| home
| archives
| bio | stories
| poetry |
links | guestbook
| message board March 2015
...AND we're back to the near-constant bleeding again ... Ah, the fun. Posted at 6:54 AM
Considering the repeated stress at work I should be dead of a heart attack or stroke or aneurysm by now, but no - for some fucked up reason I still keep up with this miserable existence. Why? Posted at 6:33 AM
No. No more. Posted at 7:24 AM
Why must I keep doing this? Posted at 8:01 AM
I need to spend more time figuring a quick, painless end. Posted at 6:30 AM
Pain! Pain! Pain! Posted at 7:22 AM
I despise hypocrites. There isn't a horrible enough fate or torturous enough place in Hell for them. Posted at 8:00 AM
It would always be horrible if the world would be like it is now, but it's worse when I ca see so clearly how it can and should and must be better than this and how easy it would be to make it that way ... but I clearly have absolutely zero power alone to effect any change for the better in any meaningful way, and that makes it all so, so much worse. Posted at 6:34 AM
My friend Chip's (in Chicago) called me yesterday to wish me a belated happy birthday and just to talk a bit since we haven't been in touch for a while. It was great to talk to Chris and hear his young son in the background watching PeeWee's Playhouse, and it was great to hear about Chris's life and his family. And while Chris wanted to know about how things were going with me there was nothing to tell and just the sad fact that I have nothing here - or anywhere. I have an empty, useless life, and I'm tired of trying any more. Chris has a great family and I'm happy for him, and I want all of this and more for him, and part of me wants what he has, too, but that part and the rest of me knows that I can't ever have that kind of life - or if I even try it will me horribly ruined in some way approaching disaster such that I'll be even more miserable. That's the only way these things ever work. The more I think about fostering or adopting the more sad I become. Even if someone would place a kid with me, how could I ever provide for them? I can barely cover my own expenses. And how could I subject a kid to my cynicism and depression - despite how loving and caring I know I would be? As much as I want and need a child and want to give a child a home and safety and love, I can't see how I can do it now or ever with my complete lack of resources or support. And I would never put a child in the kind of situation where I couldn't be sure I could provide for them. So here I am then. Hating my job - and with no real prospects. Hating my life - and with no hope at all. And missing the chance to give someone my love and caring and help - because any time I try to do that it's all ripped away from me. Why can't I just die already? Posted at 6:38 AM
I could give up completely right now with little hindrance .. Why am I not giving up completely? Why? Posted at 7:25 AM
Hurrah! More yelling and verbal abuse at the office - not directed towards me but filling every decibel of sound in the office nonetheless. It just gets more fun as each day goes by!! Posted at 7:38 AM
I'm feeling 'off' lately. It may be stress from work, depression coupled with cabin fever, not enough sleep, or bad eating habits - or any combination of these things - but my body feels very 'off'. Maybe I'll have heart attack and die any minute; maybe this is just another one of those shifts that happens after you get it a certain age and I'll just always feel 'off' like this, worse than ever before; or maybe it's something else. Who knows? Certainly not me with no health insurance, no money to pay for doctors, and no concern as to whether I die. I just hope I don't end up with something that will make me even more miserable - and believe me, as bad as things are I know they can get far worse -- and you surely know something's 'off' if I'm even lightly using the word "hope." Posted at 6:44 AM
Forty-eight years of this shit excuse of an existence - for what? Year after year of pain and misery and for what? More of the same and worse the only sure thing to expect of the future, and for what? WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE? Posted at 7:45 AM
I'm tired of being tired, sick of being sick, pained by the constant pain in my head, and overstressed by the stress if this job. There are physical effects beyond the norm, and they are the culmination of suffering through all of this day after day. More is wrong now than a break /slowdown from work and a few good nights sleep will fix. Maybe this will be thee end. More likely it will be the start of chronic medical issues that I can't afford to treat and will just have to suffer through ... like everything else. Posted at 6:42 AM
St. Patrick's Day ... but could in every way be happier. Posted at 7:05 AM
Monday? Again? Posted at 6:36 AM
Another great day for numerologists and numbers geeks: 15:03:15 , 15-03-15 Posted at 3:03 pM
Happy Pi day. Posted at 7:08 AM
Friday the 13th. Seems appropriate. Posted at 6:59 AM
Steve suggested I may be showing early signs of the flu. I hadn't thought of that but it's possible. It's also possible it's just misery and the psychosomatic side effects. It's also possible it's some new supervirus that has learned to be immune to antibiotics and will rapidly eradicate the human race. None of these three possibilities seems much worse than the other at this point. Posted at 6:24 AM
Tired, achy, depressed, hopeless. It would be easy to say it can only get better when I feel this low, but I certainly know better. Posted at 5:53 AM
I am so fucking exhausted. Why can't I sleep more? Hmmm? Posted at 6:41 AM
Every day is suffering and woe. Why do I keep going on? Posted at 6:53 AM
Too much misery to bear. Posted at 9:12 AM
Twenty-one years since Ken died and it still slices through me like a knife. Twenty-one years without him and with a gaping hole inside of me where he should be every minute of every day. Twenty-one years that grow more pointless and meaningless with each passing minute. Twenty-one years we've been apart ... far too many years apart. What am I doing in this stupid tax business? Why am I doing anything? Why can't I just die? Why does everything just have to be misery and strife and pain and emptiness? Why are we even here? Posted at 6:46 AM
Tired and frustrated and stressed. Not a good combination. Posted at 7:09 AM
Less drama may be possible today ... but even if so, only for a limited time ... Posted at 6:59 AM
... and now - MORE CRAP! Posted at 6:55 AM
A home would be nice ... a place to feel saf3e and secure, a place to feel rooted, a place to feel loved ... but I remain homeless ... Posted at 6:48 AM
I need to sleep for a week straight. So tired ... Posted at 6:44 AM
Happy birthday, Chris (one of my many friends named Chris but my only friend in Texas right now)! Posted at 7:04 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © March 2015
|
March 31, 2015
