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| message board June 2012
Meh. Posted at 10:03 AM
Achy-breaky head. Posted at 10:44 AM
If my head would just go ahead and explode I think it would be less painful. The pressure would at least be released. Posted at 10:30 AM
I should have been born a hundred years ago. I'd have seriously missed out on modern technologies but I'd have been much more successful in my life based upon the workforce and community. Oh well. Back to the present. Posted at 11:08 AM
Needed: Purpose in life. Posted at 9:58 AM
Are you more Road Runner or Coyote? Posted at 10:24 AM
Oh good, my migraine's back. I was just starting to not even think about how good it felt to be without pain. Can't have that! Posted at 9:24 AM
Unbelievable. Posted at 9:34 AM
I'm getting nowhere fast. Posted at 10:33 AM
Any good news would be appreciated. Posted at 11:14 AM
The real world moves further and further away from theDreamworld every single moment, and hope and goodness may soon become extinct. Posted at 3:14 PM
More horrible yard work this morning (the lyrics "Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed" have never been so pertinent) but at least it's done. That should make things easier for quite a while with the yard. Now on to the next project ... Posted at 1:43 PM
I hate yard work. I'm stiff and sore and sunburned between the bending over and the excessive heat today - even though I got out this morning before temps peaked - and I didn't even finish. After I'd been at it nearly two hours and the Noonday sun was beating down on me and I was feeling miserable already, I figured I'd better not push my luck with the sun. I got a lot done, but I'll have probably another two hours at it tomorrow morning before I'm done. I do hate this. Posted at 2:54 PM
Still tired today, but the migraine is mild and the depression is fading (at least I hope so - it seems that way). This diet is surely affecting all of these things, but the bigger issue is all of the uncertainty swirling around me right now: finding a job and consequently a new place to live - possibly at the far side of the country - are imperative but also complete unknowns. The same can be said for graduate school as well, not to mention all of the minutiae of my life that is also collectively up in the air. I look forward to working again more than anything because of the sense of stability and routine it will offer. That won't eliminate my migraines and depression forever, undoubtedly, but it will make them much less common I believe. Now I need the chance to put that to the test. Posted at 9:53 AM
I hate being this tired as much as I hate feeling like I'm constantly starving to death. As diets go this isn't bad, really - just portion control - but it's still difficult, particularly as I'm struggling against migraines and depression. Sleeping all day sounds so wonderful. Posted at 9:58 AM
The rest of the family left this morning - not as early as usual, but still by mid-morning - and while that slowed the start of my day a bit, it left me free to get a lot done during the rest of the morning and early afternoon. I'm feeling a little better today (although my head still feels like it will burst from the pressure). I've put aside a number of things over the last two or three days due to the family visiting, but now I ca get back on track a bit. I've got a good start so far, and while I still have more to do today, I should be 'caught up' more or less by the end of the day. Tomorrow I can relax a bit more - still getting things done but being a bit more relaxed and taking time in the morning and the evening for some good TV shows I should enjoy. Hopefully I can come out of the weekend relaxed and re-energized about everything. Next week could (and should) be very busy with the job search, getting set for another garage sale for the full following weekend, and setting up the item info for selling lots more stuff on eBay and also experimenting with selling through the Amazon Marketplace. If I can keep upbeat and not get so depressed again then I can make a lot of progress. That's the plan. This struggle to divide up my time is still a pain in the ass. I'd rather be putting my all into each of things individually, but they all by necessity must be worked upon at the earliest possible time, and that means I have to try to juggle them all. Hopefully I can do that and still stay sane. I think I can do fine so long as my mom doesn't 'encourage me' {sarcasm::} too much ... but what are the odds of that happening? Posted at 2:46 PM
What do you get when you mix a massive wave of depression, a mind-crushing migraine headache, and my family? That's right! Yesterday! Some people would even call it Hell - and they'd be right! As usual my family was considerate {sarcasm::}, thoughtful {sarcasm::}, and concerned {::bitter sarcasm::}. Isn't it great to have the support and love of your family? No, seriously, I'm asking - isn't it great to have that kind of concern and love? 'Cause I really don't have any idea. Somebody tell me how that feels ... Posted at 12:17 PM
Posted at 9:23 AM
I'm sooooo tired from yesterday. Running errands, performing various tasks, cleaning all of the house, and doing too many loads of laundry would make for a full day at any time, but doing it all when coming out of a cold was clearly a mistake. THe cold is clearly going away, but I think it's lingering more after not resting yesterday to finish it off. On top of that I'm just severely exhausted - clearly a combination of the cold with the various stuff I did. Sadly I still have stuff to do today, too, before everyone arrives, but it should be a bit less active. It will still take up a number of hours of activity but not as strenuous or as long as yesterday. I'm still likely to be tired, though. I need a real rest - soon. Posted at 10:05 AM
The cold is going away (I can say this with certainty because I've been without Claritin yesterday and today and while I'm still sniffling and coughing up stuff, my sinuses aren't full and my head isn't throbbing). Of course now, rather than see a return to some level of productivity, my depression has crawled in and gotten worse and worse. I know I should be doing a lot of different things, but it's a struggle to get any little thing done at all - and everything takes forever. I've actually gotten a lot of small tasks and errands done so far today, but I took much longer than expected and with much more frustration than as merited, and I still have a lot of house cleaning and laundry and work on the computer that I want to get done today. My mom, sister, and niece are driving in tomorrow and will arrive in the evening, and rather than add the stress of a very short deadline tomorrow, I'd rather try to get as much as I can done today. I wish I didn't have to, though. But then again, I wish I didn't have to do anything at all lately. What's the point, really? Why do anything at all? There is no good ending here, no late-in-life fulfillment waiting for me around the corner. It's just pain and suffering and loneliness and debt and an existence of struggle. And again I ask, for what? Why? Why struggle at all if there's nothing to come of it? I see no reason at all. Not one. Posted at 1:54 PM
Do not want. Posted at 9:32 AM
Damn cold. Damn sinuses. Posted at 10:25 AM
The cold seems somewhat better this morning, but that could just be the Claritin covering things up. I feel very tired, tired of simply everything. Posted at 10:05 AM
I haven't had a cold in a long time, and I can't remember the last time I had a cold during warm weather. This cold is extra bad - - at least it seems so: longer lasting, more weakening than usual. I fortunately haven't gotten a raw throat yet, but I took a Claritin this morning to try to avoid that; I think without it my throat would surely be raw. As it is my sinuses are full to exploding and my right nostril is as good as fully blocked. I've got constant drainage even with the Claritin, and my head is simply pounding from all of the abuse. I'm quite ready for this to go away. Posted at 9:58 AM
It's official: there are no slots left in the CSP Masters Program at BGSU, thereby nixing that program and any chance at the two-year internship I had learned about. That in itself is depressing - even though fairly well expected (I knew this was all a long shot). Worst of all, though, is that the GRE I rushed to take yesterday could have been delayed for months, allowing me time to properly practice on simulated computer tests. That would have made a huge difference yesterday when I did test. I was worn out yesterday. I had to get up early to shower and drive to Toledo, but worse was a cold I'd picked up the day before. I don't know if it was stress, the reduced-portion diet I've been on or what, but I felt things were "off" Monday evening and noticed a runny nose and a slight something in my throat. By Tuesday it was much worse, and I was sniffling fairly constantly and having some sinus build-up. (And today, after four and a half hours in the over-air-conditioned testing center, I have a truly spectacular cold that's had me sneezing more than ever in my life, practically falling over because my sinuses are so heavy with fluid, and trying to be careful around an already-sore throat). The first portion of the test was the two written essays: an argument in favor of a position on a statement, and then an evaluation of an argument that had been made. I aced the first one, I think, and I did well on the second, but not great. We'll see. Then came the tests, three rounds of Verbal and two round of Qualitative. There wasn't a single one of those tests I completed. I had a half hour each, and when the last five minutes came I was scrambling every time to answer questions. I didn't even see the last 1-3 questions on certain tests, and honestly I didn't have decent time to work out the last four in any of the tests. For tests with twenty questions each that's a huge portion. Had I been able to spend time preparing, using the online tests I'd found, I could have honed my ability to answer in a better time frame. Even if I didn't know anything better about how to answer the questions, just having better pacing would have made a huge difference. The problem now is that I have to wait at least sixty days before I can retake the test, and even after that, any time a school gets my GRE scores they will get all scores within five years. That means that even if I take the test in a couple of months and score better, any grad school will still see the numbers from this test as well - no explanation why they're lower - just there in black &white. So I'm depressed. I got that way Friday when I realized during my studying that I really just wasn't going to have enough time to prepare. Monday it was so bad I felt almost ill. Strangely I felt fairly clear-minded Tuesday morning before the tests, and although I had worries, I was going to put my best effort into it. Sadly my best effort stunk. So now I'm strictly back to a job search. I can apply to grad school in the fall for admissions the following year - and possibly get accepted somewhere - but that means I need an income between now and August of 2013. Yea. Posted at 10:36 AM
Posted at 5:31 PM
Posted at 10:25 AM
Wow. I fell asleep early last night - not disturbed by the still-running TV until 5:30, and then only enough to turn it off, go to the bathroom, and fall right back to sleep - and I ended up getting about eight and a half hours of sleep, more than I've slept in a single night in I don't know how long. And yet, I'm still tired. Partly it's stiffness from all of the exertions yesterday, partly it's probably a bit of energy drain from the mild sunburn I got, and surely a part of it is the mental strain this impending GRE is exacting on me. I'm going through a GRE study book and feel woefully unprepared. I can do all of these things, truly, but I need to shift my mind back to this mode of thinking, shift myself to this kind of focus. It's probably not a huge shift, but it's enough that until I can readjust I'll be less effective on such a test as this than I could be. Any way you look at it, a test that takes four and a half hours is just simply a bitch. It doesn't matter how prepared you are; taking a test for that long - foregoing lunch in the process - because it's a physical and emotional struggle for each person just as much as it is a mental struggle. So today and tomorrow, which will be almost entirely spent studying and taking practice tests from morning 'til night, will be a huge drain ... followed by the test itself (which will be followed by other 'can't wait' tasks as well). I need a break, even just for an hour. And no amount of sleep is going to make up for that. Posted at 9:40 AM
I was up at six this morning and out the door at seven to set up for the garage sale. I'd expected I'd be shrugging off early-arrivers as usually happens at garage sales, but not today. The cool temperatures and completely overcast skies kept them away until just about eight, the listed start time. Unfortunately, I wasn't read at eight, so I was still running around putting out stuff for another forty-five minutes. The whole morning was slow - slower than any garage sale morning I ever remember. The weather got better - temps went up and the sky cleared completely - but that still didn't do it. THis was a "street-wide sale" (all of six families), but Carol (a neighbor) had only scheduled it from eight to Noon. At 11:30, with only sixty bucks and just about everything still left to sell, I was bummed. Then, just as we headed into Noon, we got rushed. A good stream of people came for the next hour and a half - well after we were supposed to be putting things away - and I nearly tripled the total I'd had at just 11:30. I also sold a number of sets of things and a few larger items, so that was good in reducing the overall volume of stuff. The weather man had predicted rain this afternoon, and I'd been worrying that the rains would come in before things could be put away. At Noon, with hardly a cloud in the sky, I figured he must be wrong, but by 1:30 dark clouds were rolling in, and the wind kept picking up and picking up. My neighbors (who hadn't been part of the sale but are just nice people) offered to help me pack everything up and put it away as they too feared I'd be caught in the rain. With their help we had it all stored away within an hour. And after all of that the dark clouds passed, and while it did rain, it only just did it a few minutes ago, very briefly, and in fairly clear skies. I'm tired from the sun exposure, from getting up early, and from running around (setting things up, taking things down, and helping everyone in between), but that's okay. I can use the exercise, and my remaining plans for the day are just to sit and study for the GRE. I am disappointed, though. I've never been part of this short of a garage sale, but I've also never sold this little or made this little in sales. It's okay - $175 isn't bad for five and a half hours - but I'm used to doing a Friday through Sunday 8-4 garage sale and making a thousand, give or take. It's frustrating. I didn't expect to sell everything today, though, and with everything gathered, sorted, priced, and ready, I'll do another garage sale again soon - ideally in three weeks if the weather cooperates. Hopefully I'll be back to my usual standards for selling stuff and turning it into cash. This is just too much work if I don't make more. Posted at 4:19 PM
It's barely mid-afternoon and I'm already worn out. I spent a few hours this morning moving boxes of stuff to sell from the house to the garage along with my desk and desk chair and a number of shelving units and tables and such to use for displays. And of course I did all of this in the rain because nothing can ever be easy. Then I scrambled to shower, get lunch together, and finish the test run of a dozen listings I want to post on eBay, but I got a call from my mom - of course - asking me to do something else to take up my time, even though she knows how busy and frantic I am and even though she herself said "There's no rush." I did get the listings done after a while, and after I figured out how to get eBay to extend my selling limit from a measly ten items. Around all of this I cleaned, processed mail, answered other phone calls, checked my e.mail, surfed the web very quickly, and am writing this Journal entry. I need to get out to make some copies, buy a few small items including a book to study for the GRE (which I scheduled for Tuesday morning), and I need to study that book and other sources for the test. I'm running at mach 5 here, folks. That sound you just heard was me breaking the sound barrier but still not going fast enough. Posted at 3:27 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © June 2012
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June 30, 2012
