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June 2010

 

bullet June 30, 2010

Fear the squirrel.

Posted at 9:49 PM
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bullet June 29, 2010

I can only stand so much insanity in one day. My grandmother's demntia-filled ravings and imaginings are fine for a short time but burn quickly through any patience or sympathy anyone could possibly hold. This ... insanity - I mean what else can you call it? - it's just more than anyone could take dozens of times a day, every day and every night, non-stop. If I had a break now and again it would probably make a difference, but really ... there's just too much.

Posted at 9"20 PM
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bullet June 28, 2010

The death of Senator Byrd has made this a sad day indeed. With Kennedy and Byrd now both gone there are hardly any real liberals left in either house of Congress - and certainly none who are unrepentantly vocal and consistent in their liberal mindset.

The media has played up the so-called Blue Dog Democrats for years now, but to me the congressmen who fit into that mold are either centrists or outright conservatives who simply ran as Democrats because they could win under that party in their district. True liberals may be more extreme than most of America wants as absolute policymakers, but without real, true, unashamed liberals the Democrats will constantly be steamrolled by the Republicans who will expect bipartisanship to start in the center and then shift to the right as a "conciliatory gesture." Good policy may be found in compromise, in a middle ground, but you will never see that without full-blooded liberals to counterbalance the right-wing knee-jerk conservatives. And for myself, I expect to have someone who represents my beliefs and interests, and there are no no real liberals left to offer that kind of representation.

Robert Byrd was not a perfect man or a perfect Senator, and in some areas (such as gay rights) he did not live up to my expectations at all. Overall, however, he was exactly the type of person we all need in the U.S. House and Senate.

You will be missed Senator - far beyond merely West Virginia you will be missed. Go peacefully to whatever great reward awaits you - and know that I and many others are grateful for your years of service.

Posted at 8:46 PM
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bullet June 27, 2010

Would it be too much to ask for just one nice occurrence during the next few days or weeks? Just one positive thing - just one good bit of cosmic mojo? Is that so much to hope for?

Posted at 8:34 PM
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bullet June 26, 2010

Ah Saturday!

The relaxation of the weekend ...

The cleaning of shit from every surface of my grandma's bathroom ...

The sights, the smells ...

Fun times. Fun times.

Posted at 5:35 PM
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bullet June 25, 2010

It's a miracle!

I got my grandma cleaned, dressed, fed, and out of the house in time to make a 2 PM hair appointment! That may not seem like much, but considering she's having great trouble moving even within the house, and considering she hasn't left the house in four weeks, and considering it's taken all day to get her cleaned and fully dressed most days - this really was a major accomplishment.

Most importantly, however, it gives hope to still being able to properly care for my grandma here. I've had immense concerns that I might not be able to get her out of the house by myself ever again, and that would make real problems if we were to have to miss doctor appointments. Thankfully that's not an issue (at least for a little while longer).

Is it a miracle? Who's qualified to really judge that? Still, it's something that seems pretty miraculous to me.

Posted at 3:05 PM
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bullet June 24, 2010

Things just keep going from bad to worse with my grandma. Today she's been as though she either aged an additional twenty years over night or she didn't sleep at all for four days. It's very possible she didn't sleep much (or at all) last night, but nobody will ever know for sure because she can't remember one way or another.

My hope is that she slept poorly last night and will sleep throughout the night tonight (which is almost a surety considering she's fallen asleep in the middle of lunch and an afternoon snack (as well as other non-meal times). The problem, of course, is that once she's slept for a few solid hours she will very likely get up and wander around aimlessly rather than stay in bed until a reasonable hour, which would mean going back to sleep for a longer, more fulfilling amount of time. Why wouldn't she go back to bed? Well because that would make too much sense!

My job as caregiver is now near impossible because I can't be awake and observe my grandma ever minute of every hour of every day, and as a result she will find every minute I'm otherwise occupied (in the bathroom, showering, eating, sleeping) and will do crazy things.

Who's crazier here - the lady with rampant dementia and a stubborn, argumentative streak a mile long - or me - the guy who tries to take care of her in increasingly more impossible circumstances?

Posted at 9"26 PM
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bullet June 23, 2010

Uncertainty and instability are certainly the most stressful things life can offer.

Posted at 8:22 PAM
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bullet June 22, 2010

Now is the time for a lucky break.

Posted at 7:33 PM
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bullet June 21, 2010

I could think of a few million ways to make my life more appealing ... and yet the scantiest few are remotely achievable under current conditions.

Posted at 11:24 PM
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bullet June 20, 2010

This would be an awesome indulgence if I were rich. This sort of thing really points out why I call myself theDreamer.

Posted at 9:18 PM
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bullet June 19, 2010

Yea!

I slept in late this morning! Glorious sleep!

Hee hee!!

Posted at 11:34 PM
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bullet June 18, 2010

Boom-chucka-lucka-lucka!

Boom-chucka-lucka-lucka!

Boom-chucka-lucka-lucka!

Boom!

Posted at 9:46 PM
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bullet June 17, 2010

"The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine."

- J.B.S. Haldane

Posted at 10:17 PM
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bullet June 16, 2010

Yawn.

Posted at 10:23 PAM
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bullet June 15, 2010

I could write about the weather, but that would be almost as pathetic as writing that I have nothing to write about.

Posted at 10:30 PM
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bullet June 14, 2010

Life must not be Scottish.

Posted at 9:32 PM
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bullet June 13, 2010

Too much Grandma = too painful migraine = loss of last amounts of patience.

Posted at 7:16 PM
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bullet June 12, 2010

Never allow yourself to think, "Damn, this is really unbearable - but at least it can't get any worse."

Posted at 8:21 PM
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bullet June 11, 2010

I wouldn't ave believed it possible, but I've become even more jaded and cynical in the last year. Inside me, theDreamer is reaching out even stronger for a world transformed.

Posted at 10:46 PM
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bullet June 10, 2010

I miss being able to take a long afternoon walk along a quiet, wooded trail in a metropark while my troubles an stress drained away. No greater solace have I ever found, and now it's nothing but a distant memory.

Posted at 8:48 PM
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bullet June 9, 2010

After a second day of refusing to sit down - to the extent of even standing up and wandering around while eating meals rather than just sitting down for a little while - my grandma tonight is complaining that every muscle hurts. I've been telling her for a week now that she's needed to rest her arm and leg muscles from the strains she put on them or they not only wouldn't get better but would get worse. She has bucked my advice and concern all of this time, and now my predictions are coming painfully true. My only hope now is that she'll have tired herself out enough yesterday and today that she'll start listening to me tomorrow and just sitting quietly with her feet up and reading the paper or watching TV and nothing else. Somehow, though, I doubt that will happen - she's just too predictable.

Worse still is that she went to bed before it even reached 8:30 tonight even though I tried to get her to just sit in her recliner and watch some TV. I've gone to check on her repeatedly - and a bit loudly - to make sure she's okay and to keep her awake until a little later so that she won't wake up around six or seven in the morning - AGAIN - and bang everything she can in the kitchen, waking me up earlier than necessary. My efforts there are probably sure to fail as well, based on past experience with my grandma, but I'm desperate for a fair amount of sleep as opposed to a less than minimal amount.

The fun here never ends.

Posted at 10:38 PAM
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bullet June 8, 2010

I just can't win.

My grandma has - for years now - refused to go to bed at a reasonable hour and, as a result, doesn't even get ready for bed until 11 PM or later, and the she spends one to two hours dressing for bed and brushing her teeth and ... well screwing around. For her to be in bed by Midnight was usually a miracle, and it was generally much further into the wee hours of the morning before she went to sleep. During that time she'd bang doors and cupboards, drop her cane, and make all sorts of noise that would wake you up just after you started to finally get to sleep.

Now - within just the past three days - she has mysteriously taken to going to bed (through her routine and actually IN the bed - by 9:30 or 10 PM. Then, as a consequence, she wakes up at 5:30 or 6 AM and, rather than go back to be until a more reasonable hour, gets up and goes into the kitchen to loudly open and shut every drawer and cupboard door, drop her cane, run and rerun the microwave, the beeps of which flow right up the ventilation shaft right next to my bed. So now She wakes me up in the morning, and not just once (after which I might be able to go back to sleep) but constantly for and hour or two, by which time it's about the time I would get up but with me having been deprived of two hours of sleep.

The seven hours of sleep I generally get are not as good as the eight or nine I'd like (and I always do feel better after eight or nine hours of sleep, on the rare occasions I get that much), but instead I'm getting only about five hours of sleep and feeling tired, achy, and burned out. The increased migraines, burning ulcerous stomach (which is very unusual for me), and aching limbs have been no fun. The simple cure would be sleep, but my grandma won't be stopped. She doesn't care what she's doing, and I have to wonder sometimes after her little laughs and smirks if she even enjoys what she's wrought.

Regardless of how this has all come about, I'm feeling like shit and don't see how to change this since my grandma shows no interest at all in even trying to make some adjustments to make this work better for both of us.

It's things like this that make me hate being here, and it's things like this that would be enough to make me leave if I hadn't given my word I'd be here as long as my grandma needed me. It's galling to find myself feeling used and abused, and I shouldn't be trapped in a situation where I have to allow myself to be in what essentially is an abusive relationship (and I say that not merely because of the sleep deprivation but due to a whole host of issues). It's been hard enough to deal with everything else when I could at least have a reasonable amount of sleep, but now, adding in the sleep deprivation, it's just too much.

This needs to change or I may have to consider breaking my word, and that's something I very rarely do after making a solemn promise. I hate being in this position.

Posted at 10:39 PM
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bullet June 7, 2010

Why does Steve Jobs taunt me so with things I can't afford?

Posted at 9:26 PM
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bullet June 6, 2010

I need much more sleep - or a promise of early retirement.

Ha!

See? I still have a sense of humor in the face or adversity.

Posted Written at 9:15 PM
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bullet June 5, 2010

Is anything worthwhile?

Posted at 8:39 PM
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bullet June 4, 2010

And to think - I left a great-paying job (that I did extremely well) at Kinko's because I was worried that the long hours and the stress were going to kill me.

Ha!

I had a third of the hours and a third of the stress then that I do now with my grandma, and I've got a huge load of debt now while a had a huge load of retirement savings then.

As the sayings go: The grass is always greener on the other side. No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. No good deed goes unpunished.

Oh, and: HIndsight is 20/20.

Fat lot of good any of that does me now.

Posted at 6:42 PM
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bullet June 3, 2010

Wow. Taking care of my grandma today is almost as much fun as having a family of rabid weasels in your pants.

Okay, I exaggerate - it's about the same amount of fun.

Posted at 10:36 PM
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bullet June 2, 2010

Won't somebody throw me down a line?

Posted at 8:47 PAM
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bullet June 1, 2010

I think the days are numbered that I will be able to continue caring for my grandma. She is deteriorating physically and mentally more each day to the point that I feel soon she will be more than I can manage on my own, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I want to help her. I won't give up, and I still intend to stay for the long haul, but there will be a certain point when I can't do all that will be needed. I'm frustrated by feeling helpless about this, but I can't deny that the time is coming - and it is almost surely coming soon.

I wish there were more I could do to slow her decline, and it's driving me crazy that I have to simply stand by and watch.

Posted at 8:37 M

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © June 2010