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| message board December 2011
My sister, nephew, and niece left for home this morning. It was a nice visit and I enjoyed their company, but I'm quite exhausted from the visit, and my grandmother has worn herself out as well. While my mother is still here, the house is much more quiet, and my grandmother is actually sleeping through most of her nap. I've been straightening up and cleaning some around caring for my grandma, and I'm just about to a point where I can relax and read for just a short bit, and that is nice. I wish I could see my nephew and niece more often but not here. The visits here with me trying to get what I can from them and still doing all that needs to be done for my grandma is too much. I do enjoy talking to my nephew and niece, though. THey're at a great age where we are interested in a lot of similar things. At earlier ages there were some shared interests but not a lot, and I am sure that as they grow they will find other interests that will be uninteresting to me for the most part. Right now feels like the closest I might ever be to them, and yet I hardly ever see or hear from them. I guess that's the curse of being an uncle and not a father, though. Much as I hate it this is the most I'll get. As usual life isn't fair. Posted at 2:23 PM
This day just seems to get more and more exhausting, but I just got my grandma down for a nap, so hopefully I can catch my breath. Hopefully. Posted at 1:25 PM
I'm thoroughly enjoying my time with my nephew and niece, but I am even more exhausted than before, and that seems completely impossible. How could I be even more exhausted? Ugh. I love the visiting, but this may end up killing me. Posted at 10:20 AM
Must. Have. More. Sleep. Posted at 10:21 AM
My mom arrived last night for a week's visit, and my sister, nephew, and niece are due in tonight. I have lots of errands and cleaning still to do today - after yet another night with little sleep - and a busy week ahead. Where will I find the energy? Posted at 9:13 AM
Christmas yesterday worked out well. My grandma for the most part accepted that it was indeed Christmas; she enjoyed her cards and presents; she ate her meal without too much protest (a rarity); and after I had her to bed for the night I had very nice conversations with my niece and nephew. Heck, I even got to see a new episode of Doctor Who - and it was better than I expected. All-in-all a good day. Tiring but good. Posted at 11:52 AM
... and the fight continues for me to get my grandmother to realize and accept that it's Christmas today ... Posted at 10:04 AM
Washing load after load of laundry, scrubbing dishes, and having lots of other day-long cleaning needing yet to be done does not make one merry or jolly or filled with anything but exhaustion. Whee. Posted at 11:20 AM
I managed to get done with all of the errands and tasks around the house that needed to be done while my grandma was at daycare yesterday, and I even got all of the pre-cleaning done (which means I can finish cleaning a bit more easily now). I'm three days later getting to this point than I'd hoped to be, but at least I'm closer to finished. Unfortunately I'm paying for my diligence with a migraine that just cuts like you wouldn't believe, and I've also got on-and-off back pains and various aches here and there. I think part of this is the lack of sleep's affect on my body, but I also think the cold is still inside me and making me weak and achy. Whatever the cause, I feel like hell. There's still much to be done, and with the aches and pains I'm suffering I don't look forward to any of it, but at least now I feel like I might be able to finish what's left. That's encouraging. Hopefully it won't be much harder than it sounds saying that. Posted at 10:04 AM
Happy Birthday, Greg. I've gone far too long without talking to you ... Posted at 9:22 AM
And so it goes ... again. I slept for about four hours and then woke up last night and couldn't get to sleep - again. That's pretty much the same scenario I've gone through for the past three nights. It boggles my mind that I can be this exhausted and not be able to sleep. On top of that my grandma has gone into freak-out mode for the past two days, being terrified of every shadow and breeze, hyperventilating because I put a sock on her foot, and other very exaggerated reactions to everything around her. She is at the same time nearly impossible to talk to as you have to say something ten or twelve times to get any sign she's paying attention and then another few times asking the same thing before you can get a coherent answer. I realize a lot of this is senility, but this anxiety is the real culprit. None of the rest of the things with her are as bad as when she's frightened of everything (and nothing) like this. So as if I wasn't exhausted enough, my grandma would be tiring me out all on her own but adds to my already being tired. And on top of that I have all sorts of cleaning to do around the house and all of the time I had expected to be able to use during the last two days has disappeared with the excess time I'm having to take with my grandma (or with the longer times I had to spend getting groceries yesterday just because of slow people and slow cashiers (losing two hours just for that kind of slow-down is ridiculous)). So I'm tired - exhausted - and struggling with a very difficult-to-handle old woman and a work-load that's already behind. Fun times. Yep. Kill me now. Posted at 12:19 AM
Getting up early on these mornings I send my grandma to day care are tough enough, but add to that having a night where I have trouble sleeping - even though I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well or long enough the previous night - and I'm really fuzzy-headed today. I really need sleep but there's all sorts of stuff I have to accomplish today. My life sucks ... but that's not anything we didn't already know. Posted at 9:21 AM
Why must it all be so tiring? Posted at 9:00 AM
Do not to let your children watch the symphony or big bands on television. Too much sax and violins. It will only lead to treble. Posted at 9:03 AM
I wish I had my innocence back. Posted at 10:53 AM
Can't I just sit down for a minute and read? Or just rest? Posted at 1:38 PM
I didn't have many errands this morning (today is more of a day full of at-home tasks), but while I was out running errands I passed by the old Red Barn and it was being demolished. The Red Barn has been around since before I was born, and although it has been vacant for the better part of ten years and was a video store for a decade or so before that, I still remember it fondly as my favorite place to eat when I was a kid. People have gotten used to KFC being the base of comparison for fried chicken restaurants, and most people think they've had the best fried chicken as part of someone's home cooking. The Red Barn was both. It was a simple, inexpensive restaurant with home-cooked food, limited to pretty much just fried chicken and a variety of side dishes, desserts, and drinks. The decor was simple - even cheap - but the whole structure of a red barn but with expansive glass windows all around the front three sides (nearly floor to ceiling) made the picnic-table-like seating feel like eating outdoors on a farm. And of course the food made you feel like you were getting a down-home meal as well. I remember the chicken was a moist as could be and the skin of the chicken nice and crisp with a very light breading. I was a picky eater as a child yet I could have eaten at the Red Barn every day. In fact eating out for us wasn't common because we didn't have much money and we grew most of our own food in the huge harden, but when we went I was thrilled. That was some yummy food. In the end it was inevitable the building would be torn down. The building was old and disuse had probably left it unusable, and the Perkins Plaza, the shopping plaza in front of which it has always sat, has been struggling to have any tenants. In fact the old Hills store, the center anchor of the complex, was leveled a number of years ago because it also had stood vacant for nearly a decade. It's strange to think back, but when I was a kid the Perkins Plaza was the place to go. The Sandusky Mall did not yet exist or was in construction; Sears anchored one end of the Plaza, Hills the middle, and every tenant space was full; the Red Barn was doing a solid business; and the "new" cinemas (a tri-plex) had been built and opened right behind the Perkins Plaza, taking the movie business out of the old stage theatres downtown and closer to where people lived. The Sandusky Plaza was at full occupancy at the time as well across town, but with no large anchor stores it had no major draw, and we hardly ever went there. I'll miss the Red Barn, but it's just as well it's gone. The place that I remember so fondly has been long gone, and it would never have been able to come back in any way that would do those memories justice. As much as I enjoy progress and the new and fancy, pretty things and places where there's a great attention to detail, I do miss the simpler, more honest simplicity that at one time was as good as it could get. Posted at 12:51 PM
Pickles! Posted at 12:50 PM
Assuming (hopefully) that everything arrives from Amazon through the mail in time, I have today completed shopping for Christmas presents (in person and online). I still have things from Amazon and everything needs to be wrapped, but I'm at least this far. Now I feel a little less freaked out about having so little time left. That's one fewer thing left to freak out about ... Posted at 2:07 PM
Empty. Posted at 11:06 AM
Hey! The lottery ticket I bought didn't win. Big surprise ... Posted at 10:41 AM
Mr. Blue Sky is living here today. Mr. Blue Sky please tell us why Posted at 10:12 AM
So tired. Posted at 9:00 AM
I truly enjoy buying presents for people, and Christmas has always been a wonderful time of year for me when I've been able to buy and give gifts. This year - at least so far - is proving to be the exception because I feel so stressed and under the gun to buy gifts in very little available time. Let's face it. I've been having trouble keeping up with normal duties on the few hours I get two days a week while my grandma is at day care. Add to that my cold, my microwave dying, leaves needing raking, and other goofy shit that keeps popping up, and I'm barely keeping up anyhow. How, then, does one look around for gifts from store to store? How can you do that when there's little to no time? And if you do manage to do it, is it even possible to enjoy it? So far it's just been frustrating. I hate that. I should be able to really enjoy this. Still, I have the hope that I can enjoy the time of giving ... but I don't have any clear idea yet whether anybody is coming here for a few days after Christmas or not, so I may not even get the joy of seeing people receive gifts. Ah, the joy of Christmas. It stops when you become a caregiver. Posted at 9:20 AM
I need a vacation just to sleep. Five days - maybe a week of just sleep. No responsibilities, now work, no grandma. I need sleep desperately, and my sleep deprivation is turning into exhaustion. I need rest desperately. And of course, since no rest at all is going to be coming my way, everything and everyone become more crazy and idiotic and incompetent and frustrating and further drag me down. And on the rare chances my grandma is at daycare and I can get away to shop and run errands of course it rains with temperatures in the low thirties, ensuring that the draining sinuses, cough, added headache, added body aches, and lethargy of this stupid cold persist long after the cold should have run its course, all of these effects once again adding to my increased absolute exhaustion. Death is probably the only way I'll get sleep, and as usual that looks comforting. And heck, at this rate it may be closer than I think. Posted at 11:15 AM
Just how incompetent can one Adult Day Care center be? I'm constantly surprised that the answer is: "Even more than you could imagine yesterday." I should not have to argue for forty minutes that X number of days at the daily cost minus verified payments of Y dollars each leaves a simple amount of Z due, not Z plus the difference of X and Y yet also not including one of those payments. Yes, you read that right. Confusing isn't it? Better yet, try annoying. I have been patient with them driving my grandma home with the windows of the car down and driving her home without her coat on - thereby resulting in a cold as one would expect in Winter weather; I have learned to live with the completely inconsistent pickup times or drop off times; I have reluctantly accepted my grandma being sent home in adult diapers that were clearly soiled much earlier in the day; I have learned to accept (but still be mystified) at my grandma being sent home with three pairs of adult diapers layered in a bulky mess that barely allows circulation; I have accepted that bandaids often won't be replaced after her shower even on open wounds; I have learned to accept that her extra sets of clothes (kept in a box with her name on it) are routinely lost and she is sent home in other clothes after an accident; I have accepted that communications are erratic at best coming from the staff - particularly in written form as they have no consistent or reliable delivery system; I have accepted that cash from outside services meant to pay for my grandma but sent directly to the adult day care center must be watched for or lost in the shuffle; and as many problems as it has caused I have accepted that although the practices of moving my grandma around at daycare have led to her refusing to walk and her barely being able to stand they were necessary for the staff to manage my grandma and dozens of others. I've accepted a lot, and honestly I would have accepted very little of it if I had any alternative at all other than giving up and placing my grandma in a nursing home. It is beyond aggravating, however, and I am very frustrated that such things are allowed to happen. If things like this occurred in a children's daycare there would be deep investigations by the media and a number of government agencies, but since it's elderly people nobody is accountable. And since it's the elderly there are no alternatives. This stinks, and I am incensed. I accept this bullshit but I don't have to like it, and rest assured that if anything worse happens I will not simply accept it. I've reached my tolerance level for incompetence and gross neglect. If my grandma suffers as a result of these people, heads will roll. Posted at 12:02 PM
Welcome to Zombie Land: Population - my grandmother. I truly don't understand the zombiefication of my grandma. I can understand being bored or tired or having difficulty focusing on something and thus not being able to enjoy it as much, but I don't get just ignoring a newspaper or photo album or the TV - or even a meal - just to stare off into space and think of nothing. I could even understand if it was looking back on old memories or even possibly daydreaming, but zoning out on nothing at all is beyond me. Yet here we are, and that is my grandma much of the time now. And the worst thing is that I never really cared for zombies anyhow. Vampires, werewolves, sure. Zombies - meh. What's so interesting about a zombie? Nothing, that's what. Posted at 10:28 AM
Well ... The microwave is clearly not going to be fixed by me. I can only hope the local repair shop can get it working. That means a week or so without my micro, though, and that's a pain in the ass. The optimization on the computer finally is done to the extent I can do anything with it, but it sadly doesn't improve things as I had hoped, so I'm still stuck with problems I can't overcome. Despite both of these bits of bad news I am pleased because I'm actually done with that project and while I'll have to find solutions to these things, those are different projects, not the one that's been hanging around forever. Posted at 11:20 AM
Yesterday went rather well - in some ways unexpectedly great ... and that should have been my warning right there. Last night, after a decent day of things working well and going according to plan or even as hoped, my microwave gave out in an odd fashion (starts working normally and then just stops microwaving but all other power is constant). After a couple failed retries I switched to my grandma's micro to finish my dinner, and I have yet to fully experiment with my own micro, but I suspect nothing I can do will make it work right and thus I'll have to take a still relatively new micro to the repair shop. Later I ran a TechTool program on my main computer to try to clean up and optimize the drive. Unfortunately I couldn't adjust the energy-saver settings while running from the TechTool disc, and the program constantly needed the mouse moved or it would go to sleep. I did this until about 2:30 AM and then decided maybe it would just shut down the monitor - either way I needed sleep. This morning, upon waking at 7:30, I found the computer locked up and constantly searching the CD-ROM. I was able to reboot to the disc, found - s expected - that the directories were screwed up since the optimization hadn't finished, and fortunately was able to repair the directories and restart the computer in working order. I still haven't finished the optimization or some other stuff I wanted to do, but at least I dodged a bullet on what could have been the need for a complete rebuild from scratch of my computer. Still, it's 9:00 now, I have to get my grandma cleaned up, and I've had incredibly little sleep. This is not the recipe for a good start to the day. Hopefully things will work out, but even if they do I'm going to be one tired puppy. Posted at 9:03 AM
Amazing as it seems, I was able to get everything done yesterday that I had hoped to do. You have no idea how long it has been since I could say that. As I mentioned yesterday I was up before the crack of dawn, and after cleaning up a bit I got my grandma up and got both of us cleaned up, dressed, breakfasted, and ready to go. I was able to get my grandma to adult daycare early and then made it to Elyria just in time for my eight o'clock appointment at the Hyundai dealership. This visit was the final phase of my purchase, the application of Xzilon sealant that protects my paint as well as the fabric, leather, an plastics on the interior - all warrantied for five years against fading, stains, or even rips. It's supposed to even make it incredibly easy to wash off bugs that have built up on the front of the car. There wasn't time t apply this when I first bought the car because the dealership was backed up with orders for Xzilon, so I had to come back (which worked out well except for having to wake up at five AM). I had a free rental car for the day while the Xzilon was applied. I got a Chevy Aveo, and I was instantaneously made so happy and appreciative of my new car. The Aveo was brand new but was cheap looking and had a crappy engine on the highway. I'm even more confident now that I'd dropped the Aveo off the list of cars I was looking at before I even got to test driving. Anyhow, I drove back to Sandusky, made a quick stop at the pharmacy, and then went back to the house, changed, and went to work clearing leaves. Leaf pickup started yesterday so I wanted to have things ready, and the yard was full of leaves and needles. It took hours but I finally got it all cleared away and piled up. Now hopefully the city will send the crews out as they're supposed to. These last leaf pickups are always sketchy, and many times the leaves just sit there all Winter. Hopefully that won't be the case. Some stretching, a quick shower, and some lunch afterwards and I was feeling okay - which was amazing for having had little sleep and just having raked leaves. I raced through a few more small tasks around the house and eve had time to read a couple chapters of an online story before I was told my car was ready and could head back. I went and got the car, got back just before my grandma was due to be dropped off by the day care people, and spent the rest of the night caring for her and winding up a few more small tasks I'd hoped to accomplish. And amazingly I got them all done! It may not seem like a big deal, but it's rare for me to accomplish everything I want and need to do on these days my grandma is at day care. This was truly a treat. Posted at 10:17 AM
Getting up at 5 AM is evil, pure evil. Sure, it's fine for farmers; I can understand farmers' hours. Why should anyone ese have to get up at that hour, however --- particularly me, the lowly caregiver for an elderly lady. Well, there simply isn't any good reason. I may have to do it, but I don't have to like it and I don't have to agree with it. ... and until I'm making a very decent wage, I don't plan to ever do it again. Posted at 1:43 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2011
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