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July 2002

 

July 31, 2002

Why is it that bashing guys is okay?

What I'm talking about is stereotyping, discrimination, and outright suggested violence toward men, all claimed as right because our society is a patriarchy and men have been in a superior position over women for years. This isn't something that stems from me disliking women or disliking women's rights - quite the opposite. In fact, I am a strong proponent of equal rights for women. Heck, I'm a proponent of equal rights for everyone, and that's why I'm frustrated and even angry about this guy-bashing.

I can't defend the actions of people from the past. Slavery was wrong; colonialism was wrong; any sort of discrimination based on race, religion, national origin, sex, or sexual orientation is wrong. Everyone is equal and it's that simple. While people have suffered in the past, the way to resolving that wrong is not by doing the same thing to somebody else. If anything, we should all learn from that pain and suffering that the only way for true equality for any type of minority group is through true equality for everybody.

Somehow guys get left out of this, though. And I don't mean white guys - this isn't some white supremacist bullshit lobbying effort. What I'm talking about here is just guys in general who are characterized as all the same, all chauvinists, all slobs, all unemotional, all consumed by only thoughts of sex, and all stupid (or at least not as intelligent as women). Well it's all crap.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: stereotypes are wrong because you can't universally characterize people in any way. There are not only exceptions to such broad generalizations but rarely are even statistical majorities to support the stereotype. And the thing that truly bothers me about the whole situation with men is that it's okay to stereotype and bash them publicly.

If someone made a joke about black people, women, gays, or Buddhists it would be wrong (and I would be among the first to condemn some sort of stereotype or slur against anyone, even if I wasn't part of that minority group). But it seems like men are fair game for anything. "Men only think of sex." "Men actively want to hold women back from equality." "Men are more violent than women." ... I could go on. This sort of blind stereotyping is not only wrong but dangerous - dangerous because it produces the exact attitudes in society that become expected and natural. When a guy is found not to "always be thinking about sex," he's automatically called gay. If he supports women's rights, he's called whipped or accused of trying to get sympathy from a woman for personal gain. And if a guy doesn't like guns or isn't violent, he's a pussy. Or he's gay. Or whatever. It's all bullshit. Just like women aren't all prick teases, manipulators, and better off barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen, men aren't sex-crazed, stupid, and actively working to maintain male control of the world.

And it doesn't end there. The thing that really bothers me is that it's not even enough to stereotype and belittle men, but women actually fantasize, gloat, and laugh about physically hurting men. Granted, the men they usually mention are scumbags, but it's still upsetting. Think John Bobbitt. He was a scumbag, but did he deserve to not only have his penis cut off by his wife but to become the target of feminist jokes the world over? And someone like that's even a bad example. How about just simple stories by women on tv who joke about how much they love to sexually frustrate their men or how they fantasize about hurting them or killing them when they've bee upset about something (and keep in mind here that MEN are supposed to be the violent ones).

Today on tv, on "the View," the cast of five notable women as well as the whole overwhelmingly female audience all laughed long and hard at the true story of a woman who drove here car back and forth over her husband three times after he told her he wanted a divorce because he had fallen in love with another woman. Yeah. Funny stuff.

It just sickens me. Isn't it bad enough that anyone could take pleasure from the pain of others (and in this case the cold-blooded murder of someone), but it becomes a thing of humor for women simply because the victim was a man and, well, men just deserve whatever they get because they're ... well ... men.

Think of this another way. What if it had been a woman run over by her husband. Would anybody laugh? Would they make a joke that she deserved it? What if it was a black person run over by a white person? A gay man by a straight man? A Christian by a Muslim? Would anybody laugh at this? Would anybody even try to make a joke? Would people even think, "Oh, they probably had it coming" or "They deserved it"? Sure, there are probably Klan members and bigots out there who might think so, but I'm talking about sane, civilized people living in the 21st century here. That sort of thing just wouldn't be acceptable. But it's okay if it's a guy.

And maybe I'm biased, but that's just wrong.

Posted at 11:20 PM

 

July 30, 2002

Okay, so who told Vin Diesel that he's attractive? Really?

I just don't see it.

Posted at 9:12 PM

 

July 29, 2002

Drama. Soap opera. Pathetic lives in a fucked up world with no continuity, no meaning, and no relevance. This existence sucks.

... And people wonder why I fantasize about theDreamworld and the possibility of a life with things the way they should be ...

Posted at 11:35 PM

 

July 28, 2002

Go Bill!

It has been increasingly aggravating to me over the last few months to watch the Bush administration and the Republicans in Congress attempt to falsely blame Bill Clinton for all of their problems. How could 9/11 have happened? Well, because Bill Clinton didn't inflate the budget for the military by billions of dollars, that's why; and because Bill Clinton didn't bring the FBI and CIA in new ways of operating that would thwart terrorism. Nevermind the fact that the military under Bill Clinton was strong enough to take care of problems in Bosnia and Kosovo and continue to guard the borders of Iraq and enforce a no-fly-zone. Oh, and nevermind that while Bill Clinton was in office, major terrorist actions against the World Trade Center and the Los Angeles International Airport were thwarted.

And look at the economy - heck, that has to be Bill Clinton's fault, right? I mean, the economy went to shit right after he left office and Bush stepped in; he must have arranged that, right? Nevermind the fact that he had the lowest unemployment rates and greatest economic prosperity in American history during his two terms in office.

Ugh.

It is a long-standing way of doing business for the Republicans to simply make every attempt possible at character assassination and slander against their political foes, particularly when it deflects blame from themselves for something they indeed deserve to be blamed for. And sadly it has always been a policy of the Democrats to try to avoid fighting back because they somehow believe that the American public will be impressed that they are "above it all." That misplaced Democratic honor unfortunately results in multi-million dollar investigations by the Republicans like Whitewater that waste money and undercover nothing (with the exception of a personal sex scandal that had nothing to do with the actual investigation) and inevitably play havoc on the Democratic party even though the Republicans prove nothing except that they are vindictive and can waste money better than anyone else.

But today Bill Clinton finally got fed up and spoke his mind. He was fairly eloquent about it - even polite - but he was quite clear that finger-pointing to financial irresponsibility during his administration that led to the sort of corporate corruption seen in ENRON and WorldCom was not only unfounded but the fault of many people currently in the Bush administration. Accounting safeguards that were proposed during the Clinton Administration were lobbied against by the same people in the Bush Cabinet who now are trying to blame Bill Clinton for the problems on Wall Street. Well I for one am thrilled that the Republicans aren't going to get away with their lies this time. It's about time their propaganda was exposed and thwarted.

Go Bill!

Posted at 12:34 AM

 

July 27, 2002

I watched Top Secret on TV this morning, the old beach movie/spy movie spoof from the '80's with Val Kilmer (I think it was his first movie). This has always been a sentimental favorite for me. While the humor is incredibly juvenile, I can't help laughing any time I see it. This movie came out not long before I finished high school, and it's just one of those things that has stuck with me. In fact, I use quotes from this movie quite regularly, regardless of how long it's been since I've seen it.

Sadly, I was disappointed today at how incredibly mangled the movie was from editing. Granted, a great deal of the humor in the movie is based on sexual innuendo and situations as well as potty humor, but worse stuff generally makes it onto prime time sitcoms, so I was disappointed that the movie was so hacked. Not only were there all sorts of voice-overs, but whole segments had been cut out in dozens of places. It's amazing that the movie ran for a couple of hours, even with commercials. Strangely enough, the movie was still very funny, even with so much missing ... but then again I knew what was missing, too, so I had all of the content in my mind as things went along.

There's something about movies like this that you see while you're still an adolescent. I would have to say, based on my opinion of Adam Sandler and Pauly Shore Movies, that I can find one or two lines to laugh at in any comedy, but the stuff that makes high school kids laugh often doesn't do much for me. And I'm sure the same could be said for the movies that I found amusing in high school as well. I mean, I think "Top Secret" and "Better Off Dead" and other such movies were hilarious, and I still enjoy them, but I wonder if it was just something about that point in my life rather than the movie?

The world may never know ...

Posted at 10:53 PM

 

July 26, 2002

I realized today that there's less than a month now until school starts again. That sucks. I have all sorts of stuff that I still want and need to get done, and time is running very short now. This summer has not been too good for anything: I haven't been able to enjoy myself much, relax fully, or complete the few things (like writing) that I thought I would do over the summer.

And now not only am I depressed and frustrated, but I'm getting angry at having so many things that I still want to do.

This all just sucks.

Posted at 11:56 PM

 

July 25, 2002

Today I'm just going to post some song lyrics. It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. This is a song by the group YES from the album "Talk," and it's called "Walls."

Walls

Don't you know it's my way out
To be on my own.
When I feel like crying out
I do it best alone.
Can you give me love and protection
To shield my heart?
All the fear I feel from doubt
Is tearing me apart.

I wanna love, I wanna give,
I want to find another way to live.
Another shout, another cry,
And the walls come tumbling down.

Don't you know there's now way out -
Your pain's your own.
And the more we scream and shout,
The more we feel alone.
I can feel my anger rising;
Am I to blame?
And I'm not gonna keep it inside me;
Do you feel the same?

I wanna love, I wanna give,
I want to find another way to live.
Another shout, another cry,
And the walls come tumbling down.

And I'm calling you ...

Posted at 12:36 AM

 

July 24, 2002

I've been playing Warcraft III on and off for the past couple of weeks (around reading different books and exploring some new story and comic sites on the web), and I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it.

You see, like millions of people, I have loved the concept and playability of every version of Warcraft and the expansion packs. Warcraft III is no exception, having a good level of fun and difficulty to be engaging and all. But Warcraft III is a different beast. The story-line is much more forced and you feel somewhat manipulated with having to do exactly what fits into the storyline whether you like it or not. That's not to say that I see any easy way around that with what they've created, but the same sort of forced plotline never seemed so frustrating or wrong in Warcraft II or Starcraft. Maybe I'm just disappointed in the story overall.

What I am impressed with is the four playable races, up from two in the old versions of Warcraft and even up from the three species in Starcraft (and I can see this new game engine providing for a kickass new version of Starcraft if Blizzard can create a decent storyline). The races are very balanced for power but this version makes them all incredibly different, not just in their military units but also in the way they collect resources, what their buildings do, and how heroes are handled. It's all quite well done and makes for cool gameplay.

One of the things I'm still not sure how I feel about is the graphics. The 3-D aspect is nice in the way you can rotate your views, but it's awkward in large battles. And while sometimes I like the look of things in the fractal-like graphics (particularly the Undead Scourge), a lot of the graphics just doesn't look good at all (specifically the Humans). I'm still of two minds about the graphics overall, but I tend to lean toward disliking it. Strangely, I think this graphic style will look incredibly cool if used in a new version of Starcraft, but I just don't like a lot of aspects of it for Warcraft.

What I haven't done yet is join in on BattleNet. I figured I'd play the single-player campaign first to get a grip on the whole thing. And honestly, I've never really done much with networked gaming, even though I've had plenty of games that can engage in net-wide competition. I've always felt sure that I'd get sucked in and waste all sorts of hours of my life playing against people I'd never meet in the real world. And while there's nothing wrong with that, I just feel that I have a hard enough time doing everything that I want to in the amount of waking hours I have in a given day. It's a shame that I probably won't do much on BattleNet, though, because I can say with no doubt at all that this game would simply rock as a multiplayer network. In fact, outside of the squirelly graphics issues, I think any hesitations I have about Warcraft III would be nonexistent in networked play. Like I said earlier, the real limitation and frustration for me has centered around the strict storyline, and networked campaigns, while they have a theme and a target, are much less scripted and linear. And who knows, maybe I'll give in and play a bit after all (I mean heck, why not get some good use out of my DSL connection for more than basic websurfing?).

But for the next couple weeks I'll still keep pluggin away at the single-player campaign. I'm well over half way through the third segment of the game, where I play the Orcish Horde, and I'm already anxious to play the Elves in the final segment. But that will come with time. All too soon I'll finish the whole thing, and then I'll be looking for something new. Maybe that will be some attempts at the BattleNet version, and maybe I'll go back to some Civilization III. Realistically, I should get down to revamping the website and writing some new stories and poems, but the gaming has been very relaxing and has helped center me a lot this summer, so I won't throw it aside lightly. Besides, these games are so involved and take up so much time that it's probably better to play them now than once school resumes. One I'm back in classes it'll be back to simpler, shorter games for the most part. That way I won't get too distracted.

And once in a while I'll play an intense, involving game during the semester, but more as a treat to help me survive some serious stress. And that's sure to come. But for now I'm happy with just mindless gaming for fun. That's good stuff.

Posted at 11:54 PM

 

July 23, 2002

Yo! Yo! Yo! Whazzup my peepz? Dis site be da shit now, biznatch!

<shudder, shudder>

Okay, so I can't pull off acting half my age - sue me. Fuck, am I really this old?

<shudder, shudder>

Either way of thinking just sends chills down my spine. I am so out of touch.

Posted at 11:54 PM

 

July 22, 2002

Oh boo-hoo, the bottom is falling out of the stock market. Wah.

I can't say that I have any sympathy for American investors. Really. There are lots of reasons, and to be honest people have brought these problems upon themselves, both due to stupidity and greed (but mostly stupidity). Let's look at all of this closely:

First - the Stock Market is really just a legal form of gambling. Really. While the performances of major companies isn't exactly the same as the performance of a racehorse or a roulette wheel, the bottom line is the same - you do your research, find out which stocks (or racehorses) perform well, look for a good opportunity to make money (low stock price bound to go up or good odds on the horse), and place your money. If you're a good gambler, you watch how your stock (horse) performs all the time, and if things look uncertain then you pull out (and sell your stocks or don't bet on the next race). The buying public is fickle and businessmen often make mistakes, so there is no "sure bet" on stocks. Even worse, corruption is rampant in corporate America (and don't even think about suggesting that whole idea that there are "only a very few bad eggs" in the market), and the bottom line is that your stock could drop in seconds and lose you your entire life's savings if you were stupid enough to lay it all on the line in one place. And that's what most of America does. If people lose out on the Stock Market, they were either stupid or unprepared, and with what the market really is (a big gamble), being unprepared is just another way of being stupid.

Second - most people would make more money by putting their money into government bonds or long-term CD's than they will average out from their collective stocks, and the FDIC insures them against ever losing a cent of those investments, but people are greedy and want the chance for a quick extra buck that might come out of a stock that rises up really well. Some people manage to become millionaires by investing early in a company like Microsoft or e.Bay (or AT&T in the old days), but some people win the state lottery, too. The odds are not too different. While this may sound a lot like the first point (what with the gambling comparison and all), it is different in that the point I'm making here is not that people bring their own stock market problems upon themselves because they're simply stupid but they bring those problems upon themselves because they're greedy. Plain and simple.

Third - Bill Clinton got elected largely due to one short phrase in his debates with George Bush, Sr., namely, "It's the economy, stupid." Not only has George W. Bush (our current Emperor) seemingly forgotten this lesson in humility, but so has the American public. Bush was quoted as recently as today as saying that the American economy is strong and people should just have confidence in the market, even after a huge drop on Friday and then again today which has brought the Stock Market to rates that are the lowest since the "Black Friday" crash seen in the 80's. But the economy is strong. Unemployment is up and people are getting laid off left and right, but the economy is strong. State governments (and the federal government, too, for that matter) are over budget and causing deficit spending, having wiped out all surpluses and rainy-day funds. But the economy is strong. Or maybe Emperor Bush is just a dumbass. Based on historical facts, I'd side with Bush being a dumbass. But get this - recent polls say that while most Americans are troubled about the economy, more than they are about terrorism, surprisingly, even with that they still don't think it's Emperor Bush's fault or that nobody else would probably have done any better. Never mind the fact that the same economic crash occurred during the Reagan and Bush administrations and were finally overcome during the Clinton years only to recur in the Bush era (see a trend here?) ... but the polls further suggest that some people even think it's Bill Clinton's fault! What fools! Even more astounding is that polls show that people think the Republicans have better ideas of how to manage government monies than the Democrats and that the Democrats just want to spend everything on social programs. Hmmm ... I wonder why it is then that we had economic prosperity better than at any other time in US history during the two Democratic Clinton terms? And I wonder how it was that the US (and the world) were pulled out of the Great Depression (which came as the result of horribly failed Republican administrations) through the salvation of the Democratic administration of Franklin Roosevelt and his "crazy" social programs like the New Deal and the WPA (which got people food, jobs, and homes [Those bastards! How dare they improve the quality of life and solve the economic slump of the country!]). The absolute stupidity of the American people amazes me at times, but to think that Emperor Bush and his fascist, elitist regime are helping the average guy is ludicrous! And for this, too, the American people seem to deserve to lose their shirts as the market crumbles before them.

And lastly the big thing that kills me is how blind everybody is to the real problem. It's not corporate crime or whether people have faith in the Stock Market - it's an issue of whether the masses have jobs to support themselves. Without a job, you don't invest in the market. Even more, you pull your money out of the market so that you can eat. And add to that the fact that you don't buy things that would cause the companies that are in the market to make money. Bill Clinton and FDR both realized this, and they knew that the key to a good economy was low unemployment and lots of new, good-paying jobs. Emperor Bush and everyone else want to blame the market or the corporate big-wigs, but the real issue is linked directly to employment statistics, and this is something that Bill Clinton clearly proved is something the American President can affect. Sadly, GW Bush is indeed affecting it, but the effects are all bad. Until people realize that and solve the problem, things will only continue to get worse. And believe me, I expect things to get phenomenally worse for quite a while before they show even the slightest signs of getting better. But the key is facing the harsh reality.

And until people place the blame where it belongs, I don't have any sympathy for people losing their savings. They're just being stupid (or maybe greedy), and that's nobody's fault but their own.

Posted at 12:24 AM

 

July 21, 2002

Well hell, nobody wants five bucks. Just my luck.

Posted at 12:10 AM

 

July 20, 2002

Who wants an easy five bucks? Anybody? Five bucks if you'll kill me. Come on, you know you want to ... and five bucks - how can you refuse?

Posted at 11:00 PM

 

July 19, 2002

Just so that nobody gets the impression that I think old Georgie-boy Bush is coming up with all of these creepy dictatorial, fascist ideas himself, let me set the record straight. It's Bush, Cheney, Rice, Powell, and Ashcroft at the top of a chain of many power-mad freaks who are hell-bent on destroying our free, just way of life. You doubt me? But why? When have I lied to you yet?

Take more news today about our buddy John Ashcroft, and his next step in his ongoing campaign of deception and villainy. Goebels would have been proud.

Posted at 11:40 PM

 

July 18, 2002

Blarg. Blarg, I say.

Posted at 12:14 AM

 

July 17, 2002

Bleh. I hate hot, humid weather. The heat this summer sucks just too much, and having no air conditioning isn't helping.

Posted at 9:39 PM

 

July 16, 2002

I know that I must seem like some freaky, conspiracy-theory nut who's crazed with visions of George Bush being the spawn of the devil, but I just can't help being outraged and even worried about all of the developments coming out of Washington. Heck, it's like new, frightening things are coming out every day at this point, and I'm really getting scared out of my mind about everything that's happening. And what scares me the worst is that the masses of America don't know and don't care, some people even going so far as to cheer the president on.

Consider yesterday's Journal entry and the TIPS Program. Two major network news sources discussed this program today, clearly pointing out that private citizens are being recruited to spy on their neighbors, and the overwhelming majority of the newspeople involved thought that this was a great idea because "it will stop terrorists." (I loved the fact that one of the dissenting newspeople commented that if someone saw their neighbor making bombs in their garage, they should just call the police anyhow - they shouldn't be part of a new branch of government).

And while yesterday's news still has me shaken up, ol' G.W. doesn't even pause for us to take this all in. Now, in today's news, he is asking for sweeping new powers that would: allow him to spend funds without Congressional approval; allow him to command the entire National Guard (National Guards have always been exclusively administered and controlled by the states and their governors); and would allow him to use military personnel in place of police (something which has been disallowed since the Civil War (but it would make it so much easier to declare Martial Law and create a police state. In fact, without direct control of their individual state National Guards, how could any state stop him if he did that? Makes you wonder ...). There's actually even more things he wants from this, and it all just amazes and frightens me. It's like being in a bad post-apocalyptic novel and seeing how democracy will crumble easily if people allow it.

Let me sum this up with a thought: Evil does not need the support of the masses to succeed, only their apathy.

Posted at 11:15 PM

 

July 15, 2002

Seems that I was closer to the truth in yesterday's Journal entry than I had even realized. That's not to say that I wasn't quite serious yesterday, but the whole comparison of Bush to Napoleon seemed, even to me, a bit strained. Bush definitely is drunk on power and sees himself as the ruler of the world, but he hasn't yet quite dissolved the rest of his government and declared himself Emperor and dictator of the world.

But then Bush does it again, this time with the TIPS Program. It just boggles the mind. This is the exact thing that Hitler instituted when he first became Chancellor of Germany, all the way at the beginning of his rise to power as he created a culture of fear and power in Germany long before he invaded Poland and showed himself to be insanely bent on dominating the world and shaping it into his twisted vision. Or forget the Hitler reference - what about American precedents like the Salem Witch Trials or the McCarthy Anti-Communism Campaign - just a bunch of common citizens indicting people they don't like because it's convenient and fits the 'get-them-before-they-get-you" attitude.

Anyhow, read the link above and follow up by viewing this comment from Tom Tomorrow's website {Note: I don't make a habit of copying other people's blogs, but this fits exactly with my feelings}.

Operation TIPS

There's an alarmist article about this in the Sydney Morning Herald, written by a man named Ritt Goldstein who--Criswell predicts!--will be dismissed out of hand by many as an America hater due to his biography: an investigative journalist and a former leader in the movement for US law enforcement accountability...he has lived in Sweden since 1997, seeking political asylum there, saying he was the victim of life-threatening assaults in retaliation for his accountability efforts.

So I just thought I'd acknowledge that up front. But let's forget Mr. Goldstein for a moment and look at the government's own description of Operation TIPS:

Operation TIPS - the Terrorism Information and Prevention System - will be a nationwide program giving millions of American truckers, letter carriers, train conductors, ship captains, utility employees, and others a formal way to report suspicious terrorist activity. Operation TIPS, a project of the U.S. Department of Justice, will begin as a pilot program in 10 cities that will be selected.

Operation TIPS, involving 1 million workers in the pilot stage, will be a national reporting system that allows these workers, whose routines make them well-positioned to recognize unusual events, to report suspicious activity. Every participant in this new program will be given an Operation TIPS information sticker to be affixed to the cab of their vehicle or placed in some other public location so that the toll-free reporting number is readily available.

No word as to whether they'll be getting black Nightwatch armbands as well. (Geek reference there--sorry.)

Whether or not Goldstein overstates the case in his article by stating that "the US will have a higher percentage of citizen informants than the former East Germany"--and I suspect this claim will be subject to vigorous debate in the days to come--this is still scary stuff. We've already seen hints of things to come--the college student who was questioned by the authorities because someone reported that she had some sort of political poster hanging on her wall; the art gallery which got a visit from the Secret Service (or maybe FBI, I don't remember) because someone else was made nervous by the political theme of their exhibit. And you can chuckle at these examples and say, what's the big deal, no harm done, it's not like they're being tortured in a back room or something. And you've got a valid point, and I'll concede that up front. But what's worrisome is: how far does it go? Even if it's nothing more serious than this sort of petty harrassment--is that the America you want to live in? Spending five hours being grilled by serious men with badges and guns because some idiot delivery boy misinterpreted an anti-Bush poster hanging on your wall as a statement of solidarity with terrorism? Is that okay because "the innocent have nothing to hide"?

I know that many of you prefer to live as if you awaken each day in a world made anew--why on earth would we worry about giving the FBI broad and sweeping new powers?--but I'm going to go way out on a limb here and say flat out: there are things to be learned from the lessons of history. And an official government system by which citizens are encouraged to spy on their neighbors should really set the alarm bells ringing.

Fascism is a term thrown about too freely, and I don't believe we're at a point that its use is justified--but an oppressive and intrusive government, however you want to label it, does not ride into town wearing the uniforms and waving the flags of recognizable evil. It creeps in slowly, wrapped in the flag of your own country, and speaking the language of patriotism and duty, and at each step along the way, its actions seem plausible and defensible--until one morning you wake up and realize the gulf between the way things were and the way things are has grown so wide that there is no going back. Sinclair Lewis tried to point this out more than a half century ago, and given the current climate, It Can't Happen Here is well worth re-reading (or reading for the first time, if you've never come across it before).

When I wrote this cartoon a few months ago, people told me I was being a silly alarmist. Now it's actually happening. Satire cannot keep up with reality these days, and it's pretty disturbing. As one of several readers who sent me a link to the TIPS program wrote: "I'm a Republican and this scares the shit out of me." And it should scare you, too.

I couldn't have put it better.

Posted at 11:19 PM

 

July 14, 2002

Viva la France!

On this Bastille Day, the anniversary of the French Revolution, I am astonished to realize that there are frightening similarities in modern America to the developments of the French Revolution and Bastille Day. We're already free, democratic, and (for the most part) not an aristocracy, but look at the comparison. The wealthy class does have major control of the country while the masses are suckered into thinking that they really have control. The country is at war with the whole world, or at least everyone who is a terrorist or has ever been near a terrorist or who has ever heard of a terrorist. People in our country are considered unpatriotic and treasonous if they don't follow the dictates of the Emperor Napoleon ... I mean Bush. And that's where the big comparison starts - not even so much with Bastille Day itself but what it led up to with Napoleon losing his credibility as a champion of the people and universal freedom and becoming a fascist dictator hell-bent on dominating the peoples of the world or killing them in the process. Sadly, I see all of this as comparable to George Bush and his fascist march across the world in the name of freedom ... or is it capitalism? or sadism? It's so hard to tell anymore.

So in the spirit of the day, let me call upon all of you - rise up, oh downtrodden masses deserving of freedom, equality, and self-governance. Take back your country; eject the administration (and other parts of our government) who are working to suppress and eliminate your rights. Defend your rights and your country, not with arms but with speech, with thought, and with your votes (while you still have that right of elected government still allowed to you and others). Save your country and your fellow countrymen for yourselves and your posterity.

The alternative is not pretty, and Napoleon didn't have nuclear weapons and the power of phenomenal technology. Emperor Bush does. His ability to continually fail to show self-restraint is not encouraging, and who's to say he won't go the way of other overzealous potentates? It's just a chance we can't afford to take.

Posted at 11:44 PM

 

July 13, 2002

So I survived another visit from my mother today. While I in many ways love my mother, I am getting to the point where I just don't want to see her. Maybe not so bad as not wanting to ever see her, but enough to not want to see her very often. She just manages to piss me off and/or depress me so much whenever I see her that it drives me crazy. Do I really owe anything to the woman form giving me birth? I mean, seriously, I wish I wasn't alive most of the time anyhow, so why should I give her any credit for bringing me into a dysfunctional world where I was destined to be miserable?

And on that happy note, I'll just stop now before I do any more bitching and moaning.

Posted at 11:47 PM

 

July 12, 2002

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
- Oscar Wilde.

Posted at 11:22 PM

 

July 11, 2002

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx.

Posted at 11:34 PM

 

July 10, 2002

This morning I was reading on the steps outside, a nice breeze comfortably rolling over me, while I was waiting for the FedEx Ground driver who didn't leave my package yesterday because nobody was in the Arts Center office. I waited from about 8 AM until almost Noon before he showed up, and while I was waiting I was joined for a while with a nice conversation from two 10-year olds.

Lee had arrived around 10 AM, ready to staff the office, and with her granddaughter Nicole in tow. Only a few minutes later Robert, the handyman for the building, arrived with his son Michael, who is visiting for the summer (he lives with his mother out West). So while Lee and Robert got things going with what they needed to do, Nicole and Michael hung out with me and talked. Sadly Michael wasn't around long before he had to help his dad move a bunch of things, but Nicole and I still had a great chat. She's a very intelligent little girl and she has all sorts of interests. Since I was reading, we talked about books for a while. The book is A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice. She hadn't ever heard of him so I explained that he was Anne Rice's son. That didn't connect for her either until I explained he vampire series and mentioned the movies ("Interview with the Vampire" and "Queen of the Damned") which were based on her books. Apparently Nicol is a big horror movie fan, so we chatted about that for a while. And we talked about music and band and about her brother and my sister. We had a lot to talk about. Pretty weird in a way with me being 35 and her just 10, but it was great.

It was encouraging, actually. I'm still having all of these jumbled thoughts about how I relate to young boys, and I can honestly say that there just isn't any doubt that the overwhelming draw is my desire to be a father. I relate more to boys, so I'm drawn to them, but I could just as easily be a father to a little girl - it's all the same to some extent, just that I'm not really up on really girly-type things. That and the fact that I have a problem with a little girl growing up without a close female influence, which is clearly something I wouldn't have readily handy. Don't get me wrong, I think little boys need female influence, too, but not as much as a little girl. While I think my female friends and my sister and grandmother and certain other female relatives would be solid feminine influences for a boy, they wouldn't be omnipresent enough for the sort of comfort a little girl would need to develop with her gender. I don't know ... maybe I'm just way off on this, but this is my feeling.

And somewhere out there, as some of you know, I do have a little girl. I've never seen her, and she is 13 this year, and I hurt not knowing what she's like. The choice was taken away from me by her mother, who didn't tell me about her until she had been born and given away for adoption. I had no control over that situation, but I still feel very upset about not having been involved in that choice, because I never would have allowed her to be given up, even if the mother didn't want to be involved. Usually thinking about this really gets me upset, but it didn't affect me as much today. Maybe it was the fact that I was already depressed from thinking about being alone and ... well, you've been reading this for days ... you get the picture ... anyhow, I don't think it was that so much as it was just so nice to talk with Nicole, and for once I just enjoyed the moment for what it was. It's sad that the best conversation I've had all week is with a 10-year old girl, but who am I to complain.

Posted at 11:16 PM

 

July 9, 2002

I've had a headache since last night, and even though I try to do things to occupy myself or try to focus on other things (like I tried with yesterday's Journal entry), I can't get past this issue that Graham has caused me to focus upon. It's strange, really, because my eventually-to-be-serialized story (which is still stuck with only one chapter in total) is supposed to consider this whole mess and similar issues. That's why I titled it "Hope, Need & Fear." I think I've already conveyed the 'fear' part of this issue and maybe even the 'need' part, but the 'hope' part is what you need to understand to really see why this hurts me so much.

My life hasn't often been pleasant, and when it has, never for long. I have had more than my fair share of bad breaks, been hurt and taken advantage of by more than a reasonable number of people who in many cases were supposed to be my closest friends, and I have certainly made far more bad decisions than likely anyone you'll ever hear about. Throughout bullying, teasing, harassment, physical abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, personal terrorism, hatred, and rejection, I spent most of my life persevering, telling myself that "it would be better when..."

It would be better when I got to middle school. Or high school. Or college. It would be better when my parents divorced. Or when they said they'd divorce the next time. Or the next time. It would be better when my dad died in that car accident. Or from that heart attack. Or whatever. It would be better when I got away from living with my parents. Or seeing my parents. Or seeing any family. It would be better when I had stability from a good job. Or a better job. Or my own business. It would be better when I was more financially secure. Or more secure than that. It would be better when I was near my friends. Or near some other friend since people I had thought were my friends were screwing me over. Or just away from anyone I couldn't trust completely. It would be better when I got out of Sandusky. Out of Toledo. Out of Dayton. Out of Akron. Canton. Bowling Green. Lafayette. Chicago. Back to Toledo. It would be better if I could prove myself in college. In my job. In my own business. Whatever. It would be better ... well, it would just somehow get better.

But it never did. It was always the same or worse. The one thing that would have made it better was if I had a steady boyfriend, because the only times I had any real happiness were the far-too-short times that I was dating someone, even back when that was a girl and not a guy. But of course that never happened. Looking for things to get better was my way of finding hope, whatever line that took. But after a while I've just learned that it doesn't matter what I do. It never changes. It never gets better. And there's just no hope left.

When Jurry was here he called it faith. Jurry is a very spiritual, very Godly person, and I'm happy for him to have that comfort. I envy him, actually. I don't have that faith. I don't have anything left to compose hope or faith. Reality and experience have pretty much crushed that out of me. Well, that's not entirely true ...

To be honest, I'd probably be better if life had just crushed every last ounce of hope out of me. Then I'd just be numb and bitter. Resigned to my living hell. But I have the slightest hint of hope. Not enough to be of any help. Not enough to believe. Not enough to try any more. But just enough to remind me that things could be better. Should be better. Might, by some outrageous chance of twisted fate, eventually provide me with some one to be close to, someone to share a special bond with. Maybe even someone to share my life and share all that I am. Something like I know other people have. Other people, but not me.

Maybe I'd even be better if I just didn't ever see that other people are happy. That other people do have someone in their life. I wish I'd never seen that. I wish I were just incredibly stupid and blind, just taking the world as it is and seeing drugs, booze, and sex as the best things get - a fleeting moment of pleasure to be sought as frequently as cash allows. I wish I'd never felt what it was like to be happy and in love. I wish I'd never felt that peace and fullness. Because I can't stand not having it. I can't bear it.

Hope is a horrible thing when it is never answered. The emptiness I feel inside me is like a black hole that sucks hope from everywhere around me. Graham makes me want to hope. Dustin made me hope. Rex. John. Jeff. Erik. Ken... There's so little hope. But it's there. And it hurts. Because hope, for me, is never enough. And hope, useless as it is, is all I have. Nothing more ever comes.

And so hope, need, and fear rule me; they allow me to see what I want and believe it to be possible but paralyze me from acting. They taunt me, like holding a lollipop just out of reach of a child's arms as he jumps up and down. And no one cares. Nobody ever fucking cares.

And hope fails. Again.

Posted at 11:59 PM

 

July 8, 2002

As much as I could bore you with more of my whining about this whole ethical/moral/social battle of consciousness I've been waging with myself, I won't do that today (although I can assure you that it's not for any lack of concerns or things still left to say). Instead I've decided to express my outrage at television programmers.

The bastards have taken "The Powerpuff Girls" out of the weekday afternoon "Toonami" lineup, meaning that I can only get my Powerpuff fix with one episode per week on Saturday morning, and that only assuming that I'm awake and coherent at that hour of the morning on a weekend. I am particularly upset about this because the daily Powerpuff episode has been just about the only highlight in most days, and it has quite often gotten me to laugh and turn around from a horribly depressed mood. And now I only have "Yu-gi-o" (or whatever the fuck it is) to console me (and while I like Manga-style cartoons, this particular one sucks in my mind).

The unannounced switch of programs is nothing new lately, and it infuriates me. When I was a kid, I remember practically being able to set the clock by the shows I would watch, particularly weekday afternoons after I would get home from school (before my father got home) and Saturday mornings (before he was awake, or at least before he was roaring drunk). That's not to say that shows didn't change, but it was done seasonally - new shows and syndicated stuff alike would run for a whole season and then maybe it would change, but not just on a whim. And you could count on those shows not being preempted by the Midwest Curling Competition or some other bullshit that should be on ESPN and nowhere else. In fact, you didn't have the game that networks play now where shows are moved to a different time and day nearly every week or where a few new episodes are leaked out, followed by a few reruns, followed by a few more new episodes, and then a few more repeats before a season finale. Back then (and this isn't that long ago, folks), shows ran the same night and time until they were cancelled, and they ran new episodes when the fall season began and there were new episodes every week until the end of the season before there was even a single repeat.

And now, with shows moving all over the place, new shows cancelled after two episodes, new episodes of established shows teasingly released a few at a time, and even the most popular shows preempted for a random sporting event or some other crap (and don't even get me started on infomercials ...) - even with all of this the networks just don't understand why they're losing viewers in droves, whether they are fleeing to other networks, to the internet, or to anything that simply isn't television. Well get a clue, dumbass network execs! Who the hell has the patience to put up with this? It's not as if there's much worth watching in the first place, and then some shmuck in a Hollywood office who doesn't even watch his network's own shows is going to scramble everything on a weekly basis ... who the hell needs to deal with that when television is supposed to be a break from the hectic pace and tense frustrations of daily life?

Grrrr!!! <pause ... deep breath ... pause ... deep breath>

Okay, I'm better now. I'm still pissed that I can't watch the Powerpuff Girls every afternoon, but I'm better.

Damn, stupid network execs!

Posted at 10:27 PM

 

July 7, 2002

Well ... he's back. Hmmm ...

Chris' mom had left a message yesterday for me to pass on to him, basically telling him they hadn't heard from him in a while and would appreciate a call. So I stopped by today, suspecting that they were back from Heather's family reunion. They were. And Graham was there, too.

And it all starts over again.

This time, as scared as I still am of wanting to get to know him, I wanted to spend some time with them. I saw Graham and even waved "hello" and responded with a few words to his comment about the fireworks that the neighborhood kids continue to be setting off even now. I wanted to talk more, to get to know what he's thinking and where he's trying to take his life as he's ready to head to college. But as usual, I just chatted for a few minutes as I stood in the hall and they talked from the doorway.

Sarah had called the day following the party to see why I hadn't gone, and I explained that I was having a bad day. And Sarah has been around me long enough to know that that means I got really depressed and didn't want to inflict myself on anyone. And so today, as a follow-up to that, Heather asked how I was feeling, and I could honestly say, "better." To her credit, Heather told me she "was there if I needed to talk," and that meant a lot (although somehow I think that the main part of this conversation would completely freak her out and she would in no way react objectively to anything I had to say). Before I left she said to "stop by if I got bored," but I'm always bored and I would have been happy to stop in then, just like I would anytime I'm there. I mean, I stopped by and chatted for a few minutes and they know that I'm never at a loss for things to talk about, and they know that I get depressed because I'm constantly lonely, but they didn't even ask me in. Is that selfish of me? Am I expecting things I shouldn't? Maybe I'm just too desperate (or blind) to see that I'm not that close of a friend. And that would be okay ... I guess ... I just wish I knew how things really stood for sure. I feel like an outsider even when I'm around them this summer, and it makes me angry at myself because they're always nice to me and have indeed included me in things like the picnic last week, but I still feel left out.

My life used to go in cycles where I would be alone briefly with people I knew and often considered friends but didn't spend much time with at all. And then I'd come upon a friend with whom I'd spend the better part of a day, everyday, and we'd tell each other every little thing (well mostly) that was going on in our minds. We'd see each other nearly everyday for weeks, months, years. And then something would always happen that that person was removed from my life and I'd be alone again briefly until I came across someone else who would spend time with me just about every day. Hell, that continuity and camaraderie was the only thing that kept me sane during my childhood, through the torturous teenage years, and into the uncertainty of college as I began accepting myself and my past. And that was what I've been looking for ever since in someone to share my life with, even if that's just as a platonic friend and not as a soulmate. And for whatever reasons, that search has been completely fruitless. Here I sit, thirty-five years old and alone, having been quite often alone for the last four years and having only one person in the last seven years that I've been close to with that everyday constancy, and that was Christiana. And even with Christiana, the longest span of friendly companionship has been a few months at best. She goes to one country or another or gets involved with some guy, and I sit alone with nobody to share my life. And that's fine in a way. I mean, she shouldn't be living her life to please me by any stretch of the imagination. It's me. I just can't find anyone to be close to me. And the longer I'm completely alone the less I have to enjoy about the world. And the more depressed I get. And it all makes for a horrible repeating circle, because who would be interested in spending every day with someone who gets depressed so easily? I should probably be thankful that I have anybody that is interested in spending any time with me at all.

But I can't help but want to spend time with friends, even if it's not every day. And I feel miserable that I'm so compelled to get to know Graham but won't ever have the chance. And it's not just Graham. He just is the current representation of everyone I've wanted to be friends with but have seen slip away. Like Dustin. It still hurts to think how much I wanted to get to know Dustin, and I'll likely never even see him again. And Graham will never care. He'll make countless friends and never even know or care that I so much wanted to learn who he is. And if he would ever find out, he might very well just be creeped out by it - that old guy wanting to get to know him ... That's possibly more of where my fear of Graham comes from than even what society might think. I'm afraid of what he might think. What he might feel. What he might say. And I don't think I could face that level of rejection.

So maybe I should consider myself lucky that I wasn't invited in to talk. Maybe I should be glad I was spared that potential rejection. Maybe I should just be content with being alone and get used to it.

But I don't feel lucky. And I don't feel glad. And I can't believe that there will ever come a time that I'll be the least bit content with being alone.

Posted at 11:51 PM

 

July 6, 2002

I've been doing everything I can to preoccupy myself today and get away from thinking about this Graham/boy/friendship/fear issue I've been actively facing for the last couple of days. I finished playing the "Icewind Dale" computer game I've been toying with, I finished all of the volumes of "AKIRA" that came recently, I've read news and all sorts of stories on the net, I've watched two movies and a number of shows on TV (including two new episodes of the Powerpuff Girls), and I've listened to a couple different albums, all just in the space of this day. And even with all of that going on I have still been thinking about this same issue.

On the plus side, I haven't been as depressed and tearful as the last couple days, and that's a big help. I feel pretty lousy in every way, and I'm still down overall, but just not morose like I have been. And knowing that Graham (and Chris and Heather) are gone for at least today and tomorrow (and Graham may not even be back after that for a while) has taken the pressure away from that issue, and my thoughts have moved back to a more broad perspective.

One thing that has been running through my mind still are the movies I saw recently, L.I.E. and A.I. Both of those movies were tremendously different, but they have continued to resonate in my mind, even if in different ways. L.I.E. keeps reminding me of my life in a huge number of ways: just "going along" with a petty thief because I'm secretly infatuated with him, fearing that anyone will learn the horrible secret that I'm gay, having absent parents that don't understand me or care about me while my life spirals out of control, and trapped in a position where I can't escape an old pedophile. It's creepy how much of me I see in Howie. In a slightly similar way I see Erik, from my past, as incredibly like Gary (except that Gary was way hot and Erik's attraction was completely a personal charisma and not looks). And Big John, the pedophile, bothers me a lot. Not because he creeped me out with being obsessed with sex with boys (who didn't generally seem happy to be with him). And not because he was compassionate to Howie when Howie needed a friend to help him and comfort him. It was the combination of those two things that really bothers me. It's stupid of me to think that somebody can't be a creepy pedophile and a compassionate friend/father-figure at the same time, but it just bothers me. I think it's the way society forces us all to think that makes me see those two sides of Big John as incompatible. And sadly, that whole issue is my whole issue, because even if my interest isn't sexual, it would be perceived that way by any outside individual, and any compassion that I would want to provide would be completely disregarded. And it bothers me that Big John, who traps Howie into a potential situation of nonconsensual sex, comes out looking like a good guy at the end, gaining sympathy from the audience. It just bothers me ...

And A.I. upsets me in a completely different way. The Haley Joel Osment character, the lead role, is just a robot boy, but he is abandoned and forgotten countless times by parents and others ... but it's so much like what happens to so many children who are real with real families and who are abused and abandoned that it just makes me infinitely sad. And he tries so hard to do whatever is wanted of him just so he will gain their love ... it's heartbreaking. And on top of that is the whole idea that the stupid, uncaring couple that buy the robot are able to do so. I mean, the likelihood of me ever adopting or even fostering a child are miniscule. Single. Gay. Convicted felon. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be at the top of the list ... But anyhow, the whole idea that I could still have a child to love through a robot child ... I don't know; maybe the whole idea's freaky, but I so desperately want to be a father that it makes me cry. And just the fantasy of a robot child seems as likely (and almost more likely, at least in my mind) than ever actually having a real child of my own to raise. And possibly the most pathetic of all is that I'm even jealous of not having a super-toy like Teddy that would talk and play with me.

Geez. My loneliness is beyond pathetic. <sniff>

Posted at 11:03 PM

 

July 5, 2002

This whole issue with Graham has continued to give me a lot to think about. The issue has been something I've been contemplating for a while, but the movies I watched with Jurry (L.I.E. and A.I.) gave me more to consider, and now facing a living human being that challenges how I think about all of this is really is just making it almost more than I can deal with at once. And being depressed, now, isn't helping either.

The whole issue for me is that I really enjoy young guys and boys. It's not like a sexual thing or a fantasy/physical deal; and I'm not sure how much of it is a paternal instinct and how much is wanting to vicariously enjoy the boyhood I missed when I was young. I know quite clearly that I would love to be a father or a foster parent, and I want that chance to be there for somebody and be able to help them learn, love, and live. And I also know that a part of me strongly misses so many things that I never felt or experienced in my childhood that I could still share with someone: playing catch, biking, play-wrestling, catching frogs ... just running around and being a kid. That in itself may be sort of pathetic, but it's something I need to fill some of the emptiness inside of me. I just need that.

But the bigger, overshadowing issue is my fear, because realistically what I want seems to the average person like I'm a pedophile. The mere thought of that makes me cringe, but I know from trying in the past to explain this even to really good friends that people just don't understand. "Oh, you like boys <wink, wink ... move to call 911>." Sure, Paul, its a fatherly instinct. You wanna be their daddy." And you know, as pissed off as that sort of comment makes me, it also scares the hell out of me because it's clear that no matter how innocent I maybe of any illicit thoughts, I will still be accused and pretty much be considered guilty without any evidence so long as I'm just seen having a relationship with someone much younger than me.

I've already faced this problem, in fact, and that was ten years ago. My roommate, Erik, became friends with the neighborhood kids in the southside near the pizza store he managed, and he would bring some of them to our apartment complex to go swimming or to play on my computer. Now I can't claim that Erik was as innocent as me ... in fact, he was far from it, even if he never forced anything on anyone, but I was always at a fair distance from the kids just because they thought that Erik was great fun and I was just ... well, ... there. I didn't buy them stuff like Erik, and I didn't drive like a madman, and I didn't horse around with them like he did - it's just not who I am. Anyhow, I did get close to one of the kids. James was a smart kid with potential but stuck in a bad environment. He and Erik got very close (and we'll leave it at that), but James would talk to me and hang out with me also, unlike most of the other guys. At one point I was going to spend a day in Cleveland with a group of my friends and I had asked James if he wanted to go. He did, and he told me he had gotten his mom's permission. When I went with everyone to pick him up, I found out that he had a probation meeting and his mom hadn't shown up to take him downtown. I was frustrated with her but put that aside to take care of James. I explained things to my friends and we all went downtown to make sure he got to the Juvenile Probation department. While I was there, the probation officers called me in and grilled me as if I had been arrested for child abuse. I was actually incredibly pissed off at the time and ranted at them for trying to drive away one of the rare few people who was trying to help James make himself a better person. They were unphased. The end-result was that they would not allow James to go out of town, even though that wasn't a part of his probation, so we had to go without him. After we left, however, and pretty much forever since, that whole incident has stuck in my mind.

Here I am, just wanting to make a friend or be like a big brother, and I'm automatically assumed to want only one thing. And it scares me. It would be bad enough of I was straight, but being gay makes most people think that my only interest in boys could possibly be sexual (even though statistically and in studies, pedophiles are over 70% heterosexual). And even though I'm innocent, I can't help but feel afraid of what people think.

Add to all of that the fear I have that I'll become my father. I hate my father so much for molesting me as a child, and it makes me sick to think of anyone doing those things to a child, and it's the last thing I would ever expect. But what made him that way? I don't want to be like my father in any way, but will that be enough?

It's all just very troubling to me. It's funny, really, because I'm so afraid of rejection that I won't even say hello to people in my classes that I don't know, so the chances of even starting a conversation with a young guy are beyond slim, but it still scares the hell out of me to even be around someone that I want to get to know.

And it hurts. It just hurts to want to get to know someone and be afraid that they or other people will think that there's more to the whole thing than just trying to make a new friend. I have trouble getting past my basic fear of rejection in general; add in the fear of being considered a pedophile and I just freak out and start having panic attacks.

And now I not only have the issue to deal with but a real person, embodied in Graham, whom I'd really like to get to know. And why, anyhow? He lives on the other side of the state ... I'd hardly ever even talk to him ... but I'd just like to talk to him ... just find out more about him ...

Fuck, but I'm pathetic.

Posted at 10:44 PM

 

July 4, 2002

Today, as well as being Independence Day here in the United States, was Heather's birthday. Twenty-one years ago she was born in England, and what better way to celebrate than to have a birthday picnic rather than a 4th of July picnic. That, in fact, is Heather's family tradition, and keeping up with the annual outing, Heather's mother, father, and little brother (Graham) came up to see her and picnic in the park. Of course Chris, being Heather's boyfriend, was along as well, but Heather had also invited me, Sarah, and Kitner (she invited Laura and Misty as well, but they couldn't make it).

Surprisingly the park I chose (I had nixed the idea of Maumee Bay State Park over a week ago because there is no shade, and I'm the only person that knows anything about parks in Toledo), Wildwood Metropark being the place of choice, was not very overrun with people as we had feared it would be. It did rain for a bit almost immediately after we arrived, but we just sat through it. After the heat and humidity, the rain was actually quite comforting. By the time we got to eat it was quite pleasant out, and the nice, light lunch of fine cheeses, fresh breads, and fresh fruit was pretty fabulous. Heather also opened presents (and had also received a high-tech fireworks display at the Arts Center before we left, a big (and blindingly bright) display that her father had made for her). We had lots of nice, casual conversation, and even the occasional in-family jibes were all good-natured. It was a wonderful thing. Eventually, though, the effects of the rain wore off, making the heat and humidity unbearable again, and we were all ready to head out for later plans.

Heather's parents got on their way home while Graham is staying for a few days to visit. Sarah and Kitner headed back to Bowling Green and we all were to follow later for a big party at Kitner's as his phase of Heather's celebration. We all decided to shower and relax briefly before going, and Heather gave me directions.

While a shower made me feel tremendously better physically, it was not much for me emotionally. In pretty rapid fashion I deteriorated quickly and have found myself on the edge of tears or actually crying for the rest of the evening. At this point I have long since given up on joining the party, knowing that this isn't going away anytime soon. And the party itself is part of the problem. I realize that, but I'm still upset.

You see, I know that some of this depression comes from places I don't even recognize, whether that's from a chemical imbalance or buried subconscious things, but I know quite clearly what a number of things are that are affecting me, and trying to dismiss them just isn't working. First among things is just the fact that this is a holiday. I always feel more alone on holidays than any other time, and while I was really enjoying myself at the picnic, I just felt all the more alone after everyone was gone and I was sitting down after my shower. It's getting to be like this a lot, that having a fun time with somebody and then being alone hurts more than just being alone for the whole day; I miss just having someone around for everyday things so much that I think this is getting to upset me more than wanting someone to hold at night or to hug when I'm happy or sad. It all just makes me feel incredibly empty.

Well anyway, there was all of that. And add to that the fact that the 4th has a history for me of being a disappointing event where I have consistently been let down or screwed over by people I thought were my friends or lovers - and the past is hard to outrun sometimes.

On top of all of that was Heather's family who, granted, are a bit eccentric, but who are fun, loving people who all care about each other and actually know each other ... maybe not perfectly but enough to show they each care. It was great to be a part of that and surrounded by that at the picnic, but after my shower and thinking about how great everything was it just was like a smack in the face to realize how my family has never remotely been like that. In fact, we never had a picnic for the 4th of July or a birthday. Hell, we never had picnics. A barbeque at home or for a work function sometimes, yes, but never a picnic. And we have never had that happy interaction. And my friends would never have been invited or allowed to a holiday celebration or a family birthday celebration (I had one birthday party when I was eight, and that was a horrible event in itself which still makes me uncomfortable to think about it). And beyond all of that, nobody in that fucked up group of people knows me or seems to give a damn if they ever could. They're much more happy telling me what I should be than trying to see who and what I am and what my life is (or has been) like. But anyhow, enough of that little rant that could go on about forever ...

Another thing is that this party is going to be all about drinking, smoking cigs and pot, and getting wasted by whatever means possible. Everyone intends to just burn out and sleep over, and while I have no problem with them enjoying themselves, I don't know how well I'd fit in since I don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs (am I boring or what?). Sarah didn't used to drink or smoke or do drugs, but I know she has started drinking some recently, and if she were to be spaced out in a haze, I don't know who I'd talk to. And honestly, I just don't deal well with people drinking around me. When I li9ved with Simon and he would drink to being drunk and when I dated Christine and she got drunk it upset me more than I can express to you. I never associate the drinking with violence, which would seem to be the natural connection because of my abusive, alcoholic father, but I just get incredibly upset and get anxiety attacks. And it's not to say that this happens all of the time, but sometimes I just can tell I'll freak out from the stress. This has been one of those times.

And finally there is one other thing that's keeping me away. And that's Graham. I mentioned to some degree in a previous Journal entry that Graham had really intrigued me the first time I met him during last semester, and that has not changed. In fact, the more I find out about him, the more intrigued I get. He's incredibly smart, very worldly, very attractive, and very sweetly shy. And with a rosy-color to his skin from the sun and a stunning auburn color to his hair he was even more stunning than I had remembered him. And that all just scares the hell out of me.

As always seems to be the case anymore, this isn't a sexual thing. I don't have fantasies or think about what he looks like nude or anything, and I don't think about kissing or stuff. I did want to touch him, and maybe I'm just fooling myself about everything, but mostly I just wanted to just stare at him and talk to him about just about everything. Of course I'm scared stiff to even look at him for more than a moment, and I'm terrified to talk to him, so what am I worried about anyhow, but I just fear the whole idea of being in a confined apartment with him. But he's half my age. Even if it's just the sort of friendly connection that I feel I want with him, it just seems wrong, like society will condemn me as some sick pedophile for being so enamored of him. It all scares me to death. And even worse, I'm afraid that if I get past my own hang-ups and try to talk to him he'll blow me off and not want anything to do to me. My fear of rejection has successfully left me alone and suicidal for most of the years of my adult life, but it is no less powerful in me now than it ever has been.

And stupid as it may seem, realizing all of this succeeds in itself to make me feel even more depressed because I realize how hopeless it is that there's any chance I'll ever be happy in any way ... ever. I'll just continue to be alone and empty as I grow older and older, without even anyone to be by my side when I die. And that's the same future I always see and always hate and always want to just escape by ending everything now before it gets any worse. Because eventually I'll just go insane in my sadness, and death seems like a far better end than madness.

Posted at 11:25 PM

 

July 3, 2002

Today was a special treat. Heather's birthday is tomorrow and to celebrate we went to see the Powerpuff Girls Movie which just opened in theaters today. This was a special treat because I very rarely go to first-run movies anymore; it's just too darned expensive (in fact, the tickets were up to $8.75 a piece, and a Pepsi cost $3.45. It's outrageous). Costs aside, however, it was well worth going.

Chris, Heather and I went to the newest theater complex in town. Sarah was supposed to join us but she ended up having to work tonight. With the heat and humidity we've been having, the air-conditioned theater would have been great even if the movie had sucked, but we were very pleased with everything we saw.

In fact, the previews were great in themselves. The previews for Stuart Little 2 and the Crocodile Hunter were amusing, and the preview of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was very cool. And then to top it all off they had a cartoon short of Dexter's Laboratory before the main feature! It was so cool!

By the time the Powerpuff Girls Movie got underway we were already pretty amused and pleased, but the movie just was so cute, funny, and enjoyable that it was a great time all around. When everything was done, Heather insisted that she had to have the soundtrack for the movie, and I don't think I could argue against that (the music was pretty great). The story was sort of a prequel to the regular cartoon series on TV, explaining the origin of the Powerpuff Girls, Mojo Jojo, the Professor, and the city of Townsville (and the rampant crime and monster-attacks therein). Even though various parts of this story have been discussed or hinted at in various episodes, it worked really well in the movie. And it was just so fun!

I guess I'm just a big kid at heart, but this is the sort of fun, carefree relaxation I enjoy most. I need more of this sort of thing, I can tell you. So go now, as soon as you can, and sit back and relax, and laugh, and just have a great time being a little kid for just an hour or so ... just long enough for a cartoon that works for all ages.

Posted at 10:59 PM

 

July 2, 2002

I managed to get a hold of the collected volumes of AKIRA, the revolutionary manga comic by Katsushiro Otomo that spawned a revival in the comics industry (and set the stage for a great movie based on AKIRA, even if it was a notably different and less sociopolitical). It's been a long time that I've been waiting for this, but I finally managed to get a chance to read the entire series.

You see, I started reading AKIRA when it originally came out, buying a new issue each month as they were released and reveling in the story, the detailed artwork, and the social statements. It was incredible. At the time I was working at Kinko's, and one of my good friends shared a love of good, quality modern comics. That was Thor - the same Thor that I later started a business partnership with, and the same Thor that screwed me over in that business and caused me to lose over $60,000. But that was all long after I had shared AKIRA ...

What happened was that when I went away with Erik in 1988 on our series of exploits, I left all of my AKIRA's with Thor so that he could go over them as he bought new issues until the series ended. He did just that, but when I returned to Toledo less than four years later, Thor had gotten the remaining issues, read the whole AKIRA storyline, and then promptly sold all of the issues, including the ones that I had loaned him. So I was miffed, but (fool that I was) I was still Thor's friend so I just let it slide. Ah, if only I had seen that as some sort of sign ...

Anyhow, over the course of time since then, I have made various attempts to buy the over 100 issues of the series so that I could read the entire thing (I had been so impressed with it that it has stayed with me for fifteen years). After a while I gave up, thinking that it was just about hopeless. Then a few years ago I learned that the entire series had been republished in six large collected volumes. I spent a lot of time trying to track those down, always in vain, with the closest I'd ever come being the rare find of one lonely volume of the set. So again I pretty much gave up- hope.

Well recently I loaned a bunch of quality comics to Heather and Chris to try to show them how dynamic modern comics could be. I loaned them U.S., Maus (Volume I), Black Kiss, and the Watchmen. They were indeed impressed (although not as much as I had expected. They did appreciate the quality of the artwork but were not as moved by the storylines). Anyhow, this got me inspired again with the longing for the best of the best in comics, and AKIRA immediately dominated my thoughts again.

So I decided to try looking on the net. I've had great luck finding other elusive things on the net so this seemed pretty likely. After a while I got discouraged, though. Online comic shops had one or two volumes at best, and I couldn't find all of the volumes even at a variety of shops. And then I decided just to check Amazon.com on a whim. And there they were. And at discounted rates from their cover prices. <grin> Tee-hee. I was just so excited.

Sure, it was an expense I shouldn't have probably spent, but I have been so pleased about the idea. The package came just yesterday and I've already read volume I. It's just as good as I remember, and I am so excited about reading it. It is so detailed and so much more expansive and involved than the movie. Don't get me wrong - I loved the movie. But Katsushiro Otomo specifically made the movie have a different storyline for two reasons: 1) he could never put his entire story as it was into even a very long movie, and 2) he felt that after so many millions of people had already read the story in the comics book format that he owed them something fresh and new rather than just a replay of the story he had already presented. The movie was tremendous, but the books are just so much more.

So this has managed to get me back to reading and doing more than just playing games on the computer and doing nothing remotely practical. It might just be the turning point in getting me moving towards doing something creative this summer. I can feel it building inside of me. It just has to ferment a little bit longer.

Posted at 10:17 PM

 

July 1, 2002

Tonight was the first gathering of last semester's Thursday Night crew since just before the semester ended. Sarah had called me over the weekend and suggested we meet at the Boy (Big Boy in Bowling Green) tonight to see each other. Sarah, Laura, and Kitner were there when I arrived with Heather and Chris, and Misty joined us a while later. We were there until after 3 AM (having gotten there around 9 PM), and we definitely trained a waiter that we had never seen before (I am surer he was thrilled when his shift was over at 11 PM).

Laura and I spoke together for quite a while, catching up on what we've been doing over the summer and talking about our classes (old and soon to come) and also sharing short stories we had each written. The biggest part of our conversation revolved around Laura taking a summer class with the Dragon Lady. I had bailed from her class after the first day (a wise decision based on what transpired with everyone who stayed in her class for the semester), and I did all I could to talk Laura into running away as fast as her feet would carry her to the Administration Building to get a drop slip. She had already been concerned, having just gone through her first day of the class, and she was not pleased to hear what to expect from that professor, but she felt trapped by the timing for taking classes before she graduates this year, and she just felt she would have to suffer through everything the best she could. I wish her luck, but I pity her for what will probably be a miserable summer with that Evil Bitch.

Anyway, other than that we talked about all sorts of stuff and had a great time. In fact, we tentatively agreed to try to meet every week during the summer just to get together and talk like always. It's a nice thing, really, to get out and feel like I'm accepted and liked, and it helps me cope with what hasn't been such a positive summer (outside of Jurry's visit). So maybe this will be something cool to look forward to this summer. And maybe that will help me feel better. It can't hurt.

Posted at 5:12 AM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2002