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January 2012

 

bullet January 31, 2012

My car has now been mine for two and a half months now, and with the unusually high temperatures I finally had a good chance to run through the car wash and wipe things down. I wasn't the only person with this idea, so it took a bit longer than I'd expected, but it's all done and looking and feeling much better.

I spent time with my grandma before all of that and checked with a couple nurses about how things have been going between my visits, and things seem to be going well - just like what it seems when I'm there.

It's good to be getting other things accomplished while still watching out for my grandma. It was seeming for a while there like my days were spent being with my grandma, driving back and forth to the house, eating meals, or finally going to bed - and nothing left in between. Now I'm finally getting errands or cleanings or tasks done around still being with my grandma and checking up with her nurses and therapists. I still don't have as much free time as it seems like there should be when I'm not directly caring for my grandma minute by minute, but I'm at least now managing to sit down for a moment here or there and be a little more relaxed. I'm still beat by the end of the day, but the occasional break during the day makes things much more bearable.

Posted at 1:01 PM
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bullet January 30, 2012

Why is it that if living is this difficult and frustrating and depressing that it isn't more rewarding?

Posted at 9:58 AM
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bullet January 29, 2012

My grandma has now been away from the house for two weeks between the hospital and the skilled care center. It seems like a month or more.

This whole thing is exhausting and it feels like I've been worrying and rushing around for weeks. Now, just as things seem to be coming together - albeit slowly - things seem like they're returning a bit more to a normal speed, and with a moment to look around me it feels like this has been going on much longer than two weeks.

My guess is that we have another two weeks of rest and therapy before full recovery - maybe more, even - and it's hard to see that two weeks as being very much. It's like it looks like it will fly by.

Am I in some sort of reality distortion field? A time bubble? Is this all just a bad dream? It seems completely unreal much of the time. But maybe that's better than directly facing reality.

Posted at 9:48 AM
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bullet January 28, 2012

My mom left yesterday morning for her own home in Alabama where there's lots of problems with excessive rains and flooding. She'll have her hands full there, and I remain here to keep an eye on things and encourage my grandma to get better. At some point - hopefully soon - I'll be able to move my grandma back home and care for her, but meanwhile I need to visit her regularly, keep her motivated, and keep her nurses and therapists motivated.

As much as I want to just take a break and rest, I know how important it is to encourage my grandma and her therapists, so I'll be spending a lot of time at the skilled care facility and just traveling back nand forth. I do need to get a more smooth routine, though. The back and forth I was doing while my mom was here leaves little time to even sit for a minute until the very end of the day, and I was exhausted physically as well as mentally. The first move, I think, is to switch to two visits a day rather than three (or sometimes four). Even if those two visits are longer, it will cut out some of the back-and-forth, and it will allow me to pace my days a bit better.

Today the snow will force me to cut back my number of visits regardless. It's not a huge snowfall, but it's unrelenting, and until it stops around two or three, it's accumulating solidly. It's better to wait until it's done, clear it, then go out to see my grandma. And I have to admit, waking up and getting cleaned up in a relaxed fashion around watching a little TV and surfing the net is nice, relaxing even. I'll be all clean, fed, and ready to go, and even all surfed around the web, well before ten AM, and I'll have done it leisurely and without the rush and stress. It's great.

Hopefully I can find ways like this to be a bit more relaxed and balance my time with my grandma with some mental recuperation time for myself. That would be a good thing for both of us by the time my grandma comes home.

Posted at 9:34 AM
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bullet January 27, 2012

I scraped the edge of one of the rims on my car yesterday, and it's bothering me.

The car parked in the next spot was right along the line, so I swung to the farther edge of the space, but I brushed the curb on that side and it was enough to scrape the tire and rim. It's not huge - maybe no more than an eight inch in from the edge for one and a half inches - but it means my tires and my car aren't perfect any more.

Nobody but me will ever notice, but I'll know - and of course it's the front driver's-side tire, so I'll see it every time I get in the car.

It's not a big deal in the big scheme of things, particularly considering everything that's been going on with my grandma, but it still bothers me. What can I say?

Posted at 1:49 PM
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bullet January 26, 2012

Houston, we have a bowel movement.

Now aren't you glad you checked out this website?

My grandma hadn't pooped for five days, just longer than the amount of time she's been receiving a near-continuous feed from the feeding tube, and my mother and I have been increasingly concerned. Nobody else has had our level of worry, but the charge nurse took heed and added prune juice to the feeding tube, and that made an almost immediate impact. My grandma is in fact sleeping the most soundly we've seen her sleep in three days, and I feel fairly confident that it's largely due to being more comfortable and less weighed down.

Now for future reference, I have no plans to discuss poop in the future on this website - just to put you at ease - but this was, we felt, the last major concern with my grandma health-wise, and we are now past the point of worry.

From this point it's just a matter of rest and physical therapy. My grandma should regain her strength day by day, and I have every reason to believe she will be back home soon and doing her best to drive me crazy.

Posted at 11:49 AM
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bullet January 25, 2012

I can't deny that this is a break from my usual routine taking care of my grandma, but when I was wishing for a break from taking care of her I was thinking more along the lines of a period of freedom and relaxation while somebody else watched over my grandma and I didn't have to worry. Right now just about all I do is worry, and the back and forth to be with her and check up on her condition is exhausting.

I still need a break, but just so there's no confusion: I want a break to relax while someone I trust is caring for my grandma and she is healthy and in good hands.

Posted at 1:44 PM
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bullet January 24, 2012

My grandma was discharged from the hospital and sent to Providence Care, a skilled nursing facility where she can get physical and occupational therapy to strengthen her before returning her home. The discharge was somewhat abrupt and certainly without warning, but all seems well with the arrangements at the rehab facility, so I suppose that's all that matters.

My grandma herself is tired and not terribly responsive this morning, and I hope to see her more 'with it' later today or certainly in the coming days. I'm concerned about her still, but I'm confident she's past the anything dangerous.

Posted at 2:35 PM
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bullet January 23, 2012

My grandma seems much better today - tired but not exhausted and able to communicate back and forth fairly clearly. She's done well with physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy, but tires quickly. Her vitals are good and she's been fully taken off oxygen, and her feeding has proceeded without any trouble through the feeding tube. She's still tired and tires very quickly with each activity, but she's recovering quickly.

The big mystery remains when she moves ahead from here, but I'm personally more than happy for her to have as much time as possible to regain her strength before a transfer to a skilled nursing/rehab facility. I want her to be fully ready to bear the new regimen and not tire out immediately. My biggest worry is that she'll be sent to a skilled facility and then booted out right away with claims that they've gone as far as they can and she's not improving.

Once again we're back to the waiting game.

Posted at 12:51 PM
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bullet January 22, 2012

... and we're back to major crazy.

My grandma was very full of anxiety and very full of dementia last night - to the point that I was holding her down at certain times. She was given a shot that should have calmed her down, and perhaps it did to the extent that she wasn't struggling as much, but it only seems like once we got to this morning that she is finally relaxing enough to sleep. It's possible this is exhaustion and the normal dementia, but it was a rare extreme for my grandma. It's also possible that this was a sort of reaction from her body to the surgery - albeit minor - that inserted her feeding tube. Either way, her overall state last night was very upsetting.

This morning she calmed down and slept, and hopefully she will sleep through much of today and tonight. I'm still worried that what we saw last night wasn't just an aberration, but it's easy to worry when so much os totally up in the air. It's difficult to deal with any of this when you have no idea where any of this will lead.

So hopefully sleep and at least resting wakefulness will dominate today. My grandma needs rest more than anything now, and I hope she can start getting that.

Posted at 12;: 34 PM
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bullet January 21, 2012

Clearly my grandma is doing better with sustenance, but she won't readily sleep and that is keeping her weak. She is talking non-stop, pretty much all reminiscences and memories, but keeping herself awake by doing so, even as her eyes droop and her speech slurs. She honestly just needs to relax and sleep.

It could realistically take her weeks to get back to a decent level of restedness after all she's been through, but at best she probably has a couple days or three before decisions are made based upon her performance, and she's going to be tired for sure, even if she would sleep more over this weekend.

Hopefully she'll get more rested and thereby more stronger soon, but she's got a long way to go.

Posted at 3:37 PM
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bullet January 20, 2012

So now - after a day of poking, prodding, and evaluations - my grandma had a small operation to insert a feeding tube to her stomach. It has been a long day for her, and she is clearly very worn out, but being able to get some proper nutrition and calories into her system should help her recover her strength better.

It has been a very long day for my mother and I talking to one person after another and trying to understand all of this and make arrangements and be prepared and make sure everything's covered. It's exhausting going through all of this stuff.

These are strange days, and the only constant is extreme exhaustion.

Wheeee!!!!!

Posted at 5:22 PM
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bullet January 19, 2012

My grandma improves but worsens as well!

Last night we moved my grandma out of ICU into a standard (single) room. Her vitals were strong and stable; her hydration was back to par. Some blood had been added to resolve some anemia. And much seemed to be going well.

However -

My grandma today failed her second swallowing test which may lead to the need for a feeding tube (but this is up in the air). My grandma continues to have diarrhea even though she has had no foods for two days, and her bottom is sore and red as a result. And my grandma had a pink tint to her diarrhea twice which may indicate internal bleeding somewhere, which - although not probably in large amounts - is still a problem.

My grandma also did well with a physical therapy evaluation, sitting up and standing with help, so there are many good signs. It's just that there are a number of troubling things as well.

The worst aspect is that nobody has any clear idea where any of this leads or how soon. They know, s surely what the options are, but they are still waiting for more data to make suggestions and decisions, and as a result we are just left in a holding pattern of worry.

Fun times.

Posted at 5:05 PM
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bullet January 18, 2012

It's amazing, but I'm more exhausted with this back-and-forth visiting at the hospital and the constant worrying than I was with the minute-to-minute day-after-day duties caring for my grandma. I slept fairly decently last night for the first time in three days, but I'm still exhausted. I also think I'm just barely managing to hold off a cold from developing. Any way you look at it I'm exhausted.

Posted at 12:01 PM
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bullet January 17, 2012

Improvement is steady for my grandma, but there's still no clear idea of how long her recovery will take or if she will be back to something like her previous level of performance - which means I don't know when or even IF she will be coming home.

My grandma's physical health is steadily improving, and she is now sleeping regularly, which at this point seems nearly the most important thing in her recovery. There are still a bunch of unknowns, but her vitals are all stable and her mind is actually quite clear. All signs look good - with the exception of the fact that she's confined to a bed and has had trouble swallowing - neither of which are insubstantial concerns.

So we now play a sort of waiting game and force ourselves just to wait and watch things as they unfold. I'd personally rather know more about what the future holds, but nobody is willing to do more than hazard vague guesses, so we're not any better off than having been told nothing at all.

She will live, but will she be in a condition where I can still manage her care at home? I have no clue. That is more frustrating than I can express.

Posted at 4:19 PM
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bullet January 16, 2012

My grandma is much improved. We've gone from a variety of nurses telling me she is very sick and could die to where everyone clearly is pleased and impressed that she has stabilized and improved so much. There are still concerns, still things that need to get better, and still much resting and recuperating to be done, but it seems like we're out of the danger zone. Hopefully we stay that way and my grandma can make a full and quick recovery.

For now my grandma is still in ICU, and I'm more than happy that's the case. I prefer the closer attention to her until a few other things have cleared up, and I think her overall recovery will be faster if she stays in ICU a bit longer. How long she'll be in the hospital in general is a complete unknown to me. I expect at least a few more days, but beyond that I don't know.

I have little doubt that my grandma is exhausted - anyone would be considering all she's gone through - but she seems quite refreshed and energetic today. She's clearly not moving as strongly or smoothly as she should, and her speech is slurred - both signs that she is still quite tired - but you'd be surprised how little she's showing any exhaustion. I don't know how she's doing it because I'm certainly exhausted and even achy, and I didn't go through nearly as much as she did.

So things look good now. My sister got in late last night and my mother will get here in a few more hours, so we're all here to support and encourage my grandma, and hopefully our love will give my grandma even more strength to recover. We'll certainly be keeping a close eye on her.

Posted at 1:45 PM
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bullet January 15, 2012

Oh what a horrible past twenty-nine hours. My grandma got what could have been food poisoning or possibly 24-hour flu and proceeded to repeatedly spew out diarrhea alternately with vomit and more snot than can be imagined. Just as I'd nearly get her cleaned up she'd blow again - all starting at 4 PM and proceeding late into the night - even overnight as I checked her in the wee hours. I got very little sleep; she got none.

Come this morning she was clearly exhausted, and I couldn't even hold her up in a sitting position. She was a complete wet noodle. She also was just not with it enough for me to nurse. I finally decided to call an ambulance, and as happens every time I call the ambulance and send my grandma to the hospital, we spend the whole day there - over five hours of it in the Emergency Room and then - after some growing concerns - to Intensive Care. My grandma was severely dehydrated - more than anyone could explain from flu or food poisoning - and she had very low and uneven blood pressure )and apparently those two things go hand-in-hand).

As of this evening when I left my grandma has largely stabilized and seems to be getting better, but there is still a lot of improvement to be made, and everyone is clear to remind me that she is still very much in danger.

My sister is flying in as I type, and my mother is driving in tomorrow, and all three of us are hopeful my grandma will be showing signs of improvement tomorrow ... but that is all left to be seen.

For me it has been a wearying past thirty-six hours with little sleep, horrible, nightmarish messes I've had to clean up, smells to destructive to describe, and a roller coaster of anxiety and adrenaline that has left me truly weak. I hope I can get some sleep tonight so I'm fresh for a full day tomorrow. I also hope my grandma can sleep some, too as she hasn't slept at all in thirty hours or more.

Sleeeeeep ....

Posted at 9:16 PM
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bullet January 14, 2012

There is much to be said for the actions of selfless, thoughtful, caring people; but it is only the selfish, thoughtless, and cruel who get ahead in life. There is clearly something wrong with that dynamic, but I am unfortunately in no position to change that fact.

Posted at 12:03 PM
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bullet January 13, 2012

What am I doing?

Posted at 9:24 AM
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bullet January 12, 2012

I'd have to say I'm completely captivated by this video by new indie band Red Tambourine. The apparent youth of the band members has no effect upon the great sound and skill, and even the lead singer's voice is indistinguishable from any adult singer (not that he's that young exactly).

The thing that strikes me - other than the catchy rhythm and the simple but excellent lyrics and the great playing and singing - is how much this reminds me of Jim Morrison and the Doors. The physical similarities in Morrison and the lead singer are worth comment but few, but the way they both move; the way they both form their words; the pure casual, sensual fluidity of movement - that is so similar as to make me wonder if Jim Morrison has been reincarnated. It's amazing.

My best wishes to this exceptional band. Their first two (and so far only two) released songs are simply fantastic, and this first video is better than many popular bands ever put out in their entire career. Keep it coming, guys!

Posted at 9:04 AM
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bullet January 11, 2012

I'm in big trouble if the Winter Blah's are this bad already. Winter has barely begun and I feel lethargic, tired, moody, anxious, sad, and melancholy - all at once. And there's still a lot of Winter to go through.

<Sigh>

This is a pathetic excuse for a life. But then again, life in general is a pathetic thing. So what do you do ...

Posted at 11:14 AM
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bullet January 10, 2012

Sad. : (

Posted at 9:38 AM
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bullet January 9, 2012

Eleanor's brain has left the building ...

Posted at 12:10 PM
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bullet January 8, 2012

Where's my American Dream?

Posted at 10:01 AM
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bullet January 7, 2012

I'm incredibly tired but somehow still managing to get things done. Amazing.

Posted at 10:52 AM
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bullet January 6, 2012

What do you do with a senile lady?
What do you do with a senile lady?

What do you do with a senile lady er-lie in the mornin'?

(Sung to the tune of "What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor?")

I could so easily write this ...

Posted at 9:02 AM
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bullet January 5, 2012

Cheap rarely means good. A lower price is great, but that alone does not make a product.

Get it through your heads, people - we'll pay more for a better product that works better and/or lasts longer. We will be angry at products that are low-cost but break easily, have minimal quantities or staying power or lasting quality, or which require constant service or attention.

We're willing to pay you more for a decent product. What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you want to make more money?

Posted at 9:51 AM
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bullet January 4, 2012

I'm slowly but surely getting on top of a list of tasks, errands, and projects that have come up partly as end of the year/beginning of the year projects but also some things that I've wanted to get done or have been trying to get done for a while. It's tiring, honestly, and I'd rather be a couch potato based upon the way I feel right now, but I'm so close to being on top of things that the lure is too strong to let myself rest until I'm now all done.

This is all ridiculous, of course, because just as soon as I get all of these things done something new will pop up demanding my attention (and maybe it won't even wait until I've actually finished all of the other stuff even). Still, I'll keep slogging away and try to get done with everything. It would be a nice place to be.

Posted at 10:03 AM
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bullet January 3, 2012

Tired and achy - not a good combination.

Posted at 12:52 PM
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bullet January 2, 2012

1:2:12 1.2.12

Fun with numbers. The dates in the last couple of years have been full of things like this.

Posted at 1:12 AM
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bullet January 1, 2012

Whoop. Dee. Doo.

Posted at 10:16 AM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © January 2012