There was a time that it never seemed to matter
No thats not true
There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didnt
A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be:
Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood
everything I wanted?
When did I give up and give in?
Where did I go to be so far from reality?
Who was I kidding?
Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality,
afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness.
Maybe I realized that I couldnt be what I wanted, couldnt
be where I wanted, couldnt have what I needed.
Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone
Maybe I was just a fool.
Now reality is here and I cant turn away.
I cant hide; cant run fast enough or far enough.
All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed
opportunities, all of the loneliness
My reality envelops me, washes through every
pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood.
Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent
that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other
emotions at all.
My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my
But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am)
Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring love
It seems so simple. Shouldnt these things come to everyone?
Why for others and not for me?
How can I live without the only things that really matter?
Who am I kidding?