with stuffed animals. So yeah, if the conversations start like this, where exactly can you go from there.

As it turns out, it was quite a night for conversations, mundane and bizarre. We all caught each other up on our busy lives and our latest anxieties and such. Laura, although she is incredibly busy, sounds the most fulfilled, having moved in with John, her boyfriend of five years, having just gotten a new 15" Powerbook, and having a class of students for English 111 who really like her and appreciate her. Chris' life is more crazy as he's trying to not only keep up with classes but work for enough extra money to cover him when he goes to New Zealand in December. And of course there's my life, which I'm sure you're quite familiar with from these Journals. We talked a bit about our missing friends as well and how little we're hearing from all of those who have graduated. We had a good time joking about the craziness of our lives, and talking with these friends made me feel quite better.

After Laura left around 10:45, Chris and I continued to talk, mostly about our families and our fucked up fathers. We've never really had that kind of a serious, ugly conversation, but it was helpful to me in a way, letting me vent off some things that have been upsetting me and festering inside. It's not like anything's any better for me regarding those issues, but it helped a little just to get it out in the open. It was kind of a heavy way to end our light-hearted conversation, but it did me a lot of good. I drove Chris home and then started making my way back to Sandusky.

On the drive back, I called Christiana and talked for the whole drive and another half hour or more after I was inside the house. We each vented to each other about how overwhelmed with work we are, but we spent a lot of time talking about current events and different news articles we've read. We're both fairly interested in world events and politics, and there's a whole bunch of things to talk about lately. Talking to Christiana cheered me up a bit, too. I'm not feeling very 'up' about things, but I'm not nearly as down as I was even earlier today. I guess I'll take what I can get.

Posted at 2:03 AM

October 1, 2003

Today was not a pleasant experience, really. I managed to get a few assignments finished that were due today, but I am now officially way behind for my Modern Fiction class, the independent class that Phil is running for me. I guess it could be worse; I was supposed to have read and commented on a bunch of essays and stories, but I wasn't prepared but neither was Phil, so we put things off for another week. I still feel bad, though. This getting behind stuff isn't good, and it just builds and builds upon itself such that I'll probably get to a point where there's simply no way to catch up anymore.

In any case, that had me down, and my two workshops got me pretty bummed as well. In my Poetry Workshop, I had a poem that I had just finished earlier this morning but which I thought was pretty decent. Well, far be it from me to know what constitutes a good poem, obviously, because my poem got ripped apart and apparently nobody liked it (although Rachael, one of my classmates, told me she liked it when I ran into her later in the day, but I think she may just have been trying to cheer me up because I was so miserable by that point in the day). It's bad enough that they didn't like the poem, but it was just one negative comment after another without any positives and without any suggestions for improvement - just negativity. This sort of workshop is all too common now, and I hate it. I actually almost didn't go to my fiction workshop because I didn't want more of the same, even though it would be other people's stories being workshopped, not mine.

By the time I get back to the house after classes, at least the past couple weeks, I'm just dragging and feeling horrible, just wanting to die. It's hard to find any point in even going back to classes under these circumstances, and every day is getting harder and harder to do anything at all.

Posted at 1:47 AM


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2003