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June 2002

 

June 30, 2002

This country is so fucked up. George Bush doesn't want to support peace in the Middle East if Arafat is involved (as if it is remotely his decision); the head of the SEC thinks that removing the CEO's of ENRON, WorldCom, and other corrupt companies will "hurt them where it counts" (even though they will spend little to no time in jail and still emerge rich beyond the dreams of thousands of their former employees); the Supreme Court has okayed school vouchers even though having state money go to a religious-based school is clearly a Constitutional violation (and all that completely disregarding the fact that it simply means that the public schools will get worse and worse as their best and brightest kids and most involved parents leave for other options); the decision of the California Court of Appeals that the "Pledge of Allegiance" violates the separation of church and state ("one nation under God") has been indefinitely postponed from going into action after Bush and Ashcroft swung their tyrannical powers at the officiating justices (even though all that needed to be done was simply to return to the pre-1954 version that included everything except the words "under God"); Jerry Springer has a new talk show in South Africa, a country he says has a romanticism for its past culture (as if Springer wasn't controversial enough, he needs to romanticize former white supremacy ...); a whole slew of musical artists have been removed from Fourth of July celebrations and specials around the country for wanting to perform songs about America that "weren't appropriately patriotic" (which is ridiculous if you find out the sort of songs they have been objecting to, not to mention the fact that the promoters aren't simply asking for other songs but are instead just removing the performers outright); and on top of all that Adam Sandler's movie topped the box office last week (have moviegoers no shame? (or taste?)).

This country needs an enema. Or maybe a lobotomy ...

Posted at 9:50 PM

 

June 29, 2002

I love cartoons. I need more cartoons in fact. Saturday mornings are probably the most relaxing part of my week, even during the school year, and since all of my regular shows are in repeats I have switched to watching some shows on other channels. Now don't get me wrong - there's a lot of real crap out there which (I swear) I have no idea how it stays on TV. But there are also a lot of great shows with good, fresh, amusing plotlines and (in some cases) really goo, fresh artwork.

I'm picky in what I'll watch, but there's no other time when I watch TV that I devote myself over completely to the show. I want to catch everything and just relax and enjoy the show. Any other time I watch TV, I do something else at the same time: eat, surf the net, read, write, pay bills ... whatever. But not on Saturday mornings.

Ah ... if only more TV was worth enjoying ...

Posted at 10:41 PM

 

June 28, 2002

Tonight was the last show of "Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher" on ABC. It was a very understated goodbye with still a lot of clear disappointment in the viewers/fans that Disney wouldn't support something that might look at the ugly side of reality (it's much better to promote unreal fairy-tale happy endings if that's where your bottom line lies). I had actually expected Bill Maher to go out in a blaze of glory, verbally taking on the network, but he was tasteful and happy in his reflections (and besides, ABC would have probably just not aired any negative comments anyhow).

I have watched "Politically Incorrect" since the earliest days when it was on Comedy Central. In fact, I've been a nightly viewer through much of the show's history. I even have Bill Maher's "Best of..." book about the first year of the show. I have never been so supportive and appreciative of any reality/news/politics show as "Politically Incorrect," and I will miss it immensely. Who will say the same cynical/sadly true things that I'm thinking? Who will challenge the rest of the media from blindly believing government propaganda? Who will mentally slap America in the face and try to give them a wake-up call about what's wrong about this country and what's right but never heard about? Who will make TV worth watching after Midnight? Sure as hell not Ted Koppel. And probably not Leno or even Letterman (although Dave at least tries to be interesting ...). Without cable I'm now doomed to have nothing at all worth watching after the local news (and the news isn't even worth watching very often). How the hell am I supposed to wind down and relax just before giving into the need to sleep? Argg!!! How frustrating!

The only positive thing from all of this is that Bill Maher seems committed to coming back somehow with some new show. For now he is trying to keep folks connected with a website (which I'll be damned if I can find the URL to link to it), but he claims to have plans in the works for something else. I can only hope.

The sad truth of the matter is that Bill Maher and "Politically Incorrect" are just another casualty of the Bush administration's stripping away of Constitutional Rights from Americans. Now we not only will be declared un-American if we choose to think about things (like questioning new government policy or laws) but we will see our Constitutionally guaranteed news figures removed from being able to think aloud as well. And just think - this is just the beginning.

Posted at 1:15 AM

 

June 27, 2002

Damn depression! I'm getting tired of doing things that will keep me continually distracted so that I won't get upset. I just want to relax and think - then I can get writing and revising the website and stuff. But as long as I'm down I know that just letting myself think for very long will make me sad. Hell, it's already happening throughout the day, even though I keep myself occupied for hours with tasks or with attention demanding computer games.

<Sigh> I just want to rest ...

Posted at 9:34 PM

 

June 26, 2002

Call me lazy! See if I care!

I slept in until just a few minutes before Noon today. I got to sleep well before 2 AM so I didn't really need so much rest, but I just wanted to enjoy the extra laziness and the (albeit brief) pleasant temperatures and refreshing breeze. Even after I had gotten out of bed I stayed fairly lazy, dragging out my normal shower routine, eating lunch, and even washing dishes just to have no pressures or exertions.

Around the middle of the afternoon I got into playing Icewind Dale, which is similar to the game Baldur's Gate that I had been playing for a while during the school year. That was nice, mindless fun, and when I took a break a couple hours later for the PowerPuff Girls and two episodes of the Simpsons, it was just the nicest thing you can imagine. I got back to Icewind Dale for a while, and here I am now - watching primetime tv, surfing the net, and still staying relaxed. It's nice.

It's not like Jurry and I were wearing ourselves out by running all over town, but between the excessive heat, staying up late, and doing a lot more walking than I usually do, I was enjoying myself but not particulalry feeling relaxed. So today was a nice contrast and a calming time. But tomorrow I should really do something. Something useful or at least practical. Really.

Posted at 9:09 PM

 

June 25, 2002

After looking around the BGSU campus and grabbing a nice lunch, Jurry and I decided to take in a matinee of Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones before he had to head back to Chicago. I have been expecting great things because of all of the hype of even people who've never previously been fans of Star Wars until seeing this movie, and as high as my expectations were I was still not disappointed. While I must admit that the Lord of the Rings has more realistic settings and is an action-packed epic throughout, Attack of the Clones is definitely the kind of epic story that originally spellbound me so much with Star Wars all those years ago when I saw the original.

The incredible thing about Attack of the Clones is that George Lucas doesn't simply make a new story to fit into the whole epic - he does that, but he additionally ties the entire series together such that all of the loose ends become tied together and the interwoven network of people, politics, and power all mesh so that we can see how everything and everyone are inextricably linked together. In fact, this piecing together of things makes Episode I become much more relevant and interesting, showing that there was intrigue and danger lurking behind the scenes that only now can we fully appreciate. It's simply amazing, and George Lucas has elevated himself again to the position of supreme storyteller.

Add to all of the action, special effects, storyline, and this interweaving of the series the whole range of acting talent in this movie. Where Anakin was flat and hokey at points in the first movie, here he is intense and brooding. Not only that, but Hayden Christenson as Anakin is hot! Mmmm!! Anyhow, add in a decent improvement by Ewan MacGregor and a much more involved part by the always-fabulous Samuel L. Jackson, and what more do you want? Well let me tell you. What you want is Yoda kicking ass!! He may be completely computer-generated this time, but Yoda is unquestionably the Master Jedi we have always been told that he was. Yoda just simply kicks ass! And on top of all of those performances is an excellent new character in Christopher Lee's Count Dooku. Having seen Christopher Lee back to back in Lord of the Rings and Attack of the Clones, I am amazed at how incredible his acting presence still is at his age and after all of the time that he has been away from performing in movies. In my mind he puts in even greater performances than the best of his classic horror roles. It all just adds in to a tremendous movie.

So needless to say that Jurry and I were quite impressed. Jurry was a bit disappointed that he has to wait for a conclusion to resolve all of the unanswered loose ends, but he wasn't nearly as impatient as he was last night after learning that the cliff-hanger ending from Lord of the Rings won't be finished for a while, with the first sequel due this Christmas and the final segment of the trilogy to be released the following Christmas. I can wait, though. It just makes me all the more anxious.

Posted at 8:01 PM

 

June 24, 2002

With more sweltering heat today, Jurry and I spent a relaxed day just having long philosophical conversations. By the time evening rolled around we had already long since decided to go to The Lord of the Rings at the second-run theatre and had arranged for Chris and Heather to join us. I was thrilled to see the movie once again, particularly as this was probably the last chance I would have to see it again on the big screen. As was the case the first time I saw it, I was awed by this movie. It is breathtaking in its scope, its action, its acting, its setting, and its faithfulness to the classic fantasy novels that made me a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien at an early age.

Along with everything else I was once again captivated with the absolutely stunning beauty of Elijah Wood and the strikingly handsome good looks of Orlando Bloom. Elijah Wood just has unnaturally good looks in my opinion, and he is simply gorgeous in this entire movie.

Ah ... to have a boyfriend that looks like Elijah Wood ... Could life ever get so good?

Posted at 12:11 AM

 

June 23, 2002

Today was hot. Africa hot. So where do you go when the heat reminds you of the Serengheti? The Toledo Zoo, of course.

Jurry and I had a nice, although late, downhome breakfast at Al Smith's Place, one of my favorite local diners, and then spent the vast majority of the day at the Zoo. Damn, was it ever hot. And humid. Somehow we survived to tell the tale. It was fun, though. I always enjoy the zoo, just as much for the fun of watching the people as the animals. There are always wide-eyed kids everywhere and excited people. Everybody is nice. And happy. More of the world should be like that. We even had the chance to see the trained bird show, 'Close Encounters of the Bird Kind' (I assure you that I had nothing to do with that show's title). Many of the animals were lounging due to the heat, but most of the place was very active and, if nothing else, all of the animals were visible (something which doesn't always come through in the Toledo Zoo because of the natural environments that the animals live in.

After the Zoo Jurry had a craving for a Slurpee!, so we got him hooked up with that and drove around Toledo to show him a few sights. Part of driving around was an ulterior motive to stay in the air conditioned car, but hey, there's nothing wrong about that, is there?

Eventually we were making our way back to the Arts Center but decided that it was getting pretty late and we should get dinner. So what better than good Chinese take-out? We ate and watched the last two videos we had rented, the Majestic and A.I.. Both were quite good but neither was at all what I expected. A.I. got me thinking again, just like L.I.E. did yesterday, and I'm sure there will be more Journal entries later about my thoughts on both of these.

It ended up being a fairly late night again, but it was a good day. Jurry's visit is going to be pretty short all-in-all, but so far it has been very full.

Posted at 1:55 AM

 

June 22, 2002

Jurry arrived right on time today. We talked for a long time with me showing him around the Collingwood Arts Center, then touring the Toledo Art Museum, and taking in an early dinner. We went back to the Arts Center after that and talked a while longer before deciding to rent some videos for the night. Ridiculous as it may seem, this was a real treat for me since I haven't rented videos in quite a while. I know from past experience that once I get in the habit of renting movies that I get out of control and just keep going back for more and more, eventually spending way too much money, even if it was fun.

But all of that was put aside so that Jurry and I could just relax and enjoy. We picked up five videos at Blockbuster, three of which we watched tonight. We started with Drift, a story of a gay love-triangle ... or at least that's what the writers/producers of the movie called it. In reality it was a story about a guy in a committed gay relationship who decides to cheat and then regrets it. You would not believe how much Jurry and I just yelled at these characters for being selfish fools. It was actually a frustrating movie at first, but eventually it came together. It was okay as these things go, but not great. The second movie was Domestic Disturbance, the John Travolta suspense thriller about a divorced man and his son, who is in his ex-wife's custody, and the new step-father who becomes more and more clearly a homicidal maniac. It was predictable in a number of points, but I liked it. It was just entertaining, even if it wasn't award-winning stuff. And the last movie was L.I.E.

I have wanted to see L.I.E. since it first came out, but it was only shown in a couple dozen theatres nationwide, and the closest location to me had been in Dayton. I actually even seriously thought a number of times about driving to Dayton just to see this movie (about a 3-1/2 hour drive each way). Inevitably L.I.E. ended its run, but now it is available on video and Blockbuster had it. I actually screamed out "Oh my God!" when I first saw it on the shelves and just about jumped for joy. Jurry thought I was crazy, I'm sure. But we rented it, and oh what a wonderful thing it is.

It was even better and even more than I had come to expect from the online trailers and reviews. It is a rich story with complex emotional issues, intrigue, betrayal, beauty, sex ... all set in perfect scenes with great cinematography and superb acting - and for an independent film of very small release, that sort of combination is incredible. This is a story about Howie, a nearly sixteen year-old boy who is struggling with his sexuality. Nobody but Howie seems to fully grasp how much of a struggle this is as Howie follows the every lead of his beautiful friend Gary, even following him into various petty burglaries, one of which results in the taking of two revolvers from an old man. Howie doesn't need the money. In fact, his dad is a builder with money to spare ... except that he pocketed the money left over from using poor-grade materials in a low-income housing project that he built, a housing project that has just burned down and brought a whirlwind of media scrutiny and federal investigations. Howie wants Gary. It's that simple. And while dear old dad is trying to save his own ass from the Feds, Howie is getting in more and more trouble at school, with the police, and eventually with the old man from whom they stole the guns, Big John. Big John is a pedophile who knows Gary ... intimately. Gary, always self-serving, tells Big John it was all Howie's fault, that Howie sold the guns, and then breaks into Howie's house and steals all of his dad's hidden stash of money before leaving town, leaving Howie in debt to Big John who wants payback in ways that Howie isn't ready for. The story just gets more twisted and emotional as it winds to it inevitable conclusion, and the honest emotional struggle portrayed by Howie is some of the most incredible acting I've seen in quite a while.

The whole movie is quite incredible, and it has left me with a lot of jumbled feelings. All sorts of thoughts and emotions are running through my mind, and it may take a while to fully sort out all of this. But you'll be the first to know, once that happens.

Posted at 2:20 AM

 

June 21, 2002

The theory of suckness holds true.

I washed my car yesterday, and today, while I was running errands it rained like a bitch and left my car looking worse than before it got washed. There are dirty spots and streaks everywhere. I've gone weeks without washing the car and now, as soon as I get it washed up, it gets ruined. And all I wanted was to have a clean car when Jurry got here (which will be tomorrow). So I guess I'll try to wash it again tomorrow before I pick up my friend, but it's really a drag.

And it looked so spiffy, too. <sniff, sniff ... wipes stray tear>

Posted at 8:20 PM

 

June 20, 2002

My sister visited me today for the first time in ... well ... about forever. I haven't seen my sister in nearly two years - heck, I hadn't even had a phone conversation with her for six months until she called recently to say she'd be in the area. And this is only the second time in the 18 years I've lived on my own that my sister has actually seen the place I live. Well, that's not entirely true - I lived with my sister briefly in Akron, so she has also seen two other places where I have lived.

We have never really been close, but I have almost completely lost contact since she got married and had kids. Before that I would see her because I would call and would drive to visit her on the East Coast, but at just about the same time that she got married, I went back to college and began a life near enough to poverty that random long-distance phone calls and twelve hour drives to the coast were completely impossible to manage. Add to that the various uncomfortable situations and treatments I have encountered at the hands of my sister since she's been married, from her husband, from her mother-in-law, and further from my parents (which has long since pretty much been an expected thing), and I can't say that I've felt like I've missed out on a whole lot.

That's not entirely true, either, because I would have loved to have been involved with my niece and nephew as they've been growing up. I still would. Repeated incidents have shown, however, that there isn't a place being allowed for me in their lives. It's funny that my parents are involved, because even my sister herself has told me that she'd prefer to not have them in her life at all, but she feel's that the kids both have to grow up having known their grandparents. I don't agree. Granted, my sister and I missed out on a lot by growing up without living grandfathers and really only with grandmothers and no great grandmothers, but my parents are both such horrible people that I think it's terrible that my sister would knowingly allow them to influence her children. Not to mention my fears about my father sexually molesting my nephew at some point as he grows older, since it seems unlikely to me that he would change from the way he was when I was little. But my sister is unmoved by my concerns, and she is, ultimately, the person to make those decisions, good or bad.

Today I tried to put aside my differences and just relax, and fortunately the day was fairly decent. She was only here for a few hours, and we ate followed by my showing her changes in downtown and the University of Toledo and other areas that have 'evolved' since she lived here and went to college. She was impressed by a lot of the improvements, and it is true that Toledo has come a long way and cleaned itself up quite a bit in the last twenty years. So we spent a lot of the time just driving around with me showing her what's new and what's still around from the past. And that seemed to be something she enjoyed.

It wasn't any great day for bonding or fun, but it was a nice change from the tense discomfort that I had expected. And even though I came away with a headache, it wasn't all that bad ... all things considered.

Posted at 9:11 PM

 

June 19, 2002

Today I had the chance to finally watch, on video, two things I missed out on a while ago but really have wanted to see. One was the new version of "Dune," based on the Frank Herbert science-fiction novel, that was made as a miniseries on the Sci-Fi Channel. This is not to be confused with the older Kyle McLaughlin version which was panned by almost everyone as quirky, hokey, and not particularly faithful to Herbert's classic story. This new version was, ironically, also in many ways quirky, hokey, and not particularly faithful to the novel, but somehow this version worked much better. I guess the big factor was that the sets, effects, and revised story were relatively believable while the earlier movie was just too over the top. My big criticism is that even this newer version if a greater stretch of the imagination than the story presented in the original novel. Frank Herbert was a masterful writer with incredible style, but he was, more importantly, an inspired storyteller who knew how to tell a highly imaginative story and stop just short of going past your threshold of disbelief. "Dune" is a story of politics, religion, philosophy, and human nature, and Herbert balanced it all so that you never questioned anything. Even the more supernatural aspects of religion and pure science-fiction were downplayed by Herbert so that they were as acceptable as any modern religious figures or high-tech weapons available today - everything just seemed natural and even the 'powers' that certain spiritual leaders possessed could many times be passed off as simply overzealous belief or drug-induced insights. So while i really liked this new "Dune," I still felt there is a new version waiting to be made that faithfully follows Herbert's story and style and wow's audiences upon its release.

The other thing I watched was "Brain Candy," the movie made by, for, and as the last remnant of "The Kids in the Hall," the Canadian Lorne Michaels' counterpart for Saturday Night Live. It was great to see the cast together again, and they and they had the same off-beat humor that used to be in their tv show, but the movie was flat compared to the old routines. I was probably set up for disappointment because Heather and Chris (who loaned me both movies) claimed that I "had to see 'Brain Candy' because it was the best movie EVER." Well, I should have known better. And while it wasn't bad, it was far from the best movie ever (although I must admit a certain sadistic joy from the brief scene where Brendan Frasier, in a one-minute bit part, gets smacked upside the head).

Even though I was disappointed in both movies because I had high expectations, I still had a great day just sitting back and watching videos. I haven't done that in quite a while, and I haven't even really seen any movies except the occasional things that get broadcast on network tv, and generally when those are on I'm doing something else at the same time and not just devoting my time to getting absorbed in the movie and blocking out everything else. So this was a nice change. Something I should do more often, in fact.

And I plan to do just that.

Posted at 9:20 PM

 

June 18, 2002

Alright. I realize that I may be starting to sound like a broken record, but I have more to say in regards to the Emperor Bush/Fascist America issue. I don't intend to make this a mainstay of my Journal entries, but I feel very strongly about the importance of safeguarding our American rights against anyone, even if he is the President of our own beloved United States. With that in mind, I have a statement that I will reproduce from WilWheaton.net and a friend of Wil's. I can also point to other examples of journalistic recognition of the wrong directions of the Bush administration, but I won't belabor that point. What I want to get across is our duty as American citizens. Remember that this is your country. Please read on.

"It is our duty as responsible citizens to keep an eye on the government and to question them when we feel they are leading us astray. "We the people" have an investment in our country, and we must continually perform our due diligence to make sure our investment is not squandered or stolen. We've invested our lives, our freedom, the safety of our families in this country, and it would be foolhardy to let that go by unwatched. The founding fathers knew that governments could evolve into dictatorships, so they built safeguards against that into the Constitution. When those safeguards get whittled away, everyone should consider whether or not this is defeating the concept of a free nation that our forefathers envisioned. Everyone should consider how rights were slowly taken away in Communist Russia and Nazi Germany, until bit by bit, the nations became oppressive regimes. Everyone should consider how easy it is to justify temporary restriction of basic rights for the common good, and how this has often led to ruin in the past. I reiterate: it is not only our right under the First Amendment to question the government, but it is our solemn duty as responsible citizens of a free country to do so."

Live free or die.

Posted at 9:54 PM

 

June 17, 2002

From the pages of the Democratic Underground, I bring you this important update. This story has been followed in a number of places here and there online, so read all that you can. If you haven't been taking me seriously for my charges that Emperor Bush has rapidly been turning the good ol' U.S. into a fascist police state, read on.

George Dubba-yah was the commencement speaker at the graduation ceremonies for Ohio State University. Just like Hitler, the crowds are forced to cheer the dictator ... I mean President ... or they'll be deemed enemies of the state and shot ... or at least forcibly removed and potentially jailed. I have read a lot of disbelievers online who think this is totally made up, but I assure you that this is quite real.

Ohio State fascism - What happened today
LAST EDITED ON Jun-14-02 AT 03:59 PM (ET)

As I sit here before you, I must admit I am truly exhausted from a full day. I've read the thread about Ohio State on LBN, and I am here to tell you it is true...and then some. I'll try to hit all the details.

And what happened to us is truly unbelievable.

We arrived at Ohio Stadium at 6am. A rally was scheduled at the Jesse Owens memorial site for that time, and the graduates were to be at their places by 630am. Family and friends were permitted to enter at that time as well.

I didn't get close enough to the 6am rally, but in my search for an organizer of Turn Your Back On Bush, I did indeed hear the announcement. Graduating students were told that they would be expelled and arrested if they turned their backs. they were alerted that dozens of staff members and police officers would be watching the stands, as well as the Secret Service. A few students asked for the definition of expulsion....did it mean removal from the stadium or refusal of their diplomas, or both? One of the persons at the front said "Both. And what will your parents do when they are paged from the crowd to bail out their son?" I do not know if this person had an official capacity with the Ohio State University or any police department.

I must say, I did not hear that exchange. I was informed of it later when I found outside the stadium protesting. To tell these ADULTS that after 4 years and 80,000 dollars that they would be tossed aside if they didn't face a certain direction?????

I began to wonder how many of those students went to find their friends who were graduating pre-law.....

We entered the stadium later with family and friends, and similar statements swirled around the crowd. "Please make sure you stand and loudly cheer our President. Our graduates have been requested to do the same, and have agreed to give a loud cheer for Mr. Bush", etc.....

Once inside, we decided that it might not be a good idea to be too close to the front. We saw the lines of people waiting to get in the stadium.....and yes, we saw the yellow buses that carted them all in. I asked one of them where they were from. The woman replied "Upper Arlington". However, she could not provide a zip code when I asked her for it (the main zip code for UA is 43221). Figuring on the masses of bussed-in people, we knew it might not be wise to be up front.

We went behind the graduates and looked for peace signs on the mortar boards (a sign that was meant to ID the Turn-Your-Backers). It was really difficult to get an accurate count, but there were a LOT of peace signs. I was sure that we weren't the only ones counting peace signs.

It didn't take long for our stomachs to turn....the first speaker (I believe the OSU President) began spouting about how proud they were to have Bush there. He said "We have a long tradition of inviting great men and women to speak at our commencements." I quickly responded "but since we couldn't get one, here's Georgie".

That got the attention of the state trooper in front of us. His eyes were on me the rest of the time.

The speech continued to mention that Chimpy was "a tireless worker in the field of education" and "a man who unified this country after the terrible events of 9/11". It was interesting to note that it took a LONG time for the 9/11 applause to turn into a standing ovation....they held out for that one, not continuing the speech intentionally.

About 10 minutes later, Shrub was introduced to speak. Before he even got to the stage, we did our about-face. I looked over my shoulder to see how many graduates were doing the same. However, everybody was standing at that point, and in pure black robes, it was impossible to see who was facing what direction. Furthermore, over that same shoulder, I saw one of Columbus' Finest heading our way.

We never got to see how many students participated. We were being led out of Ohio Stadium. To the officers' credit, he realized there was a 3-year-old in my arms and was not at all hostile. I asked him if I was under arrest, and he did not answer me. When we reached the exit, I asked the SS man why we had been ejected, and he told me we were being charged with disturbing the peace. If we chose to leave, the charges would be dropped immediately.

With our daughter in mind, we chose not to fight it. I am sure we will regret it someday when Bush's fabulous economy strikes us and we need a few million in a lawsuit. But our daughter did not need any more irritation on this day.

On this day, June 14th, 2002, I came to the realization that we no longer live in a free society. This is rapidly heading in the same way Nazi Germany headed. Questioning our leaders is no longer the most outrageous crime you can be charged with. Not paying attention to them is.

As you take in this message I give to you, I would like to add a footnote.
Next time, I will not leave quietly.
Next time, I will not allow you to intimidate my fellow Americans who wish to speak out.
Next time I will not be so blind when I confront you.
Next time we meet, I will have more people with me to oppose you.
Next time, I will have brought voter registration cards for people whose eyes I will open to your oppression.
And next time, I will have a babysitter.

"Watch what you say, or they'll be calling you a radical, a liberal."
-Supertramp

from a Proud Card-Carrying Member Of The Grassy Knoll Society

As I've said before, guard your rights and stand up now while you still have the chance.

Posted at 9:04 PM

 

June 16, 2002

Tim Russert is really pissing me off.

Don't get me wrong, I have thought highly of him for a long time. His hard-hitting, nothing-held-back style of questioning and discussion about the news topics he discusses on "Meet the Press" on Sunday mornings is usually very informativ4e and he is very good at be willing to ask hard questions and keep pushing his guests for answers. I have no problem with that. In fact, I applaud that. But the man is on what seems to be a personal mission to cast the pedophile priests in the Catholic Church child abuse scandals of recent times as gay men who have acted out their desires on available kids, and he's way off base.

The priests who have done wrong by these kids are sick men - sick in the way of being disgusting but also sick as in mentally ill. Even knowing that pedophilia is a mental illness, I have little sympathy for them. But the issue isn't whether they're pedophiles - that part is clear. The issue is how to remove them from doing any further harm and proceed with some sort of legal proceedings against them for their actions. These are the issues, but Tim Russert week after week wants to ask the same questions about how these priests must be homosexuals and how will the church deal with that. It's out and out homophobia and gay discrimination on his part to claim that these men are gay. Pedophiles prey on children, both boys and girls. The fact that more boys have been involved does not mean the priests are gay, it means they're pedophiles. In fact studies consistently have shown over the years that pedophiles are very predominantly heterosexual, even when they act out sexually against boys; it's usually a power issue, not a sexual attraction issue, and the abusive adult pedophile isn't looking for an easy target as a substitute for an adult of that sex, they are looking specifically for a child. Gay, straight, boy victim or girl victim is rarely an issue so much as the desire specifically for a child and specifically for some power gratification. Sex is what happens, but sexuality isn't the cause.

Oddly enough the congressmen and priests who are guests on Russert's show invariably change the subject away from homosexuality each time they are questioned, explaining that there is no evidence that these priests are gay or that removing priests who are gay will solve the problem (surprisingly, I applaud the church for their consistent stance on this, although I must admit I am surprised that they do feel this way). The issue of a gay witch hunt being established by the church to weed out gay priests is another issue entirely that really disturbs me, but if Russert wanted to discuss this and challenge the Catholic Church for this potentially discriminatory act, he could handle it in a much different fashion. In fact, the repeated approach Russert uses to continually cast the abusive priests as gay is completely discriminatory and shameful. And I'm sick of watching week after week and screaming at the TV when he brings up these issues. And believe me, there are certainly other issues to cover. Why not look at how Emperor Bush is destroying our country? There's weeks worth of material there even without deep investigation.

The whole thing just pisses me off. Ho0nestly, I used to really enjoy watching "Meet the Press" and thought highly of it. Now I think that it should be taken off the air. Journalism is supposed to deal with facts, not irresponsible, bigoted views.

Posted at 10:04 PM

 

June 15, 2002

Anyone who has talked to me very often or who reads this Journal with any regularity knows that I don't like Emperor George Bush and don't trust him. In fact, I disagree with the vast majority of his policies. Most strenuous and convicted of my objections to Bush's ideas are his War on Terrorism and his rapid, careless removal of Constitutionally avowed rights for the people of this country. The following group of distinguished (and famous) people feel much the same in this essay posted to the Guardian.

We won't deny our consciences
-Prominent Americans have issued this statement on the war on terror
Friday June 14, 2002

Let it not be said that people in the United States did nothing when their government declared a war without limit and instituted stark new measures of repression. The signers of this statement call on the people of the US to resist the policies and overall political direction that have emerged since September 11 and which pose grave dangers to the people of the world.

We believe that peoples and nations have the right to determine their own destiny, free from military coercion by great powers. We believe that all persons detained or prosecuted by the US government should have the same rights of due process. We believe that questioning, criticism, and dissent must be valued and protected. We understand that such rights and values are always contested and must be fought for.

We believe that people of conscience must take responsibility for what their own governments do - we must first of all oppose the injustice that is done in our own name. Thus we call on all Americans to resist the war and repression that has been loosed on the world by the Bush administration. It is unjust, immoral and illegitimate. We choose to make common cause with the people of the world.

We too watched with shock the horrific events of September 11. We too mourned the thousands of innocent dead and shook our heads at the terrible scenes of carnage - even as we recalled similar scenes in Baghdad, Panama City and, a generation ago, Vietnam. We too joined the anguished questioning of millions of Americans who asked why such a thing could happen.

But the mourning had barely begun, when the highest leaders of the land unleashed a spirit of revenge. They put out a simplistic script of "good v evil" that was taken up by a pliant and intimidated media. They told us that asking why these terrible events had happened verged on treason. There was to be no debate. There were by definition no valid political or moral questions. The only possible answer was to be war abroad and repression at home.

In our name, the Bush administration, with near unanimity from Congress, not only attacked Afghanistan but arrogated to itself and its allies the right to rain down military force anywhere and anytime. The brutal repercussions have been felt from the Philippines to Palestine. The government now openly prepares to wage all-out war on Iraq - a country which has no connection to the horror of September 11. What kind of world will this become if the US government has a blank cheque to drop commandos, assassins, and bombs wherever it wants?

In our name the government has created two classes of people within the US: those to whom the basic rights of the US legal system are at least promised, and those who now seem to have no rights at all. The government rounded up more than 1,000 immigrants and detained them in secret and indefinitely. Hundreds have been deported and hundreds of others still languish today in prison. For the first time in decades, immigration procedures single out certain nationalities for unequal treatment.

In our name, the government has brought down a pall of repression over society. The president's spokesperson warns people to "watch what they say". Dissident artists, intellectuals, and professors find their views distorted, attacked, and suppressed. The so-called Patriot Act - along with a host of similar measures on the state level - gives police sweeping new powers of search and seizure, supervised, if at all, by secret proceedings before secret courts.

In our name, the executive has steadily usurped the roles and functions of the other branches of government. Military tribunals with lax rules of evidence and no right to appeal to the regular courts are put in place by executive order. Groups are declared "terrorist" at the stroke of a presidential pen.

We must take the highest officers of the land seriously when they talk of a war that will last a generation and when they speak of a new domestic order. We are confronting a new openly imperial policy towards the world and a domestic policy that manufactures and manipulates fear to curtail rights.

There is a deadly trajectory to the events of the past months that must be seen for what it is and resisted. Too many times in history people have waited until it was too late to resist. President Bush has declared: "You're either with us or against us." Here is our answer: We refuse to allow you to speak for all the American people. We will not give up our right to question. We will not hand over our consciences in return for a hollow promise of safety. We say not in our name. We refuse to be party to these wars and we repudiate any inference that they are being waged in our name or for our welfare. We extend a hand to those around the world suffering from these policies; we will show our solidarity in word and deed.

We who sign this statement call on all Americans to join together to rise to this challenge. We applaud and support the questioning and protest now going on, even as we recognise the need for much, much more to actually stop this juggernaut. We draw inspiration from the Israeli reservists who, at great personal risk, declare "there is a limit" and refuse to serve in the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza.

We draw on the many examples of resistance and conscience from the past of the US: from those who fought slavery with rebellions and the underground railroad, to those who defied the Vietnam war by refusing orders, resisting the draft, and standing in solidarity with resisters. Let us not allow the watching world to despair of our silence and our failure to act. Instead, let the world hear our pledge: we will resist the machinery of war and repression and rally others to do everything possible to stop it.

From:
Michael Albert
Laurie Anderson
Edward Asner, actor
Russell Banks, writer
Rosalyn Baxandall, historian
Jessica Blank, actor/playwright
Medea Benjamin, Global Exchange
William Blum, author
Theresa Bonpane, executive director, Office of the Americas
Blase Bonpane, director, Office of the Americas
Fr Bob Bossie, SCJ
Leslie Cagan
Henry Chalfant,author/filmmaker
Bell Chevigny, writer
Paul Chevigny, professor of law, NYU
Noam Chomsky
Stephanie Coontz, historian, Evergreen State College
Kia Corthron, playwright
Kevin Danaher, Global Exchange
Ossie Davis
Mos Def
Carol Downer, board of directors, Chico (CA) Feminist Women's Health Centre
Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz, professor, California State University, Hayward
Eve Ensler
Leo Estrada, UCLA professor, Urban Planning
John Gillis, writer, professor of history, Rutgers
Jeremy Matthew Glick, editor of Another World Is Possible
Suheir Hammad, writer
David Harvey, distinguished professor of anthropology, CUNY Graduate Centre
Rakaa Iriscience, hip hop artist
Erik Jensen, actor/playwright
Casey Kasem
Robin DG Kelly
Martin Luther King III, president, Southern Christian Leadership Conference
Barbara Kingsolver
C Clark Kissinger, Refuse & Resist!
Jodie Kliman, psychologist
Yuri Kochiyama, activist
Annisette & Thomas Koppel, singers/composers
Tony Kushner
James Lafferty, executive director, National Lawyers Guild/LA
Ray Laforest, Haiti Support Network
Rabbi Michael Lerner, editor, Tikkun magazine
Barbara Lubin, Middle East Childrens Alliance
Staughton Lynd
Anuradha Mittal, co-director, Institute for Food & Development Policy/Food First
Malaquias Montoya, visual artist
Robert Nichols, writer
Rev E Randall Osburn, executive vice president, Southern Christian Leadership Conference
Grace Paley
Jeremy Pikser, screenwriter
Jerry Quickley, poet
Juan Gumez Quiones, historian, UCLA
Michael Ratner, president, Centre for Constitutional Rights
David Riker, filmmaker
Boots Riley, hip hop artist, The Coup
Edward Said
John J Simon, writer, editor
Starhawk
Michael Steven Smith, National Lawyers Guild/NY
Bob Stein, publisher
Gloria Steinem
Alice Walker
Naomi Wallace, playwright
Rev George Webber, president emeritus, NY Theological Seminary
Leonard Weinglass, attorney
John Edgar Wideman
Saul Williams, spoken word artist
Howard Zinn, historian

I encourage everyone to look beyond the propaganda and rally-cries and seek the truth. It is hard to find here in the US since the media is not willing to stand against Emperor Bush, but it is available (Check the BBC World News at a minimum to get at least some perspective, but even they are pretty conservative). For more info, check out the links that are provided along with the actual posting of this message at the Guardian. Stand strong and true for America. The rights of you and every American are dependent upon it.

Posted at 8:41 PM

 

June 14, 2002

I love the PowerPuff Girls!

And hey, what's not to like? I have always enjoyed this cartoon, but I haven't seen it very often (until recently) since I don't have cable. I found, only a week or so ago, that the PowerPuff Girls are part of the WB's "Toonami" afternoon cartoon showcase. Since I get a WB channel from Detroit on my antenna, I have been able to watch and get a good laugh most weekday afternoons. And then I get to watch two episodes of the Simpsons on the Detroit FOX station (since the Toledo FOX station had completely taken off the Simpsons reruns in favor of 'Friends' and 'Everybody Loves Ramon' (<gag> and <gag> respectively). So I've been able to get some great laughs.

The PowerPuff Girls is such a silly, cute little show that it really cheers me up lately. I'm sure some of you are thinking the same thing I've been told by others - "You like that?" or "But you're a guy. Why do you like that?" or "Aren't you a little old for that?" Well the answers are 'Of course I like it. Who wouldn't?' and 'Last time I checked, yes, I am a guy (although it hasn't mattered much for quite a while), and what does being a boy have to do with liking a funny, silly cartoon?' and lastly, 'You're only as old as you think you are, and while I do indeed think of myself as somewhat older (at least than what I'd like to be), I don't think I'll ever be too old to have fun, laugh, and think like a kid.' So there!

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share that. I love the PowerPuff Girls! They make me happy.

Posted at 9:18 PM

 

June 13, 2002

Not only did my stomach pains wake me repeatedly during the night, but I had a pounding migraine to boot. While I admit that I wasn't as contorted with pain last night as the night before, I don't really feel that the pills and the diet did much to change things at all. In fact they made it worse because my 'diet' called for me to specifically to avoid any caffeine, and that meant no Pepsi, thus leaving me going cold turkey on my Pepsi/caffeine addiction. I gave in around 3 AM and took some migraine aspirin (which contains caffeine, amusingly enough), and toughed it out with fitful sleep once again. And at dinner I had a can of Pepsi (which is far, far less than I would usually consume in a day, but hopefully it will give me enough caffeine to avoid a headache without aggravating my stomach (although I have my doubts about whether caffeine is making any difference in whatever is causing my stomach pain).

On the positive side, things have cooled down today, so at least I don't have to add the sticky, sweaty discomfort of an Ohio summer to everything else. And on another light note, I've been kicking butt at Civ III. At this point I'm far and away the largest, most advanced, and most powerful nation left on the planet, and I'm making incredible cultural growth and happiness. I rule - literally. And while it's starting to get a little stale playing this same game for such a long time, there is still a great draw from how far advanced I am (for example, I am just finishing research in the next two years on Stealth technology and will be able to use it by 1870 AD, just a bit ahead of the historic curve. Oh, and my nation covers a supercontinent about the size of all of Europe and Asia. I rock). So at least there's some good stuff goin' down.

But I'll be much happier and more comfortable when this stomach thing is resolved.

Posted at 8:23 PM

 

June 12, 2002

Last night was miserable. I got to sleep sometime around 1 AM, and although my stomach was still bothering me I was able to drift off. But that only lasted for about an hour. Just after 2 AM I was wide awake with my stomach feeling like it was going to explode. A trip to the bathroom, a lot of belching, a glass of ice water, and moving myself into a near infinite number of different positions did nothing to make me feel better or let me feel good enough to go back to sleep. I had given up hope of sleeping at all by the time I must have actually drifted off, but that must have been well after 4 AM. And then I was awake again just after 7 AM. When I awoke that time, I was able to lie back down not too long after and get another nearly hour of sleep, and then I did the same thing for the next hour. All told, I got enough sleep to get by today, but I'm feeling pretty beat.

I made a decision last night to go to the Health Center at school and see what they could do for me. As I sort of expected, they gave me a specific diet to follow, but they also gave me a prescription to diminish the production of stomach acid. Their best guess is some sort of stomach flu, but they aren't too sure. I also asked about my tingling fingers on my left hand (which has gone from being all of the fingers to simply being the pinky and ring fingers). They again didn't really know but suspected (as I already have been thinking) that it's the result of a pinched nerve and will disappear over time (which it already seems to be doing).

What drove me nuts was the way they went crazy over my blood pressure. Sure, it's high, but it always has been for my whole life. It's actually a hereditary trait. And granted, my family history of heart problems doesn't exactly mean that I shouldn't be concerned about my blood pressure, but they were going way overboard, insisting that I have it checked every day and have a battery of blood tests and such to figure out what can be done to moderate it. I suppose I should appreciate their good intentions, but I didn't ask for this, certainly not when all I wanted was to make my stomach stop making me feel miserable.

So the up-side of the day is that I have felt moderately better all day. I'm still concerned about how I'll feel tonight, considering things have gotten worse every night since this started. We'll just have to see.

All I want is to be able to go back to uninterrupted sleep and general physical comfort. Is that asking so much?

Posted at 8:10 PM

 

June 11, 2002

I am sorry to say (very sorry, in fact) that I still feel like shit, and I really don't feel up to writing more than a whining Journal entry about how my stomach really hurts, how I can't get any lasting sleep, and how my miserable life never seems to do anything but get consistently worse.

So rather than annoy you with such whining, I'm just going to pass today's entry off with a simple thought:

"Even if nice guys finish last, wouldn't you rather still be a nice guy?"

Posted at 9:57 PM

 

June 10, 2002

Today I feel like I'm in a song. Specifically an ELO song called "Tightrope." At least the first part of it, anyhow. Nobody ever seems to throw me a line, so I just keep hoping. Anyhow, the lyrics are poignant, but the song itself is truly incredible when you hear it, really expressing the emotions of desperation that I feel lately. Check out an MP3, buy an ELO collection that includes this song, or at least read these lyrics. This is how I feel.

Tightrope by Jeff Lynne (ELO)

They say some days you're gonna win--
They say some days you're gonna lose--
I tell you I got news for you -
Your losin' all the time you never win, no.
If you believe that's how it's gonna be I'd better put you down.
Get off your tightrope up there come down on
The ground you gotta save me now,
You better turn around.
When I looked around, I was heading down.
Won't somebody throw me down a line.

They say some days you gotta give--
They say some days you gotta take--
If that's the way it's gotta be -
Roll it over and you will see.
The city streets are full of people going nowhere making time.
The change from night to day is really only hours,
It's just along the line can't you see the sign,
When I looked around, I was heading down.
Won't somebody throw me down a line.

I want to look you straight in the eye--
I want to tell you how I really feel--
I can feel the wheels turnin' round -
Won't somebody throw me down a line.
The city streets are full of people going nowhere making time.
The change from night to day is really only hours,
It's just along the line, can't you see the sign.
When I closed my eyes, I was so surprised
Somebody had thrown me down a line--stopped me drownin'
Somebody had thrown me down a line.
Somebody...

Posted at 8:52 PM

 

June 9, 2002

Only 170,000 new employees and $73 million (which couldn't possibly be much higher by anybody's estimates, even though Tom Ridge has already spent over $300 million as simply the head of Homeland Security when it was just a small position) - that's all it takes for Emperor Bush to waste on a new government department in order to deflect attention from the fact that he had enough information to have stopped the terrorist attacks of 9/11 that destroyed the World Trade Center, messed up the Pentagon building, and cost thousands of civilians their lives.

Isn't it great that GW holds to his campaign rhetoric and believes in small government? I mean, if he believed in BIG government, he'd make millions of new positions and waste quintillions of dollars (rather than the $2 trillion he'll be over budget this year). And thank heavens he made this new agency. Whatever would we do without it? We'd have to create a National Guard and a Federal Bureau of Investigation and an Immigration and Naturalization Service and ... hmmm ... I feel like I'm forgetting something ...

And he must be right about how to budget money, too. Obviously the economy is better even though thousands are still getting laid off (but they must all just be whiners); and obviously making bombs and going to war with the rest of the planet is the way to encourage everybody else to have peace summits and not commit genocide or nuclear obliteration; and obviously making tons of weapons of mass destruction is okay for the United States because we can't be a terrorist nation since we created the term; and obviously spending money on killing people has far better long-term effects than spending money on education or health care or Social Security ... I mean, who needs that crap anyhow? Emperor Bush never done no good in school so why do anybody else'n haveta?

Yeah. Thanks to Emperor Bush we're well on our way to having an American Police State, and then we can all just sit back an relax since we won't have to think for ourselves or anything. We won't even have to leave home since we won't have jobs. And staying at home will be far safer because the rest of the world will be a battle zone, so stay safe with Emperor Bush's police watching your every move to make sure you're safe - even from yourself, because you never know when you might think the wrong thing. Ah, the future looks promising indeed.

Posted at 7:46 PM

 

June 8, 2002

And I still feel rotten.

I decided last night that I'd take some medicine for this heartburn. I'm generally against using any kind of medicine because I don't trust drugs and I usually have good enough health that I can get away with that attitude. This searing pain in my stomach is too much, however. And yet I still didn't take any medicine even after I talked myself into it. My bottle of Pepto-Bismol was so old that it had separated into three different parts (it was almost five years past the expiration, and that gives you an idea of how often I use it). The bottle of Maalox I had bought a while ago when I had a battle with Acid Reflux for about five days was also long since expired (over two years since the expiration date). So I suffered.

Today I wasn't too bad while I stayed lying down in bed, but eventually my stomach grew worse and worse, particularly when I got up. A full stomach would quell things for a while, but even I can't eat continuously throughout the day. So by tonight I was in pain again. I was going to eat a lot again to sop up the stomach acid for a while, but I had a message from Chris and Heather.

I found Chris and Heather in their room, and they wanted me to drive them to Home Depot so that Chris could get a small propane tank for working on glass beads during the evenings. I was happy to help, and I figured I could grab something at the grocery store that's just next to Home Depot. We ran all of our errand s pretty quickly and went our separate ways once we got back to the Arts Center.

And here I am now, having taken some nasty liquid chalk (also known as Maalox), and while I'm not in as much pain as I was before I still don't feel very good. What the hell is wrong with my body anyhow that I can't just feel okay anyhow? Isn't it bad enough that I'm in mental and emotional pain most days lately even without some painful mysterious gut-rot (not to mention the fucking tingling in the fingers of my left hand that's beginning to drive me crazy).

Almost as bad as the pain and frustration has been the feeling that I'm turning into some cranky old man who constantly complains about his medical problems. "Ohh!! My lumbago! Oy!" It's bad enough to be getting old in the first place, let alone having to start feeling old. But I'd even settle for a few problems here and there if it were something that wasn't quite so painful.

Posted at 9:41 PM

 

June 7, 2002

Ugh. I feel rotten.

I helped Robert move stuff again all morning and into the early afternoon. That wasn't a problem. In fact, I've only been slightly stiff in my knees from all of the stairs I've climbed and from hopping in and out of the truck, and other than that I haven't really been physically beat. On the other hand, I have had horrible heartburn since last evening, and it won't go away. And it honestly is just making me feel miserable. Hopefully it will go away with some rest this weekend, but I don't really understand just what's causing it, so I'm sort of at a loss.

It's the same problem with my left hand. I still have that tingly feeling as if my hand (or actually my fingers, specifically) was waking up from having been asleep (like when you lay on your hand for a while and it "falls asleep"). This tingly hand thing has been going on for over a week now and I am as at a loss to explain it as the heartburn. I still have full flexibility and grip in my hand, and it doesn't hurt. It just has this strong tingle. The only downside is that my sense of touch is overpowered a bit so that I can feel things but not make out textures and such - all I get is the tingly sensation. So that's just another weird addition to my life.

My bizarre medical conditions aside, I had a decent day with Robert treating me to lunch at Steak-'n-Shake for helping him move. And if it weren't for my stomach and hand discomfort it would have been a pleasant, relaxing day. And hey, what's wrong with a potential ulcer and potential neurological damage if you are having a relaxing day, right?

But seriously ... ugh! I just want to feel human again.

Posted at 8:09 PM

 

June 6, 2002

I was up early today to help Robert move lots of stuff from his house to a few different other locations. I'll be doing the same early tomorrow as well, it seems, since it took us quite a good part of the day before we decided to stop and go for lunch , and we still didn't manage to finish. For all of the effort it didn't tire me out much, even though I'm slightly stiff now, and I even got a free lunch at Red Lobster for the effort. I'm surprised I went through the work so effortlessly considering how out of shape I am, but I'll take what I can get.

The strangeness of all of this is that Robert is moving out of his house because his ex-fiancee is trying to take control of his property. It all seems like a bunch of shit to me, but apparently common law marriages are recognized after just a year of cohabitation in Ohio, and as you can already guess, Robert and Carol were together just over a year. It's completely unreal to me that people behave like this, being so selfish and petty, but it never fails to happen, so maybe I'm just a fool for continuing to be surprised. It just disappoints me that people sink to such lows so easily and don't even seem to make the effort to be more humane, compassionate, and respectful. And of course this is while my whole idea behind theDreamworld exists only in my mind and within this website, not at any point in the real world whatsoever. And that, as simple as it may be to realize, is just incredibly sad to me.

So tomorrow I get to move things! Yea! Do I know how to have fun or what?

Posted at 9:10 PM

 

June 5, 2002

I drove Heather down to Bowling Green today so that she could take care of a few things, and we had a really nice conversation on the way there and back. It's amazing how even talking about a variety of things in passing is so pleasant and comforting to me. It makes me think that I'm really even more starved for attention than I ever fully appreciate - and I usually recognize my loneliness pretty clearly.

While Heather and Chris have been great about doing things with me occasionally, it adds up to only even seeing them about once a week and only actually doing something about once every two weeks. It's not that I'm complaining exactly, because I quite fully appreciate that Heather and Chris have lives of their own and certainly appreciate just spending time alone with each other, but I really would like more company, and with Christiana away in Europe, Chris and Heather are my best options for companionship.

Strange as it may seem, I tend to get my most regular conversations and companionship from talking to Lee, Cebrina, and Robert in the offices for the Art Center. They're all interesting people, but our conversations invariably revolve simply around what's happening in the building and within the organization, and that can get pretty old pretty quick. Extending the conversation into current events or a conversation about an experience or feeling is a difficult leap from discussing the state of affairs of a non-profit artists' community and its building. And the few times I've tried, the conversation gets turned back around to discussing the Arts Center.

It's the same problem I used to have when I worked at Kinko's. I could talk for hours with people about the company and the work, but try and steer the conversation to something outside of the business and the discussion would shut down in a very short time. It makes you doubt how close you really are to people when you can't hold a simple conversation about more than a single shared interest.

At this point, though, I even miss some mindless conversation about working at Kinko's because I'm just simply lonely and frustrated. It's horrible. Being lonely is bad enough, but actually longing for conversations about Kinko's is a sign that I must be entering the ninth plane of hell.

Posted at 8:41 PM

 

June 4, 2002

"The dream of the child is the hope of the man."

Posted at 8:40 PM

 

June 3, 2002

I'm not as depressed or upset as I was yesterday (although how could that level of pain even be possible for two days in a row?), but I've been uncomfortable most of the day. It has rained and been dreary and has gotten a bit cold, and all of that just reflects my mood and sours my hopes of somehow managing to think happy thoughts.

But I guess uncomfortable is fine considering how miserable I was yesterday. So boo-hoo for me. I guess I'll just have to make due with what I've got. Even if what I've got is pretty bleak.

Posted at 9:01 PM

 

June 2, 2002

This weekend has been the annual Old West End Festival in this part of Toledo (in the Old West End, that is). It's quite a big thing in its own way. A whole network of residential and some major streets are closed off for the whole weekend, and all sorts of things are arranged outside. Garage sales and flea markets are common; antique sales abound; food is available from both private and commercial vendors; historic houses have tours (including the Collingwood Arts Center, where I live); a whole park full of tents are arranged across from the Toledo Art Museum to display and sell various arts and crafts by local artists and artisans; other tents show up around various homes from private artists as well as organizations (such as the Humane Society which has various animals to pet and maybe buy); various performances happen here and there including poetry readings, art workshops, musical performances, and other performance art; and all sorts of incredible private parties are hosted throughout the area. It's quite a big deal, covering dozens of residential blocks, and it's usually a great time. The weather has been perfect as well, so there's little to keep it from being a great weekend.

And yet it is. I have been thoroughly depressed. I didn't get to sleep until late last night (4 AM), and I got up fairly late this morning (11 AM). I had to run a few errands once I had a shower, and I had planned to spend most of the rest of the day wandering around and checking out the festival. I had woken up sort of depressed to begin with, largely from constantly thinking about Erik's visit today. I still hadn't decided how to deal with all of that, so I decided just to not decide at all and do what I had planned in the first place. But it still bothered me, and things didn't get any better once I got outside. In fact, it got worse. I saw a bunch of cute guys and a few couples, and that along with my thoughts about Erik and the realization that the only way I would be seeing the Old West End Festival was by myself ... well, it just made me incredibly lonely and sad. And driving while wanting to cry always sucks, so that just brought my mood down even more. By the time I got back from shopping, I didn't much feel like doing anything but curling up into a ball and waiting to die.

And sadly I'm still not dead yet. Just hanging out and hating being alive and feeling the crushing weight of loneliness. And it sucks. I just want it all to go away. I just want myself to go away. Anything so the pain will stop.

Posted at 8:01 PM

 

June 1, 2002

My windows are open.

And I know what you're thinking. "Whoop-de-fucking-dee." And hey, maybe you're right to think that, but the fact is that with the weather being so bizarre this year, the temperatures have only just now gotten to a point where it's even relatively warm. Yesterday and today have reached the very low 80's for just about the first time all year, and even though it isn't hot, it has gotten stale and uncomfortable in the studios without a little air flow. It's quite nice, really. A nice, soft breeze and soft blue skies. It really feels like Spring, and I really mean Spring, too, not some faux-Spring that's really Summer at an early time of year.

In fact, things were so comfortable with the windows open that I slept with them all open last night as well. It didn't get cold or anything! Quite a nice change from the nights of 30 and 40 degree air. Even better, it hasn't been warm enough yet to really spawn many bugs, so there are just about no insects (other than bees, bumble bees, and wasps) flying around outside of the windows. And at night, when moths, gnats, and mosquitoes are often drawn to the lights inside, there is nothing. It's like the perfect weather, and I've seen it so rarely in Ohio that I'm just thrilled to be able to enjoy it. If only it were this way all year round.

Now just so you don't think that I'm so desperate for things to write about in my Journal that I'm commenting on the weather, let me state for the record that opening my windows is indeed really a big deal for me. It's the final sign that winter is over and I can finally relax away from school and revel in the pleasant peace of break. Maybe it's no big deal to you, but this is a wonderful thing for me.

And hey, it's great to be able to be so excited just from opening my windows.

Posted at 8:56 PM

 


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Journal, by Paul Cales, © June 2002