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February 2008

 

February 29, 2008

Happy birthday Lisa Nelms, wherever you are. One birthday every four years certainly keeps you young .

Posted at 4:19 PM

 

February 28, 2008

How can I be this miserable and still not have the strength to kill myself?

Posted at 10:51 PM

 

February 27, 2008

It's rare, but there is justice in the world.

Posted at 9:18 PM

 

February 26, 2008

depressed (adjective)

In low spirits: The news left me depressed for several days.
Syns: blue (Informal), dejected, dispirited, down, downcast, downhearted, dull, gloomy, heavy-hearted, low, melancholic, melancholy, sad, saddened, spiritless, tristful (Archaic), unhappy.
-- Idioms: down in (or at) the mouth, in the depths.

Posted at 8:56 PM

 

February 25, 2008

It's amazing, but I dislike each and every one of the presidential candidates more and more with the passing of each day. They all reveal themselves increasingly as more flawed, self-serving, pandering, and hypocritical with each passing moment, and it shakes me to think that one of them will be expected to clean up the disasters of Fuehrer Bush and his Republican brown-shirt party.

We're all doomed, seriously doomed.

Posted at 8:49 PM

 

February 24, 2008

Six hours of sleep a night is not enough. I feel like a zombie - No, scratch that - zombies don't feel aches and pains and have migraines, so that must not be what I feel like. Mmmm .... I feel like ... no, not that either ... wait! - no ... hmm ... well, ... I feel like shit. That's what I feel like.

Posted at 11:26 AM

 

February 23, 2008

Maybe I'd sleep better (and for more hours) if there were someone holding me all night. Any takers?

Posted at 8:12 PM

 

February 22, 2008

I've always been upset on the days when my grandma doesn't feel quite well - whether that means sick or tired or slightly unsteady on her feet or whatever. I get immediately concerned and worried, and I get a bit stressed. Lately, though, the stress I cause myself in concern for her is nothing compared with the stress she puts me though. She won't listen to any helpful advice, won't take useful medicines, won't take it easy, won't eat, ... and the list goes on. I've grown more and more tired of arguing with her to try to keep her healthy, but lately it's just more than I can stand. The woman is simply exhausting me with her bullheadedness and her refusal to accept help and her readiness to blame anybody other than herself for every little thing. For the first time ever I'm wondering if she may end up having to go into a care facility simply because they'll force food and medication and such upon her and take no arguments. It seems cruel to look at it that way, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried she's going to die from malnutrition because I can't get her to eat enough.

I'm stressed out to an unprecedented level, and she clearly has no intention of even meeting me half way on anything. She is driving me crazy!! What the heck am I supposed to do here?

Posted at 9:31 PM

 

February 21, 2008

There really has to be a better existence. It seems like there'd have to be ... but I haven't seen it ... and I don't know where to look ... and I've lost the strength to keep trying.

Posted at 8:21 PM

 

February 20, 2008

I haven't been sleeping well. I only get about six hours and wake up, then can't get back to sleep. That, plus the everlasting migraine, plus the daily stress from my grandma ... it's all taking its toll, and I'm getting quite exhausted. I think if I could just get a solid night's sleep, just a good eight to nine hours - hell, maybe even two solid nights' sleep - then I might feel better. But after a couple weeks of this, I don't feel very optimistic about my chances.

If anybody runs into the Sandman, let him know I want some lengthy sleep for a night or two. I'm desperate. Really.

Posted at 7:36 PM

 

February 19, 2008

I give up.

It doesn't matter what I do, how early I get her going, how closely I help her along, how much I reinforce the time remaining, how late in the day I've had the appointment set, or how fast I drive -- it is simply impossible to get my grandmother to any appointment, anywhere, for anything without being late by at least ten minutes ... and then have her blame being late on something or someone or anything else other than herself.

There was a time that I used to see myself as a patient person ...

Posted at 9:28 PM

 

February 18, 2008

"So much for always, I guess."

Posted at 9:52 PM

 

February 17, 2008

Why doesn't Death come for me faster?

Posted at 8:36 PM

 

February 16, 2008

Even with a chance to take a break, even a brief one, to get away and visit friends this afternoon, it wasn't enough to relax me enough or relieve me enough to reduce my migraine any. The pain is not my friend - it's not anything even close.

Posted at 1:09 AM

 

February 15, 2008

As if I don't have enough stress in my life, today I had to face the further indignities of being semi-directly accused of: 1) falsifying my tax returns, 2) not providing information I provided and signed off upon under penalty of perjury, and 3) of lying about my grandmother being unable to live without near-constant care, support and attention from me or someone like me (whoever the hell that would be). Who would be so brazen? The Student Loan Collection Office at Bowling Green (where I'll certainly be remembering such things every time they ask me for alumnus donations).

I am sure that there are plenty of unscrupulous people trying to scam the system and get their loan repayment delayed for a while without proper justification, but I take offense at being treated like scum without any cause. I have been more than willing to provide any documentation and testimony to verify my request for a year's forbearance of my loan repayment, and while I can understand additional requests for supporting documents to prove my claims, these is no excuse for making me out to be a con man, a liar, and/or an opportunist.

When, after one too many insinuations, I finally grew frustrated enough and expressed my indignation, I was assured that nothing like that was being suggested, but it's hard to misinterpret someone saying things such as, "We can't really verify whether this is truly a copy of the actual tax return you will file for last year." How the hell else can anyone possibly interpret a line like that or other similar statements? It's a semi-direct character attack, and that's the simple truth. After a half-dozen such comments, I admit that I lost my cool, but don't you think I'm justified?

Anyhow, I cooled down, and while I got more or less of an apology, I came away from the conversation frustrated and stressed. My whole financial situation is a huge mess (which by-and-large boils down to being a huge amount of debt), and the one good thing about the whole situation has been my near-miraculous ability to juggle my finances in such a way that I've maintained a good credit rating and found some level of balance against nearly impossible odds. I've played by the rules and then some, and yet here I am with today's situation, and the stress of it all really is about to kill me.

Is it not bad enough that I've had a massive migraine that's lasted for over a week, but I also have to have help adding enough more stress to make my head swim with pain?

Posted at 10:43 PM

 

February 14, 2008

'Tis the evil day - the horrible day - the St. Valentine's Day, the day when unjoined hearts are ripped asunder in a St. Valentine's Day Massacre that would have shocked and repulsed even Al Capone. The day when the lonely and yearning die a thousand deaths yet live to die still more. The day when loves sought and hoped for grow and are crushed, just before they bear fruit. The day when the symbolic red flows from cuts deep within the soul.

'Tis the day of St. Valentine, when I wish the real world were so much more like theDreamworld than it ever will be.

Posted at 7:11 PM

 

February 13, 2008

It means a lot to me to know that there are people who understand what I'm going through with the depression I face. It's not even so important that people are supportive or helpful so much as it's important that they understand, and don't just think that I should just be able to "stop being sad" or "think happy thoughts" or "just find a doctor to give [me] anti-depressants." Sadly, the vast majority of people don't understand what clinical depression involves, and they don't give a damn. They don't see it as a debilitating thing similar to a disease, not something that's just 'thought away.' So while the 'Loving support' from these people falls sort of flat for me, I am tremendously grateful to them for trying to understand what I face and knowing that depression is a complex and difficult thing to face.

To Write LOVE on Her Arms
Students join worldwide support for people who have depression

Depression, self-injury and suicide are the issues. Love is the movement.

Today, University students will write "love" on their arms as a part of the "Love is the Movement," event seen on Facebook. The event has over 330,000 confirmed participants all over the world.

Scott Melice, a student at the Art Institute of Atlanta and the creator of the "Love is the Movement" event, thought of the idea while he was browsing Facebook and noticed he missed "To Write Love on Her Arms Day," held on Dec. 14.

"On this day, people wrote love on their arms to help inspire those struggling with depression," Melice said. "I wanted to create a day similar that I could participate in as well."

To Write Love on Her Arms, located in Florida, is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide, said Michael Schneider of TWLOHA.

At the time Melice created this event, the slogan for TWLOHA was "Love is the Movement," he used this as a springboard and a week later created the event.

"It's hard to believe it only started with 450 invitations between my wife and myself," Melice said. "Within the first week we had people from Canada and Spain, I can't believe how big it's gotten."

Melice looks at the Facebook event every few days and said he sees over 1,000 new confirmed guests each time. It was an idea that caught attention and people have responded really well, he said.

"It was a couple of people who had an idea and it just snowballed," Schneider said. "I showed our director of operations and his response was 'that's incredible!' While it's an event we never really started, we are just happy to be a part of it."

At the University, many students are taking this event to heart and writing love on their arms for a loved one who suffers from depression or for people they know who have committed suicide.

Freshman Anna Gorman is participating because of the several suicides that occurred while she was a student at Bowling Green High School.

"Depression is such a big deal and people choose to ignore it, causing the ones who actually have depression to not want to get help," she said. "'Love is the Movement' is just one small way people can show love and hope and we are here to listen and to help."

This event will also help those who suffer bouts of depression and let them know they are not alone, said Molly Whelan, a social worker from Behavior Connections of Wood County.

"Anytime anybody talks about depression or when it is brought out in the open, people who suffer know they can come out on the other side," she said. "The bigger and more awesome the event, the better."

Sophomore Grace Donnellon is writing love on her arm to help those suffering know they are loved and not ignored.

"My mom has struggled with clinical depression for most of her life and my sister is a recovering 'cutter.' People with depression are real human beings and mental illnesses are not something you can just get over," Donnellon said.

Donnellon believes mental illness is one of the last taboos in our society because not enough people know about it or how to help. She is taking a stand for those who are struggling and to fight many of the stigmas surrounding depression.

Gorman believes a lot of people will participate all over the world.

"It would be awesome to see the word 'love' written on everyone's arm. It seems like such a small deal, but knowing that others care is so comforting. The more people, the more powerful the movement."

Melice hopes if he sees people with love written on their arms, they will know what it symbolizes and start talking and helping.

"If one person takes this seriously and can open the lines of communication, that will be worth it," he said. "I was never under any delusion that this would fix any problems, but I hoped this event would help people to talk and maybe get started on the road to recovery."

Love can be a movement for anyone, at anytime in anyplace, Melice said. Just writing love on an arm on Feb. 13 will show those suffering they are not alone and they are supported.

Posted at 11:01 PM

 

February 12, 2008

Wow. I could've had a V-8.

Posted at 10:02 PM

 

February 11, 2008

Does paranoid insanity come naturally as a part of becoming very elderly or is it just my grandmother?

Posted at 9:22 PM

 

February 10, 2008

I hate snow, but I hate solid sheets of ice worse ... particularly when it's so frozen and hard and thick that you can't break it up at all ... and particularly when I have a migraine that threatens to make my head explode.

Ah Ohio ... what the hell am I doing here.

Posted at 6:57 PM

 

February 9, 2008

It's certainly long overdue that the electric chair is found unacceptable and will no longer be used in America. With the sort of opinion the judge presented, though, I really still don't even begin to understand why any form of the death penalty is deemed acceptable in the United States. Europe and much of the rest of the industrialized world had banned all forms of the death penalty and all forms of capital punishment, yet America still clings on.

Are we really still that barbaric of a nation that taking a human life - any human life - can somehow be justified and remain legal?

We recognize the temptation to make the prisoner suffer, just as the prisoner made an innocent victim suffer. But it is the hallmark of a civilized society that we punish cruelty without practicing it. Condemned prisoners must not be tortured to death, regardless of their crimes.

Posted at 9:32 PM

 

February 8, 2008

Just how many days can this migraine last anyhow?

Posted at 9:28 PM

 

February 7, 2008

I'm never going to get better, am I?

Posted at 9:17 PM

 

February 6, 2008

Has anyone else noticed the incredible resemblance between Dr. Drakken (from Kim Possible) and Freakazoid? Both are blue-skinned; both have similar wavy, brushed-back black hair; both have black rings or a black mask around their eyes; both are demented (albeit in different ways); and Dr. D more than once says things like, "I"m going to unleash a can of freak all over you."

Coincidence? I think not ...

Posted at 9:05 PM

 

February 5, 2008

It's Stupid Tuesday, and the masses don't disappoint. All of the stupid candidates are getting votes, and I can now rest assured that America will, once again, get exactly what it deserves. Woe be it upon the rest of the world, and woe be it upon America, even if it is just reaping what it sows.

Posted at 8:59 PM

 

February 4, 2008

Ooohh!! Tomorrow's Stupid Tuesday. Let's see how stupid people are and which moron they vote for the most as the numbskull nominee for President. With the choices available to us, why shouldn't we each just shoot ourselves in the head now?

Posted at 10:15 PM

 

February 3, 2008

"Give a little love from your heart."

Why not? It's not like many people do.

Posted at 9:24 PM

 

February 2, 2008

Damned groundhog! Who wants any more winter than we already have?

Posted at 8:23 PM

 

February 1, 2008

For as boring, lonely, and pointless as my life is, it sure is complicated.

Posted at 8:27 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © February 2008