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| message board July 2006
Well, I guess I'm an idiot for not realizing that the crippling depression I've had for months could get even worse still ... but I'm experienced at being an idiot. Posted at 11:15 PM
No more.
Who needs hell when I'm right here? Posted at 10:36 PM
How depressed do you have to get before you're considered committable? I think right now I know. Posted at 12:45 AM
I should definitely have died a long time ago.
Why are people always so surly? Does it cost so much to smile anymore? I agree that the whole world and pretty much all of existence sucks, but whether people want to admit it or not, we're all in this together. If more people smiled and were nice to each other at least we'd give each other a little support and uplift - and how much is that to ask? Posted at 11:26 PM
OOoh! Look !! Shiny! Posted at 12:07 AM
Welcome to the state where I live, Ohio, where veritablyall of the state and federal politicians are unrepentant homophobic bigots (and specifically jackass Senator George Voinovich and criminal vote-rigger Secretary of State/Candidate for Governor Ken Blackwell (both Republicans, of course)).
Posted at 11:31 PM
Do any linguists out there know if there's a connection between Yabba-dabba-doo and Scooby-dooby-doo? I already know that the one is a proper name in some instances (although we're never really told if his full name is Scooby Doo or Scooby Dooby Doo, so that is also up for debate), but both phrases are used respectively as exclamations, and since they are similar in format and share the same suffix, one has to wonder if there is a shared root origin for these two phrases (Other than the Hanna-Barbara connection of course). Posted at 1:28 AM
I'm stiff and somewhat achy all over today, but I know it could certainly have been worse. Probably the best news is that the sunburn I received has dulled and shouldn't be a problem. I am somewhat tired, which seems expected under the circumstances, but I have done quite a bit today as luck would have it. I'm dead tired now, though, and feeling the most stiff and achy that I have all day, so I'm looking forward to a (hopefully) good night's sleep. Posted at 12:18 AM
Three hours ago I didn't think I'd be able to move even the slightest bit for days, maybe even a week, but I'm happy to report that the phenomenal stiffness in my back and muscles has lessened following a long shower, a long lie-down on the bed, dinner, and lots and lots of water. I chose today to do a whole list of yardwork, both in our yard and in the neighbor's yard (they've moved away as part of a divorce, and things were getting pretty wild). My choice for today was because it was supposed to be the coolest day in weeks, and the sweltering heat and humidity have been quite a bitch even for short periods of time otherwise. So for almost six hours I worked, sweated, bent, knelt, pulled, lifted, sweated, swatted (bugs), clipped, mowed and sweated. By the end of all of that non-stop hell, whilst I boiled and could feel my heart beating like mad, I was so stiff I was in pain and couldn't stand straight. I couldn't even keep still in one position for more than a few seconds without pain developing. Muscle stiffness and back pain were a huge part, but I'm sure the massive sunburn that I seem to have gotten, along with severe dehydration, just made things quite nasty. I expect to be uncomfortable for a couple of days, but unlike three hours ago, I think I may survive and even be able to move tomorrow. What a bargain. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate yard work? And heat? And pain? Posted at 9:14 PM
The hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. The Republicans have no problem with pushing their own self-righteous ideas about marriage upon all of America, attempting to permanently exclude gays from ever marrying or sharing the rights of marriage through a constitutional amendment, yet they bristle and cry foul when someone even jokingly suggests that the best way to "protect marriage" would be to outlaw divorce, adultery, and abuse. Heaven forbid that the Republicans would lose their ability to divorce their spouses for a newer, younger model, lose their ability to have constant affairs on the side, or have the 'freedom' to beat the hell out of their spouses in the privacy of their own homes. Well, it woul;d just be un-American to regulate people's private, intimate lives like that! Fucking hypocrites.
Posted at 1:59 AM
Me so horny. Posted at 12:00 AM
The U.S. House of Representatives once again failed to pass Federal Marriage Amendment that would have discriminated against gay people. This time the bill was defeated by an even wider margin than last time the House voted upon it, and even while there were very hateful speeches by all sorts of Republican , there were very uplifting speeches by gay-supportive Democrats, Barney Frank delivering by far the most impassioned and endearing speech of all. Way to go Barney Frank; you continue to be one of the greatest assets of our community. Posted at 12:05 AM
I'm so tired and achy. I don't understand why I feel like this so, so often now. It must be largely due to my irregular sleep patterns. I had a good phone conversation with Sarah today, a very comforting conversation where I blew off some steam about my frustrations dealing with my grandma, and Sarah commiserated with me. She had gone through much the same things with her own grandma as she got older. I guess it should be comforting to know that it's a common experience and that other people have survived being caregivers in similar situations, but I'm still in a frustrating situation regardless (in fact now I feel sad knowing that even more people than me have had to go through this because honestly it's very trying. Anyhow, the phone call was quite nice, but I'm tired now, having done very little throughout the day but still feeling really exhausted. Man, I'm tired. Where is this coming from. Posted at 11:35 PM
Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck ... Posted at 10:33 PM
A little planning and a little luck worked together to get Steve and Mark to join me for dinner at Don Pablo's and a low-cost viewing of X-Men: The Last Stand at the second-run theatre ($2 per ticket now that they've reduced their prices). My timing was just right with only a minute or so to spare; I drove all the way from Sandusky to the far side of Toledo, got parked and into the restaurant where Mark and Steve were waiting for me in the lobby, and we were seated almost immediately after that. We all chose the 20th Anniversary 4-course meal deal (although with different choices within that), and we were all quite satisfied, I think. It was very tasty and very filling, and we didn't feel at all rushed for time since the service was so prompt, so we were able to relax and talk over the course of the hour. The latest X-Men movie was overall fantastic. I would still say that X2 probably is the best of the series, but I liked this movie as well. It was certainly visually stunning, and the acting was very good, much better than in the original movie. I would even say that Kelsey Grammer worked out well as Beast, contrary to many fears. And Ben Foster was even more hot and gorgeous and yummy than I had even anticipated. My biggest gripe about the movie is that his shirtless scenes were so short and his overall presence in the film so minimal. My second biggest gripe about the movie is flying and jumping. Any mutant in this movie who flew or jumped looked totally ridiculous. It was so obvious that they were in wire harnesses and being moved by rigs, and that's a true shame considering every other aspect of the special effects was fantastic and entirely believable. The flying effects in the earlier two movies were not done well either, but they were better than this sad showing, and after the simply beautiful way that Nightcrawler was made to bounce and jump and spring around in X2, I have no idea why any jumping mutant in X3 looked so phony (and by the way, where was Nightcrawler in this movie?). My third and final gripe is the same issue I've had with all three in the series. I understand that to simplify introducing characters or two avoid telling long stories, some of the characters and their mutant powers and their backgrounds might be altered a bit to fit better into a 2+ hour movie. WIth that said, I don't understand why a mutant and his/her powers are just changed or modified for absolutely no purpose whatsoever. In this movie my greatest frustration in this sense is a scene in the danger room where Colossus extends his metal body-plating to cover over Rogue's body as well. In the comics Colossus can become armor-coated and stronger as his power, but he can't extend his armor, so why do it now. There really just isn't a reason. Mark's biggest frustration in this sense was that Juggernaut took off his helmet without any problem, something which in the comic would cause him to revert to his smaller, common self. In the comics, of course, Juggernaut isn't a mutant. The helmet he wears is an ancient magical relic that gives him great strength and invulnerability to damage. I can see, in a way, why the movie-makers chose to alter this so that he was simply a mutant and nothing more, but Mark was still disappointed, even with that explanation. It was a good movie, and certainly worth seeing on the big screen (4th row). I could have enjoyed it more with more of a half-naked Ben Foster, but it was still good nonetheless.
Not only is my ear not worse today but it's better - not perfect, but better. I would like to think that if I take the same precautions tonight and tomorrow that I took last night then perhaps my ear will have enough time to have completely healed and gotten back to normal. Maybe some day I'll even get a full night's sleep and feel physically well once again, but that's probably over-reaching. I should just be satisfied if the ear thing goes away. Posted at 10:36 PM
Ah, life. Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse ... Well, you surely know by now where I'm going with this. I woke up this morning very early with my left ear feeling weird - not exactly pain but more than stiffness - discomfort fits, I suppose. I tried to change position, seeing as I was lying on that ear, but clearly that wasn't helping. Once I sat up and moved around, it was clear that my left ear was showing some swelling, working from the inside out such that my ear canal was swollen, not shut but noticeably, and my muscles around that whole area were tightening from the swelling, meaning that my neck and left shoulder were stiff, with diffused pain as I moved, and my jaw had some notable pain if I closed my teeth together (as I would later do when I chewed). I took some aspirin, tried to get back to sleep (which was hopeless), and went about my day. A nice hot shower did a lot to loosen my tight muscles, and that had a huge impact on my whole situation. I still had tightness and subtle pain, but it wasn't as bad as before, and the swelling had clearly gone down a lot. All of this was immediately reminiscent of the problems I had almost exactly three years ago, right after I moved in here when I got an inner ear infection that swelled up so bad that I could barely move my jaw or bare to move, the pain was so bad. THe doctor's visit and the prescription for that mess cost me $400, so I am not anxious to immediately call the doctor. I thought things were getting good enough that I wouldn't need the doctor either, because things got gradually better as each hour of the day passed. By around 8 PM, in fact, I thought that perhaps, with a decent night's sleep, things might clear themselves up by tomorrow. Unfortunately, things started gradually going downhill from 8 PM, and now, at 10:30, even though I'm nowhere near as bad as things were this morning, things are clearly not right and getting more noticeable as time passes. I fear that a night asleep, particularly with how much I toss and turn throughout the night, will cause more harm than good to my ear. There's not much I can do about that, and I'm sure my body needs the full night of sleep if it is to heal itself of this problem, but I suspect that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and things are going to be even worse. It seems that the "good times" just keep coming - with a vengeance. With such good fortune I should be dead before the end of the year. So, is there an end in sight? Posted at 10:47 PM
I drove out to Perrysburg today to spend some time with Steve, Mark, and Steffen. The only problem with that was that Steve didn't show up until we'd been there for about five hours, leaving less than an hour before Steffen had to head out to work. All-in-all it was a good excursion for me because it provided some definitely-needed social time, and I find myself now, as a result, tired but much more relaxed. Had Steve been able to make it earlier, there wouldn't have been much to complain about at all today (at least nothing big or lastingly bothersome). But even if the day was imperfect it was quite a boost for me, something I've definitely needed. Posted at 1:57 AM
What would you do for a Klondike bar (not that you're going to get one, regardless)? Posted at 12:04 AM
Does anyone else find it disturbing that the logo for Dove chocolate uses the same name, same font, and same spacing as Dove soap? Posted at 11:49 PM
I'm sure if you're reading this Journal you're thinking, "Wow, am I bored." Well, I don't blame you. I haven't been really holding up my end here, and this website isn't really worth reading, and I guess that's been true for a while now. I apologize for that. All I can say is that the Journal is a reflection of my life, and this is how things are for me - dull, empty, worthless, and without promise. That may change at some point, and I would certainly appreciate that as much as you, but I don't know when that might happen. Not soon enough, that's for sure. Posted at 5:02 AM
Once forgone the world of wonder, ... bah. I can't write anything anymore. It's maddening, but I am unfathomably empty inside and have nothing to give anymore. Posted at 1:39 AM
We have air. The much sought-after part which has (supposedly) been on order for over two months has now been installed, and there is finally air conditioning in this house. The difference is beyond any amount of description. It has helped me feel much better. Now if I could just get rid of the migraines, the stiff and painful neck and back, the painful indigestion, the massive tiredness (and restless sleep), the depression and the anxiety. Well, one thing at a time, I guess. Posted at 12:06 AM
Today's two strikes (1 & 2) against gay marriage add fuel to the fire for many gay people, me included. Strangely enough, I never really cared about marriage until the religious Right decided to claim that gay people had no right to that institution. Personally, my view was that it says a lot more about your love and commitment to stay together without marriage, even through thick and thin. But the conservatives and evangelicals decided to play the separate-but-unequal game, and it took no time at all for me to be committed to wanting the right for gay people everywhere to marry. Posted at 12:40 AM
As has been happening more and more frequently in the past few months and weeks, my planned get-together in Perrysburg with Steve, Steffen, and Mark has been cancelled. I could take small consolation in the fact that by not having to drive there I save myself from making my migraine worse (even with sunglasses the glare of the sun while driving is massively painful), but while that might be a relief, it pales overall to the disappointment of having the miniscule social life I might have enjoyed be dashed to nothingness. My depression of late is an out-of-control monster, and few things give me any ability to tame it. I have become extremely morose and lethargic and I have no doubt that if I didn't have to care for my grandmother multiple times a day, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning at all. The promise of a few hours of laughter and intelligent conversation with people who remember what I just said in my last sentence as well as what I said last week is not only a nice change of pace but an absolute joy. These get-togethers are much-needed socializing but they are also an escape from my very unpleasant reality, and finding myself once again trapped in my own hell is depressing beyond belief. My apologies to those who have e.mailed me recently. Don't get the wrong impressions because I do appreciate the contact, but I just can't muster the energy or the words to write back right now. I can barely string together one or two written sentences per day just for this Journal - that's why the posts I've made of late have been so meager and useless. So apologies to all. You deserve better, but I just can't manage any more right now. Maybe soon that will change - I can only hope <Ha! Hope. Feh, like that's worth anything>. Posted at 12:37 AM
Two quotes today, apropos to this, our American celebration of the foundation of our nation's independence. First, a quote that speaks directly to the troubles currently facing our country, a quote written in the earliest years of the Republic by America's greatest founding father.
This second quote was written in 1944 and was introduced into the Congressional Record in 1945. Although it did not gain a popular following as a supplement to the Declaration of Independence, this Declaration of Interdependence speaks admirably to the universal equality that we all, gays particularly, are still struggling towards today. Human progress having reached a high level through respect for the liberty and dignity of men, it has become desirable to reaffirm these evident truths:
Posted at 11:06 PM
Sometimes you wonder if journalists write things like this on purpose or by accident:
So is he saying it would be okay if you liked the taste of a groin in your face? Posted at 3:13 AM
Over a week and my migraine's going strong. I feel weaker just about every day at this point. I wonder if I'll die? Posted at 11:07 PM
... and another month bites the dust ... Posted at 4:17 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2006
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July 31, 2006
