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I rushed around this morning to be ready to leave at Noon so that I could visit James in Toledo today. I gathered him up from his apartment and drove us to Maumee so that we could watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End on the biggest screen in town. We both had a good time, and while we spent little extra time beyond the movie and the drive there and back, we both enjoyed seeing each other. The movie is a fitting third chapter in the Pirates movies. I had thought that this would be the third and final chapter, but enough is certainly left open-ended at the end of the film to leave room for much, much more to be developed into at least one more sequel if not more. I suppose it all depends on how much profit comes in, but I have little doubt that this will gross good profits. The film itself is, once again, full of simply beautiful moments of cinematography, very much the least appreciated aspect of all of these films. As for the story itself, it is fun and full of surprises, double-crosses, and connecting ties to every segment of the previous story. I, personally, thought that it was great fun, but I think many people will be put off by certain things in this film, particularly the dream-like aspects where Jack Sparrow seems out of his mind as a result of being stranded alone in Davy Jones Locker. It worked for me, but I think many people will dislike it, partly for pacing and partly as being too esoteric for their liking. I would have to say that the first of the three movies is still the best, but it is too close to call as far as whether the second film or this one seems like the next best. Both are very enjoyable and have their strengths and flaws. Really, though, the bottom line is that I enjoyed what I saw, and I even felt that it was worth the money I paid (which for a matineee price was simply outrageous, but that's another matter entirely). I had a get-together with Steve, Steffen, Mark, Dakoda, and Paul (an old acquaintance) in Perrysburg in the evening, and we had a decent time, although we didn't spend more than three hours before we all had to break up and head our separate ways. After having to take such close watch over my grandma during the last week, since her fall, the chance to get away and do something (anything) different was very rewarding and pleasant. So today was a good day, by and large. I'm always looking for good days, and I'll take them whenever I can get them. The next seven days look to be quite full and busy, so a day of escape was a good thing. Hopefully the coming week won't be too rocky, but there's much to accomplish. At least tonight I can sleep well. Hopefully I'll even sleep past 6 AM ... Posted at 1:02 AM
The weigh-in this morning had surprisingly good results, both in weight loss and in body fat percentage. In fact I went down another 1% in body fat, taking me down to 18% total body fat, which is supposedly within the perfect range for my height and age (16-18% is supposed to be the range considered the healthiest). I'm actually shooting for 15-16%, so I have a little futrther to go, but it's very satisfying to know that I'm fully in the "healthy" ideal. I just wish that I felt like that would suggest. Mentally I'm still going crazy feeling that I'm starving, and that's continuing to make this a struggle. On top of that I'm not pleased that my lower bach aches on and off, much more often than I find acceptable. And of course I'm not sleeping as long as I'd like, and that's really throwing me off as well. All combined I'm not feeling nearly as "healthy" as I did before I even started losing any weight. I attribute almost all of this to the lowered caloric intake, and I'm hoping that things will get substantially better once I return to eating nortmally again. The thoughts and feelings of starving should quite certainly go away, I expect that I'll sleep longer and better when I get back to eating more regularly, and I even think that my lower back will protest less once my body is kicking around more energy from the increased calories it will have to burn and use. The lower back thing still bothers me since it seems like the least sure thing to be cured by resuming a normal caloric intake, but I'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out. I find it ironic that I didn't have lower back problems practically at all when I was overweight, but I do have problems fairly consistently now that I'm in the "healthy" weight and body fat range. Go figure. I have two and a half more weeks until my sister arrives for her week-long visit (during which I intend to eat without reservation, exercise only as much as comes naturally in interacting with my nephew and niece, and enjoy myself fully). Before that, though, during these two and a half weeks, I want and need to toe the line and keep as true to my diet and exercise regimen as I can. There's still more weight and body fat percents to lose, so I still need to stay on track - but I'm close now, very close, and I really think I can do this. Two and a half more weeks of devotion, then a week of uninhibited pleasure, and then one and a half more weeks of devoted diet and exercise, and on my weigh-in on the 4th of July I hope to truly declare my independence and have reached an acceptable weight and body fat percentage, and that would cap five months of great success. Let's hope it works as well as that. I'm anxious to eat what I want again, and another five weeks simply can't pass fast enough. Posted at 8:07 PM
So tired ... Why do I keep waking up at 6 AM every day? And why couldn't I get back to sleep this morning, even for just another hour or two? Wah! Posted at 11:22 PM
I'm definitely watching too much Food Network for my own good. Posted at 9:49 PM
Starving! Starving!! I feel like I'm starving, and I know I'm not since I have plenty of energy and feel decent and know that I have more than a minimum amount of calories for a given day - but mentally I'm just going crazy like this. It's taking all of my willpower not to cave in and grab something - anything - to eat. The last couple of weeks have been sort of like this. I'm fine on Wednesday, my weigh-in day, because I can see results and feel rewarded and that it's all worth the struggle, and that feeling even lasts a couple more days without a problem. It's during the weekend that I start to lose the boost from the results and crave everything I can imagine in the way of food. I've only been holding out by telling myself "I've only got a couple more days of this before I can see whether the results are worth it," and I bargain with myself on possible options should the results not be acceptable enough to merit the mental anguish I'm developing. Today particularly I've been telling myself that Wednesday's weigh-in marks the end of May and thereby marks the end of four months of effort, so I should at least see things through unhindered until then. I'm already thinking ahead and realizing that I only have the first two and half weeks of June before my sister arrives with my nephew and niece for a week, and I intend to eat to my heart's content during that week since we'll be going places that I simply love to eat at. That treat of a week of special foods is alluring, but I'm not sure if that will help me pull through the two and half weeks beforehand on my minimal caloric intake. We'll see. I want to stay true to all of this so that I can lose the weight and be done sooner. It's getting more and more difficult, however. I think I can endure the next two full days okay and make it to the end of May, but those first two and a half weeks of June are going to be a bitch. All I can hope for is that the results on my weekly weigh-ins are decent. I'm getting very close to reaching my final goals, and if things play out well during each of the next tree weigh-ins then I should be on track to wrap things up by the end of June, and that would make it well worth struggling. Still, the results really need to be solid. I wish there was more surety in all of this. And I wish I could eat more ... lots and lots more ... The end of all of this effort can't come soon enough - not by a long shot. Posted at 11:02 PM
How sad is it that Saturdays have become the least enjoyable day of the week? Posted at 11:34 PM
Star Wars was released 30 years ago today, and the universe was changed forever. As much as I personally think that George Lucas lost his magic more and more with each progressive movie, the first, or at least the first released - Episode 4 - was and remains a movie masterpiece that redefined the entire film industry in more ways than can be counted. While I was only ten when the first of the series came out, I did see it, and it caught my imagination and spurred my romantic nature like nothing before it had ever come close to achieving. So on this auspicious anniversary let me say my thanks to George Lucas. You could never have imagined what you made possible for so many kids everywhere. Posted at 10:25 PM
For the amount of money I put into my car to keep it running smoothly and safely, you'd think that I like the car. You'd think that - but you'd be wrong. I spent about $150 more on the car today for maintenance issues, but I still do hate this car. I wish I had a car again that was cool and fun and - most of all - a quality piece of machinery. Doing maintenance on such a car and keeping it spotless is a real treat, well worth whatever cost is required to keep it perfect. Conversely, this thing have now just frustrates me. I hate it and yet I still have to spend money on it. Any why? No amount of money will ever make it better. I only wish it would. Someday, maybe someday, I'll have a car I love again. It's all like a dream ... Do dreams really come true? Posted at 2:25 AM
I was anxious to see the results of my weekly weigh-in today, but I must admit that was largely because I have been telling myself for the better part of this past week that if I didn't lose much weight or if I didn't go down in body fat percentage (which was the case last week, for the first time during this weight-loss regimen) then I would still exercise but I would return to my normal, full eating habits, at least for the next week - and I was incredibly excited about all of the possibilities of eating that would be available. Sadly - or fortuitously, depending upon how you look at it - I lost a decent amount of weight this week and lost a percent of body fat, and the results were undeniably good - better than I expected, certainly. So this week, starting with today, I will tough it out again, feeling like I'm starving surely, but hopefully continuing to make solid progress. Better done sooner than later is my hope, meaning that hopefully just another month might do the trick rather than another two or three months. That's hoping for (or even expecting) a lot, and I may be setting myself up for disappointment, but I'd rather keep going at this full force not only while the results are still decent but most importantly while I still have the force of will to push myself this far and succeed. I'm pleased with the results to be sure, but I will be most pleased when I can finally get back to eating meals that leave me feeling like I'm not still wanting. Posted at 11:23 PM
Yardwork has decimated my lower back again, but the good news is that after today's efforts, mainly with trimming and shaping bushes and a bit of care with the plants (other than standard trimming and mowing of course), the extra hours and extra efforts (and extra lower back pain) should be done until fall. Sure, I'll have to trim and mow the grass every week from now through the fall, but that should only take a couple of hours and won't be very intense. In the fall there will be a lot more to do, of course, but that's more than four months from now, so I'm not concerned (yet). I'm not pleased with the stiffness I feel now, nor will I be pleased for the next day or two. It won't hurt much after a good night's sleep, but it will stay rather stiff for a couple days if past experience is any indicator. I need to add some sort of exercise into my routine that will strengthen my lower back, and all I can think of are sit-ups, which I don't really like. I'll ask Mark next time I see him, since he's sort of an all-around exercise guru, and maybe he'll have some idea. All I know is that my lower back is the weakest point in me right now, and it's simply not acceptable. In other news, my grandma is making interesting and strange turns toward dementia. Last night she was trying to turn off the TV with the cordless phone. Today she tried to answer the ringing phone with the cable remote. She couldn't find the 'Talk' button, but it never occurred to her that she was seriously missing a big part of the problem . She got it once I pointed it out, but things like this (which are occurring sporadically but certainly more often) are getting to be very disconcerting. They are not good signs for what the future holds in store for her (or for me as her caregiver), but there's sadly nothing either of us can do to stop this sort of thing from happening. If nothing else I expect that my grandma will offer a lot of unexpected surprises, and it would be great if they could all be as innocuous and at least as mildly amusing as this situation - or at least it would be nice if the majority are that way. That's the very best I can hope for at this point. We'll just have to see how it all plays out. Posted at 10:39 PM
My grandma's somewhat better today, not that she's feeling less pain and stiffness, I don't think, but because she slept quite a lot last evening and last night, much more than she would normally allow herself to do, and that has worked wonders. In fact I'm surprised that she hasn't become even more stiff and achy, but the rest and some generous applications of IcyHot, as well as a careful but hot shower this morning, seem to be doing her a lot of good. The fact that I've been getting her to eat good, healthy food and in fair amounts has surely boosted her energy levels as well. The doctor, when we went today, checked my grandma briefly and seemed unconcerned about the problems. She was quite certain nothing was broken, and she didn't feel that my grandma's remaining pain was substantial enough for any medication. I would have to agree with her as well, although yesterday I thought sure that my grandma would not be nearly as comfortable as she is today. I've still been watching my grandma closely throughout the night and day, and I've been fixing her substantial meals and getting her to eat solid portions, much more than she would normally eat, and that surely is doing her some good. She's been falling asleep in her chair quite easily all afternoon and will surely keep doing so all evening until she finally goes to bed. That's fine, though, because I am convinced that lots of solid sleep is the absolutely best thing for her. So today hasn't been as bad as I had expected. I'm still much more attentive to her and haven't been able to do much other than my normal routine around keeping her in shape, but that's okay. I had thought she would be much worse off today, and I'm fine with things as they are, I assure you. I have little doubt that she'll be tender and slow-moving for the rest of the week, but she seems well poised to get past this without much difficulty. That's a big plus. It makes things a whole lot better for her and much better for me, too - and heck, that's not too shabby, all things considered. Posted at 7:08 PM
My grandmother fell at church today. Usually she's actually quite good about handling a fall, somehow feeling it just start and sort of crumpling herself and letting herself just loosely come down - much better than falling hard. Unfortunately today she fell hard, falling backward on some concrete steps in a concrete stairwell leading from the church's basement to the ground floor. She should never have been on those stairs, really, since the church put in a very nice, very useful elevator just a year and a half ago, but my grandma is hard-headed and has consistently been unwilling to believe that she'll ever fall or that it will ever be a problem (even with a history of various falls). She had even turned down the offer from the woman accompanying her who was more than willing to go with her to the bathroom. Her fall landed her hard on her butt and then she continued to fall back and bang her head. She has quite a significant bump on the back of her head, although no bruising there (which is impressive - she bruises easily). Her biggest concern was her rear, which was stiff on both sides of her butt by the time she had been brought home. She refused repeated offers to take her to the hospital to get checked out, which frustrates me, but I am pretty confident that she hasn't broken anything (a miracle when you consider how little meat my grandma has on her bones (and the fact that she's 92), but my grandma does seem to have strong bones and a strong head as she has managed a number of falls over the years but has yet to break any bones at all). The Schneider's, who had accompanied her to and from church, explained the whole situation to me and were very concerned and even apologetic, but it was hardly their fault, and knowing my grandma there was nothing they could have done to get her to agree to go to the hospital. As time has progressed my grandma has felt more pain, probably largely due to the initial shock keeping her from really feeling anything, but also due, I think, to the bruising setting in deep. Some IcyHot ointment seems to be helping some, and I've convinced her to lay down in bed (which is no small task, let me assure you - she refuses to go to bed during the daytime except under the very most extreme situations). She is getting much more stiff and moving much more slowly, which I think is unavoidable and completely expected, but I still think I'll be having her see her doctor tomorrow to check things out more thoroughly and perhaps get some medication to ease her pain and inflammation. We'll see what comes from that. As it is I think that getting her moving enough to go anywhere tomorrow will be a major undertaking. I don't look forward to the next week because as frustrating as my grandma can be on an average day, what with the random memory and being argumentative and finding fault in everything (or fearing the worst in anything), she is far worse when she is sick or suffering some physical ailment. She is a horrible patient, refusing to do even the most common and expected things that would make her feel better and heal faster, and she is sure that she should simply be better as soon as she feels like it (which is about half a day after she starts feeling bad), and she gets angry that she's not better already after practically no time at all has passed to give her body a chance to heal. She also is horrible about eating when she feels poorly, refusing to eat at all, making me practically force feed her just to provide enough food to keep her alive let alone provide her body then nutrients it needs to heal. She doesn't eat enough in general, regardless of how much everyone in the family as well as her doctor tell her she needs to gain a bit of weight, but she is simply beyond anything reasonable when she isn't feeling well, and it will be a struggle to get her to eat, even with me making every meal for her and even feeding her by hand sometimes. So ... fun times ahead. Fun times, yeah. Anybody want to trade? Posted at 9:05 PM
(I've been expecting this for about five years now ... but I'm still completely excited ... and impatient). Posted at 10:40 PM
So things started out not horribly yesterday but also not as I would have liked. Once again, as each day for the previous week, I woke up with only about six hours of sleep and no way to go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. You'd think, considering I still felt tired each day, that I could go back to sleep - even if just for one day out of the week - but clearly that wasn't the case. An hour or so later while checking on my grandma, I spent a while closing seemingly half of the drawers and cupboard doors around the house (my grandmother inexplicably never fully closes any of these things and sometimes leaves them standing wide open) while my grandmother continued setting things up to feed dozens of different kinds of sweets to easily twenty people (although only two guests would be arriving, two neighbor ladies of similar advanced years as my grandmother, both of whom together would never make any noticeable dent in the spread my grandma was laying out, and this dessert selection wouldn't even be revealed until they all came back to the house after they went out together for a full lunch!). I had to accommodate my grandma in her overzealous preparations for a little bit for time, but I eventually was able to get away when she had to leave to ride to lunch with her friends. With my grandma set and, for the moment, gone, I took a nice shower and set things up to make lunch. The meal for the day wasn't anything fancy and is something I eat pretty regularly because it's very tasty and very quick and easy to fix. It's almost entirely done in the microwave (or at least that's how I do it - it could be done on the stove with a little more attention to make sure it wouldn't burn or stick (hence why I use the microwave)). I had just started using the micro to melt some butter, and I was cleaning some fish in the sink, when I heard a "ZZZT - ZZZT - ZZZT" sound and turned around to see a frightening light show as my microwave flashed and buzzed. I rushed over and turned it off and unplugged it, then checked inside and found no burned smell or any problems visible, but I knew that my microwave element had just burned out. I suppose twenty years is a decent life span for a microwave, particularly one like mine that has been used an average of two or three times a day during each day of those twenty years. After taking a moment to get past the shock, I went downstairs to use my grandma's microwave to make my lunch (which is annoying because her micro is much smaller and much lower-powered than mine ... but at least I could fix my lunch as I'd planned (and it was still tasty!). As I fixed lunch I called Steve, on of my friends in Toledo, to ask him if he wanted the dead micro to scavenge for parts. I made clear that it was dead and what happened and that I didn't want him to even attempt to repair it and thereby possibly risk danger to himself, and all I really wanted was a "Yes" or "No" answer so I could know whether to take it to him or put the dead micro out with the trash later. Sadly the conversation kept going round and round, and it took far too long to get a "Yes" or "No" answer, and my lunch was fixed and rapidly getting cold by the time I got off of the phone with Steve, but at least I had an answer, and I knew I would be taking the old micro to Steve. Between the fiasco with the micro and the unexpectedly long chat with Steve, I was already nearly an hour behind where I wanted to be in my plans, and I had already been cutting things close for time in my plans, so it immediately became apparent that my intentions to accomplish a few things in Bowling Green during the afternoon simply weren't going to be possible. That screwed up my plans quite a bit, actually, but there was no way around it. Trying to salvage the day a little bit and do something to lighten the day, I started making plans to try to catch a movie during what remained of the afternoon before heading to Perrysburg (which was the remaining part of my earlier plans for the day, where I would meet up with Steve and Mark and Steffen for a get-together and dinner). That actually pleased me a lot, but when I got onto the computer to check movie listings on the web, the FUCKING CABLE COMPANY SCREWED ME AGAIN and my Internet access at first wouldn't work at all and then was so slow that I really couldn't get anywhere. So, sadly, my plans for finding an hour or two of enjoyment at the movies simply went into the toilet, pretty much like the bulk of the day beforehand. Sooo I decided that maybe I could just go do some research and maybe even a purchase of a new microwave. I got measurements and some power specs and stuff on my old micro, made my way past my grandma and her friends with as little as possible (but still far too much) small talk and such, and finally I wa on my way. I checked out all of the possibilities of note in Sandusky: Rex Electronics, ABC Warehouse, Meijer, Sears, Target, and Best Buy (anyplace else would have even less choices and probably just repeats of the same things). Sadly there were a huge amount of compact and low-powered - and ugly or clunky or super-cheap - microwaves almost everywhere. At least those were easy to rule out. In fact once I compared the specs of my old, now-dead micro to other things, it was clear I would need a full-sized micro with about the highest power )wattage) available. That narrowed the field immensely, and after checking out the various stores and what they had, there were only two models I really liked at all that met my requirements, and upon closer inspection I realized that the Kenmore model at Sears was actually quite cheaply constructed (weak plastic and such). That left the top-of-the-line Panasonic model at ABC Warehouse, not my first choice for brand name, but still respectable, and the microwave met and exceeded all of my expectations for size, power, appearance, features, and even price. This took a little while, so I was back at ABC Warehouse for a second visit when I made my purchase, and I got a substantial discount from the manager. With the new micro in hand I headed back for the house.At that moment the time had just passed when I should have been leaving the house for Perrysburg. But this shouldn't surprise anyone at this point in my narrative. Once I got back to the house the ladies were gone but my grandma, euphoric from such a nice visit, wanted to tell me every little thing about it - and tell me again and again since she is getting to where she doesn't even remember telling you something just two minutes before on some occasions, so you get to hear the same thing two or three or even more times until you somehow prompt her to move on. It took me a while to get her to actually listen to me telling her that I was already running quite late for leaving and I still had things to do before leaving, but eventually I broke away. This should have been a sign to me, really, and I should have just given up then and cancelled the get-together and stayed in the house. Heck, I had actually considered it earlier in the day when I was surfing through the TV listings for the day when I surfed the 'Net in the morning. As it happens there was a broadcast of the first two episodes of Star Trek: Voyager, episodes I have consistent tly missed over the years and have wanted to see just to fill in some blanks, and I had accepted that I would have to miss them to do what I needed to in Bowling Green and Perrysburg. I was disappointed, but I figured doing everything else would make up for it. Ha! What a fool. I also had wanted to watch the special at 8 PM reviewing Bob Barker's fifty years on television. Strange as it may seem, I have some very happy memories of some times in my earliest years at college with me and my roommates and dormmates watching the Price is Right and playing along and joking about it. I've occasionally watched the show over the years, and with Bob retiring in June, I've been watching regularly. I wanted to see this special, but I figured I'd just record it while I was away and I'd still be able to see it. Well, seeing as I'm writing this today, the day following the events I'm narrating, I can tell you that I made a mistake yesterday and recorded the wrong channel ... so I completely missed that special and it will never be broadcast again. But you knew I was going to say that already, right? It just fits with the pattern of the rest of the day. Well, it doesn't stop there. If only it had. After quickly checking the new microwave to make sure it was what I ordered and not damaged (and to make sure my Visionware pots would fit, since this new micro is about 1" shorter than my old micro, even though it has more space in width and depth), I took care of a few necessities quickly and headed out, although not without yet another prolonged chat with my grandmother who clearly couldn't understand why I could be having a bad day if she was having such a good one. But talking with her wasn't going to change that, and I eventually got free. And once free I got to wait behind all sorts of traffic since it was now just after 5 PM and everyone was getting off work and going all over the place. Getting gas was man annoyingly prolonged affair, too. Once on the road to Toledo I made somewhat better time, but that's a relative thing considering there was lots of traffic there, too, and that slowed me down a lot. It slowed me down even more when it started raining rather hard, and unfortunately that rain continued through my whole trip, making everyone drive slower and making visibility much lower, and making passing pretty much impossible. So slowly, tortuously, I made my way along. Of special note along the way was the semi driver that I was riding behind, blinded by his tire spray, who, when we got back to four-lane highway from two-lane, decided it would be "fun" to switch lanes back and forth every time I tried to, trying to fuck with me. It was one of the rare times in my life I ever wanted a gun. I did finally reach Steffen's house - forty-five minutes late, but I reached it. I won't go into detail here for a variety of reasons, but my time hanging out with the guys was less enjoyable than usual. I was cold (which is uncommon for me, but Steffen's house was quite cold, and I think he had turned off the heat during the previous warm days, even though it got down to 45 the night in question), Steffen's kids, who I usually adore, were turned on to power level 11 on a 10-point power scale, and they were loud and screechy and annoying as hell, and almost immediately upon getting there I was told of certain 'changes' to expect in coming visits, some which cam totally out of the blue and some which we had discussed and had agreed would be handled in quite a different fashion than what I was now being told. On any other day I might have reacted differently to any of that, but after the day I'd had it was just too much, really, and it hit me hard. I didn't get depressed - believe me, I know depression - but I was disappointed and down. I had been hoping - expecting even - that I would have an enjoyable evening and maybe make up a little bit for the shitty earlier part of the day. I had expected that spending time with the guys and Steffen's family would let me forget about things and get a few laughs and some relaxation and enjoyment. That wasn't the case, though, and in retrospect I would have been far, far better off to have cancelled and tried to salvage the day at the house with some simple but enjoyable TV and some time to myself to put things in perspective and calm down. Too bad I didn't do that, because the day just went from bad to worse to miserable, and if it weren't for one thing there would have been nothing redeemable about the day. Today, having put the day behind me but unable to forget it, I (around a number of other things that I had to do today) hooked up the new microwave and cooked a couple of meals in it, experimenting just a bit. While I still have a lot more experimenting to do, my initial experiences suggest I made an excellent choice in this new microwave. It is not only as good but notably better in just about every measurable way than my old micro, and I am pleased. I certainly wasn't looking for a new microwave, and I honestly wish I hadn't had to spend for a new one, but it could prove to be a nice improvement over the old micro. That's nice, really, but I have to tell you - it just wasn't worth what I had to go through to get it. Posted at 10:01 PM
It's been a bad day all around. I just want it to be over with. I'll write about it some tomorrow, I promise, but tonight, as I wind down and try to get some sleep, I don't want to think about today's events any more ... if I can help it anyhow. Posted at 12:50 AM
I've been feeling even more hungry (starving!) than usual this past week than during the rest of my diet and exercise routine, but it appears to have been worth the suffering to some degree - I lost quite a bit more this week than last week, and I was so pleasantly surprised that it totally changed my mind about my plans. I had been thinking about readjusting things and letting loose a little more, namely eating a good bit more, but with this week's progress I am reinspired to push forward full strength, hopefully reaching my final goal without undue delay. That probably won't be until sometime in July or maybe even early August, but heck, that's certainly better than a month or more later than that if I were to relax my routine in any way. So today has been a cause for celebration. I'm still incredibly anxious to get back to eating more food, but as long as I can keep seeing great results I think I can persevere. I'll just have to stay focused and determined. Posted at 10:57 PM
Whatever happened to Fig Newton? Not the snack, I mean the dancing fig guy that used to be the mascot and icon for Fig Newtons. Is he somehow not politically correct anymore? Posted at 10:00 PM
I'm still tired today, although no where near as bad as yesterday. I got a lot of errands done and some around the house stuff accomplished, but I just didn't feel like running around for the rest of the day to try to clean the house like I want/need to or to do the laundry - so those wait 'til tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be back up to full speed and get those things done tomorrow. My grandma, meanwhile, showed some signs last night of having developed a cold, and she seems today to quite certainly have something. It's just the beginnings of things, and I am hoping we can quash it before it grabs hold fully, but my grandma isn't the type that ever seems to shake a cold once it's gotten anywhere near her. I'm rather pissed off about the whole cold issue because my grandma was fine a few days ago, and my mother has been running her around from one place to another each day she's been here, and my grandma, at 92, simply can't keep up with such a pace. She needs to maybe do one or two things a day, with a break between those things, and then do pretty much nothing the following day to regain her strength and not tax herself physically or mentally. Today is the first day they didn't go out since my mom arrived three and a half days earlier, and three and a half days nearly non-stop of eating out, shopping, visiting with friends, talking, and walking, while that may seem like it's not all that much, is indeed like running a marathon for my grandma, and now she (and) I have to pay the price for that. My mom plans to head back to Florida tomorrow, handily leaving me to deal with my grandma having a cold, something that could easily last three weeks unless we're successful at beating it now. This is the same reason my grandma got such a horrible cold this winter while she was visiting with my sister and mother - they push her much too far, thinking that she'll be able to rest later. Later, unfortunately, is far too late. The damage by then is done. On top of all of this my sister talked to me today and is offering to come here for two weeks this summer rather than one so that I can "get away" for one of those weeks. Not that I have anyplace to go in the summer (fall or winter maybe, but summer? not with the schedules of most people I know). More importantly, I simply don't have the funds to just go away for a week on a pseudo-vacation. Heck, the five days I take in August to visit Chris is Lafayette is a huge hit to my credit card debt, and if it weren't the only chance to see him I had each year I wouldn't do it. And realistically, I shouldn't be doing it anyhow in my financial situation. My sister suggested I could go to her house in Florida (which she rarely uses), and while I suppose that was a generous offer, I can't begin to imagine the costs of driving to Florida in my poor-gas-mileage car at $4.00+ per gallon, let alone the fact that I have no interest in going someplace where I would no no one and be lost. Maybe if I had money to spend to do such a trip right, sure, but essentially all that would happen is that I would sit alone in their house with no cable TV and no Internet and nobody to visit. Reading books would, in such an environment, get old fast, and when you get down to it, I really just don't care for Florida that much. If I was still close to anyone in Chicago I might be tempted to go there, where I know the whole city well and could find innumerable things to do for free - but that isn't the case any longer. But all of this is beside the point anyway. The point is that my sister still doesn't really 'get it'. Clearly my sister still refuses to see my lack of cash flow and my massive debt as an issue. This doesn't surprise me at this point, but it is still ridiculous that she seems to think that I can do what she does to relax, namely go vacationing and spend money without any limit and have a good time because of it. Sorry - no money, no comparison. Furthermore my sister seems to think that less than four weeks is plenty of time to engineer a week-long get-away to somewhere. Even if I could think of someone who wouldn't be working almost all of the time I might visit them for a week next month, that certainly doesn't mean that my friends could rearrange their schedules at the drop of a hat. Don't get me wrong, most of them would accommodate me, but it would be rude and wrong of me to do so without some valid reason or need. There is, sadly, more to this "offer" than goodwill. My sister seems to have come to think that I'm not capable of caring for my grandma, or at least that I can't do so without getting stressed out to an unhealthy degree. I won't deny that my grandma gives me stress every now and then, but right now, and for the past month, we've been doing fine. The biggest stress has, in the past two and half months, come from my sister and my mom. As usual, they bypass any consideration of finding out facts or truth or asking me what I feel or what I want, and they just assume whatever strikes them. The fact that they are consistently wrong in their assumptions doesn't seem to stop them, and I've lost patience with being told what I think or feel or why I am doing something or why I am making certain choices. I have never had patience for that kind of bullshit, and that isn't likely to ever change. There is no excuse for unverified gossip, wild speculation, or unfounded assumptions; they are almost invariably wrong, and they almost always lead to problems. I won't be the victim of any off those things. Posted at 10:04 PM
I've been very tired today. Some of it may be from the hours and hours of work in the yard yesterday. Some may be from being so hungry and feeling stretched for food (which is certainly possible but hasn't been an issue for the past three and a half months I've been in this diet and exercise regimen). The biggest thing, however, is almost certainly the fact that I got less than six hours of sleep last night and only got about seven hours each of the previous two days before being awakened by slamming cupboard doors and slamming drawers, both from the kitchen downstairs, and both clearly a result of my mother fixing breakfast while she's been here (and obviously it's my mother since my grandma never makes such noise (and I doubt she could easily slam the drawers with her strength)). So I'm tired. It's no big deal, I suppose, but I haven't been able to muster the energy to do the things I wanted to get done today, and that sucks. So be it. That's the way it goes sometimes. Posted at 9:51 PM
On the plus side, my mom took my grandma out for lunch and a day of visiting and they were gone most of the day. On the negative side, I spent all of that time doing yardwork. It should just be a wash, but it sadly seems like I've gotten the short end of the stick . Posted at 11:13 PM
I remember when I used to go out on Friday nights on dates or with friends for dinner and a movie or dancing at a club ... It's been a far too long time. Posted at 10:55 PM
I was so impressed with myself today for handling what should have, arguably, been a sad and depressing event with grace and ease, not letting it get to me and putting it into the proper perspective and feeling okay about it. Having dealt with the whole situation so well and not slipping the least bit into depression was very positive, and I was indeed very pleased with myself. It made today seem like a great day, despite that one major event. And then I found out that my mother had come for a visit, unannounced and for an indeterminate amount of time. Oh joy. Sometimes then universe is just determined to make your life suck. Posted at 1:22 AM
Losing 2.8 pounds in a week, particularly this far into a weight loss regimen, is respectable. I keep telling myself that, but I'm still somewhat disappointed. I had hoped for more, and after having consistently lost more than that each week prior, it's tough to get used to. Still, this is indeed a good amount, and as my weight keeps going down and getting closer to my goal, I will surely be losing less and less per week, probably even to the point where it might take me a couple of weeks to even lose a single pound. I mean really, just because I lost 5 pounds in the first week is no indication that that will ever happen again, certainly not three months later. So I've been disappointed today at this weigh-in, but realistically I shouldn't be. I just wish I could get myself to accept that idea. Posted at 11:25 PM
Since I started this exercise and diet routine and lost a noticeable amount of weight, some people have commented. Among the comments are "Do you feel better?" and "How do you feel?", and to each of those questions I have replied, "I feel like I'm starving." Of course I've been half joking, knowing that they expect me to say I feel so much better because I'm carrying less weight around. The truth is, though, that I feel no better (and mostly no worse, although the daily exercise routine does fairly often leave me somewhat stiff), but I do indeed feel almost constantly hungry. It's no surprise, really. I mean heck, I'm eating well less than half of what I would eat on even my lightest days of eating, and probably more like a fourth or a fifth of what I'd usually have taken in calorie-wise. It certainly works well for helping me lose weight, since diet alone nor exercise alone never seem to completely do much for me by themselves. But the bottom line is that I'm damn hungry, and I seriously feel like I'm starving. I hope (I'd like to say expect, but, well ... ) that once I reach the weight I want to settled upon that I'll be able to go back to eating the amounts I was before without restriction, and so long as I keep up the same amount of daily exercise I should be just fine. I don't know that, unfortunately, but I hope I'm not wrong. All of this is background for what I find interesting about this article from the New York Times. You'll note that these people, even when eating a decent caloric intake for their reduced weight, feel like they're starving at that point. It's also interesting that studies show that weight is a genetic/hereditary trait. All of this goes right along with my arguments that people are full of shit when they say, "You could lose weight if you just want it enough" or some similar line of shit. It's rarely as simple as that or far more people would lose excess weight and far fewer people would be obese and hating it. So anyway, here's the article. It's an interesting read.
Posted at 11:37 AM
Why was I not amazed when the phone and internet service went dead for a few hours again today, only restored after calling (once again) to complain to Buckeye Cablesystem? At least now they admit that they have a "continuing problem" in the Sandusky area, but they also claim that they have no idea yet how to fix it and problems will continue indeterminately until they figure it out. How is this acceptable, and why aren't they at least discounting service during this problem period? Posted at 10:03 PM
I got the chance to get together with Steve, Steffen, and Mark again tonight after a couple weeks of uncoordinated schedules, and among the other things we talked about was that Mark and his wife Tiffany are taking parenting classes so that they qualify to be foster and adoptive parents. They want to take in one to three kids of ages two to eight, ideally siblings (since they terribly often get split up or don't get fostered or adopted at all because of their multiple numbers). Mark and Tiff are really great parents already, with one daughter just recently graduated from high school and out on her own, one teenager at home (Dakoda, whom I've mentioned before), and three kids under five, two girls and one boy - and one of the girls is autistic. Not only do they do a great job raising the kids they have, but they very regularly take on the kids of their (Mark and Tiff's) brothers and sisters, and their house is always open to the various kids in the neighborhood and is that kind of house where kids just gravitate because they can play in the pool and get a snack and have some loving attention with really no strings attached. I never found that house in the place I grew up, but I know a lot of people who had a house/family on their block that were that set of parents that were like parents to everybody. So while Mark and Tiff already have a lot of kids to raise and encourage already, I have little doubt that they can raise even more and do better at it than the vast majority of parents could think to do. I'm just so happy that they are doing this. It's the sort of thing that I myself very much want to do, but there are a lot of barriers in front of my ever making it happen, and Mark and Tiff are able to make it happen . They both are devoted to helping kids that have come from troubled situations (just as I want to do), and they really do know how to connect with kids and fill them with love. Part of me almost thinks I should be jealous of Mark and Tiff, but I am so absolutely overwhelmed with happiness that they are doing this that I just can't feel even the slightest bit of jealousy at all. It's a great thing they're doing, and they're the perfect people to do it. It makes me proud to call them my friends. Posted at 12:34 AM
Yawn. Posted at 10:07 PM
The damn woman just can't be grateful about anything! It drives me nuts! Posted at 9:44 PM
Ugh! Another long day spending far too many hours at work on the yard. My lower back clearly hates me now. Weeding, pruning, trimming, and clearing out the last of last year's debris, all on top of mowing a lawn that was incredibly long after a week and a half with six days of heavy rain - it was a long effort, believe me. Since I haven't said it since last fall sometime, I'll just make sure nobody has forgot - I hate yardwork! Sadly, that isn't going to get me any further away from doing it than before. More's the pity. Posted at 10:50 PM
More than a week later I think my Internet access may (and I emphasize may) be working properly again. The last week has been full of days and days without any signal at all, other days with a majorly slowed signal, and on the days where it did have a signal, I was only able to get it by setting up a direct connection rather than using my Apple Airport wireless router. Let me tell you - direct connecting to my cable Internet is a serious pain in the ass. I literally have to set up my computer on top of my refrigerator, stand on my tip-toes to disconnect this and reconnect that from the cable modem, and I have no extra power outlets for my laptop, so I eventually run out of power before I've surfed everything I want. This says nothing about having to use my high stools to kneel upon to be near (but still slightly below the level of my laptop on the top of the refrigerator). So anyhow, it's a pain in the ass. Because of the way the cable company reassigns it's IP address and DNS servers whenever they restart from a major crash, it causes no end of problems getting my Airport wireless to work perfectly with it, which is amazing because the Airport usually works without a hitch and is very much one of Apple's best plug-and-play devices that basically just asks you to name a couple of things and it does all of the work. This week's nightmare has sucked, though. Just when I'd get the Airport network connecting to the feed from the cable modem, the whole data stream from the cable company would crash again and then they'd reset everything again and I'd have to start from scratch. After a dozen times of doing this, things were seriously fucked up. I ended up doing a hard reset of my Airport, something that should never have been required, and then spent a while resetting a bunch of other things since I have a number of remote base stations that extend the range of the main Airport base station. I'd like to think that after a frustrating week of crap Internet service that things are now set to rights, but I've already said that to myself a couple of times during this past week, and the joke has been on me both of those times - so I won't claim that I'm sure of anything at this point. Still, it seems - for the moment anyhow - that I have a working network. Life would be good if it stays that way for the next year or so. We'll have to wait and see, however. Posted at 11:23 PM
I'm not at all surprised by this article. I've talked to plenty of college students or overheard them, more often than not going on and on about how they would finish their degree and go straight into their dream job, making outrageous amounts of money, disregarding the fact that the salaries they were thinking about were the salaries earned by seasoned professionals, often professionals who had spent plenty of time crawling up the ladder in their field. This sort of talk would occasionally spring to the "I'll make my first million by the time I'm thirty and retire at forty" mantra, and while this was not as common among college students as it is among high school and junior high kids (where it is shockingly prevalent among kids of that age that are in college prep schedules), it was still common enough - and profoundly believed enough - that it was startling. As an adult student at college, I would sometimes tell these delusional hopefuls that the real world wasn't as simple as that, and while I hoped that they would succeed and get a job that truly fulfilled their dream, the more common reality for every person on the planet was that your job generally sucks, it isn't what you'd hoped or expected to do with you time and talents, and it rarely ever provided the kind of advancement or pay that you would want. Not once did they ever try to discuss's the issue more or consider the possibility of anything but complete success, and while most were polite in their replies, they invariably brushed me off and told me that it would be different with them. So it's no surprise that kids on average expect to make four or more times what they will in fact make. Some kids will be level-headed and expect to make a simple living, not unlike their parents, or they will have simply low expectations. But many will believe that they'll make much much more, and when you make a study and take polls of kids and take averages of what they expect to earn, it's no surprise they expect to make $150,000 a year, more or less. It's quite unrealistic, particularly in today's America, but they honestly are blinded to that reality. The sad truth is that you might wonder what the end result will be. Here are kids with these high expectations - they think they'll get their dream job and make the kinds of wages that only the top wage-earners garner. They expect they'll retire early. They expect a lot of stuff. But the sad reality is that they won't get any of that, at least not to anywhere near the extent they anticipate. I expect that as these post-boomers age and struggle to find even a meager living, they're going to be very disappointed and very upset. I took a class in college a few years ago that studied work ethics among 16-25 year olds in recent years, and their work ethic sucked. They all felt that they were being under-utilized, under-appreciated, and under-paid. Considering they probably weren't in their dream job and making shit-loads of money this is no big shock. Sadly, though, these young workers had no loyalty to their employers, had no intention of staying for long, didn't care how well they did their job, and quite often thought petty theft from the work-place was essentially a fringe benefit because they weren't being compensated well enough for what they were worth. The end result here is that the kids and young adults and thirty-somethings of today will be the bulk of the workforce as the baby-boomers retire in coming years, but they are going to already be so disillusioned with work of any kind and so overconfident in their belief that they deserve the top-level jobs without any experience of any time moving up through the company ... well. they're going to be crappy workers and they're going to be pissed off. And they're not going to give a shit about a job that they think's "beneath them", which will be just about every job they have. The sad thing is that they're not even the ones to blame. Yes, they're not seeing reality, but their parents and TV have filled them up with these unrealistic expectations. And the school systems make kids believe that if you go to college you'll be able to get a job that'll make you rich. And of course politicians want everyone to think the American dream means that everyone (as opposed to anyone) can go from rags to riches in the USA if they just want it bad enough. And worst of all, the corporations and even smaller businesses are more than happy to fuck people over by promising things they never intend to give and by shutting down all of the things that at least used to make a decent job with a decent wage possible, namely job security, good health benefits (and other benefits), and some sort of real retirement plan. That stuff's all gone now, and it's no surprise that people feel more than content to screw over their employer just as much as their employer is screwing them over. Why be loyal to the company if the company isn't loyal to you? Why give even two weeks notice when the company won't even give you sick days? Why not steal that nice stapler from work if the company stop paying anything at all into your insurance plan? Really, the future workforce is honestly a scary thing. And I won't blame them a bit for the way they act. It'll be sad, but I'll hold my sympathy for them and not for the companies and customers who get crappy service from them. This is all very clear to me, and it's all stuff that could be improved. The people that could effect the right change, though, prefer to keep spouting their fanciful dreams and full-out lies rather than prepare kids and young adults for the future. Inevitably, though, this will all come back to bite those people in the ass. Here's the article that sparked all of this:
Posted at 10:29 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © May 2007
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May 31, 2007
